Ujujoan:

You are so so petty. I already feel so sorry for your wife!

I think that's an unfair statement.

There are always two sides to a story. Both the man and his wife have presented their case in such a way that neither of them looks bad. I must admit that when I read the man's story, then his wife's, I did feel angry with him. However he came back to clarify a couple of things from her end that upset him - and it's easy to see that his wife does have an attitude problem, pregnancy or not.

There is a way you talk to people. The words uttered are important, but it's the manner in which it's delivered to the receipient (i.e tone and body language) that makes all the difference.

I'm not interested in taking sides as it would lead to no good.

Witty07 and adetoks2010 my advice is to both of you: You're both in this marriage together for better, for worse so learn to accommodate each other's short comings. You're no longer boyfriend / girlfriend. This is for real. No one is perfect. We're all different and that's what makes the world an interesting place else it would be monotonous and boring. The first step to solving a problem is admitting that THERE IS a problem. It's a good thing that you both reached out to seek for help. My only worry is that you did that via Nairaland, an internet forum where people may give advice that isn't in your best interests.

You're a young couple. The early years of marriage may be the most trying as you're learning to live with each other. Disagreements are bound to occur. However, it's the manner in which you resolve them that matters the most. I'd like to believe you're both adults so try to act in a mature way towards each other. Always ask yourself this: Would I like to be treated the same way I'm treating my spouse right now? If not, then please make the necessary adjustments.

Additionally, don't you both have parents / older, married family members to turn to for advice? If you find something is beyond your tolerance level, then speak to those who've been in the same situation for longer. An older family member whose views you both respect, or even a neutral third party such as your church leader / pastor / priest. It's a much better option than Nairaland, where people gloat at you for washing your dirty linen in public.

Pls both of you, this is a partnership you both embarked on with your eyes wide open. It's not a master-slave / domineering relationship, neither is it one where mutual respect for the other's feelings are disregarded. Live well, enjoy your marriage and prepare to receive the little addition to your family.

All the best.

Me too, I don't know what to expect in marriage again o! Seems like its a lot of stress and work. So as a wife I'm not allowed to lose my cool once in a blue moon and talk back to my husband. Must I always be in agreement with my husband ? What really should I expect when I get married ? I guess love doesn't conquer all.

steph7: Me too, I don't know what to expect in marriage again o! Seems like its a lot of stress and work. So as a wife I'm not allowed to lose my cool once in a blue moon and talk back to my husband. Must I always be in agreement with my husband ? What really should I expect when I get married ? I guess love doesn't conquer all.

That's the key word: TALK not shout.

Shouting at someone shows you have little or no respect for them.

And yes, it's okay to air your displeasure. Infact, it's healthy to have disagreements once a while, otherwise how else do you know what the boundaries are? Like I mentioned, it's how you resolve your differences that matters.

The couple has the classic communication issue!

@ Husband.

Man to Man. You made a couple of mistakes and I will like for you to consider them and swallow your pride and adjust.

Firstly, you came to the wrong medium (Nairaland) to pour out your feelings. Your wife should have been the first person to talk this issue with. And if that is impossible you should have gone to a responsible elder who will objectively advise you. The mere fact that you know your wife had the possibility to have have seen your post is disrespectful in itself and you owe her an apology. Please make sure you do that.

Secondly, as a man, you need to have a lot of patience and understanding. When a woman's body is going through changes i.e periods/pregnancy,some of them unconsciously begin to react in a wat different from their normal self. It is for you as a man to recognize this and be extra-patience with them. That is part of our sacrifices as fathers. Later on in life, sensible women really appreciate that maturity and love their men more.

Thirdly, please endeavor to open the lines of communications. Ask your wife how she is feeling. L[b]isten[/b] to her and try to understand her (which is often difficult), but try anyway. Shower her with praises that she is caring your child and acknowledge that is not easy for her to be pregnant and still run around to make you comfortable. This will create a comfortable ambiance for your incoming baby.

Lastly, please do not take to mind a lot of the poster's self-righteous attitudes. Most are going through similar issues or even worse. Thank God for your wife. Even I as I write to you, I still have to follow what I have written above and I sometimes deviate. We are all human. One thing is you have to swallow your pride, call your wife and open the lines of communication. Tell her how you feel and listen patiently to her feelings too.

Take care dude.


Ps. Madam (Wife). Pls forgive him and listen to his feelings too.

Cup is blocking access to food?

Why did she take book with her?

Jeeedus Effing Christos. . .how old is this man??!!

She cooked for you, brought the food to you while you sat your nasty behind probably watching TV and you have the audacity to complain that the cup is blocking your access to the food. Are you fccking handicapped? What am I even saying. . .Handicap people can still fend for themselves, so what are you??!!!

Re: Book
She she didn't tell you to hold it for her, she carried it with her own hand. So what is the basis for your complains? Why exactly was this even something to be noticed let alone discussed about??

Choi! See this contol freak oh. . .I wonder what else he dissects all for the sake of "Having a Say"

I tell ya, some women do marry them!

^^ Take it easy na, Sisi...

naijababe:

Someone help me please!!!! WTH!!!!! What exactly are the expectations of people in a marriage as I am now officially lost?!

To love each other wholeheartedly.

^ The above statement will be tested with every ounce of strength and the depth of your soul will be laid bare.

At one point, you either feel the epiphany of happiness and content or you carry the weight of regret.

More often than not the kinda response you get can be directly related to the kinda question you ask and the manner with which you did.

If he wants his wife to respond respectfully, then stop asking retarded questions. Why in the sam hills is he asking why she carried a book that she didn't put on his head or tell him to make room for (at least with those we can say it posed an inconvenience to him). . . So what is the big deal?

Then because she didn't quickly go down on her knees to beg for forgiveness because she carried a book with her, he decided to sulk hence the "The cup is blocking my food" nonsense. You can tell he is one of those petty, very petty husbands who feel every slight no matter how insignificant it is, is an assault on his manhood.

I'm sorry ooooh but Dude has a COMPLEX and the sooner he works on himself, the better for them in the long run.

Efemena_xy: ^^ Take it easy na, Sisi...

Lol! I'm done ooh!!

It is just so annoying to see people adding unnecessary complications to an already complex thing like marriage.

dare2think:

To love each other wholeheartedly.

^ The above statement will be tested with every ounce of strength and the depth of your soul will be laid bare.

In that case, the OP's original post is a complete contradiction. Compromise, sacrifice and respect - seems to me some men expect all these from their wives but won't reciprocate.

naijababe:

In that case, the OP's original post is a complete contradiction. Compromise, sacrifice and respect - seems to me some men expect all these from their wives but won't reciprocate.

Dear Naijababe,

I don't think this is a 'men vs their wives' issue. Any indication to paint it as such will only lead to further complications.


This is a human being vs human being issue. Two separate individuals thrown into an unknown abyss called marriage. They both made mistakes and will continue to make mistakes. They only have to do the hard bit and acknowledge that they are not both perfect and adjust to each other.


Compromise, sacrifice and respect = Both ways

dare2think:

Dear Naijababe,

I don't think this is a men vs their wives issue. Any indication to paint it as such will only lead to further complications.

This is a human being vs human being issue. Two separate individual thrown into an unknown abyss called marriage. They both made mistakes and will continue to make mistakes. They only have to do the hard bit and acknowledge that they are not both perfect and adjust to each other.


Compromise, sacrifice and respect = Both ways

I didn't say it's a men vs women issue, hence the use of 'some' as opposed to 'all'. In all honesty, I still can't figure out what the problem is, maybe I'm slower than usual today sha

That's the whole point. . . there shouldn't be a problem if we are to go by what has been stated.

"Why you carry book, wetin concern you. . . ehn ehn, you don't respect me for that for that. . I will show you pepper. The cup is blocking my food."

Haba naa!!

naijababe:

I didn't say it's a men vs women issue, hence the use of 'some' as opposed to 'all'. In all honesty, I still can't figure out what the problem is, maybe I'm slower than usual today sha

Yea, sorry I misconstrued your statement.

The problem is communication and understanding and a possible culmination of stress.

@chaircover. I like all u hv said. I do keep quiet as well. You said u knw when u are harsh or on tangent and u say sorry. Pls ask my wife if she says sorry in such situatn without me pointing it out which might most times take me 1-2 days.
I no b Jesus Christ o. Try sumtn, keep talkn wit ur husband wit a hard tone and dnt say anytn and watch him 4 while. Let me hv ur response aftr then.

Efemena_xy:

I think that's an unfair statement.

There are always two sides to a story. Both the man and his wife have presented their case in such a way that neither of them looks bad. I must admit that when I read the man's story, then his wife's, I did feel angry with him. However he came back to clarify a couple of things from her end that upset him - and it's easy to see that his wife does have an attitude problem, pregnancy or not.

There is a way you talk to people. The words uttered are important, but it's the manner in which it's delivered to the receipient (i.e tone and body language) that makes all the difference.

I'm not interested in taking sides as it would lead to no good.

Witty07 and adetoks2010 my advice is to both of you: You're both in this marriage together for better, for worse so learn to accommodate each other's short comings. You're no longer boyfriend / girlfriend. This is for real. No one is perfect. We're all different and that's what makes the world an interesting place else it would be monotonous and boring. The first step to solving a problem is admitting that THERE IS a problem. It's a good thing that you both reached out to seek for help. My only worry is that you did that via Nairaland, an internet forum where people may give advice that isn't in your best interests.

You're a young couple. The early years of marriage may be the most trying as you're learning to live with each other. Disagreements are bound to occur. However, it's the manner in which you resolve them that matters the most. I'd like to believe you're both adults so try to act in a mature way towards each other. Always ask yourself this: Would I like to be treated the same way I'm treating my spouse right now? If not, then please make the necessary adjustments.

Additionally, don't you both have parents / older, married family members to turn to for advice? If you find something is beyond your tolerance level, then speak to those who've been in the same situation for longer. An older family member whose views you both respect, or even a neutral third party such as your church leader / pastor / priest. It's a much better option than Nairaland, where people gloat at you for washing your dirty linen in public.

Pls both of you, this is a partnership you both embarked on with your eyes wide open. It's not a master-slave / domineering relationship, neither is it one where mutual respect for the other's feelings are disregarded. Live well, enjoy your marriage and prepare to receive the little addition to your family.

All the best.

He's a man for pete's sake.

Men are supposed to be above little quarells and pettiness.

Anyways, just my opinion.

Seriously do you want to be a husband or a Master? I don taya for all your justifications. Please its either you humble yourself love your wife and have a good marriage or keep forming Master and quarrel everyday.

Witty07: First I want u all to know that there is what we call Chain reaction.\
@adetoks2010: You should have talked about the tone used when responding. Did u responded politely or you shouted.

@Chaircover Thank you for your comments. Let me ask you, do you talk back at will to your husband, Do you just say anything that comes to your mind and expect humor to always take care of that without you minding the interpretation, Do you find talking without thinking as a way of being happy. Are you committed to attitudinal development in your marriage or not. Do you idle talk anyhow.
Just unfortunate that I corrected her at this time of pregnancy because ds usually happens and i have always been overlooking it. How can two people want to eat and the food will be well placed at your own comfort without minding the other. You see at times we do good and u spoil it just because u show d and I dnt care attitude.

I am so concerned about the attitudes that our children will develop because surely 60% of it will come from us. issues you take so trivia later become fatal issues if left unattended to. We seek to the perfect everyday, of course no one can be but at least let your effort be felt.

You see been caring is not an issue but you can not make me understand that if I cook I am not helping you becos I will eat out of it, JUST AN INSTANCE. It would have been better if she kept quiet.

Now look at this situation. We went out in the morning and she took along a book she is reading for her masters which I briefly took note of, though I did not ask her y because I believe she has her reasons. On returning home while coming out of the car I asked her why did u take this book? along becos she did not read it or do anything with which I saw as a burden.Then she answered, Is it biting you or is it disturbing you, cant report verbatim. Is that how u answer ur own husband chaircover. For example again. You wanted to make use of a laptop and u asked me if I am installing a software, I said yes and please wait for it to finish, few mins she askd "are u tru?, I said the system is rebooting wait. The system came up She stood up, I said oya come and do what u want to do only for her to make me understand that I have made her loose interest in what she wants to do. For how long will I keep up with such attitudes everyday.

Maybe I am wrong. if i am educate me.
Meeeeeen, I dont know what to say again. I value attitude, words and communication a lot that I take an holistic approach towards it both verbal and nonverbal(Body language, tone, eye language.
In fact................

bro cover your face in shame. you are a disgrace to us men... i cant believe you are quarelling with your wife on an internet forum. Why should she submit to you? Obviously you have no idea how to be a leader in your marriage. Grow up. Real men are out there raking in money for their families and you are here nitpicking over water and food for your wife? You are lucky, you have a woman who cooks and serves you on a tray even while pregnant. you dont deserve her.

Ujujoan:

He's a man for pete's sake.

Men are supposed to be above little quarells and pettiness.

Anyways, just my opinion.

True.

Even as a poster I am getting a headache from reading you nag, I don't want to imagine the state of that poor pregnant woman

@witty and adetoks

When i read both your post,i was like are you guys for real?This issue seemed pretty trivial to me!Unnecessary even
But from your past post and topics witty, it seems you have been carrying a grudge for a while?
This also reeks of major communication issues.
You said your wife is sanguine and you are melancholic,Sanguine's are generally friendly, enjoy talking and being the center of attention.
A Melancholic are generally perfectionist,emotional and words get to them and they are constantly analyzing things.
I believe who you are is dependent on you despite these temperament thing,God helping you.
You both need to talk this out before it escalates any further...
I go with dare2think you owe your wife an apology,you actually implied she might have a medical history?Haba!This is your better half we are talking about
Sometimes I wish I could share those issues with someone but I never did because I feel they are so insignificant but you always read so much meaning to my remarks or actions.
Your wife from her post feels you over-analyse things

You feel she doesn't know how to talk and is full of herself

Communicate please and come to an understanding
Why are your both hurting yourself?and over what? Is it that important?
What will you gain?Cant you work this out?

What is the whole point of this? the glass?the book? Come on guys?

You guys should leave the guy alone as you are making it worse for the woman. Out of an ego trip, he will start behaving worse to justify what he claims are her flaws. Trust me on this, he has been totally embarrassed and made to look foolish to his slave (wife) on NL. He will go to any length to prove he is the man and that he is right, just as his mission for bringing it on NL. From all he has written, it seems he is the major problem in the marriage. He needs an attitude adjustment. He will keep fighting to prove a point or to look like the man. I dont think your wife has balls OP, so definitely she cannot be the man. Accept when you are wrong, and apologise. Your wife is pregnant and you are dragging small inconsequential issues. You should be more worried about the health of your child and your wife. Just give it a rest and accept that all this was ridiculous. We learn everyday and we grow everyday. Nothing bad or disastrous in being wrong or offending your wife. The guy is a natural trouble maker. Am sure he puts his life's frustrations on the wife, and blames her for everything and picks on everything she does when he has a bad day. Because how do we explain moving a cup being an issue? When you should be the one even cooking or going to take your food?The only person i really pity in this is the woman. This is going to be a very looooooooong ride. Goodluck

I think wifey has 50% of the blame. Why? well you see your hubby is a sensitive man and you should know that already tone down on your sauciness OK.? You may think you are not doing anything wrong because this is your nature and your husband should know better but if he should know better then so should you.

Your husband is complaining of your manner of approach to him look into it and adjust it wont kill. Hubby a little more patience will help you, learn to overlook some issues and don't carry around the mentality of "head of house" sometimes this just kills everything, learn to tease her,play with her and relax around her she knows you are the man she just wants to be free with you this is not a prison or boarding house where she is to learn manners its her home, her relaxation center,her peace of mind,her sanctuary learn to be all these for her. It will not make you less of a man but more of her man You are not her husband to enforce discipline she had enough of that in her parents house if she didn't turn out well you wouldn't have married her.Man you don't have a problem now go and love in peace and live happily ever after.

@ op na waooo didn't you date your wife before getting married to her? Are you trying to say she changed after wedding? Please go and love your wife and stop looking for fault. There is no marriage without issues. If all married men in N/L tell you what they are passing through in their different marriages, you will start licking your wife's toto. *lip seal*

steph7: Me too, I don't know what to expect in marriage again o! Seems like its a lot of stress and work. So as a wife I'm not allowed to lose my cool once in a blue moon and talk back to my husband. Must I always be in agreement with my husband ? What really should I expect when I get married ? I guess love doesn't conquer all.

Is your husband also allowed to lose his cool and talk back to you?

dayokanu:

Is your husband also allowed to lose his cool and talk back to you?

Nopes.

dayokanu:

Is your husband also allowed to lose his cool and talk back to you?

Yes he is, aren't we both humans. it's just that people like the Op make marriage look scary, so i would have a quarrel with my husband over my placing his glass in the wrong place , seriously I'm good at ignoring people and in this case i know i would ignore my husband which may lead to another quarrel . I don taya

dayokanu:

Is your husband also allowed to lose his cool and talk back to you?

Of course . . . isnt he human

Men that nag are terrible, being a melancholy makes it double tragedy because pleasing them will be next to impossible.

OP, you didn't answer my question. I'm not trying to diss, I see you as someone who isn't accommodating. You want everything to perfection or exactly like it used to be (may be between your mum and dad). I really don't blame you cos it's your nature, your kinda person and upbringing.

Since you said you both are Christians, and you want to live according to the books; I suggest you try and make allowances for ur wifey's shortcomings. I guess she is the type that is carefree and talks before thinking. Like the way you are too, it's her kinda person. She isn't doing it to spite you or get on your nerves. Plus the fact that she is pregnant, will make her short tempered and easily irritated. So, I can imagine what your nagging will be doing to her.

Don't add to her headache. Choose to be the head by leading by example. Be more patient with her. Talk to her gently. Over look her fault. Be nice to her. Be there for her. Go the extra mile for her. Let her see you as that loving and caring husband. Before long, her faults will start starring her in the face and if she truly loves you, she will be willing to go the extra mile to please you.

Wifey, I know you are reading as well. Try and understand the kind of person your hubby is. I know it's not easy at all.

It is well.

This happens to be one of the most interesting topics so far in the family section. As much as I also believe OP is a bit too critical of his wife, I feel some of his pains. Living and dealing with a saucy woman is very challenging. I was once in his shoes, had a girl that will open her mouth, say anything that pleases her, I mean ANYTHING without batting an eyelid. So all you blaming the guy, especially the men here are being hypocrites. How many men can tolerate a woman who tells you, go to hell, or tells you that "I don't have your time jooor"? You blame the OP, can you angelic men here take that? I tried everything within my human capability, patience, ignore her, argue with her, pamper her and still no result. At a point I also believed she had a med history, oh yes I did. So let no stupid, holier than thou man come here and spew nonsense that the OP is petty. Maybe u guys never met a saucy woman before. Believe me, you would want to just pack it all up and move on someday.
And for all those saying he brought his family affair to Nairaland, what's bad about that? He wanted to get neutral opinions and he must av got more than enough. I pray they both find a common ground to relate, OP be more patient, and Madam, take a second tot before replying ur hubby as you know he doesn't like your manner of talk. It will be well with you two. Amen.

I read this with interest (& sadness). By now, I really hope the couple have found a way to resolve their differences and move on with their lives. With a baby on the way, they can't afford to have the kind of relationship they presently have.

There is no point blaming anyone, except stating that people need to really understand each other BEFORE getting married. There were obviously issues that pre-existed, but were ignored. I kind of got the impression that they are newly married (within the last 2 years maybe). Obviously, there are other issues that are part of the problem that they can't talk about on NL. So, what do they do?

Oga, I want you to look back on the time you first met your wife. The things that attracted you to her, The joy you had in your heart when you saw her. The things you did together back then. Now, what is different? Are those things still there? Have issues of life allowed you to overlook the little things that initially brought you together and now, it seems she's a stranger? Guess what? She's the same woman. Older, (very pregnant) and both of you have finally seen the dark sides that you hid from each other previously. "For better for worse" actually meant For better, for worse..

The same goes for madam. The biggest problem is that before you got married, both of you focused on your positive sides. Now that reality has set in, you both are now focusing on your negative sides and that's just wrong. People get married so they can build each other up. It's like knowing your spouse is very ugly physically, but focusing on the beautiful nature that exists inside that person.

Why don't both of you call a truce, sit down together and admit your faults. That's going to be hard if you're proud, but not impossible. Remind each other of the things that made you happy in the beginning and make up your minds to help each other overcoming your negative traits. I didn't say it would be easy, but if both of you really want to save your marriage and provide a loving atmosphere for that beautiful baby on the way, you'll make it happen.

Remember...with God, nothing shall be impossible. I really wish both of you the best.

Hmmm... I hope they have been able to settle their differences.

@ everyone on dis thread, naijababe, uju, debrief, Efe n co, I would like u interview u guys. Pls PM me or mail tgiirl4real @ ymail dot com