BREAKING NEWS: TONTO DIKEH'S
SPECIAL "music career started n end in a
day" -
new world guiness record set by
NIGERIAN ACTRESS [TONTO DIKEH] - BM-
"I tried downloading Tonto Dikeh's
song but my phone rejected it.
My iPhone is truly a
smartphone." - sarah: Tonto Dikeh's
two tracks are
like two Bullets , One to Kill you and the
Other to Make sure you are Dead.... - AIT Reporter : Mr johnson what do
you think about Tonto Dikeh's new
singles?
Johnson: Ah! it is meant for
people
who are ready to die - Akpors- when a
DJ Played TONTO DIKEH'S song at my
grand-mother's
Funeral, my gandmum woke up frm the
dead and changed the Track

A gal realised dat she had grown hair
btwen her legs. She got worri nd asked
her mum about dat hair. Her mum
calmly said "dat part is called monkey ,
be proud dat ur monkey hv grown
hair". . . .d gal smiled. At dinner, she told her sis -" monkey hv grown hair" her
sis smiled nd said - dat's mine is already
eating bananas ,their mum fainted!

Boy : Where r u going.
Girl: To commit suicide.
Boy: and then why the make
up
on your face?
Girl: You idiot my face will be in
the newspapers
tomorrow morning

Akpors spat saliva and rubbed on his
head.

Teacher: Akpors! What stupid thing are
you doing? ...Why are you smearing
your head with saliva?

Akpors: Madam! I overheard my Mum last night telling my Dad in their
Bedroom, that if it is hard and not
entering properly, he should apply
saliva on the head and it will surely
enter!
Because what you are teaching is not entering, I have 2 rub saliva on my
head.

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Mr Akpors fiancee said to him, “Now
that we are engaged, we should start
calling each other pet names”.
He asked her,
“So what do u want to be calling me?”
She said, “I’ll be calling u TIGER”. “Why?” he asked.
“Coz u’re handsome, tall, charming,
strong,
calculating, smart & very good in
BEDmatics”. She then asked him, “What will u be
calling me?”
Mr Akpors said,
“Zebra” The lady still smiling
seductively, “Wow, that’s lovely &
sweet. Why did u choose such a lovely name?”
“Because of ur STRETCH MARKS”

An Igbo man, a Yoruba man, and a
Chinese
were having a group discussion...
A big housefly flew into the room, past
the
Yoruba man, past the Igbo man, but just as
it was about to pass the Chinese, he
caught it, put it in
his mouth and chewed it. Although
they were astounded, both the Igbo
man and the Yoruba man said
nothing... Few minutes later, another
housefly buzzed joyfully into the room,
past the
Yoruba man, but just as it was about to
pass the Igbo man, he caught it, turned to the Chinese
man and asked,
'NNA, HOW MUCH WILL YOU BUY IT?

A man is dyin of cancer,but keeps
telin pple he is dyin of AIDS. His
son asked,dad y telin pple u are
dyin of AIDS instead of cancer? He
answered,cus wen i am dead,no 1
wil sleep wit ur mum

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Little Johnny asks teacher: Excuse ma, if
you mix Omo and klin , will there be
foam? Teacher respond: Yes of course,
why ask such a stupid question at the
beginning of the year, are you going to
pass this class at all? Little Johnny laughs and whisper to the other kids,
such a dumb teacher, how can u get
foam without adding water, are we
going to know anythin at all wit dis
teacher?!

The Teacher was annoyed by little
Johnny's habit Of Farting Soo
Loud..
She Called Him in Her Office..
Teacher: Why Do you Always Fart
too Loud in Class? Johnny: Its the Only thing am Best
at!'
and No one can beat me On that..'
Johnny poured some Chalk dust
on the table And Dropped His pants,
farted and Blew almost all the Chalk
dust..
(The Teacher Became Annoyed
and Wanted to Prove to Lil Johnny that
She
can Do it Better.., she poured Some
Chalk dust, Dropped her Pants and
gave a Big Fart that Blew all the chalk
dust, leaving the Table Clean..
LIL Johnny Became soo amazed,
coz he always thought He was The
Best.. As the Teacher was Dressing,
Johnny
looked under Her and Said,
"No wonder you Have defeated
me!" Teacher asked, "Why?" Johnny said,
"You Have Two holes
Down there..!"

This exchange of letters between
Akpos and his
Aunty got me laffing
kekekekekeke like Baba
Iyabo.
Enjoy ............... ............... .......... Dear aunty Ogenekome
I be 23 years for age na and I
never see my
period
yet. My small sister na 17 years and
she don dey see her own since she been dey 13.
Shame no gree me tell my friends
because I no
know if my own na sickness or na say
my own
slow to come out because I be boy?
Yours faithfully
Akpors.
............... ............... ...... Dear Akpors,
Boys don't usually see their
periods untill they are ready to start giving birth.
I believe you should go to church
and consult with
pastors and elders let's see if they
can deliver you
from the spirit of stupidity and foolishness.
Yours pitifully, Aunty Oghenekome

Teacher: Akpors, what is the
answer to 8-5?
.
Akpors: I don't know sir !
.
Teacher: Ok let's say Iraq has 8 barrels of oil and Iran takes away 5
of them, what will be the result.
.
Akpors: War sir!

i rep jay z

A set of 7 months old twin babies in the
womb saw a Dick coming towards
them.The 1st baby said, Hey Daddy is
coming inside to play with us. The 2nd
baby replied, MUMU you have no sense!
It is not Daddy, it is Uncle. Daddy doesn't cover his face with a Nylon
when he wants to play with us.You will
see, this one will not give us ice cream
when he is leaving!!!
*******Ur boi Mc miami*******

AKPOS was hungry and went to ‘mai
shayi’ (men selling tea and bread). The following dialogue transpired
between them:
AKPOS: You get loaf of bread? ABOKI: yes AKPOS: bring one; slice am into two and
put two sachet of butter in between
ABOKI: (happy and thanking God for
bringing customer,is quickly doing as
he is instructed )
AKPOS: You get egg? ABOKI: yes customer
AKPOS: fry 6 eggs put am inside the
bread.
ABOKI: Okay customer AKPOS: You get sardin for inside
gongoni?
ABOKI: yes customer everything dey. AKPOS: put two gongoni inside the
bread.
ABOKI: Okay customer (happy and
doing as he is told, already enthusiastic
he'll make a lot of money 2day) AKPOS: you don finish? Oya press the
bread together for me.
ABOKI: See am customer, i don prepare
am finish.
AKPOS: OYA CUT N10 Naira OWN FOR ME! ;

encourage me after reading pls...thankx

A man was making love to a
village girl when she
realized
he was not using a
condom.
She asked him, "U 're not using a condom"? Man
answered, "Yes". She said, "Hope u
don't have
HIV / AIDS .
Man, "NO".
Girl: "Thanx God, i don't want to get that thing again"

*Teacher: What crops do we export to
Europe?
*Zuzu: Coffee.
*Teacher: Good. How many types of
coffee do we have in Africa?
*Zuzu: Two types. *Teacher: Very Good. What are they?
*Zuzu: Koffi Anan and Koffi Olomide

Mr. Akpor Lost His Expensive
Blackberry Phone. After 3 days, he
decided to Call his number just to Know
if it was On..
And to His surprise, the Call went
through..
Mr. Akpor : "Hello" Voice at the other End:
"hello, who am I
speaking to?"
Mr. Akpor : "You are
speaking to the
owner of That Phone..
" Voice at other
End: "Woow, you have
done soo good to call, I have Been Looking For you For the past 3 days"
Mr. Akpor: "woow, you mean you have
been looking 4 me to give back my
phone?
You are such a honest person" Voice at
the Other End: "NO! NO! I was looking For you to Give me the
Charger..!"

Teacher:
why did you laugh? Boy:
I saw a strap of your bra. Teacher:
GET OUT. No class for you for a week.
Another boy laughs. Teacher:
why did you laugh? Boy: I saw both straps. Teacher:
GET OUT. No class for you for a month.
She bends down to pick a chalk and
little Johnny starts walking out.
Teacher:
Johnny why are you going out? Johnny:
with what I saw I think my school
days are over...!!!...¥

Little Johny returns a missing
purse to the owner in a market.
The lady was so grateful
but when she looked inside,
she got confused & said,
"but I had a single one thousand naira note, now there are ten
pieces of hundred naira note,
how come Little Johny said, "it's me
who
changed, the last time when I
helped a person find purse, she said she want to give me
some... Some... Some... some...
Something but she didn't have
change."

nice one, not bad

A Yoruba man was asked to combine a
sentence with the words, GREEN,
YELLOW, AND PINK. Then the Yoruba man said, "Every time I
hear the phone ring GREEN GREEN, I
PINK it up and say 'YELLOW'."

Teacher: What is a Verb?
Akpors: A Verb is a valve found in
bicycle tyre.
Teacher: What are you saying? Akpors: It is a complete sentence sir.
Teacher: Are you mad?
Akpors: It is a question sir. Teacher: Don't be stupid.
Akpors: It is an advice sir.
Teacher: Stop that nonsense. Akpors: It is a command sir. Teacher: You're an idiot.
Akpors: It is an insult sir.
Teacher: Get out of my class. Akpors: It is an order sir.
Teacher: Oh! Goodness, What a boy!
Akpors: It is an exclamation sir. Teacher: May God have mercy on you.
Akpors: It is a prayer sir......

OH AKPORS!!! Teacher: Who is the president of
Nigeria? Akpors: I don't know madam. Teacher: U need to focus more on your
studies. Akpors: Please madam, can I ask u a
few questions. Teacher: Yes, go ahead. Akpors: Do u know Rita? Teacher: No. Akpors: Do u know Joy? Teacher: No. Akpors: Do u know Kate? Teacher: (Angry) Hell no! Who are all
these people and why do u ask? Akpors: You need to Focus more on
your husband.

BETWEEN AKPORS AND GIRLFRIEND -
EKAITTE (Phone rings) Ekaitte: Hello. Akpors: My love how are you? Ekaitte: Am fine. Akpors: Will you be less busy by the
weekend to come to my house? Ekaitte: Am sorry honey I can't make it
coz I will be attending my auntie's
wedding and the next day is the
thanksgiving in church so am occupied. Akpors: I wanted to take you out
shopping to surprise you with
Blackberry and the Brazilian hair you
have been asking for. Ekaitte: I will be coming and I may even
spend the weekend if you want my
love. Akpors: What about the wedding? Ekaitte: Which wedding? I was just
joking. Let's just go for the shopping. Akpors: WHICH SHOPPING? Was just
joking too.

Akpors came home from work last
night and said to his wife, "I have been given a huge promotion
at work which means I get my own
office and get to employ my own
private secretary". His wife replied, "Well please find an ugly Private
secretary, who doesn't have a personal
hygiene, smelly armpits and dresses
like an old woman. I don't want you to
choose someone who you are going to
be tempted to have an affair with". "That's fair enough" Akpors replied.
"When do you wanna start?" (You can send ur 'GET WELL SOON'
message to Akpors. His wife hit him
with pestel and he's on admission for
broken jaws)

A driver was driving his boss to d
airport. D boss noticed dat he 4got an
important document at home,so he
went back home. His wife was bathing
with soap on her face,d husband tip-
toed and touched her boobs,the wife responded, "have u dropped my stupid
husband so fast? Dont rush we av the
weekend 2 spend together,i am even
praying for him to av a plane crash so
dat i can enjoy u till d end of my life".
She noticed d person was quiet,she washed her face, and saw her husband
in front of her. If u are d husband wat
will u do

thanks