₦airaland Forum

Good morning everyone, I want to share a recent event with the nairaland family here but so as not to turn it to tribal bashing, I won't mention tribe but I will make it straightforward n simple d best way I can.

In our family, we have 3 bad records from a particular tribe when it comes to marriage so since then we have been scared about them which is normal because we are humans and past events must shape our lives.

The first one, a lady married from the tribe but when the husband died she was chased out of the house and they didn't even care to know what would be the fate of the children, it led to court case and the house was divided between the family and the wife. Na ordinary headache later kill the lady which was very unusual, we all knew it's spiritual n highly connected with the power tussle.

The second lady, the mother in law will always frustrate her and always believe there's a lady in the village that can do better. Imagine a mother in-law insisting that their language must b spoken anytime she's around even when she knows the lady is just trying to speak it. The mother in-law will tell her to go a million miles to get ingredients for their native food only for the wife to finish cooking n the woman will always complain that there's always a problem. It got so bad that they later divorced and the man was forced to marry from her village only to divorce the same perfect village girl after few years, now the same man is back now begging her but the lady made it clear she can only come back after d mother in law don die.

The third one happens to be a man, he got married and 2 boys were brought from the woman's village to come and be staying with them, those people were staying with them n no problems but if the husband brother should come and spend few days then all hell will lose n many more that I can't say but the woman frustrated the man that it later led to divorce.

Now to the main issue that brought me here, my cousin (guy) wants to marry from the same tribe again n his father has made it clear he won't support it, same with my father. Now he wants to start forming woke by saying he can do whatever he wants and he believes I will support him.

I broke his heart yesterday when I made it clear I am also not in support of it not because I don't like him or the lady but because of precedent

What do u people feel about it?

Goodnewsforlife:
✓
The first one, a lady married from the tribe but when the husband died she was chased out of the house and they didn't even care to know what would be the fate of the children, it led to court case and the house was divided between the family and the wife. Na ordinary headache later kill the lady which was very unusual, we all knew it's spiritual n highly connected with the power tussle.
✓ The second lady, the mother in law will always frustrate her and always believe there's a lady in the village that can do better. Imagine a mother in-law insisting that their language must b spoken anytime she's around even when she knows the lady is just trying to speak it. The mother in-law will tell her to go a million miles to get ingredients for their native food only for the wife to finish cooking n the woman will always complain that there's always a problem. It got so bad that they later divorced and the man was forced to marry from her village only to divorce the same perfect village girl after few years, now the same man is back now begging her but the lady made it clear she can only come back after d mother in law don die.
The third one happens to be a man, he got married and 2 boys were brought from the woman's village to come and be staying with them, those people were staying with them n no problems but if the husband brother should come and spend few days then all hell will lose n many more that I can't say but the woman frustrated the man that it later led to divorce.

Now to the main issue that brought me here, my cousin (guy) wants to marry from the same tribe again n his father has made it clear he won't support it, same with my father. Now he wants to start forming woke by saying he can do whatever he wants and he believes I will support him.
I broke his heart yesterday when I made it clear I am also not in support of it not because I don't like him or the lady but because of precedent
What do u people feel about it?

1. What did the woman in the first instance do wrong and what does this have to do with her entire tribe?

2. In the second record, are you insinuating thar the acts of one bad mother-in-law is to be used to tarnish an entire tribe? By the way, didn't the woman who married her son realize from before the marriage how the woman was before making the decision to marry her son?

3. This third record seems more of a problem between a husband and his wife. Why are you all determined to paint an entire tribe with their problems?

4. If someone were to find someone wrong in your character, would you be willing to suggest that your entire tribe be equally condemned?

Kobojunkie:
1. What did the woman in the first instance do wrong and what does this have to do with her entire tribe?

2. In the second record, are you insinuating thar the acts of one bad mother-in-law is to be used to tarnish an entire tribe? By the way, didn't the woman who married her son realize from before the marriage how the woman was before making the decision to marry her son?

3. This third record seems more of a problem between a husband and his wife. Why are you all determined to paint an entire tribe with their problems?

4. If someone were to find someone wrong in your character, would you be willing to suggest that your entire tribe be equally condemned?

kobojunkie

I avoid u cos I know u argue blindly but I will reply u politely.

I didn't paint d entire tribe as bad but we haven't been lucky doing things with them n there have been precedent so as a wise person I think anyone in my shoes will think twice before supporting what has failed u for 3 consecutive time

What is the assurance that this one will b an exception?

Goodnewsforlife:
✓ I avoid u cos I know u argue blindly but I will reply u politely. I didn't paint d entire tribe as bad but we haven't been lucky doing things with them n there have been precedent so as a wise person I think anyone in my shoes will think twice before supporting what has failed u for 3 consecutive time
✓ What is the assurance that this one will b an exception?

You didn't paint the entire tribe as bad yet you are hear making a case against anyone from that entire tribe because of the actions of a few individuals?

2. What is your assurance that forcing your cousin to marry from a different tribe, even his, will not end worse for him?

Kobojunkie:
You didn't paint the entire tribe as bad yet you are hear making a case against anyone from that entire tribe because of the actions of a few individuals?

2. What is your assurance that forcing your cousin to marry from a different tribe, even his, will not end worse for him?

let me ask u a question

U have 4 attempts, u have used 3 on a particular outcome n it turn out negative. Will u still use your last chance on d same thing that failed u 3 times?

Goodnewsforlife:
✓ let me ask u a question
U have 4 attempts, u have used 3 on a particular outcome n it turn out negative. Will u still use your last chance on d same thing that failed u 3 times?

Lets put the tribe issue to the side for a moment, do you give up entirely on pursuing your dreams because of 3 past failures other people in your family supposedly had?

Kobojunkie:
Lets put the tribe issue to the side for a moment, do you give up entirely on pursuing your dreams because of 3 past failures other people in your family supposedly had?

the answer is no

But don't u think only a fool does something repeatedly same way n expect different result?

At least 3 have failed using d first approach, y not try another approach?
Y not look elsewhere?

What if we try it d 4th time n it brings d same bad result?

Don't u think that's pure stupidity?

Some of you even though you are traveled, well informed and educated continue to be myopic.
Should we say because America legalized Lgtbqia,racists,and has lots of them that your kith and kin won't marry from there.Rather you even see it as a win and achievement.

Meanwhile in Nigeria, because of 'see finish ' ,the actions of 3 ppl sums up the entire tribe.

Swear that the marriage between all your tribe ppl are doing marvelously well.

Toke Makinwa x Maje Ayinda= Failed( same ppl)
Peter p square x Lola= Standing strong( intertribal)
Funky Akindele x JJC=Failed (same tribe)
Emeka Ányá ọkụ x Bunmi Anyaoku= Standing strong ( intertribal)

Goodnewsforlife:
✓ the answer is no. But don't u think only a fool does something repeatedly same way n expect different result?
✓ At least 3 have failed using d first approach, y not try another approach? Y not look elsewhere? What if we try it d 4th time n it brings d same bad result? Don't u think that's pure stupidity?

Absolutely none of the stories you told revealed people doing the same things the exact same way, though. So, don't you think it is rather foolish to assume it was all done the same in an attempt to justify an utterly biased view against a particular tribe?

2. You said it yourself that none of the 3 reports point to a problem that stems from tribal origin. Yet you remain adamant that even with the absence of evidence, you would rather link it all back to the particular tribe. Why? Isn't that what stewpidity is all about?

I honestly think you and your family members should consider the particular details of each of the records to locate the particular problems and mistakes made. It is through the pursuit of understanding that we are best able to prevent a reoccurrence of the same particular issues.

Let me give an example using the first report. It seems, from the claim you made, that the first report's husband did not put down a will before his death, setting his wife and children as the sole inheritors of his will. That problem could easily have been dealt with before his death of the woman and her husband had been one -- in agreement on this --- before his death, but most couples refuse to address this issue until it is too late. The family of the deceased is by law allowed to try to fight for a piece of the action, so they technically did no wrong. A written and signed Will created by the man before hIs death would have resolved the case. So, tell your court cousin and his wife to ensure they write their will and update it regularly, since no one knows when death will come.

Kobojunkie:
Absolutely none of the stories you told revealed people doing examples of people doing the same things the exact same way though. So, don't you think it is rather foolish to assume it was all done the same in an attempt to justify an utter biased view against a particular tribe?

2. You said it yourself that none of the 3 reports points to a problem that stems from tribal origin. Yet you remain adamant that even with the absence of evidence, you would rather link it all back to the particular tribe. Why? Isn't that what stewpidity is all about?

I honestly think you and your family members should consider instead the particular details of each of the records to locate the particular problems and mistakes made. It is through pursuit of understanding that we are best able to prevent a reoccurrence of the same particular issues.

Let me give an example using the first report. It seems, from the claim you made that the first report's husband did not put down a will before his death setting his wife and children as the sole inheritors of his will. That problem could easily have been dealt with before his death of the woman and her husband had been one -- in agreement on this --- before his death, but most couples refuse to address this issue until it is too late. The family of the deceased are by law allowed to try to fight for a piece of the action, so they technically did no wrong. A written and signed Will created by the man before hIs death would have resolved the case. So, tell your court cousin and his wife to ensure they write their will and update it on a regular basis since no one knows when death will come..

ok

OP, no two marriages are exactly the same. People always make this mistake of comparing marriages of people they know, and most especially celebrities to their marriages or marriages of their loved ones. That's an error. In most cases, it only takes a close insider to know the true health of a marriage, and not people or strangers watching from distance or watching it through the internet.

Now coming to inter tribal or inter culture marriages, from my experience, personal and others, I will say difference in culture poses additional challenges to inter-tribal marriages. That doesn't mean all inter tribal marriages fails or all mono-tribal marriages survive. One just needs to recognize the additional challenges to face before embarking on it.

Coming to the experience of your family, OP, I will not dismiss past antecedents too. There might be cultural, values, or upbringing factors in your family and that tribe, that will always prevent any member of your family from having a successful marriage with the tribe you are referring to. So, I will say you are not wrong to consider past experiences peculiar to your family as a challenge before marrying from the tribe.

His father, your father, and you, all want the best for him. Sometimes it's best to listen to elders or those who have seen or experienced more than us. As the saying goes, "What an elder sees sitting down, a young man cannot see even if he climbs a tree". He's silly if he doesn't want to listen to your warnings. I don't see how he can even proceed if his father, your father and you don't support it, which means none of y'all will be present for any of the events that will come into play (e.g. introduction). If he, nonetheless, wants to proceed, without none of your presence nor blessings, then he should also know that oyo is his case if any problems arise in the marriage because none of you will come to his aid or rescue.

NotOfThisWorld:
His father, your father, and you, all want the best for him. Sometimes it's best to listen to elders or those who have seen or experienced more than us. As the saying goes, "What an elder sees sitting down, a young man cannot see even if he climbs a tree". He's silly if he doesn't want to listen to your warnings. I don't see how he can even proceed if his father, your father and you don't support it, which means none of y'all will be present for any of the events that will come into play (e.g. introduction). If he, nonetheless, wants to proceed, without none of your presence nor blessings, then he should also know that oyo is his case if any problems arise in the marriage because none of you will come to his aid or rescue.

God bless u

I don't even have any problem with him but what I fear is precedents, we haven't been lucky with those tribe so it calls for caution.

I spoke to him like a brother n I make him see the likely problem cos his mom wasn't even diplomatic about it, his mom gave a capital NO without remorse but u know as a man I have to talk to him man to man since I know he's a grown up n he can take decisions himself.

Imagine
One death
2 divorce from a particular tribe n someone is telling me not to b cautious

Let me be completely honest, I used to have a very free mind and have always be in support of intertribal marriages, but recently, I am begining to think otherwise, and have realized that getting married to people from certain tribes in Nigeria can create problems for you. However, it is important to do a background check on the family you are getting married into, because it will not be fair to generalize since everyone cannot be bad.

NotOfThisWorld:
✓ His father, your father, and you, all want the best for him. Sometimes it's best to listen to elders or those who have seen or experienced more than us. As the saying goes, "What an elder sees sitting down, a young man cannot see even if he climbs a tree". He's silly if he doesn't want to listen to your warnings. I don't see how he can even proceed if his father, your father and you don't support it, which means none of y'all will be present for any of the events that will come into play (e.g. introduction). If he, nonetheless, wants to proceed, without none of your presence nor blessings, then he should also know that oyo is his case if any problems arise in the marriage because none of you will come to his aid or rescue.

You are speaking of course about the very same elders who saw Nigeria to where it is today for literally every Nigerian born in Nigeria and outside, right? I just want to be certain we are talking of the same group of people whose supposed wisdom has only led Nigeria--- all inhabitants of the 774 LGAS in it --- to where they are today.

Goodnewsforlife:
I broke his heart yesterday when I made it clear I am also not in support of it not because I don't like him or the lady but because of precedent

What do u people feel about it?

You are very right to be cautious. However, since your cousin is the man then going by those people's law it means that he calls the shots.

Therefore, if the lady is not rebellious, then you can trepiditiously support him.

But the weight depends on how strong your cuz is

Goodnewsforlife:
let me ask u a question

U have 4 attempts, u have used 3 on a particular outcome n it turn out negative. Will u still use your last chance on d same thing that failed u 3 times?

You are wasting your time with junky

Kobojunkie:
You are speaking of course about the very same elders who saw Nigeria to where it is today for literally every Nigerian born in Nigeria and outside, right? I just want to be certain we are talking of the same group of people whose supposed wisdom has only led Nigeria--- all inhabitants of the 774 LGAS in it --- to where they are today.

u are always talking rubbish

So it is the brain they use to steal that they use to arrange their family?

So a crook who stole government money n used it to sponsor all his kids abroad n establish them is foolish to u right?

So u think those who stole money are stupid not to arrange their family well?

Ulunne777:
Some of you even though you are traveled, well informed and educated continue to be myopic.
Should we say because America legalized Lgtbqia,racists,and has lots of them that your kith and kin won't marry from there.Rather you even see it as a win and achievement.

Meanwhile in Nigeria, because of 'see finish ' ,the actions of 3 ppl sums up the entire tribe.

Swear that the marriage between all your tribe ppl are doing marvelously well.

Toke Makinwa x Maje Ayinda= Failed( same ppl)
Peter p square x Lola= Standing strong( intertribal)
Funky Akindele x JJC=Failed (same tribe)
Emeka Ányá ọkụ x Bunmi Anyaoku= Standing strong ( intertribal)

Americans too are treated the same.

But they are slightly better because in place of family trouble all you have is personal troubles

Kobojunkie:
Absolutely none of the stories you told revealed people doing examples of people doing the same things the exact same way though. So, don't you think it is rather foolish to assume it was all done the same in an attempt to justify an utter biased view against a particular tribe?

2. You said it yourself that none of the 3 reports points to a problem that stems from tribal origin. Yet you remain adamant that even with the absence of evidence, you would rather link it all back to the particular tribe. Why? Isn't that what stewpidity is all about?

I honestly think you and your family members should consider instead the particular details of each of the records to locate the particular problems and mistakes made. It is through pursuit of understanding that we are best able to prevent a reoccurrence of the same particular issues.

Let me give an example using the first report. It seems, from the claim you made that the first report's husband did not put down a will before his death setting his wife and children as the sole inheritors of his will. That problem could easily have been dealt with before his death of the woman and her husband had been one -- in agreement on this --- before his death, but most couples refuse to address this issue until it is too late. The family of the deceased are by law allowed to try to fight for a piece of the action, so they technically did no wrong. A written and signed Will created by the man before hIs death would have resolved the case. So, tell your court cousin and his wife to ensure they write their will and update it on a regular basis since no one knows when death will come..

Will or no will no one or family have a right throw out a lawful wife and children from her ceased husband's lawful house 98% of the time. Everyone knows that but not you

Goodnewsforlife:
✓ u are always talking rubbish. So it is the brain they use to steal that they use to arrange their family?
So a crook who stole government money n used it to sponsor all his kids abroad n establish them is foolish to u right?
So u think those who stole money are stupid not to arrange their family well?

This writeup of yours amounts to gobbledegook!🤔

Again, you are speaking of course about the very same elders who saw Nigeria to where it is today for literally every Nigerian born in Nigeria and outside, right? I just want to be certain we are talking of the same group of people we all like to refer to as elders now whose supposed wisdom has only led Nigeria--- all inhabitants of the 774 LGAS in it --- to where they are today.

The same group whose rotten bit of wisdom helped guide Nigeria from the beginning -- from every compound, village, community, culture, etc.,-- to where it is at this point in time, abi? 🤔

My husband always says, a wise person learns from others mistakes. You all have adviced him rightly and therefore, your hands consciences are clear. If he goes ahead and it goes south, he is on his own. Who goes ahead with a wedding that his father is not in support of sef?i is he OK?

Cultural differences, hmmm.

Well, young me would have said "to hell with tribal and Cultural differences!".

Old me knows that those things do have a place in our lives.

Even in foreign countries, there are Cultural differences e.g you won't believe the mentality French men and women have about infidelity. Korean wives accept that their MiLs must suffer them. Danes, Norwegians share bills in marriage no matter how much you earn (you must contribute your fair share or leave), Latino men don't believe in faithfulness and also understand that their wives can be violent (so if you go and meet them and say your wife slapped you, they're not going to shout "divorce her!".

So Cultural differences DO exist.

But families dictate how much of it they follow. And it is used as a handy tool when you want to put someone in their place. Because if you check, none of the rules will apply to their own daughters.

In my family, I'm not sure of the expectations demanded from a Wife. Because my family don't carry it on their heads.

In my friend's Yoruba family, her MiL will be very surprised if she shows up, kneels to greet her and then enters kitchen to cook on Christmas Day. They have caterers and her MiL expects her to supervise and look very beautiful, so she can shoe her off to her wealthy friends.

In my friend's Urhobo family, those ones hate wives for a living. If you're a happy woman, their body will scratch them. Oppression Olympics.

In my neighbour's Hausa family, once you marry you can't go back to your parents house for no reason. Your papa needs to call your husband to ask if you're home so he can visit his own daughter.

All these people use parts of their culture as they deem fit. My friend said when her husband started having problems with her was when he realised that "in his culture, wife kneels down to serve food!". Meanwhile once she left and side chic moved in, he was the one setting table and even washing plate.

OP, tell your cousin that whilst his babe's culture will have some influence on her, HER FAMILY CULTURE is way more important.

That's the deciding factor there.

And most importantly, look at YOUR FAMILY CULTURE. How do you treat wives?

Because Divorces also means una get skoin skoin as well.

Nobody is perfect.


PS: Toke Makinwa and Maje Ayinda was intertribal (Yoruba+Itsekiri). Seriously, stay away from most Urhobo, Isoko, Itskeri and Esan men and their families

Goodnewsforlife:
let me ask u a question

U have 4 attempts, u have used 3 on a particular outcome n it turn out negative. Will u still use your last chance on d same thing that failed u 3 times?

In the first 2, the families of the men, which i believe are your tribesmen, caused the problem by frustrating the wives.

Why are you putting blames on the wives(1st one chased away after her husband's death, 2nd one frustrated by a wicked, probably tribalistic mother in law) instead of these wicked families from your tribe??

I can swear you're yoruba, and the families involved here were just exhibiting the full tribalistic triaits that most of you are known for.
I pity women from other tribes, especially Igbo, who are foolish enough to marry into such a tribe with so many hateful bigots.
Such marriage is bound to fail right from the outset.

Goodnewsforlife:
God bless u

I don't even have any problem with him but what I fear is precedents, we haven't been lucky with those tribe so it calls for caution.

I spoke to him like a brother n I make him see the likely problem cos his mom wasn't even diplomatic about it, his mom gave a capital NO without remorse but u know as a man I have to talk to him man to man since I know he's a grown up n he can take decisions himself.

Imagine
One death
2 divorce from a particular tribe n someone is telling me not to b cautious

Your bigoted family is the problem! How about your tribe lady that was also divorced??
What a hate-filled and troublesome family!
Work on yourselves in that family, otherwise the divorce will continue no matter who you marry.