₦airaland Forum

tpiar:
hm, well, the choices are not always what we think they'll be.

btw, i think you should stop referring to a "late" wife. In Nigeria, that's considered bad luck and might stick to you.

I don't refer to his "late" wife. I don't even bring it up. When the subject of her does come up it is him that brings it up. And the thing is I'm not Nigerian nor wish to be Nigerian. Nor do I wish him to stop being Nigerian. Yet at times it seems like he wants to make me Nigerian. Besides, referring to her as "late" is a sign of respect to call her what she is. She is not his "ex" wife or "previous" wife. Regardless of what their marriage was like she was there until death. Therefore she earned the title of "late". Many times its the culture and upbringing differences that we have issues with. We both grew up poor and had to work and struggle for survival. That's my deal. And it was made very clear to him from the beginning. I can be submissive but never dependent.

I've been married to a Nigerian man for a little over a month now and i must admit it is not what i thought it would be. First lets get some stuff out in the open. I have been married twice. Both times I left my husbands. The first one was not only lazy but decided that when I was at work he would sleep around with other women in my house. The second decided that since he was "the man" he could hit me whenever he felt like it. So after all of this i still haven't given up on love. I moved from down south up north and this was the first time I had dating an non-american. And at first site I fell in love with him. I looked the way he carried himself. Confident just leaped off of him. He is aggressive with getting my attention and demanded to keep it. He had been in the states for a year prior to us meeting on a tourist visa and he came here after his wife had died to get "away from it". I have seen her death certificate so I can tell that wasn't a lie. He was sweet, caring and charming and loved to make love to me. He told me that I wasn't like the other american ladies. I was classy and independent and respectful. Which I am, I was raised that way with southern charm to boot. Then we got married and everything changed. All of a sudden he wanted to sleep in the other room so he could be "free". Mindful that we lived together for a month before I said I DO and whenever I was ready to go to bed he was right there with me. First, the bed was too small, he likes to toss and turn and didn't want to disturb me. When I started to question it turned into an issue with his back, then it was he just like sleeping alone. And this was the sleeping arrangements with his late wife. Then it came to the lack of sex. Before it was 2 or 3 times a week. Now i'm lucky if i get it once a week and i have to be the one that ask for it. Then i have to deal with a look of distress on his face or have him stray me with cologne because he claims that i "smell". But if he wants sex then he expects me to jump for joy. Mindful it has only been a month in the marriage. Now everything i do is wrong, even down to the way i talk, walk, dress and even shower. Yet his conversation is all about his green card. I have a feeling that that is what he is after after all. I keep bringing it up and he keeps denying it. In the state that i'm in i can't get an annulment just because I don't like his "personality" and I'm not the type of woman that refuse to "help" my husband as long as he is my husband. He doesn't work now and he is itching to work. He hates staying at home all day doing nothing and he hates not being able to be the "bread" winner in the family. He says that a lot and i'm thinking that maybe that is the issue with him and his attitude. As if he resents me for being a successful and independent women yet at the same time he has no problem with me buying things for him. Bottom line it's too early into the marriage to know what really is going on but I do know that eventually everything will come to light. If he is in this just to get a green card I won't be like most women and put the "man" on him. He can have his green card and stay in the states. It's not a perfect country but it has its benefits. I can see the attraction of it. Yet I'm not wasting years of my life over it. After just a month I have come to realize that I will stop trying to come to terms with his culture and his ways. I learnt to cook his food, trying to learn his language and customs. Everyone in his life treats me better. His friends, his family. They all are impressed with me and love to be around me yet he prefers to spend time away from me and hang out with his friends. I'm not trying to take his manhood away from him yet he makes it hard to be a woman because of all the negativity. Since I haven't even turned in the paperwork for the green card yet I can't stay that he "changed" after getting what he wanted and if a green card is all he wanted he would have waited until after it was all said and done to "change". But this man changed the day of the wedding. THAT VERY SAME DAY. As if "I got you now" type of thing. And he did warn me ahead of the marriage. That no matter what, whether I like being married to him or not, we weren't getting a divorce. We can sleep in separate rooms and not speak to each other but "we" were going to be married until one of us dies. That's a pretty big pill to shallow now that i know what marriage to him is. It's totally different from dating. I can't say all Nigerian men are like this because like i said before he is the first Nigerian I've ever dated. But i can say that every man I've been with has a controlling, "I got you now" issue when it comes to me. And every one, including this one if things don't change, find out that they only "got me" as long as they do what is necessary to keep me. Yet I have to admit, the one lesson I'm learning from this marriage, like I've learned lessons from my previous ones, are things i will not tolerate. I used to believe in the fairy tale, prince charming, happily ever after. Even after 2 failed marriages. But this Nigerian man has killed that notion within me. I can be submissive but i can't tolerate disrespect. And whenever I bring it up he's favorite lines are "it doesn't matter" or "you just nagging" or "that's not what i mean". I've not writing this for advice or to make a point or to down any type of relationship. Just to stay to all those I've read on this post...it's not you that has the problem is is them...that you are worthy of being respected and if you are not respected just give yourself time and a way out will be made clear. That all relationships are a struggle at times unless you are in relationship with yourself (even that one can be a struggle) and if it turned out that you were used for their gain then wish them the best and learn the signs so the next one you don't fall for. After a month I have just stopped talking the my husband. One word answers to his questions. And living my life until the way to a single life can be accomplished.