₦airaland Forum

edwife:
I did and I don't regret doing it I will post when I am less busy,but you can send me an email too if you want-I won't mind giving you a call

Thank you! I will do - good to know i' m not alone

edwife:
I was abroad and relocated in imo State after marriage,then back abroad after some years

Oh! Nice - how did you find it? How long did it take you to get settled in?

Ewuro4:
You signed up for this, marriage is about sacrifices. I hope you can take your relocation process on step at a time to rekindle the spark in your marriage. It's all worth it for a man who's not trying to hide you abroad like we always read here.

Good luck dear.

Very true - He is a good man, truly!

And it makes me sad because people must judge us allot

mutter:
Agree totally with the above.

Something telly you it might be wrong and you better listen to that voice.

In Nigeria there is no social security. No way you can survive if the man kicks you out and you do not have a job.

An influential man can even take your kid`s from you and kick you out. Nothing you can do about it.
You will be very dependent on him. At his mercy.
That is not good for a healthy relationship.

Nigerian marriages are very much family marriages and if yo don`t have a family it can be hell.

It could work out but it could be hell.

This is a fear of mine although my husband is pretty mellow....

I wonder what rights do you have as a wife in Nigeria? With regards to assets, courts, etc...

[quote author=Headlamp1 post=31254956]Your case is different I guess.

1. You are a Nigerian. Relocating to Nigeria to you is no deal. For a foreigner, I wouldnt readily advise this.

2. You probably have a good husband. As for OP, wwe don't know what kind of hubby she has. Op has not given enough substantial info about the man to have a clue and like someone said above "It appears this man would not readily sacrifice his own comfort zone for love. He even gave OP a deadline of 2015" We know Nigerian men and their different types. He can wake up tomorrow and start flirting with another women. If this happens what would be OP's gain then having sacrificed all she had.

The essence of this is in case things do not work out later in future between them despite the fact that she relocated to Nigeria, then she may have had her life shattered.

So its a decision that has to be made with throughness. In fact one has to get close and know the OP and her hubby to be able to give an advice. Incase she emails you be careful what advice you give her.

Besides in her case, relocating to Nigeria, with the present state of and deficit in the country is 2000 steps backwards. I would rather the Man sacrifice all and join her in the UK. [/quote ]

Yes you get it

For a complete foreigner it's a bit different - let's face it I will need time to understand how everything works etc....

But it's the economy too - now the exchange rate is craazzzy !! It's the risk element! All this time I can say with no certainty i'll be able to find a job to progress my career.

mcdokwe:
op you are better off not taking the advice of women like this. Believe me or yes, she cuts across like someone who brags about having a perfect union and would need the constant misfortune of others to remind her how perfect hers is.

How on earth does she dare insinuate your hubby is married to other women even when nothing in your post suggest same thereby generating destructive ideas in you?
From my little time here on earth, I have come to acknowledge and appreciate the fact that our fates are dynamic whether in marriage or other secular or conventional endeavours. That something turned out perfect for you doesn't necessarily mean it would for me if I applied your tactics to the later therefore calling for the need for us to be discretional.

You got it all wrong in the thinking that you are doing it for your hubby- the better choice should have been marriage, yes you are doing it for your marriage and not hubby. You need to tell yourself whether beinG happily married is more important than proving you can do without him.

I have heard some ask why he didn't consider moving to the UK himself. But now let's look at the bigger picture here- as an African, a man is wholly responsible for the upkeep of the family, the ladies role is mostly seen as supportive and as such when it isn't there, it is inconsequential. Believe it or not, if the man moves to the UK, he and his family who are likely to be dependent on him would have to strain you awhile for succour whilst he tries to get employment or not and the same women here would berate his lazy ass for living off a woman thereby giving you the impression you are doing something that never should be done in marriage.

Then you said his income is higher

it's a pity such things weren't sorted out before the marriage, but believe be you should move down here and if your prefer life in the UK, be around him to convince to move with you later in life, you got that power, don't lose it for anything but if you make this about personal interest now, then forget the possibility of ever getting him to move no matter how bad things get now or ever.

Beautiful unions are built by people in it, build yours now and reap from it in the future.

God bless you with the wisdom to make the right choice

Thanks - completely agree, totally skipped that post for those commenting that my husband has another wife - might I add - it's still very possible that my husband could cheat on me when in Lagos?!?! Most guys I kno cheat, So I Shd give up my life so my hubby doesn't cheat with some shank! I think not....

Although unconventional it's very easy to judge - especially when both are self made successful professionals.

But this is for the union of my marriage - I understand his reasons - he's worked hard to get where he is - as have I! But I just know the day I leave - my career will practically be dead.

[quote author=mcdokwe post=31261059][/quote]It's a head over heart issue - while I love and trust him dearly. I think all of us women have AT LEAST one friend who has screwed up their lives at the expense of a man......

Notyourb1tch:
When your gut does not feel right about something it is usually right. kanwuliajara,cococandy,chillisauce, headlamp1,  babyosisi and bukatyne, moca and mutter have all raised valid points. My fear especially is wrt to the financial aspect. Talk to your husband about this. If you don't mind me asking which nationality are you ( white, jamo,  African?)

That is very true - my gut feels I need to do this and just be with my hubby - but my head says it's not the smartest thing to do right now. So it's the financial aspect.

Btw am black British

dynamicbuzz:
They didn't o, she started cheating on her husband and she got deported, it was even the boss that reported her to the immigration officers when she decided to call it quits with him.


That aside, I think you should ask your husband to help you look for a job, save well also and prepare to come back. Keeping your home should be a priority, distance isn't always a good thing.

Hmmmmmm let me not lie that story line dies not seem appealing at all

Point taken - guess is all abt trying to make it work out now

dynamicbuzz:
Funny enough, I'm watching a movie right now with this similar story, the difference is that the lady is an illegal immigrant and her boss is seriously hitting on her. Her own marriage is 6 years and her friends pressuring her to go back to Nigeria

Ah ah you're kidding!

A modern day dilemma - apart from the illegal immigration and sexual harassment

Hope they had a happy ending too

cococandy:
do you have your own personal support base (family mostly) that you can fall back on when things are tough?

If you resign your UK job and go to Nigeria, if it doesn't work out, can you successfully go back to the UK and start your life and get back on your feet again?

I'm not asking this because I assume it won't work. I'm asking Because I believe if your answer to these questions are YES, then don't be afraid to make the move.
Even if your answer is NO,you still have to take it as a leap of faith because realistically speaking,it is not wise for the person with the higher income in a family to give it up for unknown waters.

If he's giving you ultimatum,also give him your own conditions.
To make you a temporary accessory to his account so that you won't be stumped begging him for pantie money the first few months (or however long) before you get a job.

It is obvious both of you are used to some measure of independence and are both understandably unwilling to shift ground for the other.

You guys should have agreed on living arrangements before tying the knots.

We were living together when married... this long distance thing is quite recent :/

You speak allot of sense - I have no family but a few friends already in Nigeria.

Your right even if I didn't I wud still hav to move

Now - my hubby says that in Nigeria it is not typical to share accounts.... :/ and that if there is anything I need he will provide me.... so I guess that's out of the question.

Not exactly the way I'd like things to be - but just trying to save as much as I can before I go

LewsTherin:
You can't have it all. You have to choose ye this day who you want to serve. Your marriage, or your current lifestyle. That homeboy has given you an ultimatum seems to indicate he has no woman here, or at least no "permanent" woman. So that's a good thing.

But from all I am reading here - 3 years apart, once screwed up due to your immaturity, his family insisting, my dear, I think you are between a rock and a hard place. So I think this is gone beyond what is best for you to what is the right thing to do. Marriage is all about sacrifice. And yes, you do not wait for the other person to sacrifice first. You said the vows, you keep your vows. Your hubby not keeping his is not your place. Keep yours first. Then work from there. Good luck.


P.s Your doing what is right doesn't mean you should go and be stupid. There is a difference between humility and timidity. Be gentle. But be wise

Very well said

Am at a stage where I have exhausted my options.

Just abt finding the best way to go abt it now I guess.. .

Thanks for the responses - just to add we were together before we were married and cohabited for abt a year into our marriage.

Hubby expects me to move - in the wake of 2015 I have been given deadline

Just thinking of the best way to go abt this

Ohhh wisdom is lacking hmm

In all seriousness this is a verrrrry big decision we hav been together abt 8 years married just under 3. And there is no open marriage

I have done this before when we first married I moved to Lagos - didn't last long. - due to maybe to unrealistic expectations and my immaturity.

But I want to make a real go of this. Otherwise I can't see how we can move forward.

Truthfully - I don't

Have never started a business before.

Although I think it is general consensus from my hubby's fam that I shd resign my role and be with him.

Is there anyone in the house that has done this for the sake of their marriage? What advice would you give? I know it won't be easy.... is there anything I can do now to prepare myself for this transition?

Personally I don't mind Lagos - it's just opportunities are not very forthcoming

Thanks! Very important point is that someone will hav to compromise and I can't stand the power struggle at the moment

But we hav to move forward.

Have been seeking opportunities in Lagos since the new year - from what I understand this could take some time

What fear is the loss of identity, loss of independence and uncertainty of being unemployed w/o income - ladies is this a good idea?

In the long run it could work out -its just the fear of stepping into the unknown....

His - by far

But refuses to share accounts

Hi guys, I really need ur frank advice.

Me and my husband have been married for 3 years on and off long distance. We are both career wise doing very well for ourselves although he's more advanced than I.

Needless to say the spark has fizzled. I love him deeply and am considering leaving my career in the Uk to join him in Lagos.

Plz I need ur advice - given the unemployment situation in Nigeria, is it reasonable to expect me to give up everything - in search for a career/ life in Lagos? ( am not Nigerian)

Ladies who have done this - what is it like giving up ur independence - monthly paycheck - income?

Can't help but think it would be easier for him to join me in the UK - really frustrated - but can't stand the separation

Frank opinions plssssss