Star Wars 3: For those who have watched it. - TV/Movies - Nairaland
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The Best Season Film You Have Watched / Alfa Sule: Oti Gan Pa: Have You Watched It? / Day Break Season 2: Who Has Watched It (2) (3) (4)
| Star Wars 3: For those who have watched it. by Seun(m): 9:23pm On Jun 11, 2005 |
STAR WARS: EPISODE III - REVENGE OF THE SITH: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT™ By Rod Hilton FADE IN: EXT. SPACE Two NOT-QUITE-TIE-FIGHTERS fly and zoom around, the camera chasing wildly behind them in a way that only computer generated scenes can show. We see that they have EWAN MCGREGOR and HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN in them. EWAN MCGREGOR I can hardly tell who is shooting who in this dizzying space battle sequence! HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN Yeah, it's pretty confusing. EWAN MCGREGOR No, I mean literally dizzying! (vomits) They fly toward CHRISTOPHER LEE'S SHIP so they can rescue SUPREME CHANCELLOR IAN MCDIARMID. EWAN MCGREGOR Oh no, the hangar has shields up! HAYDEN shoots something next to the shield and they deactivate. EWAN MCGREGOR The thing that powers the shield is on the outside of the ship? HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN Yeah, it's pretty stupid. It'd be like a life support system being in a box on someone's chest. They land inside the ship and TAKE SOME DROIDS TO SCHOOL. EWAN MCGREGOR I sure am enjoying the feeling of brotherly camaraderie between us. HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN Yeah, it is nice. Seems like the sort of thing that should have been in the last film. Oh well, at least there were scenes of me rolling around in the grass. They make their way toward CHRISTOPHER LEE and IAN MCDIARMID, using the help of R2D2, who uses his rockets to fly again, in spite of everyone trying so hard to forget that ever happened. They find IAN. IAN MCDIARMID Help me! I am trapped in a comfortable chair overlooking all of the destruction I have wrought! Suddenly, CHRISTOPHER LEE enters. CHRISTOPHER LEE I have been waiting a long time for a rematch. Now, you will have to face a stunt double with my face pasted on! They DUEL. CHRISTOPHER LEE easily dispatches EWAN. HAYDEN fights him and eventually KILLS him. HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN (furrowing his brow) Wow, that was it for Christopher Lee, huh? Seems almost pointless to have killed Darth Maul and introduced him in the first place. HAYDEN, EWAN, and IAN all begin to leave, but they are CAPTURED and brought before GENERAL GREVIOUS, A ROBOTIC SKELETON. GENERAL GREVIOUS (coughing) I will now add your lightsabers to my collection of Star Wars memorabilia. He places them inside a VINTAGE 1970'S STAR WARS LUNCH BOX WITH THERMOS NO RESERVE!! HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN Artoo, freak the hell obnoxiously! He DOES. This distracts everyone long enough for EWAN to get his LIGHTSABER back. There is a short battle in which an OPPORTUNITY TO SHOW THAT GREVIOUS IS AS BADASS AS WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE is missed. GENERAL GREVIOUS (coughing and wheezing) I will run like a coward, further failing to illustrate how intimidating my character is meant to be! HAYDEN crashes the ship to the ground and SAVES EVERYONE. There is MILD CELEBRATION followed by a cameo by NATALIE PORTMAN, the linchpin of HAYDEN'S turn to the dark side. NATALIE PORTMAN (yawning) Hayden, I'm pregnant. HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN (furrowing his brow) How can you be sure? NATALIE PORTMAN Because in a minute or two I'll actually be showing. Really. We cut to HAYDEN having a nightmare about NATALIE giving birth to a GUNGAN. NATALIE is visibly pregnant now in a single shot, the only indicator at all that any time has passed since the previous scene. Nothing happens for a while, and eventually HAYDEN seeks the advice of IAN MCDIARMID. INT. SOME WEIRD OPERA THING IAN MCDIARMID You seem worried about Natalie dying. Also, you're confused about being a Jedi. HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN (furrowing his brow) They don't want me to **** Natalie Portman. That's insanity. Did you see her in Closer? Holy ****. IAN MCDIARMID Did you know that those who embrace the Dark Side have a lot of powers that Jedi do not? For example, they can influence that midichlorian bullshit to create life. HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN Create life? Wait, are you implying that my supposed virgin birth was-- IAN MCDIARMID And they can stop others from dying. HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN Stop others? Like, if someone force chokes them and they start to die because of it hours later? IAN MCDIARMID Yup. HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN That's distracting enough that I'll not bother following up on the other thing you said. Meanwhile... EXT. KASHYYK YODA leads an army of WOOKIEES to fight against DROIDS. The scene is utterly superfluous and present solely to have a scene containing WOOKIEES. It also serves to make the STAR WARS UNIVERSE seem even smaller with more cameos by characters from the original trilogy. CHEWBACCA Nyaaarrrgghh. EXT. UTAPAU EWAN MCGREGOR finds out that GENERAL GREVIOUS is hiding on UTAPAU. He jumps on a RIDICULOUSLY LOUD AND ANNOYING IGUANA. IGUANA Shriek! Shriek! The IGUANA'S sounds are ear-piercing and awful, making the AUDIENCE MISERABLE during any scene containing it. EWAN rides it up to GENERAL GREVIOUS and challenges him. EWAN MCGREGOR I will attempt to destroy you now, without waiting for my support troops to arrive. GENERAL GREVIOUS (coughing) Are you serious? You've lost literally every single duel you've been a part of except for the one with Darth Maul. Hayden constantly mentions how many times he has saved you. What have you done in the entire prequel trilogy so far to prove that you're actually a decent fighter? EWAN MCGREGOR Hey, I sorta beat Jango Fett. So, what's with the coughing, do droids get colds or something? GENERAL GREVIOUS (wheezing) Oh no, see, I'm a cyborg, not a droid. Check it out, I have an actual beating heart. EWAN shoots it and GREVIOUS'S HEAD explodes in a ball of fire. EWAN MCGREGOR That made sense. INT. CORUSCANT HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN runs up to SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN Samuel, I rented the original Star Wars trilogy from Blockbuster. I'm pretty sure Ian McDiarmid is a Sith Lord. SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON Then it's time to get medieval on some ass. HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN Let me come with you. SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON No, go your room. SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON and some OTHER JEDI go to see IAN. Meanwhile HAYDEN stares out the window of the JEDI TEMPLE, toward NATALIE PORTMAN'S APARTMENT. Though he says nothing, we can see that he is conflicted, trying to decide between his commitment to the Jedi order and his love for his wife. NATALIE, at the same time, gazes toward the Jedi Temple, wondering what will happen to her husband. HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN How pathetic is it that the best acted scene between us is the one in which we are in separate buildings and have no lines? SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON enters IAN MCDIARMID'S CHAMBER. SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON Ian, you're under arrest for being a manipulative motherfucker. IAN MCDIARMID I got a threshold, Jedi. I got a threshold for the abuse I'll take. And right now I'm a race car and you got me in the red. I'm just saying that it's fuckin' dangerous to have a racecar in the fuckin' red. It could blow. SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON Oh, you're gettin' ready to blow? IAN MCDIARMID I could blow. SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON Well I'm a mushroom-cloud-layin' motherfucker, motherfucker! Every time my fingers touch my lightsaber I'm Superfly TNT. I'm the Guns of Navarone. Suddenly, IAN pulls out his LIGHTSABER. He moves toward the JEDI, pulls his arm back, aims at a Jedi, kills him, pulls his blade out, moves toward another, and slowly kills him too, all while SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON twirls his lightsaber around pointlessly behind them. Once only SAMUEL is left, they DUEL. IAN makes silly faces and is eventually beaten. HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN arrives. SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON Let me read to you from the book of Ezekiel for a-- Suddenly, IAN unleashes some force lightning on SAMUEL, which he absorbs into his lightsaber and somehow pushes back onto IAN, which causes him to grow old, apprently. HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN Wow, you really can absorb force lightning with a lightsaber. Someone really, really needs to tell Luke that. Anyway, Ian, I think Samuel is about to rip you a new one, mind telling how to save Natalie real quick? SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON Bleep that, I'm killing this geezer now. HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN You can't. He must stand trial. Killing him now would be.. er, well it would be exactly the same as when I killed Christoper Lee in the beginning of the movie. SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON You're actually right, but I'm going to kill him anyway. HAYDEN stops him and IAN throws him out the window, a fall which no PARTIALLY ELECTROCUTED JEDI CAPABLE OF SUPER-JUMPING could possibly survive. HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN What have I done? (pause) I submit myself to your will, Ian. IAN MCDIARMID That was fast. Well, now that you have taken a single, somewhat justifiable step toward the Dark Side, there's no turning back. Go kill all of the Jedi in the temple, including the children. HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN Right, go kill the children. Got it. IAN MCDIARMID Well, kill everyone, not just-- HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN (leaving) On my way to kill all of the children now! Whee! He DOES. The CLONE TROOPERS kill most of the adult Jedi, while the challenging task of murdering children can only be undertaken by the DARK LORD OF THE SITH. EXT. UTAPAU IAN MCDIARMID appears in a HOLOGRAPH to one of the CLONE TROOPERS. IAN MCDIARMID Execute order 66. CLONE TROOPER Kill all shrieking CGI creatures. (to his troop) Alright men, shoot down the giant Iguana. IAN MCDIARMID Oh, and order 67. CLONE TROOPER Jedi, too. Got it. They shoot at EWAN, who falls into the water. CLONE TROOPER He's dead. Nobody could have survived that fall. Except a Jedi, of course. EWAN MCGREGOR Jesus, they've become really stupid. This movie really DOES bridge the gap between the original trilogy and the prequel trilogy. EXT. MYGEETO Suddenly, all of the clone troopers turn against KI-ADI-MUNDI and shoot him. KI-ADI-MUNDI Oh no, I'm being shot at less than when the Jedi had to fight all of the droids at the end of Attack of the Clones! Somehow, they are overpowering me, though! (dies) CLONE TROOPERS kill all remaining JEDI all over the galaxy. Meanwhile, HAYDEN travels to MUSTAFAR to kill all of the separatists. JAR JAR, sadly, is not one of them. INT. NATALIE PORTMAN'S APARTMENT EWAN arrives to talk to NATALIE. EWAN MCGREGOR Natalie, do you know where Hayden is? I just saw some security recordings of the Jedi temple, and apparently also of Ian McDiarmid's chamber afterwards. Or beforehand. Or an alternate universe, perhaps. Anyway, he was killing children! NATALIE PORTMAN Hayden? No! I refuse to entertain this notion and will dismiss your concerns outright. Hayden would never kill children! (pause) Oh, wait, unless they were sandpeople. Then he would kill them. But he's definitely not a murderer otherwise. EWAN stows away on NATALIE'S SHIP as she FLIES to MUSTAFAR. EXT. MUSTAFAR NATALIE'S SHIP lands and she runs to HAYDEN. NATALIE PORTMAN Hayden! I heard you've gone toward the dark side! It's not true, is it? Why are your eyes all red? HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN (furrowing his brow) You brought Ewan, didn't you? To actually act well and make me look wooden and awful! NATALIE PORTMAN Of course not! I'm even worse than you in this movie, why would I bring someone capable of acting well here? HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN (comically) Liar! He chokes her. NATALIE PORTMAN (collapsing) Urk! HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN Oh baby, I'm sorry. I only force choke you because I love you. Come back to me baby. EWAN MCGREGOR Hayden! I know you're not really evil - you try to look evil by glowering everywhere, but you really just wind up looking confused all the time! Come back to the Jedi order! HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN From my point of view, the Jedi are stupid! I mean, really stupid! They didn't know I was married to Natalie, which Ian figured out in seconds. They didn't know Ian was a Sith. They asked me to get close to him, knowing full well I am confused and that he's manipulative. God, the assassin from Attack of the Clones allegedly couldn't be sent by Christopher Lee because "it's not in his character." Face it, it's a miracle the Jedi survived this long. EWAN MCGREGOR Anti-Jedite! They DUEL. Then they DUEL some more. Afterwards, they do some more DUELLING. Then there's another DUEL, a little DUELLING, and finally a DUEL. EWAN MCGREGOR It's over, Hayden. If you jump over to me, I will cut your **** off. HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN You underestimate my power to decide not to jump to the low ground in front of you where I will be able to safely continue duelling, but to instead try to jump all the way over you and get my **** cut off! He JUMPS and gets SLICED AND DICED. Then COMPLETELY BURNED. HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN Motherfucker! EWAN MCGREGOR I'm leaving, Hayden! Even though you are writhing in agony, I won't do the humane thing and put you out of your misery. You're the ****, though. He leaves. IAN arrives shortly after. IAN MCDIARMID Take him back to Coruscant so we can put him in the big black life support suit that I just so happen to have laying around for just such an occasion. They DO. INT. POLIS MASSA HOSPITAL ROOM A CGI MEDICAL DROID is delivering NATALIE'S CHILDREN. Another CGI DROID talks to EWAN and JIMMY SMITS. JIMMY SMITS Jesus, not every scene needs some digital character in them. She's giving birth, can't we leave at least a FEW frames of the film free from CGI bullshit? Hell, Ewan chould have delivered the twins, that would be more dramatic. DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS More what? MEDICAL DROID She's dying. She has given up the will to live. EWAN MCGREGOR Given up the will to live? She does know she has two brand new babies to live for, doesn't she? NATALIE has her twins, the order of which creates a completely unnecessary continuity error for no reason other than the fact that DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS must really enjoy watching his obsessive fans rationalize obvious flaws. She DIES. INT. ALDERAAN CRUISER YODA, EWAN, and JIMMY discuss what to do with A NEW HOPE. JIMMY SMITS I will take the girl. Hey Ewan, if you know about Leia, how come you refer to Luke as your last hope in Empire Strikes Back? EWAN MCGREGOR I know about Leia, but Alec Guiness doesn't. YODA Oh, that reminds me! Speaking of justifying obvious dialogue blunders created by the fact that George Lucas didn't actually have all six films firmly in his mind when he was making any given one, I need to train you how to be a force ghost so you can explain to Luke how Vader killed his father. EWAN MCGREGOR Where should we keep him in the mean time? YODA Take him to his family on Tatooine. EWAN MCGREGOR Wait, really? You mean, to hide him from Hayden and Ian, we're going to allow him to keep the last name Skywalker, bring him to Hayden's birth planet, and put him in the care of his actual relatives? It would take like an hour of research to track him down if the Empire wanted him. YODA Well, go watch over him from really far away to make sure he's safe. INT. CORUSCANT IMPERIAL REHAB CENTER DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN, in full suit, is situated upright. DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN Where's Natalie Portman? Suddenly I am worried about her again. IAN MCDIARMID It seems that in your overacting, you killed her. DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN Wow, you'd think that would really make me see the error of the Dark Side, realize the Jedi were right all along, and kill you right now. Ah well. IAN MCDIARMID So, now that the movie is over, would you say that the prequel trilogy was worth making? DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! END From: http://ter.air0day.com/?script=revengeofthesith  |
| Re: Star Wars 3: For those who have watched it. by Vieira(m): 9:55am On Jun 12, 2005 |
| Nice! |
| Re: Star Wars 3: For those who have watched it. by hotangel2(f): 6:50am On Jun 22, 2005 |
Only white folks love star wars. Blacks don't. i ain't never seen a white dude going to watch star wars. I really don't think i wanna see star wars. It's pure nonsense |
| Re: Star Wars 3: For those who have watched it. by Vieira(m): 11:22am On Jun 22, 2005 |
hot-angel: huh? I think you have contradicted yourself by mistake in that post! I like Star Wars(the originals) anyway so I must be white then. |
| Re: Star Wars 3: For those who have watched it. by Seun(m): 11:33am On Jun 22, 2005 |
I must be white, too, since I like it. |
| Re: Star Wars 3: For those who have watched it. by hotangel2(f): 7:16pm On Jun 22, 2005 |
Seun: lol. Ma bad. I made a mistake in the other post i made. But seriously most black people here don't wanna see it. |
| Re: Star Wars 3: For those who have watched it. by Latoya(f): 7:02am On Jul 29, 2005 |
Stars wars 3 rocks  |
| Re: Star Wars 3: For those who have watched it. by ganjamo(m): 1:39pm On Aug 13, 2005 |
[I've been a] Star Wars fan since I was like 5. I've always been a sci-fi buff; the only thing with me is that I like the dark side better. I hate all that Obi-Wan goody two shoes business. So in actuallity episode three came as a consolation for me. Dark side!  |
| Re: Star Wars 3: For those who have watched it. by Bibi(m): 7:13pm On Aug 13, 2005 |
It ROCKS. Im black and I love Star Wars..... Those of you who tagged star wars as a white thing are simply out of touch with real entertainment. Entertainment shouldnt be a black or white thing. May the force be with you all. TURN FROM THE DARK SIDE |
| Re: Star Wars 3: For those who have watched it. by ganjamo(m): 1:07am On Aug 14, 2005 |
for real entertainment is universal but am still stickin to da DARK SIDE mon ami...... |
| Re: Star Wars 3: For those who have watched it. by eveseh(f): 3:23pm On Apr 20, 2006 |
that movie looks fake to me  |
| Re: Star Wars 3: For those who have watched it. by Seun(m): 9:23pm On Jan 28, 2007 |
Feel the force, gurl. Feel it, let it move through you! |
| Re: Star Wars 3: For those who have watched it. by bigspif(m): 11:50am On Feb 01, 2007 |
BEEN A FAN TOO SINCE THE AGE OF 6 YEARS AND PROUD TO SAY I HAVE ALL THEM ALL EPISODES ON DVD. HAN SOLO ROCKS OBI WAN ROCKS @EVESEH MAY DA FORCE BE WITH YOU |
| Re: Star Wars 3: For those who have watched it. by Seun(m): 8:44pm On Oct 19, 2007 |
I love this movie. I think it's the light saber, the ultimate sword: weightless and cuts anything. |
| Re: Star Wars 3: For those who have watched it. by Gamine(f): 8:50pm On Oct 19, 2007 |
I have always loved Darth Vader the name is too, Wow!! lol i love Ewan mcgregor as Master kenobi!! The light sabers r too posh!!! Tite movie n concept i love!!! |
| Re: Star Wars 3: For those who have watched it. by Seun(m): 11:59pm On Mar 30, 2008 |
| Re: Star Wars 3: For those who have watched it. by Neoteny(m): 10:36am On Mar 31, 2008 |
this is, without question, the funniest parody ive ever read. starwars movies are dire and plotless with bumbling dialog, shoddy acting and a too liberal overdose of computer effects. maybe the cgi is to mask the bad acting. the best character ever is watto. the worst is jar jar binks (and jabba. and yoda. and boba fett, and chewbacca. and c3p0. and r2d2. and-okay, stop. we know starwars sux. that explains why lucas cant do anything non-starwars) |
| Re: Star Wars 3: For those who have watched it. by Neoteny(m): 10:42am On Mar 31, 2008 |
tHE mATRIX FADE IN: INT. DARK, NOIR-ESQUE ROOM A bunch of cops break in and find CARRIE-ANNE MOSS. She’s dressed in leather, because she is FEMALE in a SCI-FI THRILLER. POLICE OFFICER I think we can handle this one little girl. She jumps up and the shot freezes. We spin around her for no real reason except that it looks extremely COOL. We feel the sudden urge to buy Khaki pants. She kicks all of the ASSES of the cops and runs. HUGO WEAVING chases after her. HUGO WEAVING I’ll get you. That’s for syuuuuuuuure. She gets away. INT. KEANU’S ULTRA-HIGH-TECH ROOM KEANU REEVES sleeps at his computer, listening to a cool song that will NOT be on the soundtrack. His computer turns itself on. COMPUTER Hello Keanu. Follow the white rabbit. KEANU REEVES Dude, Suddenly, there is a KNOCK on the door. Keanu answers it. KEANU REEVES Whoa. SUPER-LEET-HACKER-DRUGGIE GUY Give me some stuff that I am paying you for. I am so noir. KEANU REEVES (handing him the disk) Dude. SUPER-LEET-HACKER-DRUGGIE GUY Hey, want to come with us to a cool dance club whose lighting can increase the noir-factor of this movie even more? KEANU REEVES No way. He sees the GUY’S GIRLFRIEND’S little white rabbit. KEANU REEVES Whoa. Uh, rock on, dude. He follows them to the club “tech-noir.” INT. DARK, NOIR-ESQUE CLUB CARRIE-ANNE MOSS I have the answers. Follow me. KEANU REEVES Excellent! INT. DARK, NOIR-ESQUE BUILDING LAURENCE FISHBURNE sits in a chair. FILM CRITICS This is another one of those stupid action movies, isn’t it? I’ve been complaining for years and years how action movie plots aren’t interesting or creative and this will be another one. KEANU REEVES Hey, dude. What is the Matrix? LAURENCE proceeds to explain the plot, which is very CREATIVE and INTERESTING and makes the AUDIENCE think. FILM CRITICS I don’t understand it. This movie’s plot is too contrived and it isn’t explained well enough. I hate action movies and there’s nothing you can do to please me, so there! Where are my prunes? LAURENCE begins to train KEANU on how to fight so that the WACHOWSKI BROTHERS can do the Hong-Kong fight scenes they’ve dreamed of. INT. DOJO Cool music plays in the background. It will also not be on the soundtrack. KEANU makes comical motions and gets into typical martial arts poses. His lanky body looks uncomfortable as hell doing this. LAURENCE FISHBURNE (scowling) I will scowl now, as that’s what I always do. They train and KEANU learns how to fight well and use his abilities so that he can kick HUGO WEAVING’S ASS, which is important because HUGO can move in and out of whoever he wants so any kung-fu fight against him is USELESS. INT. SUBWAY The gang is being chased into the subway by the evil HUGO. KEANU has lost all of the eight trillion guns he had, but he’s still wearing his black trenchcoat and eight trillion dollar sunglasses, so he’s still very BAD ASS. The group members need to each pick up the phone one at a time in order to exit. LAURENCE exits. CARRIE-ANNE is next. CARRIE-ANNE MOSS I just wanted to take this time to tell you something. KEANU REEVES Dude? CARRIE-ANNE MOSS I know we’re being chased and all… by a killing machine… that can completely destroy us, KEANU REEVES Dude. CARRIE-ANNE MOSS but, I don’t care. I think now is the best time to say something which I won’t explain. I was told something about my life. All of it came true except one thing. This one thing. The one thing of which I am currently thinking. This one thing which is so vitally important that I had to mention it to you while we’re being chased. KEANU REEVES What? CARRIE-ANNE MOSS I can’t tell you now, we’re being chased. I’ll tell you when you get out. She leaves and HUGO shoots the phone. HUGO WEAVING You weren’t going to call with 1-800-COLLECT, were you? KEANU REEVES Dude! HUGO WEAVING Are you ready to fight me? You seem somewhat unsyuuuuuuuuuuuuuure. They proceed to shoot each other for a bit, then the FAKE guns run out of FAKE bullets, none of which actually exist, but they run out anyway because KEANU needs to show off all the kung-fu he trained for before making the film. They have a Hong-Kong style fight scene. Both of them kick each others asses for about 20 minutes. KEANU finally wins! AUDIENCE HOORAY! GO KEANU! Suddenly, another HUGO WEAVING steps out of a subway train door, making the last 20 minutes entirely pointless, but cool-looking nonetheless. KEANU runs like HELL. INT. DARK, NOIR-ESQUE ROOM KEANU is about to pick up the phone. HUGO WEAVING stops him. HUGO WEAVING First, you must prove you believe you are the One by kicking the shit out of me. It’s a test you must endyuuuuure. KEANU kicks the SHIT out of HUGO. He makes him explode and then gives him the finger and breaks his sunglasses and kicks him in the TESTICLES and decapitates him and shoves his head back up his own BUTT. Vicariously through KEANU, The AUDIENCE feels very BAD ASS. They immediately buy SUNGLASSES and TRENCHCOATS and see if they can fall backwards in slow motion to dodge BULLETS. FILM CRITICS What the hell was all that? Not only was the plot absurd, but it had those mindless typical action movie fights. Either I’m an idiot and don’t realize that this is a sci-fi ACTION movie or the film just plain sucks, now which one do you think is right? Has anyone seen the stick I had up my ass? I can’t find it. The credits roll. All of the songs that actually ARE on the soundtrack are now played. the matrix reloaded FADE IN: EXT. DARK, NOIR-ESQUE CITY STREET A computer model of CARRIE-ANNE MOSS with an inhuman-looking face flies out of a window, shoots at an agent, and is killed. INT. THE NEBUCHADNEZZAR - BLUE KEANU REEVES wakes up from his nightmare. CARRIE-ANNE MOSS, played by a human being, is laying next to him. KEANU REEVES Whoa. CARRIE-ANNE MOSS What’s the matter? Did you wet the bed again? KEANU REEVES I had this dream. You flew out of a window in slow-motion and shot at an agent and he killed you. CARRIE-ANNE MOSS Well of course you dreamed that - you’ve gone online and watched the Matrix Reloaded trailer like fifty times in the past two days. KEANU REEVES Did you see the computer generated me fight all those Agent Smiths? It was awesome! I’m going to go hack in and watch it again now. INT. DARK, NOIR-ESQUE SEWER LAURENCE FISHBURNE, CARRIE-ANNE MOSS, and KEANU REEVES join #SewerChat with all the other rebels. LAURENCE FISHBURNE Gimme ops! I want ops! JADA PINKETT SMITH Shut up. Listen everyone. The Osiris has sent a transmission - the machines are drilling straight down to Zion. It’s a wonder they didn’t think to do this sooner. LAURENCE FISHBURNE Ops! Ops! Ops! JADA PINKETT SMITH Fine! Jesus. * SexyJada69 sets mode: +o TheOneBeliever. LAURENCE FISHBURNE Woohoo! * SexyJada69 was kicked by TheOneBeliever (Don’t hog ops!) * Joins: SexyJada69 JADA PINKETT SMITH Not funny. LAURENCE FISHBURNE Sorry. Okay, everyone. I believe the Gloria Foster will contact us soon, so I need one ship to stay back here and be available if she makes contact. This goes directly against the order of our military commander, but he’s a total privates, so mess him. * SexyJada69 has quit (irc.logos.net irc.thematrix.com) * -[Ghost]- has quit (irc.logos.net irc.thematrix.com) * StokChar02 has quit (irc.rebels.net irc.thematrix.com) * StokChar01 has quit (irc.rebels.net irc.thematrix.com) * TheOne has quit (irc.nebuchadnezzar.net irc.thematrix.com) * Trin303 has quit (irc.nebuchadnezzar.net irc.thematrix.com) LAURENCE FISHBURNE Oh shit. * Joins: -[Ghost]- * Joins: StokChar02 * Joins: TheOne * Joins: AgentJohnson * Joins: Trin303 * Joins: StokChar01 * Joins: AgentJackson * Joins: SexyJada69 * irc.thematrix.com sets mode: +o AgentJohnson * irc.thematrix.com sets mode: +o AgentJackson * AgentJackson sets mode: -o TheOneBeliever * AgentJohnson changes topic to ‘Th3 M4tr1x h4s j00 h4h4!!1!’ JADA PINKETT SMITH Agents! Get the hell out of here! * Parts: SexyJada69 * Parts: StokChar01 * Parts: StokChar02 * Parts: Trin303 * Parts: TheOneBeliever * Parts: -[Ghost]- KEANU REEVES I don’t feel the slightest bit intimidated, and as a result the audience feels absolutely no danger. AGENT JACKSON That’s a shame, since this is the first fight scene and should really get them hyperventilating. They use kung fu and KEANU beats the crap out of the AGENTS and flies away. INT. ZION All of the ships head to ZION. Nothing happens for a while. Characters talk to other characters. Eventually, there is an erotic rave scene, but it too is somewhat boring. The AUDIENCE goes to sleep. AUDIENCE This is what they’re fighting to save? It sucks! Wake me when they’re back in the matrix. Eventually, GLORIA FOSTER contacts KEANU, and they visit her. EXT. WELL-LIT, NON-NOIR PARK KEANU sits down next to GLORIA FOSTER after fighting SING NGAI for no good reason. GLORIA FOSTER Hello Keanu. My dialogue this time around isn’t anywhere near as well written as the last time we talked, so let me get to the chase. I’m a program, all of your decisions have already been made, Trinity is going to die, and you need to find Randall Duk Kim. Gotta run! KEANU REEVES Got it. Hey, have you seen that spoon-bending kid from before? There haven’t been any cool quotable phrases in this movie and I think he could help. GLORA shakes her head and leaves. HUGO WEAVING Mr. Anderson. KEANU REEVES That’s good, but it really came from the first movie. Got anything else? Suddenly, a bunch of other HUGO WEAVINGS show up. They FIGHT to VIDEO GAME MUSIC. Despite all of the enormous hype, it is extremely clear when the scene switches into CGI-mode. HUGO WEAVING Why are you using kung fu? Can’t you jump inside us and delete us like in the last movie? Isn’t that one of your super awesome powers? KEANU REEVES Nah, the only real new power I have is flight. HUGO WEAVING That sucks. KEANU REEVES Not as badly as my appearance when I do my little mid-air spin move with this pole. He fights and fights and fights and eventually gives up and flies away. INT. WELL-LIT, NON-NOIR RESTAURANT LAURENCE, CARRIE-ANNE, and KEANU enter the restaurant and talk to LAMBERT WILSON. LAURENCE FISHBURNE We want Randall Duk Kim. I am totally dead serious here, as I always am. LAMBERT WILSON I won’t give him to you, but you can use my girlfriend, Monica Belluci to go behind my back and get him. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go have some matrix sex. MONICA BELLUCI Grrr, I get so mad when he cheats on me. To spite him, I will give you Randall. KEANU REEVES Wait, you’re a program right? So some machine actually specifically programmed you and gave you the ability to be jealous, conniving, and spiteful? MONICA BELLUCI Not only that, but they made me a hornball. I will only help if you make out with me. LAURENCE FISHBURNE What? It’s bad enough that the agents no longer pose any threat at all, but now these are the kind of obstacles we must overcome to save Zion? Make out with Monica Belluci? What will we have to do next, eat our way through a prison wall made of chocolate? MONICA helps them and they escape with RANDALL DUK KIM in a car. LAURENCE FISHBURNE Hurry, we have to get Randall out of here! CARRIE-ANNE MOSS And take him where, exactly? LAURENCE FISHBURNE Uhhhh, away from the bad guys? It doesn’t matter, we’re just waiting for Neo to save us. CARRIE-ANNE MOSS Don’t you realize that without any real goal, this scene is utterly without tension, regardless of how cool it is, stylistically? LAURENCE FISHBURNE This is a matrix film, there’s no point to anything other than style. They are CHASED by TWO ALBINO RASTAFARIANS. More video game music plays in the background. ALBINO RASTAFARIAN #1 We are utterly pointless. ALBINO RASTAFARIAN #2 Yes we are. Eventually, KEANU REEVES saves them all and takes them to a secret hideout. INT. DARK, NOIR-ESQUE CONFERENCE ROOM LAURENCE, KEANU, CARRIE-ANNE, JADA, and VARIOUS OTHER REBELS meet with RANDALL DUK KIM. RANDALL DUK KIM To save your world, you must strike at exactly midnight, it will require a complicated three-pronged attack… AUDIENCE Holy shit, we’re at the climax of the film! I haven’t seen anything from this in the trailer - it must be fucking amazing, especially since it has to top the burly brawl and the car chase. We see a montage of shots from the important mission while RANDALL and THE REBELS discuss the plan in voiceover. Once the discussion is over, the problem is solved. KEANU enters a ROOM OF LIGHT. INT. WELL-LIT, NON-NOIR WHITE ROOM KEANU enters a white room, the walls of which are covered in monitors. A chair spins around to reveal THE EXPLAINER. KEANU REEVES Who are you? THE EXPLAINER I am The Explainer. I designed the matrix screenplay. Unable to decently explain the convoluted plot well, I have resorted to putting myself here in the final act and having you ask all of the questions the audience wants to ask. (dramatic pause) You must begin by asking your own questions then gradually switch to asking those of the audience, in order to not make this scene any more awkward than it already is. Concordantly, while your first question may be the most pertinent, you may or may not realize it is also the most irrelevant. KEANU REEVES Why am I here? THE EXPLAINER Many years ago, shortly before the success of Speed, you sold your soul to the devil in exchange for a promise of notoriety that your piss-poor acting skills do not deserve. This series is the actualization of this promise. KEANU REEVES What was the Osiris? And who was that kid in zion who kept pestering me? THE EXPLAINER You will find the answers to these questions by purchasing The Animatrix, a collection of nine animated shorts from some of Anime’s top directors. KEANU REEVES Alright. Well, what was that crap Glora said about vampires and werewolves? And how did Jada Pinkett Smith get to Laurence Fishburne during the car chase? And what the hell happened during the power plant takeover climax that-wasn’t? THE EXPLAINER You will find the answers to those questions by purchasing the Enter The Matrix game, available for Windows, Playstation2, Xbox, and Gamecube. Enter the Matrix features awesome gunplay and spectacular martial arts that bend the rules of the Matrix. This game isn’t just set in the Matrix universe–it’s an integral part of the experience, with a story that weaves in and out of The Matrix Reloaded. Enter the Matrix is the story behind the story. KEANU REEVES Fine! Then tell me this, what the hell is with Hugo Weaving saying he and I have some special connection? And how come I can control machines in the real world? And will we win the war if I don’t choose the door to my right? THE EXPLAINER You will find the answers to these questions when you watch The Matrix Revolutions, coming later in 2003. KEANU REEVES I hate you. THE EXPLAINER Perhaps you should drink more Powerade. KEANU REEVES Just answer me one question. We’re not going to find out that the real world is in another matrix, are we? THE EXPLAINER Christ I hope not. KEANU leaves and flies to save CARRIE-ANNE MOSS from being shot. She is SHOT anyway. Then KEANU reaches into her matrix code and pulls out the bullet in a comical fashion. CARRIE-ANNE MOSS That was preposterous. KEANU REEVES Wait till you see what I do outside of the ship. THE CREDITS roll, as DISC ONE of the soundtrack is played in its entirety. NEXT: THE MATRIX REVOLUTIONS FADE IN: INT. TRAIN STATION NOT IN THE MATIRX KEANU stands up to find a group of SYMBOLIC FIGURES. KEANU REEVES Whoa. YOUNGEST PIECE OF SYMBOLISM Hi. My name is Sati-80271. Your name is Keanu Reeves. My papa says you’re that slowpoke from Bill and Ted, are you? KEANU REEVES What? No, that was Alex Winter. Stupid kid, ADULT MALE PIECE OF SYMBOLISM Hi Keanu. My wife and I are programs from the machine world, responsible for various tasks in the land of the machines. We somehow managed to have a daugher and now we’re using this conduit to take her into the matrix where she will be safe. You are here because you are partially tied to the matrix even though you’re not plugged in. KEANU REEVES Bleep! ADULT MALE PIECE OF SYMBOLISM What’s wrong? KEANU REEVES I was really hoping this movie was going to make more sense than Reloaded. Dammit! ADULT FEMALE PIECE OF SYMBOLISM WhatAreYouDoingHere. YouDoNotBelongHere. ADULT MALE PIECE OF SYMBOLISM Ha ha, I apologize for my wife, she’s a terrible actress. More wooden than you, even. Meanwhile, INT. RAVER CLUB ACTUALLY IN THE MATRIX SING NGAI leads LAURENCE FISHBURNE and CARRIE-ANNE MOSS into a nightclub. They are met by BOUNCERS. BOUNCERS Hmmm, The lady in leather can come in, but you two guys will have to go party somewhere else tonight. SING and LAURENCE pull out GUNS and begin shooting the place up. The BOUNCERS jump onto the ceiling and fire back. At one point, one BOUNCER seems to empty an entire clip at LAURENCE while he faces an entirely different direction. LAURENCE slowly turns and kills the BOUNCER, somehow. One bouncer faces CARRIE-ANNE head-on. She moves slightly in random directions, then jumps a tiny bit and punches the air. CARRIE-ANNE MOSS Shit! It’s not working! LAURENCE FISHBURNE It’s Forward-Forward-Back-Up-X. CARRIE-ANNE MOSS I’m fucking doing that! LAURENCE FISHBURNE Do it a little slower. Make sure to press every button. She moves again, jumps, and punches the air. CARRIE-ANNE MOSS Bleep! LAURENCE FISHBURNE Try it faster, like all in one big motion. Hit forward an extra time first, too. CARRIE-ANNE jumps into the air using her signature CRANE special move and kicks the BOUNCER backwards into the wall. CARRIE-ANNE MOSS Yeah! That did it! They proceed into the club and are met by LAMBERT WILSON. LAURENCE FISHBURNE You run a fucking nightclub? LAMBERT WILSON Are you kidding? Did you see what my orgasm cake did to that woman in the restaurant? I make four hundred bucks a pill selling E here. LAURENCE FISHBURNE Well, we’re here to get Keanu back. Give him back to us. LAMBERT WILSON Fine. But first, you must kill the Oracle. That, or fight your way through my army of candy ravers. RAVER Oh my god, it feels soooo good to rub my hands against my backpack right now! Hey, does anyone want a massage? CARRIE-ANNE grabs a gun and points it at LAMBERT’S HEAD. LAMBERT WILSON What do you hope to accomplish? You’re totally outnumbered here. CARRIE-ANNE MOSS Look, I think we’ve tested the audience’s patience enough already. Just give us Keanu and let’s get on with the movie. LAMBERT WILSON Sacre Bleu! They get KEANU out of the train station and return to the REAL WORLD. Meanwhile, KEANU visits MARY ALICE. MARY ALICE Hey. KEANU REEVES Something’s different… MARY ALICE Appearance? Voice? Speech mannerisms? Pretty much everything about me? KEANU REEVES Did you get a haircut? MARY ALICE (sighing) Look, you and Hugo Weaving are opposites, so he’s super powerful now. You have to destroy him or we all die. KEANU REEVES Fine. But, why didn’t you tell me about all that stuff The Explainer told me about before, when I first found out I was The One? MARY ALICE Well, did you like Matrix Reloaded? KEANU REEVES Not particularly. MARY ALICE Did you like the first Matrix? KEANU REEVES Yeah, it was awesome. MARY ALICE There you go. INT. A SHIP NOT IN THE MATRIX KEANU meets back up with everyone in the REAL WORLD. KEANU REEVES Hi everyone. I know now what I need to do. I must travel to the machine city. LAURENCE FISHBURNE What? Why? KEANU REEVES Because you guys are bleeped. I’m switching to the winning team, bitches. CARRIE-ANNE MOSS I’m coming with you. KEANU REEVES I love you. I want you to know though, I probably won’t be coming back, so neither will you. CARRIE-ANNE MOSS Please, you’re one crown of thorns short of being Jesus Christ. I think everyone has known since the start of the last movie you’re going to have to sacrifice yourself. KEANU and CARRIE-ANNE pilot the DOOMED SHIP toward the machine world, while everyone else travels to the DOOMED ZION. INT. A DIFFERENT SHIP, ALSO NOT IN THE MATRIX KEANU and CARRIE-ANNE are flying the ship when suddenly, the second act finally kicks in. IAN BLISS Hello Mr. Reeves. Do you recognize me? I’m vacationing in your world. Would you like to see my brochyuuuuurrrrrree? KEANU REEVES Weaving! They FIGHT. The fighting in the real world is gritty and realistic, unlike the elegant, sissy kung-fu everyone liked the first movie so much for. KEANU wins! Sort of! Meanwhile, INT. ZION, NOT IN THE MATRIX HARRY LENNIX prepares his handful of troops to fight against the enormous army of sentinels coming. Everyone gets into their BATTLEMECHS while NATHANIEL LEES gives a motivational speech. NATHANIEL LEES I know many of you are scared tonight. I also know many of you wonder why we spent so many resources recreating Mechwarrior instead of, perhaps, making EMPs that could be triggered remotely. Well I want you all to remember: if we have to give these bastards our lives, WE PUT THE SPECIAL EFFECTS CREW THROUGH HELL BEFORE WE DO! Everyone cheers. Thousands of computer models fly all around the screen and there are explosions every so often. The Sentinels travel single-file and get picked off by the GIANT CGI ROBOT SUITS. SENTINELS Spread out! Travel in different directions than each other! The Sentinels begin to easily overtake the rebels. EXT. MACHINE CITY, BUT NOT THE MATRIX KEANU and CARRIE-ANNE fly into the city. A hundred sentinels fly at them, and KEANU blows up all but ten of them with his mind. KEANU REEVES I can’t get the last ten. My limit is ninety. Fly into the sky. CARRIE-ANNE MOSS Whatever. She does. Her face fills with light as she sees the sun for the first time in her life. CARRIE-ANNE MOSS No - no words. No words to describe it. Poetry! They should’ve sent a poet. So beautiful. So beautiful… I had no idea. KEANU REEVES (muttering) Stupid agent, blinding me with electrical wires, The ship begins falling, into the machine city. KEANU REEVES Ahh! Aim for the center of the city! Pump the igniter! CARRIE-ANNE MOSS I - I can’t! Everywhere I look I see these giant red dots, Sometimes they’re kind of greenish or blueish! KEANU REEVES No! You looked at the sun too long! Look at stuff out of the corner of your eye! CARRIE-ANNE MOSS Oh my god, it’s so annoying! I can’t look straight at anything because of these dots! What the hell?! KEANU REEVES Carrie-Anne, concentrate! You have to look – SUDDENLY, the ship crashes into the city somewhere. KEANU walks out and meets with A GIANT MACHINE WITH A FAT FACE CREATED BY HUNDREDS OF LITTLE FLYING MACHINES. SILLY-LOOKING MACHINE What the hell do you want? KEANU REEVES I just want this movie to have one more scene that actually takes place in the matrix before the trilogy ends. I will face Hugo Weaving and we’ll beat up on each other. SILLY-LOOKING MACHINE Good. There’s no way I, as the machine running this whole show, could ever just delete Hugo on my own. I need you to kill him in a simulated reality, that’ll do the trick. KEANU jacks in. In Zion, all the machines PAUSE. EXT. CITY STREET - FINALLY IN THE DAMN MATRIX KEANU faces HUGO. HUGO WEAVING Mr. Reeves, welcome back. Pretty cool rain, huh? Yeah, I did that. KEANU REEVES This ends now. There’s no way anyone would tolerate a fourth movie. HUGO WEAVING Oh, I know it ends. I already know everything that’s going to take place for the next twenty minutes because I’ve been watching episodes of Dragon Ball Z for days. They fight in mid-air for a while, pounding the hell out of each other. Eventually, HUGO beats KEANU. KEANU gets back up. HUGO WEAVING Why do you keep fighting? Why? Why? You know you can’t win! KEANU REEVES I can’t? HUGO WEAVING Of course not! Look around you, you’re surrounded by billions of me! How can you not realize it’s pointless? KEANU REEVES (shrugging) I’m Keanu Reeves, what the hell do you expect? HUGO converts KEANU into another HUGO clone. HUGO WEAVING I win! OTHER HUGO WEAVING Which makes you lose, because any system must balance itself. Everything that has a beginning has an end. Nyah! All of the HUGO WEAVINGS EXPLODE. HUGO WEAVING (exploding) What? This is bullshit! AUDIENCE Seriously. INT. ZION, NOT IN THE MATRIX The machines all leave. HARRY LENNIX It doesn’t make sense. LAURENCE FISHBURNE The fact that the machines are leaving? HARRY LENNIX No, this whole ending! I mean, taken purely as a symbolic film, where nothing portrayed literally happens but is merely a metaphor for various philosophical concepts, sure. But as a literal film - a telling of a story - this is insane. Why couldn’t these events have taken place sooner? Or through entirely different means altogether? LAURENCE FISHBURNE Who cares? The point is we can all return to the surface now! We can live in coexistence with the machines! JADA PINKETT SMITH Yeah! And we can slowly rebuild civilization on the surface, getting us back to where we were when the war started. HARRY LENNIX Yeah! And we can secretly develop better weapons for destroying the machines, which we can eventually use many years down the line to completely eradicate all of the machine world! EVERYONE ELSE Yeah! Kill the machines! ZI-ON! ZI-ON! ZI-ON! |
| Re: Star Wars 3: For those who have watched it. by Neoteny(m): 10:45am On Mar 31, 2008 |
I Am Legend FADE IN: EXT. NEW YORK CITY WILL SMITH walks around the deserted NEW YORK CITY. WILL hunts for animals poorly and generally collects resources for his home, which is an old house with secured windows rather than, say, an abandoned military base. WILL SMITH Well, it sure does suck being the only survivor of a disease that wiped out most of the human population. It’s a good thing I have an unexplained immunity. WILL SMITH’S DOG Woof. WILL SMITH At least I have a dog around, so that I have someone around to talk to and the first hour of the movie isn’t complete silence. WILL SMITH’S DOG Bark. WILL SMITH I should also set up mannequins everywhere so that I can pretend they are people. It’ll be just like those scenes from Castaway where Tom Hanks befriended the volleyball, except my worn-out Fresh Prince sassy shtick will play it up for laughs. MANNEQUIN … WILL SMITH Now that’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout! WILL walks around more of NEW YORK, mostly so we can see how empty it is because AMERICAN AUDIENCES didn’t grasp it when it happened to LONDON in 28 DAYS LATER. WILL SMITH Damn, Times Square is now filthy, covered in garbage, and overrun with animals willing to kill each other to survive. (pause) I guess it’s pretty much the same. In the background is a poster for a Superman/Batman crossover film, which is the highlight of the movie. Suddenly, WILL’S DOG runs into a dark building. WILL SMITH Oh no! My one best friend ran into a building infested with vampires or zombies or monsters or something! You’d think I’d have trained him better than that, given the fact that I’ve had three years to do so! WILL goes in after his dog to rescue it. We finally see the MONSTERS, which are apparently grayish brown blobs in semi-human shapes. WILL and his dog return home. WILL SMITH checks what he is supposed to do next by reading the “I Am Legend” novel. WILL SMITH It says here that I’m now supposed to go around killing vampires at night while they sleep, but that it turns out a bunch of the vampires managed to hold off the infection and are just regular people that look like vampires. Thus, rather than vampires being the evil stalkers of the night killing innocent children in their beds, it is I who have become the deadly evil. WILL SMITH grabs a stake and some garlic before nightfall, but then notices that he is on the cover of TIME magazine. WILL SMITH Oh wait, this magazine says that I’m actually a scientist and I helped create this virus by accident, giving me a strong social responsibility to find a cure. And everyone who is infected is an evil zombie vampire thing, so there’s no moral ambiguity about my role after all. What a wonderfully common premise! The movie turns into a mindless action/horror flick, trading suspense for cheap scares and story for explosions. WILL SMITH So basically this movie has turned into a tired remake of 28 Days Later, but in New York and with shitty special effects. Pretty much the only thing this movie accomplishes is needlessly using the title from the I Am Legend novel, so that nobody can take the far more interesting story it contains and make an actual adaptation of it for a long, long time. Great. WILL SMITH falls for a trap set up by a monster, indicating they are actually intelligent, fully contradicting everything else in the movie and making it extremely clear how many rewrites the script has gone through. In the process, WILL SMITH’S DOG dies, giving him absolutely nobody to talk to. Saddened, he decides to kill himself by being eaten by vampires. Because if you’re going to kill yourself, you may as well make it the most painful, terrifying suicide possible. Suddenly, SOME GIRL, ALICE BRAGA, shows up and saves him. She is accompanied by SOME KID, CHARLIE TAHAN, who is probably either ALICE’S SON or BROTHER, but they are so unimportant that the movie doesn’t bother explaining which. ALICE BRAGA I am a survivor. I have come because of your radio message. We should go to the survivor’s colony together. I believe it is a sign from God that I just happened to show up the day after your dog died. WILL SMITH Sign from God? No, the filmmakers are terrified of the idea that I’d be carrying the movie based solely on my emoting ability. Without my dog around, I had nobody to make wisecracks to, so they wrote you in. WILL SMITH defends his brick-and-wood house against an invasion of vampires. Surprisingly, this goes POORLY. WILL SMITH We have to get to my lab! I’ve been working on a cure for the disease so I can turn the monsters back into normal humans! ALICE BRAGA They’re supposed to be human? I thought they were just generic monsters. If they are supposed to be people, why didn’t we just use skinny people in makeup? Why did we bother going the CGI route with such embarrassingly poor special effects? WILL SMITH That’s not important. What’s important is that I’m a big, important scientist as well as a top military official and I’m going to find a cure. ALICE BRAGA What? The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air as a military drone I can buy, but a top scientist? I find all the vampire shit more believable. WILL SMITH I MUST find a cure. It has been extremely important to me ever since my wife and child died. ALICE BRAGA How tragic! They must have been killed by vampires or turned into vampires or something, given how important it is to you that you find a cure. WILL SMITH Close. They died in a completely unrelated helicopter crash. It has virtually nothing to do with the actual plot of the movie. ALICE BRAGA … CHARLIE TAHAN This movie is stupid as hell. WILL SMITH Now that’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout! ALICE, CHARLIE, and WILL are cornered in WILL’S LABORATORY, which has been reinforced with the strength of glass. MONSTERS try and break in. WILL SMITH I suddenly remember some random thing my kid said to me before the helicopter crash which indicates to me that I should care about Alice even though I already care about her. Clearly I’ll have to sacrifice myself. WILL pulls the pin from a grenade and runs into a throng of MONSTERS, killing himself along with a bunch of MONSTERS that he wanted to cure instead of kill just 1 hour ago. The force of the explosion against ALICE AND CHARLIE’S hiding place shatters their bones, and the resulting fire robs them of any oxygen in the underground lair, seemingly resulting in their painful death. Somehow, they live. And they manage to drive to the survivor’s colony. And they find a cure. Everything turns out AWESOME. |
| Re: Star Wars 3: For those who have watched it. by Neoteny(m): 11:27am On Mar 31, 2008 |
FANTASTIC FOUR 2 FADE IN: INT. COMICAL HOME BASE IOAN GRUFFUDD does sciencey things while JESSICA ALBA whines at him. JESSICA ALBA Every time we try to have our wedding, it’s some big celebrity event! Waaah! IOAN GRUFFUDD Yes, the paparazzi sure are irritating. It’s nice that the biggest obstacle for the Fantastic Four is the same one Britney Spears overcomes daily. JESSICA whines her way into another room and gets distracted by something shiny. CHRIS EVANS enters. CHRIS EVANS I’ve taken my one-dimensional bad-boy act up a notch. I’ve got new costumes with sponsors, which I somehow got made without consulting anyone else. IOAN GRUFFUDD Nobody will wear those, you stereotypical brash youth. We don’t need sponsors. MICHAEL CHIKLIS Actually, how DO we make money? All of this stuff costs a shitload and none of us have jobs other than being superheroes. IOAN GRUFFUDD We sell comic books. CHRIS EVANS Pfft, yeah right. Like anyone actually ever read the “Fantastic Four” comic book. MICHAEL CHIKLIS Yeah, the kids that liked the Fantastic Four were the kids that the other comic book dorks would beat up. Suddenly, a bunch of TOTALLY SUPER SERIOUS MILITARY GUYS enter. SERIOUS MILITARY GUY Ioan, we need your help. There is strange cosmic activity all over the planet. It might be something really bad. JESSICA ALBA No! We’re having a wedding tomorrow! IOAN GRUFFUDD She’s right. Though the entire planet is potentially in danger, our wedding takes top priority. SERIOUS MILITARY GUY How heroic and admirable. No wonder you’ve had two movies made about you. The movie centers around the goddamn wedding of some boring characters for half an hour before the title character appears. The wedding gets interrupted by NAKED SILVER LAURENCE FISHBURNE flying around. CHRIS EVANS Why is there a surfing hood ornament in the city? SILVER LAURENCE FISHBURNE I am the herald for Galactus. I check out planets and let him know if they will be good to eat. This planet tastes like chicken, and he will enjoy it deep fried. CHRIS EVANS Galactus? The giant purple robot from the comics? SILVER LAURENCE FISHBURNE Basically. Except more gray than purple. And more of a cloud than a robot. A giant robot would be too silly for the movie. CHRIS EVANS And yet a silver guy on a surfboard is just fine? SILVER LAURENCE FISHBURNE flies elsewhere. CHRIS EVANS can now switch powers with everyone he touches, a plot point that is used to awkwardly force a scene in which JESSICA ALBA is naked for a split second. Eventually, an actual action scene occurs, which is a nice idea for an action movie. IOAN GRUFFUDD Alright everyone! We have to put our obnoxious family drama aside and pull together to save the world! (pause) Ioan, with the power to look like a cartoon and permanently destroy the careers of the special effects guys who worked on me! JESSICA ALBA Jessica, with the lame power to turn my zits invisible, but also forcefields because my power sucks so bad! MICHAEL CHIKLIS Michael, with the power to wear an obvious rubber suit that everyone pretends looks like rock even though it doesn’t! CHRIS EVANS And Chris, with the power to tolerate being yelled at by everyone for having the only interesting personality in the entire movie! SERIOUS MILITARY GUY The world is in peril, and only the Fantastic Four can save us now! OTHER SERIOUS MILITARY GUY If our best hope is a dysfunctional family of morons, I think Galactus should just go ahead and eat us. They have a BATTLE, and JESSICA ALBA gets killed! IOAN GRUFFUDD No! (pause) Goddamn, you’re an unconvincing actress even when playing dead, Alba. SILVER LAURENCE FISHBURNE revives her. SILVER LAURENCE FISHBURNE You remind me of the woman I love back on my home planet. Except less silver. I will help save your planet from Galactus. SILVER LAURENCE FISHBURNE somehow uses his powers to destroy GALACTUS. IOAN GRUFFUDD Wait, did he just use the very powers granted by Galactus to destroy Galactus? That makes no sense. JESSICA ALBA They cast a brown-eyed, Mexican brunette as a blue-eyed, white blonde. This movie doesn’t even try to make sense, dude. |
| Re: Star Wars 3: For those who have watched it. by Neoteny(m): 11:29am On Mar 31, 2008 |
300 FADE IN: EXT. SPARTA PERSIAN MESSENGER PETER MENSAH approaches SPARTA and demands to see the king, GERARD BUTLER. PETER MENSAH I am a messenger for Rodrigo Santoro. He wants a gift of water and earth from you as a sign that you fall under his rule. GERARD BUTLER The men and women of Sparta submit to no ruler. PETER MENSAH But they all submit to you. You’re their king. And you submit to a bunch of inbred priests that talk to gods. GERARD BUTLER I shall kill you where you stand for pointing out how silly the premise is! PETER MENSAH Whoa, hold on. You’re going to kill a messenger? For basically insulting your pride? We’ve already established you kill newborn babies if they don’t look great - killing messengers because your dick is small won’t exactly get the audience on your side. GERARD BUTLER Um, it’s for FREEDOM. PETER MENSAH Oh, well if you’re going to use the word “freedom” then that changes everything. Clearly you’re the good guys now. GERARD kills the PERSIANS, sentencing his people to fight a battle they cannot win. This is HEROIC, rather than JUVENILE. EXT. HOT GATES GERARD BUTLER, DAVID WENHAM, VINCENT REGAN, and 297 EXTRAS PISSED OFF THEY SPENT SO MUCH TIME IN THE GYM ONLY TO GET A NON-SPEAKING PART all watch as the invading army of CGI invaders renders itself closer and closer. Suddenly, a MUTANT ANDREW TIERNAN appoaches. MUTANT ANDREW TIERNAN Gerard, let me fight by your side. All I ever get are shit parts on TV shows. I’m finally in a movie, please give me some screen time. GERARD BUTLER No. Even though you know about a secret passage that will allow the Persians to defeat us, I’ve decided once again that my pride is more important than my intelligence. Bleep off. MUTANT ANDREW TIERNAN Geeze, what a dick. You’re sure you’re the good guys in this story? GERARD BUTLER Freedom! DAVID WENHAM Freedom, Bleep yeah! VINCENT REGAN Freedom is good! And since we use the word freedom, it means we embrace it! Freedom freedom! A METRIC FUCKTON of PERSIANS attack, but they are killed. The scenes go in and out of slow-motion stylistically as pixelated blood decorates the fake landscape. VINCENT REGAN If video game makers are trying so hard to make their games “look like movies” why are we trying so hard to make our movie look like a video game? GERARD BUTLER We’re going for the “brainless thick-headed macho asshole” demographic DAVID WENHAM Have you seen our costumes? I’m pretty sure we’re going for the “closeted homosexual” demographic. After some more violence, RODRIGO SANTORO decides to talk. RODRIGO SANTORO Bow before me, your new god. I have divine powers, and I shall spare you if you submit to me. GERARD BUTLER We will never embrace your silly mysticism. We much prefer our own, with all the inbred mutant guys at the top of the mountain and the naked oracle chick. RODRIGO SANTORO You will pay for this! I will burn all Greek writings! Nobody will ever know you existed! GERARD BUTLER Greek? I’m Greek? Why the Bleep have I been doing a Scottish accent for the entire movie? RODRIGO SANTORO For that matter, why are most of my Persian fighters caucasian? Predictably, MUTANT ANDREW TIERNAN tells RODRIGO about the secret passage. Persians surround the Spartans. There is some more fighting as the audience is doused with TESTOSTERONE. VINCENT REGAN (dying) Man, this whole plan was really, really stupid. GERARD BUTLER (dying) Freedom! VINCENT REGAN Did I say stupid? I meant brave and inspirational! Freedom! THEN THEY ALL DIED. END |
| Re: Star Wars 3: For those who have watched it. by Neoteny(m): 11:33am On Mar 31, 2008 |
SPIDERMAN 3 FADE IN: EXT. NEW YORK CITY TOBEY MAGUIRE walks around being a pompous windbag to everyone. TOBEY MAGUIRE (V.O.) Yeah, in the first and second movie, everyone hated me, but now everyone loves me, so I wear a shit-eating grin constantly. Great power and great responsibility totally kick ass! TOBEY attends a musical starring KIRSTEN DUNST. KIRSTEN DUNST (singing) They say watching this film is wonderful; “It’s wonderful,” so they say; I doubt that they can mean it; Or else they’ve never seen it; I also know they say it’s full of sand… and; Though filled with song and dance, “it’s wonderful”; “Wonderful in every way,” so… they… saaayyyyyyy. JAMES FRANCO watches the plotless, awful musical from the balcony, and takes a moment to glare at TOBEY’s SHIT-EATING GRIN. JAMES FRANCO (squinting) God I fucking hate that guy. If only there was something I could do to avenge my father’s death. Like publicize the secret identity of Spider-Man, thereby ruining his life. Something like that would be great. TOBEY goes backstage to find KIRSTEN, who has already been in the film more than anyone would like. KIRSTEN DUNST How was I? Was I good? Was I? Tell me I was good. No, tell me the truth. No wait, tell me that I was good but make sure that’s the truth. TOBEY MAGUIRE Golly gee whiz, Kirsten, you were so good! So good that my head could just burst with how good you were! Nobody at all was eager for the scene to end, and not a single member of the audience looked at his ticket to make sure he didn’t walk into the wrong theater, I promise! KIRSTEN DUNST Wow, I had no idea that one of the many powers of the spider was being a hopelessly pussy-whipped little bitch! TOBEY MAGUIRE Let’s go to the woods and stare up at the stars, just to make sure the audience is so bored that they’ll welcome anything that advances the story, no matter how idiotic. A BIG BLACK BALL OF OOZE shoots down from the sky, conveniently landing mere feet from the only guy on the planet with the superpowers of a spider. Meanwhile… EXT. SCIENCE FACILITY THOMAS HADEN CHURCH escapes from prison, only to accidentally fall into a RIDICULOUS PLOT CONTRIVANCE that turns him into a guy made of sand. THOMAS HADEN CHURCH Oh no, I’m made of sand now. I’m now empowered with all of the abilities of a big pile of sand. Like, um, getting in your clothes. And getting hot under the sun to burn your feet. Also flying for some reason. IDIOT SCIENTISTS Oh no, our experiment has gone awry. Damn, every time science experiments go poorly, it always makes a new enemy for Tobey Maguire. You’d think the guy would be bombing research facilities out of desperation. THOMAS HADEN CHURCH Er, why the hell isn’t my daughter’s locket sand too? All of my clothes are. INT. ROSEMARY HARRIS’S APARTMENT TOBEY, with nobody to turn to for expository dialogue except his AUNT ROSEMARY HARRIS, wastes 10 more minutes of everyone’s time talking about his boring relationship. TOBEY MAGUIRE I want to propose to Kirsten Dunst. I think I’ve done a good job of just barely holding together my double life as well as my relationship with her, so I know I’m ready. ROSEMARY HARRIS Do I ever die in the comics? God I’m sick of being in these movies, couldn’t I die? Bleep. Anyway, a husband has to put his wife ahead of himself. Can you do that? TOBEY MAGUIRE No. Not at all. Clearly, no. Kirsten’s life has been put in danger in the climax of both previous movies, indicating her closeness to me is a complete danger to her. The fact that I would ever even consider continuing to put her life in jeopardy by maintaining a relationship with her indicates that I place my own desire for companionship above her very life. It is incredibly, patently obvious that I absolutely cannot put her above me, even a little bit. ROSEMARY HARRIS Ah, who gives a shit? Give her my old ring. Go away now, Wheel of Fortune is starting. TOBEY leaves, wearing that SHIT-EATING GRIN again. Finally having had enough of it, JAMES FRANCO surfs through the air and attacks TOBEY. Suddenly, they both turn into CARTOONS as they fight each other. JAMES FRANCO (squinting) You knew this day was coming, Tobey! TOBEY MAGUIRE What, that one day you would take your father’s equipment and come after me? JAMES FRANCO (squinting) No, that one day the incredibly popular Spider-Man film franchise would deteriorate into a mindless mess of poorly directed, poorly animated sequences strung together with awful writing meant to do nothing but cash in on the abundance of patience offered by fans. TOBEY throws one of JAMES’S PUMPKIN BOMBS back at JAMES. It explodes in JAMES’S FACE and has absolutely no effect whatsoever except to distract him long enough for TOBEY to trip him off his board with a spider web. TOBEY MAGUIRE What the hell? Didn’t those bombs fucking VAPORIZE people in the first movie? JAMES winds up in a hospital with AMNESIA, because this movie is basically a DAYTIME SOAP OPERA with some superheroes occasionally. TOBEY MAGUIRE Hey buddy. I heard you have amnesia. Do you remember anything, like maybe about us being arch-rivals? JAMES FRANCO (squinting) I don’t actually have amnesia, dude. I’m just hoping to lay low and disassociate myself from this awful cartoon of a movie. I mean, I got dispatched the way Sylvester the cat does when he chases Tweety. It even had a ‘boing’ sound. KIRSTEN DUNST (sobbing) Tobey! I just got the reviews! They said I was wooden, mousy, terribly miscast, annoying to watch, and awful at singing! TOBEY MAGUIRE Wow, they hated the play that much? KIRSTEN DUNST Play? No, these are the early reviews for this movie. They also called me snaggletooth! Suddenly, a crane goes out of control downtown, threatening the lives of an office full of people, including BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD, a girl from TOBEY’S class on COMIC BOOK PHYSICS. TOBEY MAGUIRE I’ve got to go save the only girl in the movie more irritating than you. Sorry. No less than THIRTY FUCKING MINUTES into the movie, TOBEY finally dons his costume and we actually see the title character. EXT. DOWNTOWN BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD dangles from a ledge as a crane destroys large sections of an office building, presumably killing many people. BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD I’m dangling! It’s amazing how often people in this city wind up dangling from something, given that it’s kind of the only thing Tobey is really good for. CGI TOBEY MAGUIRE Fear not, the man with the body of a superhero and the voice of a 12-year-old boy is here! The chief of police, now played by recognizable actor JAMES CROMWELL, arrives on the scene. TOPHER GRACE Oh no, student and part-time model Bryce Dallas Howard is in danger. This is unfortunate for you because you since you are her father! It is also unfortunate for me, aspiring photographer and all-around douchebag, because I am dating her! Did all of that exposition sound natural, or totally forced? JAMES CROMWELL Meh, as bad as it was, it was still better than the writing on my season of 24. CGI TOBEY rescues BRYCE as enormous slabs of concrete fall and smash the people on the ground. Having saved the cute blond girl, he leaves. CRANE OPERATOR What the Bleep? Didn’t this scene start by showing me in mortal peril? Are you just going to let me die? CGI TOBEY MAGUIRE Sorry, I only rescue people if they’re dangling. Call one of the other hundreds of Marvel superheroes that live in New York City. I hear Daredevil needs work. TOBEY and KIRSTEN bore us with some more relationship problems. KIRSTEN DUNST I’m so sick of never having any time with you. Plus my career sucks and I’m taking it out on you. TOBEY MAGUIRE Wait a minute, at the end of the last film, you begged me to get into a relationship with you, knowing full well that I’m Spider-Man and that I have responsibilities beyond just being a boyfriend. I spent two whole movies saying a relationship was a bad idea because I’m a superhero, and you told me you can handle it, but now you can’t, just because you’re lonely? KIRSTEN DUNST Yep. TOBEY MAGUIRE Wow. What a complete and total fucking bitch. KIRSTEN DUNST Plus I’m also pissed that Bryce kissed you. TOBEY MAGUIRE Aren’t you an actress? Don’t you kiss people in plays all the time? How is this any different? Besides, I’ve saved you from certain death at least a dozen times. I’ve earned the right to be the meat in a stripper sandwich if I want. TOBEY visits the police station to get away from KIRSTEN. INT. POLICE STATION JAMES CROMWELL talks to TOBEY and ROSEMARY. JAMES CROMWELL So, yeah, it turns out that the guy you thought killed your uncle wasn’t the guy. Turns out it’s Thomas Haden Church, conveniently the villain for this movie. TOBEY MAGUIRE Why? It doesn’t add anything to his character at all. God this movie sucks. ROSEMARY HARRIS I don’t understand - you knew about this when he was in prison, why didn’t you tell us then? JAMES CROMWELL We didn’t want to upset you. ROSEMARY HARRIS Then why are you telling us now? JAMES CROMWELL Didn’t you just hear your nephew? This movie sucks, that’s why. INT. TOBEY’S APARTMENT TOBEY tries to sleep, but that BLACK OOZE that we forgot about from the first ten minutes of the movie decides to make an appearance. It turns his costume black for some reason. CGI TOBEY MAGUIRE This new suit! It’s so much more powerful, which I will illustrate by performing stunts that I performed in prior movies while wearing my regular suit. He combs his hair down, so that the audience knows when he’s in EMO TOBEY mode. New costume ready, CGI TOBEY finds THOMAS HADEN CHURCH and kicks his sandy ass. CGI TOBEY MAGUIRE My name is Tobey Maguire. You killed my uncle. Prepare to die. THOMAS HADEN CHURCH I’m not a bad guy. Just a guy that’s had some bad luck. CGI TOBEY MAGUIRE Then why the Bleep are you the villain for this movie? They fight some more, and TOBEY wins, using his new power of BEING KIND OF A DICK. Meanwhile, KIRSTEN DUNST visits JAMES FRANCO and dances with him. Eventually, she kisses him. This sends TOBEY over the edge into PURE EVIL, illustrated by him demanding cookies from his landlord’s daughter, putting his feet on desks, popping his collar, and dancing his way down the street like a ASSCLOWN. He does throw a bomb at the significantly-more-evil JAMES FRANCO, though, so that’s kind of EVIL. EMO TOBEY MAGUIRE I’m going to take Bryce Dallas Howard to the jazz club where Kirsten works now and make her jealous. BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD Are you sure you wouldn’t rather doing something interesting, like fight the villain? EMO TOBEY MAGUIRE Nah, people had enough interesting action sequences in the last two movies. Petty relationship squabbles are what people want to see now. KIRSTEN DUNST sings for the SECOND FUCKING TIME in the movie, and TOBEY launches into the THIRD DANCE SEQUENCE in order to make KIRSTEN jealous. Also, WILLEM DAFOE makes an obvious and distracting cameo, which is meant to be CUTE but is actually CONFUSING for those who notice him, which includes EVERYONE. KIRSTEN DUNST You’re such a jerk now, Tobey. If only there was some way I could get back at you for embarrassing me. Like reveal that you’re Spider-Man and ruin your life. Something like that would be great. EMO TOBEY MAGUIRE Wow, you and James Franco really are perfect for each other. During the sequence, TOBEY accidentally knocks KIRSTEN down. Everyone GASPS. EMO TOBEY MAGUIRE What the Bleep, I threw a bomb at my friend’s face in the last scene and nobody cared, but I accidentally hit a girl and finally people are buying that I’m an asshole when I wear the black suit? TOBEY puts the rest of his costume on, specifically in order to go to a CHURCH and rip the entire thing off. TOPHER GRACE happens to walk into the same church at the same time, because DIRECTOR SAM RAIMI has COMPLETELY STOPPED CARING. AUDIENCE Alright, what the hell? I thought this movie was supposed to have Venom. There’s like twenty minutes left. More Venom! More Venom! The BLACK OOZE grabs TOPHER and turns him into VENOM. AUDIENCE Oh my god, he looks ridiculous. Am I watching the Spiderman cartoon now or something? Less Venom! Less Venom! TOPHER GRACE finds THOMAS HADEN CHURCH. TOPHER GRACE So I think we should team up to kill Tobey. THOMAS HADEN CHURCH Yeah, killing people is awesome. For the record though, I’m not a bad guy. TOPHER GRACE Great. So the plan is, I’ll act like my nerdy, sarcastic character from That 70’s Show, and when Tobey is distracted thinking how shameful it is to bring an iconic character like Venom to the screen like that, I’ll hit him with a cinder block. THOMAS HADEN CHURCH It’s good, but there needs to be more dangling. TOPHER dangles KIRSTEN DUNST, a car, and a truck. CGI TOBEY MAGUIRE Oh no! Dangling! I’m needed! KIRSTEN DUNST Tobey! I need your help! CGI TOBEY MAGUIRE Right, I’ll have you down in a minute! KIRSTEN DUNST No, I need your help understanding how the bad guys even knew to abduct me this time. How does Topher even know who I am, let alone that I’m dating Spider-Man? TOBEY tries to rescue KIRSTEN, but THOMAS turns into a giant glob of dirt and TOPHER uses his powers of irritating comic relief. Suddenly, JAMES FRANCO shows up to help. CGI TOBEY MAGUIRE You came to help! JAMES FRANCO (squinting) Nah, I came because I wanted to be in the credits above the guy from Wings. CGI TOBEY MAGUIRE Okay. I’ll take the guy who has the same powers as me. You take the enormous, invulnerable monster that cannot be killed or stopped. JAMES FRANCO (squinting) Sounds fair. They FIGHT. JAMES discovers that superheating THOMAS turns him into breakable glass, but he doesn’t use that to defeat him. Eventually THOMAS is knocked over. THOMAS HADEN CHURCH Rather than turn back into the monster and resume wreaking havoc, I’m just going to give up and morph into a human for no good reason until the fight is over. CGI TOBEY MAGUIRE Alright! Now that Thomas has just given up entirely, we can both focus on Topher. Surely the two of us together can kill him. TOPHER stabs JAMES with his own stupid surfboard. Suddenly, TOBEY uses some metal pipes to make an annoying ringing sound. TOPHER GRACE NO! RINGING! MY ONE WEAKNESS! CGI TOBEY MAGUIRE Wow, that’s like the worst weakness in comic book history. A fucking phone call would knock you on your ass. TOBEY throws one of JAMES’S PUMPKIN BOMBS at TOPHER. JAMES FRANCO (squinting) Tobey, no! It’ll kill him! CGI TOBEY MAGUIRE No it won’t. I’ve thrown two of these things at your head in this movie, they don’t do shit. The bomb explodes, completely vaporizing TOPHER and his SUIT. CGI TOBEY MAGUIRE Alright, what the Bleep? THOMAS HADEN CHURCH confronts TOBEY. THOMAS HADEN CHURCH Dude, I’m totally sorry about killing your uncle. (crying) Forgive me. TOBEY MAGUIRE (crying) I forgive you, on the condition you don’t smash me against steel beams anymore. KIRSTEN DUNST (crying) *sniff*, I really wanted another singing sequence. JAMES FRANCO (squinting and crying) What is this, an episode of Dr. Phil? Why are we all crying? (dies) AUDIENCE Twenty minutes of a stupid-looking, nerdy Venom… half the movie devoted to relationship troubles… a whiny hero Sandman… and 5 scenes containing either singing or dancing… (crying) Why, why, why couldn’t this movie have been any good? END |
| Re: Star Wars 3: For those who have watched it. by Neoteny(m): 11:35am On Mar 31, 2008 |
ALL SPOOFS BY Rod Hilton http://www.the-editing-room.com |
| Re: Star Wars 3: For those who have watched it. by Neoteny(m): 11:52am On Mar 31, 2008 |
GHOST RIDER FADE IN: INT. CIRCUS SAM ELLIOTT (V.O.) Well, I’d like to tell ya’ll a little story. See, there’s thishere devil, and he’s a-collectin’ souls. But there’s thishere other character, yahear? And he calls himself, the dude. Er, the Ghost Rider. Ghost Rider. YOUNG NICOLAS CAGE fawns over YOUNG EVA MENDES. YOUNG NICOLAS CAGE I love you. We should take off together, barring some unforseen tragic event that reshapes the course of my life forever. YOUNG EVA MENDES What could happen? PETER FONDA finds YOUNG NICOLAS CAGE and looks EVIL, which is sure to win the trust of NICOLAS. PETER FONDA Hello Nicolas. Your dad is sick. Sell your soul if you want him to get better. YOUNG NICOLAS CAGE Peter Fonda? Oscar-nominated thespian Peter Fonda? What in the holy living Bleep are you doing in this movie? PETER FONDA Hamming it up, what else? Here, sign this contract. Mwa-ha-ha-ha. YOUNG NICOLAS CAGE No. Oops. Some blood spilled on it. Surely that’s not legally binding. PETER FONDA Pffft, sure it is. Who do you think all the lawyers work for? NICOLAS CAGE’S DAD gets rid of his cancer, but then has an accident during a motorcycle stunt minutes later. YOUNG NICOLAS CAGE Dad! Are you okay? Oh, actually, you don’t seem to have any burns, cuts, bruises, or injuries of any kind. I guess you’re fine. NICOLAS’S DAD For some reason, I’m going to die anyway. (dies) NICOLAS CAGE grows up and becomes a motorcylce stuntman himself. Except he kind of sucks at it. EVA MENDES Nicolas, I’m a newswoman now. I’d like to interview you. NICOLAS CAGE Wow, look at you. You’ve grown a lot since we were teenagers. Well, your boobs have. Anyway, go ahead and interview. EVA MENDES Alright, first question: weren’t we the same age as teenagers? How did you manage to age ten years more than me since then? PETER FONDA Hey Nicolas. Remember when you sold me your soul? You can have it back if you become my Ghost Rider. Go kill Wes Bentley, he’s my son or something. He wants some contract the old Ghost Rider stole. NICOLAS CAGE No. (pause) Fine. NICOLAS’S HEAD turns into a FUCKING FLAMING SKULL and film as an artform officially DIES. FLAMING NICOLAS CAGE SKULL ANGRY! RIDE BIKE! FLAMING NICOLAS confronts WES BENTLEY, who has apparently forgotten how to act. NICOLAS loses the battle and heads home. Taking a page from “Writing A Comic Book Movie For Complete Fucking Idiots”, he discovers a woman being mugged his first night as a superhero and saves her. FLAMING NICOLAS CAGE (to mugger) Youuuu. Guiltyyyyy. MUGGER Youuuu. Sillyyyyy. MUGGING VICTIM Rather than shit my pants at the sight of a fucking walking skeleton covered in fire, I’ll politely thank you for saving me and be on my way. FLAMING NICOLAS kills the mugger, presumably sending him to hell and giving his enemy, the Devil, another soul for his army. He then stumbles upon SAM ELLIOTT. SAM ELLIOTT Hey, I’m the narrator from before. Since every movie like this needs a character that understands the associated mythology in order to explain it to the audience, let me fill you in. Basically you work for the devil at night and you’re normal during the day. NICOLAS CAGE Because darkness is the symbol for evil while light is the symbol for purity? SAM ELLIOTT What? No, because the special effects would look even more ridiculous if well-lit. NICOLAS CAGE Oh. So how do I beat Wes Bentley? SAM ELLIOTT I dunno, show him a plastic bag blowing in the wind and hit him with a brick when he’s distracted. NICOLAS meets up again with EVA MENDES, since they have so much chemistry together and every moment they spend on screen is pure bliss for the audience. NICOLAS CAGE So, you should probably stay away from me. I’m a Marvel superhero now, which means I need to be tortured by having to give up on love. EVA MENDES A superhero? What are your powers? NICOLAS CAGE Well, I have a flaming skull for a head. I can ride a bike like I do when human. Oh, and I have a chainlink whip. I guess that’s it. EVA MENDES …Seriously, why did this character get its own movie? NICOLAS decides the audience has endured more than enough of this movie and goes to SAM ELLIOTT one last time before fighting WES BENTLEY. NICOLAS CAGE So, since everyone in the audience guessed you’re the old Ghost Rider like 70 minutes ago, do you have any help to offer me before I go kill the bad guy? SAM ELLIOTT Yeah. Let me ride with you. I like you. You made a deal with the devil for the right reason: your family. Maybe that puts God on your side. NICOLAS CAGE The same God that commands his followers to kill family members if they don’t believe in him? Or some other God? SAM ELLIOTT The Hollywood God. The ambiguous, shapeless hodgepodge of positive aspects from various religions and philosophies used to pander to people of every religion simultaneously. NICOLAS CAGE Oh, the Bruce Almighty God. Gotcha. If signing the contract was going to put God on my side, why would the Devil have suggested it? SAM turns into a flaming skeleton on a flaming horse to shut NICOLAS up. They ride together. When they arrive, SAM hands NICOLAS a shotgun. SAM ELLIOTT This shotgun might help. We only had the budget to change me into a flaming CGI monstrosity one time, so I’ll be heading back home now. NICOLAS CAGE You rode with me in silence just to give me a shotgun when we got here and then turn back around? SAM ELLIOTT Yep. NICOLAS CAGE Why did people actually watch this movie? NICOLAS fights with WES BENTLEY. WES BENTLEY My name is leeeeegion. For we are… maaaaannnnnyyyyy. Seriously, he actually says that. Eventually, NICOLAS kills WES. PETER FONDA returns. PETER FONDA Nice work, Nicolas. I’ll just remove the curse from you now and you can be on your way. NICOLAS CAGE No. I’m going to keep this curse in order to fight you. PETER FONDA You mean the curse I had the power to give you and just said I can remove at any time? That’s the curse you’re going to use against me? NICOLAS CAGE That’s right. Wherever you go, I’ll be there. PETER FONDA Like at the bottom of the “3 DVDs for $5.99″ bin at Wal-Mart? PETER vanishes. NICOLAS CAGE I’ll only use my powers for good, in order to fight the devil. EVA MENDES Wouldn’t the best use of your powers be to just show them to people in order to prove that God and the Devil really do exist? Then people would suddenly become super-religious and go to heaven, depriving the Devil of any more soldiers for his army. NICOLAS CAGE That’s a good idea. Or, how about I ride around at night and kill muggers? EVA MENDES Superhero movies sure have come a long way since the first Superman movie. NICOLAS CAGE Yes. We’ve gone from “You will believe a man can fly” to “You will believe a man can have a flaming skull for a head and ride a bike in the dark.” |
| Re: Star Wars 3: For those who have watched it. by Neoteny(m): 12:03pm On Mar 31, 2008 |
XMEN THE LAST STAND FADE IN: EXT. SUBURBS - 20 YEARS AGO YOUNG PATRICK STEWART and YOUNG IAN MCKELLEN enter the home of YOUNG FAMKE JANSSEN. YOUNG PATRICK STEWART I’m really surprised they bothered to use digital effects to make us look younger rather than just hire younger actors that look like us. YOUNG IAN MCKELLEN What’s even more surprising is that they apparently did it without watching movies we were in 20 years ago. You’d think it’d be easier to make you look like Picard than it is to make you look like an alien. YOUNG PATRICK STEWART At least I don’t look like a transvestite. YOUNG FAMKE JANSSEN I am a very strong mutant. She proves this by lifting cars in the neighborhood, which apparently is something the residents are used to. INT. PROFESSOR PATRICK STEWART’S SCHOOL PATRICK is giving a lecture about ethics. PATRICK STEWART …as I was saying, would it be ethical for me, as a telepath, to insert my mind into the body of a person in a persistent vegetative state if I were to, say, be killed by a super strong mutant that lifts cars? STUDENT What a completely random question that absolutely isn’t being asked so that it can be used later on in the film. Suddenly, KELSEY GRAMMAR enters. KELSEY GRAMMAR Patrick! There is a “cure” for being a mutant! HALLE BERRY A cure? But there’s nothing wrong with us! KELSEY GRAMMAR … HALLE BERRY I mean, unless you count being covered in bright blue fur, being unable to touch someone, or having mental powers so uncontrollable that you are a danger to the entire world. KELSEY GRAMMAR What the hell do you do, again? HALLE BERRY My mutant power is being able to manipulate people into giving me the lead in this movie despite being a shockingly bad actress. PATRICK STEWART In any case, this cure could lead to a giant mutant war. Not so giant that it involves any of the interesting characters from the X-Men comic books, but definitely giant enough for a small handful. Meanwhile… HUGH JACKMAN confronts JAMES MARSDEN. HUGH JACKMAN Hey man, what’s your problem? JAMES MARSDEN Look at me! I’m stubbly! It’s one full day since I’ve shaved! I’m a fucking wreck. HUGH JACKMAN Look, I know you’re having a tough time with the loss of Famke… JAMES MARSDEN What? No, I’m pissed off because Halle Berry managed to negotiate her way into being the team leader instead of me. Halle Berry, man. Fucking Catwoman. JAMES speeds away on his bike. Meanwhile… INT. UNDERGROUND LAIR A bunch of mutants are gathered around, arguing about the cure. IAN MCKELLEN and his henchman AARON STANFORD enter. IAN MCKELLEN They’re going to use the cure on us and remove our powers! Then you’d be able to come out of hiding, how much would that suck? DIANA RAMIREZ and KEN LEUNG approach. DIANA RAMIREZ I’d join your group, but I saw what you supposedly looked like 20 years ago and couldn’t stop laughing. AARON STANFORD (lights a fireball) Do you know who you’re talking to? KEN LEUNG (spikes protrude from face) Do you? AARON STANFORD Er, wait. I just made fire in my hands. Did you really just try to intimidate me by turning into a porcupine? KEN LEUNG Don’t Bleep with me, or I’ll trick you into giving me a hug and then kill you. DIANA RAMIREZ I can detect other mutants and their powers. IAN MCKELLEN How convenient to the plot. You’re hired. Let’s go pick up some more mutants, since both of your powers are basically shit. They pick up REBECCA ROMIJN, VINNIE JONES, and ERIC DANE. IAN MCKELLEN Welcome back, Rebecca. So what are everyone’s powers? VINNIE JONES I’m big. And dumb. And I wear a stupid-looking helmet, just like you. ERIC DANE I can make copies of myself. REBECCA ROMIJN Juggernaut and Multiple Man? Wow, we’re really scraping the bottom of the fucking comic book barrel here. IAN MCKELLEN Oh well, I’m sure the writers will figure out a way to awkwardly shoehorn in a use for your powers. Suddenly, REBECCA is shot with a CURE BULLET. She turns into a regular human IAN MCKELLEN Oh. Well, Bleep you then, human. AARON STANFORD Seriously? That’s pretty dick. You sure that won’t come bite you later? IAN MCKELLEN What can she possibly do? She’s only been my most trusted confidant and sidekick for the entire series, making her privy to a wealth of information on how I think and what my plans are. They also recruit FAMKE JANSSEN, who has killed the shit out of JAMES and PATRICK. INT. PROFESSOR PATRICK STEWART’S SCHOOL Everyone sees on TV that IAN and his group are heading to ALCATRAZ in order to destroy the cure. KELSEY GRAMMAR We have to stop him, even though we basically want the cure destroyed too. HALLE BERRY Well with Patrick and James gone, I guess I’m the leader. Let’s suit up and save the day! HUGH JACKMAN I can’t believe we’re being led by the woman whose best quip was that a toad dies when it gets struck by lightning. HALLE BERRY Alright, everyone! Mutant roll call! KELSEY GRAMMAR Beast, with the power of being strong! Also acrobatics skill that I won’t use in the movie. DANIEL CUDMORE Colossus, also with the power of being strong! SHAWN ASHMORE Iceman, with power to make things cold. ELLEN PAGE And me, Shadowcat, with power to walk through things. I’m basically a lamer version of Nightcrawler, who isn’t in the movie for some reason. HUGH JACKMAN This is it? This is the big team for the climax of the movie? Why the hell did we even bother making this thing? EXT. ALCATRAZ There is a long battle. IAN MCKELLEN throws cars at people and AARON lights them on fire. AARON STANFORD Couldn’t you just use the metal in the cars as bullets like you did in the last movie? What’s the point of me lighting them on fire? IAN MCKELLEN Well, what’s the point in bothering with any of this when Famke can just destroy everyone with her mind? AARON STANFORD Um, To needlessly pad the scene with superfluous action in order to compensate for the lackluster script? IAN MCKELLEN Attaboy. They FIGHT more. Eventually, most of the new characters are killed and IAN is “cured”. FAMKE goes fucking BATSHIT CRAZY on everything. HUGH JACKMAN The only way to stop you from killing everyone is to kill you, Famke! FAMKE JENSEEN Well, you could throw the cure mutant kid at me. KELSEY GRAMMAR Or we could have saved a few of the cure vials for Famke, rather than stick all four of them in Ian for no reason. HUGH JACKMAN Nope, it’s definitely the thing where I kill her. He DOES. INT. PROFESSOR PATRICK STEWART’S SCHOOL There is a funeral for FAMKE. HUGH JACKMAN So, James and Famke are dead, Anna Paquin is cured, Nightcrawler is absent, Ian McKellen is cured, Rebecca Romijn is gone, most of the memorable villains have been killed, and the X-Men are being led by the star of Gothika. HALLE BERRY Yep. I can’t wait to see how great the fourth movie is! |
| Re: Star Wars 3: For those who have watched it. by Neoteny(m): 12:14pm On Mar 31, 2008 |
dIE haRD 4 (liVE FREe Or DIe haRD) (my new style of writing: mixing upper and lower cases) FADE IN: EXT. NEW YORK CITY BRUCE WILLIS embarrasses his daughter, because the concept of a super-badass action guy being unable to manage his home life is totally original and creative. BRUCE WILLIS It sure is rough just trying to be a regular cop as well as a divorced father. Luckily the cop part has gotten easier ever since this movie decided I should be some kind of superhuman cop. POLICE CAPTAIN (over radio) Bruce, I need you to go pick up Justin Long. He’s a young hacker. The two of you couldn’t have any less in common, making for completely hilarious comedy. BRUCE goes to find JUSTIN LONG. Meanwhile, some terrorists seem to upload a BOMB to a laptop and it EXPLODES. Inexplicably, the movie manages to actually go downhill from that. INT. JUSTIN LONG’S APARTMENT. BRUCE badasses his way up the stairs and into JUSTIN’S NERD LAIR. BRUCE WILLIS You need to come with me. After all, what would a Die Hard movie be without an annoying partner? JUSTIN LONG Um, good? Like the first one? Suddenly, the same terrorists upload a bomb to JUSTIN’S LAPTOP, but they can’t detonate it without JUSTIN hitting DELETE, and he doesn’t. They are forced to run into his apartment with guns instead. BRUCE WILLIS (growling) I’m going to have to shoot these guys. (shoots the guys) I’m so badass that I’ll make a joke about how nonchalantly badass I am. JUSTIN LONG (Matthew Perry impression) The above scene repeats itself over and over until BRUCE and JUSTIN get to ANTI-HACKER HEADQUARTERS. INT. ANTI-HACKER HEADQUARTERS CLIFF CURTIS barks orders at people who are probably spending most of the day on MONSTER.COM, because nobody wants to work for such a DOUCHEBAG. CLIFF CURTIS The hacker terrorists are infiltrating our firewall matrix! Quick, reroute the protocol encryption! RANDOM DRONE Sir! They’re deleting the internet! CLIFF CURTIS Shit! Restore internet from optical storage backup system and randomize IP layer! RANDOM DRONE Yes sir! BRUCE WILLIS Uh, you guys seem busy melting the brains of audience members with any technical knowledge. I can bring Justin Long back later. JUSTIN LONG No wait. I know what’s going on. It’s a firesale. They’re taking down all of the computers in the country. They call it a firesale because everything… must… go. BRUCE WILLIS You expect me to believe that the same type of nerds that would come up with this plan would even know what a ‘firesale’ is? BRUCE and JUSTIN fight with some HENCHMEN, but BRUCE KILLS THEM with the power of WISECRACKS. JUSTIN LONG Holy shit! This badassery sure is tiring! BRUCE WILLIS It’s called a workout, kid! Ever hear of it? Har har har! JUSTIN LONG Oh, because you are old and come from a time when kids got exercise, whereas I am young and come from a technology-driven world. Your comment is meant both to draw attention to the generational gap between us as well as condemn our current society for being so dependent on technology. Very cute. BRUCE WILLIS It’s called beating you over the head with a point! Ever hear of it? Hrf hrf hrf! JUSTIN LONG Right, and it is because we are so dependent on technology that these terrorists are able to pull of their evil plot! Except that, in reality, none of the stuff they are doing is even remotely possible. The worst that can actually happen is a massive power outage, which people regularly prove isn’t a big problem. BRUCE WILLIS It’s called exaggerating to the point of meaninglessness! Ever hear of it? Hurrrrrrr! BRUCE and JUSTIN require the assistance of some kind of UBER-NERD, so they go see KEVIN SMITH, who lives in his mother’s basement because the film writers were working off 20-year-old stereotypes. INT. KEVIN SMITH’S BASEMENT KEVIN SMITH fatasses his way through the scene. BRUCE WILLIS I need to know who is behind the firesale. KEVIN SMITH I’m so sorry for being in this movie. BRUCE WILLIS Er, uh, did you say Timothy Olyphant? What’s he trying to do? KEVIN SMITH So, so, so sorry. Ugh. BRUCE WILLIS (whispering) Stick to the script, Smith. (loudly) He’s shutting down the world’s computers so he can break into some kind of vault and get a whole bunch of bank information to steal money? The cad! How do we stop him? KEVIN SMITH I really don’t know what I was thinking. This movie isn’t even starring one of my friends or anything. BRUCE WILLIS Ha-ha, okay so we should get to the same vault and shoot the crap out of everyone? Sounds good! Suddenly, TIMOTHY OLYPHANT appears on KEVIN SMITH’S COMPUTER, because computers are magical boxes that don’t follow any kind of logical rules. TIMOTHY OLYPHANT Hello Bruce. I see my efforts to try and kill you have failed. This only makes me more obsessed with wanting to kill you. BRUCE WILLIS Why? Why do you care about me so much? If you had just left me alone, I’d have dropped off the worthless hacker kid with Cliff Curtis and gone home. TIMOTHY OLYPHANT Despite the obviousness of your objection, I’m going to throw gasoline on the fire by kidnapping your daughter, thereby ensuring you will have to come to my base of operations and kill me. That HAPPENS. INT. BAD GUY LAIR BRUCE and JUSTIN break into the bad guy’s secret hideout and kill lots of people. JUSTIN struggles with the concept of using a GUN, just so that you know he will shoot TIMOTHY at the very end. TIMOTHY OLYPHANT I’m shocked you would try to rescue your daughter rather than do what I say. BRUCE WILLIS I’m shocked they even bothered making this movie, so surprises all around. They FIGHT. BRUCE is shot by TIMOTHY, and then TIMOTHY hovers over BRUCE waiting to kill him in order to give JUSTIN time to grow a pair of BALLS and save the day. JUSTIN finally picks up a gun and shoots a bad guy to prove how brave he is, giving BRUCE a chance to shoot TIMOTHY! JUSTIN LONG Truly a male has no worth unless he is willing to shoot another person in the back! BRUCE WILLIS’S DAUGHTER I’m attracted to you now that you shoot guns like my dad, because I obviously want to Bleep my own father. BRUCE WILLIS Yipee-ki-yay, mother-golly-gosh-darner! |
| Re: Star Wars 3: For those who have watched it. by Neoteny(m): 12:18pm On Mar 31, 2008 |
JUmPEr FADE IN: INT. HIGH SCHOOL YOUNG HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN timidly approaches YOUNG RACHEL BILSON. YOUNG HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN Uh, hey. I don’t know if you know who I am, but I sorta have this crush on you. YOUNG RACHEL BILSON Of course I know you! We’re in the same shop class! YOUNG HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN Huh? No… you’re probably confusing me with a piece of wood. I get that a lot. (hands her a worthless trinket) I got you a snow globe of Paris, because you conveniently desire traveling the world. Suddenly, some ASSHOLE BULLY totally COCKBLOCKS HAYDEN and takes the SNOWGLOBE. ASSHOLE BULLY With absolutely no provocation from you, I will throw your snowglobe onto the barely-frozen river in exactly the way that no real teenager would. He DOES. Predictably, YOUNG HAYDEN retrieves it and falls into the river. Suddenly, he teleports to the local library. YOUNG HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN (to librarian) Ma’am, can you direct me to the section containing books on how to awkwardly force a plot progression in filmmaking? HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN (V.O.) And so I checked out a book that told me pointless narration is a great way to drive a story forward without any real writing. (pause) I decided to move to New York and start stealing from banks. If you’re wondering why I’m bothering to narrate this, since the upcoming scene is of me walking around New York and robbing a bank, I suggest you go ahead and leave - this movie only gets worse from here. HAYDEN teleports into a bank vault and takes a shitload of money. HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN (V.O.) Hey, I was a teenager, what would you do? I mean, besides something like robbing mob bosses instead. I dismissively chalk the whole bank-robbing thing up to my youth, but I continued doing it for years and hiding my wealth in a secret room, along with casino chips that I decided to keep for some reason. HAYDEN teleports to various international locations where the JUMPER FILM CREW was ALLOWED TO SHOOT. INT. PUB - LONDON HAYDEN hits on a RANDOM ENGLISH CHICK. HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN My totally awesome superpowers have made it easy for me to pick up girls. RANDOM ENGLISH CHICK I don’t get it. It’s not like you’re using your powers in front of me or anything. The only possible edge your powers gave you in this situation was that you were able to teleport to England in order to find me. Is this movie suggesting English women have low standards or something? HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN No, it’s just that people outside of the U.S. don’t all immediately recognize me as that whiny douchebag from Star Wars. HAYDEN bleeps the girl and teleports back to his apartment, where he runs into SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON Hello Hayden. I’m here to kill you. I am a member of a religious sect called ‘Paladins’. We hunt down people like you, who we call “jumpers” because it’s hipper-sounding than “teleporters.” HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN A religious sect? Of course. Because why write character motivation when you can just say “ZOMG RELIGION” and be done with it? SAMUEL electrocutes HAYDEN, which prevents him from teleporting. SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON Now you know how it feels to get electrocuted by an old guy! I’ll teach you to just stand there and let me get thrown out a window. HAYDEN manages to teleport anyway. He goes back to his hometown in MICHIGAN, because the best place to go when a secret organization tracking you wants you dead is your old home. INT. BAR - MICHIGAN HAYDEN goes to the BAR where grown-up RACHEL BILSON works and decides to hit on her as well. RACHEL BILSON Holy shit! I haven’t seen you since you vanished four years ago! How are you do– HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN Whoa, whoa, whoa. We’re expecting the audience to believe that only four years have passed since we were played by 15-year-old actors? RACHEL BILSON Sure, why not? We’re expecting them to believe that your old classmates would remember most unmemorable person alive. HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN Well, didn’t you always want to go to Rome? Let’s go, right now. RACHEL BILSON That’s tempting, but is right now really a good time? HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN Sure. Nothing going on for me besides being chased by a crazy guy who wants me and my kind eradicated and will stop at nothing to see me destroyed. I see no reason why now isn’t a great time to involve you in my life. EXT. ROME, ITALY HAYDEN takes RACHEL around ROME and they look at TOURISTY SHIT. RACHEL BILSON I suppose that you paying for me to take a vacation in Italy pretty much means I’m obligated to have sex with you, because all women are apparently just whores. She has sex with HAYDEN and then they visit the COLLOSSEUM. HAYDEN uses his powers to unlock locked doors that RACHEL wishes to open, getting him further into RACHEL’S PIXIE-SIZED PANTIES. HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN Who knew that something as simple as unlocking doors would score so many points with the ladies? A $10 set of bump keys must be the ticket to an endless supply of pussy. Suddenly, some PALADINS show up with extremely high STRENGTH and CONSTITUTION. JAMIE BELL teleports in and saves HAYDEN, killing the PALADINS. JAMIE then teleports to his HIDEOUT and HAYDEN follows him. JAMIE BELL Did you just come through my jump scar? HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN Jump scar? JAMIE BELL Yes. When a jumper jumps, he leaves a wormhole behind that another jumper can jump through. HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN Oh… so, did we just have sex or something? JAMIE BELL No. Those guys back there were Paladins. They’ve been killing Jumpers for a thousand years. The witchhunts, the red scare - it was all these guys. HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN Really? What did they use before electricity was discovered? JAMIE BELL Am I really getting a lecture on plot holes from the guy who starred in “Attack of the Clones?” HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN I think we should work together and kill the paladins. It’ll be just like Marvel Team-Up. JAMIE BELL Ugh. HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN What, you don’t want to work with me? JAMIE BELL It’s not that. I just can’t believe the screenplay is justifying the arbitrary plot progression of us teaming up by drawing attention to the cheesy comic-book nature of doing so. It’s like one notch better than having characters say “it’ll be just like in a movie” in a movie. JAMIE and HAYDEN work together to try and kill SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON. SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON Enough is enough! I’ve had it with these motherfucking jumpers in my motherfucking space-time continuum! HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN Why are you so obsessed with destroying me? SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON Because it’s your fault that the film is so painfully boring. This entire movie is about the same thing that the opening sequence of X-Men 2 was about, but not a single action scene is as good. Face it, you suck. They FIGHT for a while. Eventually, HAYDEN teleports RACHEL’S apartment underwater, destroying all of RACHEL’S POSESSIONS. He then teleports SAMUEL to the GRAND CANYON and leaves him there to be discovered by TOURISTS. RACHEL BILSON Because you saved my life after you needlessly endangered it in the first place, I have no choice but to fall in love with you. HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN Cool. First, I have to track down my mother, who abandoned me when I was five and left me with a lazy drunk father. INT. DISTRACTINGLY NICE HOUSE HAYDEN knocks on the door of a house and finds his mother, DIANE LANE, a PALADIN. HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN Holy shit! DIANE LANE What? Surprised to find out that your mother is a Paladin? HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN No, I’m surprised my mother is Diane Lane. What the Bleep are you doing in this idiotic piece of garbage? DIANE LANE Phoning it in, what does it look like? The MOVIE teleports out of the memories of the AUDIENCE forever. |
| Re: Star Wars 3: For those who have watched it. by Neoteny(m): 12:21pm On Mar 31, 2008 |
rAMb0 FADE IN: EXT. THAILAND SYLVESTER STALLONE catches snakes with his bare hands and fishes with an archery set. SYLVESTER STALLONE If there’s time, I’d like to also show me hunting tigers with nunchucks. STALLONE grunts his way through his village, when suddenly he is confronted by PAUL SCHULZE. PAUL SCHULZE Hello Sylvester. We’re Christian missionaries from Colorado, because the only time anyone mentions Colorado in a movie is when a bunch of fundamentalist Christians live there. SYLVESTER STALLONE (grunt) PAUL SCHULZE I’m the leader. Just to save you the trouble of being driven crazy for the entire movie, I’m the guy Jack Bauer had to shoot in the head on 24. SYLVESTER STALLONE What do you want from me, besides the delightful sounds of my incessant grunting? PAUL SCHULZE I want you to take us up the Salween River, so that we can distribute medicine and bibles. SYLVESTER STALLONE No. JULIE BENZ What if I ask you? I’m the woman of the group, and no man can resist the seductive charms of a frigid, uptight Christian woman saving herself for marriage. SYLVESTER STALLONE No. (pause) Okay. STALLONE takes the CHRISTIAN MISSIONARIES up the river. Suddenly, their boat is attacked by PIRATES. PAUL SCHULZE Oh no! As a whiny pussy little liberal, I’m incapable of doing the slightest thing to defend myself and ensure my own survival! I hope a warmongering conservative with a silly name will save me! SYLVESTER STALLONE Mitt Romney? PAUL SCHULZE No, you. Save us, Rambo! STALLONE kills the PIRATES until they are DEADER THAN SHIT. We watch some more boating up the river for a while, and eventually the CHRISTIANS are dropped off in BURMA. SYLVESTER STALLONE Ah, nothing says entertainment like watching someone drive a boat for half an hour. I guess I’ll head back now. EXT. BURMA The MISSIONARIES hand out bandages and bibles. PAUL SCHULZE I’m so glad we didn’t listen to Stallone when he told us this place was dangerous. He doesn’t understand how rewarding missionary work is. Look at how much we’re helping these people. JULIE BENZ Absolutely. If there’s one thing that a third world country in the middle of a violent civil war needs more of, it’s religion. Suddenly, the BURMESE GOVERNMENT arrives and starts killing indiscriminately. RANDOM VILLAGER Oh no! We are being mercilessly slaughtered by evildoers! If only one of us were to rise up and fight against this oppression! A Karen army-of-one that would single-handedly bring us hope and serve as a symbol of our strength and pride! (pause) Failing that, a geriatric American would do quite nicely as well! The MAXIMALLY EVIL BAD GUY in charge of being evil, who is so evil he doesn’t even get subtitles, manages to accidentally kill exactly none of the MISSIONARIES, and takes them hostage so they can be rescued later. Meanwhile… EXT. THAILAND SYLVESTER STALLONE is back to work, lifting cars with his toes and blacksmithing random metal objects using his balls. KEN HOWARD enters. KEN HOWARD Hello. I’m a preacher from Colorado. I understand you delivered my missionaries to the jaws of death. I’ve hired mercenaries to go get them back. Will you take them up the river and kick some ass? I know it’s been a long time, but do you think you’re up for another mindless, violent movie? SYLVESTER STALLONE When you’re pushed, killin’s as easy as breathin’. KEN HOWARD I would actually imagine that breathing is pretty hard for someone your age. STALLONE meets up with a bunch of ANNOYING MERCENARIES. GRAHAM MCTAVISH I’m an insufferable asshole for no reason whatsoever! So what’s our mission? I hope it involves being a douchebag, because I rape puppies when it comes to being a douchebag! Har har har! MATTHEW MARSDEN We’re going to go help the Karen resistance movement against the Burmese government. GRAHAM MCTAVISH Sounds boring, mate! Bleep all that! What the Bleep do I care about the mass genocide going on in Burma? MATTHEW MARSDEN Uh, there’s a blonde, white woman that may die if we don’t help. GRAHAM MCTAVISH A blonde white woman? Well why didn’t you say so?! Let’s go! SYLVESTER STALLONE To the Ramboat! EXT. BURMA - PRISONER CAMP STALLONE, GRAHAM, MATTHEW, and SOME FUTURE CORPSES attempt to rescue the MISSIONARIES. Eventually they are DISCOVERED, which leads to a very long violence sequence. SYLVESTER STALLONE Matthew, grab your sniper rifle and aim for the balloons filled with red corn syrup on top of their necks! MATTHEW and STALLONE shoot the MOTHER FUCKING SHIT out of MOTHER FUCKING EVERYONE. All bullets suddenly have the power to sever limbs and decapitate people. SYLVESTER STALLONE IDDQD. IDKFA. STALLONE kills almost everyone, but kills the meanest bad guys in particularly gruesome ways. The MAXIMALLY EVIL BAD GUY tries to escape, but STALLONE kills him in the most violent way possible. SYLVESTER STALLONE Bleep yeah, bloodlust! Violence is totally cool when used against people who used violence before I did! JULIE BENZ Thanks for saving me, but isn’t it kind of ridiculous to be decrying violence while simultaneously celebrating it? SYLVESTER STALLONE Not at all. This is more than a mindless action flick. This is a very serious dramatic movie about a real-life tragedy. It just happens to have a 30-minute cartoon tacked onto the end. JULIE BENZ Really? It just seems like a cynical use of real events as a generic backdrop for a throwback to the self-indulgent action flicks of the 1980’s. SYLVESTER STALLONE Would it help if I dedicated the movie to the brave people of Burma (MYnmARR STUPiD!) before the closing credits? JULIE BENZ I wouldn’t if I were you. Remember, you tried that for Rambo III and wound up accidentally dedicating the movie to Osama Bin Laden. SYLVESTER STALLONE Oh right. Well, I guess it’s time to go start work on the screenplay to Tango & Cash 2. Should I call it “Raymond Tango” or “Gabriel Cash”? |
| Re: Star Wars 3: For those who have watched it. by FatherAita(m): 6:09pm On Mar 31, 2008 |
Hey Naija people, have you seen this site, www.universityofnigeria.com ? Its a 419 site that idiots use in swindling people. I sent a message to all Nigerian Newspapers last year hoping to expose these people but till date this site still runs fine. I believe these Nigerian Journalists are toothless Bulldogs who runs after shadows instead of fighting things that soil the name of the only GREAT country on earth, NIGERIA. This is why they are spineless to shout it loud! Check the site out and see for yourselves and please inform everyone you know. I believe the target for this site are foreigners who would like to have a Nigerian degree. God will definitely purnish the operators of this 419 site. May God help us. |
| Re: Star Wars 3: For those who have watched it. by Neoteny(m): 10:13am On Apr 01, 2008 |
FatherAita: somhow i find the irony excruciatingly funny. but thanks for the warning. |
| Re: Star Wars 3: For those who have watched it. by vescucci(m): 7:26pm On Feb 01, 2012 |
Well, this is painfully nostalgic  |
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