I recently married a Nigerian man. I am a white American girl. He is a great man but we have so many differences that we can't come to any understandings. We don't even see the Same shade of red.
He hasnt been in the states too long and doesn't have any American ways down to the underwater he wears is Nigerian.
I am the poster child of an american girl. Or as he says a spoiled brat. I think i am just used to getting way especially with men. He is the first man to not just give me my way for everything i want. i am not taking this very well. And i doubt i ever get used to it like he thinks i will.
However when i come to him with my complaints all i hear is did i not realize i Married an African man, if i want to convert him then y nor just marry an American, or how an African wife isnt this or that or does this or that... And like i have told him he married an American in America....
I have no clue what to do and the major issues we have are divided by our culture....
The things i want/ expect is no different then what any other American would ask for and for him the way he treats me is probably no different then any other Nigerian husband... But both are so opposite help please

How exactly.do u need help? Pls specify.

Well how do we decide who is right? Who decides which part of their culture to g give up? How do we live together? what can we do? I am ready to file an annulment because all of the differences cause many problems.

paradoxqueen: Well how do we decide who is right? Who decides which part of their culture to g give up? How do we live together? what can we do? I am ready to file an annulment because all of the differences cause many problems.

Here is my take.
Understanding & effective communication is what matters. If I should ask you if you both love each other, I am sure you will reply in the affirmative. When it comes to love you can't always have your way. Let there be some form of balance. Balance is the keyword here. A little from his, a little from yours.

Deciding who is right is not the issue but doing what is right & learning to overlook some issues. Sometimes you let him have his way, if you must prove a point do it in a nice way.
Note: You are by no means inferior.

And about whose culture to give up. I think both of you can always do both. But, if you insist on one giving up for the other. You will have to give up yours for him because you are married to him & not the other way round.

You can definitely live together but it depends largely on you both. Let understanding & good communication have its way & don't forget how you relay your message to your man matters a lot.

I hope that helps.

Yes but ultimately me giving up my culture because i am married to him won't happen as my culture is largely who i am. Its my core and our life around us affirms what i believe. But how do i get him to have underfunding

paradoxqueen: Well how do we decide who is right? Who decides which part of their culture to g give up? How do we live together? what can we do? I am ready to file an annulment because all of the differences cause many problems.

@your last statement.This is why i can't and will never marry a white girl.
They for some reason think marriage is the same has bf/gf relationship where breaking up/seperation/divorce or whatever you want to call it is the solution to every disagreement.
I mean it will be very naive of you to think there won't be fights or disagreements of some sort when you decide to spend like 50 yrs of your life with someone.
I would have given you advice but with your orientation(the west call it not taking bullshit,lol),even if you get this issue resolved you will still not last 10 years in your matrimonial life.

paradoxqueen: Yes but ultimately me giving up my culture because i am married to him won't happen as my culture is largely who i am. Its my core and our life around us affirms what i believe. But how do i get him to have underfunding

As I said earlier, both of you might do both. You don't have to give it up.
You are different from him, so is he from you. Your view on a matter might be conflicting. He might not see things the way you do, just because you are different in personality not because of culture. I will advise you take things easy. Work towards reconciling any form of difference you might have. Talk to him softly but persuasively. You can see a counselor if need be.

Most time the problem is excessive self- consciousness from either or both party. Limit this need to assert cultural difference, then peace will gradually replace the constant quest for edges. Read Obama's authobiography, you will realize that love across cultural divide blossom when it is not complicated.

I only bring up my culture when he tells me about him being African as if i could miss it somehow .... But now as of today he wanted to know what meal of his i have learned to make and called his sister to try to send me over there to learn.... Which has me even more upset... He pretends to come to an understanding butt as time goes on he changes the agreements

paradoxqueen: I only bring up my culture when he tells me about him being African as if i could miss it somehow .... But now as of today he wanted to know what meal of his i have learned to make and called his sister to try to send me over there to learn.... Which has me even more upset... He pretends to come to an understanding butt as time goes on he changes the agreements

do not make any agreement if you want peace, simply subscribe to an unwritten constitution as if you don't have a particular boundary. you will win if you play along with his antics to break you, but if you put up a defense, he would always want to break you and then there is the strife.

Don't make any fuss or qualms on any of his demands, he would turn back to praise your submissiveness. There is a proverb to that effect in Yoruba, "ijapa ni ojo ti oun ti gbongbon ho, lorun o ti wo oun mo"

meaning

The tortoise said the very day he understood the mystery of saying "that's alright, I agree with that", he has been saved of burden. On a good day people push Ijapa (tortoise) about, but he later pull the trick of promising those people he will do what he wont do eventually, and he found peace.

You wont do everything, he do not want everything either. Take your emotion out of the consequences of what he want that he really don't want that you can do that you really wont do. the problem has not happen, don't suffer it's consequences before hand.

And you'd do well to post this is romance or family section if you want more response.

This has been some good advice he only likes to challenge the things he sees as a challenge. But we have the same personalities with different cultures... We don't have the same expectations

WorldGreatest1:

Here is my take.
Understanding & effective communication is what matters. If I should ask u if u both love each other, I am sure you would reply in the affirmative. When it comes to love you cant always have ur way. Let there be some form of balance. Balance is the keyword here. A little from his, a little from urs.

Deciding who is right is not the issue but doing what is right & learn to overlook some issues. Sometimes, u let him have his way, if u must prove a point do it in.a nice way.
Note: You are by no means inferior.

And abt whose culture to give up. I think both of u can always do both. But, if u insist on one giving up for another. U will.have to give up urs for him because you are married to him & not the other way round.

You can definitely live together but it depends largely on u both. Let understanding & good communication have its way & dont forget how you relay ur message to ur man matters a lot.

I hope that helps.

I know this is an old thread, but I had to reply to your post.


#1 How could she just be married to him (is that even possible) they married each other, they both took vows, unless she was standing in front of the pastor alone.

#2 If anyone should give up their culture it's him because he's living in another country/culture and he needs to fit in. It would be as ridiculous as me moving from America to Nigeria, marrying a Nigerian and living there and insisting on him giving up his culture for my culture, see how silly that sounds.