There was this Yid from Brooklyn who decided to go to Russia for a visit. Why not? Must be an interesting place. However when he tried to do some business in the black-market. He was quickly arrested by the police and imprisoned.

When he was brought before the judge, he was informed that doing business with the black market was a terrible crime to society, since the people suffer from the inability of the government to collect taxes and the punishment was well known, death.

Although the Yid protested that he was a foreigner, his protest fell on deaf ears. The judge refused to reduce the sentence.

"The government is trying to stamp out the black market. We have no mercy on people who come here and disregard our laws. However, since you are a foreigner, and we do want to encourage foreigners to come here as tourists and to do business, legally, of course. We want to show the world that the Russian legal system has mercy. Therefore we will allow you three wishes. Any thing that you desire, just ask and you shall be granted them. The only condition is that you can not request to commute your death sentence. After your three wishes have been granted, you will have to pay for your crime."

"O.K., if that is what I have left to do with my life, my first request is to go skiing in the Carpathian mountains."

"What?" the judge remarked, "skiing? This is the summer! There isn't any snow now!"

"Well," the Yid answered, folding his arms across his chest, "I'm prepared to wait. Because that's my first wish"

"Let it be so!" The judge banged his gavel on the desk and called the police. "When the snow falls on the Carpathian Mountains, you are to fetch this Yid and let him ski to his hearts content, from sunrise until sunset. Afterwards he is to be brought to me to complete his sentencing."

Six months later the police came to the man's house and took him up to the most beautiful ski resort high up on the Carpathian Mountains. The Yid skied all day and after night fall the police whisked him to the judge.

"All right, the state has granted your first wish. What is your second wish?"

"Well, I always wanted to swim in the Black Sea. That is my second request."

"What?! The Black Sea is frozen. It's winter now!"

"Well," the Yid answered, "I'm prepared to wait."

"O.K.," The judge said banging down his gavel, "the police will come to you on a beautiful summer's day and escort you to the ocean where you will swim to your hearts content from sun rise until sunset. Then you will be brought here to complete the sentencing."

On a beautiful summer's day, the police came to the man's house and took him to the nicest resort area on the Black Sea. The Yid swam and swam the entire day and then after sunfall, was ushered in front of the judge.

"The state has kept it's word. Now you may have your last wish, after which you will be executed! What is it?"

"Well," the Yid began, "nothing could please me more than to be buried in a cemetery along side of you."

"What?" the judge said, "but I'm not dead yet. How could we do that?"

"I don't know, but I'm prepared to wait"

lol too long

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So -- you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." He hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?" The rabbi replies, "No . . . I think I'll wait for the police."

bad belle

lol, dats funny

the rabbi must be an Ibo man`

bashy_demy:

the rabbi must be an Ibo man`

Little Peter asks his father one day, "Daddy, how was I born?"
His father replies, "Ah, Peter my son, I guess one day you’ll need to find out anyway so let me tell you how. Well, you see, your mother and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date with her via email and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither of us was using a firewall and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said - You've Got Male.”

Sick leave
Tom urgently needs a few days off work, but knows that his boss will not allow him to take leave. So he thinks, ‘maybe if I act crazy, my boss will tell me to take a few days off.’ So Tom hangs upside down from the ceiling and starts to make funny noises.
Mary, his blonde assistant asks him what he thinks he’s doing. Tom tells her he’s pretending to be a light bulb so the boss will think he’s crazy and give him a few days off. Two minutes later the boss comes into the office and asks Tom, "What are you doing?"
When Tom tells him he’s a light bulb, the boss says, "You’re clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."
Tom jumps down and walks out of the office. When Mary starts to follow him, the boss asks her, "And where do you think you're going, madam?"
She replies, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

The Rabbi and his Wife

The Rabbi and his wife were cleaning up the house. The Rabbi came across a
box he didn't recognize. His wife told him to leave it alone, it was
personal.

One day, she was out and his curiosity got the better of him. He opened
the box and inside he found 3 eggs and $2000. When his wife came home, he
admitted that he had opened the box and asked her to explain the contents
to him.

She told him, every time he had a bad sermon, she would put an egg in the
box. He thought to himself, "In twenty years, only three bad sermons,
that's not bad." His wife continued, "And every time I got a dozen eggs,
I would sell them for $1."

hmm!

A doctor and his wife are having a terrible fight at the breakfast table. The doctor gets up in a rage and walks out yelling, "and you are not any good in bed either" as he storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends. He calls his wife and after at least a dozen rings she answers the phone.

Again irritated the doctor says "what took you so long to answer the phone"? She says, "I was in bed".
"In bed this late in the day, doing what?" "I was getting a second opinion" she replied.

lol
wat a sexyyyyyyyy opinion,

Q: Is one permitted to ride in an airplane on the Sabbath?
A: Yes, as long as your seat belt remains fastened. In this case, it is considered that you are not riding, you are wearing the plane.

What's In A Name?

A young Jewish guy develops a crush on a girl, but when he tells his Father about her, the old boy just wants to know her family name. When the young guy tells him that the girl's name is Ford, the old boy tells him that Ford is not a good Jewish name, and he must forget her, and go and find a nice Jewish girl. So time passes, and the young guy finds another girl, but her name is Austin, so his Father tells him the same thing, to find a nice Jewish girl with a nice Jewish name. So more time passes, and the young guy finds another girl, but this time he is sure that he has solved the problem because the girl's name is Goldberg. "Goldberg !" exclaims his Father, "This makes me very happy because it is a real good Jewish name, and from a good established family" Then he asks what her first name is. "Is it one of my favourite names, like Rachael, or Rebecca ?" "No Father" replied the young guy. "It's Whoopi"

A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to G-d.
The man asked, "G-d, what's a million years to you?"
And G-d said "A minute."
Then the man asked:
"Well, what's a million dollars to you?"
and G-d said: "A penny"
Then the man asked:
"G-d, can I have a penny?"
And G-d said:
"Sure, In a minute."

A little old lady was in the kitchen one day, washing the dishes when suddenly a little genie appeared beside her.

"You've led a long and good life" the genie said, "I have come to reward you by granting you three wishes. Ask for anything you want and I will make it happen."

The old lady was surprised but cynical. Not really believing that anything would happen she decided to play along for a minute. "Ok" she said, "turn all those dirty dishes into money." With that there was a big Poof! and the dishes had turned into a big pile of cash.

"My" said the old lady, staggered that it had actually worked, "Perhaps you could make me look young and beautiful again?" There was another big poof and the woman now looked lots younger and was very good looking. Excitedly she carried on, "Can you turn my dear old cat into a handsome young man?"

Once more there was a big Poof, and the cat was replaced by a handsome young man. Smiling devilishly she turned to the young man and said "At last! Now I want to make love with you for the rest of the day and all night too!"

The young man just looked at her for moment then replied in a high pitched voice, "Well you should have thought about that before you took me to the vet's shouldn't you!"

AN OCCUPATIONAL HAZZARD


A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money.

The gang was very happy to escape. "It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."

The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers, we had $100 when we broke in!"

Forget about the past, you can't change it.
Forget about the future, you can't predict it.
Forget about the present, I didn't get you one.

Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing.
I told my computer that today is my birthday,
and it said that I needed an upgrade.

Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday. Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner. Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, "A bottle of wine?"
His employees replied, "No."
Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. "A bottle of scotch?"
"His employees replied again, "No."
Finally the boss asked, "I give up. What is it?"
His workers responded, "A puppy."

Q. What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
A. They were all born on holidays.

Q. What was the average age of a cave man?
A. Stone Age!

Q. What goes up and never comes down?
A. Your age!

Q. What party game do rabbits like to play?
A. Musical Hares!

Q. What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday?
A. Thanks. I'll never part with it!

Q. Why was the stationmaster's son having a cake on a train seat?
A. It was his berth-day.


Birthday One-liners -



Blowing out candles is good exercise for the lungs.

The only assured gift that every one of us gets on our birthday is another year.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

Birthdays are nature's way of telling us to eat more cake.

:p

lol siggy palava

common sense