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THE CHRONICLES OF TAOFIK SHAKITIBOBO - MIRACLE MISTRESS


So jejely I’m just sitting at Iya Bode’s bar sipping my beer. I kuku don’t have any runs for this weekend. Bimpe had told me earlier today that her dog was not feeling fine and she would be taking her to the vet this weekend. But that Bimpe girl sha! With her sexy figure 8! After all these years of secret office dating with nothing to show for it (No kissing, No Hugging), I finally managed to convince her to spend the weekend at my place this weekend but that’s when her yeye dog knows she is going to be sick (that's her excuse). Kunle my roommate thinks she is playing me but i disagree, that girl loves me too much and i don't want anything bad to happen to her dog because of me. The yeye Kunle must be feeling like one winner now that he has the main room to himself after we had argued for almost like forever about whose turn it is to use the main room this weekend. The thought of going to Lucky our usual ashawo joint crossed my mind but the way I was beginning to have feelings for that Belinda girl is getting me scared. I mean how can a whole me Taofik shakitibobo himself be having feelings for a call girl? L’aye! Kole wek! So that brings me to why I settled for Iya Bode’s place. At least after my regular 2 bottles of beer and maybe one or two plates of pepper soup (depending on how the night goes) I will go and sleep in peace on the couch in the other room.



I was thinking of how boring this weekend is going to be and how to face Kunle when I get home, I’m sure he will definitely want to rob it in (I too make mouth about my Bimpe runs). I was so caught up in my thought I didn’t notice a lady collapsing into the chair beside me. ‘What are you drinking?’ her voice brought me out of my thought. ‘Sorry, you said’ I replied. She then looked at me more closely the way a medical doctor would his patient ‘good evening, is everything ok? You don’t seem to be here at all’ she quizzed, I’m like ‘I’m ok jare, just a little tired after the day’s work, at least thank God today is Friday, I’ll have enough time to rest’, she smiled and said ‘eeya sorry, so what’s the name of your drink, your bottle has no label’. That’s true my bottles usually has no label, I peel them off almost immediately after opening the crown cock on it, meanwhile in my mind I’m like who is this JJC girl at a bar all by herself asking me for the name of my drink, she wan pay for me? ‘Eagle….that’s the name of my drink’ I tried to pay more attention to her face, I mean, if I’m going to be chatting with a stranger- a girl for that matter- I should at least know what she looks like. She looks like an omo butter kind of girl but damn, this babe fine sha! Dark skinned, plumb body, not plumb like fat oo, like Omotola Jolade kind of plumb, big Ghana weaving hair style, her age should be between 23 and 25 and to make matter worse she even has a dimple to match her flawless dentition, omo-boy gass try his luck on this one.



Sharperly I decided to be friendlier, but then, I need to play it cool so she will not think I’m desperate. I will talk to her only when she talks to me, then I’ll take it up from there, like she was in accordance with my thoughts; she asked ‘why is it that Ibadan guys like cheap things, cheap bars, cheap, drinks, even cheap girls.’ Mogbe oo! See this JJC girl falling my hand right here in my presence. She wasn’t done ‘ since I came in this evening I’ve been moving around and I’m not in any way impressed, the one that even baffles me most is the way their girls dress and do make-up………’ ‘Hold up, hold up! Where are you from?’ I cut in, ‘Lagos’ she replied. ‘all these Lagos people sha’ I thought to myself before addressing her issues; ‘first of all if you haven’t seen any impressive place in Ibadan since you arrived, that’s because you’ve been looking at the wrong places, and FYI I’m drinking Eagle because I really do enjoy the taste of the beer, not because it’s cheap and my dear, your conclusion about Ibadan girls gives me the impression that you have been shuttling between Beere and Molete’. That’s when she started laughing; laughing so hard like Basket Mouth just cracked his biggest joke ever. At this point I was getting pissed, really pissed. I just wanted to finish my drink and go; this girl is going to be a serious work I can’t deal with. She finally stopped as if she could feel my countenance had changed. ‘Sorry, sorry, sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you like that, but seriously who drinks an Eagle of N120 (one hundred and twenty naira) because he “really do enjoy the taste” seriously who?’ ‘Me!’ I half screamed back at her. ‘listen I’m a fun guy alright, on days that I’m in the mood, I go to a nice lounge, pop Champaign, Hennessey, or the least I manage Red Label, that’s the kind of guy I am’ at this point ehn, my ‘A’ game in bragging and mouth making was beginning to take over my attitude, I was pumping, ready to say anything to redeem myself from this falling hand. I continued to rave about the different clubs, bars, lounges and hotels I’ve rocked I was raving on and on and on……..i didn’t know when I told her “shey e dey your body? Because e dey my body oo. Make we just enter Switch’. By this time she has her elbow to the table and her hands to her jaw. She just looked at me as if she was neither impressed nor fazed by me asking to take her to a lounge she just said ‘ok, my car is parked outside’.



Ghen ghen! What the foil! I have just over played my hands here! See ehn, Switch is a lounge where if you don’t hold it, as in really boxed up, you are just going there to disgrace yourself. The least amount of beer you can get there is N500. Yes, to an average guy that’s pretty cool, but for a guy that drinks for N120 per bottle like me, that’s like a huge gap. The worst part of it is that a plate of anything there costs at least N1, 500. So by calculation I should have not less than N6, 000 if we can catch any groove (that is I’m assuming if she stops at two plates and maybe 3 or 4 bottles of a N500 beer and I will just respect myself and take 2 bottles for the sake of disgrace) and I pray she doesn’t want to club because that will be like the final blow that will send me to ‘Broke Island’. We will be talking about at least N15, 000. ‘I hope they have a club close by oo, cos I’m in the mood to parrtey’. This girl must be a witch sent from the pit of hell to torment me!




As we step out of Iya Bode’s bar, I was looking around to see which car she was talking about. She came from behind me through the door and led us to one 2013 Lexus X330 SUV. I could not believe it until she unlocked the doors with the remote, gave me the keys and said ‘you drive’. See groove! Today na today. We hopped into the car, I put the keys in the ignition and a thought crossed my mind, I said ‘babe if you’re going to club tonight that might probably take us till very late in the night oo, you’ll need a place to crash till morning’ she replied ‘what’s wrong with sleeping at your place? Or are you shy?’ me! Shakitibobo, why will I be shy? ‘I’m not shy oo, I’m just trying to be a gentle man’ ‘well don’t be. I like them rough rugged and raw’. Oh my! This girl is definitely sent to me but I’m not sure from where anymore. I looked at the fuel gauge of the car and noticed the light is on, so I drove us straight to a filling station, bought some fuel, then to the First Bank ATM machine at Oke-Ado to make some withdrawals, before negotiating our way to Switch.




Let’s not lie, Switch is full of life, you need to see their chairs, it’s like one of those chairs we see in first class sections on planes in films or pictures, their staff are always at alert, as you are coming in from the gate where we parked outside to their bar, you need to see the way they were greeting me, I was trying to hide my excitement as if it was not my first time of going there. It’s a storey building lounge so we decided to go upstairs where the view is magnificent, you could almost see the whole of Ring Road from the top. Emi Taofik flexing with an SUV and a very beautiful girl, chai, life is good sha.



They took our orders, we started eating and drinking, dancing from the lounge to the club. It was lit and we drank enough, while we were at it, I had already called Kunle about the change of plans but it was Kike his 18 year old girl friend that picked the call (I’ve always warned him about the day her father will catch them together), in other words, road block on that end so I decided I was going to book us a hotel not far off. To cut the long story short, we left the club and started driving towards our hotel, this girl just started praising me, ‘I used to think I like them rough before but the way you have been gentle and kind to me melts my heart, I can’t believe that there are guys like you out there, don’t make me fall in love with you oo, I might not go back to Lagos because of you’. I don’t know if it was the alcohol that was talking in her but she seemed drunk. though to me it was a little surprising because she kept feeding me her beer at the bar, she did not finish a single bottle all by herself, I always drank out of each bottle she took. Then again, I thought to myself “maybe she isn’t cut out for heavy drinking, she was just making her mouth”, well I’m glad I could show her shege after all her mouth making (but omo-boy lost N20, 000 and still counting to the adventure). By this time we had already arrived at our hotel, I switched off the ignition, ready to come down from the vehicle when she held me back by my hands, I looked back at her, she placed her left hand on my right shoulder and started robbing the back of my head, she bit her lips and winked at me- the light at the front of the hotel ensured I could see this. I sat back properly but this time I was facing her. I thought to myself ‘Taofik! You are definitely going to get it all the way tonight’. I was about to kiss her when she shushed me with her finger to my lips. She said ‘na, na, be the gentleman that you are and wait until we get inside’ (See me see trouble oo, was that not what I wanted to do before you started this your parole?) She then said ‘there’s nothing a gentleman cannot achieve if he is patient enough’. I didn’t understand what she meant though until later.




I came down from the car, opened her door for her and helped her down, I noticed she was staggering, drunk and sleepy, so I systematically placed her right hand across my shoulder and walked with her into the hotel lobby but you can still notice that she was drunk. I managed to place her on a chair by the entrance of the lobby to the left, got us a room and we proceeded to room 145 upstairs. By the time we got to the door of the room my shoulders were already hurting from carrying her, it was like she was sleepwalking but she was still talking, commenting on almost everything she see as we were making our way upstairs. I managed to open the door and dumped her on the bed to shake off the pain before we go to the main menu. She asked me if the shower of the bathroom was on, I quickly went in to check and by the time I came back, my lady friend (whose name I don’t even know) was already snoring.




I started calculating, should I just UnCloth her and do the thing in proxy? Or should I wait until midnight when she will probably be awake then we will do the thing? Or maybe I should just wait till morning when she will have more energy to rock me well? I started soliloquizing;”Ooo god! Which kain thing be this na? After N28, 000 man-pikin will not now score? Ko jo men! I must do oo, I’ll UnCloth her jare and do the thing even if it’s just one round, but I too spend money for this girl than to do one round that the girl will not even participate……. No! This girl has praised me too much for me to come and sleep with her in proxy, if she claims I raped her nobody will believe it was consensual especially after almost everyone at the hotel saw that I brought her in drunk. I think the best thing will be to wait till the morning, serve her a hot nice beverage like the gentleman she says I am, and then rock her world like Michael Jackson”.




I decided to wait till morning, but meanwhile I kept checking on her all through the night to see if she was awake but to my greatest surprise this girl did not shake at all, I was even expecting her to wake up at one point to ease herself but she didn’t, she slept all through.



By 6:30 am, I was already awake watching TV while waiting for my sleeping beauty to wake up, drink the hot beverage I asked the kitchen to prepare and then we take it from there. I had imagined us in different positions. I imagined her crawling from the bed to where I was on the chair, kneeling before me, unzipping my trousers and doing stuffs with her mouth and tongue to my p***is while I grab her br***t, squeezing it gently and then frolicking with her ni***es while she let out a little moan, I imagined raising her up from her kneeling position, kissing her on the belly while she grabs my head, I imagined unzipping her jeans trousers and then taking it off as well as her pants, then I imagined kissing the entrance of her p***y and licking the outlays before spreading her on the bed and then penetrating her with my d**k. I was holding on to this thought like an undated cheque about to be cashed when her phone rang. It didn’t even ring for up to three seconds before she picked it up. ‘Hello, where are you? Are you back?, see ehn what you made me pass through today ehn, I don’t know if I can forgive you, just come to Adeoyo round about and call me from there’ that was what she said on phone to the person on the other end. I was dumbfounded, a lot of questions were running through my head; who was she talking to? She mentioned Adeoyo which means she isn’t as JJC as I thought she knows where we are, so does that mean that someone is coming to our place? Is the person a male or a female? What will happen to our parole, everything I have imagined? To make matters worse she just went straight to bed again without giving me a look, whatever happened to her lips licking and lip biting stunt of last night?



I decided to play it cool and approach her, so I went to her on the bed with the hot beverage in my one hand, ‘hey bae, you are awake, hope you slept well?’ she turned towards me and feigned a smile, she noticed the beverage I was carrying so she sat up a bit and took it from me ‘yea, thanks I’m fine, thanks’ acknowledging the beverage, she said ‘awww you her a darling’ and she blew me a kiss. I smiled, my mind came down, at least the kiss is a sign that we are still on course. I for fear oo. In order to be sure I asked ‘so who was that on the phone?’ ‘oh that?’ (pointing to the direction of her phone under the pillow)‘don’t worry it’s a surprise that will blow your mind’ ‘ah oshe, party for the culture!, really this girl is heaven sent’ I said to myself. At this point I didn’t want to rush anything again; I mean why rush over one when I can get two for the price of one. I went back to the chair with a grin twice as wide as a smiling emoji.



Few minutes later her phone rang again, she didn’t bother to pick it she just sprang up and ran out with excitement. I was excited too, the third wheel is here and the party shall begin.



Bros, sister, mama, papa, whoever it is you are that is reading this, what I saw and experienced next was and still is beyond my imagination, in my whole life I never thought this was possible until the impossible became possible.



My lady friend (who I still don’t know her name) came in with a guy! A guy!! ‘Shey na the bros be this?’ the tall, bulky, beard headed looking guy asked, she feigned a ridiculous laughter and said ‘yes oo, this is the nice bros that has been taking care of me since last night oo’ I didn’t know how to react, it all seemed like I was dragged to a cinema to watch a horror film against my wish, I had no choice than to stand and watch proceedings. The stupid guy stretch out his hands to shake me ‘bros thanks a lot for taking care of my girl for me, I really appreciate it, she wanted to come and surprise me all the way from Lagos yesterday not knowing that I had an emergency from work and had to travel to Ife, so we kinda missed each other, by the time she got here sha had no money on her and me I don’t trust the friends that I have around, so I told her to hang around and look for one Ibadan guy to take care of her, Ibadan guys are always nice like that’ turning to her, he continued ‘shey I told that Ibadan guys are nice, shey you’ve seen it now’ she let out a laughter that by now I knew surely and truly she was mocking me- the latest candidate for the most dense person on earth and said ‘yes oo they are very, very nice’. Believe me I’m still thinking of calculating the entire money my parents spent to educate me, I think I should gather everything and refund it back to them, they wasted the money. Or maybe I should donate myself to ISIS for the sake of world peace at least that way I can be seen as something other than a rubber stamped mumu.




She passed me by and went to the bed to pick hr bag, car keys which I dropped on the TV stand and they both waved me goodbye and disappeared from my sight while laughing out loud. But this girl could have simply begged me at Iya Bode’s bar to let her crash in my house without making me spend all that much and without giving me all the hope in the world and then dashing it like a politician. I have no single pride in me left, I have just been fooled, Taofik Shakitibobo, Major General of my coast has just been played. This is terrible, how did I miss all the signs that it was a bad idea right from the starts? or was I a victim of over assuming? It took me almost an hour to be able to even change my position, from the chair to the bed, I reached for the pillow to cushion my head and that was when I noticed that she had left her phone a Samsung Galaxy X8 worth at least N250,000 in the second hand market! Karma is a bitch.


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IF YOU WERE ME WHAT WILL YOU DO WITH THE PHONE? PLEASE DROP YOUR COMMENTS