₦airaland Forum

@fellis, how didi u figure that out. i had to open a new account in order to post this. na wa o.seems nairaland has deactivated my account

We strodeinto the place. I was feeling slightly awkward. I was still obsessed with hersize somewhat. I tried to make light conversation. That didn't work out toowell. It was almost as if she had bumped into me cos she kept looking around asthough she were searching for somebody else. I joined her in looking around. Bythe time we had seen everything there was to see, I calmly suggested we get something to drink.

We wentupstairs to an eatery I had spied earlier on and she requested for ice-cream. Shedid this while complaining about her weight. I thought that was strange.Personally, I don't take stuff like thatso I paid a hefty 500bucks for one flimsy cup of ice-cream that looked like itcontained more raw sugar than cream. Of course they gave the thing an exotic name.Something with a v.

We took aseat and made small talk while she ate the thing. I mentally counted how manyspoonfuls were in that cup to warrant my 500 bucks. I didn't get up to fifteen.Let me give you an idea of how it went

"This thingis too sugary", she remarked whiletalking a mouthful.

I acted asthough this were some incredible bit of info

"Really? Whatare ice-creams turning to these days?"

I took agood look at her while saying these. She had fat arms. They looked likedbranches from a water bed, she being the waterbed, of course.

"I think amtoo fat"

"I swear, Idon't think so"

"Really. Iwant to slim down, so am watching what I eat"

If watchingwhat she ate meant she could inhale this ice-cream with no restraints I wonderedwhat she ate before, live pigs and a jug of groundnut oil?

"You arenot that fat, just rubbery". I said thelatter under my breath.

"wot?!" shehad heard. Crap. shud ave realised fat made for more efficient inner ear vibration.Had to think fast

"I said, you are just slightly chubby"

"Oh.so wotare you doing now?"

"ampreparing to graduate"

"So you area graduate!"

I shook myhead mentally and nodded visibly.

just then, two dudes from school passed by.damn! I saidhello. they replied and looked with curiosity at the girl. maybe they actuallythought I was crazy to be talking to the chair. I couldn't blame them, the chair was fat. i hoped nobody I knew wouldsee me here.

she had been on shades all along, so I made a request to see her eyes. she began removing them. I am quite happy to say that she had the most beautiful eyes I had yet seen. you know those cat-eye thing tha twas familiar to the Egyptians, she had them naturally. I was impressed, this might actually work.

the rest ofthe conversation breezed. beneath all that layer of solid oil was a wonderfulgirl, I 'd prob like to know her better.

"am done", shesaid, putting down the cup on thetable.i glanced at it.

it wa sstill half full.

270 naira.

plus theprice of the cup.

This girlis a robber.

i resistedthe urge to climb over the tacle and strangle her while screaming, "do you know what I went through to borrowthat money you just burnt!.do you?. you shall pay for this with your life, you whale-sized piece of female humanity(had aconvo today with sewa. she said she didn't like the B word. please fit it in atyour convenience)"

a sense ofcivilisation prevented me. I smiled while my brain boiled.

"Ok, Then.You didn't finish your ice-cream".

"it's toosugary", she replied. I smiled, theangel of perfect understanding.there was prob a halo around my head. the devilwould have been proud.

I slid outof the couch and stood up while I guided her out of hers. didn't want to takeany chances. she might fall and spill. didn't have money or type to takesomeone to the clinic downstairs. it prob cost an arm and a leg for bandagesalone.

we took a leisurely walk about the complex till we gotto the elevator. I had never been in onebefore and I forthrightly told her so.

she calledme a bush man.

i smiled.strike two.

we got intoit. there was one other occupant. she looked like a hairdresser(those Yorubagirls with a lot of lipstick and a constantly bad hair day). I discovered thatthe whole box was reflective inside.i immediately got vain about my appearancewhile she watched me silently.

Then the elevator began to move. I had forgotten to steel myself for the shock.

With the slight jolt, i felt like I was going to drop one there inside that box. myinside nearly came out through my anus. I lost my balance and was lucky shequickly caught me while singing for all the world to hear that I jus came fromthe village. the hairdresser smiled. I broke out in a slight sweat, embarrassed. strike three.

The doorsslid open and I was more than happy to scramble out. what if I had farted rightthere?, the door would have opened to three unconscious bodies.

As weneared the boutique at the far end of one hall, a dude with a big production-type camera askedme if I cud hold still for an interview that will be aired.

i imaginedmy father watching the evening news and suddenly seeing me on TV when I wassposed to be at school. I imagined the layout of the Bill-of-Disinheritance notificationthat would be delivered to my room at school. I politely declined. after a fewmeters she stopped suddenly

"my leggings are coming loose", she intoned, not in the least bit embarrassed

I hoped shewudnt ask me to help her pull it up in front of all those self-respectingvisitors. she didn't, but she didsomething infinitely more embarrassing

(she was wearinga short gown which ended mid-thigh and a leggings which had this loop thatreached under the soles of her feet on which she had on a gladiator-typesandal. oh plus a massive abortion belt, perhaps to hold all that stomach in)

she reached under her clothes and grabbed the top of the leggings, then did the abominable thing of lifting herinto the air and kicking out, sort of like kicking a 1-foot tall child in thehead while holding your waist.

i ease daway from her so that I would not be associated with this creature. a couple ofpple were puzzled at her behaviour. I took on the expression of puzzlement too so that I didn't appear the escort of this bush girl and thus have the right to act amazed. when she was thru with all that kicking in the centre of the hall, shelooked up at me. I smiled, came over andtook her hand. we continued the leisurely walk.

after a bit, I had to pee, so I excused myself to theurinal. I did the job and shook once for the bulk and once again for theremainder. on my way out I saw that the guy that had just finished before me wasusing one of those dryers to wash his wet hands. I had only seen them in movies. I didn't think Ihad any germs in my pee so I had bener made it a point to wash my hand afterpeeing, but I didn't want to appearuncultured to this fine gentleman, I walkedover to the dryer beside, washed myhands with the tap underneath it andsuddenly realised I didn't know how to turn it on. I figured I looked like astupid German shepherd dog right about then. after two seconds, i gathered upthe courage, it was easy cos he was much older.

"am sorry, how do you turn this on?"

"you don't".that was ll?

"youdon't?", I asked sheepishly

"just putyour hand under it". I did and out came the hot air.

as he wasleaving, i said something to the effect that the type I was used to wasprobably an old model. I didn't want to appear too ignorant you see.

i met upwith my date. she already appeared fatter. I wondered again about theice-cream, you never know.

we continued with a lot of date-type conversation, girlfriends and boyfriends and all. she texther cousin that she was with me. the girl replied asking if I was a handsomedude. I saw the text. She replied.dont ask me wot.

The rest ofit went by pretty good, thank God she was an avid conversationalist. That'senough for me.

There wasthe arcade game station where I couldn't resist holding her by her waist coseveryone else was doing same. Actually because I wanted to measure something.that was when I realised I wudnt be able to get a finger under her belt becauseit was so tight(sure hope that didn't come out wrong).

There wasthe Koko lounge reputed to be owned by dbanj. it was really classy amd we werewelcomed by a guy with a wide smile. she wanted alcohol but the place smelledas if there was a cigarette smoking contest on. I couldn't bear it. Plus shetot I was really jokin when I told her Ididn't drink.

a jewellerystore. God! I had never seen somebody with more penchant for window-shopping. Shelooked at everything

Then therewas the computer store, my favourite part, whereI first laid eyes on theapple imac that is my dream system. glorious. She keptranting in the background about the blackberry and nokia, but she could havebeen talking to a tree.

Theescalator ride. my first. Hers too. stuff was exhilarating. I had to climb backdownstairs and do it all again. she looked like she had belly trouble duringthe ride. she was scared of the thing but comfortable in elevators. food forthought.

She cudnthave food for thought. she would gobble down.

I met three more students from school. thankfully we were just acquaintances.

there was alittle cute confectionary, she wantedmeat pie . I wanted a bar of Twix. I paidand waited. the woman didn't give me any change. I slid away. Thieves.

she spied asister of a friend and regaled me with gossip. fortunately we both agreed thatthe girl was butt-ugly .damn! I nearly choked on the twix. there should be Ugly Pageants.

we even tooka picture together. I gave her a copy. She still has it. I lost mine thatevening. hope it would not find its way to a native doctor. Am really not inthe mood to be bewitched.

it was allfun anyway and we were reluctant to call it an evening,