₦airaland Forum

Hey Dave, Please check your yahoo mail; you have many unreplied mails there. Kindly reply. Pleeeaaase, my guy.

Kimbaby,
I feel sorry that you're pushing your marital problems (which is minor compared to the average types in our society's) to get out of hand. I hope my words will penetrate and make you wake up and fight for the survival of your marriage

First you need to be sincere about your true objective in your online complaints. Are you more interested in a public opinion judgement of your husband or a genuine desire to solve your marital problems?

Remember he hasn't told us his own side of the story.

From your posts (and your replies to the great advice from some posters on this topic) you have clearly demonstrated you're neither mentally ready for marriage nor good in managing a male-female relationship. In order for you not to ruin your life I suggest you do away with the infantile threats and plans to abandon your matrimony as soon as you improve your lifestyle and looks.

You declared in some of your posts that you didn't like your hubby from day one. Yet you failed to tell us why you married him.

You admitted you hubby was very good to you in your marriage until your first child was born. While you were quick to attribute his change of character to your post-delivery weight gain, have you bothered to know whether your attitudes actually drove him into such behaviours?
You seem to know very little about men.

Although I don't know you and so cannot accurately describe your personality but your posts are awash with evidences that you exhibit multiple symptoms of serious inferiority complex. How many times have you used the difference in your parental backgrounds as a way of making him feel inferior? Yet he feeds and pays for the cost of your upkeep and that of your baby. Another classical sign of  this psychogenic malady is your complaint about his having 'enjoyed' pre-marital fun for 20yrs while yours was 'only 5yrs'. Can you explain such a petty jealousy amidst your prevailing family crisis? Can you also tell us why you must envy your hubby's good looks (as you vividly portrayed in your posts), instead of being proud of being his wife? Another of such symptoms is your obvious low self esteem, esp your persistent lamentation about your fat physique, even when you're reluctant to improve your image.

In what ways do you consider your hubby's younger brother a better father than him? I wish you wouln't be so careless in your marriage. Did you tell him this in his face?

Worst still, you seem to join many misguided pro-western ladies in behaving as if marriage is a competition between the hubby and wifey. Do not let such destructive neo cultures of the western world to ruin your marriage! Marriage ought to be and shall remain complementary between the spouses. Check out your Holy Bible! Haven't you heard about the secret that makes men to be ready to die in protecting the interest of their wife and children? It's love, my dear.

From your story about a likely angry reaction of your husband if he would see you spitting in a cup as his friend's wife did, it seems your domestic or personal sanitary etiquette disgusts him. Instead of complaining about such reactions have you worked hard to improve yourself and home?

Methinks you have allowed some of the shortcomings of your personality (low self esteem? laziness? low IQ? self-centredness? self-rightousness? envy? etc) to induce much inferiority complex in your psyche. Perhaps you eventually and inadvertently directed the over-compensatory syndromes (attitudes) of this complex towards your husband. Those attitudes, in addition to some other minor disappointments he was facing in your marriage, probably succeeded in turning him off you and he decided to seek solace and excitment elsewhere.

My point is that most men (including your hubby) will not despise their wife simply because she got fat after their first child, if there's no accompanying repulsive attitudes from her.

I advice  that you should work seriously on your behaviours towards your husband.
Read a lot of good books on sustainable happy relationships and marital life. Open your mind to learn new things about life.
Seek private counsel from some experienced/knowledgeable female posters  who have offered great advice to you on this topic (eg Chaircover, Iranoladun Akuviv, etc).

Beware of the destructive advice of some unfortunate individuals who exhibited their shallow mindedness in this thread by encouraging  you to divorce your husband,  Divorce without your satisfactory hard work in saving your marriage may wreck your life.

The fact that your husband is no more attending church service regularly or at all should not be a topic for nagging or complaint when your relationship has gone so bad. Wisdom demands you should focus more attention in winning your hubby's love back. Endeavour to understand the Holy Scriptures better!! Parochial religiosity should not take the place of tolerance and patience in this situation. It's possible your attitude, which he may perceive as self-righteous, is driving him away from the church.

Try  to love your husband. I'm sure you'll receive ten times more if you can genuinely  love, care, respect, honour him with all your heart. Develop a more understanding and  sensuous style of communication with him.

I wish you God's wisdom and eternal blissful matrimony.

chaircover:
My dear I think that I can see the problem. You went into marriage with the wrong expectations. You also seem to place a very high emphasis on background. I can tell you from experience today that background has little relevance on what people can achieve in a flash.

There is a lot of new money around these days; certainly in the UK, IT made a lot of people millionaires overnight. One day they were security guards and the next minute they were CISCO & MCSC gurus earning top wages even if they all lied on their CV’s LOL

As Yoruba’s say inu ikoko dudu ni eko funfun ti jade. Sorry I don’t know the meaning of eko in English so can’t translate the saying.

I don’t know how to say this without offending you ,but you come across as feeling superior, sorry that’s a strong word and my English Grammar has deserted me this morning.

Please stop dwelling on what could have been but focus on what you currently have and what you want for the future. Yes you could have married a minister’s son but who knows, he could have beaten you black and blue every time he got high on drugs. If your husband is indeed your husband then it doesn’t matter even if he crawled out from under a stone.

In marriage, we all give up a little as that is the only way to live in peace and to enjoy it. Love your husband for what he is, you are probably indirectly telling him that he doesn’t matter or is important or not good enough for you. You may not realise that you are making him feel that way. Maybe he is always having to pussycat round you in order not to offend you until he got fed up of it and has gone rebellious on you.

Hope he doesn’t know that he wasn’t really your first choice and you preferred rich and tall men.

I don’t think it has much to do with your figure or dressing or other physical attribute but more of a psychological battle between you two. Seems like you have dented his ego and he is fighting back anyway he knows however dirty; and he is going round it the wrong way.

The ball is firmly in your court to take full control of your marriage and happiness. You can do it.

Excellent advice baby!
May you be rewarded with an everlasting happy marriage!!

NatGas:
I strongly believe in divorce.am single for now but when i get married if i realized that ma marriage is giving me problems that it should it simply file for divorce.Gone are the days when are mothers were molested and treated badly all in the name of marriage.if u are ma sister i will advice u d same thing. QUIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

With all due respect, why bother with marriage at all? Marriage ought not be compulsory nor for immatured minds. The less the rate of divprce the better for our society.

Hey Davedavy. Been trying (albeit unsuccessfully) to link you for an online chat. I also sent you two unreplied mails. Pls check ur mail. Why don't you link up with me now, even for a brief chat?

Hi Davedavy. I'm new in this stuff. I've been following some of your posts and am impressed by your views therein. I'd like to chat online (YIM) with you on other equally important topics. Pls do get get in touch with me via: franksphere@yahoo.com.