₦airaland Forum

1. Crying is Allowed
Most people don’t like to wallow, and some completely refuse to cry. In order to healthily get over a bad relationship, some crying is essential. It releases tension, stress and emotion, and helps you to process the break-up and heal. Soon enough, you’ll find that you don’t need or want to cry anymore – and you’ll know you’ve turned a corner. Stock up on soft tissues and cry it out when you need to.
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2. Make a Plan
Getting through the days can be tough after a break-up, and you might feel that all the days and nights are merging into one long hard stretch. Don’t look into the future just yet. Instead, focus on now. What do you need to do today? What would you like to do? Accept your limitations, and don’t overwhelm yourself, but set yourself a target to have a shower, file some paperwork, watch a comedy, make lunch. You’ll feel much better for it.
3. Be Positive…
Okay, so it hurts like hell right now, and you are probably agreeing with every tormented love song you can find, and sobbing uncontrollably whenever you remember the good times. It can be very easy to lose your positivity and become bitter and isolated, especially when you are wounded. Hey, having no contact with anyone means they can’t hurt you, right? But islands don’t last long on their own. They sink. Don’t let yourself become an island, and limit any withdrawals. Even minimal contact with friends through email or voicemail is good progress.
4. Make Yourself a Promise…
Spend some time looking at inspirational quotes and extracts. There is one rule – no heart broken lines from love songs, and nothing negative or tormented. Look for positive quotes and pin them around your house, in places when you’ll see them frequently – on the fridge, next to the bed, anywhere. One of my favorites? “Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb you

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z-z-Z786-LY&list=
5. Socialize…
You probably won’t feel like fighting your way back out onto the dance floor and finding yourself another man – and rebound relationships tend to just cause more harm anyway. But human interaction is important, and we tend to build these things into big events that feel far too tough to actually do. The solution? Get out there. You don’t need to set a hard challenge. Say hi to your postman. Spend half an hour in a local coffee shop, on your own. Meet a friend. Go to the library. Anything that gets you back among people, even if you don’t want to communicate with them yet, will help.
6. Blow off the Cobwebs…
Set yourself a date in the next fortnight to go and do something new. Sound scary? Of course. Will you want to? Almost certainly not. But it’ll do you the world of good. It’ll get your body working, your hormones flowing, refresh your emotions and give you something else to think about. Go bungee jumping, volunteer somewhere, yacht race, take a photography class. Anything. Break a new personal record and start forging a new you. While you won’t want to have gone out, you’ll be oh-so glad you did.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z-z-Z786-LY&list=
7. Remember…
You will probably find that your head is so full of information and memories about him that everything else is falling out – and that can really set back progress. Remind yourself what you have that isn’t him. Cover your laptop, diary, kitchen, bed, anywhere in things that you love, things that you have to live for and people that love you. Wear your favorite clothes and your best jewelry and eat the meals you love. Remember who you are – all of you.

Here is a 6-step process for tackling and solving those problems in your relationships.

Step 1: Define your problem and solution. Sure, you know you're upset, but what exactly are you upset about? Kate might be mad about the new fishing gear, but is it about spending the money, the fact that Tom didn't talk to her about it ahead of time, or that perhaps it's another reminder that he spends almost every weekend with his friends fishing and that they don't do things together as a couple? Sara realizes that she is upset with Matt always undermining her, but is more worried about the fact that the kids are confused and playing them against each other.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z-z-Z786-LY&list=
Take time to clearly define what bothers you the most. Figure out how you feel and why. Anger is a common reaction, but try and go one further step and ask yourself what is it that worries you or hurts your feelings. Many psychologists consider anger a reaction to other emotions lying beneath.
And if, in spite of your best efforts, your conversations get too explosive, if you need help figuring out exactly what it is that is bothering you, or if you feel overwhelmed by the number of problems you're worried about, consider seeking professional help. A couples or individual counselor can provide a safe environment for sorting out problems and discussing difficult topics, and can coach you on specific things to try at home. Your mental health association, your physician, the yellow pages, and on-line searches can lead you to qualified professionals in your area.


Sure, Kate feels angry, but actually she feels hurt that Tom doesn't seem to want to spend more time with her. Sara gets annoyed, her annoyance is masking her worry that the kids are becoming manipulative.To be able to talk about these underlying emotions, rather than your anger, gets to the core of your true feelings, and is easier for the other person to hear and understand.
But problem-solving is more than just an airing of complaints. Next you need to be clear about what you would like to be different in positive, concrete and specific terms. Suppose Kate realizes that what she really wants is for her and Tom to do more as a couple. Rather than complaining and saying to him that he is spending too much time fishing, or merely saying that she wants to do more with him, she could say instead that she would like him to have more time to do things with him as a couple and wonder whether he would be willing to leave 2 Saturdays a month for them to do things together. Sara might say that she is afraid that the kids seem confused about what is expected of them, and would like Matt to map out with her a chore list for the kids that they can both agree upon.
Step 2: Plan a time to talk. Okay, you've done your prep and are clear the problem and your solution. Now pick a good time to talk - not when your partner just walks in the door after work, not after you've both have had a couple of cocktails on a Friday night and are tired, not 10-minutes before you have to pick your daughter from soccer - but a time when you both are likely to be calm, relaxed and able to listen. If you are not sure, send your partner an email or write a note suggesting a time and giving a preview of your discussion - Matt, I'm worried about how we are handling the kids. Could we sit down on Saturday morning before the kids get up and talk about this? This gives your partner a heads-up about your concerns and schedules a time that will work for both of you.
Step 3: Talking and Listening. Okay, take a deep breath. Start by talking about your view of the problem, your worry, your solution - Tom, I know I seemed upset but the new fishing equipment but I realized that what was bothering me about it was...; Matt, I'm worried about the kids and think it's important that we both be on the same page. Talk about you, not your partner. Use "I" statements - I feel like I'm always walking on eggshells when I'm around you, I think that it would be wonderful if you could do more together - rather than "you" statements - you never say anything positive, you always seem angry. Talking about yourself helps keep your partner from feeling attacked or blamed, and getting defensive and angry in return.
Managing a conversation is a bit like driving a car. You want to keep in mind where you are going and stay on the road. You steer the conversation, just as you do when driving, by making subtle adjustments as you go along. If Kate sees that Tom is getting upset she can stop and check it out - Tom, you're looking upset. Did I just hurt your feelings? - rather than ignoring his reactions, plowing ahead, and leading them both into an emotional ditch. Do your best to sound calm.
Strong emotions stir defensiveness in the other, and undermine the problem-solving process. If your partner does start to get angry or defensive - What about you.. Last week you did...- get quiet. While you're probably tempted to defend yourself, doing so at this point is like throwing gasoline on fire. Your goal is to put out the emotional fire in the room and you do that by simply listening. If you don't fuel the fire with more words, your partner will eventually calm down.

If, however, it seems that both of you are getting worked up, that emotions are getting too high, if the conversation is beginning to feel like a power struggle with one of you needing to win or get the last word, it's important to stop before the situation gets out of hand. The best way to do this is by saying as calmly as you can that you want to take a break and cool off and that you'd like to try again in a half hour, an hour, or after dinner.
Be clear it is a time-out and that you want to talk again. Don't just say, I don't want to talk about this anymore, and walk out of the room. This kind of cut-off will only make the other more anxious and angry and escalate the process. When you are both calm, try again. If the conversation quickly heats up again, stop and take another break until both of you are absolutely calm. Control the temperature of the conversation.

If things have gone well and your partner is able to listen to what you have to say, ask for their reactions. Tom may say that he understands how Kate feels and wants to do more as a couple, but quite honestly, he says, he wants to do something more active than the car trips or the going to the movies that they've done in the past. Matt may think that a chore list a good idea, but he is particularly frustrated by the kid's inconsistent bedtimes.
The goal is hear each other out. Don't worry about over-talking if the talking is sincere and productive. Resist the "Yes, but" response, and instead focus on "Yes, and "- accepting and building on each other's ideas. See each other as on the same team, working together for the relationship. Make sure you understand exactly what the other is saying - Tom, what exactly would you rather do together? Matt, what time would you like the kids to go to bed? Keep it clear, keep it concrete, keep it calm.

Step 4: Decide on a Plan. If you are both in agreement about the problem, it's time to agree on plan of action. Again make it as specific as possible and time-limited, and try to address each of your worries and preferences. Tom agrees to not go fishing next Saturday; Kate agrees to try out Tom's idea of going hiking on a new trail. Sara and Matt agree to map out a short list of chores and bedtimes for each of the kids. They will talk together with the kids next Saturday morning, then try it for a week. Write down the plan just so it is clear to both of you.
A "let's try it" attitude is better than obsessing over the ultimate solution. The willingness to work together is more important than the decisive plan. If at any point in the planning, you feel like your partner is going along with and passively agreeing, check it out - Are you really okay with this? I can't tell how you're feeling. Don't march ahead until you know the other is onboard.
Step 5: Evaluate. Try out your plan and evaluate. Did Tom and Kate both enjoy the hike on Saturday? Were Sara and Matt able to back each other during the week when the kids started to complain about the chores? The evaluation is about honesty and fine-tuning. Kate and Tom did like the hike, but Tom really missed seeing his buddies on Saturday and would rather do it again on a Sunday. The new chores and bedtimes seemed to work okay, but Sara and Matt decide to continue for another week to see how well the kids settle into the routines, and then discuss it again. Again, keep changes clear and concrete.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z-z-Z786-LY&list=

Finally, try and give each other feedback about the talking process itself: It helped me to have us write out the plan; what did you think? Did you feel like I was giving you a hard time when we first started talking? Again you are both learning a skill. Knowing what worked and what didn't will make your future efforts at problem-solving more effective and comfortable.
Step 6: Say what you like. Researchers have found that if you want to create a positive and supportive environment for your relationships you need to give each other 4 times more positive comments than negative ones. What this means is that you can never give each other enough compliments and support: Thanks for talking, I appreciate your trying this out, I'm glad we are doing this together. This support helps you from slipping back into old patterns and encourages you to keep up the new ones.

When you first started learning to drive, you probably felt overwhelmed and awkward and went all over the road at first. Learning to steer your conversations will at first feel much the same. Don't get discouraged. With practice you will get better.
And if, in spite of your best efforts, your conversations get too explosive, if you need help figuring out exactly what it is that is bothering you, or if you feel overwhelmed by the number of problems you're worried about, consider seeking professional help. A couples or individual counselor can provide a safe environment for sorting out problems and discussing difficult topics, and can coach you on specific things to try at home. Your mental health association, your physician, the yellow pages, and on-line searches can lead you to qualified professionals in your area.

Keep in mind that you really can't make a mistake. If a conversation goes off course, circle back and try it again. Your goal is not to do it right but to do it differently - to plow new emotional ground, to speak as honestly as you can, to be open to compromise. With patience and persistence and pats on your own back, you'll be able to put your relationship problems to rest.

1....Make sure you are ready

When you're broken hearted, it's natural to want someone else's arms around you. But you are unlikely to form a good relationship while you're still hankering after your previous partner. So give yourself six months to be single. Try to enjoy it. Catch up with old friends. Decorate your home. Throw yourself into your job. Once you feel happier in your own skin, you'll be more ready for romance

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Play the numbers game

If you're not having much luck in the dating game, try building up your number of friends of both genders. Most of us find romance at work or through our network of acquaintances. If this isn't happening for you, you may need to extend your friendship circle.

Best way to do this is to spend more time on leisure activities that you enjoy, so you speak to other individuals who like the same things. The more friends you have, the more chances you have of meeting that special someone


3...Blind dates

Nowadays, we are pretty choosy when it comes to finding love. Few of us meet someone in our home town and stay with them through life. Also, most people have careers and are busy. This can mean finding a special person just doesn't seem to happen.

Loads of people now use lonely hearts ads and online dating sites to find love. Just make sure when do meet face-to-face, you do so in a public place, you let at least one friend know where you're going and you have your mobile with you.

As for speed-dating, this can be fun - especially if you take



4..Introduction agencies

Introduction agencies are a more heavy-duty way of finding a partner. But when individuals aren't having much luck and are keen to settle down, a good introduction agency can narrow the search for you.

Fees can vary enormously and if you're aiming for the elite end of the market, you might be asked to part with anything up to £10,000. If you do go down this route, make sure the agency is a member of the Association of British Introduction Agencies.

5....How to approach someone you like

If you want to get to know someone better, a good ploy is to involve him or her in some group social event. Indoor bowling is a fun evening for most people. Or you might organise a trip to the theatre and then on to a pub afterwards, so everyone can discuss what they've seen.

With luck you should be near the person you like and be able to talk together without the pressure of it being a 'date'. If things go well, you might progress to suggesting a cup of coffee sometime. And if that is successful, you'll probably feel ready to suggest a cosy dinner for two.

6..How to tell if someone likes you

People's body language can tell you a great deal about someone's response to you. When someone is interested in you it's likely there'll be lots of eye contact. They will also stand close to you when they speak. And they will possibly squeeze your arm or touch your hand when you're chatting.

As well as smiling, other good signs are if someone breathes with you, and if he or she mirrors your gestures or your posture. And if someone nods when listening to you, this means they are empathetic and pleased to be engaged in conversation with you.


7..First dates

First dates can be frightening and fraught, so don't expect too much. All you really need to establish is that you are comfortable with the other person and you don't feel physically repelled by them.

Try to do something that does not expect too much of either of you. A movie is a good choice and then dinner afterwards. That way you can at least chat about the film.

Or you might prefer just to meet for a quick drink. Better to underestimate how much time you'll want to spend together than be lumbered with each other for a whole evening.

8....Contact after the first date

If you've had a good time, there's no harm in texting or phoning to say how much you enjoyed it.

But don't insist on another date if the other person seems less than keen. A gentle 'Would you like to meet up again some time?' should be enough to establish if there's any spark.

If you don't want to meet again, it's good manners to gently let the other person know the truth. Try: 'I thought you very nice, but I don't think we could have the kind of relationship I'm looking for. Good luck for the future.'


9...How to judge if you want to see them again

Unless you thought the person was truly awful, it's a good idea to agree to a second date - even if you're not sure you're keen on them. This is because first dates are seriously nerve-wracking, which means that people are rarely at their best.

So if your date didn't speak much - or talked far too much - you might need another meeting to find out if their first date behaviour was typical or just down to nervousness.

If you don't like what you find on a second date, it's time to cut your losses and move on.


10....When to take things further

Plenty of people have sex on the first date - and this is fine so long as they are both happy with that and use contraception so neither person picks up an STD or gets pregnant.

But plenty of people do not want to rush things. And no one should be coerced into sex if they're not ready. Always remember that sex should be worth waiting for. If someone isn't prepared to wait, this person is unlikely to be right for you.

11....Mistakes and misunderstandings

We all have off days in any romance, so try not to be too quick to jump to the conclusion that it's over just because he or she is late for a date, or hasn't phoned when you'd arranged. A new relationship is bound to have its fair share of mistakes and misunderstandings while you get used to each other.

But if the bad days or lack of consideration persist, you may need to ask yourself if this relationship is doing you good. If it's not, you'll probably feel better about yourself if you're the one who ends it rather than wait to be rejected.



12....If things go well

Your good friends should be with you for life. Unfortunately, your relationship may not last that long. So even if you are thrillingly and passionately in love, don't forget to make time for mates.

It's never a good idea to lose sight of who you really are as an individual person. So take time off from being a couple and see your pals. They will remind you that you're you - and not just part of a magical couple.





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