₦airaland Forum

I woke up today and felt warm as usual. As though there is an overheating device inside my system.

I don't get alarmed anymore because now I know it doesn't actually mean I'm dying.

Most days i can't tell whether i am going or coming. I Just watch everything go by as if in slow motion, while wondering what's next.

Honestly, if this is what anxiety disorder feels like, then i think its hell on earth.

Oh God... so many things i feel like saying but they all just disappeared.

The beauty of life is that it goes on... all things being equal.

The tragedy of life is that it goes on... all things being equal.

The highlight of today: I ran into my ex. My fvcking ex-girlfriend.

Just a few seconds and it dawned on me why i fell helplessly in love with her in the first place. That girl is a vibe!!

But she is married now, so we can't get too chummy.
.......

Yesterday on the road, on my way back from home, all i could think about was about the way that my life is going.

The day before that, my eldest brother had given me a bitter dose of reality..in his own special way.

With the accompnying insults, he had told me to stop being quiet and reserve...otherwise my enemy was going to be a failure in life.

The import of everything he said was this: that i needed to quit my job, uproot myself from lagos and go to a remote town somewhere and start to "hustle." Selling phone accessories in a wheel barrow.

I wish i was smart and knew what to do for each scenario..

How i feel right now is bleh...

At any given minute you will find that my head is a vessel for endless staccato of mostly meaningless thoughts.

Thoughts that engender fear. Anxiety. Frustration. Distress.

"Return to the breath. Keep returning to the breath."

I have never been organized and confident enough to make a habit of meditation.

These thoughts always try to get the better of me most times and it sucks!

How many ways are there to die?

Maitunbi:
How i feel right now is bleh...

At any given minute you will find that my head is a vessel for endless staccato of mostly meaningless thoughts.

Thoughts that engender fear. Anxiety. Frustration. Distress.

"Return to the breath. Keep returning to the breath."

I have never been organized and confident enough to make a habit of meditation.

These thoughts always try to get the better of me most times and it sucks!

How many ways are there to die?

The beauty of life is that it must go on regardless of the circumstances.
Once it's time, then it's time

As at today, I am on 2.5mg of xanax, or diazepam as some people choose to call it; taken 3 times daily. That, plus 25mg of amitriptyline tablets, taken at bedtime. Some time next week, I would have to increase it to 50mg, according to the psychiatrist. We consulted over the phone. He gave me a form containing a list of 63 questions and he wanted me to pick one statement that are numbered from 0-4; you know, sort of like hedonic scale for evaluating sensory properties of a product -- 1 for "dislike very much", and 5 for "like very much". That sort of thing. Afterwards I had to total the number of my answers over 63. I scored 11 in total. One of the statements said, "I think of killing myself but I will never do it" lol. I picked that one.

My history with mental health challenge goes way back. I have always had this anxiety. It grew with me. But life circumstances aggravated it and it turned to full-blown panic disorder. This was in 2023. As at today, I would say I've come a long way with managing the condtion.
......
Some times I look critically at my life and I want to burst into tears. Tears of anguish, obviously. No one had prepared me for this level of penury. When I was much younger, I thought I had everything it would require to be very successful in life. I thought academic brilliance was a major determining factor in succeeding in life. But the more life unfolded, the more it started to dawn on me that reality is way different from my imaginations.

The greatest derailment of my life happened when I chose, against every reason, to go and study Biochemistry in school rather than medicine. That singular error in judgement -- largely because I had no one to guide me -- has caused me more pain and heartache than any other decision I have made in life thus far.

I am 40 this year with nothing to show for my existence. Absolutely nothing. No wife. No child. No investment anywhere. No savings. A dead-end federal job. No respect, especially from my family. Nothing. The only person who cared about me left sometime last year after years of suffering.

How does one get back from something like this?

The average Nigerian politician is the worst enemy of the common man. Know this and know peace.

Whenever you pray about your problem, pray doubly for the wicked politicians holding your destiny to ransom. They have made a pact that the Nigerian people will never get any reprieve. They play God while God is above, watching.

May God in his anger arise and visit every evil man or woman who has vowed to keep on impoverishing the people of my country. Amen