₦airaland Forum

tomideayo:
You are a brave woman, but not all people are as strong as you... Sometimes they just let it be and say 'whatever happens happens' and i underrstand that you husband feels the need to not use the internet to help him but i'm afraid that isnt good enough. The world is changing. Everything he needs to be better, he can find in books, but why waste time when he could just google it? I suggest you check out this marriage website... you first though, then you and your husband http://savethemarriagesystemreviews.com/
If it helps, you can thank me later...
From: Tomide Ayo

thank you. he believes taking him off the internet for the main time can help him and am ready to work in that direction since is just temporary. thanks for sharing the link.

thanks to everyone for your contributions, I really appreciate all ur advise and encouragement. today after we d morning devotion, I asked him why he didn't tell me that he watched porn and he wanted to walk away but I persuaded him to sit back. I told him I was d one who invited him to Abuja and it was me he had been chatting with all this while, he looked at at me and say You! and I said yes. hum! he apologized and told me to collect his phone and I should give him another mobile phone that does not support internet browsing. I ask him y and he told me he can do away with any immoral chats or porn as long as he doesn't surf the net. he asked me to go on a vacation with him for few weeks so as to work on him. he told me he is ready to change if am ready to help him, from there I realized my husband has being trying so hard to fight his addiction because I remember he once deactivated his Facebook account and gave his phone to his younger sister. I also apologized for hiding my identity from him and I really cried this morning and also happy. we are both taking a leave and going on vacation by the end of the month. once again I say thank you all for your support.

freecocoa:
And you didn't know that about him before saying yes to forever?

no because we were in a distance relationship we only talk on phone on a daily basis. we were both in different countries.

freecocoa:
That's why I was wondering na, if you are with a man and he'd rather watch porn, then my sister, you are either no longer sexually attractive to him or horrible in bed.

according to him, he just finds pleasure watching and chating intimately with female frnds. he is the type that will never complain about anything about me. I asked what his wife is lacking that made him addicted, he says nothing and even praised me and said he has bn watching way back before we got married nd I was the one who reduces it but he can't just do away with it.

5minsmadness:
Apologies ladies.


@addiction12, you married a monster. Divorce him asap.

tnx but that is not d solution am asking for. I still appreciate your concern

5minsmadness:
And you prefered this advice.

To ignore the problem and become selfish and pursue your own happiness and do things without him thereby increasing the rift between you.

He did wrong so you must do wrong as well.

I wish you luck.

what do u want me to do?

5minsmadness:
Have u done it to know he wont listen? Have u caught him with girls before and talked to him and he didn't listen?

You have already defeated yourself by your assumptions.

no sis, I hv never seen him with any body that is why this is really affecting me emotionally. I spoke to him about the lady he chat with on Facebook and he told me he met d lady even before he met me nd thier friendship its just casual. He has never brought anyone home nor does he keep out late except his online frnds that he flirt wt to d extent of exchanging thier nude pictures. And I fought with him regarding his chat but he wouldn't listen and that was what led to me opening a fake account just to divert his attention but I won't lie to u, my husband has revealed alot more than I expected to me though da fake account and that was how I got to know he is addicted to porn.

5minsmadness:
Why haven't u told him about your discoveries? Why are u punishing yourself? Are u afraid of confronting him with what you have found.

Pls stop this crying in silence thing, talk to him about it this evening when u r both relaxed and free. Keeping it to fester in your heart is not good for you. Remember you said he is a calm devoted husband who loves you. So if you had never found out about this you wouldn't have been this miserable. Nothing has changed, you have simply discovered what many other married women will discover in marriage, that sex is a very big deal to men and they will find an outlet for it sooner or later.


Tell him about your discovery in a calm manner. Show him proof of the girls (i hope u have the proof with you), then ask him why he doesnt express himself like that with you. Most respectable husbands don't express thier sexual selves to thier wives for fear of being laughed at or insulted. Other men have the wrong notion ingrained in them that sex is a dirty thing and feel it will be disrespectful performing thier sexual desires on thier wife.


Sha talk about it in a calm, serene, non-judgemental environment. See how it goes.

he wont just listen. maybe because he doesn't respect my view. that is who my husband his, he believes he knows it all and nothing I say makes sense to him.

Mindfulness:
If I were you, I would get busy and focus on myself, my kids, my life, my job (inside or outside the house), socialize and most importnatly my happiness. If anything can help you, then this. Don't let anyone walk all over you and treat you this way. He doesn't respect you so you need to learn how to respect yourself.

Keep your interaction with him formal, be polite but reserved. Just interact to organize family life and do as much as you can without him.

My two cents.

thank you and I appreciate your advise, u seems to really understand my situation. I never expected my husband to be like this. I just have to let him be and focus on my life, am even finding It difficult to concentrate at work.

5minsmadness:
He loves you but he is not being satisfied sexually.

Maybe he is the quiet type and would have told you once or twice what he likes sexually but you rebuffed him and he was so embarrassed that he never mentioned it again and decided to satisfy himself elsewhere.

Watching porn with him is not the answer. Try and dissuade him from it, but more importantly talk to him about his sexual needs and see if you can improve in that department.

Tell him about the facebook girls. Show your disappointment but do not turn it into a fight.

As for your fake facebook account, i'd say tell him about it but you can still keep communicating sexually with him using it. Since you have already created a channel for him to express himself sexually, you might use it to your advantage by sending and recieving naughty texts and pictures between yourselves. It will be a private sex room for both of you.


All the best.

he is only pretending to be quiet. he never ask me anything nor does he ever opened up to me regarding this, he won't just open up exceptt online

Mindfulness:
Why do you hide your feelings from your husband?

we have talked several times about it, all he does is to ignore me. he has this I don't care attitude, no matter what I say, it doesn't mean anything to him. sometimes he got wet as a result of his chats. he even sent money to the lady I was trying to divert his attention from and he told me he was broke when I asked him for money.

iPrevail:
Okay.. I think we've found our problem.
Your hubby may be a very sexually active person with lots of fantasies.. And you may not be satisfying him in that aspect.

A man may never cheat on you if having sex with you is something he craves like breakfast.

That said, talk to your man. Don't be scared to approach him.. Get kinky with him sometimes and tell him you love him. Don't be afraid to go freaky if you have to.

If you don't, some Facebook girl will.

he is the type that will never ask for sex unless I make a move. as am typing this tear is rolling down my chicks because he still send very indecent message online. what else can I do cos have cried my eye out in silence.

ronald4lif:
All ye women who go and set up new Facebook profiles using pretty and seductive women pictures are idiots. You lead a man on and show interest in his chats flaunting your "assets" and expects him not to react positively because he's married? Please next time employ the services of a pretty babe to seduce him so you can determine if he won't cheat on you. Nonsense!

I blame the silly man you married sha, to not have gone through the fake profile to see how new/old it is and know that for a relatively new account to be receptive to his flirts is a red flag.

before criticising kindly read the reason for d fake account. I only did it to divert his attention from a lady whom I knew has been having intimate chat with my husband. I ll do anything to save my marriage cos I love him and I know he loves me too.

Richy4:
You can use some acting skills to get your man back...

The title of your acting will be called getting my man back or Emotional blackmail....

So this is how it will play out....

Seriously look sober one Saturday morning, Do all the domestic chores, carry out the daily activities as usual. .. But act like the world will end on Sunday and your father in law has already promised u BMW X6 2016 model on Monday.... u get the mood right? correct...

Then as a loving husband, he will ask u what the matter is, Then u burst into tears....Real tears oo
Within those tears, u ask him.. have i denied u anything .... He will say no, am i so ugly,...Do i bore you in bed.... If all the answers are no, then ask him why he was doing all these to you and the marriage...proceed to tell him about the FB account u created etc...

Cry more and more... within your cry, keep saying I love u.. God knows I love u.. etc...I have done every thing to make this work....If i have done anything wrong u are my husband, we are on this together u tell me...

If he is someone like me that hated tears,... it will reduce his online behavior.... at least he will think twice before he add another famale...

oh!! u have to be good to execute this..and if it worked, remember to come to me and pay your tithe...

ok, I ll try this.

Onegai:
Porn is not something anyone should consume. It is unhealthy. It is not attractive, no-one filming it thinks it is sexy, it is a fantasy and not really a good one. Let me paint a vivid picture for you:

Everyone, crew and cast come to set (someone's house). Whilst crew is putting up lights and rigs, sound is checking his boom (big mike) and director is talking to actors (who probably just met that day). There's no where to change they just go to one corner and remove cloth and if the actors are smart, they will carry their own bathrobe and slippers to be wearing around. The male actors take pills to keep that "stuff" up and most times he barely talks to the woman (they just met and this is a job). Makeup covers the actors bodies with foundation and powder (even their bumbums are powdered so it won't shine on camera and they have to cover boob surgery cuts, weird offensive tattoos, cellulite from eating too much bread, drug usage wounds because a lot of porn actors use drugs) and also mix the "money shot" liquid (oh, did boys think all that was real and natural?) They get on set and decide on condom usage (most directors don't like it because it doesn't sell well). They shoot, take breaks of upto 1 hour to change lights and soundproof and the man has to keep that stuff hard all through that (because they rented the lights and cameras and wasting time costs money and if any actor causes delay no-one will work with them). So everyone has to be ready once the director calls them. No "abeg let me try and get it up". But if he needs to, there's a prosthetic on standby that looks bigger that can be held by the man. By the way, females are paid higher than men and a lot of men tend to work in gay porn (which pays them higher). Now, for all those close-up shots, the camera man has to kneel down in between the legs of the actors and point the camera upwards, which is why you get scenes like man and woman standing and lifting one leg (they are trying to get a better shot). Try holding yourself in that position for 15 minutes without getting a painful cramp.

So, does this sound sexy? Why are you watching something so uncomfortable and why do we keep telling women to watch it? How does this improve life, how can any person throw away their marriage over something even the performers are only doing to get paid to pay for a mortgage on their house? How??

OP, show your husband what I typed. Tell him I got that info from people who work in the industry (even photogs in Nigeria exist who shot this and they will prefer shooting your average housewife than a stripper because strippers have dead eyes and frankly don't do well on camera). But it is NOT a glamourous job and they love-vendor their models out to politicians and rich men.

Now, for the cheating, calmly confront your husband. Tell him that if he is willing to risk his life for something so tawdry with a random stranger who can infect him with anything or even set him up and kill him, he is an adult but you will not be part of it. Tell him his fantasies are built on lies and it is better you and he stay in bed and figure out what really works than to be jumping like a housefly from poop to poop, never satisfied. And that if in this economy he is willing to spend much-needed, scarce money to fly and lodge in Abuja to meet up with a random stranger for an encounter that he will forget before 40, then you must question your own judgement in marrying him. Ask him to be a Man (not all these boys parading as men). And focus on what is important. Be calm when saying this.

thank you so much for this. but should I continue chating with him under my fake account?

iPrevail:
Okay.. I think we've found our problem.
Your hubby may be a very sexually active person with lots of fantasies.. And you may not be satisfying him in that aspect.

A man may never cheat on you if having sex with you is something he craves like breakfast.

That said, talk to your man. Don't be scared to approach him.. Get kinky with him sometimes and tell him you love him. Don't be afraid to go freaky if you have to.

If you don't, some Facebook girl will.

I wish u know who my husband is! I get very naughty with him but instead he will simply smile and asked me to stop.

iPrevail:
OP.. How crazy are you in bed?

It's not a stupid question. I know exactly why I'm asking

am not crazy but not weak sexually.

thorpido:
He is addicted to porn.
You need to have a talk with him on the effects which will ultimately lead to cheating.Let him cooperate with you to overcome the addiction.
There are ways to overcome porn addiction and he should be ready to go through the process.

tnx for your consideration. process like what?

letsbet:
I'd suggest you leave educational materials like magazines, pamplets, books or tapes talking about the ills and effects of porn randomly around the house. That may help if you dont feel comfortable discussing the issue with him face to face.



I wish you scale through this successfully and joy comes back to ur family.

ok oh, I lost the trust and confidence I had for him.

letsbet:
I'd suggest you leave educational materials like magazines, pamplets, books or tapes talking about the ills and effects of porn randomly around the house. That may help if you dont feel comfortable discussing the issue with him face to face.



I wish you scale through this successfully and joy comes back to ur family.

I ll definitely begin to buy them now. he prefer having a chat with online frnds rather than talking to me.

Good day good people of Nairaland. I got married 3 years ago thinking he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. my husband is calm, easy going, no alcohol or too much friends and also very devoted. I discovered recently that he has a lady on Facebook he normally have an erotic chat with which am not comfortable with. three weeks ago I decided to open an account on Facebook and added him just for me to divert his attention from this lady but was shocked to see the level at which my husband can go while online by sending me a picture of his manhood. I was speechless, he has beginning to lie to me that he got a contract in Abuja and that he is going next wkend for inspection of which I was the one who invited him with my fake account. mothers, sisters or even fathers and uncles on this forum pls help me save my marriage, he told me he his addicted to porn which I never noticed in him. how can I stop him and should I stop the chat with him?