₦airaland Forum

That's the thing. The earlier I start, the better for me. "I am still very young", in the sense that I have a long life ahead of me. But would I want to continue living it this way. I know that what you said, you're thinking is in the context of marriage. Marriage is not my priority.

huptin:
At 31 with a child, remove the "i am still very young tag" readjust your thoughts and find a way out.

There are consquences for every action, mistakes dont just disappear. They leave a trail.

It will be a painful journey but the earlier you start the better for you.

I didn't marry a yahoo boy. I am very principled. I would never marry a Yahoo boy.
There was never a time that there was any money. From the word go, I had to sort out my problems myself. I didn't mind because I wasn't looking for luxury. As I said earlier on this thread, I was looking for a good man.
It was a long distance relationship. I never visited, so it gave him the opportunity to tell me lies. He told me he was into something, an honest means of living, nothing much. I just don't want to be specific about the details. I felt we could actually grow together.
But then I arrive, and discover that every single thing was a lie. His character or person is not something that is hidden. It's just unfortunate that I didn't live around, I didn't visit, which made it impossible for anybody to have told me the truth.
When I first arrived, people were literally shocked that he got married to me because it seemed unbelievable judging from his person. It's a long story.

OssanaQuest:
Let me assume the worst - you married a yahoo boy and now that the government all over the world is turning up the heat on them, yahoo no longer pays and with that money coming into the family from his end has dried up.

For you, I don't know which is the worst between settling for a man you must have seen the signs that he's a yahoo boy or now wanting to run away primary because his yahoo didn't pay off which would make you a gold-digger to put it more bluntly.

What can you do?

Before you quit, have you considered actually changing the direction of his life towards being self-sufficient and being able to provide?

Have you looked at possible skills he could learn to be able to provide for the family?

What about the child?

How close is he to the child you have? Even without money is he present, taking the child to school, moulding, shaping and guiding him/her?

Are you prepared to leave that child behind with him to go start a new family with someone else?

Some very selfish and self-centred women do this so don't think you are the worst amongst them.

Finally:

Is there any chance that the man will turn a new leaf?

Have you had this sincere and honest/respectful conversation with him to let him know how you feel about the situation?

His response should tell you the direction your life is headed.

Instead of giving him fish with the money you make from your hustle, teach him how to fish so that he can get back on his feet and take charge of his family.

Find a polite way to let him know what you expect of him. Be specific, not generic.

Nudge him and encourage him. Don't pet him but don't nag either.

If all this fails then you know you have tried your best. And so, you it'll be easier for you to make a definite choice on the direction of your life.

Don't just rush into anything that will throw a curve ball into the life of the young child you already have.

His ability to want to change, which he never ends up living up to. He often reacts to my anger. When I want to leave, he tries everything. Makes all sorts of promises.
I guess the core of the problem, is that he is far from who or what I thought I married.
I don't want to be vain, but I had a lot of suitors that I rejected because of varied reasons.
What I wanted essentially, was a good man.
When he met me he was this open, and very vulnerable person. He pretended a lot to be what I wanted, a good man.
I would give him the A mark for pretence.
My definition of a good man.
A man who cares for his wife, for his children, who is family oriented.
A man who is willing to put in the work to make his marriage work.
An honest man, a man of integrity, who understands that good virtues are better than money. A principled man, hardworking. I specifically told him I do not like traditional men. Men who wants all the authority in the home. Do not help out in the chores, men that believe the woman is just there to serve.
Now I married this person and discover he is everything I never wanted, but he lied to me that he was the opposite. You can imagine someone that fought me while I was 7 months pregnant because I discovered an affair. It's a long story.

Starboytwo:
There must be at least one good thing about the man.

Kindly tell us, so we can make an informed judgement…

You don't understand. The issues in this marriage is beyond money. I have grown to resent him. We don't talk. I don't want to talk to him. It's only five years and I no longer care about this person. At the beginning of all these problems, I guess I still cared, because I always cried and was full of regrets. I wanted change then.
Now I've gone past that. Even if he were to get rich today, all I really want is for him to take up the responsibility for his child.
He often accuses me of being unforgiving and resentful, but I can't help it.
I might be good today, but maybe one video I watch, something I read, or anything would just trigger the memories. I begin to remember everything, and trust me it affects how I act towards him.
To be honest he has tried making some changes, but I guess it's late. The impressions formed early on has refused to die.
The money matter is a different issue from the resentment, the bitterness.
It's a lot honestly. I wish I could say everything here.

capetownboyz:
But if he becomes a billionaire tomorrow, you will be willing to forgive his sins and make your marriage work, right? You women tend to haunt men when they face difficulties providing for the family and achieving their goals in life. Only you know what you are going through, but if that man ever makes it out of the trenches, he should finalize that divorce and seek custody of his child. Lest I forget, he should find a younger and more deserving partner.

The thing is, remarrying for me isn't a priority.
He has been broke from day one. I have always had to step in, from my service year till now.
I've asked him what do you want to do, because it might have seemed I was forcing him to do things he didn't like, but he wasn't able to tell me anything reasonable. He can't sit at a place to do anything. It's just so tiring for me to always be under pressure to sort things out. He does provide when he has, the problem is that he consistently doesn't have because he has refused to do something that will make him have, and that's not even the only problem in the marriage.
I was willing to support, just give me a sign that you're willing to do something with yourself, but he couldn't.

laivwire:
I have some questions. Is he outright broke or he has money but does not send to the family? Is he working for a low pay or he's just lazy to get a job?

Just so you know, a number of married young men cheat in the early years of their marriage especially when the wife gets pregnant for the first time but that doesn't define who they are long term.

If you can proceed with divorce with no guilt in your heart based on what you know and the fact that you've been living apart for over a year, I feel you can start the process...but just as someone mentioned, divorce is not all you see at the surface. Children raised without a father go through tough times. If you intend to remarry, it can be complicated to find another eligible single young man willing to start a family with you. I'm not saying it's impossible but it would be difficult as his family may kick against it. What you have left are either married men or other divorcees. Be ready to raise another man's kids as your own. Staying single also comes with loneliness. This is why a lot of people take their time before making that final decision to divorce.

It's better you write your exams before your start the divorce proceedings because from your story, he will definitely push back at you and that would strain you mentally. Divorce also takes around 2 years to be completed so go figure.

Wishing you the best in your next decisions.

Contrary to what you think, that was not what happened. He was at least honest about him not having money, but he lied about everything else.
You know when people ask me, why did you marry him. The answer is essentially because I thought he was a good man, only to discover that he was far from that.
For instance, I was very open to him about my dislike for people who do dishonest things for money. We discussed this things extensively, only for me to discover after the marriage that he did exactly that. The funny thing is that I made a decision to leave the marriage barely a week after I arrived where he stayed. That I have stayed this long, is solely because of family.
It's a long story, but bottom line is, he had to stop that thing he was doing because that was part of the many reasons I left. I'm not partaking of money gotten in a dishonest way. Now asides the other issues in the marriage, he has persistently refused to inspire himself to find an honest means of living. I have tried, pushed, suggested, yet nothing. This is a problem that even his family knows he has. He keeps talking big, but the will, drive on motivation to do anything isn't there. And that is not even the only problem in the marriage. The entire foundation of it was built on lies. He so lied to me, even down to age.

thrillionaire:
Lol, I think I perfectly understand this situation.
Long distance relationship, man talks big and makes you believe he's doing well where he is. When y'all have gone far with the relationship he suddenly loses his "so called job or business", then please with you to be patient with him while he bounces back soonest.. the comeback never happens and then your eyes begin to open to his true character and habits that engenders failure.

My dear it's hard to change a mature person, only a paradigm shift in that person or God can.
If you keep being inequally yoked with him, you'll share in his misfortunes and suffer with him.
Unless you're determined to work hard to support him and fight to rescue him, to make him believe in himself and to begin to succeed...

If you can't do this, just go.

Go create the good life you dream of alone, with laser focus.. until you meet someone else who shares your hunger and passion and is doing well too.

He doesn't want a divorce. He left in the name of searching for greener pastures and hasn't achieved anything because he lacks commitment, will or discipline. I am not leaving because I think I can find someone else, it's not a priority. I am just so tired of the whole situation.

thesicilian:
Is he away because he left voluntarily, or because of work, or because you made him to? What's his disposition towards continuing the marriage? Does he also want a divorce? Nonchalant? Or wants to come back?
Because a divorce is not as glamorous as the public makes it out to be. Life is difficult enough as it is, not to talk of living it alone with all the stress and challenges of single motherhood, especially in Nigeria. Nigerian men are especially not kind on single mothers. Sometimes all they do is profess love just to get to the promised land, and sometimes just when you think you've found love again, you get to see that your "ex-husband " is even a million times better.
Asides that, there's the toll on the kid, that may not physically manifest till much later.
All I'm trying to say is, if you're not in any life-threatening situation, and he's willing to make things work, you should consider staying, no matter how many times he falters. There's nothing outside.

It was a long distance relationship. The entire marriage was built on lies and deceit. I was just too naive I guess

flokii:
@OP How did you end up with such a person in the first instance?.. didn't you see all these signs before you agreed to marry him?

Well, it's not too late to right your wrongs.. if you feel separation will make you feel better, then go for it. If you want to consider what people will say or rumors that'll fly around, then you will never be truly free and happy.

Marriage is not do or die.. if it's not working, use the exit and take back you sanity, dignity and inner peace.

Thanks

Gotocourt:
Mistakes has been made, focus on your career. Don't add kids incase you go back. Best wishes in your exams.

I was very naive when we met. I know a lot better now. I have talked and talked. I have involved his family, mine, and I am tired of that. Changing an adult is what I cannot do.

HarunaWest:
You dont want to go into detail the crux of the matter but you want our advice. Hmmmn you said there has been case of physical violence and you both fought. You didnt state if he attacked you or it was you that attacked him first. Also all these secrets that you claim to discover after marriage, what stopped you from discovering before the marriage? Why wasnt a thorough investigation carried out on him or his family before you tied the knots? Cos even if you walk out now, if you couldnt see all these before you got hitched, how do you know you wouldnt repeat same mistake with someone else in future. My Recommendation: Have one last heart to heart conversation with him. Involve family, elders and counsellors. If you people cant work it out, then you can do whatever is on your mind.

I have just one child

Fekumzi123:
With this your write-up alone, if you're not comfortable then I think you're making the right decision. Hope you don't have more than two kids yet?

I am igbo. It was a long distance relationship. I would say I was very naive because I considered visitation not proper. That would have saved. Me a lot, but I have gone past regrets. I just want what's best for me. We have been apart for about a year now. He doesn't want divorce, my family doesn't, his family doesn't, but I think contuinig this marriage is draining me.

DeltaBachelor:
Chai. It is well. I wish you the very best. Although, I consider separation first before outright divorce. Like a one or two years separation to make all parties come back to their senses . It may just be that both of you need some alone time to really ascertain if this is what you really want.

My guess is that there was no COURTSHIP before marriage. This is one of the major problems/challenges affecting young/recent marriages.

I am also guessing you are either Delta/Igbo…. it is well. The Lord is your strength

I have been living with my child alone for going to a year now and I love it. I don't plan on moving. I intend contuinig my stay where I am because he is currently not here.

thesicilian:
Without having much details, I'd say your decision to move out will depend on where you're moving to. Are you leaving to remain on your own with your child, or you're leaving to remarry later? Both are tough decisions.

Unfortunately, I had a court wedding. I was wondering if they were practical ways that I could process a divorce without much cost to myself. I think after then, my family would be forced to return the bride price. Anyone with experience, please let me know.

sahab2325:
All is well! From my point of view, you are about to make a good and positive decision. Toxic marriage can lead to death of either party and this will definitely have a mark on the child. I would suggest you meet elderly people and spiritual father in the two families for proper guidance. I pray Almighty God help you in this journey.

Hello, good day.

I'm a 31-year-old woman, a graduate of one of the federal universities in Nigeria with a first degree in one of the science courses. I'm currently studying nursing in my final year. I have one child, and I'm currently considering walking out of my marriage.

Here is why.

I've been married for five years. Throughout the marriage, there have been cases of physical violence. Even though I wouldn't describe it as over the top, if it has happened before, it could surely happen again. Some of these incidents occurred while I was pregnant. We fought physically, with punching and all that, while I was pregnant.

I walked out of the marriage the first time but came back after there were promises of change, doing better, and all that. I have tried my best to put what I believe is my best into this marriage, but I've made so many discoveries during the course of it that have broken me. I eventually grew through some of them, including discovering that the person I married had done a lot of things that were wrong. I don't want to go into details. I also discovered cheating, which was what actually prompted me to walk out the first time.

After many talks and promises of change, I stayed back. But here I am again, currently considering walking away because this person contributes almost nothing towards the care of the family. Well, not absolutely nothing, but the contributions are very inconsistent because this person has nothing doing. When I say I've lived for years with someone who doesn't have anything doing, I'm very serious about it.

There are always talks about how things will change and get better each time I want to leave. But I think I've come to a point where I need to prioritize my sanity and myself. You know, when you're with someone who talks big but just cannot put in the work and dedication needed to make those dreams a reality.

You'd be surprised that I'm the one taking care of most of the family responsibilities because I happened to go into content creation. Right now, I'm struggling because I'm in my final year. I have a lot of financial responsibilities. Even though I earn some money from content creation, I still have to put most of it into the family because I'm the one carrying most of the bills, even though I have exams to prepare for.

Now, I'm not saying all my decisions are based on money because when I entered this marriage, I already knew there wasn't much money. Even the wedding itself was a very small affair. I knew there wasn't money, but I saw someone who talked big. I thought there was potential. But when I got in, I discovered some terrible secrets. There has just been a lot.

I don't know... there's so much that I can't completely break down here.

I've been talking mostly to AI, ChatGPT, about these things, and I've come to realize that this is not enough. I need human beings to interact with me.

My family is not really in support of this. You know how African families can be. They don't like separation or divorce. But I'm 31. I'm still very young, in my own opinion. I believe I still have a lot ahead of me.

I keep asking myself, "Would I want to still be in this situation with this same person in the next five years?" And I keep coming back to the answer: no.

But sometimes you wonder if you're making a mistake, if maybe you should give it one more try. But I've tried. It's been five years, and things are only getting worse.

This is something that even people from his own family have realized. It's not just me saying there's a problem. Other people can see it too.

So I want to know: would I be making the right decision if I leave?

I'll be writing my final exams in September and my council exams in November. I'm wondering if taking that step after my exams would be a mistake, or if I really need to walk away.

The reason I only have one child is because I've hesitated so much about having more children with this person. The thought of having another child with him fills me with dread. I'm so scared of being tied to this person even more. I already have one child who is four years old.

I don't think that's how a person should feel in a marriage.

I've been accused of lacking commitment, but I know it's not a commitment problem. I'm just not seeing what is worth committing to anymore.

Please, no insults or comments saying this story isn't real. It is. There's a whole lot more that I can't go into here. This situation is much deeper than what I've shared.

I just want to know what you all think. I know that, at the end of the day, I'm the one who will make the final decision. But one or two human opinions, especially from people with experience, could help me navigate this situation.

We've actually been separated for about a year—not by my own choice, anyway. But I've never been happier. I genuinely love the fact that we've been separated, for reasons I don't want to go into here.

I just want to know what you all think.