₦airaland Forum

TEACHER: Akpos expand the bracket...
x(a b)=y
AKPOS: x(a b)=y
x ( a b ) = y
x ( a b ) = y
x ( a b ) = y
TEACHER: Akpos what the hell are doing??
AKPOS: I'm expanding the bracket for you.

Akpos was sent to deliver a chicken in Lagos. On his way a careless okada made him to fall. The chicken immediately ran off. When Akpos saw the chicken running away, he started laughing. When asked why he was laughing, he said "see this Mumu chicken, where does she know in Lagos when the address is with me?"

A man was driving down the street, and he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking space. Looking up towards the Heaven, he said, "Lord, have pity on me. If you find me a parking space, I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking."

Miraculously, a parking space appeared. The man looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."

A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone for ambulance, but just as he's dialling, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Fred is hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The man slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, covering on the closet floor. "You idiot!" the man says, "My wife is having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

Two men planned to run away from the psychiatric hospital. They started planning and agreed that they will go to the gate, beat up the watchman, open the gate and run away.

When they reached the gate, the watchman was not there and the gate was wide open. They turned to each other and said "shit! our plan has failed, lets go back, we will try again tomorrow."

When I got married, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home.

On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around mevigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.

When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not.

At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!!!" I fainted!

WIFE: I wrote your name on sand
it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my
heart & I got Heart Attack.

AKPOS: God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, He created Pepsi.
He saw me in darkness, He created light.
He saw me without problems, He created YOU.

WIFE:.. Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are ..
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.

AKPOS: The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you..?

WIFE: ...Roses are red; Violets are blue.
Monkeys like u should be kept in ZOO.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too...
Not in cage but laughing at YOU

WHO KILLED IT? The wife or the husband?

Apology Letter from a hospital to a Patient.

"Dear sir, we have good news! Lab results confirmed that red rashes around your p***s was not Cancer, it was lipstick, we apologize for cutting it off"

Women talk too much. That's why men have developed a superpower called SELECTIVE HEARING.

EXAMPLE:
When a woman says:
"This house is a mess, Honey
You and I need to clean this,
Your stuff is all on the floor,
You will be without clothes
If u don't wash them
NOW."

Men only hear:
"bla, bla, bla, HONEY
YOU AND I, bla, bla, bla
bla, bla, bla, ON THE FLOOR
bla, bla, bla, WITHOUT CLOTHES
bla, bla, bla, NOW!

*Now read without the "bla"*

One day, Musa was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow.

The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out. The vet charged the Musa 2,000 naira, and the Musa went home happy.

About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time Musa figured he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his friend Akpos, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt. Musa put his lips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked Akpos to give it a try. Akpos removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow.

"What are you doing?" asked Musa, horrified.

"Look at you, you think I'll use the side that you've put in your mouth."

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish.

The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"

The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"

The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Go ahead!"

Akpos went to an electronic store, he asked the storekeeper "what is the price of this TV?" The storekeeper answered "we don't sell our products to Akpos."

Akpos again came next day by cutting his beard and asked "what is the price of this TV?" The storekeeper replied "we don't sell our products to Akpos".

The next day Akpos came with a different face and asked "what is the price of this TV?" The shopkeeper replied "we don't sell our products to Akpos."

Finally Akpos got irritated and asked the shopkeeper "how do you recognise me every time?" The storekeeper replied "because this is not a TV it is Microwave Oven!"

Three Pastors met and agreed to sincerely tell each other their problems which must be kept as a secret between the three of them.
The First Pastor Said: My problem is money I do steal even from the church offerings please pray for me.

The Second Pastor Said: Mine is women, whenever I see any woman my desire will be to go bed with her. In fact I have slept with most of my female church members.

Turning to the Third Pastor to hear his problem he started crying. It took his friends some effort to calm him. When they asked Him to continue he was still crying, He said "My problem is GOSSIPING when we leave this place everybody will hear all what the two of you have just told me? Please Pray For me."

The Two Pastors Fainted!

A driver was driving his boss to airport, the boss realized that he forgot an important document at home, so he went back home.

His wife was bathing with a soap on her face, he tip-toed and touches her boobs, the wife responded, "you've dropped my stupid husband so fast? Don't rush we have the whole weekend to spend together, I'm praying that the plane crashes so that I can enjoy you till the end of my life!"

She notice the person was quiet, she washed her face and saw her husband standing in front of her.

IF YOU WERE THE HUSBAND/WIFE WHAT WILL YOU DO?

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure.

She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.

He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked the rock up, walked over to the window and threw the rock out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end.

Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the rock.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

TEACHER: There will be an elementary science test next week.

Contrary to his nature, Akpos reads his book from cover to cover like no man's business.

On test day, teacher lines up about 5 birds, covering each with a piece of cloth so only their legs are visible.

QUESTION 1: Looking at the leg of a bird write down its common name, species, family, zoological name, habitat etc.

After about 20 mins of frustration and not writing down anything, Akpos storms to the teacher's desk and slams his blank sheet in front of the teacher.

AKPOS: Sir, this test makes no sense! I am going home!
TEACHER: What a rude boy! Come back here. What is your name?

Akpos raises his trouser and points to his leg "Oya, you too, look at my leg and tell me my name, my surname, my house address, what tribe I come from...."