₦airaland Forum

Magnificenttop:
Oh. Really.
Interesting. Very interesting and very sad, actually.
Everything is being engineered to destroy everyone.
This ain’t good times. Or perhaps no time has ever been good, except it now got very bad.
If saying a little bit more like this, in addition to the previous can make everything this apparent, you know a lot more than you say here, all aspects, all that happened and you were in there, throughout. I won't want to believe you wouldn't somehow have adequate understanding of what actually went wrong. But if not, the dots are all there to connect - the ones you said, a lot more you didn’t say here.

@Proposal/ring. Now you've given a clearer story. Cool.
Still though, maybe I've already understood enough from all your previous posts that new details like this may not actually change a lot about some things I said.
My judgement wasn't based on the context of some few lines alone, but the summation of everything - your whole story, traits, tendencies and all others.
Moreover, GenZ influence isn't about you in particular, everybody is affected. We're all in it.
So, this isn't about you alone, it's about all of us.
For everything I talked about, I never at any time stopped putting a kind of caveat/reaffirmation everywhere possible to show you I understand he was the one at fault.
For example about your male friends, I acknowledged he had severe trust issues, was paranoid and irrational.
I know that and I never stopped saying such everywhere necessary, over and over again.
I always made my position very clear. In this particular example, what I said in addition was only to give the necessary balance. Because even in a very normal marriage, one would still have to be careful with friends of the other sx. Usually, a partner, man or woman won’t be fully comfortable when you roll too much with the other sex. Some couples may accept it if they have no other choice doesn’t mean they’re totally comfortable with it.
Your dad's example too - (Again: I know you said your hubby was petty and immature with his approaches, so his is a different situation. I know this)
Your dad is a perfect example of a mature man. Some other men are also mature too, yet would act differently. There's no single type of maturity. Personality, upbringing, behaviours and all, can not always be the same. If you don’t agree, it’s ok.
Generally, going through this your reply and my previous screenshots/replies. I think everything has been well addressed. Doesn't mean previous replies were totally perfect or right but maybe they've adequately addressed things, so that it isn’t necessary to say too much again.
I know they're lots and lots of text. You may not be able to read it once, and may not be able to digest it once. Might unfold in bits. Might not be able to fully understand or appropriate everything now. You might understand others better with time, experience and events.
So, if everything I said doesn't make sense immediately, no problem. I understand.
Just like your guy would say, "it's a process". Lol.
Also note that we all have our areas to work on and where to make adjustments. It applies to everybody, not just you alone.
Concerning all other things you/I/we talked about, they mostly fit together. Even when you give more details, they usually corroborate what I said before.

Regarding compatibility and marrying someone with the same energy.
All kinds of people and personality combinations have married each other in this world yet that does not guarantee anything. Marriage challenges are multidimensional and almost endless. Nothing really guarantees nothing.
In marriage, the right/wrong partner is simply the right/wrong partner, regardless of having the same energy or different energy or quiet or outgoing or calm or caring or any other.
One cannot keep jumping from one random assumption to another.

We all have our expectations, outlook, opinions and all that influenced them. They may be right or wrong.
Generally in life, we only know very little and are not that wise. That calls for the open-mindedness to learn, keep learning and becoming wiser.

@Your work/field trips and other things you said about yourself. The selfcontrol in the midst of pressure, your abilities, values and all others. They only reaffirmed my heart and instinct about you from the beginning were not wrong - you're special. Your situation is also touching. And giving all these replies to you isn't a waste of time. You actually deserve all the time, effort and concern.

Let me explain what is happening here to you.
When I came across your thread, almost all the time, I would've read it and moved on because such a situation happened yesterday and is definitely going to happen tomorrow too. Sht happens everyday and all the time, who cares.
But rarely if i'd reply at all, I should have done any of these:
Like some guys in the comment, I could have castigated you unfairly, supported your hubby blindly and left.
Or I could've told you that's his personality bla bla, learn how to adjust and manage him.
Or like your fellow females would typically do, I could’ve supported you, castigated your hubby, told you only the things you want to hear, tell you to trash him, move on and enjoy your life, then exit the thread.
Or like some others, I could've sat on the wall, told you marriage would always have its issue, both of you are meant to adjust and work things out bla bla bla.
What I've been doing here is different. While 100% I'm on your side, encouraging you and faulting him. While also telling you some areas you could work on. While also considering the possibility of things still getting resolved. While at the same time looking at your mental health, freedom, dreams, happiness and the need to be free from a narcissist union. While also looking at loneliness and pressures. While also looking at the possible ways forward. While also looking at these options in view of your belief, religious stand, past discipline and all your sacrifices. While also looking at all the other things involved.
So, I've been looking at the situation from all sides and aspects so that you won't do something worse, regrettable or tragic. So that only the best step and best thing would happen next.
I know you. You've disciplined yourself all your past, waiting for the right time and man. You wanted a happy home. Your plan wasn't bitterness, wasn't separation, wasn’t divorce, wasn't remarrying. You never wanted a messy or rough life. You've always wanted the exact and perfectly right kind of life.
So, I have not just been putting time and effort into reply, I've actually been putting myself in this difficult situation, together with you.
Right now, I know what you wanted but only you know what you want. Then I never had any stand about this, I only saw your stand and wanted the best for you. I still want the best for you, whatever your stand would be isn’t any of my business.
Back in the days, things like this were a lot of challenge. These days, it's no longer a big deal. Societies have evolved and there are different ways to find the light at the end of the tunnel.
Perhaps you’re already finding how to cope somehow or already figured out the way forward. What matters is you’re getting the best you deserve in life and that is my own relief too.
All that happened and where this might be heading to seems a bit clearer. That is why it looks unnecessary if I keep saying too much again.
You deserve all the time, heart, concern and effort that went into the discussion and you’re always deserving if there’s any need for such again.
Cheers.

Thank you so much 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾

Thank you so much for your time, honesty, and genuine concern. I really appreciate the balanced perspective and the effort you’ve put into helping me see things from different angles. I’m truly grateful for your thoughtfulness and for wanting the best for me. God bless you.

Magnificenttop:
Oh. Really.
Interesting. Very interesting and very sad, actually.
Everything is being engineered to destroy everyone.
This ain’t good times. Or perhaps no time has ever been good, except it now got very bad.
If saying a little bit more like this, in addition to the previous can make everything this apparent, you know a lot more than you say here, all aspects, all that happened and you were in there, throughout. I won't want to believe you wouldn't somehow have adequate understanding of what actually went wrong. But if not, the dots are all there to connect - the ones you said, a lot more you didn’t say here.

@Proposal/ring. Now you've given a clearer story. Cool.
Still though, maybe I've already understood enough from all your previous posts that new details like this may not actually change a lot about some things I said.
My judgement wasn't based on the context of some few lines alone, but the summation of everything - your whole story, traits, tendencies and all others.
Moreover, GenZ influence isn't about you in particular, everybody is affected. We're all in it.
So, this isn't about you alone, it's about all of us.
For everything I talked about, I never at any time stopped putting a kind of caveat/reaffirmation everywhere possible to show you I understand he was the one at fault.
For example about your male friends, I acknowledged he had severe trust issues, was paranoid and irrational.
I know that and I never stopped saying such everywhere necessary, over and over again.
I always made my position very clear. In this particular example, what I said in addition was only to give the necessary balance. Because even in a very normal marriage, one would still have to be careful with friends of the other sx. Usually, a partner, man or woman won’t be fully comfortable when you roll too much with the other sex. Some couples may accept it if they have no other choice doesn’t mean they’re totally comfortable with it.
Your dad's example too - (Again: I know you said your hubby was petty and immature with his approaches, so his is a different situation. I know this)
Your dad is a perfect example of a mature man. Some other men are also mature too, yet would act differently. There's no single type of maturity. Personality, upbringing, behaviours and all, can not always be the same. If you don’t agree, it’s ok.
Generally, going through this your reply and my previous screenshots/replies. I think everything has been well addressed. Doesn't mean previous replies were totally perfect or right but maybe they've adequately addressed things, so that it isn’t necessary to say too much again.
I know they're lots and lots of text. You may not be able to read it once, and may not be able to digest it once. Might unfold in bits. Might not be able to fully understand or appropriate everything now. You might understand others better with time, experience and events.
So, if everything I said doesn't make sense immediately, no problem. I understand.
Just like your guy would say, "it's a process". Lol.
Also note that we all have our areas to work on and where to make adjustments. It applies to everybody, not just you alone.
Concerning all other things you/I/we talked about, they mostly fit together. Even when you give more details, they usually corroborate what I said before.

Regarding compatibility and marrying someone with the same energy.
All kinds of people and personality combinations have married each other in this world yet that does not guarantee anything. Marriage challenges are multidimensional and almost endless. Nothing really guarantees nothing.
In marriage, the right/wrong partner is simply the right/wrong partner, regardless of having the same energy or different energy or quiet or outgoing or calm or caring or any other.
One cannot keep jumping from one random assumption to another.

We all have our expectations, outlook, opinions and all that influenced them. They may be right or wrong.
Generally in life, we only know very little and are not that wise. That calls for the open-mindedness to learn, keep learning and becoming wiser.

@Your work/field trips and other things you said about yourself. The selfcontrol in the midst of pressure, your abilities, values and all others. They only reaffirmed my heart and instinct about you from the beginning were not wrong - you're special. Your situation is also touching. And giving all these replies to you isn't a waste of time. You actually deserve all the time, effort and concern.

Let me explain what is happening here to you.
When I came across your thread, almost all the time, I would've read it and moved on because such a situation happened yesterday and is definitely going to happen tomorrow too. Sht happens everyday and all the time, who cares.
But rarely if i'd reply at all, I should have done any of these:
Like some guys in the comment, I could have castigated you unfairly, supported your hubby blindly and left.
Or I could've told you that's his personality bla bla, learn how to adjust and manage him.
Or like your fellow females would typically do, I could’ve supported you, castigated your hubby, told you only the things you want to hear, tell you to trash him, move on and enjoy your life, then exit the thread.
Or like some others, I could've sat on the wall, told you marriage would always have its issue, both of you are meant to adjust and work things out bla bla bla.
What I've been doing here is different. While 100% I'm on your side, encouraging you and faulting him. While also telling you some areas you could work on. While also considering the possibility of things still getting resolved. While at the same time looking at your mental health, freedom, dreams, happiness and the need to be free from a narcissist union. While also looking at loneliness and pressures. While also looking at the possible ways forward. While also looking at these options in view of your belief, religious stand, past discipline and all your sacrifices. While also looking at all the other things involved.
So, I've been looking at the situation from all sides and aspects so that you won't do something worse, regrettable or tragic. So that only the best step and best thing would happen next.
I know you. You've disciplined yourself all your past, waiting for the right time and man. You wanted a happy home. Your plan wasn't bitterness, wasn't separation, wasn’t divorce, wasn't remarrying. You never wanted a messy or rough life. You've always wanted the exact and perfectly right kind of life.
So, I have not just been putting time and effort into reply, I've actually been putting myself in this difficult situation, together with you.
Right now, I know what you wanted but only you know what you want. Then I never had any stand about this, I only saw your stand and wanted the best for you. I still want the best for you, whatever your stand would be isn’t any of my business.
Back in the days, things like this were a lot of challenge. These days, it's no longer a big deal. Societies have evolved and there are different ways to find the light at the end of the tunnel.
Perhaps you’re already finding how to cope somehow or already figured out the way forward. What matters is you’re getting the best you deserve in life and that is my own relief too.
All that happened and where this might be heading to seems a bit clearer. That is why it looks unnecessary if I keep saying too much again.
You deserve all the time, heart, concern and effort that went into the discussion and you’re always deserving if there’s any need for such again.
Cheers.

Double0h7:
Sis, you married the wrong man for you, and you’re neither the first nor the last woman to find herself in this situation. Please don’t let shame or regret consume you. What matters now is what you choose to do moving forward.

From everything you’ve shared, I honestly believe this man saw marriage as a means to an end. He wanted to travel abroad, and you became his ticket. His treatment of you does not sound like that of a man who genuinely loves, values, or respects his wife. Yet you found yourself enduring so much and accepting the bare minimum, hoping things would eventually change.

Sis, you don’t have to keep replaying everything in your mind, searching for answers or wondering what you could have done differently. And please, if he comes back, think very carefully before allowing him back into your life. You deserve so much more than a relationship that leaves you feeling unwanted, unloved, and emotionally broken.

Please invest in yourself now. Seek therapy to help you process the hurt and trauma, explore your childcare options, and start building a beautiful, fulfilling life for yourself and your daughter.

I don’t think you necessarily miss him as much as you miss what you hoped he would give you: stability, companionship, a family, and a future. Those are completely understandable things to long for. But you can build a stable, loving, and peaceful life for yourself and your daughter without having to depend on a man who has repeatedly hurt you.

Remember this: a healthy, loving relationship should not require you to suffer just to feel chosen. A man’s love should be reflected in his actions, his consistency, his respect, and the way he treats you, especially when things get difficult. You should not have to beg for the bare minimum or convince someone to treat you with kindness.

Let go and let God. 🙏🏽 Give yourself permission to grieve the future you imagined, accept the reality of the relationship you experienced, and begin the process of moving forward.

And Sis, please take seriously the fact that he disappeared without resolving the marriage. I can’t know his intentions for certain, but you need to protect yourself rather than remain on standby, waiting for him to decide when he wants to be part of your life again. You cannot afford to put your life on hold while he comes and goes on his own terms.

If divorce is what you want, seek independent legal advice about your options, your rights, and the financial implications before making any decisions. Don’t let fear of the unknown keep you trapped in limbo.

Sis, you are not powerless, and your life is not over. You still have the opportunity to heal, rediscover yourself, and create a peaceful home where you and your daughter can thrive. You don’t have to keep sacrificing your happiness to save a marriage that is hurting you.

You deserve peace. Your daughter deserves to see you happy and whole. And you deserve a future that is not defined by this man.

Girl, protect your heart, protect your peace, and start choosing YOU. ❤️

Thank you so so much
I appreciate
I hear all you say
Would read this often
God bless you so much

Thanks so much. Wow, this was a detailed response that was cut down. I don't know why, but I was able to go through the picture, and I saw your analysis. I was just laughing at some parts. I think that, to some extent, I feel like you're able to sieve through the noise. Did you study psychology? Not necessarily that you're 100% accurate, but one thing I see is that you're able to sieve through the noise and try to figure out the personalities involved.

With regards to the romantic proposal ring, while it's Gen Z, I think what I was trying to say is that it shows that he's not ready to put effort into anything. I'm not talking about the drama or the beauty of the proposal. I'm talking about the fact that it takes effort. So maybe that already shows that this person cannot stress himself to put in any effort for me, the marriage, or my happiness. It's more like, "I don't give a care or a Bleep about it." That's what I meant.

Of course, like I said, his financial situation was lower than mine when we were dating, although he always got me mangoes. I'm not sure if it was the mangoes that attracted me! By the way I love mangoes. Lol. But to be honest, I wasn't looking at his financial situation. Like I said, I just saw a churchy guy, one I felt was calm, and I felt okay. I thought he was calmer than me. That was another thing I liked about him, until I realized, "Oh boy, I'm calmer than him!

That realization was sad for me because I always wanted a mature guy who, if I ever behave like a woman, even if I wanted to nag, would be able to stay in control, just as I gave you the example of what my dad would do. He would either walk away or, even if he couldn't walk away because he was in a car, he would just turn up the music. I used to think that was a sign of weakness until I realized that it was actually a sign of strength, to be honest, because it helps prevent issues from escalating.

With regards to male friends, I don't know how I handled that, though. As an engineer, everybody I know is a man. In my last job, I was working with five guys, i travelled with these guys to different countries, including neighbouring West African countries, and I worked with them and came back, yet I still kept myself.

I knew all the gist. Maybe that's why my feelings or sexual desire heightened. I knew about guys taking women to hotel rooms for just one hour to do stuff, but I chose not to mess up. Not because of anything else, but because I was very scared of HIV and also had the fear of God.

So it was just very easy for me. There was a lot I knew, and I had been looking forward to doing some of these things when I got married, you get? The same thing applied to where I was working and where I was at that point when I married him. I was basically working with guys because I was in an engineering field. I also studied engineering with only two girls in my class so what did he expect ? Can you tell a male nurse not to have female friends? You are wasting your time saying that it would almost be impossible.

It's just something that has flowed seamlessly for me because of my career path and I won’t stop walking because I marry. Before God and man, he never doubted that I had kept myself while we were dating or he never told me he did. I don't know whether, when we got married, he just wanted to use it to get at me because of all the tension and resentment all. Anyway, that's all I can say. Maybe he was just a bitter person, or maybe he meant what he said. Who even knows? Only he knows.

The more I try to rack my head around it, the more it doesn't make sense.

I feel that any man who thinks a woman cannot be around men without cheating needs to understand that it's not necessarily the case. I gave you the example of Ibukun Awosika. Most of the board meetings she attended were with men. I see myself, by God's grace, becoming that type of woman. I don't know yet, but I can see that possibility.

She has said in her videos that she would sometimes bring her male colleagues or board members, to her home , maybe arrange small lunch because she couldn't go out overnight to a club to see what the men were doing. Her husband was mature enough to understand that his wife would not cheat on him.and she would introduce them to him and all. She simply had the drive of a man, which placed her in spaces dominated by men.

My husband knew this about me from the time I told him while we were dating, and he said it was no problem. I even told him that I didn't want to run alone because it was very boring. I wanted us to do it together. I didn't want a situation where only the wife's name would be out there. He said, "No wahala." But looking back, I feel he was just saying all those things.

Yeah, I think I have strong affections and emotions, to be honest, especially emotions, and I'm trying to regulate them because, number one, nobody deserves all that energy, even when it comes to love. I'm sorry, but maybe I've reached the point where I've become bitter.

It's something you invest so much in because you want it to work. If I didn't care so much about whether he was involved or whether he was even insulting me or saying distasteful things about me, I wouldn't have been so affected. If my emotional strength were strong enough, I wouldn't care. I'd just hear it and not respond or walk away any time he says rubbish and that way he knows he wld be shut up (possessing a firm boundary when he begins his hateful speech) That way, I wouldn't give him the opportunity to keep saying more.

I feel like the energy I gave back, by reacting, encouraged him. If I were emotionally strong, I wouldn't encourage it. He would know it was a no-go area because I wouldn't even entertain the conversation. But that still doesn’t make it a health marriage or dynamics either.

And trust me, I told you I'm in therapy, right? I'm trying to develop what do we call it now? Strong emotions? Tough skin? I think that's the word I'm looking for. I'm trying to build that kind of emotional strength.

Of course, in a loving environment, you shouldn't have to have tough skin with your partner. But life will always happen. Even the person you love the most will sometimes do things that annoy you or say things that hurt you.

So I want to develop tough skin, where not everything penetrates me or gets to me, especially when someone's behaviour doesn't feel right or good.

With regards to my energy and drive, I don't feel that it shows, though. But I feel that, in essence, what I've learned from this experience is that I needed to have married a driven person not someone with potential because I feel like I might be a little bit above the normal level of driven (but I haven’t achieved anything so why would I even think so) because few people have ended up telling me that. To me, it feels normal, but trust me, I feel I do the just normal things / bare minimum people do.Well, I just know that I like to try things.

For example, there was a programme I was attending somewhere, and I had to figure out how to access it remotely from another country. I worked it out. There was also a time when I had a Mac laptop but needed Windows. I researched how to install Windows on the Mac laptop and figured it out.

With the programme I'm telling you about, I was able to finish it. I'm also someone who can have an exam tomorrow, go through the material today without even fully understanding the topic, and still write the exam and pass. I don't know if you'd call that extra energy, but to me, it's normal. I wld build an algorithm to carry out processes from me even from ChatGPT without knowing programming.

I think the issue in this case is that I was with someone whose drive was also extremely low. Maybe doing all those things around him built up his insecurity, and that's why he tried to bring issues na Instability that will reduce my focus or limit the support system that would help me grow.

I'm simply someone who would have wanted a partner who trusted me. I had even begged him to let me work towards making more female friends outside my career. I begged for time to meet people. That's how much I was willing to compromise and be transparent.

In Nigeria, things aren't as difficult financially as they are here. You're not necessarily worrying about monthly rent and all the expenses here. Maybe even if he wasn't serious about his career, I wouldn't have cared as much because whatever job I was managing at the time would probably have been enough to pay the rent. I wouldn't have been as worried as I am here, where your money can finish quickly.

To be honest, I don't know if we shld hv even married in the first place. Now even, There's just too much bad blood. our parents, his own side, where they never even bothered to follow up or check on a new baby? How does a parent acknowledge such irresponsibility to their child they entrusted to you as a man even if you didn’t get papers? Is that your goal or is a child not more than that?

It’s just a lot. Thanks for the snapshot. Would want to hear your view on the divorce etc
Thanks much

Person wey use malice injure my destiny. Frank edoho’s brother 😁. Kings of malice plenty o. I don dey near one year malice / does he look like he gives a Bleep….Isn’t God faithful 💃💃💃

Truth is I hv mourned him and my one year mourning and depression can’t go to waste, you know who we mourn ? ……
I refuse to be quoted.

It only pain me that I did not just simply go and find sperm donor if o knew we won’t be thee for each other. The heart ache was needless. So many people doing it here. Even Nigerian ladies. I know one in my community.

Magnificenttop:
I gave a reply to you but found out one of the goofy bots took it down for no good reason.
Dunno if you were able to catch it before it got taken down?

No I didn’t

Honestly, I really appreciate you taking the time to go through my story and offer such a detailed response. I can tell that you took your time not just to read what I wrote but also to analyse the different aspects of the situation psychologically. I am genuinely grateful, and I don't take your response casually.

When I gave some additional explanations, it was mainly because I felt some things might have been interpreted as absolute, such as my saying that he had no friends at all. I was simply trying to provide more perspective, not to dismiss your analysis or the points you raised.

I also appreciate your advice, particularly the reminder not to allow this experience to weigh me down or derail my drive in life. I want to keep working hard, take care of my daughter, grow as a person and move forward. I also understand your point about not placing too much importance on sexual pleasure or allowing the disappointment of what happened to push me into making decisions that could ultimately hurt me. I pray for God's grace to remain disciplined and focused on what truly matters.

Regarding my own flaws, I understand that I am not perfect. There may have been times when I overdid certain things, perhaps because I am naturally open, expressive and comfortable joking around. I can also see how some arguments might not have been worth prolonging. Sometimes, choosing peace is more important than proving a point or explaining yourself unnecessarily. I am working on myself in that regard, including through therapy, because I genuinely want to become emotionally healthier and wiser in how I handle relationships.

As for him, I do sometimes wonder whether there is something deeper behind some of his behaviours, and I have wondered whether he might have narcissistic traits. However, I could also be wrong, and I know that I cannot diagnose him. Perhaps the environment and the circumstances we found ourselves in brought out certain things in both of us. What I know for sure is that we struggled to enjoy each other's personalities and build the kind of relationship I had hoped for. I sometimes wonder whether things might have been easier if we had been in Nigeria, but I cannot say that with certainty either.

I am still trying to understand some aspects of our relationship, including the issue of sexual intimacy, because I honestly do not have much experience to draw from. But I appreciate your perspective and the fact that you took the time to explain what you meant.

With regards to being able to marry again, what would my position be from a Christian perspective? If there might be no need to actually process a divorce because of abandonment, would I be able to remarry in the future, or would that amount to bigamy? There is a passage in the Bible that says if an unbelieving spouse abandons you, you are not bound. Does that mean I am free to move on and remarry? Do you think this is something I can start thinking about now (10 months after), or should I just focus on taking care of my daughter, pray for him if possible, and allow God to direct my future? To be honest, I don't even know if I want to return to the relationship, he is no where to be found sef..lol. I also worry that every other relationship will come with its own challenges and that I will have to learn to manage those too. Should I just focus on myself and my daughter for now, or could I eventually meet someone, date and perhaps remarry in years to come or so? What would you advise?

For example, he would tell me not to dance in the house. He became uncomfortable with my friendships with men, even though he had initially accepted that I was an engineer with male colleagues and friends. I had explained this to him from the beginning, and he had said he had no problem with it as long as he knew who my friends were.

Yet later, during counselling, he expressed that he did not want to see a man around me because, in his view, we were already married through our court wedding.

That was a significant change from what he had previously communicated. It made me feel that he had accepted certain aspects of my personality while we were dating but later wanted to restrict them once we were married.

There were other times when I felt I could not talk to him the way I talked to my friends. I remember telling him that I did not think I could communicate with him in the same way I communicated with them. I cannot remember the exact circumstances now, but I remember the feeling behind what I said.

He seemed very pious and holy, and I felt that there were things I could not comfortably discuss with him. When I raised concerns about this difference between us, he would downplay them or tell me I was misinterpreting the situation.

These were issues I was trying to raise before marriage because I thought they were serious. I was trying to understand whether we were compatible and whether we could communicate comfortably with each other.

I also want to clarify that I am not saying every description I have given of him is absolute. When I say he had few friends, I mean that I rarely saw him socialising or interacting with friends during the period I knew him. He may have had friends from secondary school or elsewhere whom he spoke to on the phone. He simply did not appear to have much of a social life from what I observed.

The house could feel like a graveyard sometimes. He did not watch much television, and there was little activity or social interaction. I would try to bring energy into the relationship by talking about things I enjoyed, but I often felt that the effort was not reciprocated.

Regarding his lack of drive, that was my reality. I knew he was not particularly ambitious when I married him, but I believed we could work together. He seemed enthusiastic when we talked about our future, and I assumed that enthusiasm would translate into action. I did not fully understand that someone could sound enthusiastic about building a life while not consistently putting in the work required to build it.

I also acknowledge that I had expectations about men because of the marriage I saw growing up. My father was a good husband to my mother. He supported her dreams and ambitions, and he was kind to her. Even when she reacted emotionally, he was generally more mature in how he handled the situation. Sometimes he would simply walk away rather than escalate the disagreement.

Perhaps I assumed that was how a husband should behave. Maybe that expectation was not always realistic, or perhaps I did not fully understand how to navigate a marriage in which both partners were emotionally immature in different ways.

I am not saying I was perfect. There were times when I reacted emotionally, questioned his decisions or told him that I did not like something he had done. I had my own shortcomings, and I can acknowledge them.

However, I also felt that I had married someone whose behaviour I did not know how to handle. I had expected a certain level of maturity and emotional stability, but instead, I often found myself dealing with defensiveness, suspicion and reactions that I could not understand.

I married him partly because he was quiet. I thought a quiet man would be less likely to bring unnecessary drama into my life. I knew he lacked drive, but I believed we could work together and grow. What I did not anticipate was how difficult it would be to reconcile his words with his actions and how much energy I would spend trying to understand his reactions.

This is also why I question whether he genuinely accepted me for who I was. He knew about my male friends and my personality before we married. He knew I was someone who enjoyed things, had ambitions and had a life outside the relationship. Yet, after marriage, I felt increasingly restricted.

It made me wonder whether he had genuinely accepted those aspects of me or whether he had simply agreed with them while dating because he wanted the relationship to progress.


My daughter is here, and he knows she exists. Whatever happened between him and me, or between him and my family, she is still his child. Why does it feel easier to just deny her and stay away and even suddenly bring issue of paternity test. He wasn’t even happy when I told him I was pregnant. I had to question him before he told me he was sorry he was sad I had gotten pregnant.

Is avoiding a difficult situation the same as taking responsibility? And if a man can walk away from his own child rather than make a reasonable effort to be involved in her life, is it unreasonable for me to question his character?

That is the context behind why I have described him the way I have. I am not claiming to be a perfect person, and I am not claiming to know everything that went on in his mind. I am explaining the behaviours I experienced, the patterns I observed, and why, looking back, I have come to question whether there were deeper issues involving insecurity, emotional immaturity, control and narcissistic tendencies.

You gave me so much advice at the end and I would screenshot them and heed to them on remembering to live righteous. Stay with peace joy and focus on my daughter.

I am also trying to be better and work on any part or way I may have contributed.

Thanks

## Part 1

Thank you so much for your response. I really appreciate the fact that it was detailed and that you actually went through my story fully to understand it. I also acknowledge that you have only seen my side of the story, and that's fine. As for the grammar, don't worry, Abe. Trust me, no worries.

To be honest, I think he was a very strange person, and that was one of the issues I had in my marriage. As much as you may or may not want to believe it, that was my experience. I think you may also be taking some of the words I used too literally. I would say you should take some of my descriptions at about 80% rather than interpreting everything as 100% absolute.

Yes, he was quiet and phlegmatic. Yes, I would say he was complacent, and yes, I considered him lazy in certain respects. However, as you rightly said, there are men like him who still get married and have children. Perhaps they find women who are more compatible with their personalities, perhaps their wives have similar levels of drive, or perhaps they simply allow their wives to pursue their ambitions without making it a problem.

Consider the case of Ibukun Awosika whose drive and ambition are greater than her husband's. From what I remember, her husband did not seem to have the same level of drive as she did, but he allowed her to pursue her ambitions. He understood that he might not be able to meet every expectation she had, so he did not restrict her from attending board meetings and doing the things that mattered to her. That was different from what I experienced in my marriage.

My husband and I had different energies, and I think that difference became a problem because he did not seem willing to accommodate mine.

Now, concerning how we got together, I have to explain something important. When we reconnected in 2023, I was preparing to travel abroad, and he was interested in the possibility of coming with me. In fact, he suggested that we get married without my parents knowing so that, once he arrived, he could start working abroad. I was the one who said no because my parents needed to know. I could not do that behind their backs.

Looking back, I realise that this should have raised a red flag for me. Why would a man suggest getting married secretly, primarily so that he could come to another country and start working? That suggested a certain level of desperation, or at least that coming abroad was a significant consideration for him.

However, I did not interpret it that way at the time because he had been asking me out since 2017 or 2018. I therefore believed there was genuine affection behind his interest in me. Although a lot had happened between us before we reconnected, I believed that the feelings from those earlier years were still there.

He had also mentioned another person who had processed immigration papers for their spouse before travelling. I told him I could not do that because it would delay my own plans, especially since we had only just reconnected. At the time, I did not fully appreciate how much his interest in the relationship might have been tied to his desire to come abroad. Maybe he genuinely liked me as well, but looking back, I cannot ignore those conversations.

He was still working remotely for a company in Nigeria, and I am not going to deny that. My issue was not simply whether he had a job. It was the overall pattern I experienced in our relationship.

I never really felt that we were working together as a team. Instead, it sometimes felt as though we were competing with each other. I was paying the rent and taking on responsibilities, but even something as ordinary as going shopping could become uncomfortable because he would get upset. I could not understand where his reactions were coming from. Sometimes I wondered whether he genuinely liked me as a person. And, to be honest, I was also becoming uncomfortable with his personality.

I could see from some of his prayer points that he wanted a wife. But wanting a wife is different from knowing how to keep a wife and build a marriage.

Regarding his work, most of the jobs I knew about seemed to last approximately a year before he left or was let go. I do not know why those jobs ended, and I cannot claim to know what his employers thought of him. However, looking back, I sometimes wonder whether his level of passivity might have contributed to those outcomes.

I remember raising the issue with him because I had noticed the pattern. I was not necessarily trying to look down on him. I wanted us to examine it and see whether there was something he needed to improve. But he reacted negatively. It seemed that he did not want to hear anything that could suggest there was a problem, even when I was raising it because I wanted us to be deliberate about our future.

I saw a similar pattern in his brother's household. His brother's wife was doing better professionally, and the last time I met her, she was complaining that her husband had remained in a low-level job despite having spent so many years abroad. Perhaps she had encouraged him to pursue better opportunities, but the situation appeared to reflect a similar lack of drive. I am not saying that every person who remains in a low-level job is lazy. I am simply explaining why I saw similarities in the situations.

Another thing that bothered me was the immigration process itself. I was the one taking responsibility for bringing him abroad, yet he would complain that he knew someone who had processed everything for their spouse from back home and wanted to know why I had not done the same for him. He seemed dissatisfied that our process would take a different route.

From my perspective, if he had been more proactive about getting established, he could have made progress towards being able to work within the first four months or so, depending on the applicable immigration requirements and processing times. I am not saying he should have received every document within four months. I am saying that I expected him to be actively working towards getting established rather than appearing so passive about the process.

Even after he arrived, there were things he said that made me uncomfortable. For example, when we were moving to a new house where we would have more privacy, I told him that a male friend had helped me pack my things. His immediate reaction was to ask whether the man had stayed indoors with me and to suggest that the man might want immigration papers from me.

I was confused. Why was that his first interpretation of someone helping me move? It made me wonder whether his mind was constantly going back to immigration papers and whether that was a more significant part of his interest in me than I had initially realised.

Again, I cannot say with certainty that he never loved me. But I had reasons to question his intentions, especially when I considered the things he said before coming abroad and the way he behaved afterwards.

Regarding his personality, he did not have many friends, at least from what I observed. Perhaps he had one or two friends from school or other places who lived elsewhere and with whom he spoke on the phone. However, while we were dating, he never introduced me to any of his friends. I rarely saw him interacting with friends, and he was not the sort of person I saw going out or socialising much.

He would watch football, but he did not generally engage in many other activities. I would come home and talk about celebrity gossip to involve him in my interests. It was not as though he regularly called me to watch football with him in the same way I tried to involve him in the things I enjoyed.

Ironically, he later used my interest in celebrity gossip against me. He referred to a video involving Jarama and her virginity and suggested that because she had provided such a video, I must have done something similar myself. That was the kind of suspicion and accusation I had to deal with.

He also attended church and prayed, which is why I referred to him as a church good boy. I was not saying that he did not pray or attend church. I was saying that those activities did not necessarily translate into the kind of character I expected to see in our marriage. I experienced bitterness, malice and other behaviours that did not align with what I thought our shared Christian values should produce.

I would suggest Bible study, for example, but he would say he could not read because of his eyes. I would then suggest that we open the Bible on the computer. Yet it often felt as though I had to initiate and organise everything. If I did not remember to do it, he would not remember either.

He also wanted us to pray at six in the morning, but he would often be dozing or sleeping around that time. I suggested that we choose a time when we were both awake and could participate properly. I was usually awake around midnight, whereas he would already be asleep, so I suggested that we find a time that suited both of us.

The issue was that it sometimes felt as though his preferred arrangement mattered more than actually achieving the purpose of praying together. Even when I suggested that he choose a time when we could both be awake, the situation did not improve. I felt that if something was not done his way, he would become offended.

Regarding sex, I understand that people have different sex drives. Perhaps his was lower than mine, but the problem was that we never had the kind of in-depth communication that would have helped me understand what was happening.

I am not saying that a man must have the same sex drive as his wife. I am saying that, from what he communicated while we were dating, I had reason to believe that he desired the same kind of sexual intimacy I looked forward to in marriage.

I have always had a good sex drive. As a Christian, I had restrained myself because I wanted to wait until marriage, and I genuinely looked forward to being able to express that part of myself within marriage. I am not going to pretend otherwise. I had read romance novels, and I had learned about sex from conversations and experiences around me, even from secondary school. I looked forward to exploring that intimacy with my husband.

While we were dating, around 2023, he also made comments about us sleeping on each other in the kitchen and in different places. He was not presenting himself as someone who had no interest in sex. So when we eventually got married and things did not reflect what he had communicated, I was confused.

Did he say those things simply to sound interesting? Was he presenting a version of himself that was different from who he really was? Was something else going on? I could not understand it because he did not communicate openly enough for me to know.

That is why I do not think the sexual issue can simply be dismissed as a difference in sex drive. The lack of communication, the anger and the emotional atmosphere in the marriage also mattered.

## Part 2

Now, concerning his lack of ambition, I want to explain what I mean when I say he was complacent or lazy. I am not saying that every quiet person is lazy or that everyone must want to drive a big car or live an extravagant lifestyle.

He himself would say that he was not looking to drive a big car, so he did not see the need to work particularly hard. He would also refer to a prominent pastor in Nigeria who supposedly slept for only three or four hours a day and say that nobody could function on so little sleep. He would question what people were even looking for in life and why they needed to pursue so much.

My point is that he did not seem to have much that pushed him to do better. He was comfortable with a certain level of living, and that was fine in itself. The problem was that I wanted us to build a life together, and I did not feel that he had the same willingness to put in the work.

Looking back, I sometimes wonder whether he had some form of ADHD or another issue that affected his motivation, organisation or ability to follow through. I do not know, and I am not diagnosing him. I am simply trying to make sense of the pattern I experienced. I wondered why someone could see opportunities to improve their life and consistently respond as though there was no reason to pursue them.

As I explained earlier, the jobs I knew about generally lasted around a year. I do not know why they ended, and I cannot say that his employers considered him incompetent. However, I noticed the pattern and once raised it with him because I thought it was something we could examine together.

He reacted badly. I was not trying to humiliate him. I was trying to understand why this kept happening and whether there was something he needed to address. But he did not seem willing to consider that possibility.

I also want to clarify the timeline. He had been asking me out since 2017, but I did not agree to date him until 2023, when he came back into my life and knew I had obtained my papers and could potentially sponsor him. That context matters because it was during that reconnection that the question of coming abroad became so prominent.

I had already explained his suggestion that we marry without my parents knowing so that he could come abroad and work. I had also explained that he kept comparing our situation with someone else's, saying that another person had processed everything for their spouse from Nigeria before travelling.

Even after he arrived, his comments continued to make me uncomfortable. For example, when I told him that a male friend had helped me pack my belongings for the move, he immediately wanted to know whether the man had stayed indoors with me and suggested that the man might want papers from me.

I found that reaction strange. Rather than simply accepting that someone had helped me with a practical task, he immediately interpreted the situation through suspicion and immigration-related motives. It made me question what was going on in his mind and whether his own interest in coming abroad was influencing the way he viewed other people's intentions.

Now, regarding the so-called tantrums, I think it is important to explain that many of the situations I experienced were not initiated by me. I know you referred to some of my behaviour as emotional or immature, and I acknowledge that I was not perfect. However, many of the conflicts I remember involved his reactions to ordinary situations.

For example, while we were preparing for our white wedding, some people were helping us with the arrangements. He asked what we were discussing, and I said we were talking about decorations. The conversation then moved to practical questions about whether his shoes and suit were ready and where we would stay.

These were ordinary wedding-planning questions. However, he seemed to interpret them as an attack. He became defensive and said that he did not even know where his wife would stay or where I would stay.

Another woman present tried to intervene and encouraged him to allow the conversation to continue. Instead, he interpreted her response as another attack and began asking whether she had a problem with him, repeatedly telling people to let him talk.

I am explaining this because I felt that he frequently misinterpreted ordinary conversations as situations in which people were attacking him or trying to undermine him.

There were also smaller incidents at home. Sometimes I would be sitting with my laptop, doing something entirely ordinary, such as opening another tab or working on something. When he entered the room, he might react as though my movements meant I was doing something wrong or talking to someone I should not be talking to.

I could not understand why something as ordinary as using my laptop would trigger that kind of suspicion. It made me feel as though I was constantly being watched or that I had to explain myself even when I had done nothing wrong.

The same thing happened when we went shopping. Even the way I looked at a biscuit or another product could become an issue. Eventually, I stopped going shopping in person as much and began ordering things online because the experience had become so uncomfortable.

When I eventually told him that the situation was toxic, something changed. After that conversation, he stopped doing some of those things and began behaving more normally in those situations. That is another reason I found the earlier behaviour so confusing. It suggested that at least some of it could change when it was directly addressed.

I cannot tell you exactly why he behaved that way. Perhaps it was insecurity, jealousy, low self-esteem or something else. But I experienced a pattern in which ordinary things could become sources of suspicion and conflict, and it affected my peace of mind.

This is why I have described him as having narcissistic tendencies. I am not claiming that I can clinically diagnose him, but I think some of the behaviours I experienced are worth examining in the context of narcissism, particularly the persistent suspicion, the need to control aspects of my life, and the way my ordinary activities sometimes became problems.

I also felt that he did not want me to enjoy things freely unless he was comfortable with them. It sometimes seemed as though if he was not the one making me happy, I was not supposed to find happiness elsewhere. I do not know whether this was deliberate or even conscious, but that was how the relationship sometimes felt to me.

No response or anything. Hasn’t acknowledge the child and don’t know his where about. Just here loving my baby, rebuilding my life.

Sorry for the long write up

U kuku warn me that time oooo. I felt i should make the marriage work, maybe I am too stubborn, may be if I become more respectfu, talk to less people etc etc.
The more I stayed the more wonders I saw
May I not loose my life in the process.
Na so I become a single mother ooo….me wey do good girl all my life. I can’t get to wrap my head around it. It’s so sad. I have struggled to accept it. Still struggling but I must move on.
Oga still deny pikin ontop😂😂. Kai I don’t even have energy.

Kobojunkie:
1. You attempted baby-trapping a man who literally showed you by all metrics that not only did he not value you, but he cared nothing for whatever you could give him, and that failed. Now you are stuck with a daughter you have to raise on your own, but you are still thinking of clinging to this same man who probably loathes you and your daughter at this point. Why are you doing this to yourself? Why do you hate yourself -- and now your daughter too-- so much? That should be the question you should be asking at this point. 😒😒

2. You knew it ended a long time ago... But you "emotionally" chose to allow your desperation to rule over your senses. You are not a victim. Every time he hurts you, at least since last October, it is because you allow it. You give him the weapon to stab your heart with every moment you cling to him; You are an accomplice in your own suffering. Who knows? Maybe you now beginning to enjoy playing the victim in the relationship, but you are not one. That child that you decided to have with a man who treated you list sheet from the start is the victim in all of this. 😒😒

3. You have been the only one trying to force yourself to be the perfect wife, to convince someone to choose you... But you never turned to choose yourself and accept yourself as you are in all of this. You could have walked away last year. You could have accepted that this man was filthy scum to you back then and maybe healed over the past year. But you refused to. You chose to do this evil to yourself for another whole year. You are the perpetrator of this suffering against your own mind, body, and soul for yet one more year. Not a victim! 😒😒

4. Wrong! This all happened because you didn't first love yourself. That is the primary issue here. If you had, you would never have given someone who clearly never valued you a chance. If you had, you would have run at the first sign of a red flag. If you had, you would have centered yourself and chosen to be in a relationship only when the other individual knew how to center the relationship over his personal desires. If you had, you would have abandoned him after last October. Don't blame him for all this. You were equally at fault from the beginning until now. Understanding and accepting this fact- that you are accountable for your own decisions and actions is - how you grow. Otherwise, you will continue to stew in the same pot for many more years to come.😒

5. Learn to love yourself! Then you will have all the love you need, even if you never find someone to love you in other ways. 😒😒

I didn’t see it during dating only that I knew his drive to hustle was low, some men are like that and I jut prayed God would give him one good job. Because he was Non smoking, church goer, not chasing women at least to me seeing. Claimed he was a virgin too, It was easy to think it was a good package. He didn’t have issues with my life or complain or anything. It felt like the real deal. Till immediately after the court wedding. I continued after all he showed o…hmmm… I was just confused what changed? Is it the new environment or country causing it or what?
Na so I become single mother o…..I am in shock….someone who I knew for years o treat me this way……gives no shit about a child we use ovulation kit to born. I didn’t know me are this irresponsible. I am just fortunate his plan to use me for paper was not finalized. God no gree him. My mum wants to hold the baby with her, do I accept? I feel that would be me abandoning her to. I don’t want to ever feel I abandoned my girl. I feel I want to have her with me, get help, nurture her and if genuine love ever comes again great. If not I would be grateful I was able to have a kid in life before I old when to born go hard. So is it wrong for me to keep her with my mom ?
Then the divorce process if I kickstart it I would be the one paying for it.
That man just ran away and doesn’t care. He can enter a corner and find another supply. How do I dissolve this wedding that’s my greatest problem.
Family said I should not be the one to initiate it. Does it matter ?

https://www.nairaland.com/8538043/married-feeling-single-im-losing

I made the post above around October last year when I was already miserable in my marriage and asking women how they cope with being married to someone who feels more like a roommate than a friend.
If you remember the post, I was complaining, how I felt like I was living in a graveyard, how I couldn't freely talk to my friends, because he didn't trust them or me, how he didn't really have that drive or initiative I expected from a partner, and how I was scared I was slowly losing myself.
At that time, I still thought maybe I was just overreacting.
I thought maybe marriage was something I needed to learn.
I thought maybe I needed to be more patient.
I thought maybe I was expecting too much.
Well... a lot happened after that post.
And honestly, looking back now, that post was just the beginning.
One major thing I didn't really explain then was our sex life.
I was a virgin when we got married, but consummating the marriage was not straightforward at all. He had issues with getting/maintaining an erection and eventually I had to get tablets for him from a pharmacy because he was having difficulty.
I remember being so confused because I thought, okay, we are married now, we are supposed to be learning each other and you should be enthusiastic for us to learn how to make love well even if that’s all we would be doin all day instead of fighting and you keeping malice or withdrawing.
And with time, the intimacy also became another thing I stopped bothering about. If I didn't initiate 95% of times, sometimes nothing would happen. Eventually I just stopped asking, except maybe when I was ovulating and the desire comes naturally.
Then something happened that really shocked me…..At some point, he started saying he wasn't even sure my virginity was real..
There was all that drama online around Ned and Regina Daniels at the time, and Jaruma had said she arranged virginity for Regina to get Ned in one of the numerous videos Ned and Regina and Jaruma her friend was posting. Because our house was always so quiet, I used to bring Regina jist home or any other celebrity gossip home and tell him since he has nothing to tell me as he doesn’t watch tv either. So somehow, I wonder how that means I have met Jaruma in my life and arranged my virginity with her too.
I was like, excuse me
You were the one who had sex with me.
If it was fake, why didn't you know the day you had the first sex why were you struggling to enter?
Why are you saying this now after we have eventually consummated the marriage and I'm even pregnant?
I remember telling him something like, if I was going to fake virginity, why would I fake it for you when you are not Ned, A senator ? 😂 I would have made much more money from it if I even sold it. It was honestly absurd to me.
But by then, almost everything had become suspicion. There was always something or the other he was suspecting or had mistrust about me for.
We eventually started counselling.
Around November last year, we started counselling.
The counsellor would give us tasks.
One of the things she told us was that whenever there was an issue, we should sit down and talk without being judgmental, actually listen to each other and try to resolve things.
But even that became another problem.
He would do the task on paper but we won’t practise it. We won’t practise the not keeping offenses. He would withdraw and exist on his own. I dare not even say ah we have a funfair gathering from work I want to attend, he would be offended kind of. May be he thinks I want to go and see man there.
I also have to admit that after this his attitude sometimes I would get reactive.
When he did something that hurt me, sometimes I would say things like, “Why are you doing this? Does that mean you don't love me?”
Or, “why can’t you trust me”, “ the way you are treating me I don’t think you love me, makes me scared to continue your papers sponsorship etc.he also hated my family and he didn't seem interested in having a relationship with them. Na malice he Dey go keep if we visit there too...
There were times when I needed him to show up with me when I went for my driving test. I had to beg him to come along. Seriously beg, for him to be there to cheer me up. It always saddened me. I felt he should be my number one cheer leader and vice versa.
Sometimes I would be like you doing even bother if we have paid rent, yo don’t comment or ask “ he said he wasn’t the one paying so why should he ask”, he would be like “what do I even think I am doing and all that”. That I want him to be worshiping me because I am holding everything together.

At one point he even said our dreams were different when I was asked when. We would start planing together things or visions we could work with as a couple.
That statement really scared me.
Because I was thinking, I'm here sponsoring this man and building plans for our future, and you're telling me our dreams are different?
There were also times he would say things like, “If we're still together...at some point in the future….”

And that one really got to me.
I'm like, if we're still together?
I'm making all these sacrifices and you are already speaking as though you don't even know whether we will still be married?

Then I got pregnant.
I remember telling him and honestly expecting excitement.
Instead, he was angry. And was like I did the test alone do I take him for a fool. I expected happiness and congratulations even though he had actually told me before Dt I should sign before I ever get pregnant so no one would say he pregnant me when he hasn’t found work.
He accused me of sleeping around steadying and talking about him around. If I go out, he would say I went somewhere else, if I take a walk, he would say it is to talk to man, he would ask to see my phone if I am chatting to see who I am talking to. If at night I am pressing phone at night, he would ask me what am I doing etc etc. with time I would be scared to go out becuse I would be judged. So to avoid issues and malice to come I would just sit and be looking while he is quiet and the whole house remains as grave yard. Remember he has no where he wants us to go or anything he wants us to do.

The first trimester was also very difficult for me.
I was very sick and couldn't really do much.
To be fair, he did help in some ways. He made rice in the mornings and walk me to office but that was all he ever did for me from his heart. As I couldn’t cook at night because of the pregnancy he would bring chair to kitchen for me to cook instead of him suffering to do night one again. I couldn’t trek much because they told me there was a little complication and I needed him to help me return some clothes, he was angry and said this better be the last I order because he won’t help me return it, that I am buying the clothes because I enjoy seeing him return it as my slave. Before most times, we would go return orders together when I was ok. Some he went alone. But this time as I was pregnant, the pressure was more of him and he started reacting. I craved tigernut so bad one day, I told him we would go pick it up together the next day. The morning of next day I had so much stomach pressure and I was so scared. I said op can he go alone , he said he has things to do that I would just come up all of a sudden to tell him to go and get it alone. I wept, dressed and tried to book a taxi much expensive than the tigernut, the he said he would follow me and I was like no point. The taxi is already outside and waiting for me you won’t meet up. By the next day, I had to go to the hospital. He was quiet there all through, wouldn’t enter the room the were checking me except I called him that ah ah you should be here, later he told me he has spent all day here and I should
find the doctor and all that because he has things to do. He was there but not there. A friend called and was like is your husband there, I said no he isn’t because I was angry that he was physically there but not emotionally there for me in anyway, that became an issue o. He said I disrespected him etc.

He was not invested emotionally, except for the first three weeks before our court wedding that’s when he played and laughed. At this post we were like room mates, he was just there giving orders and controlling my life and I was a participant getting frustrated and reacting sometimes.
Even the pregnancy announcement initially was an issue, I asked him not to tell his family immediately that I was pregnant as we had not even done scan to confirm if the baby was formed well, Not because I wanted to hide the baby but I just wanted us to do the first scan to be sure all is ok before announcing all round. But truth is I had told my mom abit earlier because she’s a medical person and I wanted to understand what vitamins I needed to start taking early on.
He took offence that I didn't want his family to know immediately. I had even told him that at that point he can tell his sister in laws let them tell me how to cope abroad. What they take abroad to calm the symptoms as that’s the major help I needed then. He was sha angry that his mum and his brother are they major people and I was saying he should hold on with telling them first.

Everything somehow became an issue.
Even when I was trying to be careful.
Then January came. By January, things had deteriorated badly.
He went to visit his sibling in another state for Christmas and new year.
At some point during his visit, he told me he had gotten a job he could do from Nigeria abroad.
I was happy for him, obviously.
But I was also confused.
Because how come I didn't know?
I was thinking, are you actually planning things behind me?
Is this the same thing you said your brother was doing with his wife, where she didn't know exactly what was going on when he looked for jobs because they feel she is the one against his progress and all and that if she knows things before hand it doesn’t work.
Are you trying to do the same thing with me?
And then I started questioning everything.
Because throughout the marriage, he kept saying he wanted to work. Infact that’s the first thing he said in year 2023 before our parents even met when I was in Nigeria, he said that we can marry without both parents knowing then do hi papers so that he would come and be able to start working immediately while both families get to know each other. We actually started talking again that year 2023 when he knew my own stay abroad had clicked because before then as a friend I knew before, I was encouraging him to process his papers too, he had told me since 2017 or so that he want coming abroad but couldnt accomplish it. So when I started mine, I encouraged him to see his own to completion.
But when he came in year 2025, we did the court wedding within three weeks of his arrival as he said/ advised so he can start working early, yet he didn't even apply for a work permit for a long time. He was just busy causing Issues, saying I am talking around about him etc. I said ok tell me who I am talking to and I would stop, then he said if he tells me I won’t tell them again and he won’t hear.
So I honestly didn't know what was true anymore. He would say he wanted to work, but then there were no actions.
And then he would still accused me of listening to other people's advice and allowing outsiders to turn my head.
I just wanted to live a normal life, be able to talk a walk without judgment, hold my phone without judgment, laugh on a call without judgement etc.

Eventually everything exploded
There was a conversation 1st January where things escalated and I told him I was very resentful of him. I challenged him about just telling me about the job he got on Saturday and he is resuming Monday and he escalated it saying why am I loooking down on him and all that. Even the virginity issue came up again where he said he knows I faked it. There had been so much suspicion, so many accusations, so many things that I had kept inside.
And eventually my father got involved.
My father contacted his family because by then I was pregnant and needed him to come defend the men he says I am sleeping with and the virginity he said is fake and the numerous complains, malice etc and my literal unhappiness as I had become a shadow of myself. My father spoke a lot actually, said that he doesn’t know what I saw in their son, that the guy can’t even have sex and he is saying I sleep around and faked my virginity etc. I was in parent’s place that January while he had gone to his own family in another state for the celebration. He made sure he didn’t spend it with my family/me even though our counsellor had told him to plan the trip another time and let’s do our first Christmas and new year together. He just resented us and I dont really know why. He hated my mum as she had once told him to stop feeling insecure and all that and that no one was judging him whether he has money or not and to feel at rest and focus and make it. I think she told him he was the lowest man in terms of money that came for me yet they agreed because they tot he is calm and he fear God so he should portray it. He said they had insulted him. If they talk he may not even answer etc etc
There were phone calls that early January
His mother eventually spoke with my mother.
And my mother told her what had been happening from my side.
My mother told them he holds to Odense too easily and is a very bitter person and that I was pregnant.
His mother later called that em, her son said my mum insults him every time and that I was trying to control her son cus I have
Money. Mind you I was dong the lowest wage job at that time when I told him to come and let’s share together and work hard together.
My sister's husband called him and tried to encourage him to come back and resolve things.
He said he couldn't because he was staying with his brother and didn't have money to take care of himself if he left and if he disobey his brothers and come who would help him if things don’t turn out well with my family.
He sent me a message saying “hurtful things had been said and that he needed time to recover and that there was light at end of tunnel” and I said “ I was also hurting and I looked forward to a time we can ever stay together and we would both be happy”
And then...he asked of the baby and I didn’t even see the text message early took some days but when i saw it I was like Shebi his mum said his brother and him would come and we would discuss.
And then there was silence…didn’t hear from him over a month. I was pregnant, no communication again. He wasn't talking to me and I wondered why.
And then finally I stopped his immigration process. When I did he called our pastor to tell him I am a club girl, I masturbate, he didn’t know I was like this etc etc. the church wanted to meet with us and I said it was pregnant I don’t Wana do back and forth shouting with him. Let them meet him And let them meet me after him. So he said a lot to them there. That Jaruma did my virginity because he saw a video where she did for Regina, that I don’t like long sex, that I have asked him can’t he have sex in lift, that I watch Angienation on Facebook, that I don’t pray, that I once took him to a lounge etc etc etc. that I blocked him that’s why he never contacted me from
January meanwhile I didn’t block him deliberately because I knew he would use it as an excuse for not yet reaching out yet he used the excuse any way.
He had always been bitter and had the view that why don’t he just come and marry me abroad and then go back and when his final residency paper is ready, he would come, why did I want him to stay with me, get work permit first before his final green card comes. I felt we wld have both advantage as we would be together, grow together etc.

Well, Eventually I had my baby alone and did the rest of pregnancy alone.
Nobody from his side reached out again through out.
And I can't even explain what that felt like.
Because I had spent so much time trying to make this marriage work.
I had sponsored him.
I had supported him.
I had fought for us.
I had gone to counselling.
I had tried to understand him.
I had tried to change myself.
And now I was holding our baby and basically doing motherhood without him.
Then came the DNA issue
Eventually it seems someone from church contacted him and told him about the baby.
And his response was that he wanted a DNA test because he wasn't sure the baby was his. That I said the baby is not his.
It gives me the if there is no residency attached, then I don’t want the baby vibes.
At that point, honestly, I didn't even know what to say.
The same pregnancy I had told him about.
The same pregnancy he had been angry about and was even angry I didn’t want him to tell. His people immediately. He even reported me to my mother about it.
Now the baby had been born and he wanted to know if the child was his.

Well, My focus now is my daughter.
So where am I now.
That's why I'm updating this thread.
Because when I wrote the first post, I was asking:
How do I stay ambitious while married to this kind of man?
I didn't know that eventually I would be asking myself a completely different question:
How do I rebuild myself after this marriage?
I am still legally married and not even sure of how the begin the way out.
There is a child involved which I don’t mind fathering an mothering alone if the Impregnantor would give me headache. Emotionally, I think the marriage ended a long time ago Infact the very moment it started,
And honestly, I don't know whether this particular marriage can still be worked on.
At this point, I'm not even sure I want to spend my life trying to convince somebody to choose me.
Maybe that's the biggest thing I have learned.
I can accept that I wasn't a perfect wife either
I may have said things I shouldn't have said.
I could have communicated better where needed.
I am not saying I did everything right.
But I also don't think I should spend the rest of my life blaming myself for not being able to make a marriage work alone.
Maybe we were just very wrong for each other.
Maybe we brought out the worst in each other.
Maybe there were deeper issues on both sides that we didn't know how to handle.
I honestly don't know.
All I know is that I became miserable.
I stopped feeling like myself.
And now I have a daughter who needs me to be okay.
And yes, one of the things I am scared about is whether I will ever find love again. A love that genuinely works, if not, I would stand being enough for my Daughter and her being enough for me.
I don’t know where life would take me but I plan to be more involved with God than ever before and work on any part of me that needs work.
But before then, I would be hustling like no man’s business because eventually, all those visions I have always had must come to fusion.

Thank you!

Kobojunkie:
@OP, please note how this new submission directly contradicts previous claims made by this same person, so-called marriage counselor? Earlier, this same person had claimed that through your submission to hell in marriage(struggle-love), you could change your husband.

It is the same way they have managed to convince 10s of millions of Nigerian women, all over the world, that through their numerous prayers and endurance in toxic, unhealthy, unfulfilling marriages, they could elicit change in husbands that literally hate them. Year after year, many of these women go to their graves — many due to the toxicity in their marriages — never seeing any of the changes promised them by their religious gods of men.

This is why I tell people to seek out a professional marriage counseling and none of these religious frauds out there that what they do amounts to counseling. A professional counselor would not fill your brain with contradictory ideas— religion-filled biases, aka nonsense—, such as those this one has so far.

---

@OP, if you are intending to opt for separation, be sure to consult a lawyer to know what you might lose if you choose that route. Abroad, a married couple literally has almost everything joined together... bills, loans, etc. Even in separation, he remains your closest relative with legal access to your assets, your primary decision maker if anything happens, and so on. If during your separation, your husband takes out loans and all other things, you, as his wife, will have to have a part in paying back those bills. Talk to a lawyer before deciding on a separation alone.

Thanks so much.
I really appreciate and I am so logical, A very logical person as you are and everything you write, my head screams in agreement constantly, however life just doesn't work logically.
- It doesn't and shouldn't occur that trump would make a statement and stock market and all would react to only his voice and tumble down in some cases.
- It doesn't make sense that you are pulling a strong and another person just wont hold the other end for the both of you when it would benefit you both.

The Thing is husband even lost even the Nigeria job he is doing that was bringing about 340 USD monthly

- It now seems like he is willing to explore the other alternative i have been shouting that can bring additional 2500 USD today which I have been mentioning and begging and pleading in the last 9 months but of course its because he lost the other.

At least he asked me about it today

I watched marriage sermons a lot feeling all ready for marriage and all, sermons that tell what to look out for in courtship and all, but its funny how we end up ignoring this traits still courtship even with every knowledge we know, is it love that is blind or desperation or what? even me I dont know. I was ignoring it for a while but last minute, i knew i broke off the relationship, lost his contact and that of his family etc. But then my mum then called me and told me that she thinks he looks quiet and all and i should not spoil my relationship and all. I was allowing the devil use me. I broke off because at that moment I was asking him what value I am to him and he was like in the future I would be but he couldn't pinpoint now... sometimes i would be confused. even my friends can tell what value i bring so why cant he. I would wonder if he dont even understand what is saying? should I force a answer to that? am i being paranoid by feeling he should be able to mention with joy the value I add to him? Am I overdoing by asking all that, and having him give me an answer that shows no depth of care or love.

He would say "he didn't say I am of no value to him", and then I would say "but you never said i am of value to you either". and he would give an example of "how someone may not give much value now but can be in the future", so then i would be like maybe this guy doesn't know the gravity of what he is saying and all, maybe i am asking too many questions too that is making me get unnecessary answers.

Eventually now, I feel that if he really didn't see value in me even as a to joke, then just maybe it felt that way to him for real (that's he felt i have added nothing to him at that point, advise is no addition to him because he would never take it until things crash until they pursued him out of this job for example. so because he wont even take it, you are of no value in all you say. And maybe at that time, I hadn't even given him any millions or anything so what value can i be, he was only doing his visa to come join me then still I was of no value maybe because i wouldn't pay the air fair or told him to find who to borrow money for proof of funds from because he can't leave me to hustle that for him when he is busy telling me that he can't ask people or his friends himself), question is why proceed to marry a lady you can't state the value she adds. another question is even if you are joking, why would such a lady proceed to marry you too.

His mother rarely even calls me anyways, dropped calls for her but no response but she remembers to call her son. I am sha watching. Well, maybe I called her with the foreign line WhatsApp and she doesn't know its me though. because i have been off my Nigerian line WhatsApp a bit.

I have been a bit sick though, cant even read for my exams, it may be tied to him but not really though at this moment, its getting to winter and its so damn affecting my mood, making me a bit isolated. I might need to get some vitamin D

I really do appreciate every counsel here and dont take for granted.

I want to observe his reaction too now. would he work together for us to feed ourselves or what happens.

I dont even want to think of what extra blow the USD 340 job loss would be on the finance that doesn't even exist in the first place.

I may just take time to watch grey's anatomy and forget my sorrows..... because mehnnnnn...... its tough

thank you so much !!!!!!! i appreciate everybody. I am so grateful for time you took to type / advice etc . Its alot. dont take for granted

Hi,
Applying for NMCN verification
Please how do we get the HOD number and email for school of nursing, Vom, Plateau state. Its been a long time since graduation.
Help please

Hmmm......
Yesterday was down a bit sad..... useless all evening. Hoping to come out stronger and feel better. Some women are being beaten and injured yet they stay.

So if someone isn't just concerned about me or just cold or minding his business, I am still in a better condition. I think Ibukun Awosika mentioned something like that too, one of her sermons, A woman said something about having to do everything and her husband not being there, trust me its draining but of course, no one remembers your mental health in such condition. She said in that program that she should be happy he isn't stopping her from pursuing her goals and she should leave him. that so far he sha finds one work to do or something like that. that should be enough. That it could be worse, where he would even stop her. so she is in a good place.

I guess learning to live and be happy with someone without having all you want / basic support you shouldnt even be getting from outside is a skill one needs to learn.

Some of us, just grew not being able to lie to ourselves when thing arent right or tell our selves to pretend all is right and have to learn now.

Yesterday I complained of urges and at least he made use of his hand, he didn't just leave me. Thats a thing to be thankful for. I am not sure he is ready to Bleep me normal in his mind, even though the prick is rising.

Further more he painted an illusion that he thinks his brother's wife is advising me wrongly. cus d first day i went to visit the brother wife and the brother, i told her to tell me truth as her younger sister things i need to know. she mentioned they weren't grateful people even if you remove your liver and all etc., and my husband and another of his brother behaves like woman, and they gaslight (i didn't really even know what behave like a woman means).

And stupidly one happy day, I mentioned what she told me to him (I was mistakenly pushed to cus he asked how i enjoyed myself, what we jisted, blablabla, to say everything, nothing to hide, to trust him, whether good or bad whether its even me that insulted him i should sha be open its no judgment zone), apparently, he told his brother, told his mother etc. Since then his brother has been hurt, he said its a lie blablabla, but he wont want to spoil my relationship with her and he would stomach it.

i wondered why my husband told his brother, does he want to destroy their marriage?

when staying with my sister, i didn't necessarily like everything her husband used style to say to me but i just take it as normal or be like if me too don hustle, I wont be here hearing what i dont want to hear. but i know telling my sister can cause issues or at least cause fight of i dont like what you told my younger sister or something. so me too respect myself.

So over time if he did something or not pushing to support and I say cant you see how i am struggling, you dont pity me, i would later just say, umm let me strengthen my mind, dem don tell me say you no dey grateful before (call that one of my bad characters).

so he feels i am in constant communication with her and hinted again to the already angry brother that its like we are in conversation and his wife is still advising me wrongly. it was a joint call that day so i know for sure he repeated it again to his brother.

Anyways, i have messaged and called his wife since then twice, she isn't picking or responding not sure what her husband has finally gone to tell her.

its fine i take responsibility, me and my big mouth.

But i just wonder, if he would tell his brother such knowing it can damage their home, how devoted would he be to ours? the brother stomached this talk to keep his home but he keeps reminding him what his wife may be doing as if to make him vent finally.

He always told me he counsels marriage, he has no problem etc. May God bless you to date someone that can praise himself, and when ou enter you realize the hype is more than the reality.

I am asking him if his brother ever mentioned to him now that he spoke to his wife about this and he said he doesn't know.

she's not responding and since he came, he has even said he won't go to their house.

He has told me I am not God, that because sometimes i would say lets go back to Nigeria (he feels am threatening him), meanwhile i always worry that it wasn't this bad there and things may be better for us there. I think I am God because of the immigration thing and all. It would hurt so deep because never for one did I say even if we go back, you go back alone. talks like this still made me feel this guy isn't someone that knows how to count his blessings.

Because he wanted me to marry him before coming here sef and be processing the paper while he chills back home, then he would now come. Even here he would always tell me, I should not worry when his paper comes. Immediately he landed, he encouraged me to do the court wedding here within a month. I remember my sister and parents warning me to slow down. dont let anyone rush you.

It was right after I think he stopped being sweet and started complaining that i dance etc. etc. It was then I asked why we were so smooth one month before the court wedding. though he says I am lying, because I was like you didn't complain I did all these things in that one month.

At this point, I am not God, and I agree, Let God work out his papers using him himself or another person.

We have been in the house since yesterday its quiet as a graveyard. only basic comments, hello, wen i entered, and wont you come and sleep when I didn't see him come to bed and the time i told him i was Hot and he used his hand.

How do people find their peace, in this kind of environment.

I swear i didn't learn it before, how to sit somewhere and be having your peace when you know all is not well.

And now I need to learn it.

Thank you so much for counsel. At this point, I would just pray for God's will and watch the way he is watching.

Watching doesn't solve problem, Am just tired of trying to fix what another phlegmatic person's temperament doesn't even feel the need to work on to fix.

I would keep praying, do only the basics on my end too and wait for God's will

Obinna67:
You would have married someone that behave like you . I have almost the same attitude has your husband , but I like adventure, I like trying new things, I hate poverty that is why I'm trying to succeed in things I do , I like staying alone because it make me think better , I hate party . So I won't marry someone with different views from me , for my mental health. I think the fault is from you not your husband. Both of you are not compartable , you have to endure him , they said husband is endurance, you will soon become familiar with it.

i sincerely felt this was his own quiet

leksonltd:
It's unfortunate you are having these weird feelings, you need try look out for things he likes to do. Engage him in games like ludo, Scrabble, what cards etc. Try watch movies together, try to make him your gist partner. Sometimes, get novels read some chapters let him read some others. You engage him to explain those he read, while you also do the same. You may begin to notice what he likes and Vis versa. May God bless your marriage

movie? I try alot, did netflix......... he sleeps off 5 minutes into it, I found outing for friday last week, went to a lounge, he slept all through while other couples where dancing. I had to dance alone and was crying and cleaning my eyes. when I mentioned he said he didn't see it like that. he just thought following me there was enough. Games etc, I mentioned, of course, I would need to go to Temu to get it if not its forgotten project. Jist? is it not someone who watch tv, have friends etc that would have what to say or contribute? If I no on tv...story, I helped him follow interesting people on instagram so he can have content to even jist me, I have been begging in to go to the volleyball court downstairs and even play with some white friends and make one friend in 9 months.

Amen...Amen....Amen...Just need wisdom..strength...mental stability to manage things

billyG:
Why do most women talk before they think,u come nairaland come talk say yo husband gbola no dey work....na nairaland go make am work?

Ahhhhh
Its working, I didn't say it isn't. I only said we lacked techniques and he is not interested in spicing it up or researching how they do.......didn't I say even my vagina sef is not responding as should be. That i dont feel anything in penetrative sex? I am not here to make him look bad. this is just my realties and looking for way to pass through it while maintain my sanity.
I threw him my pant to sniff, he went to throw large volume of spit / vomit, it killed the mood, I later asked if he doesn't like me or how my pant and the vagina he enters would irritate him so. He told me he always have spit in his mouth...lol...one of those excuse that dont add up, and that I need to know he hasn't sniffed any woman's pant before and all that its only my own and all that talk.
So how do i know if he truly is just not game or doesn't love me hence why my pant would irritate by me. He did mouth action once and was pouring all the spit on me and said I gave him fever blister and he has never tried it again by mistake. So i am d only one without sense to be putting mouth on his prick

kbright2:
Your husband posses 70% of my character I don't just jealous but trust me the fact that your husband is jealous and don't want those people around you will give room for faster growth and better understanding in your home because it will create room for amendment and necessary corrections between you guys.

If you find someone you feel more comfortable when you're with, your home is fading off, sooner or later you will get emotionally attracted and that is a big fall out.

My wife reprogrammed me, she is a very playful person in fact she can carry me up while playing or her and the kids can just start wrestling with me just to set me up for play. Now I'm blending with her. We gist most of the times now unlike when we first got married then it was always me and my phone and laptop.

There's one assurance I can give you, you're married to one of the best and faithful husband out there because we don't womanize, can take care of the house and kids than you the wife.

Keep you head up, work together as a team, go to him for advice and contributions for your goals by so doing he will work on himself too in those areas to meet your demands.

Please, don't find someone out there to do things he can't do, this will cause a bridge in your relationship. God bless

i agree @ not womanize and all that. I am not lying but sometimes it gets so dull, so dull, not womanizing wont pay for food or rent and it begins to look like is it not better to have a responsible man that would cater for the family and house and weight and sleep around (with protection) since sex is an activity for men.

and i would print this out too for sure, but am just saying sometimes my head cant help but think what I asked above

ejieddy:
Marriage is always the sum of its parts. You have really complained about your husband. It's clear you resent him. You are not just worried or have these complaints about him. You resent him. I also feel there's someone or something you are comparing him to or wishing he would become, most probably a male figure. He has no chance with you and the most important thing about marriage for any man is acceptance. He doesn't have that with you, so I ask you, why did you marry him? If you wouldn't accept him, why commit to him? Yes he has all these great flaws you mentioned but he doesn't have the most important thing he needs from you. If you keep wishing he was someone else in your heart, what chance does he have?

hmmmmmm..........deeeeeeeeep! I agree acceptance. and you have pointed one thing that would end my issues honestly. and i think i did accept him back because i felt he would be faithful, he is a Christian and no much pressures back in nigeria

I would hold this because it is worddddd and you are so damn true. I know the truth when you tell me and I dont deny it

But over here, its like, if i just accept him, would it pay our debts? feed us? make me feel like a woman that needs love? protect me when some evil devils who pretend they know how to love start lurking around in the near future and I am sex starved for weeks?

Would this acceptance pay for all this?

which way forward

TenQ:
As a marriage counselor and a Christian, I will tell you that your problem is minor so, please wipe your eyes.

Yes, a number of things were wrong before you got married like you did not truly know him because you didn't discuss those areas of your lives.

The Solution
1. Stop feeling miserable!
Why? Your husband is not supposed to be the source of your joy, inspiration and future in your Marriage. You are entirely responsible for that!

2. Stop looking at his weaknesses and failures!
Why?!It is too late to change him now. This is who he is by nature. You cannot change him!

3. Stop comparing him with your dreams !
Why? He is different from what you hoped, accept him for what he is!

4. Begin to create the atmosphere you desire in your home by yourself. Don't expect him to do it. He is seriously PHLEGMATIC, nothing will move unless you move it! He will join you when you initiate prayers or call him up for church or Bible studies. Don't expect him to lead... you'd be wasting your time and you'll get frustrated.

5. Acceptance and Independence is your key: Of the situation knowing that it is a long sprint. You may be the one to run the household. You will be the one to get your land and house. You may be the one to go to your children's school. You may be the one to run the Family.

6. Pray for strength to Love him in spite of these obvious weaknesses and ask God help you carry your cross.

7. Don't expect Romance from a Phlegmatic like him. You will just hurt yourself if you do!

Note:
Be joyful in the fact that
1. He may never cheat on you
2. He may provide financially to the best of his ability
3. He would probably never lift his hands or mouth at you.


People like him need a strong Wife.
Every marriage is different!
Every marriage have their own problem.




If you have any questions, please feel free!

This is so deep! thank you so much. I wld print his and put in my bag everywhere, I also need to get books on dealing with a 150% phlegmatic man. I just dont know pls, I need help, after all this, how does a woman stay respectful, submissive in all this, because I feel like at the end i wont be able to especially after doing it all and still have to feed your ego as a man. How do i not build resentment 5 years down the line and be so angry, rude etc that i still dont use that same resentment to destroy the home?

We’ve been looking into counseling. We met one counsellor — a white man — and honestly, I didn’t mind. I really wanted to understand how a man thinks, to see if maybe I was the one not getting something. I even specifically asked for a male counselor.

So, we started the session, and part of what came up was this incident with a friend — someone I had introduced to my husband before that I feel this person knows road in this country ooo. we were even considering him to do best man for the wedding since my spouse dont know anybody here and had my spouse had even asked him already and they had discussed so that one was already feeling free . He had come to do a delivery nearby and asked if we were home, and I said yes. I honestly forgot to mention it to my husband because it was within 3 minutes that one showed, and I didn’t even know the guy was that close by and I needed to mention in three minutes.

The guy showed up, and my husband immediately said, “She didn’t tell me you were coming. If I don’t welcome you, how would you feel? So what are you here to discuss? the wedding right? or what? ” I almost died of embarrassment. That guy left awkwardly, and I felt like the ground should open and swallow me.

Yes, I know I was wrong for not mentioning it earlier but timing was short, but still — I couldn’t help but react. I told my husband, “Haba, this person just came to say hi. He’s someone you know and has asked to be your groom man and this is how you treat him?”

This same person was the sole person who encouraged me to go ahead with my relationship, to get my fiancé to come so we could get married, start a family, and grow together OR worse case go back home do court wedding and file for him to come if we are experiencing processing his coming without being married. He found contact for a court person in Nigeria incase I would need to go to Nigeria to do court wedding first, He even assisted in helping me look for the room and toilet me and hubby would stay when my husband arrived, because he knew surviving abroad alone as a woman isn’t easy. He told me to push my parents when they were taking too long to decide, because he genuinely wanted to see me happy and settled.

If I had useless people around me, would someone like that have done all that? Would he have encouraged me to start my family and supported me like that? Sometimes women can be friends with men, e.g. friendship like Eniola and Priscilla Ojo’s own that they have all over the internet. Being an engineer, I’ve always worked mostly around men — just two ladies to twenty men in my office and even back in school, the whole class were guys— I deal so easily with men, i have spoken to men all my life, in school, at my work in Nigeria for years, and just easier friendships for me. the female friend i had introduced her younger sister to my then boyfriend to try and steal him, the one we had in school said i was always mentioning that she went to stay in her own boyfriend's house anytime she tried to judge any Christian sister she heard do same. so i use to remind her then that Haba. I apologized but she never forgave me, women have been stabbers in my life, I dont have one Sef that I can confidently say is a friend, though I am beginning to try to make female friends after I married for peace and all.

So the counsellor guy said did it make sense to tell that to a total stranger? was being right better over what is good and healthy for the stranger and then for the union and all that............ the guy said we practise communicating with each other for few weeks and we are improved we would continue our sessions.

My guy is not even talking about going back now o. he said there is one Nigeria lady he thinks is very good, that we should use her. because that guy's line didnt o really well. said the guy wont understand our culture.

I am open and we would be meeting her, we would have to pay another NGN 600,000 charged to my credit card again because we simply cant figure ourselves out by ourselves.

Thank you so much, everyone. I've read a lot, and I've learned a lot, to be honest, from this. My plan was never, per se, that I'm looking for a divorce, no. I do know that we all operate at the level of the knowledge we have, and if he knew better, same way, of course, if I knew better with regards to how to manage some things, then maybe those things wouldn't even be issues, right? So it shows that there's a knowledge lacking on my part and on his part, and sometimes when there's familiarity between two people, it's hard to see or hear what they say. And that's why, when you hear things externally, you can see perspective better, and I understand when, like, I've read through some people saying it's his nature — even though that pertinence part is really crappy — but that's by the way.

I just know that if my mental health wasn't getting affected, there wouldn't be an issue. Like, for me, whether it's his nature to be laid back or not, bills have to be paid, and the bills don't know that it's his nature. The bills don't know that we need to look for something else doing while he waits. Yes, he works, I'm not even going to deny that, but of course, he's working remotely from Nigeria. The work he was doing for a while, I think they gave him to be able to do it till December. So he's working, but that's like, say, NGN 500,000 a month which in dollars is little. So how does that pay a house rent of NGN 1,400,000 every month? Ideally, I would expect that common sense would come together — okay, how can we work at getting something to do together? Considering that I know single people who do three jobs, who do two jobs, who do this, but it's like, I'm alone to even brainstorm common ideas, he has not one to offer, maybe doesn't want to task his brain. He wouldn’t even ask, “Oh, how was rent this month? Have we paid? what's our finances like this month?

It kind of makes me remember how we were dating, because apparently, he didn’t used to even say anything then. When I travelled, during the 11-12 months while we were dating long distance, I think it was during that period I was like, “Ah, guy, even if it’s only 10,000 naira that you’re sending, just show your love or commitment na. Do I need to ask?” So going back, it makes me feel like I’ve asked for everything, and it can be very confusing. I know some of you here are quiet and all, but it’s really confusing from a woman’s point of view — is this really his nature or is it just lack of love or care or concern for the person you claim you’re dating? He mentioned today that he thought the money would be too small even if he gave me anything that's why he never sent anything.

So it’s really hard for me. These bills don’t know it, and it has to be the person with the eyes who is seeing it that does something, right? Clearly, I’m the one more in tune with it at the moment. Being with someone who won’t even ask, “Hope we paid this month’s rent?” or “Have we paid?” — you know, just care or concern, genuine, like, about it — but you are just there, you sleep, you wake up, even unbothered when the only job we are both using to eat was ending, no support to apply while I read for exams and all, And he told me he had no other plan because I asked what would have happened if that job wasn't renewed. He said he was praying for me that they would renew it. And you happen to be the head of the home as a man. Ah, it’s killing, it’s killing for me. As a woman, I’m not even going to lie. Maybe because things are tough and combining school and everything at once, and a whole lot, I’m burnt out. That’s the problem — highly burnt out. I’m tired, I wake up, I cry every day. Resentment is building.

And that’s why, like, I had to come out. And in all of this, it’s painful that he has energy, but those energies are for being petty. Like, oh, you can’t go for your work party, and then he’ll be passive-aggressive about it. Then he’ll say, “It’s the way you said it that made me angry.” Or, “You can’t talk to this person or that person; I should be enough.” You should be enough, but even the things we should do together, you can’t out your mind to work. Wont I reach out to people around for ideas, or ways to move forward. Even to put in one single application a week is a big deal for you because you are working back home— the same work that cannot obviously meet our needs.

I am doing full time work, full time school with 4 course work (assignments, group work etc), still comeback to cook because he wont cook and wait for me, I have done four job certification exams and read for it all in this process to get a better job, still come back to trade which is where am able to get small $50 or $100, we use to offset some other things, so we can be comfortable. He would say he would learn all this things, its jst a process and taking no step at learning even one extra thing at the moment.

We can even sell stuff from a charity store near us, post on facebook market place and all that, just extra income to meet one or two needs. I have mentioned, but he would rahter die or wait for hen he finally blows. so should we die before then?

Like, how do you not stand up to the responsibility of home in what ever capacity you can at the moment? How do you not see the reality of things and contribute in what ever way you can at the moment? How do you not see that we’re drowning, and you’re supposed to lead, yet you sleep and wake up and always tell me you feel I have it covered?. He says I dont see that he walks me to the train station in the morning when going to work. And to me it makes me so sad because I wonder how the barest minimum is a sign of the greatest love. Is it that he just doesn't know how to show love to a woman? I dont even understand. I am seriously confused most times

I also tried to do my driving test because, at a point, I didn’t even mind doing deliveries or something on weekends so we could survive better. I planned the route I knew best for the driving test. I had a friend who has a car which i begged to help , even if it was to practice two or three days before the test and use the car for the test because we dont have the money to do practise and do test together it would cost around (NGN 600,000 at least). He agreed, and I told my husband. He said no problem, that we should just ensure to pay the person something even if it is NGN 200,000. I had introduced him to this person when he came.

Then the day of the test came. I told him that morning, “Let’s go together,” because I knew who I was dealing with. But he said he couldn’t go because I told him too late just that morning to join and, that he already had plans. Okay. I went alone. When I came back, he didn’t even ask, “How did it go?” Nothing. Just sulking, keeping to himself. So I was like, is it that you don’t want me to take the test and help our lives? Or is the issue that I practiced with the guy yuo approved and I told you to join us and you refused? You’re the one who said I should proceed and pay him, so why are you sulking? Why are you giving bad energy because I went for my test?

The body language and all made me cancel the next practice and I never did the test just to keep the peace of the home. I realized there are things I wont now achieve because he is insecure, places I would never be because he is scared of who I would meet there. And it’s not like, at the back end, he’s my surest nigga, ride or die, he wont think of anything, just to sleep right after, he has refuse to make one single friend here in 8 months, he stayed away from people I even introduced him that they can mingle with and you know expose him things around since they have been here longer. so It’s not like, at the back end, he WOULD BE ENOUGH OR DO ENOUGH. It’s not like I hear often how much he loves me. I can’t count if he has he’s told me he loves me in the last four months. Even the wedding day na face we squeeze take marry.

When you don’t feel supported, you don’t feel loved, you just feel like you’re on your own. So when people say, “If you’re divorced, you’ll feel alone,” I ask, what’s the difference? Even as I am, I feel so fucking alone. Everything is dead, and he doesn’t mind. He’s just fine.

We go out somewhere — how do you even go to a lounge and sleep all through? Then I have to dance by myself. Obviously, I’m married; I can’t dance with anyone else, right? He won’t even like that — he’ll get angry. In fact, he’s just there to monitor me there, not to actually have fun with me. So yesit means he has energy, yes, but it’s all for being petty and the wrong reasons. not the rigt ones

How does that help the situation? How does that take us forward? That’s why sometimes I feel like I should quit my job and see what he’ll do. I feel like he’ll chicken out and say he’s going back to Nigeria or something. So is that what true leadership is?

Does it mean that because I said yes to this relationship, I have to live this way? No. I thought you were a spiritual brother — that we’d do well in prayers and everything. But you can’t even pray with me because, according to you, I don’t wake up very early enough. I would say but haba, cant we can pray at other times, like in the evening after work, after all we find time to eat then, but he wont, he would be busy praying alone. So is that enrgy towards building? So is it a case of wanting to be right over wanting to build. Even in the spirituality, I did not get the benefit. I don’t get it. Maybe he’s used to doing things alone, and that’s why he finds it hard to even pray with me.


Sometimes i feel once his paper is out, he would find an excuse and leave.... if he doesnt trust me and tells me he only trusts me 60%, why should I trust hm too


And even sex — like I said before — It was twice i two months, the first sex and the one after in the next month, then he brought the need to sleep with me with condom, which was when I called the brother and his brother gave him some tips on what he should do or could do better, only then, it seemed like there was a little more energy in him wanting to research and improve things. As it is we dont even know how to align the prick to enter from the back talkless of changing style. I dont even feel anything during penetrative sex, maybe its common to women though, I dont know. Even for him to research how to enter from that back (doggy), If i havent found video and put in his front, its not intuitive for him to try and research and then practise it or " say oh the one i watched, the guy did like this or like that, lets try". Usually, a woman would say, “At least he knows how to Bleep even if he no send me in any other area,” you get? But there is nothing for me to hold onto, and it is very painful for me.


But now, it’s been like another three weeks since we last had sex, and I feel it’s having an impact again. The environment is tense. I am feeling more frustrated And if I’m not the one to notice that maybe it’s because we haven’t had sex that things are even feeling worse, he’ll never realize it or initiate it. He just won’t.

So I don’t know. How do people handle relationships where you have to be the brain as a woman and still be respectful, still hold things together? I know people have done it, but it feels hard. Really hard. And I didn’t bargain for this. Maybe I saw the signs, but I didn’t think it would get this deep. I just thought, oh, he’s quiet.

Ishilove:
O ga o. Didn't you people date?! What is the meaning of all these complaints in a new marriage!!?

We dated, but I think the pressures here are quite different from back home in Nigeria. Back then, we weren’t struggling to survive — we were both doing okay. I had a good job, and he was also working. I was renting my own place, and he had his. We didn’t really live together, but we’d spend evenings together a few times a week.

I had an older friend who usually drove me to work and helped me with errands — things like going to the market and driving me home afterward. So most things were already sorted out in my life. When I saw my husband in the evenings, it was mostly just “How was your day?” and light conversations.

I also had my mum’s house help staying with me at the time (she was continuing her schooling after my mum traveled), so she helped with light meals like rice, indomie, or pap during the week (evenings after work). I usually cooked on weekends when I was fully home — things like swallow and soup, stew, fried rice etc. (any heavy cooking for the week that we would keep in the freezer).

Basically, I was taking care of myself. I didn’t depend on him for money or anything. If he gave, I appreciated it, but I never asked.

Now things are different. Here, we have to really work together to survive — bills don’t wait for anyone. Rent alone is about NGN 1, 400,000 for just a room and bathroom in a shared house where we share kitchen with 3 other people. We are barely surviving, I have so much on my credit card already. So to me, teamwork just makes sense; it should come naturally.

I never imagined being with someone who could see that the only contract job that I am doing, that we are both using to survive which barely covers the rent — and with the contract ending as at then — did not feel moved to do more in our quest to find a better job or even just another job if that contract was never renewed. He slept peacefully every single day. It was share luck it was renewed. Someone quit and left to another company because my boss had told me earlier to start looking for work as she wasn't sure it would be renewed by management. The complacency sometimes kills me.

Sometimes I honestly feel like quitting that job myself just to see what happens or what he would do. Maybe he’d just go to his brother’s place and live with his brother and his wife and then tell me to go to my sister's house in another far location to stay or what? I would just go to her house and help her take care of her kids. I was there before, it was because of him I moved out, put this weight of rent on my head because of marriage feeling we were a team and would work tooth and nail together to figure it out.

But his focus is different, his focus is on who I called, controlling who I talk to, he even makes reference to who I may have had time to speak to at work, things he thinks he heard outside from one or two random people which of Course I would always be the culprit for, not even telling me he loves me, me begging for non-condom sex, he telling me that we are adults who can decide if the relationship would work or not and move on if we know it wont from now so we dont waste our time (though he says he only says that when I say i am tired or if he is leaving everything to me, what's the point of being two when it still feels like its only me), him sleeping peacefully like we have no real problems, reading those junk emails that enter your laptop in large amount everyday, ensuring I dont go for outings etc.

I just know he is waiting for his papers and he tells me when it comes out, I would know how hardworking he is.

I really feel like going out to pay for a lie detector test, i think I researched and it cost about NGN 600,000. I just really want to know if he ever loved me or should I say, if he genuinely loves me or it's a thing of convenience.

Because as I read all the messages here, I tend to remember things that I took casually that may have been strong signals if I was calm enough. I also kind of feel maybe I was a bit desperate maybe. Maybe I should have waited for someone with drive for living and growth. I knew him first in 2017 and when we were coming back together to date, my worry was that it was the same place / state/ level I left him in that he still was when we met again, which I told him was an issue for me. He then told me he did a lot of investments that failed, crypto, uber business where the driver based the car and all.

I know that we all dont have it covered and life is not always easy for us all (it was a bit easier for me back home as compared to here and now), so we are a product of the information we get access to and the people that advise us to go for greatness. So I then felt that if we could work as a team together, share materials that would make us grow, I can sharpen him and he too sharpen me where needed etc. I am just not sure if i am the only one in the team at the moment.

.

Mariangeles:
Are new born babies taught how to latch onto their mothers' breasts and suckle?

I know its to enter the vagina and it couldnt enter. thats basic knowledge na

We all not perfect, I can state some of the obvious ones he had issue with

When we came together, I was a loud person. I liked to express myself openly, even during arguments, so I would talk loudly. He, on the other hand, is very quiet. That was different for me, so I had to learn how to express my anger calmly — which feels weird because there’s no energy in it. How do you show happiness or unhappiness without life? How do you just stay passive, as if the issue doesn’t exist, and feel comfortable going through it without feeling anything in your body or the need to actively do something to change it. We were somewhere were a lady as talking passionately in a group sort of, the next thing i saw my husband ask sorry do you have an issue with me? because the way you are talking? this lady was just talking, I didn't honestly notice any energy directed at him but he cant just stand high energy sort of (maybe his nature i dont know). it was so embarrassing to everyone there and he didnt even know what he did was wrong. Since then, I am scared to have him attend any social thing that would be in a group setting because I dont know what low self esteem attitude he would potray or antisocial attitude.

I’m also a blunt person. I tend to say things as they are. For example, I might say, “Haba, you’re not even assisting us to do better. It’s been months now, how many times have you applied?” instead of saying, “Please dont forget to apply for something for us today.” then tomorrow " pls apply for something today", then tomorrow continue again. That's too much energy, I dont even have it, I have so many conflicting priorities, assignment, group work, full time job, full time school to handle. How do I baby a grown adult to do what they’re supposed to do when they should do it?

I’ve always been that person who doesn’t need to be pushed to act. I’m not the most diplomatic person honestly.

For example, when he said if he doesn’t use a condom, there’ll be no sex because he doesn’t have a job here and he clearly isn’t applying, I felt hurt. Why should I be treated that way, after having only two sexual experiences in my entire life, you arent even looking for a work and I keep begging, when we can find two jobs , do together and it would be our money? So I told him, “Let’s just go back home to Nigeria where you have a job, so you can be able to knack me appropriately. But I’m not having condom-based sex for months, which means we won’t have sex again until we’re in Nigeria.”

That annoyed him because he felt I was threatening him by saying he should go back — meanwhile, that statement included me too, not just him.

Diplomacy at that point would have been to just agree, look sexy, and maybe hope and pray that during a knack session, he’d throw the condom away and want it raw.

But honestly. I’m wired logically — all that “arrangement above” feels like too much mental work. Thinking about how to “trick” someone to get my way doesn’t come naturally to me. Yet it seems most people don’t like the plain truth — they prefer to be “tricked”.

For me, it’s the opposite. I get angry when someone tries to trick me into doing something. I hate it with my life. I feel manipulated. I prefer you to sit down and talk about issues with me, reason them out logically, and find a middle ground. If that middle ground isn’t working, I’d want to comeback and say, “This ground has shifted o, I’m not feeling this middle ground anymore,” and then we talk again until we find another way.

Another thing I do — I might innocently say, “Ah, so-and-so just started this new side hustle o, what can we also do?” I don’t realize it sounds like comparison to him. But I’m genuinely only trying to share something that inspired me, to start a conversation about how we can improve our lives. He gets upset, saying I’m comparing him, while I’m just thinking about survival and progress.

When he wasn’t applying or doing anything on this our hustle to survive, I told him at one point, “This is becoming too much. Between school, work, and trying to study for certification exams, I’m stretched. When I come back from work, maybe you can help us with cooking since you’re not applying for jobs. If you were applying, I’d gladly cook for hours after work. But I can’t keep doing everything. This is a contract job — what if they don’t renew it? We should be putting in serious effort.

Yet, he never applied or showed concern. He’d just casually apply once in say two weeks. And I kept wondering how he really thinks we’ll survive. So I decided I won’t cook, since he’s not taking responsibility — I’d rather focus on the priorities of finding a better job so we can take care of our needs and I wont keep living on credit, because any credit we end up taking is in my name and in my credit card so I have the loan on my end consciously or subconsciously.

Oh, and I also talk to my friends on the phone. It’s not like I’m doing bad things — I just want to learn, share ideas, and stay sane. He, on the other hand, doesn’t really have friends — not here, not even back in Nigeria. Maybe some people from school, but no close friends or anyone I know. Just living alone. I used to think that was strength, but I didn’t realize that lack of social interaction could haunt me.

So now, he expects me to also live that way. But abroad is already lonely and depressing — how do I survive without talking to people? I need communication for my mental health.

Kobojunkie:
Red flag #3! Aggression and lashing out... definitely not good signs. Was this some sort of arranged marriage?

2. You obviously thought wrong since humans aren't judged by their silence but by their actions. Most of us have known this since we were kids, so why did you choose to go against common sense in these things?

3. Why did you marry this person again?

For once, I think I followed spiritual preachings where they say it's better to marry someone who fears God first. Spirituality is sometimes so different from compatibility especially when reality sets and it feels like you living with a room mate.

No, I didn’t stay with him during courtship. We courted for 8 months together and were in a long-distance relationship for one year. He was quiet while we were dating, I agree, but to be honest, he wasn’t my go-to for ideas or when I needed a solution to something quickly. I had a friend who was 19 years older than me that I would always reach out to. He had become more of a brother, and my family knows him. He’s married with kids, and his wife and I have become like sisters. But he relocated out of the country in December last year.

So, I feel this never gave me time to see my husband’s creativity or all that. Life was always happening so fast. Or maybe, somewhere inside, I knew he wasn’t very solution-oriented, so I never asked him. But I never saw his quietness as a sign that he wouldn’t be social or wouldn’t know how to love a woman or anything like that.

I remember when he was about to propose, I asked if he wouldn’t give me a romantic proposal, and he said he didn’t know my ring size and couldn’t go and buy a ring that might not fit. He also said he didn’t know which of my family members to meet to run the package or surprise. I remember being hurt — that should have been the writing on the wall for me, though. He said I should follow him to the market to get it.

As an update, he told me this morning, after I was crying, that we are both adults and can decide what we want as a lasting solution on what to do with our relationship because he is tired of seeing me cry. All I needed was a soft feeling of care, even if it just meant holding me, because I am on my period same time and I’m just all over the place emotionally.

I just feel hungry — like when, as a woman, your emotions are not being cared for or attended to. If I’m unable to have sex once (I couldn’t because I was having serious period cramps), he won’t even bother to touch me again until whenever Jesus says it’s time. He wouldn’t care that I was in pain at that moment. He would just say that I’m refusing him, and if he doesn’t try again, then its my problem andfault. It just feels off — everything, the connection, etc. Its almost no existent. I am not even sure if its because maybe he doesnt love me or maybe he isnt experienced on how to show it (him not having relationships, sisters only brothers, him being a virgin, spiritual brother back then etc).

Today I went downstairs, picked up my phone, and wanted to call all my friends since I was really feeling sad and all. I had to leave him because he would still judge me if i call them in his front. As I was going down, he said he knows that’s why I’m crying — so I can “use style” to find my way out to go and talk on my phone. Before, I would feel guilt-tripped and sit down asking myself whether I don’t have right to use my phone. But I just ignored him and went down. I came back and he isn’t talking to me. Apparently, I’ve sinned and I know I would be punished with silence for as long as maybe two days or so for choosing to call others and smile with them. (he would say he is not punishing me, but he would keep silent).

Its more like i cant go anywhere or talk to anyone if he doesn't follow me. I had an office party and told him I wanted to go, he was already angry as it was going to be an evening party. I didn't get to go again because he had said to me, that me, I want to be living my life (all because I wana go to my office party).

The dynamics are just childish and tiring for me. Until when will I do this? I didn’t marry him for money, because at the moment I’m working in a better place, though we’re still praying for a better job for him so at least I can rest too. I don’t know if that insecurity eats at him as well. I’ve cut off a lot of people because of this marriage, and I don’t want to keep doing that continuously.

A friend of mine that I introduced to him came over one day, and he asked the person why the person came to our house and if it was right I forgot to mention (which OfCourse isn't right but to let the person know they arent welcome because i forgot to genuinely mention is huge).

That person has never stepped foot in my house again. He is insecure around my friends — maybe he thinks they are better than him, I’m not sure. As it is, I know I can’t share any friend I have with him because he’s always insecure around them, or he’ll say that I’ve told them one thing or another about him. But he knew I had friends while dating and acted normal. He would say once you just explain, its fine by me, I dont have any issue. Not once did he fight any.

I really regret telling him to come meet me abroad after I left Nigeria. I thought we would work together as one to do great things, have coule goals, be driven etc. even get a good house instead of this one room and toilet we’re managing, until he gets his papers. I even thought we can find two jobs to do and he would support with applying and then he can assit on the second one so we can do more together for now before his papers come. bu he wont even apply, just do his Nigerian work he is doing and sleep the rest of the day or lazy around.

He has told me that because I want to do papers, I think I am God. different talks that hurt. after he told me to find who I lost my virgintiy to as it wasn't him. I told him I had pictures of that night it happened because I know he can flip on me. Then he said it could be any picture of blood. then i told him i remembered to make a video in case he wants to say i sleep around or he dont trust me simply because i dont want live a graveyard live like he wants to. Isolated from information, ideas etc.

He said I always say we should go back to Nigeria since we’re not happy here, that i am threatening him and i should better give him his application money if I know i want us to go back. He always tells me that when his work permit is out, I will see how hardworking he is. He is still working in his office in Nigeria remotely though, and I’m managing a low-paying job here at least enough to pay for the room and toilet and feed and schooling at the same time, doing certifications and all, applying wickedly for better jobs, doing interviews, just to get higher. It’s just a lot sometimes.

I just wish I felt like I had a partner — a ride or die. I kept myself so well and didn’t mess up; I don’t know why it ended up this way. I even cried on the wedding day because apparently, he was with my sister’s friends and they said they met him unhappy in the corridor. When they asked why, he said, “Whatever his family does is not enough.” I was confused because I was wondering what that meant. That was the first time his family was showing up, which was for the wedding. The last time they came was a year ago when they came to meet my parents for the marriage, and my parents kind of slowed the wedding down because they said they weren't very aware of our relationship and wanted to observe themselves and pray.

Since then both parents have only spoken on phone and greeted each other once in two months or three months until the day they showed up the night of the wedding.

So I don’t know. We have fought so much, even in front of my family / parents . We’d go to their house and still end up fighting / shouting on each other. As it is now, he says my mum and my sister have offended him. Only my dad and my sister’s husband haven’t offended him.

I called his brother a few weeks back, saying I couldn’t do it anymore, that I was tired — especially after my husband kept saying he never wanted to come here in the first place, that it was their elder brother who made him come and that he would only sleep with me now using condom and doesnt want to sleep with me unprotected till he finds work. I started to wonder what is this guy's plan? does he want to get paper and then not have child with me and use that period to then escape? or what. He said he wanted to take responsibility.

He is just too serious. I’m playful. No dirty words during sex, no knowledge of any position — only missionary. His brother even had to teach us how to have sex on the phone after I called him that time and he sent some traditional drugs that can help with sex. It’s just been so much.

Please, those of you who are married — how do you cope?

I am married to someone I don’t think is my friend. We dated before marriage, but during that time, I had a very senior friend whom I always went to for advice, help with decisions, and assistance with things that required initiative or “manly” effort.

My husband, on the other hand, is very quiet. Living with him feels like living in a graveyard — no TV, no outings, nothing lively. It’s not that he isn’t intelligent (trust me, he is), but he’s too lazy to put his mind to work sometimes. By 9 p.m., he’s already asleep. He eats, goes to work, and that’s all. He has no drive for more. Whenever I talk about progress or goals, he says, “It’s a process; it’ll take years to come to fruition,” but he never thinks of ways to get things done efficiently or on time.

So in terms of ambition or drive for achievement, I’m suffering living with him. I feel alone. I’m scared that his lack of motivation and his slow, passive lifestyle will kill my own drive. I’m not even extremely driven myself, but I know I want to achieve greatness. That desire pushes me, but I’m afraid that living with him will make me too relaxed and unmotivated — and I don’t want that.

Before marriage, I had friends — both male and female — with whom I shared advice and ideas. I’ve always had male friends because they tend to be driven. From them, I learned about crypto, stocks, business ideas — they inspired me. But my husband doesn’t trust them or me around them. Since we got married, I can’t talk to most of these friends at home unless I’m at work. It’s affecting me mentally. I’m scared that my circle for growth and greatness is being trimmed down, and soon I might start behaving like him — with no ambition or hunger for achievement.

Women, how do you handle such relationship dynamics?
How do I keep my drive while being married to such a man?

Every Friday night, he’s already asleep. One time, I dragged him to a lounge on a Friday night, and he was dozing off there. I ended up dancing alone while other couples danced together. If there’s something important we’re supposed to do, he won’t take initiative or push for it.

For example, I suggested we start going to church regularly to build our spiritual life. One Sunday, he woke up first and went to bathe. When he finished, he didn’t wake me up, and by the time I opened my eyes, it was already late. When I asked why he didn’t tell me, he said he called me but I didn’t answer. For me, I wouldn’t act that way — especially when it’s something that helps build our faith together.

We also planned to pray as a family. We did it for two days, and then he forgot — and honestly, I’m struggling to remember too. I don’t know if our marriage is under spiritual attack or if it’s just his personality, but my mental health is suffering. I’m not happy. I don’t genuinely smile anymore.

He doesn’t know how to pamper me or show warmth. If I complain about something, he just lashes out. He didn’t date much before marriage; he was one of those “spiritual brothers.” I was spiritual too, but I thought quiet men were more romantic or deep inside. I was wrong. I feel like he’s choking the life out of me.

At home, I can’t even make calls freely — he gets unknowingly aggressive if I’m on the phone and says things like, “Don’t you have things to do?” So I can’t talk to the people I’d love to.

After our marriage, he had issues going to my family, claiming I blackmailed him because of earlier arguments. He would get upset about small things, like me dancing to Afrobeat music. He’d say I shouldn’t, then later deny he said it. Or if we go out to eat, he’ll say we should leave early or that the place will soon close, even when I just want to relax and enjoy being outside.

I feel alone, yet married. I miss home. I’m not sure what to do.

It even took us one month after the wedding to consummate our marriage. We were both virgins, but his manhood wasn’t functioning well, and we had so many arguments that our emotional connection broke down. I felt it literally fall apart. Now I feel like I’m just living with someone.

He often says, “We’re not aligned,” or that he trusts me only 60%. If I go out, he sometimes gets angry or accuses me of lying about where I went. I can’t stay indoors all day like him — I’d just die inside.

I need help. I feel like I’m losing myself. When I visit home, my mother’s voice feels loud or too much, my friends when i talk to them, it feels like they are talking too much — not because they are talking too much, but because I’ve been living in such silence that I’ve lost touch with voice, morelike in a graveyard.

I am even crying as I type this, and he is sitting somewhere on the other side asking me if my head is swelling or what is making me cry.

I’m just… tired. feeling so strongly emotionally starved tooo.

Please, those of you who are married — how do you cope?

I am married to someone I don’t think is my friend. We dated before marriage, but during that time, I had a very senior friend whom I always went to for advice, help with decisions, and assistance with things that required initiative or “manly” effort.

My husband, on the other hand, is very quiet. Living with him feels like living in a graveyard — no TV, no outings, nothing lively. It’s not that he isn’t intelligent (trust me, he is), but he’s too lazy to put his mind to work sometimes. By 9 p.m., he’s already asleep. He eats, goes to work, and that’s all. He has no drive for more. Whenever I talk about progress or goals, he says, “It’s a process; it’ll take years to come to fruition,” but he never thinks of ways to get things done efficiently or on time.

So in terms of ambition or drive for achievement, I’m suffering living with him. I feel alone. I’m scared that his lack of motivation and his slow, passive lifestyle will kill my own drive. I’m not even extremely driven myself, but I know I want to achieve greatness. That desire pushes me, but I’m afraid that living with him will make me too relaxed and unmotivated — and I don’t want that.

Before marriage, I had friends — both male and female — with whom I shared advice and ideas. I’ve always had male friends because they tend to be driven. From them, I learned about crypto, stocks, business ideas — they inspired me. But my husband doesn’t trust them or me around them. Since we got married, I can’t talk to most of these friends at home unless I’m at work. It’s affecting me mentally. I’m scared that my circle for growth and greatness is being trimmed down, and soon I might start behaving like him — with no ambition or hunger for achievement.

Women, how do you handle such relationship dynamics?
How do I keep my drive while being married to such a man?

Every Friday night, he’s already asleep. One time, I dragged him to a lounge on a Friday night, and he was dozing off there. I ended up dancing alone while other couples danced together. If there’s something important we’re supposed to do, he won’t take initiative or push for it.

For example, I suggested we start going to church regularly to build our spiritual life. One Sunday, he woke up first and went to bathe. When he finished, he didn’t wake me up, and by the time I opened my eyes, it was already late. When I asked why he didn’t tell me, he said he called me but I didn’t answer. For me, I wouldn’t act that way — especially when it’s something that helps build our faith together.

We also planned to pray as a family. We did it for two days, and then he forgot — and honestly, I’m struggling to remember too. I don’t know if our marriage is under spiritual attack or if it’s just his personality, but my mental health is suffering. I’m not happy. I don’t genuinely smile anymore.

He doesn’t know how to pamper me or show warmth. If I complain about something, he just lashes out. He didn’t date much before marriage; he was one of those “spiritual brothers.” I was spiritual too, but I thought quiet men were more romantic or deep inside. I was wrong. I feel like he’s choking the life out of me.

At home, I can’t even make calls freely — he gets unknowingly aggressive if I’m on the phone and says things like, “Don’t you have things to do?” So I can’t talk to the people I’d love to.

After our marriage, he had issues going to my family, claiming I blackmailed him because of earlier arguments. He would get upset about small things, like me dancing to Afrobeat music. He’d say I shouldn’t, then later deny he said it. Or if we go out to eat, he’ll say we should leave early or that the place will soon close, even when I just want to relax and enjoy being outside.

I feel alone, yet married. I miss home. I’m not sure what to do.

It even took us one month after the wedding to consummate our marriage. We were both virgins, but his manhood wasn’t functioning well, and we had so many arguments that our emotional connection broke down. I felt it literally fall apart. Now I feel like I’m just living with someone.

He often says, “We’re not aligned,” or that he trusts me only 60%. If I go out, he sometimes gets angry or accuses me of lying about where I went. I can’t stay indoors all day like him — I’d just die inside.

I need help. I feel like I’m losing myself. When I visit home, my mother’s voice feels loud or too much, my friends when i talk to them, it feels like they are talking too much — not because they are talking too much, but because I’ve been living in such silence that I’ve lost touch with voice, morelike in a graveyard.

I am even crying as I type this, and he is sitting somewhere on the other side asking me if my head is swelling or what is making me cry.

I’m just… tired. feeling so strongly emotionally starved tooo.