Gme01:
Nice writeup bro!! Been a fun year, met coool peeps! Great ones. But life - anyone can change anytime.
I also finished nysc this year so learning to be my own person: crazy but tough! But boy oh boy, how did our parents born n raise us na
I hate 'ageing' too jawe. Can't we be young and fly forever?

Wow,congratulations man! And you are highly welcome to the Labour market.
Good thing you met great peeps,but always communicate with them ok,cos Honesy communication is fundamental to true friendship.
As for your questions: Man oh man,they're thought provoking.
We ponder that till we raise our kids and grow old,lol.
B/w thanks for the compliment.

Gme01:
Nice writeup bro!! Been a fun year, met coool peeps! Great ones. But life - anyone can change anytime.
I also finished nysc this year so learning to be my own person: crazy but tough! But boy oh boy, how did our parents born n raise us na
I hate 'ageing' too jawe. Can't we be young and fly forever?

Wow,congrations man! And you are highly welcome to the Labour market.
Good thing you met great peeps,but always communicate with them ok,cos Honesy communication is fundamental to true friendship.
As for your questions: Man oh man,they're thought provoking.
We ponder that till we raise our kids and grow old,lol.
B/w thanks for the compliment.

I

OmolodMilkman93:
harry and his hilarious posts,...

My brother,life is too short now to dwell on the mayhems happening in the society.
So.. I write to save myself and others the stress of bothering ourselves of irrelevant things,enjoy the rest of your day Jare.

"MY ENEMIES ARE AT WORK"

A former work-mate Jay was giving me the low-down about something that happened to him recently.

A while back, he had attended an 'awesome' Halloween party, and had decided to go as a traditional masquerade. Ingenious right?

Jay brought the mask back home after the party, and hung it as a decoration on his room wall. It was a really grotesque mask – just imagine the alien’s face in the movie Predator. I chided him for hanging up the mask in his room, as it stuck out like a sore thumb, spoiling the overall décor of the place.

Fast forward, a month later, he pulled this really hot chick when he met at a wedding in Ph. They spoke on the phone for days, and then she promised to come visit him one Saturday.

Jay got the place ready for the lass’s visit. He tried to make the pad ‘condusive’.

He took out the sofa from the room, so that the girl would have to sit on the bed.

He turned down the thermostat on his split unit AC so that the place was very chilly, in case his female visitor required ‘warming’.

He ‘arranged’ condoms at every nook and cranny of his pad, to be ready whenever or wherever it went down. He put one on the bedroom dresser, put another under one of the pillows, one on the window seal, another in his pocket, two behind the television unit.

He warned the gateman not to leave his post, to prevent a mix-up.

He did some push-up, pull-ups and bicep curls with really heavy weights. Then he showered, dressed up and sprayed a healthy dose of Pleasures for Men by Estee Lauder.

The girl finally came around 2pm (African time), wearing a really smart tank top, some skin-fitting jeans and some really nice shoes. Jay was like wow! Jay said that she had a figure like a palm-wine keg. 

They chatted a bit, dug into some take-away that Jay had sent his house-boy for, and even watched a bit of the rom-com “Notting Hill”. By the time the part of the movie where Hugh Grant and Julia Robert’s characters climbed a wall into a garden came, Jay and his date had started snogging.

They were making out just fine, almost heading for a technical knock-out, when the girl looked up and noticed the mask.

Jay said that the way this girl flew out of his arms and bed was like a scene from Matrix where Keanu Reeves did a limbo type movement to dodge a bullet in slow motion.
(sorry o,I don't watch nollywood movies)

Her voice trembling, she shreiked ‘What is that? Is that ojuju?”

Jay tried to explain calmly “Nah, love. It is just a simple Halloween mask.”

The girl was not convinced. She moved towards the door. “What is a grotesque mask doing on your wall? What is it? There must be something wrong with you”

Jay tried to explain to this chick and allay her fears. She nor gree o. The die was cast – she even refused to finish the movie. After a while, she received a ‘phantom’ call from her bestie, and said she had to meet her cousin in Rumuokwuta. She bounced out of the crib like she was running from something.

Jay was left with a bruised ego and the damn mask on the wall. He took it down from the wall, and hung it in his living room instead. Let it bother uninvited guests now instead. Like the landlord and his agents.

In Nigeria, people dey fear. And most tragedies are usually blamed on one’s perceived enemies. If a politician got caught in EFCC’s net for misappropriating public funds; he would usually blame it on perceived enemies who are ‘intimidated by his profile.’

A neighbor’s son got caught with stolen car parts. His ma threw herself on the floor, rolling as she cried '‘My enemies have finally gotten me. Mo ti ku o…”

And at that point, I felt like defending her so-called enemies. I could swear I never saw anyone else with her son, when he living it up, blowing money fast. Even his friends would have been weak.

There was a program on TV sometime where a guy said he had just recovered from an ailment. According to him, he had ‘stepped’ on poison which had been an entrapment by his ‘enemies’, and had fallen ill. And I am like, wait a Nigerian minute (which is long by the way if you add African time), which one is ‘step on poison’ again? I never knew people could actually ‘step’ on poison? I thought they just put it in your food or beer, when you stepped away briefly to the loo. Or is there Wi-fi or Bluetooth poison now? But it made me realize how Nigerians feared their enemies.

Sometimes in some quarters, if a person bought a new/used (or Tokunboh or Belgium) automobile in Nigeria, family members would gather and make professions, pouring libations on the tires to ward off enemies.

May you trample over your foes with these big-ass 17 inch rims.

May you never ride shot-gun while your enemies are handling the steering wheel. If it is my Bentley, I don’t mind actually.

May you see your enemies in your rear-view and never with your head-lights.

May your enemies be forever in your boot, but never in your bonnet? Don’t say amen here o. Some Ferraris and Lambos have their engines in the trunk instead.

Someone even prayed: May you never go backwards as you drive this car. All well and good, but you still need to reverse out of this tight-ass parking lot after these prayers end.

At church you could see members of the congregation tapping away on their blackberry or catching 40 winks(sleeping) or scoping flesh lustfully, but as soon as the pastor starts prayers binding and destroying enemies, everyone springs to attention with the chorus of a resounding Amen! And why not; your enemies may park behind you on the church car park, and be no-where to be found after service ends to start with.

If every person has enemies, then that means everyone is somehow an enemy to someone right? Then who are the good people then? Am I someone’s enemy even though I wish no man any evil? Haba, na wetin? My take is that everyone who has a village must have enemies.

Think well. Your enemies checked your SSCE, NECO and JAMB results before you did. They are the ones you hid information from when you got a visa for Jand (even the 3 month one).Your enemies were the last to know when you were interviewing for that choice job, but were the first to know when you landed that lucrative contract. If there is a way to trace your facebook page visitors (like Hi-5 used to have, and Linked-In does), you would see that your enemies check on you 24/7.

If the enemy of my enemy is my friend, should I really be hating and cursing him too?

All these postulations and theories are giving me malaria, abeg. As I go to cool off with some tender cow-leg pepper soup (okay this too is hot), let me pray for each and every one of my dear readers as you're about to enter the 'New Year';

May your pain be champagne.

If you are Fanta Chapman just out of the fridge, your enemies would be Limca in a 23cl ‘solo’ bottle straight from the crate.(dat drink still dey exist).

If you are a Mercedes G Wagon from a V.I. dealership, your enemies would be a Danfo Racer old model with a “For Sale” jerry-can on it.

If you are a Hollywood blockbuster starring Steven Seagul your foes would be a Yoruba movie with wrong English subtitles and gold tooth alatikas.

If you are a Celebrity poker game on ESPN, your enemies would be a local game of Ludo with 2 of the red and green seeds missing and the glass broken.

If you are a packet of Chivita juice, your enemies would be an agbalumon seed spat on the ground.

If you are a Transformers (movie), your enemies would be NEPA transformers with the mercury missing.

* Just joking, but I wish you all well. God bless.

Cc:
Safarigirl
Karchiebabe
Seun
Larrysun
D9ty7
Tosyn2much

#stillThaNewGuyHARRY#
•Chocoberry•

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Sleepless Ordeals of Nigerians


The stress levels in Nigeria can reach alarming levels. In no other nation on earth, could you experience the joys and frustrations of living at the same time. You could be stuck in gridlocked traffic, look out of your car window and see an act that would make you smile or cry this morning – like complete strangers helping a driver to jump-start a faulty car.  

We deal with so much in a typical day – traffic scrambles, work, business hustles, power outages etc etc. Insomnia, while it is a word that most may have heard about, is not something that you would ascribe to the typical Nigerian.

Here, it is presumed that once you have a roof over your head and can afford a decent Mouka or Vitafoam ‘mattrass’, then you should be able to catch 40 winks. If you  buy and lay a bed,  then you should lie on it and shut your eyes.  Only ‘winches’ and ‘armed robbers’ stay awake at night. Okay, noodles/mai-shy (fried egg) sellers do too, especially in the Rumuokoro ,Obalenda and Ojuelegba areas. In Naija, we also used to have ‘night-soil men’ who packed faeces from homes for a fee in a huge bucket, but ‘soak-away’ (septic tank) people have replaced them in most urban areas. Those night-soil men used to operate in the dead of the night because their job was really gross. Heaven help you, if you laughed or snickered at them, as they carried their load in a huge pan on their head. They would usually send a few your way.

However, I find myself up nowadays, just like last night sleepless and anxious, starring at the roof tiles and the swoosh of my Binatone ceiling fan. There are many things that would keep someone awake on a hot Nigerian night,yes..hot,forget harmattan,e no reach my side. There are many; please share yours:

Baygon ,Swan, Kill it and Shelltox defying mosquitoes singing in my ear and biting lumps out of me – I can’t go to sleep.

Noisy inconsiderate neighbors having a typical Portharcourt  party on the street, with Timaya's music blasting from huge speakers – I can’t go to sleep.

‘Man Shall Not Live By Bread’ Ministries holding a ‘By Fire, By Thunder’ revival vigil next door – I can’t go to sleep.

Armed robbers sent my street residents a notice to keep our valuables and cash ready as they are coming to make their rounds this week – I can’t go to sleep.

Armed robbers make good on their promise, and are now operating and collecting the rent and other monies in our Landlord’s ground floor apartment right now – I can’t go to sleep.

The sound of the exchange of gunfire in the distance, between SARS agents and robbers is just like a scene from Rambo 2 – I nor fit sleep o.

Our transformer blew up and has not be functional for 2 months now, so I am in pitch darkness, and starting to make out gruesome figures in the dark – how I go fit sleep?

The loud clank and stutter of my neighbour’s ‘Pure Water’ plant as he produces sachets for sale day and night in a room in his flat, in defiance of NAFDAC – I can’t go to sleep.

Free Glo midnight calls from cheapskate dates who would never spend a penny – I can’t go to sleep.

Writhing from side to side, thinking of elaborate schemes to come up with the cash to pay 2 years rent even though my salary is only paid  monthly – I can’t go to sleep.

Staying awake to check my window every now and again because the mai-guard sleeps on duty instead of doing his job – I can’t go to sleep.
 
The roar and fumes of my neighbour’s ‘I better pass my neighbour’ generator from just outside my window despite the fact we agreed that he should install a silencer – I can’t go to sleep.

The groans and moans coming from Mr. Okafor’s window as he loads his wife again for the umpteenth time this night, even though the number of children they have are almost a complete football team – I can’t go to sleep.

The putrid smell of fried fish mixed with the bad ooze of stagnant gutter coming from the opposite “Face Me, I Face You’ building – I can’t go to sleep.

Airtel sending uncountable ‘balance reminder’ or ‘marketing information’ SMS messages,even giving me Calss at all hours of the day – I can’t go to sleep.

I did the 0-1-0 diet plan today because I was too broke to afford foodstuffs – I can’t go to sleep.

They have laid off most of the workers in my department, except the Boss’s girlfriend and people from his village; I may be next – I can’t go to sleep.

Infact,Nigerians we Dey Try!

#FromaSoberNigerian#

•CHOCOBERRY•

Please,Does this phone come with a power bank?

Please,does this phone come with a power bank?

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spicy007:
@ Poster.
Rotflmao..this is one long rib-cracking story...every bit of which i can relate with.
Been in an office where all 5 types were present and in top form.
Nice one dude, u got a witty sense of humour.

Thanks for flowing with my line of thought.

Stephxoblessed:
I like you sense of humor and your writing style.

Thanks Steph

These Nigerians In My Office Sef


Who are the kinds of characters that make up a typical Nigerian office? I have drawn up a list, and I must remind you that all the incidents reported below really happened, but the names of the characters have been doctored a bit. I guarantee that everyone who has worked a 9 to 5 would be familiar with at least one of the types of characters below. Enjoy….

THE FORM ACTIVITY CHARACTER: This person loves to act as if he (or she) is carrying all the workload in the office or as if he is always super-busy to have time for his mere mortal co-workers. He normally moves at a 1000 miles per hour, making photocopies, punishing the keyboard by typing very loudly and talking loud on the phone to clients. Even a simple personal task like getting water from the water dispenser is done with much ceremony, like he is Moses about to part the Red Sea.
Yep this character loves to “form activity” but actually lacks any substance or depth to his persona. He usually gets found out at meetings where suggestions or reports are required. This is the type of dude to show up fully suited up with a big yellow tie which stops on his midriff on TGIF Dress-down day. He did get the memo/email to dress down, but his own akproko is too much.

I once worked with a Form Activist for a start-up firm somewhere in Lagos (won’t tell where). One day a higher-up was making his rounds in our department, as he was supervising some people working on a major project for a big Abuja investment firm. Mr. Form Activity was not involved in the project, but he was sitting in the corner typing away on his computer, making loud noises like it was an old Olivetti typewriter from the 80s and not a Dell PC. He was also flipping paper stacks and acting like he was drafting a new constitution for Nigeria or compiling a dictionary for Hon. Obiahiagbon. The co-workers in the office were looking at him like, what the hell is dude up to. Apart from the few guys working on the Abuja project, it was not a particularly busy day. Mr. Form Activity was acting up because the higher-up who was top director was around, and he wanted to look like an effico employee.

The director didn’t even seem to notice the effico guy as he was standing behind two of the guys working on the project, dictating what they should type and edit in the report they were preparing. They then tried to print the 1000 page report but the printer connected to the PC they were working on was jamming.

The director then uploaded the report onto the company database, and then without warning walked over to Form Activist’s desk so he could print from that computer which was connected to another printer.

Form Activist’s PC was switched off.

It could have been worse. He could have been nabbed playing Solitaire.

 

2.     JEZEBEL FEMALE WORKER: Woe betides you if this brutal female is your boss or supervisor. The female co-worker from hell is a staple of every office environment. If she is a spinster, her work becomes her life and she is impossible to work with. But wait it gets worse: if she is in a relationship, she brings all her marital baggage to the office. On the day her hubby slaps her, she comes into office and slaps every one with impossible tasks.

I once had a female Jezebel boss. All the workers were scared shitless of her. She  addressed a meeting where she announced to 20 anxious male lawyers and 2 cowering female ones: “Some of you are not pulling you weight in this organization. I have initiated Operation Shelltox. I will weed you out like I am pulling jigger (a nasty parasitic insect) from a villager’s foot. Everybody gulped – including the hard-workers. Banks were also laying off, you see.

I later realized that Jezebel boss’s husband was mighty frightened of her. He was a very meek looking geeky dude. The guy looked like he only went near her physically whenever it was time to procreate. He was a software engineer or so. He swung by the office sometimes to bring her things she had requested or to help with minor IT issues with the company servers.

There was a day he had come into the office and was working on a mainframe computer some desks away from me. We were the only ones in that section of the office as most of my co-workers were at clients or in the other section. The Jezebel Boss was in her office which was on the 2nd floor in the other side.

Then the telephone situated near the boss’s hubby started ringing. He refused to answer it. It rang like 7-8 more times, but dude ignored it. Then my own office line rang so I picked the phone up: “It is Esco. Who is this?”

It was Boss Jezebel on the line. She inquired without greeting “Esco is this how you greet clients when you answer the phone. Okay remind me to get at you later for this. Is Mr. Jezebel there?”

I replied in the affirmative. She then barked “Then tell him to pick up the bloody phone!” I placed the handset on the receiver.

Then suddenly the other phone started ringing again.

I looked at the hubby sitting next to it. He glanced at me with beads of perspiration and terror in his eyes. I had to break the bad news to him: “Kind Sir, it is your wife calling. She says you should pick up.”

Dude looked like I had just asked him to swallow a spoon of Worm medicine.

He picked the receiver with his hands jerking like he was about to disarm a Boko Haram bomb. This message will self-distruct….

3.  THE SOCIAL OLOFOFO: In every Naija office is some prick who treats office life as the epicenter of his/her social existence. This olofofo organizes the TGIF small chops and rice, or helps buy and distribute aso ebi material for any co-worker’s weddings or ceremonies. This olofofo even attends every single event from condolence visits to bereaved colleagues to house-warnings and naming ceremonies.

Fair enough, but what used to irk me is that the olofofo feels hurt if anyone was not on the same page with him. I know a dude who used to wait in the office after he had finished his tasks for the day “to soak in the environment and socialize with people from other departments.” Err, sorry that’s why it is called a 9 to 5. Left to me, it should be 7 to 3 because I would rather arrive early and leave early, but it is what it is. By the way GEJ is there any chance that you could sort this out. Maybe I should move to Spain.

My cousin who was a banker nearly got into it with a social olofofo who was always suggesting inconvenient Saturday “team-bonding” events. Seriously, no I am not waking up early again on Saturday morning, driving down Third Mainland to attend some bloody team work retreat about Better Customer Service and Marketing at Badagry Beach of all places. I need my Saturdays to do other things with my life. I don’t want you in my Saturday too.

Social olofofo looked visibly hurt: You have betrayed the circle of trust. And I have already ordered and deposited money for the small chops and paid for the canopies….

 4. THE OFFICE SUCK-UP: This one is always trying to curry favors with management, and will throw anyone under the bus to get a quick rise. They are a bit like the Form Activists except that they are more calculating and dangerous, and have a bit of a method to their madness. And their madness dey plenty.

They may usually snitch on their co-workers to higher-ups. But what gets my goat is that how they “seek perch.”

There was an instance where the Boss had just returned from an official trip to England and brought candy for the ladies and some really smart ties for the chaps. The office suck-up was a girl called Dupe, and she was really on a roll that day. She pranced around looking at everyone’s gifts, and remarking about how the Boss had very good taste, and how he must have spent a fortune. She even said she would not eat her candy as she was touched by the Boss’s kind gesture. Men, if that girl suddenly contracted Lassa Fever that day, she would have tried to touch the Boss’s garment to get healed. Na so her suck-up reach.

The Boss was now joking about his trip, and about the crooked Customs chaps at MMIA asking for egunje and things of that nature. He then said something.

Dupe suddenly burst out laughing loudly, and baring all her gnashers and rubbing her belly. If there was a raffia mat on the ground, she would have even rolled on the floor with laughter sef.

Everyone looked at her like she had kolo-ed or something.  The boss also had a confused look on his face too. Later on, the boss’s secretary came to get him, as he had a meeting.

When the boss was out of earshot, she drew me aside and asked me “What was the last thing he said. I really could not hear the joke.”

I replied “It was no joke at all. He said he lost his wallet with about 700 pounds in it, and he suspects he left it on the aircraft when he disembarked at Murtala Airport.”

Eh? Kilo wi?

5.  THE IT MAESTRO:

You had better be on the IT Maestro’s good side. Depending on where you work (State or Local Governments and “One Man Offices” do not count) the IT Maestro can hook you up with all the new tech stuff like wireless keyboards or a shiny slim PC monitor, or a printer which actually works and does not print smudged ink like Tie and Dye cloth.

If he hates your guts, you may end up with the fat old white computer with the dead pixels. Or a UPS system that works like NEPA. IT Guys have some kind of power in most offices, but they seem more power-drunk in Nigerian offices. Trust us, we like to exert authority whenever we are given lofty positions.

Before Blackberry phones became pure water in Nigeria, I know an IT guy who hooked up a female intern lawyer with access to the office server so that her work emails got pushed to her private phone. This was a privilege only the firm’s Partners enjoyed. I don’t know how she paid back that favor, but she always wore some saucy “push-up” bras to work. I am just saying o. Push me, I push you.

These IT guys always seem to work on a different time-zone from anyone. Late into the office, early out. In some companies, they are allowed to dress down, and their favorite garb are polo shirt, jeans, geeky glasses and a knapsack. They also like oily food.

Don’t let the Steve Urkel get-up fool you. These dudes are more vicious than Bola Koof.

A friend called Remi who was once competing for the affection of a sexy girl named Segi with an IT dude. They took their war to another level, but IT girl went “no-holds barred” when he discovered that Remi had taken Segi for dinner and movies at Silverbird the Saturday before.

The IT guy decided to play his ace-card. Remi was due to give a presentation on Private Equity Law in Nigeria to a bunch of Chinese clients in the office boardroom. Two of the firm partners were also going to be present along with interested workers of the firm, and these clients were a very lucrative account for the firm.

Remi had worked on the PowerPoint presentation for the best of one month, and had finally completed the slides the evening before. He set up the projection apparatus, and then the clients and firm partners came in and took their seats. Okay, educate us…

Err, when Remi tried to locate the files with the slides, they were nowhere to be found. He started to sweat profusely, and the partners looked on embarrassed as he fidgeted with the projector. As Remi struggled in front of everyone, sweating buckets, he looked up and saw IT guy seated at the back. He was not even supposed to be here.

IT guy gave him a knowing wink. Like, I don winch you today.

Remi avoided Segi like Boko Haram States after that.


~Chocoberry~

8]Why won't he just divorce rather than writing a part 1&2 epistles he wouldn't have the nerve to give to the wife.

I would personally do the handover,as in am the Middle man

Besides,the Holy Book is against divorce except on the ground of adultry.
So I won't advice that.

..

.

I miss Teddy boi...that's all I can say. That boy saved a lot of relationships before the Nairaland tsunami!

[quote
author=AmINotHuman post=28295720]Well, for all the "nice guys" out
there, no one owes you a relationship. A woman is not obligated to date
you because you managed to fulfil the basic requirement of being a "nice
guy". The real question is, what else can you bring to the table? As
shallow as this sounds, are you good-looking? Rich? Smart? Talented?
Funny? Any thing more than just being a "nice guy"?

Being a a nice guy is nothing but the bare minimum. Saying "if I were
your boyfriend, I won't treat you like that". It's not always about what
you won't or don't do ("At least I'm not like the other guys", "At
least I won't break her heart" ... and several other reasons while
you're not a bad person).

What can you contribute to her life? Women invest too much into
themselves (appearance-wise and so on) to meet a certain standard and
you have to meet up with that standard, being a "nice guy" just isn't
enough.

All in all, you can't force someone to fall for you. If a woman isn't
romantically interested in you, there's no need to force it or pressure
her or guilt trip her into dating you. It'll only make you her doormat.

I recommend this article for those who want to face the harsh realities
of life:
http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-better-person/[/quote]



If you dont want to get friend Zoned, Apply what this Bro. said,I think You'd know your Stand.

THE FLAUNTERS.
These set of individuals Show off their hiTech gadgets at any opportunity to impress or intimidate those with smaller phones.

I Vote Jennimma..

Nne Go come.

seems you Speak the Pure language?

OmolodMilkman93:
The gamer

The sleeper