₦airaland Forum

Onegai:
Ittakescourage, please be careful to ignore every poster above mine (trust me on this).

Now uhmmm,

The first year of Separation is usually the worst. The emotional fallout and craziness is enough for both of you to go full America vs Iran and be throwing bombs at each other in hatred. Nobody cares about the welfare of the kids. Not even you (and I'll tell you why later).

So here's what to do:

1. Breathe and start praying about your healing. Don't think of anything else except forgiving that man, I didn't say reconcile, I am very clear: FORGIVE HIM. It is for your own sake and your own peace of mind (because I know you feel relief but the pain is enormous and you have to put a brave face on. Even women that their husbands beat them, they still grieved over what could have been).

2. He's in a lot of pain. Yes, I know he's acting like an arsehole, but trust me: that man is missing his boys and he is blaming you for "ruining his life". He's not ready to take accountability for his own actions and the only thing that makes him feel better is hating you and attacking you. Even if he's dating another woman, it will be a rebound because he spent all his time talking about how evil you are and how you stole his boys.

3. Call his family and your family and put them on the same WhatsApp call. Now, Babe, listen up:

BE VERY RESPECTFUL AND POLITE ON THAT CALL. KILL YOUR EMOTIONS, DIE THEM, BURY THEM.

You need to calmly tell them what he's doing, that he's hurting the kids and they should rein their son in. That will be a hard pill for his family to swallow, they can get defensive. Which is why you're going to be polite like you're speaking to Dangote or Tinubu. Give them no ammunition. Tell them that boys need their father, so please anytime he wants to visit or call, he should do so. But he shouldn't let his emotions destroy his relationship with his sons. Tell them that you're never going to poison your sons' minds against their dad, but his behaviors may do so.

Children should never be used to fight the other spouse but it happens a lot because 2 adults are hurting and fighting like elephants and children are the grass.

After that call, start sending him weekly updates on the kids. Send their exam results for this term to him, in April. Even if he's not paying schoolfees, still send it.

Marriage may be over, but you and that man are joined till the day you die, he dies or those boys die. Repeat that to yourself everything you wanna lose your shi.t over something he's doing. Your husband cannot remember that right now but I pray he will one day.

By the way, you cannot file in Nigeria until one more year. You can find some unscrupulous lawyer to help you concoct something to file, but know that it will have a full custody battle in Magistrate Court and they will have to send Child Welfare officers (whom you'll foot the bill for) to visit your home and the kids school. Also know that Magistrates will not be lenient if they think you're using the kids against them. Which is why I'm asking you to do these things and document it all, with witnesses

And Divorce is filed in a different court, before a Judge.

Better ask that man calmly for money,
Breathe. Calm down. Get on your knees in prayer. And don't ask God to punish him , leave it to the Lord, both of you messed up and you never know how your story will end.

Alright. Noted. Thank you 🙏

Love800:
If its a minor issue that made you leave your husband, you better go back. As far he is not inflicting injuries on your body which might lead to your death.

Family is everything. Persevere and change your man's behaviour through your lifestyle.

Thank you for your suggestions, but this is not about whether I should go back to him or not. I am not seeking advice on reconciliation. My decision in that regard is already clear

[quote author=eniolorunfe post=138606790]The reason I am footing the bills is because he has never really been the kind of partner who shoulders responsibility, no matter how difficult things get. As for me, I will continue to do everything within my power to give my children a good life.
If he chooses to support them, that is entirely his decision. It is not something I am fighting over, and it is honestly not my main concern.
What truly bothers me right now is that he calls the children and says inappropriate and hurtful things about me to them. Because of that, I have decided to take control of their phone access. They will only speak with him occasionally, and only when I am at home, as someone previously suggested.

[quote author=Kobojunkie[/quote]I want to attain a certain level of financial stability before I begin the divorce process. I don’t have an issue with him not supporting me financially I don’t need anything from him. If he chooses to support his children, that’s fine, and I’m not stopping him.
I’m simply taking my life one step at a time.
My only concern is that he calls the children and says hurtful and horrible things about me to them. That is what truly bothers me.

Kobojunkie:
.

I read carefully. I don't want to start explaining all the things that happened, Draining. but I know walking away was one of the best decision I ever made. I'm thinking about proper divorce but I want to be financially stable alittle.

KaLuCh:
Did you read enough to see where she said she might have been dead by now? Abi you just wan rush contribute nothing

Thank you. And I'm very grateful to God that I was able to take that step to leave and start all over again.

HarunaWest:
Madam can we also hear the one you said to them about their dad? When we have listened to both parties, we then judge. We dont want to take sides without gathering enough data on the subject matter.

I can not tell them wrong thing about their father. For their mental, emotional and psychologically proper development I can't say bad things about their daddy to them.

I want to seize my children phone and stop them from communicating with their father.
Do you think it's the best decision? I initially allowed that communication so they don't feel his absence too much but he's saying wrong things to them behind me.


To be honest, it’s almost one year since my husband and I separated due to numerous issues.
And I thank God we are apart otherwise I would have been dead by now.
Since then, I have not been intimate with any other man. Not because I can’t or don’t feel tempted sometimes, but because I personally choose not to. I have never cheated.
We have two boys.
Lately, I discovered that he constantly calls them to question them about me and say hurtful things especially when I'm not around. Yesterday, he told my 12-year-old son that I’m having affairs with other men. that I’m cheating.
and was busy explaining it to him
That broke me.
My son didn’t even tell me. He just went to sit quietly watching TV until I asked him what was wrong. I overheard everything.
I work so hard to take care of my children alone. The bills are much, and everything rests on me. Nothing comes from his side.
When we separated, I moved back to my parents house. I'm still there. I've not been able to save enough for a decent accommodation till now, but God has been faithful.

I told him he is free to come for the children. I am not stopping him and he knows that.

But instead, he chooses to say hurtful things about me to my son.