₦airaland Forum

A chemist, a shopkeeper and a teacher were sentenced to death by firing squad.

The chemist was taken from his cell and as the soldiers took aim he shouted "Avalanche!"
The soldiers panicked and in the confusion the chemist escaped.

The shopkeeper was led out next. As the soldiers took aim he shouted "Flood!" And escaped.

The teacher was then lead out.
The squad took aim and the teacher, remembering how the other two had escaped, shouted "Fire!"

At the inquest into her husband's death by food poisoning,
Mrs. Moyo was asked by the coroner if she could remember her husband's last words.

"Yes," she replied. "He said 'I don't know how that shop can make a profit
from selling this salmon at only 20 cents a tin."

If I had a camera
I'll snap ur evry moment
evry smile, evry memory
n keep in my
Kitchen 2 scare the mouse..!!

Deadly Curfew
A 10pm curfew was imposed in Belfast Everybody had to be off
the streets or risk being shot. However one citizen was shot
at 9.45pm.

"Why did you do that?" the soldier was asked by his superior
officer.

"I know where he lives," he replied, "and he wouldn't have
made it."

True stupid stories
Really Stupid People

Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an
airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend
in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting
beer cans off each other's head.

A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record
showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety
goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the
film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that
twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave
the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required
seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons,
setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis,
but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians
had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a
book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page
manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips
of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days
later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery.
At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him,
and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name
and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he
had stolen over the lunch hour.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a
metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.
The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button
each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working,
the suspect confessed.

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the
cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused,
so the robber called the police and was arrested.

Me likey!

Nice nice

After robbing d Bank, robber 2 clerk: "Did u see me robbing?"
Clerk: "Yes."
Robber shot him dead & asked d next clerk: "Did u?"
2nd clerk: "No, But my wife saw u!"

Husband Comes Home Early And Sees Wife With Another Guy.
Wife: Why Are You So Early?
Husband: Who Is He?...
Wife: Don't Try To Change The Topic.

In a Grammar class. .
.
Teacher:- "HE does not like girls". .
.
What is 'He' in this sentence. . ??
.
.
.
.
.
.
Student:- Gay!!!

Man: How old is your father?
Boy: 1 year older than me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born

A lady dialled her cell number on her boyfriend's cell,
to see if her name was stored with those sweet names like;
*Baby, Honey, Love, Sweety etc.

Poor chick collapsed and fainted after finding out her
number is stored as plumber.

me likey
nice one

thanx ladies. lets try this set;

Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife says: I clean the toilet...
Husband says: How does that help?
Wife says: I use your Toothbrush.....


"What is the difference between like and love?" Answer: "Spit and swallow."

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says,
"Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply,
she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow,
quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question.
His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons.
When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven."
Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early.
Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically,
"Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says,
"Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?"
"Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming,
"Oh God, I'm coming!"

For his birthday, Little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on
this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job.
There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw Little Johnny heading out the
front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Johnny told him, "I was walking past your room last night
and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her
tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if
I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike."

If u like my sms,
it means I’m smart.
If u save it,
u agree I’m smart.
If u forward it,
u r spreading that I’m smart
& if u delete,
u r jealus, bcoz I’m smart.

an old woman came to the police station with her grandson and
told police officer that her husband has been lost since two days ago.
the police officer asked her to describe his appearance . She says :
“he was a tall , handsome , blue eye , blond hair , athletic , strong , rich ..... man .”
her grandson tell her surprisingly " but grandfather is not like that " .
the old woman answer " shut up son .since they are going to find me a husband let
them to find a good one !!!! "

Nice jokes

A teacher says, “Okay, class.
Today we’re going to be talking about the tenses.
If I say ‘I’m beautiful,’ which tense is it?”
Little Johnny raises his hand and says, “Obviously past tense, Miss.”

A man calls 911 and yells: "Help! My house is on fire!"
The emergency operator says: "Calm down, sir. How do we get there?"
The man says: "Oh jeez, don't you have those big red trucks anymore?"

A man is lying in his bed very ill and waiting for death
Beside him his wife is sitting and looking at him
Man: tell me darling, will you get married after I die
wife: yes I'm afraid
Man: will you cook Kabob[an Iranian dish] for him
Wife: no because he doesn't like kabob

What's the matter, you look depressed.
" >I'm having trouble with my wife.”
>”What happened?”
>”She said she wasn't going to speak to me for 30 days."
>"But that ought to make you happy."
>"It did, but today is the last day."

Teacher: Son,why don't you wash your face every day.I can actually see what you had for breakfast.
Boy: And what was it,sir?
Teacher: Eggs.
Boy: Wrong sir,that was yesterday.

Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one

An old couple were talking. The wife asked her husband,
"How many women have you slept with?"
"Only you, Darling,”
the man replied proudly. “With all the others I was awake."

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon
wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.

The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that
the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly,
step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.

The clerk looked really concerned, “Whatever happened to you, honey?
You look like you’ve been wrestling an alligator!”
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak,
“Oh God! When he told me he’d been saving up for 75 years, I thought he meant his money!!”

lmao
great jokes

thanx kody. pliz throw one joke also in here

Wife: Give me some money. I want to buy a bra.
Husband: Why? You have nothing to put in it!
Wife: You wear shorts!

HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?
WIFE: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa

Great jokes