₦airaland Forum

Ok now i grab!

Welcome! You will have to earn your naira!

Welcome dual core! Waiting 4 the dude to respond @puskin who is a fbt militant? I think i heard this word first 4rm you.

Nothing 4 u

Another sim or another phone?

Lets see, maybe after the interview he'll reward us with brand new phones!

@genious hmmmn lets see what u got, im gonna drop the id of those scammers soon @don4life everything is happening here, @hayprof, long time how was ur exile? @all, sumthing is raining all over me!

Dusting ur one and only thread on nairaland abi? mr moderator can you please do us a favour by moving this thread to the very last page in this phone section. @emeka 7. No offence intended, come into the chat room, lets hear ur daily adventures there!

The judge asks the child "Do you want to live
with your father?". "No, he beats me." the kid
answered. "Do you want to live with your mother?"
The judge asks "No, she beats me." The kid
answered "Who do you want live with then?" The
kid answers, "Super eagles, they never beat
anybody.

Bubba's new truck

One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.

Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!"

"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.

"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want'. So I took the truck!"

"Bubba, you're a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"

BIL GATES IN HELL

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by God,

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told God. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"

"Fine" said God, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.

"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches, and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

"Oh, that was the DEMO," replied God.

The cat's diary

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow , but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released , and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe , for no

Three horrible deaths

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator , "

Disgracing the family

There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and her grandmother was concerned.

Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."

She continued, "Then he is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."

Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace your family."

With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.

The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.

She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace our family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

Ha ha ha fish and soup don finish but if ur posts reach 100, maybe something can be found for you!

@zerocool, ha ha ha i love that read the first word in every line text.

Can u rephrase ur question to make it clearer? who locked the phone, and with what password?

Can u rephrase ur question to make it clearer? who locked the phone, and with what password?

Happy new month guys!

Its over btw us, i'm gone 4 good, i wish u well as u go on with ur life, avoid the mistakes u made while u were with me, its me June meet ur new friend July who came in this morning!

Get lost!!

You need to smoke him out of his hideout!

What can done to enhance some friuts to make them more desirable?

The writer of this article has raised many valid points but i rise in protest against the collective insult handed down by the writer to us! Nigerians are not stupid! We know what is going on, maybe we are docile. The writer seems to have a grouse against the church, next time you want to write a article i will advice you to carry out a little research before rushing to conclusions, some churches are actually helping the poor in all possible ways and speaking out against corrupt leadership. But on the whole, i think it is a good write up.

I just can't stop laughing at those pictures and what point is the governor trying to prove by riding on the stuffed tiger?

Wow So much apathy.

I suggest this thread should be moved to nairaland section. Seven comments i made were deleted after i posted on this thread.

Hw far, apply sharply

where can i order a copy