I know it's tough love and all but Sheesh. This is so mean

Eketem:
Beating you pulling out your hair but you are concerned about malice smh.

Go and beg as usual, weak annoying women when he kills you tomorrow people will be demanding empathy

OldBeer:
A man beats you to pulp and pull out your hair YET you are concerned about malice?

Madam I must be Mrs by fire by force.
Go and kneel down, apologise to your god.
One dunce up there say he is your superior, so do as he says since both of you have the same two brain cells.


The only thing I will advise you to do is to tell your close family person about your Nairaland account and also password.
So when the man finally kills you, they can update us.

I promise to drop my condolences on the thread.

Tueh!

Nairaland men association of support the man even when he is wrong, have arrived as usual with their boring advice of beg the man, Keep/save your home at all costs even if it costs the woman her physical and mental health and they arrived in tow with the Let's hear the other side of the story crew.

Don't you guys get tired of misogyny?

Ishilove:

I see you conveniently ignored the part where he physically abused her and ripped her hair off. I'm a woman and I know how painful it is to have your hair manhandled.

See, you are a male chauvinist. You belong to the class of people who encourage women to endure domestic violence until they end up in a coffin.

Tueh!

Ishilove, what would u advice the woman to do? Leave her home? I discussed this with my wife and sister, but funny enough my wife shares and understands my opinion and thoughts about the incident.
Here is how my wife placed it, she said something must have made him do that, but besides that she would encourage the woman to apologize first now and then make the man to see his mistakes and 98% of men will certainly apologize or do things right from then on,
Now what would u want her do, I am expecting your answers.

Nigerian men are truly disappointing me Day by day. It’s shameful.

I am unmarried but it breaks my heart to read post such as this.

My mum is a church counselor and according to her when cases such as this spring up in the home separation should follow. It could be for a short while or a long while but separation is needed. Divorce is after all not an option biblically.

Well, if you do decide to separate from your husband for a while then I advise you do a lot of thinking.

If you chose not to separate since you are only bothered about the malice, I feel your husband should apologize first after which you can also do same for the accusations. After the apology, let your husband sign an undertaking that he won't ever batter you again.

Last advice: Please don't get used to domestic violence. Get a job or empower yourself. You also need sound education on marriage. It may also help if you do join the feminist movement.

Your husband is not Lord superior and you, slave inferior.

Bye.

Daeylar:
Nairaland men association of support the man even he is wrong have arrived as usual with their boring advice of beg the man, Keep/save your home at all costs even if it costs the woman her physical and mental health and they arrived in tow with the Let's hear the other side of the story crew.

Don't you guys get tired of misogyny?

I am tired on their behalf. It is sad! Broken men everywhere!

hopeforcharles:

Ishilove, what would u advice the woman to do? Leave her home? I discussed this with my wife and sister, but funny enough my wife shares and understands my opinion and thoughts about the incident.
Here is how my wife placed it, she said something must have made him do that, but besides that she would encourage the woman to apologize first now and then make the man to see his mistakes and 98% of men will certainly apologize or do things right from then on,
Now what would u want her do, I am expecting your answers.

What I would want her to do is give him a taste of his own medicine. A trial separation

Guitarlife:

They have been married for 11 years, that is an achievement in itself. And why are you forgetting that you have only heard from one party , have you heard from the husband ? I can bet you the wife might have initiated the violence but do you expect her to come here and narrate events as it happened, try to be a little objective.

NO MATTER the offence, a man has NO moral right to beat his wife.
Marriage is not and has never been an achievement, hello?

hopeforcharles:

Ishilove, what would u advice the woman to do? Leave her home? I discussed this with my wife and sister, but funny enough my wife shares and understands my opinion and thoughts about the incident.
Here is how my wife placed it, she said something must have made him do that, but besides that she would encourage the woman to apologize first now and then make the man to see his mistakes and 98% of men will certainly apologize or do things right from then on,
Now what would u want her do, I am expecting your answers.

your wife said this? Really? To her fellow woman, no empathy? You sure you've not abused her to scare her to silence?

Adesuwag:
your wife said this? Really? To her fellow woman, no empathy? You sure you've not abused her to scare her to silence?

I saw that part of his post but decided not to say what is in my mind. It would be disrespectful to his wife

Very sad. One of the major reasons people get physical is due to lack of respect. He doesn't respect you.
if you want him to stop beating you then you have to make him respect you. At this point it may mean cutting of all forms of reliance on him, get your own money, business, career etc. Respect goes both ways if you respect him as your husband and treat him accordingly, he ll surely return the favour. secondly he knows you ll come begging eventually so this time surprise him, do what he least expects you to do.
You need sometime apart to reconsider your life choices. Then you both need to talk to someone, a Councillor or guardian who can lead you on the path to mutual respect and understanding.
I see no reason why you should accuse a man without hardcore evidence.
Most times it pays to keep calm while your spouse is angry or agitated. Dont fuel it by responding word for word. A simple apology or walking away when you realise that the atmosphere is getting tense helps to avoid shitshows
Then the issue of malice, what you are doing will not work. You are both being kids. One of you will have to become the adult. Communication helps alot so you need to break the silence if he is not ready to do so. An apology for accusing him without evidence. Explain to him your reasons for doing so calmly. If you are ready and have the means, you can tell him you are taking some time away from him for personal revaluation. He has to realise that you can have a life without him getting involved. Whenever he wants to keep malice next time.. dont beg him, just live your life, find things that make you happy and focus on them. The reason why he is using the silent treatment is because it has worked in the past. So if he sees you re always genuinely happy, and not worried in any way. he ll get tired.

Adesuwag:
your wife said this? Really? To her fellow woman, no empathy? You sure you've not abused her to scare her to silence?

I can never abuse a woman instead we go our separate ways or I leave the house for a while for her,
But you don't seem to understand the said woman, she wants apologies not the separation you people are pushing her to, if she can categorically tell you the things she did to him words or action wise before the confrontation you will have a change of words. Encourage her to work for the peace of her home

Ishilove:

What I would want her to do is give him a taste of his own medicine. A trial separation

Remember trial separation don't work on all, remember he seems to have actually move on, and she is still hurting, I don't encourage beating even of a kid ( beating a kid is allowed if necessary)
I listen to song that says don't rush to enter the fight between a wife and her husband you will be seen as an enemy is they are settled.

Sad woman, your problem in all this is the malice he is keeping?

You are so broken.

Please don’t pass this down to your children, so that they don’t continue the cycle of abuse as they might grow up to think what you and your husband are doing is normal.

I want to say a big thank you to all for your advice am sure everybody meant well. But let me make some clarification to the house, firstly am a working class lady that earns almost as much as he does so financially am stable as I support him in all we do at the Home front even upto the building of our property in Lagos.

Secondly he has attacked me twice in this marriage because those two occassions i lunged at him by trying to hit him because of some terrible words or act he did and both times i paid dearly for it. So i actually take the blame for getting physically abused as he has never raised his hands on me without me provoking him physically. But that being said we have lived through the 11 years because 90% of our quarrels I always end up apologising or breaking the ice for peace to reign.

To burst all bubbles I have gone to him despite my pain to ask him way forward and show him that I had to barb my hair like a boy because of what he did to me and he said clearly that I brought it upon myself and got what I deserved. I asked him way forward and he said any desicion taken by me he would support 100%. I also asked him what would he do if someone did this to his sister's he told me to go ahead and tell my brothers to come and beat him he is waiting for them all. He also said there had been peace in the house while I moved to the guest room and should please remain there.

I gently walked away and realised I was never going to get the apology. This is the sad story of my life, but thanks all as for now I have decided to take each day as it comes, and take life decisions as I think it best for me and my kids

God help me!!!!!

Dduchess:
I want to say a big thank you to all for your advice am sure everybody meant well. But let me make some clarification to the house, firstly am a working class lady that earns almost as much as he does so financially am stable as I support him in all we do at the Home front even upto the building of our property in Lagos.

Secondly he has attacked me twice in this marriage because those two occassions i lunged at him by trying to hit him because of some terrible words or act he did and both times i paid dearly for it. So i actually take the blame for getting physically abused as he has never raised his hands on me without me provoking him physically. But that being said we have lived through the 11 years because 90% of our quarrels I always end up apologising or breaking the ice for peace to reign.

To burst all bubbles I have gone to him despite my pain to ask him way forward and show him that I had to barb my hair like a boy because of what he did to me and he said clearly that I brought it upon myself and got what I deserved. I asked him way forward and he said any desicion taken by me he would support 100%. I also asked him what would he do if someone did this to his sister's he told me to go ahead and tell my brothers to come and beat him he is waiting for them all. He also said there had been peace in the house while I moved to the guest room and should please remain there.

I gently walked away and realised I was never going to get the apology. This is the sad story of my life, but thanks all as for now I have decided to take each day as it comes, and take life decisions as I think it best for me and my kids

God help me!!!!!

Madam, your husband don't have or keep malice with you, it is aptly called SNUB. A snub is a disregard for someone's presence or importance, which also manifests in physically avoiding them. Malice, on the other hand, is a desire to cause someone harm, injury, or to see them suffer.

The trajectory of your story has fundamentally changed, this time portraying your attitudinal weakness and deficiency. To put it nicely: you are far from being a saint.


To your marriage: you know your husband better than anyone here. So, against all odds, make your marriage work. However, I think there is something in oga's mind he is not telling you. He is self-evidently angry and depressed at the moment. Madam, I think there is something hidden, something both of you dread to discuss and iron out.

hopeforcharles:

Ishilove, what would u advice the woman to do? Leave her home? I discussed this with my wife and sister, but funny enough my wife shares and understands my opinion and thoughts about the incident.
Here is how my wife placed it, she said something must have made him do that, but besides that she would encourage the woman to apologize first now and then make the man to see his mistakes and 98% of men will certainly apologize or do things right from then on,
Now what would u want her do, I am expecting your answers.

Which her 'home' nitori Olohun? A home that's toxic and violent? If she leaves the home, would she die?

Dduchess:
I want to say a big thank you to all for your advice am sure everybody meant well. But let me make some clarification to the house, firstly am a working class lady that earns almost as much as he does so financially am stable as I support him in all we do at the Home front even upto the building of our property in Lagos.

Secondly he has attacked me twice in this marriage because those two occassions i lunged at him by trying to hit him because of some terrible words or act he did and both times i paid dearly for it. So i actually take the blame for getting physically abused as he has never raised his hands on me without me provoking him physically. But that being said we have lived through the 11 years because 90% of our quarrels I always end up apologising or breaking the ice for peace to reign.

To burst all bubbles I have gone to him despite my pain to ask him way forward and show him that I had to barb my hair like a boy because of what he did to me and he said clearly that I brought it upon myself and got what I deserved. I asked him way forward and he said any desicion taken by me he would support 100%. I also asked him what would he do if someone did this to his sister's he told me to go ahead and tell my brothers to come and beat him he is waiting for them all. He also said there had been peace in the house while I moved to the guest room and should please remain there.

I gently walked away and realised I was never going to get the apology. This is the sad story of my life, but thanks all as for now I have decided to take each day as it comes, and take life decisions as I think it best for me and my kids

God help me!!!!!

Chai!!! Your husband don sign..

From this your write up, your husband seems to be an INTROVERT and what you calling "Malice" is the way introverts protect themselves from what they perceive as potential danger. They do this by AVOIDANCE...they avoid whoever or whatever seems like a threat. Whether it's good or bad, is a discussion for another day.

The way forward depends on what you really desire deep down: Do you want to keep your home or not?

Also, you need to learn better ways to manage your anger....there's no excuse for getting physical...it's always better to walk away!

Eketem:
Beating you pulling out your hair but you are concerned about malice smh.

Go and beg as usual, weak annoying women when he kills you tomorrow people will be demanding empathy

So what do you advice, she should divorce him so you can take over from man, pay the bills and other responsibilities....?

Saffi:
My God, the things I read on Nairaland. A woman has her own identity, she has her own life and if she decides to break up with this man, guess what ? HER LIFE iS NOT OVER! She still has much to live for, her children, her business, her family and many more. You can’t overlook somebody who could threaten your life, just because of silly stereotypical views that mean absolutely nothing. What type of husband beats his wife without empathy or concern? There’s no atom of respect for her, yet the wife should go and beg her king as she is nothing without him. Are you sure you’re okay? Are Nigerian men really this shallow and misogynistic or is this just an online fallacy?

I believe this woman is just scared as she’s spent a good 11 years with this man. She can’t picture her life without him. If somebody is making you’re life a misery and the relationship is toxic, no matter how long you’ve been with that person, you need to find your way out. She needs some time to find herself, to separate her identity from her husbands. Self love/care is very important, please try to give this woman the same advice you would give to your sister. Ah ah kilodeeeee

Madam, things like this is bound to happen in marriage, it's inevitable. Check at least 100homes you'll hardly see 2 without issues. How can you be suggesting divorce, I believe you're not married. Divorce isn't the solution, I believe there're other better ways she can resolve this issue with her husband... Pls stop this feminist nonsense.

If she doesn’t want to divorce. Fine. But she needs to separate herself from that toxic environment. And yes I’m married. This has nothing to do with feminism. I’m concerned about her safety. Thanks.

grafixdon:


Madam, things like this is bound to happen in marriage, it's inevitable. Check at least 100homes you'll hardly see 2 without issues. How can you be suggesting divorce, I believe you're not married. Divorce isn't the solution, I believe there're other better ways she can resolve this issue with her husband... Pls stop this feminist nonsense.

By malice, do you mean not talking to you or intention to harm you? Or both.

Anyways.

As I won't advice separation.

As I haven't been in a relationship for 3 years for talkless of 11.

As I understand both of you have faults.

But if you know you are wrong in any case or issue; apologise to him. Otherwise, Don't apologise to him if he is wrong. If the "keeping malice" means not talking to you; Keep talking to him when you need to. He'll eventually feel stupid with himself.

But if the malice is about harm; please avoid confrontation. Avoid arguments with him.

However and most importantly, It is who wears the shoe that knows where it pinches. If at any point you feel your life/sanity/health is threatened physically. Do the needful. GET OUT.

Saffi:
My God, the things I read on Nairaland. A woman has her own identity, she has her own life and if she decides to break up with this man, guess what ? HER LIFE iS NOT OVER! She still has much to live for, her children, her business, her family and many more. You can’t overlook somebody who could threaten your life, just because of silly stereotypical views that mean absolutely nothing. What type of husband beats his wife without empathy or concern? There’s no atom of respect for her, yet the wife should go and beg her king as she is nothing without him. Are you sure you’re okay? Are Nigerian men really this shallow and misogynistic or is this just an online fallacy?

I believe this woman is just scared as she’s spent a good 11 years with this man. She can’t picture her life without him. If somebody is making you’re life a misery and the relationship is toxic, no matter how long you’ve been with that person, you need to find your way out. She needs some time to find herself, to separate her identity from her husbands. Self love/care is very important, please try to give this woman the same advice you would give to your sister. Ah ah kilodeeeee

Ndi feminist has landed

well while I don't support violence in anyway, a woman remains under her husband in a Godly marriage. she must submit to her husband BC that is the will of God in marriage. if mountain will not come to Mohammed then Mohammed should go to the mountains. Husband literally means master ie why in Igbo we say oga m. The woman should forget ego and have a heart to heart talk with her husband n apologize for her false accusation naturally the man will do the same.

ImaIma1:


Your idea of marriage sounds a bit archaic. There is no superior in the sense that you speak. They are partners in the marriage. what brought them together is love and not a business contract.

The man doesn't just marry the woman. He asks her to marry him and she accepts. It is a two way thing. No one is doing anyone a favour.
And no one has the right to treat the other badly. If you offend or are wrong, you accept and apologize. Marriage is not a dictatorship situation.

In Christian marriage as ordained by God they are not equal partners one is the superior. a woman must submit to the husband that is the basis of Christian marriage. Husband literally means master or oga m. accepting to marry a man means accepting to submit to him forever.

The Bible is the word of God nothing like archaic

A narcissist can decide to show his traits after 11 years! After 20 years or even after 30 years!!

Until women understand that marriage doesn't complete you, marriage doesn't make you, marriage is only a chapter in your sojourn on earth! Abuse would continue to be transferred from generations to generations.

You are enough!

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hopeforcharles:

This same method of thinking will sink a home instead of mending it,
A way to win a person especially your superiors is to overlook some things except you are no more interested but if you are u should be the one to use a tact and win him back.
The man in question can divorce her and still marry more wives if he likes,
And you women tends to forget that he is the one that married you. You shouldnt and can't and will not be the same with him.

What kind of thinking is this? Is this what you will tell your daughter if she was in OP's shoes? Like seriously?

Why are most men not interested in keeping their homes and marriages? They do things that destroy the home and are not called out for their wrongs but the woman is demanded to be gentle and keep the home! C'mon! C'mon!! That's wickedness!

Too many men with unhealthy sense of entitlements these days. Marriage is not about the man but both man and woman.

Lexusgs430:


Once an abuser, always an abuser..... You have given him the licence to be domestically violent with you..... Even if he apologies, it does not stop the DV.

You need to nip DV in the bud..... The same way keeping malice is a hobby to him, so is DV.....

From hair pulling, to slapping, to belting, to testing a knife.....

So, she should pack out of her home and move into your house. Or rather, she should go and learn Karate so that she can beat her husband very well and teach him the lesson of his life. I think your brain is not working, go and buy another one from skull miners in Osogbo.

The Bible says a wise woman keeps her home. Madam, what did you do to your husband that brought out the beast in him? But the husband needs serious counselling and reorientation shaa.

Eketem:
Beating you pulling out your hair but you are concerned about malice smh.

Go and beg as usual, weak annoying women when he kills you tomorrow people will be demanding empathy

How many years have you been married that qualifies you to put mouth in husband/wife matter? You think marriage is like boyfriend/girlfriend? My friend go and sit down in one kiosk and drink ogogoro as usual.

efighter:


So, she should pack out of her home and move into your house. Or rather, she should go and learn Karate so that she can beat her husband very well and teach him the lesson of his life. I think your brain is not working, go and buy another one from skull miners in Osogbo.

The Bible says a wise woman keeps her home. Madam, what did you do to your husband that brought out the beast in him? But the husband needs serious counselling and reorientation shaa.

Does your hopeless Bible give the husband permission to beat his wife?

Go and inspect your parents brain first, for workability. And if their brains are not working, buy them a replacement. Then you would know if mine is working or not.....

ogawisdom:


In Christian marriage as ordained by God they are not equal partners one is the superior. a woman must submit to the husband that is the basis of Christian marriage. Husband literally means master or oga m. accepting to marry a man means accepting to submit to him forever.

The Bible is the word of God nothing like archaic

How come men conveniently forget the other part of the "submit" passage? It says "love your wife". When you read how the Bible describes love in 1corin 13, you will agree that a husband cannot be inconsiderate, a dictator or a demigod that cannot accept when wrong and apologize.

But all you guys see is "SUBMIT! SUBMIT!!"

Advice to everyone.

Before you interfere in husband and wife issue, make sure you start off by siding with the husband. He is the head of the home and the authority over the woman as stipulated by the Bible which is the word of God. It is from that point you will be able to see clearly who's at fault between the couple. It will be possible to make sound judgment in their case because you started off recognizing God's rule which made the husband head. The same thing applies with parents and children. Always side with the parents first.

Now the husband might be the one at fault, but not siding with him at first will prevent you from making him say the stupid thing that lured him into doing the wrong thing he did. Siding with the wife instead of him will only render you foolish and horrible before him for interfering in his home where he has authority.

When the husband has stated the foolish thing that made him do wrong, which he might not quite be aware he's exposing himself, then you can now calmly make him see his fault.

As for the feminists on this thread, keep siding with your fellow females. You are making this life to seem like a battle of the genders. Look at the way you all are already advising her to quit her marriage all because of a rough time which she admits to instigating. One even said a man should no matter what beat his wife. What if he wakes up in the middle of the night and sees her about slitting his throat? He should just pet her and move on. No, I don't support domestic violence, but girls of these days think they can just get away with their acidic tongue. Such girls actually have men made for them. Instead of you to use this singlehood to learn to control your tongue, you are busy affiliating with a stupid ideology such as feminism.

Proverb 18:21
Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.

If you use your tongue to speak death, it will come your way. Your husband will beat the hell out of you untill you come to your senses. If you use it wisely to say lovely and soothing words, life will come your way and your husband will love you and respect you.

@OP move back to your husband's room and be his wife. Keep talking to him until he starts responding. Lastly, ignore the advise from the feminists here. None of them will share their husband with you after they've made you lose yours. They might even be going through worse in their own home, but they will never say. What you are going through is just one of the ups aand downs of marriage. It will pass.

ImaIma1:


How come men conveniently forget the other part of the "submit" passage? It says "love your wife". When you read how the Bible describes love in 1corin 13, you will agree that a husband cannot be inconsiderate, a dictator or a demigod that cannot accept when wrong and apologize.

But all you guys see is "SUBMIT! SUBMIT!!"

once a woman submits to his husband the husband will love her dearly. submission is what a man calls love , men don't need the love of a woman he needs the submission of a woman which is a divine injunction.

christian marriage makes a man the master in the marriage that is why he is the provider and the wife helper. submission comes before the woman is loved more.

satanic feminist who doesn't believe in the Bible should not quote me, the Bible is my standard reference point for marriage