₦airaland Forum

Husband buys 5 of the same color
of pants for his
wife.
WIFE: Ah! Same color? People will
think i don't change my panties.
HUSBAND Which people?



SON: Mom, grandma is so
annoying, I wish she will
just die.
MOTHER: Idiot, it's your mother that
will die not mine



MOM: junior, pls bring water 4 me
from the fridge
Akpos: mom, to drink?
MOM: no, to change to wine. Useless
child"





Man: Baby, i love you, would you marry me?
Woman: (stands up and gave him a stinging slap on his
face)
I have waited more than 12yrs,
i have prayed, fasted, sowed seeds,
bought books and listened to tapes,
even went on my way to be nice to
specie of marriageble age!
I took up new hobbies, watching football and playstation.
I went to House on the Rock, MFM, Christ Embassy, Living
Faith, Redeemed and presently at Winners looking
everywhere for you,
I went from a size 16 to size 10,
so that when you see me,
you will love what you see.
I left lagos to abuja,
then i left to portharcourt,
then i went all the way to kano.
I joined hi-five, from hi-five to facebook,
from facebook to twitter,
I even had a blog on which i rented,
hoping you will show up!!
I uploaded only my best pictures on facebook,
infact i took photo sessions to look my best!!!
I attended all the weddings,
whether the invitation was direct or indirect!
The next place i was hoping to check was the moon,
before you crawled out from the door directly to me!!
So it was you all dis while??
The neighbor i say hello to every morning!!
Were you trying my faith
You almost rendered my prayer life useless!!
What were u waiting for
What sign were you looking for??
Do you want to kill me before you reveal yourself?
Now be a gentleman,
get down on your kneels
and put the ring on my finger!!!
The guy replied, "APRIL FOOL"



BIBLE QUIZ
Q: who is judas?
Akpos: a farmer and vegetarian.
Q: why?
Akpos: becos judas eats carrot.
Q: where is judas from?
Akpos: Nigeria.
Q: which tribe?
Akpos: igbo.
Q: why?
Akpos: becos he loves money.
Q: what is Lazarus surname?
Akpos: Comfort.
Q: why?
Akpos: becos wen Jesus came to
his grave, He shouted "Lazarus
Comfort".
Q: who are the brothers of
Lazarus that climb the tree to see
Jesus?
Akpos: Aki n Popo.
Q: why?
Akpos: because he is a short man.
Q: complete this bible quote,
"many are called but..."
Akpos: many are called but few
have the credit to call back.



AKPOS THE SMART
DRIVER..?
Akpos, who survived in a tragic accident which rendered 50 people dead
at Lagos-Ibadan Express
Way was remanded in police custody to assist in police investigation.
Luckily for him, the police officer incharge is his
friend Johnny.
Here is the Interrogation:
POLICE: Mr Akpos, how did you end up killing 50
people?
AKPOS: I was driving at 150km/h when I saw two men crossing the road.
On the other side, a
wedding
was taking place. I hit the brake but it failed, so I had
to make a choice, either hit the two men or run into
the wedding party....
POLICE: Hit the two men of course to reduce Casualties!
AKPOS: Exactly, we think alike oooh! But after hitting
one, the other man
escaped into the wedding
party.
POLICE: So, what did you do?
AKPOS: I went after him to balance the
equation...But
unfortunately, people lost their lives in the process.






STUDENT: Sir, can I ask a question?
TEACHER: Yes!
STUDENT: How do you put an
elephant inside a fridge?
TEACHER: I don't know.
STUDENT: It's easy, you just open the fridge and put it in. I
have
another question!
TEACHER: Ok, ask.
STUDENT: How to put a donkey
inside the fridge?
TEACHER: It's easy, you just open the fridge and put it in.
STUDENT: No sir, You just open the
fridge take out the elephant and put
it in.
TEACHER: Ooh...ok!!
STUDENT: Let me ask another one. If all the animals went
to the lion's
birthday party, and one animal went
missing which one would it be?
TEACHER: The lion of course!
Because it wud eat all the animals.
STUDENT: No sir, it is the donkey becoz it's still inside the
fridge.
TEACHER: Are you kidding me?
STUDENT: No sir, 1 last question.
TEACHER: Ok!
STUDENT: If there's a river full of
crocodiles and you wanted to cross, how would you?
TEACHER: There's no way, I would
need a boat to cross.
STUDENT: No sir, you just swim and
cross it because all the
animals went to the lion's birthday party....
TEACHER..i have my own question,if
all the
students come to
school except one person, who is the
person.. STUDENT.No idea sir..
TEACHER..its u because you are on
two
weeks suspension...







GIRLFRIEND: Hello oooo dearie!!!!
KWAME: Hi. GIRLFRIEND: What happened?
KWAME: Nothing.
GIRLFRIEND: No, say na, what happened? You look unhappy.
KWAME: I will ask you something now and you have to tell me the truth. Will you? GIRLFRIEND: Okay, ask.
KWAME: Who is Joseph? He likes all your profile pictures and even your status updates on facebook. Who the hell is he?
GIRLFRIEND: Please don't say anything about him.
KWAME: Is he your ex-boyfriend? Are you still in love with him?
GIRLFRIEND: Why would I love him. You are my only love.
KWAME: Then, is he your brother?
GIRLFRIEND: No, no. Not like that.
KWAME: Then who the hell is he for Christ's sake?
GIRLFRIEND: Shall we talk about something else?
KWAME: So you are hiding something from me? You have that much close relationship with him. He's so much important to you, right?
GIRLFRIEND: If I disclose the secret you will definitely scold me.
KWAME: I'm getting irritated now. Don't test my patience.
GIRLFRIEND: Pleasssssseeee!
KWAME: If you don't tell me, I will break up with you right now!
GIRLFRIEND: Okay, I will tell you. But promise me that you won't scold me, okay? KWAME: Okay.
GIRLFRIEND: Ermmmm, that is my fake profile, if no one likes my pictures, I like my pictures through that account and also post comments like beautiful, hot, sexy, nice one, etc.

.

Nice to hear. Hope to meet u soon

This person either schooled at a private university or did runs go get certificate

Hi, my name is Samson. I'm posted to anambra I'm from kwara state. This will be my first time of going to the southern region of great naija. Will meet you all soon

Pls I register for nysc without paying for online delivery of call up letter and I haven't recieve any msg from my school pls what should I do

Space for sale

Buy this space for advert

Its a fake rumor you guys like spreading alibaba post this not long ago

shekau

tyuhd:
The Sovereignty of God
To begin, we must go back to eternity past to when
God alone existed. “In the beginning, God”(Gen.
1:1). God has always existed and is self-existent
(Rev. 1:. God is therefore totally independent of
everything else. He alone is totally free and self-
sufficient. He does not need Man or anything in all
Creation (Acts 17:25). He is perfect (Matt 5:48) and
is therefore perfectly happy in Himself. God is so far
above Man that we cannot even begin to
comprehend Him of ourselves (Isa. 57:15). In sum,
God is God (Ex.3:14).
Now we know that God created all things (Gen.1:1).
But have you ever wondered why God created the
universe? What moved Him to do that? Or even
more, why does God do what He does? God himself
tells us in His Word: : “Our God is in the Heavens. He
does whatever He pleases” (Psa. 115:3; cf. Psa.
135:5-6; Job 23:13; Eph. 1:11; Dan.4:35). God does
whatever He wants to. This is the mere pleasure of
God (Matt. 11:26). God does as He pleases, always as
He pleases, only as He pleases.
God willed to create a universe. But before He did
the creating, He formed a “plan” (Jer. 49:20; 50:45).
Scripture calls this His eternal “purpose” (Rom. 8:28,
9:11, Isa. 46:10-11; Eph. 3:11; Acts 4:28; 2 Tim.
1:9). It is a blueprint for everything, as it were (cf.
Luke 14:28-30). It is not merely a wish or a
command, but His decree that preprograms
everything. He “works all things after the counsel of
His own will” (Eph. 1:11; cf. Psa. 33:11). Thus, it is
absolutely essential to see that God foreordained
everything that will come to pass. He predestined
everything that will ever happen, down to the
smallest detail. “For from Him and through Him and
to Him are all things” (Rom. 11:36).
Moreover, God will never change His mind on this
eternal plan. His purpose shall stand forever because
God never changes (Jer. 4:28; 23:20; 30:24; 1 Sam.
15:29). Therefore, His purpose shall most certainly
come to pass exactly as He planned it. Nothing can
prevent it (Psa. 33:11; 148:3; Tit. 1:2; Prov. 19:21;
Isa. 14:27; Heb. 6:17; Job 42:1). Neither Man nor
demon nor angel can frustrate God’s eternal purpose
from being accomplished, for all of their thoughts
and actions are included in that purpose. God did
not consult with us, not even by foreseeing what we
would do or say. He consulted only with Himself
within the Trinity (Eph. 1:11; Rom. 11:34; Isa.
40:13-14). With all this in view, then, we see that
there is no such thing as chance, luck or accidents.
There are no coincidences; everything has been
predestined. Why, God has even determined in
advance the flipping of a coin (Prov. 16:33; Jonah
1:7; Acts 1:24-26).
“The Lord God omnipotent reigns” (Rev. 19:6). God
is King over everything that is, was or ever shall be
(Psa. 93:1; 99:1; 103:19). He is an absolute
monarch, yes, the most absolute monarch of all
because He is King of Kings (Rev. 19:16). This is
what we mean by the sovereignty of God. He has
100% total authority over everything. The universe
is not a democracy; it is a kingdom ruled by God.
And not only did He predestine all that happens in
time, but in time He sovereignly guides all things
through providence (Rom. 8:28; 11:36; Eph. 1:11).
Lest somebody object that this does not seem right,
God reminds us that the universe is His property and
He can do whatever He wants to with it (Matt.
20:15). And He does just that– whatever He wants
to.
The question then arises, “What is the final purpose
for which God does all things?” Though God has not
told us all the details of His secret plans (Deut.
29:29), He has granted us the privilege of knowing
the bottom line. What is it? The final goal of the
whole universe is the glory of God. “From Him and
through Him and to Him are all things, to Whom be
glory forever. Amen.” (Rom. 11:36). He foreordained
and created all things to display His glory, and
everything will give Him glory and praise at the end
of time in eternity future (Prov. 16:4; Psa. 145:10;
Phil. 2:11; Rev. 4:11). God is the First Cause and
Last End of all things. There is neither chance nor
fate. The universe has meaning, and so do we. We
exist to give God glory.
This principle of the sovereignty of God must be
clearly understood in order to grasp what Calvinism
is all about ----Curt Daniel

Op this is good stuff.I especially like the,"The universe is not a democracy" and the," God has even determined in
advance the flipping of a coin (Prov. 16:33; Jonah1:7; Acts 1:24-26)." but I 've a question:YOU MUST BELIEVE IN ABSOLUTE PREDESTINATION OTHERWISE YOU CAN'T BELIEVE IN THE ABDOLUTE SOVEREIGNITY OF GOD"---Am I right?

ayoku777:
Thank God and thank you.



[quote/]In the bible and by the standard of the word of God, everyone is meant to be celibate before getting married. But that doesn't mean they have the calling of celibacy, they are only celibate because they are not yet married.

But when a christian is celibate because He doesn't want to get married for the sake of the kingdom of God, he is able to receive it because it is given him as a calling.

You understand? Celibacy because you're not yet married is not a calling, it is obedience to the doctrine of "no sex before marriage". But celibacy because you don't want to marry for the kingdom's sake is not a doctrine, it is a calling. And only those who are given the calling from God can receive the desire and ability to do it, according to Jesus.

Matthew 19v11 -But he said unto them, All men cannot receive this saying, save they to whom it is given. =[quote/]I think You're yet to understand his stance on this .He is saying,you both agree celebacy and marriage are callings correct me pls cos I might be wrong.
But we have seen many unsaved,married couples,are they called to it?if yes,that will be ridiculous and if no but we can shy from the fact,they're married.

[quote\]Gifts according to the scripture can be greater than eachother.

1Cor 14v5 -I would that ye all spake with tongues, but rather that ye prophesied: for greater is he that prophesieth than he that speaketh with tongues,

But you can covet and earnestly desire any of the gifts you want.

1Cor 12v31 -But covet earnestly the best gifts:

1Cor 14v39 -Wherefore, brethren, covet to prophesy, and forbid not to speak with tongues.

So gifts can be greater than eachother; and even though God can share them sovereignly; the choice of who gets which is ultimately in the hands of the seeker.

But unlike gifts, callings are not greater than eachother. A Pastor is not greater than a Teacher; an Apostle is not spiritually superior to an Evangelist; and a celibate is not greater than a married believer.

1Cor 3v5-7 - Who then is Paul (the Apostle), and who is Apollos (the Teacher), but ministers by whom ye believed, even as the Lord gave to every man?

I have planted, Apollos watered; but God gave the increase.

So then neither is he that planteth any thing, neither he that watereth; but God that giveth the increase.

What determines greatness in calling is in how Christlike we are in the discharge of the calling; and our faithfulness in the labour of it. It is not the calling itself that is greater.

1Cor 3v8 -Now he that planteth and he that watereth are one: and every man shall receive his own reward according to his own labour.

A Teacher who is more Christlike and faithful in his calling will be greater than an Apostle who is less Christlike and faithful in his calling. And a married man who is more Christlike and faithful in His marriage will be greater than a celibate who is less Christlike and faithful in his.

So there are greater gifts, but no greater calling. Only greater Christlikeness and faithfulness in the labour of the calling.[quote/]This is brillant! but maybe he has his own objection.

[quote\]When David said;

Psalm 51v5 -Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me.

He was not talking about the act of sex. He was talking about the concept of the "original sin"; the sin of being conceived and born in the image of the first Adam.

When Adam fell and became a sinner, everyone conceived and born of a woman, was born in the image of the first Adam, who was a sinner.

Genesis 5v3 -And Adam lived an hundred and thirty years, and begat a son in his own likeness, after his image; and called his name Seth:

So sin there is not the act of sex, but the image of sinful Adam in which everyone born of a woman is conceived and born.

Even Jesus that was conceived and born without the act of sex was made in the likeness of sinful flesh.

Romans 8v3 -For what the law could not do, in that it was weak through the flesh, God sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, and for sin, condemned sin in the flesh:

So even Jesus that was conceived and born of a virgin birth, without the act of sex was also born in the likeness of sinful flesh. That was why He too could suffer temptation and death.

So being conceived in sin, according to David is not in the act of sex; but the image of sinful Adam in which everyone born of a woman is conceived and born. It is the sin of the image of the first Adam, not the sin of the act of sex.

Sex is not a sin.

Shalom and God bless.

I disagree here sir.Maybe tyuhd should shed more light on His stance.This is it:If Scripture c
forbids fornication and we know lust is the womb of fornication,then of course it is also a sin though the scripture be silent about it.So tyuhd is saying through procreation man inherits original sim then it must also follow that sex is a simn.correct me on any error but i think he should elaborate more.

@ayoku tyuhd raised some question which you never really answered there are many more but here are 3 question i will cut and paste them here
1.You insisted celebacy is a calling and he(tyuhd) said it must necessarily follow with marriage then he said
SO HOW CAN A MAN BE IN A CALLING
BEFORE HE IS EVEN CALLED?
2.on superiority he said
IF SOME HAVE BEEN BESTOWED WITH GREATER GIFT,WHY SHOULDN'T OTHERS BE CALLED TO HIGER CALLINGS
3.He said In Psalms 51:5 David cries out,"Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me".If David confesses to have being conceived in sin the it must necessarily follow that THE DEED(sex) which produced the ACT(conception) must necessarily be sinful too! no escaping that logic!

ayoku777:
Those who made themselves eunuchs or celibate for the kingdom were able to make themselves because it was given them. They couldn't receive the desire or ability for kingdom celibacy unless the calling was given them. Those are the words of Christ.

And what do you mean a celibate has more time to dedicate himself to "the things of God"?

According to the bible, the family is part of "the things of God". Taking care of your family is part of the work of God.

Infact Paul said, the way a man takes care of his family is a measure and proof of how he will take care of the flocks of God. So much that he made taking care of your home one of the criterias for being a bishop and a deacon.

1Tim 3v4-5 -One that ruleth well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity; (For if a man know not how to rule his own house, how shall he take care of the church of God?)

I think the mistake you're making is that you think when a man is taking care of his family and home, he is being distracted from the work of God. You don't realise that taking care of the home is part of ministry work (the work of God) -not a distraction from it.

Shalom!

I must confess young man with all your arguement and bible knowledge you must be very sound

tyuhd:
God's commandment aren't graffiti merely used to decorate to comfort and instruct us.No! there is something in them that tells us alot about God's attributes,character and how He views his creation.for instance God commanded and even providentially set some wars King david and yet He forbade him building a temple in Honour of His name.From this, we may see that though God ordains and even providentially set those wars and sometimes David himself inquired of the Lord before setting out for warfare it was still contrary to God's essence.Now! if we honestly take a very brief survey through the law and the prophet we would get a glimpse of how God perceives Sex.In Psalms 51:5 David cries out,"Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me".If David confesses to have being conceived in sin the it must necessarily follow that THE DEED(sex) which produced the ACT(conception) must necessarily be sinful too! no escaping that logic!.In Exodus 19:15 when God was to appear to the isrealite He forbade sex and only sex three days prior to His arrival?A question begs to asked,but why?In the law of God when a man defiles Himself by several forms of Impurity such as touching a creeping animal or any other means He was for for most cases declared unclean till sundown.but when a man has sexual relations,Yes even with His wife he was declared unclean for TWO DAYS.Leviticus 15:18 After a man and a woman have sexual intercourse, they must each bathe in water, and they will remain unclean until the next evening.and when a Man accidentally engages in sexual relation with a woman during her period of menstrual impurity he was declared unclean for SEVEN DAYS.Leviticus 15:24 If a man has sexual intercourse with her and her blood touches him, her menstrual impurity will be transmitted to him. He will remain unclean for seven days, and any bed on which he lies will be unclean.And I would remind you they were 'created' by God?When a priest was to carryout His religous duty He was to refrain from sex and even david knew the truth of this.1 Samuel 21:4-5 “We don’t have any regular bread,” the priest replied. “But there is the holy bread, which you can have if your young men have not slept with any women recently.” “Don’t worry,” David replied. “I never allow my men to be with women when they are on a campaign. And since they stay clean even on ordinary trips, how much more on this one!” and the same is also true of christains in NT times.1 Corinthians 7:5 Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to PRAYER AND FASTING.Afterward,you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of SELF-CONTROL.Why must we abstain from intimacy just as from food Ay,there must be something inherently wrong in it!.So we can see God's estimation of it.One of the major function of marriage is procreation--Sex but even marriage itself would become worthess soon.Luke 20:34 Jesus replied,“Marriage is for people here on earth Luke 20:34-35 Jesus replied, “Marriage is for people here on earth. But in the age to come, those worthy of being raised from the dead will NEITHER MARRY NOR BE GIVEN in marriage".So,The phrase "bride of Christ" doen't mean marriage in the proper sense of the word.it's simply using human lang to express spiritual truth.Marriage is not ETERNAL.Did I can hear you say,"That was the OT" Yes but they tell us alot about How God perceives things and He doesn't change Mal 3:6.there is more i would love to write but off to class.
NB:I'm not a celebate and may not be one but I must always stand for the truth.I'm very busy,test here and there and as such I may not reply for a while.
SHALOM!

Nice one i really appreciate this

tonbratom:
Bro that's what I have,it's a gud one from Tecno,superb 5100mah battery..it can go two days depending on how u use it,bro in a nutshell. its a bomb

ok how much are u willingly to sell last?

bros pls lemme give u 9k.I hope it has no problem.besides where do u reside?

ok how much do u intend to sell d h7 phone last?

God bless you sir.I'm blessed.

@Op what are u implying,are u saying it is possible or not?

It is good to be penitent.I thank God,I made the right decision.we're now friends

Biggerboyc

shyna22:
morning everyone on nairaland we ar nw created a new group on telegram where we will discuss about ppspp game, andriod game, playstation 1 game,Nintendo 64 game, Nintendo nes game, and DS3 pad for playing games on andriod an again we will discuss how we can tweak imei an get gig from all our network provider like mtn glo Etisalat airtel etc people who had joined our group on whatapp we understand what am saying, any interested person u can nw drop ur number at soon at possible I will add u thanks u all

07035580860

olanrewaju90:
I see... U re psychologically derailed...
Was I elected in any political post, remember u do ur work when d task is given to U.
Wetin concern agbero wit overload and wetin conecrn road safety with bicycle.

if i look at ur age u will be maybe 20 to 22 years not even up to the last born in my house but pls atleast if u can't comment without insulting u should overlook my post. did i insult you in anyway. you better becareful with the things you type. if u insult a wicked person that might just be the last.

you see life is not always like that, although am not on his side but pls what is the work of there governor, chairman of the local govt and others. people always like to criticize. why don't you look at what he has done for his state rather than what he didn't do. that's why some people find it hard to thank God they only see what God has not do but the ones he has done they forget. its time to start working for the progress of this country and stop pointing at other peoples fault. if u see the need to repair the school why don't you get to work. if u cannot help Nigeria with you own personal money, if u become the president you will find it hard to also do it

read to edify ur soul. mine is www.crusadeforfaith..com

Nairalanders pls advise me on what to do?

bros do u know paul washer?

rezzy:
Where screen shot?

screen shot of what?are u implying i made up the whole story?i wouldn't want to divulge info on the preacher on a public forum,but trust me all i have spoken is the truth?nairalanders pls if you were in my shoes hat would you do?