₦airaland Forum

I am seeking thoughtful advice and honest perspectives about my situation. I welcome questions and will respond openly to help provide clarity. For the sake of privacy, I will use names throughout this account, but none of them are real.

My name is Ken and I live somewhere in Africa. For many years, all my relationships have been long distance. This was a deliberate choice because I made a promise to myself that when I finally settle down, it must be with a Nigerian woman. That personal decision has guided my relationship choices for a long time.

In 2024, I met a young woman on Facebook. We started talking casually, but our conversations quickly grew frequent and personal, and before long we began a relationship. At one point, I planned to bring her to live where I am, but circumstances changed and I cancelled that plan. She met my mother and some of my siblings, but she never met my father.

I supported her financially throughout the relationship. I paid her bills and her rent. In truth, I handled almost everything for her. However, one major issue kept causing conflict between us. She strongly identified with feminist ideas and rejected correction or criticism. In her view, we were completely equal in everything except financial responsibility. That dynamic created ongoing tension, and before the end of last year, I ended the relationship.

While going through the breakup, I reconnected with someone from my past. I met a woman I will call Susan on social media. I had known her in 2005 when I was an apprentice. We started chatting, exchanged contact details, and gradually began talking regularly. She asked if I was married and I said no. I asked her the same question and she also said no.

After some time, I expressed interest in pursuing a relationship with her. She declined gently, saying she was not ready. I respected her decision and we continued talking. Eventually, I reduced how often we communicated. For several weeks we barely spoke, just occasional greetings. Then shortly before Christmas, she asked that we talk. I called her four days later and she told me she was ready to try a relationship.

That was how we began again. Soon after, she opened up about her past relationship. She told me she had been involved with a man she was trying to leave, and her family strongly disapproved of him. I will call him Joe.

Susan has known Joe since around 2013. Their relationship began casually but later became serious. Susan lives in Asia while Joe lives in Europe. Whenever Susan travelled to Nigeria, she would buy Joe a ticket so they could travel together. Over time, they fell in love, but she described him as a serial cheat who was verbally abusive.

Last year they travelled to Nigeria together. While there, Susan bought her mother a car, and that triggered serious conflict. Joe insisted that if her mother received a car, he must also receive one. She almost agreed but stopped because of his attitude. When she bought her younger siblings iPhone 15 devices, he demanded one as well, and she gave it to him. He also wanted her gold necklace valued at seven million, but she refused to give him that specific one and instead bought him another that was less expensive. Throughout all of this, he continued cheating.

She gave him access to her bank card, and he used her money to go clubbing and entertain friends. He resented how much she supported her family. Joe is divorced with three children, and their relationship existed even before he married someone else and had those children. When he later returned to Susan, she accepted him again for the sake of love.

While in Nigeria, Joe told her mother he wanted to marry Susan. Her mother rejected him and said he was only interested in money. Susan became angry, left her own home, and stayed with Joe. One night he left her alone and spent time with another woman, which led Susan to move into a lodge.

Two months later they returned to their respective countries. After Susan returned to Asia, she fell sick and was diagnosed with a urinary tract infection. She was hospitalized for two weeks. While she was in the hospital, Joe asked her to lend him eight thousand US dollars. She refused to send the full amount because he would not provide a guarantor, so she sent two thousand five hundred instead.

This year he asked her to travel to Nigeria again. She refused, saying she would not spend her money again and that if they travelled he must fund himself. He insulted her repeatedly, saying she only lived for her mother and siblings. He later travelled to Nigeria with another woman, and Susan found out. She began confronting him publicly on social media and demanding repayment of the money she gave him. His friends intervened and begged her to forgive the debt and come to Nigeria so they could marry. She regularly sent me screenshots and voice messages of everything. I remained patient, believing she was going through a phase.

Joe later visited her mother again to announce plans to marry Susan, but her mother rejected him and sent him away. Susan told her mother she only wanted her money back. I advised her to let go of the money since there was no written agreement.

I stayed through all of this because I believed she needed support and healing. I did not remain because of her financial status. I did not even know she was financially comfortable when I pursued her. I have never depended on women financially and have always been the provider in relationships.

Susan asked that we travel to Nigeria in April to get married. I told her it would depend on whether I complete my project before then. She offered to assist me with ten million, but I refused. She has introduced me to her entire family, and I have informed my family about her. When my father contacted her mother, they discovered they had known each other for many years. Both families are waiting for us to come home and formalize the marriage.

Recently, Joe contacted her again with insults, and her mood changed for days. She continues blocking and unblocking him despite my repeated requests that she cut contact. At one point, I forwarded one of his insulting messages to her mother because he also insulted her mother in it. Her mother became angry and threatened legal action.

Two days ago, Susan saw a video of Joe with the woman he travelled to Nigeria with on social media in a Valentines party and her mood changed again. She shared the video with me. I even suggested she be honest with her family if she truly loves him and beg her family to allow her marry him. She insists she cannot be with him and that wants to be with me.

However, she accidentally sent me a message meant for her cousin where she admitted she is still deeply in love with Joe but does not want to lose me because I am kind and dependable.

Now I am deeply afraid. If I marry her, she may still be emotionally attached to him. She might cheat if they meet again. He may remain her shoulder to cry on and you know what that means.

My parents believe I am unwilling to settle down and say I am too intolerant. They think my temper is the problem. I disagree. I simply have not found the right woman. I introduced Susan to them quickly because they already believed I was not serious about marriage.

I am asking for respectful and constructive advice. Please share your thoughts honestly. I am open to questions and willing to explain anything further.

Admin please help me move to the right section and front page