₦airaland Forum

EfemenaXY:
Like many have said on here, if you feel you can overlook his excesses and can function in that environment without falling prey to hypertension or high bp, or entertaining thoughts of poisoning his mistress, and if you are able to prevent your young son being at the receiving end of negative vibes between you both, then you must do what makes you happy. You already have your child. Good thing. Now focus on bringing him up right to the best of your ability. Even though you hurt inside, never say a bad / negative word to him about his dad. Follow the golden rule of: If you've got nothing positive to say, then say nothing at all...

I totally get why you want to stick it out - it's your choice and I respect that. And to do this successfully, you'll need to immerse yourself in projects that will totally and I mean totally, preoccupy you. I assume you're working? If not, then what are you waiting for??

Set yourself challenging goals. Don't let society's perception of what a woman can (should) or can't (shouldn't) do limit you. How many houses have you built in your name / son's name? None? Then start working towards that. Don't stop at one. Before you complete one, start making preparations for another and a third. You shouldn't even mention this to your man. He's made his choice and for all you know, his mistress might be pregnant right now carrying his child.

Focus also on starting up a business and making a success of it. Look for something you're passionate about and go for it with all you've got. You're young. You're healthy. You're strong. You're of sound mind. Things won't always remain the same as one gets older - so why not make the very best of your youth and do something positive? Something that counts?

Right now you're hurting and I'm pretty certain revenge isn't far from your mind. You may deny it, but it's not rocket science to understand how a woman in your shoes must be feeling - having your man betray your trust and you being forced to share him with someone else. It's a slap on your face. On the very essence of your womanhood - yes? But not to worry. Shyte happens - and rather than focus on destructive revenge, why not go for constructive, all-empowering "revenge"? You're married to a Nigerian man. Your average Nigerian man feels "wounded" pride and less of a man if he discovers his wife has quietly taken up the mantle to build her own house in her own name / child's name. (Don't ask me why they feel that way, or see it as a slap in the face - they just do). When such a man sees that you aren't bothered about his escapades, nor are you retaliating by paying him back in the same coin - but rather are pushing forward, independently with your own life - trust me, he'll come running back with his tail between his legs.

Your destiny is in your hands, not in another human being's hands, much less a philandering man's hands. You're only 27. Start securing your future and that of your son's.

And one more thing. Don't you ever, ever, challenge, much less contact his mistress(es). Give yourself some self-respect. How many of such women do you intend to chase? Harsh as it may sound, erase that mentality that the "other woman" is out to destroy your home. She isn't. It's your husband who's using his own hands to destroy his home. He's the one introducing outsiders to your union. He's the one who made those marriage vows to you, not the other woman. The other woman owes you nothing. She's not even decent for goodness sake, otherwise she'd go find her own man.

Girl, respect yourself and keep away. Don't go tainting yourself with the public latrine.

It is well.

tearoses:
It is well my dear
do all it takes morally to make yourself happy pls. Life is too short for you to be unhappy.
So Please just look after yourself; emotionally most especially.

As you can see, since the person who is supposed to have your back has refused to, then you need to look after number one....YOU!
You need to be in a good frame of mind to be able to extend that to your son too.....he may be young but he is watching and listening

Yes do also pray and seek the face of God, because at the end of the day, only He alone can touch peoples hearts.

I sincerely hope and pray that things turn out right for you

((hugs))

tearoses:
What can I say?

OP take a deep breath

Im sorry to tell you that this may pan out either of one way.
Either he wakes up one morning and decides to be a responsible husband and father or this girl who incidentally is not just a side babe but actually a long term lover gets pregnant and you both become second wives. (none of you is his first wife and he is treating both of you like shitt)

In the meantime, rather than use up energy on her I suggest that you use that energy on you.

I acknowledge that you have some degree of blame here; he is not doing anything that you weren't always aware he was capable of before you still decided to marry him, so he hasn't really changed and you are the one who has moved the goalpost expecting fidelity from someone who sees nothing wrong in being unfaithful.

So rather than use up all your energy, trying to change him, use that energy on yourself
Look in the mirror and work out why you think you deserve this? Do you even deserve this?
Talk to yourself and tell yourself the things that you want and you deserve and go get it

Live your life
You came alone, therefore learn to rely on you and you alone
Make yourself happy
regain your confidence
Push up your self esteem
focus on yourself and your baby

Stop begging, stop stalking, stop crying....none of these things will change him until he is ready to change.
Also don't bother with the facebook exposure, it will only just hurt you more in the end especially if in the end things do get resolved.
People don't forget these things and your husband will never be respected again.....ever!

tearoses:
Its not all her fault
If he didn't encourage it, she wouldn't send them
If a random man sent you or me nakeeed pictures we will curse his generation unborn
Your husband allowed it
He is the married one who made the vows
she is an opportunist

temi4fash:
Even though am an advocate of Prayers and regular intercession for your marriage.

I would suggest a possible separation or toughing in up, cos your marriage is having a rocky ride right now and i can see the experience is taking a toll on you. So, I would encourage you to let him be and you walk on yourself and become a better person, i hope u dont depend solely on him for ur fiancial support. if you dont just leave him and continue to pray for him.

while you are making progress with yours, dont let one man come and kill you with hyperthension cos if you die today the babe woth take over so just chill and enjoy ur self.

Nyceguy92:
Good.
I learnt that some women in similar circumstances had warned the other women that they would release their info - chats, pictures, etc , on social media if they refuesd to leave their husbands alone.

It is a arrow you can shoot.

rolled:
Dear op
Few years ago we were in the same shoes
I fasted,cried,fought and he didn't change
One day I just decided to love myself more
Did things that made me happy(aside from cheating)
Fix my nails,got a good job,nice hair,well fitted clothes
I go on dates with my friends
See movies in a cinema
Then he started accusing me of cheating,so uncomfortable when am out.He would call like 50 times.
He tried to bully me into sitting at home all day but I refused
He even reported me to my family but I continued to make myself happy
Please note that all I did was NEVER TO MAKE HIM JEALOUS,i just had to be happy
Then all of a sudden I stopped seeing used condom pack
He stopped going out
He wants to go everywhere with me
And no reason to think he is unfaithful
Am not saying you shouldn't pray
Am not saying you should do what I did
It worked for me
But in all PLEASE LOVE YOURSElF AND BE HAPPY
Most Nigerians feel is prayers alone,No
Pray and be practical
You are a full grown woman you should know what am talking about
Wish you well

P291:
@Midastouch, God will restore back your home and marriage. Go to God in prayers and pray to change the mindset of your husband and open his eyes. Don't fight him/ quarel or else he starts using that to his advantages and reason to commit himself more to that lady.

If he comes back, be that responsible wife you have always been, show him more love and let God's way reflects in your attitudes and steps. His situation hasn't yet degenerate cause I don't see him being abusive, he can still be redeem. My former boss was once a chronic cheat but his wife, a God fearing lady and she didn't give up on him. Today, my former boss is an usher in his church, his wife always smiling now, and his business keeps booming.

God is love, just seek Him. Divorce is a NO-NO for God's children. God will restore back your home dear. Don't give in to devil.

Mindfulness:
You can't control your husband's behaviour but you have control over how you feel. If you want to be happy, get happy. It's all about you even if the world has made you believe that your happiness depends on others. If you don't learn this lesson, your happiness will always remain in the hands of other people and as you can see, they do NOT always have your best interst at heart.

Mutaino7:
See sister don't give yourself hypertension by thinking about what you did & what you didn't do... Men that cheat will always have the most ridiculous excuse what so ever to give so chillax.. If he find fault for your body or the things you did he was suppose or should have ironed it out like a proper head would do not philander his way with different twats. When you show him you are not mugulicious to his advances and how dear you give him sex when you know say you guys are yet not align(even with condom..no do am..even if e dey scratch you).. See men will always come in line when they know they have to do every thing to get back in your good grace>>>to simplify further<<< Picture a mother punishing a son scenerio and the son doing every thing to get back to his mom's good grace especially when he knows his typical 9ja father no get im time..lobatan.. All this powers and gift are already bestowed on you females but only handfull no how to weave theirs into something spectacular.. intuition, love and kindness are womanly gifts.. AS a recommendation read this book titled: Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man
Book by Steve Harvey

TheSonOfMark:
[color=royalblue] There's also an issue you haven't addressed : the man's sexual needs.

She stays in a different state from his. There's also a mistress who promises pleasure and only that. A man is only as faithful as his options.





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bukatyne:
Your husband is not sorry, he knows you love him (weak) and he plays with that and will continually play with that.

You need to decide if you want to continue your marriage in your weakness or if you want to become respected.

nnamdiosu:
Sweetheart first of all...YOU CANT MAKE A MAN CHANGE. HE HAS TO CHANGE BY HIMSELF. READING THEIR WASSAP CONVERSATION WILL INCREASE YOUR ENEMY's BP AND SEND HER TO UNTIMELY GRAVE. You need to run to God for help. Funny as it may sound, but it's true. You just can't help yourself. Only GOd can deliver your husband from this woman's grip.

2. I suggest you also use patience and prayers for your husband. If possible talk to ur pastor about it. MAKE SURE YOU DONT TALK TO ANYONE ELSE (family members, friends ) etc. it is well. Many women have passed thru what you are going thru, some, even more. But with GOd they came out victoriously.
NB: DONT EVER NEVER EVER CONTACT OR COMMUNICATE WITH THE WOMAN.

Dyt:
Pray
Pray my sister
Prayer is the key
Answereth all things beneath and beyond
Wear lingerie red especially
Make I'm nice dishes
Ride him till he's sore
Fast day and night
My sis
God will do wonders

Your horseband will change

Lol. I understand you ma'am

Mindfulness:
When did you guys intend to live together in one place?

bukatyne:
@Bold:

Your husband has (luckily for you) shown who he is pre-marriage.

You caught him cheating and told the girl to leave your man for you and your kid (pulling the cart before the horse, it was your man who erred and not the lady) and he had the guts to 'fight' you over it; fight how?

Re: He told me that he was sorry, and since he was able to let her go before now, that he will do it again.

Your husband will NOT stop cheating on you with her as long as he has access to her. He can as well marry her as the second wife (because that's what she is).

If you are willing to accept the cheating as his weakness, then get used to it and be 'praying', wearing red bra & panties with cooking nice dishes .

If however, you see his act as a disrespect to you, you should be able to figure out the way forward.

Mutaino7:
@op.. You caused it yea read my lips i said it..... I for one will not forgive the first mistake but people different sha... He even had the effontery to challenge you stance on his infidelity and you are still under the same roof with the man aba.. nah where you F up be that.. See am not married but i have people who did and are still in the union.. My pops in the marriage committee chairman in our church..with enough relationship books in his private shelf.. having listen to his stories about intending couples and with what i did read from his books at least i can boldly say my prediction and analysis of relationship is something... What you fail to do is setting standard for the type of relationship you want..(aint talk about confrontational type of standard..that puts men off but what i'm talking about is the sly or better put..Approach that makes a man no you are not going into relationship anyhow).. If and If you get him this time just move faraway from him with your son and don't let families pressure into going back unless you notice he is sober and truly sorry for what you did(Your decision counts)...Unless dem tie your umbilica cord with im own or you are not financially independent then don't listen to me... Cuz when it gets to the stage where your man cheat and doesn't fear rebuttal or you finding out then he needs HOLY SLAP... Some people only realize the imporance of some things only when they lose it or almost. So let Him experience it then i wouldn't take you for granted again.. P.s no commit murder abeg and also you need to man up(no b prick dey make man) so that you will be strong enough for your son and self

Stanleywaxy:
God first ... But one more question Ma'am ...is he legally married to you ?