₦airaland Forum

Everything I Have Been Carrying

By the time you guys are seeing this post, I might already be long, long gone.

I will be dead.

It’s painful for me to say this, but honestly, I don’t know any other way I can handle everything I’m going through.

And before anybody thinks this is something I just decided today, it isn’t.

I have been thinking about this for a very long time.

I actually recorded this video a long time ago. It wasn’t something I made today. The video had already been posted before, but it was restricted.

So when you finally see this, just know that I had been carrying these thoughts for a very long time.

I’m sorry I have to do this.

I already know some people will call me a coward.

I know people will say I gave up.

I know people will ask why I couldn’t just keep fighting.

But if I could somehow tell you everything I have been through, everything I have been going through, right up until this moment, maybe you would understand me.

Because I’m going through a lot.

I’m seriously going through a lot.

And when I say a lot, I’m not talking about just one problem.

It’s not just one thing that is wrong with my life.

It feels like every goddamn thing about this life is my problem.

I’m not happy.

I’m insecure.

I’m shy.

I’m scared.

I’m broke.

I’m addicted to smoking.

I’m addicted to masturbation.

I’m addicted to patronizing prostitutes.

I can’t even afford my next rent.

I have only a few days left to sort out my rent, and I don’t even know where the money is going to come from.

It feels like nothing has ever really worked out for me in this life.

Back in school, I was the dumbest boy.

At the same time, I was the tallest.

People called me different names.

People made me feel different.

And I’ve carried that insecurity with me for years.

I was abused when I was a child.

And honestly, I don’t think I ever recovered from it.

Whatever happened to me when I was young affected me in ways I didn’t understand at the time.

Now I feel like I can’t even control myself anymore.

I’m even ashamed that I’m a human being.

That’s how bad it has gotten.

Sometimes I can barely look somebody in the face and have a normal conversation.

I’ve tried.

I have genuinely tried.

I even tried talking to a therapist.

But therapy costs money.

And when you’re already struggling to survive, paying for sessions can become another problem.

At some point I just started feeling like, bro, you have to carry your cross yourself.

I started feeling like these people don’t really care about you.

Because if they are charging you for every session, part of me just felt like, do they actually care about me?

And that’s how I started keeping everything inside.

The crazy thing is that I know I have potential.

I know I’m talented.

I’m actually very, very talented.

I know there is something inside me.

I wish I was already a tech guy, and I’m still working towards becoming one.

I’m trying to learn.

I’m trying to improve myself.

But even the craft I’m currently doing, while I’m pursuing other things, while I’m trying to survive, while I’m learning new skills, I’m actually good at it.

So it’s not even about my friends passing me.

It’s not about everybody becoming successful while I’m watching from behind.

I know I have the ability to make something happen.

If I really want to make money, I know I can.

I just need to be serious.

I need to be dedicated.

I need to stay consistent for once.

But somehow, I’ve never been able to maintain that.

I’ve tried.

I’ve failed.

I’ve tried again.

And I’ve still found myself back in the same place.

I have tried so many times to stop these vices.

I’ve tried to stop masturbating.

I’ve tried to stop patronizing prostitutes.

I’ve tried to change my behaviour.

But I keep going back.

I started masturbating when I was extremely young.

I honestly can’t even remember exactly when it started.

I was very young.

Very, very young.

I think I might have been around five.

And I believe a lot of it started because of the abuse I experienced as a child.

That experience had a very bad effect on my life.

It affected the way I understood sex.

It affected the way I behaved.

And there were times when I repeated things that had been done to me with younger people.

I have done things that I know were wrong.

I have hurt people.

I have sexually harmed younger people, including my nephew.

And there were other girls too.

I’m not saying this to excuse what I did.

I’m saying it because I didn’t understand myself.

I didn’t understand why I was behaving that way.

I didn’t even always see myself as someone doing something wrong.

I just thought maybe this was who I was.

Maybe I was simply a bad person.

Maybe I was created to be a bad boy.

Maybe there was something wrong with me from the beginning.

And I know there are people who will hear this and be disappointed in me.

I know there are people who will hate me for what I have done.

And honestly, I understand.

I hate some of the things I have done too.

My girlfriend…

I am so, so, so sorry.

I’m really sorry.

I love you.

I love you so much.

There is something I lied to you about.

I told you I had been in relationships before.

The truth is, you were actually my first girlfriend.

I had never really been in a relationship before you.

I was too shy.

I couldn’t talk to girls.

I couldn’t approach them.

I couldn’t even express myself properly.

And then you were the first person who actually said yes to me.

You gave me that opportunity.

You gave me love.

And I love you so much.

I’m sorry.

I’m so sorry.

Even while we were together, I couldn’t completely stop patronizing prostitutes.

I tried.

I swear I tried.

But somehow, I would find myself going back again.

I couldn’t understand why I kept doing it.

I was scared.

I was scared that one day I might get an infection or some sickness without even knowing it.

I didn’t want to bring something back to you.

I didn’t want to destroy your life.

Because you’re genuine.

You’re very, very genuine.

And you didn’t deserve to be dragged into my problems.

I’ve tried to stop.

I couldn’t.

I’ve tried to make money.

I couldn’t make money.

Everything my friends do, if I do am, e no go work.

If my friend does something and makes money from it, when I try the same thing, e no go work.

I will try.

Nothing.

E no go join am.

And after a while, you start wondering if something is wrong with you.

You start asking yourself why everything seems to work for everybody else but you.

Baby, I’m sorry.

I’m really sorry.

I just wanted to express everything I have been keeping inside.

I don’t want to die.

That’s the truth.

I don’t want to.

I don’t want to.

But at the same time, I have reached a point where I don’t know how to continue living with all of this.

I don’t believe in heaven.

I don’t believe in hell.

I don’t even know what happens after death.

I don’t know if I’m going anywhere.

I don’t know if I’m going to see anybody again.

I don’t know if I’m going to see my mother.

But I want my mother to know that I love her.

Mom, I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for everything I did to you.

I know I was a bad boy.

I disobeyed you.

I did a lot of things that I shouldn’t have done.

I hurt you in different ways.

And I regret it.

I regret it every day.

Every single day of my life.

My younger brother…

I’m sorry.

I know this is going to affect you.

I know this is going to hurt you.

I’m sorry.

I just wanted to make things easier for you too.

Because sometimes I feel like I can’t even help myself, so how am I supposed to help you?

I have tried to stop.

I couldn’t.

I’ve tried to get better.

I couldn’t get better.

I’ve tried again and again.

I still couldn’t get better.

I don’t want to become somebody who can’t take care of the people he loves.

I can’t take care of you right now.

I can’t give you everything you deserve.

And maybe this is my way of telling you that you have to buckle up.

You have to be strong.

You have to keep going.

Because I don’t know if I’m going to be here to do those things for you.

Bro…

I have reached a very dark place.

And I’m being serious.

I’m not saying these things for attention.

I’ve thought about suicide for a long time.

I’ve made preparations.

I’ve reached the point where I genuinely believe I might hurt myself.

That’s how serious this has become for me.

I know people may hear this and think I’m joking.

I’m not.

I’m serious.

I don’t know what else to say.

I just know that I have been carrying all of this for too long.

So this is me finally saying everything I couldn’t say before.

I recorded this on the 14th of September, 2026.

September 14th, 2026.

I made this post because I wanted the world to know what was going on inside me.

If this post is eventually seen online and it has gone viral, I want people to understand that I wasn’t okay.

I was struggling.

I was hurting.

I was carrying things that I didn’t know how to carry anymore.

And maybe, if nothing else, I hope somebody who watches this understands that people can be going through hell while everybody around them thinks they’re fine.

That’s all I wanted people to know.

I was not okay.