₦airaland Forum

Exactly my thot process. I am not one to make rash decisions,that is why I am taking my time. I also see it as very out of character for him to lie about such an important issue. He has a reputation of being pragmatic, careful and very trustworthy so I am goingg to see what he has to say.

Chiefpriest1:
Duwop,my sister, this is not the time to take any irrational decision based on what a few persons (on and offline) are pushing you to do. This requires thoroughness. For you to have even investigated his background means you are neither dumb nor stuupid. I ll advise you dont take decisions, especially one as important as this,based on assumptions.

Make sure you cover all the angles, all the sides to this issue before you 'move on'. Nobody can understand the situation better than you.

I am sure he has an explanation. Give him the benefit of the doubt when he comes over this weekend. Listen with an open mind. You can only walk away when you are convinced that he's lying to you.

I am not holding brief for him, but it also possible that he didnt respond because he was shocked by the fact that you were conducting a check on him when he expected you to trust him.

Just a lil advice: pls make sure you thrash out all the issues before any intimacy, thats if its going to happen that day. This is because sexx has a way of blurring ones reasoning.lol

Whatever it is, it is your decision to take and you are the one that ll live with it. Goodluck and I pray this ends well.

NB: there might be no need to speak directly with the other woman unless you think its absolutely necessary.

Hmmmm well tthought out advice. News reaching me now is that it was n error as there r two people with d same name in the company. The other is an older guy n his married. But we plan to discuss over d weekend. I ll decide after d talk. Thanks for d pep talk.

kenny987:
Kai! But some ppl sef! No more respect for marriage n traditional rites. How can a man go n perform trad rites n marry a woman when his family is totally against it? if he was so sure he was making d right choice why is he nw looking for anoda lady to marry? When we don't honour our parents who've walked dis earth b4 us, dis is d kind of mess dat happens.

@op: Since he can't even be honest n come clean or make urgent moves to clear d air if it's a mistake, I think u should gently pack ya load and ensure ur legs hit d back of ur head while u scram!

Lmao! I actually found dis hilarious!!!

aisha2:
Leave her to be doing James Bond. She asked the man himself when he shoukd be rolling on the floor begging for forgiveness and blurting out explanations sensible and insensible the man didnt even feel she deserved a response na nairalanders she want make we teach her james bond. Shebi na me wan help her get company file find the man wife number?

Later when she has ignored all this and married him they will fill nairaland with pity parties scaring younger ones off marriage.

Yea u r right. Just a lil tough as I am only human. But I am working on it.

otunbateekay:
op...you said he was not responsive when you asked him.

That's a red flag Right there.

Secondly why would you want to enquire from the wife or ex wife?

its pointless.

please...walk away, my 50 cents.

Logical points. Taken.

bellong:
Why are you looking for his ex-wife?

What if the poor lady is trying hard to leave his memory behind her? It wouldn't be nice and appropriate of you to reawake a forgotten nightmare of hers.

There's nothing you need to hear from her. It makes no logical sense quizzing her. Leave her out totally of your quest.

Knowing some deep things do not always require the celestial or supernatural. Paying attention to details is enough to unravel secret things and prevent future dilemma.

If he is working in Nigeria, I don't think our tax system is sophisticated enough to be claiming incentives for wife and children. So, he has no basis to falsify that info.

If the record was an error, what stopped him from discussing it with you when you raised it? If he is doing this, how will he be handling conflicts if/when you eventually marry?

The decision is yours. You know what you want but in your quest, please leave the lady out of it. Whatever anyone will or already advised you, you have no business with the lady nor she with you.

I already wrote above that I have met his dad and uncle and friends. His dad absolutely adores me but his mom passed away 11 years ago. His uncle is a lagos socialite and always invites me and bf out to events all d time.
I think d more pertinent point here is learning how to communicate and work on issues and settng up a solid foundation. So I see what u r saying in dat regard.

chaircover:
There is really no point bothering yourself looking for information
He is the one who should be giving you that information without you even having to ask him
Even if you end up marrying him, how will you both communicate important issues?
As for tracking down the other woman . . . .why would you want to do something like that? Dont put yourself that low. She may have moved on, besides, it wont change anything and if your fiance wont tell you anything, then why should she?

I know that breakups are hard, but if you were to be honest to yourself, the odds arent looking too good and you cant really build anything substantial on such a shaky foundation

Have you met these parents that were so against the other lady? do they like you? or he hasnt bothere introducing you to them. How do you even know that he is telling you the truth about the "no family engagement" . . you were not there so you dont even know if thats the truth

Which is one of d reasons I want to talk to d girl. Basically its just for closure because I am leaning more towards walking away too...but I am curious to know what happened in their relationship/marriage. I have a feeling it had to do wwith child birth or perhaps bad behavior from either of d parties. The dude has a lot of endearing qualities but I cannot bank on dat given this heart wrenching info. You don't throw d child out with d bath water. I m 25 by the way, so I still have time...I am not in a rush just need more info.

thorpido:
Something is definitely not right about this.
Take your time and get to the root of it.

How do u know if we have ever lived together or not? You seem to have all d answers based on assumptions. Wonder what kind of advice u give to ppl who r already in trouble who seek ur help. U ask them if they r stupid? Or u hold their hand and give a shoulder tell them things wwould work out eventually.u appear very bitter

Kanwulia:
Are you for real 'chair'?
The man may have been THE ONE TO HAVE HAD A LUCKY ESCAPE!
This OP na STALKER o!
She wan go meet the 'ex-wife' for 'CLOSURE'?
This woman is living in a wonderland o.
Na real ALICE!
Long distance relationship. . . .and planning marriage?
She nor even go live observe the man for real courtship for ONE SOLID MONTH?


What kind of relationship is that?

So does anyone know if companies keep spousal records?

Yea his dad absolutely objected to d union.

thorpido:
The two points chaircover raised are my exact questions.
It's not just about if he is married or not.
My question is who is he?integrity?honesty?

He may have hired some people to pose as his family members.Some people have done that.

Yea, I actually considered that but I doubt it but who knows? I am doing some more digging and leaning towards a break up.

bestestgirl:
Have you considered that he lied in the HR records in order to get some tax relief/dependent allowance? Do some more digging Sis, go and look for his name in Registry records, ask and ask again, activate your Sherlock Holmes mode, this is a lifetime bondage commitment you are talking about here o

I don't understand your predisposition to insults. However, thanks for ur opinion. If anyone is emotional, it would be you. I am looking at this from all angles in order to form a conclusive opinion. Desperatio is far out of d question.

Kanwulia:
Did you read what you wrote on NL?
What other proof do you need?
When he abandons you at the shrine or alter of matrimony. . . you will call him a wicked man.
MEN ARE NEVER TRUTHFUL TO EMOTIONALLY-FRAGILE WOMEN LIKE YOU. . . .because THEY FEAR THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR DEGENERATE/PSCHOTIC LEVELS OF DESPERATION FOR MARRIAGE AT ALL COSTS!


The handwriting is on the wall. . . but you have REFUSED to read the message.
The reasons men take women like you for rides is because YOU WILL NEVER ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE NOT WANTED. . . .
You choose to dig in EVEN WHEN YOU HAVE ALL THE PROOF YOU NEED!

NO MAN IN AFRICA HAS ONLY ONE GIRLFRIEND BEFORE OR AFTER MARRIAGE. . . unless he is IMPOTENT!

Please, respect yourself! It may save your life!



I am really ashamed for you!

Is this a matter of DESPERATION or STOOPIDITY?

I met him through a very close guy friend of mine who has known him for 7yrs so dat is why I doubt this marriage info but who knows? He might not have told anyone about his marital life since his so quiet and no family attended d wedding. Its just weird.
I don't think my friend would willingly deceive me into dating a married dude. I have asked my friend and he is very shocked because he sees my bf daily and there is no lady at his house.

Hello guys,

I ll appreciate no bashing pls as this is a delicate issue. I feel really broken already. So I have been dating this guy long distance for almost 2yrs...he is based in Abuja while I am based in Lagos..he is very quiet, and I have met his friends, father and uncle (his mom is late and his siblings are far away-abroad).
We have started discussing tying the knot so my family commenced on a background check and we found outthat he is married based on HR records at his company (a bank). However, truth be told, he did tell me he had a trado marriage(engagement) which none of his family members attended cos they did not approve of the girl...but they lived together and she walked away some months after.
I am not sure if this HR record means he actually had a real wedding/court (which would mean he is still married but his wife is no longer with him) or if it means he considered d traditional marriage a real marriage even thoiugh his dad and siblings didn't attend.

I raised d issue with him and he is not responsive.
So my question now is how do I get spousal information...do companies keep this info?I would like to contact the ex wife/wife to find out what really happened so I can get some closure and keep it moving.

Thanks