₦airaland Forum

I like analysing people

Una don tire to post? Why everybodi just dissappear like say ojuju dey come this forum. Na wah for una o

Mine is " Funniest thread/ posts on Nairaland"

https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-76618.0.html

So true

[b]50 Ways To Annoy People

1.In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

2. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

3. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

4. Name your dog "Dog

5. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

6. Dress only in clothes colored Orange.

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Honk and wave to strangers.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Wear a LOT of cologne

17. Practice making fax and modem noises

18. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with disinfectant.

21.Make beeping noises when a large person backs up

22. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

23. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

32.Drum on every available surface.

33. Holler random numbers while someone is counting

34. Pay for your dinner with kobos/pennies

35. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE

36. only type in lowercase

37. dont use any punctuation either

38. Set alarms for random times.

39. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

40.Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

41. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

42.Pick your teeth openly after every drink

43. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Ask people what gender they are.

46. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

47. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times

48. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50.Make appointments for the 31st of September. [/b]

Which would annoy u the most?

Now, a riddle for u:

Question: How can you tell when a lawyer is about to tell a lie?

Answer: His lips start moving

_{no offense to all the lawyers in the house}

love-vendor MY RIDE for Naija? U wan cause katakata? Where will u start sef? By the time the PMR crew work on 5 cars, they'l have one of the following options _{out of frustration, that is}:

1. Replace the cars with new ones. No use attempting to raise dead cars _{which is what some 80% of the cars on our roads are}

2. File for bankruptcy

Haba!

15 biggest Lies:

1. My bank's server is down.

2. You pay for this one, I'll pay next time.

3. You look great.

4. Of course I love you.

5. It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.

6. , but we can still be good friends.

7. She means nothing to me.

8. Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."

9. I was in a meeting.

10. I'll call you later.

11. I've never done anything like this before.

12. I'm from your government, and I am here to help you.

13. I DO.

14[b]. He's the best thing that happened to me

15. I took my time to find Mr Right[/b]

Y not add to the list.

will be back with my comments on the above

Distortion

folly69:
lalalalalala lies

Don't be so nasty! It was likely a 'stray' blow meant for Clemcykul

Talking about lies, read this:

A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery,loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians, he buries them.

The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"

The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."

clemcykul:
no mata what robot is invented i will surely continue lying.

*goes off to lie to seun that he is well loved in nairaland*

Now that was the biggest lie ever told in the history of mankind. May you be delivered from the biggest blow from the robot as u r about to witness _{closes her eyes in expectation of the horror about to unfold}

Repent! Repent! and choose to be truthful like me _{ouch, where did dat blow come from?}

Here's another:

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

cute-ass:
Buhahahahahahaah . . lying runs in the "family", if they would still remain one after the woman's lie

Seriously doubt it

Someone just sent me this joke. I hope its not been posted before. Enjoy.

[b]One day Kyle's dad brought home a robot. The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face.

Kyle returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, 'Son why are you late from school?' Kyle answered, 'Dad, we had extra classes today'. Much to his astonishment the robot jumped up and slapped Kyle on his face.

His dad told him, 'Son this robot is special in that it can detect a lie and will then slap the person who lied. Now come on tell me the truth. Why are you late?' 'Dad, I went to a movie' 'Which movie?' 'The Ten Commandments' Immediately, Kyle got a slap on the face from the robot. 'Sorry Dad, I went to see the movie Sex Queen'.

'Shame on you son, when I was your age I never watched obscene movies or misbehaved' Immediately, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot.

Hearing the last sentence, Kyle's mother comes walking out of the kitchen and sarcastically says to her husband, 'After all he is YOUR son!!!' To which the robot steps up and gives Kyle's mother a resounding slap on her face! [/b]

Cadet:
He was unforgettable because of his name. Which means love! He's forgettable, just not remember-able (If that makes sense )

Hardly

lami4life:
i have this aunt who's very, very adventurous when it comes to culinary skills. She can come up with a wide variety of food combinations that can actually expedite ones journey to the grave! But because she's a very nice individual and has the best of intentions, some of us who are dear to her have had to endure the minutes of gulping down these poison sorry, food, with plastic smiles and complimentary remarks _{God help you if you leave out the complimentary remarks}

Now one of most amazing combinations I'v encountered with her is Akamu (pap) with cooked rice _{now wait for this} mixed together .

On learning about our menu for the day, virtually every family member came up with reasons to abscond or abstain (e.g 'Sorry I'v got to leave, something just came up'; 'I'm on a special diet, won't be able to join you"; I'll eat mine later. Just leave it in the pot" . Muggins (now that's me) was feeling so considerate and decided to make her happy by eating.

In retrospect, that was the singular most suicidal action I'v ever taken . I still live with the regret.

You're mean :

Worst I've eaten is Wara that whitish thing dat is actually not fit for consumption

I think we need to put things in perspective.

-First, let's define 'crime' in the context of the topic, so that there are no ambiguities. Is the focus on 'big time crime'e.g Murders, kidnapping etc or both petty and big time crime. If the latter is the case, then i may be constrained to agree that as far as petty crimes are concerned, Nigeria has a higher crime rate. While for major crimes like killings, the western world reigns supreme.

True, we have bad data system on crime. True too, even the ones available may not be totally reliable, yet we can discern certain things from simple observation. I do not need figures or statistics to tell me the following:

- A significant proportion of murders commited in the west are racism-inspired - someone just despising the color of another. It is a strong war in the Western world. While Nigeria is not without its share of tribal strifes, this cannot be compared with what obtains in the western world. Nigerains would less likely kill or maim because of differeince in color or race

- A look at some major crimes commited in the Western world (e.g a teenager taking his school mates hostage and eventually killing them and self, random shootings in public places etc) show that suicidal tendencies are more prominent there than in Nigeria. With that kind of tendency,u can expect crime to thrive more. These kind of killings are rampant there. How many suicidal killings by demented souls have u heard of in Nigeria? What is the likelihood that a Nigerian kid would take to killing innocent people on the street to express his abhorence for the fact that he was bullied in school, or of a system/decision or whatever? Slim. The motive and orientation sometimes makes the difference.

-I strongly believe that our value system, take it or leave it, is still much stronger

almondjoy:
I think you usually get over crushes after age 5.

Anyway. . .to answer the question. . . no memory of such.

Uhmmm

deola1:
Don't know

Sure u know! NOBODY! Or else, there would be abosolutely no doubts about it

Hmm. Mine dates back to my school days. He's a friend of the family and happens to be the sweetest, most caring soul i've ever come across. With just the right balance of sensitivity, intelligence, decisiveness, firmness and unpredictability (now that was fun!), he's not one i can forget in a hurry. Intrerestingly, there was no sex (at my instance), but what we had was good, strong and unforgetable. Will be back on specific things he did dat just won't let me get over him.

@ Thug life,

Forget it. U r not half as good looking as Lil Bow wow. But seriously, are u as ugly as the gist goes? A pity.

The Song "Unforgettable" by Nat King Cole about summarises the essence of this thread.
Did you ever have an unbelievable and almost never-ending attraction to someone? Did you ever get together?Was it a childhood thing that just refused to go? Is it recent or even after entering into another relationship or marriage?

Why is that person so unforgettable. Let's hear it.

Poison Ivy

Black is it; really classy color. For combinations, i'm forever drawn to black and white. Some shades of green are also awesome.

Predictable