₦airaland Forum

mablie:
The "average Nigerian" is generally unaware about the class struggle in the country.
The ruling economic & political elite are the major problem of the country but they blame ordinary/"average" Nigerians using apparatuses like the media to convey their skewed message.
Unfortunately, the "average Nigerian" has begun to believe this slanted messaging.

This is the oldest trick in elite governance: manufacture a narrative so people fight each other instead of the system. Divide-and-rule works because it's cheaper than actual reform. The real question is why ordinary Nigerians keep falling for narratives that don't serve them."

tesseract:
He is right and he is wrong at the same time. It all depends on perspective and personal experience.
Given the right conditions, any Nigerian can be very bad or very good.
I've encountered very good Nigerians and I have also met very bad ones, Shanks was wrong to label the 'average Nigerian' as bad; It gives an impression that all Nigerians are bad.

I agree to that perspective and personal experience shape our views, but broad labels rarely tell the full story. Nigerians, like people everywhere, are capable of both kindness and cruelty depending on the individual and the circumstances. Saying "the average Nigerian is bad" oversimplifies a complex society and unfairly paints millions of people with the same brush. The problem is better understood by looking at the systems and conditions that influence people's behavior, not by condemning an entire population.

I saw Shank's post and honestly, I understand the frustration behind it — but I completely disagree with the conclusion, and I think it's worth pushing back hard on this narrative.

Painting an ENTIRE population of over 200 million people as fundamentally bad is lazy analysis dressed up as deep insight. It sounds profound until you actually think about it.

Here's what Shank is missing: **survival instinct is not the same as bad character.** A hungry man who bends a rule to feed his family isn't evidence of a broken soul — he's evidence of a broken system. You put ANY population on earth — Americans, British, Japanese — through 20+ years of failed leadership, currency collapse, no power, no jobs, no security, and watch how "good" they suddenly become too.

And let's be real — this same "average bad Nigerian" is the one who:
👉 Gives his last ₦500 to a stranger stranded at a bus stop
👉 Opens a GoFundMe for someone he's never met when tragedy strikes
👉 Shares food with neighbors during hard times
👉 Shares "urgent 2k" on social media that have saved countless people from real emergencies
👉 Still greets elders, still says "sorry" when a stranger falls, still stops to help push a broken-down car

Meanwhile, the actual people who "cheat to survive" at scale — the ones who steal billions, award themselves bogus contracts, and loot pension funds — are wearing agbada in Aso Rock, not hawking pure water in traffic.

Blaming "the average Nigerian's character" for what bad governance created is exactly the kind of narrative that lets the real culprits off the hook. It's not that Nigerians are inherently wicked — it's that survival mode has been forced on them by decades of leadership failure, and Shank is diagnosing the symptom while ignoring the disease.

The environment didn't reveal who we are. It's hiding who we could be if given half a chance.

What do you think — is this a fair pushback, or does Shank have a point? 👇

omoredia:
I totally agree. A country where people like Adeboye can speak thw truth anymore

The bigger issue is that no one—whether a religious leader, traditional ruler, journalist, activist, or ordinary citizen—should feel pressured to stay silent about matters affecting the public. A healthy democracy depends on people being able to speak honestly, question those in power, and express differing views without fear.

omoredia:
I totally agree. A country where people like Adeboye can speak thw truth anymore

What do expect from the business man called Adeboye?

Thundafireseun:
Very very valid statement...

When you run into any policeman on duty...All he thinks about is how to extract money from bloody civilians...

The EFCC claiming self righteous ... Get full erection once they use a Yahoo boy so they can milk him ....

Dangote price of cement in other countries is cheeper than in Nigeria because of bad intentions... My list is Endless

That's why accountability shouldn't be selective. Whether it's police extortion, abuse of anti-corruption agencies, monopolistic pricing, or wasteful government spending, the same standard should apply across the board. Nigerians deserve institutions that serve the public, not systems that appear to benefit a few at the expense of the many. Without transparency and consequences for wrongdoing, public trust will remain low.

Progress should be measured by results, not promises. If things are truly taking shape, Nigerians should see it in lower inflation, better security, reliable electricity, quality healthcare, improved education, and more jobs. Until those improvements are widely felt, many people will understandably remain skeptical.

[quote author=NewHe post=140052901]Fair question, and it's usually left out because it's more comfortable to only talk about what government owes us. But citizenship isn't a one-way contract.

At minimum, citizens owe the state: obeying just laws, paying legitimate taxes, participating in civic processes (voting, jury-type duties where applicable, honest engagement in local governance), and not actively undermining the collective good for private gain — which cuts both ways, by the way, since ordinary citizens gaming the system in small ways (bribing their way past a checkpoint, falsifying documents, refusing to pay taxes they can afford) contribute to the same rot they blame leaders for.

But responsibility isn't just legal, it's also about vigilance and participation — staying informed, holding leaders accountable between elections and not just during them, organizing, speaking up, refusing to sell votes for rice and cash. A citizenry that disengages entirely and just complains from the sidelines makes bad governance easier, not harder.

The tension, though, is that responsibility has to be somewhat proportional to trust. It's hard to ask people to be fully invested, tax-compliant, law-abiding model citizens when the state routinely fails its own basic obligations — security, infrastructure, justice. So yes, citizens have real responsibilities. But "what do citizens owe the state" and "what does the state owe citizens" aren't separate conversations — they're the same conversation, and one side collapsing tends to erode the other.

That's a fair clarification. Direct taxation doesn't automatically create accountability, but it gives people a stronger personal stake in how public money is used. When citizens clearly see their own earnings funding government, they're often more likely to question waste, demand transparency, and hold leaders accountable. Of course, as you said, it's not guaranteed—active citizenship still depends on public awareness and the willingness to speak up.

Dreal1247:
They are using them to maintain the most populated part of the country and claim bogus allocation while bringing nothing to the table. Useless government conducting marriages for unproductive men who are economically redundant. At the end, they are used to sway votes to their preferred candidate.

This is so true

Savageman247:
A Nigerian man has ignited conversations on social media after revealing the list of items his family was asked to provide by one of his village groups following the death of his mother.

The man, Emeka Nobis, disclosed that he and his brother recently attended meetings in their mother's village as part of the traditional burial process. According to him, they met separately with three groups: the Umunna (men of the kindred), Umuada (women of the kindred), and Alurudi (women married into the kindred).

He explained that each group presented its own set of requirements before the burial rites could proceed. Nobis shared one of the lists online, showing numerous food items and refreshments expected to be provided for members of the group.

The post quickly attracted widespread reactions, with many Nigerians questioning why grieving families should face such financial obligations while mourning the loss of a loved one.

Reflecting on the experience, Nobis revealed that his mother died at the age of 71 after a prolonged battle with cancer that had already cost the family millions of naira in medical expenses. Because of her age, he said she was classified under the highest burial category in his community, with the family also expected to provide a cow as part of the traditional rites.

Despite the demands, he said he and his brother have chosen to approach the discussions calmly while engaging community leaders in constructive conversations.

Sharing the reason behind making the experience public, Nobis wrote that he wanted to document the realities of traditional burial practices in his part of Igboland, prepare others who may one day go through a similar process, and encourage conversations about reforming customs that place heavy financial burdens on bereaved families.

"Culture can be modified. It's left to us to challenge these practices as years go by. I'm pretty sure that it definitely will happen," he wrote.

His post has since sparked a broader debate online, with many arguing that some traditional burial practices should be reviewed to reduce the financial and emotional burden on grieving families, while others maintained that cultural customs should be preserved but adapted to reflect present-day economic realities.

SOURCE
https://www.reportnaija.ng/2026/07/bereaved-son-sparks-debate-after.html

This story keeps repeating itself all over Igboland and it's always the same pattern — a family already drained by hospital bills now has to source a cow and feed three different groups before they can bury their own mother in peace. Nobody is saying we should throw away tradition, but there's a difference between honoring culture and using grief as leverage to extract money from people who have no choice but to comply.

What gets me is the "highest burial category because she was 71" part. So the older and more accomplished your parent was, the more it costs you to mourn them? That's backwards. If anything, elders who lived long, full lives should be celebrated without their children going into debt for it.

Credit to Nobis and his brother for handling it calmly instead of blowing up at the village — that's actually how change happens. You can't reform a system by fighting the people who administer it; you reform it by being in the room, year after year, until "we've always done it this way" stops being a good enough answer. Culture isn't static, it's just slow. Someone has to start the conversation, and he just did.

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SeeWahala:
And some young misguided Nigerians still fill jamb form and choose 'POLITICAL SCIENCE' as their preferred course of study

Political Science isn't the problem—bad politics is. If anything, Nigeria needs more people who understand governance, public policy, constitutional law, and accountability. The tragedy is not that students study Political Science; it's that too few of those who end up in power actually practice the principles they're supposed to uphold.

budaatum:
So, the argument is that most Nigerians do not hold the government accountable? If so, I agree, as does the evidence.

At the last election where more than 90 million were registered to vote, less than 10 million elected Tinubu.

We must indeed do better next time.

Low turnout was certainly part of the story, but many Nigerians also questioned the credibility of the process itself. The delays and technical issues with the electronic transmission of results, reports of voter intimidation in some areas, attacks on polling units, and widespread allegations of irregularities all contributed to public distrust. Whether one believes these changed the final outcome or not, restoring confidence in elections requires a process that is not only free and fair but is also seen to be free and fair.

budaatum:
What I've found is that the Executive, Legislature, and Judiciary are made up of human beings like the rest of us, and if we the people think they will uphold their "duty to govern transparently, uphold the law, and use public resources in the public interest", we are only deluding ourselves that they are angels.

Ironically, Tinubu is changing that ideology by taxing us more. It did not matter to us much when our leaders were stealing Nigeria's money, but now they'll be stealing our own tax money out of our own pockets, I bet we'd pay more attention to how its spent, or stolen.

You're right that public officials are human, not angels. That's exactly why democracies are built around accountability, transparency, and checks on power-not blind trust. Where I'd disagree is the idea that citizens only become vigilant when they're directly taxed. Nigerians have long paid through inflation, poor services, insecurity, unemployment, and indirect taxes. Oga the real challenge is building institutions and a civic culture where leaders know they'll be held accountable regardless of where the revenue comes from.

budaatum:
I am beginning to be intrigued by this so called "average Nigerian" that is going about. I've just been told they are taught rubbish, and here's me being told they are not good people.

Please, "average Nigerians" on Nairaland, if any, are you a bad person, and do you expect the Executive and the Legislature to check their excess power for you?

That's not the argument being made. The issue isn't whether the "average Nigerian" is good or bad. It's that in a constitutional democracy, citizens and institutions both have responsibilities. Citizens are expected to hold leaders accountable, while the Executive, Legislature, and Judiciary are expected to exercise their constitutional powers responsibly and check one another. When either side fails, democracy weakens.

budaatum:
Did they really teach you in "school that government has three arms — Executive, Legislature, Judiciary — each one meant to check the other so no single one has too much power"?

Did they not teach you that in a democracy, we the people are the ultimate check on every arm of government, and that if we don't like our government we can vote it out and elect another government at election time?

If they didn't, we better start learning ourselves!


The word "supposed" makes me think you live in lalaland.

Who did this supposing for you? Is it those who taught you the same nonsense above?

Do you seriously think some executive or legislative will run things for "average Nigerian" out of the kindness of their hearts, when even God said you must sweat from your own brow to eat?

If so, I am personally not surprised that "average Nigerian" starves, for that is what often happens to those who delegate the responsibility for themselves to others, especially to Nigerian executives and the legislature!

Hopefully, we shall learn better things.

I actually agree with one part of your comment:

citizens are the ultimate check in a democracy. But that doesn't erase the constitutional responsibilities of the Executive, Legislature, and Judiciary. Elections happen every four years; governance happens every day. Citizens should hold leaders accountable, but leaders also have a duty to govern transparently, uphold the law, and use public resources in the public interest. Those aren't acts of charity-they're the responsibilities of the offices they sought and swore to uphold.

Popular content creator Shank has stirred conversation online after posting a candid and rather uncomfortable opinion about the character of the average Nigerian, suggesting that the country's harsh conditions have deeply shaped how people treat one another.

In a post shared on X, he wrote, "An average Nigerian is not a good person. The environment don just wire everyone to 'survive.' Whichever way it takes or plays. It's sad, but that's the truth. An average Nigerian feels smart when they cheat the other person. "I use am for am" ahahah. Sad. God help us all. It's embedded in our subconscious. Everything be like war. The country don scar us. You don't have to hurt the next person to grow, or win."

What's your take on what Shank said?

Source: Legit.ng
Photo credit - shankcomics/Instagram

I don't know about you, but I'm genuinely worried about the direction this country is headed. We were taught in school that government has three arms — Executive, Legislature, Judiciary — each one meant to check the other so no single one has too much power. Nice theory. But look around you. Does it still work like that, or are we just watching three different groups take turns serving themselves?

The Executive is supposed to run things for our benefit. Instead, what we is borrowing and looting at different levels, contracts that vanish, projects that exist only on paper, and budgets that never quite reach the people they're meant for. Meanwhile the average Nigerian is struggling to feed, to commute, to survive.

The Legislature is supposed to represent us and watch how our money is spent. Yet somehow, they can always agree on increasing their own allowances, but when it comes to minimum wage or subsidy palliatives, suddenly there's "no money" and endless committee reports that go nowhere.

The Judiciary — the one place ordinary citizens are supposed to run to when the other two fail us — even that has lost its shine. Justice feels slower for the common man and suspiciously fast for those with money or connections.

I'm not writing this to insult anybody. I'm writing this because I'm tired, and I know I'm not the only one. We keep hoping the next administration will be different, the next set of lawmakers will listen, the next judge will be fair. But at what point do we stop hoping and start asking — genuinely — what it will take for these arms of government to actually work for us and not just exist for themselves?

I don't have all the answers. I just know something has to change, and it starts with us talking about it honestly instead of pretending everything is fine.

What do you all think — am I overreacting, or is this the reality we've just normalized?

saintopus:
You are very correct sir, it's not about the religion but dubious past leadership with the intent of slaving the people so they could ask for anything that is good.
The first thing these dubious leaders did is to stifle education by making it as if it's a Haram while they sent their own children to top class university.

The hypocrisy is hard to ignore. They preach one standard for the masses but choose a completely different future for their own children. Education empowers people, and empowered citizens are much harder to exploit.

jojothaiv:
Sadly enough, most Nigerian commercial banks management are sitting on this table, particularly when it bothers on the so called outsourced/contract staff, those staff do the majority of the work, sweat it out and earn little some banks don't even consider some of them worthy of the bank yearly profit sharing. A reason I don't blame those staff if they are not loyal.

Telecommunications, Supermarkets, FCMGs, Healthcare too are no where better too.

This is a reality across many sectors. When employees feel undervalued, underpaid, and excluded from the rewards of the value they help create, loyalty naturally declines. Respect, fair compensation, and opportunities for growth aren't just employee benefits-they're investments in a more committed and productive workforce.

SlavaUkraini:
https://dailypost.ng/2026/07/16/nigeria-has-no-business-with-poverty-shettima/

Nigeria has never lacked potential; we've lacked the leadership, institutions, and consistency to turn that potential into prosperity. We've been hearing "Nigeria has no business being poor" for decades, yet millions keep sinking deeper into poverty. The problem isn't identifying opportunities—it's creating an environment where people can actually invest, produce, and prosper without insecurity, policy inconsistency, corruption, and failing infrastructure getting in the way.

TheFreshVanilla:
If Nigerians can accept bad governance, what's insecurity?

That's the point. A society that normalizes bad governance eventually starts normalizing its consequences too. When people stop demanding accountability, insecurity, poverty, and corruption become the new normal. Our biggest problem isn't just bad leaders—it's a citizenry that has grown too comfortable with enduring what should never be acceptable.

Something else worth thinking about is how quickly we've accepted fear as part of everyday life. We now ask, "Is this road safe today?" instead of "Why has this road become unsafe in the first place?" That shift in mindset is worrying. No society should normalize planning its daily routine around insecurity. We shouldn't lose sight of the fact that safety is a basic expectation, not a luxury. What's one practical step you believe would make the biggest difference in improving security across Nigeria?

saintopus:
This is one of the fraud in Islamic religion. The almajiri system is meant to trigger off a poverty striken society so they can remain loyalty.

I'd argue the problem isn't Islam itself, but how the system has been allowed to operate — the Almajiri system as originally practiced in the Kanem-Borno and Sokoto Caliphates was genuine scholarly education, and countries like Saudi Arabia, Egypt and Sudan still run Quranic education today without producing street beggars. The difference is regulation and funding, not the religion itself.
‎
‎What Nigeria has is a governance failure, not a religious one. Colonial disruption gutted the old structures, and post-independence governments never rebuilt the integration between Quranic and formal schooling. Add decades of poverty and zero political will, and you get what we see today — kids begging, not because Islam requires it, but because nobody with power stepped in to fix a broken system.
‎
‎Even Sanusi II, a former Emir of Kano, has said this is fundamentally a poverty and social problem, not a religious one. If it were designed to "keep people loyal," you'd expect the elite to send their own kids through it too — instead they fly them off to Cairo or Riyadh, where the same religion is taught properly. That's the real scandal here, not the faith itself.

Let's have an honest conversation: how does a region produce governors, senators, and billionaires whose own children fly out to study in London, Cairo, or Dubai — while millions of children from the same region sleep under bridges begging for leftover food in the name of "Islamic education"?

The numbers that should embarrass every leader in the North

Nigeria has an estimated 18.3 million out-of-school children. Almajiri children make up roughly 72% to 81% of that figure. In Kano alone, over a million children beg daily. Nasarawa's governor recently revealed his state alone accounts for 430,000 out-of-school children — and that was just one governor, in one state, saying the quiet part out loud.

Tradition" that only the poor practice

Here's the part that gets me angry every single time this topic resurfaces: nobody is asking the Northern elite to abandon Islamic education. They're asking why the version practiced by the masses looks nothing like the version practiced by the rich. None of the countries the elite send their own children to for religious study — Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Sudan — allow children to beg in the streets as a method of learning. Over there, Quranic education is funded, regulated, and combined with regular schooling. Over here, it's been allowed to collapse into what one commentator recently called "a horror show" — because the people with the power to fix it don't send their own children through it.

When "sacred tradition" becomes a cover story

Every time reform is proposed, someone insists the Almajiri system is untouchable, too tied to culture and religion to criticize. But a peace-building group warned this year that Nigeria's insecurity will not be resolved unless the Almajiri system is dismantled within five years — or risk destabilizing all of West Africa. Researchers have traced Boko Haram's founder directly back to this same system, and confirm bandits and extremist factions are still actively recruiting these exact children today.

So which is it — sacred tradition, or a recruitment pipeline nobody with power wants to shut down because shutting it down means admitting decades of failure?

The commission built to fix it became a joke

If anyone thought government was serious, the 2026 budget settled that. The National Commission for Almajiri and Out-of-School Children Education — the one agency that exists specifically to solve this — was handed N8.4 billion not for schools, not for feeding programs, but for road construction in states that have nothing to do with its mandate. Fiscal watchdogs called it exactly what it looks like: an education emergency turned into a patronage slush fund.

Not everyone agrees where the blame sits

To be fair, not every voice frames this as elite hypocrisy alone. Former Emir of Kano Sanusi II has argued the real driver is poverty and lack of opportunity — a social and economic failure, not simply a moral one committed by the rich. Under that reading, the anger shouldn't stop at "hypocritical elites" — it has to extend to the entire economic system that leaves poor families with no alternative but to hand their sons over to a Mallam and hope for the best.

So Nairaland, I ask you honestly

If Almajiri education is genuinely sacred and valuable — why does nobody with money and power choose it for their own children? And if it isn't, why does anyone with the power to end it keep calling it untouchable?

Somalia will be better than Nigeria - Nnamdi Kanu

FlamingBulb:
This morning, I saw my 4 years old son holding a 20 Naira note as he was getting ready for school.

Curious, I asked, "Where did you get that from?"
"It's mine," he replied confidently.

I smiled and asked, "Oh really? What work did you do to earn it?

Without hesitation, he said, "Mummy gave it to me.

Trying to tease him a little, I said, "So you're taking it to school to buy some goodies and enjoy yourself?

He looked at me and calmly replied, "It cannot buy anything.

That one sentence stopped me in my tracks.
I looked at the 20 Naira note over and over again, trying to think of what it could buy here in Ikeja, Lagos.

The truth hit me hard almost nothing. For a moment, I felt overwhelmed with emotion.
Then my mind traveled back to the 1990s.

Back then, the same 20 Naira was enough for my father to leave us money for breakfast. We could buy pap, akara, and sugar, or even share cooked rice sold for 5 naira per plate among four of us.

In those days, if a student was caught with 20 naira in school between 1993 and 1995, it was considered a lot of money.
The principal would probably want to know where it came from, and your parents might be invited to explain.

I also remembered attending a government school in Northern Nigeria. After graduation, when I went to collect my testimonial, the fee was just 15 naira.

Today, 20 naira can barely buy anything.
It's amazing and heartbreaking how much the value of money has changed within a single generation.

What was once enough to feed a family breakfast is now almost insignificant.

Sometimes, it takes the innocent words of a child to remind us just how much the world has changed.

It's both heartbreaking and eye-opening. Inflation has quietly turned what was once real money into almost a symbolic note. Many of us grew up seeing ₦20 as enough for breakfast or school snacks, but today's children see it as something that "cannot buy anything." It's a reminder of how much the cost of living has changed and why so many families are working harder just to maintain the same standard of living. I only hope the next generation gets to experience a stronger economy than the one we're leaving them.

I saw a comment recently that stopped me — someone said "we've normalized checking Twitter before traveling by road, the same way people check weather forecasts." And it's true. Insecurity has become such a constant backdrop to daily life here that we've built entire routines around avoiding it, instead of actually expecting it to be solved.

Let's talk about it honestly.

Insecurity now touches almost every region, differently

Banditry and kidnapping in the Northwest. Herder-farmer clashes across the Middle Belt. Insurgency still lingering in parts of the Southeast. Kidnapping-for-ransom along major highways nationwide. Cult clashes and armed robbery in various urban centers. It's not one crisis — it's several, running simultaneously, each with its own root causes, and that's part of why it feels so overwhelming to solve.

The government's response often feels reactive, not preventive

A tragic incident happens, gets attention (sometimes only because it trends), officials issue statements, security is "beefed up" temporarily in that specific area, and then attention moves elsewhere until the next incident. Communities often say the same thing — help arrives after the damage is done, rarely before.

Underfunded, under-equipped security forces are part of the story

To be fair to those on the ground, a lot of security personnel are working with limited equipment, low morale, and are massively outnumbered in some regions relative to the terrain they're expected to cover. This isn't just a "government doesn't care" issue — it's also a genuine capacity and resource problem that's been building for years.

Distrust runs in both directions

Communities sometimes hesitate to share information with security forces due to fear of leaks or complicity by bad actors within the system. Meanwhile, security forces sometimes struggle to build trust in communities that have historically felt neglected or even mistreated by state actors. That mutual distrust makes coordinated solutions harder to build.

Poverty and insecurity feed each other

A lot of recruitment into banditry and violent groups is tied to poverty, unemployment, and lack of opportunity, especially among young men in already neglected regions. Without addressing the economic drivers alongside the security response, it becomes a cycle — more poverty, more recruitment into criminality, more insecurity, less investment, more poverty again.

Citizens have started adapting, quietly, on their own

Convoy travel instead of solo road trips. Avoiding certain routes at certain times. Community vigilante groups filling gaps left by formal security. Private security spending increasing for those who can afford it. All of this reflects citizens essentially building their own safety nets because they don't fully trust the system to protect them.

Politicization makes honest conversation harder

Every security failure often gets filtered through a political lens — used to attack opposing parties, downplayed by those in power, or turned into ethnic/religious blame games — rather than approached as a shared national problem requiring shared solutions across administrations, regions, and political lines.

This isn't a simple "government is doing nothing" story either

There have been operations, task forces, and interventions in various regions over the years, some with real (if partial) success. The honest picture is complicated — some progress in specific areas, persistent failure in others, and an overall sense among many citizens that the pace of improvement doesn't match the scale of the problem.

I think part of moving forward starts with holding this conversation without reducing it to simple slogans either way — it's not as simple as "government doesn't care" nor is it fair to say "nothing is being done at all." The reality sits somewhere in the difficult middle, and pretending otherwise doesn't help solve it.

How has insecurity personally changed the way you or your family live day-to-day? And do you think the situation is genuinely improving, staying the same, or getting worse where you are? 👇

Boxnaijatv:
We've all done it. Saw the sign clear as day, felt that small alarm go off somewhere in our chest, and still convinced ourselves "maybe it's not that deep" or "people can change." Then months (or years) later, we're sitting there like "ah ah, but I saw this coming now."
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‎Let me start us off honestly:
‎
‎For me, it was someone who talked badly about every single one of their exes — like every single one was "crazy," "toxic," or "the problem." At the time I thought "ah, this person has just had bad luck with people." Fast forward into the relationship myself, and guess who eventually became "the crazy ex" in somebody else's story? Should have picked up on that pattern immediately — when everyone before you is "the problem," you're just next in line, not the exception.
‎
‎Some common ones I've seen people mention over time:
‎
‎🚩 "I don't really have close friends" — and thinking it makes them more focused on you, when really it can mean isolation later
‎🚩 Love bombing early — excessive attention, gifts, "I've never felt this way before" within the first few weeks
‎🚩 Getting weirdly upset over small things very early — a preview of how conflict will actually be handled later
‎🚩 Money inconsistencies — vague about income, spending habits, or debt, brushed off as "we'll figure it out"
‎🚩 Watching how they treat waiters, drivers, or people who "can't do anything for them"
‎🚩 Jealousy disguised as "I just love you too much"
‎🚩 Anger issues explained away as "I'm just passionate" or "that's just how I am"
‎🚩 They talk about family in a way that quietly foreshadows exactly how they'll eventually treat you
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‎The scary part isn't that we don't see these signs. Most of us do. We just talk ourselves out of taking them seriously — "maybe I'm overthinking," "nobody's perfect," "the good outweighs the bad right now." And by the time the red flag fully reveals itself, we're already emotionally invested, sometimes years deep, sometimes with kids or finances tied in.
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‎So let's hear it — what red flag did YOU see clearly, ignore anyway, and later regret not taking seriously? Doesn't have to be dramatic, even the "small" ones that turned out to matter a lot. Let's help someone reading this recognize theirs before it's too late 👇

Mine was poor communication. Anytime there was an issue, they would either go completely silent or avoid the conversation until I was the one apologizing just to restore peace. I dismissed it as "they just need space." Later, I realized you can't build a healthy relationship with someone who refuses to communicate. Problems don't disappear because they're ignored—they only grow bigger. That was a red flag I wish I had taken seriously from the beginning.

lilyheaven:
Before, I married my husband 10years ago, he wouldn’t touch me, when I asked him why? He said he was not coming for sex but marriage, I viewed it as a respect.
Then we got married, established coitus, had our first child after one year I took in again, and that was it,,, we didn’t have it anymore until 6 years after it happened again and I took in, one day I told him I would like to go for family planning, he replied me straight, that they won’t be need for it because they won’t be sex again.
I got dumped, this is one year already, not even a hug.
I feel like the house nanny, every night I feel hurt, I have begged, but he said I should reserve my energy. That he doesn’t want to kill me with sex, I don’t even know what that sentence means.

This goes far beyond a low sex drive. The bigger issue is the complete lack of intimacy, communication, and concern for how it's affecting you. Marriage isn't just about living under the same roof or raising children—it's also about emotional and physical connection.

You shouldn't have to beg for affection or feel like a housekeeper in your own marriage. Since this has gone on for years, it's important to have an honest conversation and, if he's willing, seek professional marriage counseling together. If he refuses to engage or explain what's really going on, you deserve clarity. No one should be left feeling rejected and alone in their own marriage. I hope you both can get to the root of the issue rather than continue suffering in silence.

mirrael68:
Quite interesting view here. Thank you.
However, the problem is not that marriage is hard, the problem is that people are naturally selfish and think they can succeed in marriage unchanged, for marriage requires lots of sacrifice. It's in sowing into your spouse that you reap. As simple as that.
God designed the marriage institution basically for companionship so the couple can share in his love together as one and provide the model environment to raise children when he gifts them. And also show case his love to their world.
These days people think they can plant corn and harvest big big tubers of yam. Impossible! For a marriage to work you must make your spouse your priority above your family, friends, culture, work, etc. Two of you must act as a single unit. Of course even emotional infidelity should never be mentioned near any of you.
Marriage can be sweet and even blissful but that will depend on the couple or on one spouse who understands that even he/she can pay the price, sometimes for years to turn the home around. .
Every living thing responds to love, eventually. So who Is ready to keep giving? Love is not only a feeling, love is a decision to keep to the marriage covenant come what may. And that's not easy. Only God can help one.
Also Christian marriage is for life! Should your life be threatened by an abusive or violent partner you can separate and live single, but there is no divorce ( read Matt. 19) and you can't remarry while the other spouse is still alife.
So you see, you must think deeply and prayerfully before you take the plunge.
Still no matter what to find, if you are ready to slug it out in prayers with God, He will show you how to thrive but you must be sincere, faithful ( even to an unfaithful spouse) and be ready to make lots of sacrifices which involves suffering, but Jesus will help you carry the yoke.
Marriage is beautiful and it's from a beautiful, merciful God.
So let's get it right. Failures by many couples can't be the determinant that marriage is difficult and people are just enduring. There are more marriages doing well everywhere.
You can make yours one of such.
Greetings to all married couples.
It can be sweet. It is sweet.

Thanks for sharing your perspective. I agree that marriage requires sacrifice, commitment, forgiveness, and putting your spouse first. Those qualities are essential for a healthy relationship.

That said, I also think sacrifice should be mutual. One person cannot keep giving indefinitely while the other keeps taking. Love thrives where there's respect, accountability, and effort from both partners. Faith and prayer are important for many couples, but they shouldn't be used to excuse abuse, manipulation, or persistent neglect.

Marriage can indeed be beautiful, but it works best when both husband and wife are equally committed to building it together.