₦airaland Forum

Thank you all for your contributions ' its emotionally exhausting and i have decided to keep my apartment ... might probably rent another place as she refuse to leave will move my properties when she is gone to work and leave for good will keep my kids and get them a maid . will get a lawyer to look into all this .... i will update you all on the next move ... i need more contributions on this i cant really think straight right now . all your prayers too i just want the best for my kids and i dont want them to end up hating me in future . I will leave my door open for visiting i wont necessary ask her for child support... Thank you all

Saintmary:
I have two angles to the issue, one is extreme, the other is mild, therefore two sets of suggestions.
This is the extreme angle: have you met with the brother before marriage to confirm if he is really the brother and not some boyfriend, when green card is involved, anything can happen.
Are you even sure the kids are yours? With the rise of reported cases of parternal fraud, its best for you not to live in denial. Suggestion: dig around the brother's story. Find out what your wife does with him behind your back, conduct DNA test. Your wife probably wants to frustrate you out of the house.

The mild angle:
Your wife is going through some personal changes. You need to allow her go through it, else, she will resent you. You need to ask her what she wants, tell her what you want, then you guys come to some agreement.
Whatever you do, involve a lawyer.

i know for the fact that its his brother but i have always been tempted to do DNA at some points though my kids look like me and all that but you cant be too sure with all this .. she is not a cheat that i know for the fact ... Right now i'm on 2 week leave and i'm watching the kids while she is at work i even cook before she comes from work all she do when she return is to eat bath and sleep ... I'm giving her all the chance she needs for the changes ... she doesnt have to worry about cooking of doing anything .. so i dont think we are having problems here ..

AwkaetitiBabe:
So there's no remedy to this marriage? Are you guys not rushing to separate? If you leave the house for her will she be able to pay the next rent? Well, in d end one's happiness matters. Be happy and take care of your kids.

i dont think she will be able to pay the rent thats why she want me to be paying the rent and everything else like it has been from the beginning

AwkaetitiBabe:
She's a good person?

Is it possible she was maltreated and unhappy when broke and jobless? She married you because you gave her a means of survival and shelter? Perhaps she's not using her normal eyes? Or her new job is shacking her?
See why it's good to marry ur friend cos when the love and passion is no longer there, mutual respect and friendship will hold the bond.

she is a good person but she is not an independent kind of person so it makes her vulnerable to be manipulated . she felt i was just a good provider and nothing else i felt used and she want me to keep on providing for everything like before but its time to move on for me . i wont be able to support her like before cos i need to do things for myself and make plans for my own future

boldx:
Young man, I suggest you go to your wife's family with 2 or 3 men (a bit elderly) to discuss with her people before your marriage break downs completely. Let the elders speak on your behalf and please do not show any sign of annoyance.

the problem is from the family the marriage is over already i just want her to move out so i can move on properly

healthserve:
It's thought manipulation na. It's not new. That's why when you pick her wife for marriage you must ensure people she's close to stay far from you guys and limit communications. People don't know how to influence without manipulating. You've lost her to your brother I'm sorry, you're now in the territory of perhaps and maybe. The moment he came close or wanted to stay with you, you should have desisted. As it stands the only way to get her back is if God wills it or you yield I.e permitting her brother come stay with you. And your kids would pick up strange habits in the long run


Damn. I'm getting tired of marriage already. All these issues we see daily drains one's energy

Take it easy my brother. May God grant you the wisdom and fortitude to make the right decisions and stick by its causative effects

thank you very much ... Las las the kids will be fine i tried my best . this days marriage is just too stressful

healthserve:
He's trying to control your home and dictate what happens using family bond with his sister as a weapon. Send her away her eyes will clear when sense falls on her. Damn it. I hate intolerant and naive people like this. Unmarried man trying to control another marrieds man home. Imagine

you get the point , he is very manipulating sometimes he will hold her sister and be crying like oh i miss my sister all those stuff its just irritating to me .

Saintmary:
I mean, how did you meet, what was she doing for a living before you met, and you too, how old were you guys, how was your relationship like before marriage, after marriage, what changed? How long has the marriage lasted, how long after marriage did you have kids, how many years are between your kids?
Answers to these questions will help us give you advice, this is a faceless forum, I doubt if anyone is interested in tracing you out.
And we all know that no one is perfect.

kids and 5 and 7 .... been living together for 8 years and legally married for 5 years . she was still at school while we met and we dated for a while then i travel she join me few months later and we are living just fine . I'm 34 she is 32 ... the problem starts when her brother joined us here . he lived with us for 36 months . i accept him gave him all i could . but he wanted more like clubbing and all that i cant afford those life . the only reason he could afford those life was because I'm paying the rent and other utility bills ..

we have to travel to nigeria for a while so i have to tell him to get himself a place cos we will be gone for some months which he did but it seems difficult for him to cope with all the bills and his lifestyle . when we return from nigeria i got a place for us and let his brother be on his own this doesnt sit well with my wife and her brother ever since then i no longer enjoy my life everything i do becomes a taboo . just tired i just want a best way i can do away with all this without any drama . honestly I dont want the marriage no more . the only thing holding me down is the kids i dont know how to solve this puzzle

bukatyne:
What are the issues in your marriage before she started working?

The Main issue is she want us to be attending her brother church and i said nope there is nothing special about this church but she just wants us to do things to satisfy her brother ....

secondly she wants her brother to live with us i have tried that in the past and its just not going to happen again her brother is 36 I'm 34 he isnt married nor have kids i have kids while he was living with us he will always want us to go out and chill ... i just cant afford those lifestyle i have too many bills to take care of . the only reason he could afford those lifestyle was because i was the one paying for the bills and he is spending his on girls and drinks

now that he is living on his own he seems bitter and trying to sabotage my home ...

bukatyne:
No bi Obodo Naija you dey?

Hmmm.

Anyways, my last post still stands. Expecting your response.

nope not in nigeria

Saintmary:
Oga, what have you been doing to her when you were working and she wasn't. If a child trips he will look forward, whereas if a adult trips, he will look backwards.
Start your story from the beginning.

no one is perfect already and I'm not going to say I'm perfect all i know is i have done all i can , i make sure i gave her allowance for every month we never have problem until now that her brother move down here .. up till date i still pay for everything in the house she just want to be single and free yet still want all the benefit that comes with been married

bukatyne:
This sounds strange.

All cannot be well and the brother comes from nowhere to start controlling things.

Maybe that is just the symptoms of the problem which I am sure goes way deeper.

Methinks the family has been trying to reach and uses the brother as an avenue. You didn't agree to switch churches, next ALL her family thinks you don't want them around.

What is the correlation between the church you attend (same/separate) and them coming to your house? Or does their church teach only vidists to fellow members?

You said your wife got a job recently. What was her attitude to job hunt prior to now? What was your attitude to her job search? Could it be she thinks her family more supportive of her quest hence the invitation to other churches?

From all you said, there is no serious reason to end the marriage so you have got to roll your sleeves and put in a lot of work to get your home back.

Before she got the job, was she responsible for taking care of the home domestically?

And what does she mean by she wants to live her life hence the separation.

Are you stopping her from living her life?

I just dont know who she is anymore my kids are growing and her brother live some kind of life in which i don't want my kids to be open to , there was a time when we visit his brother and his friends came in smoking weed in the house my wife was okay with that but i'm not i have to take my kids out for a while and she fought me because of that ... I see no reason why my kids should inhale weed . she said its because i don't like her family . so whenever her brother invite her for a party i always tell her not to go with the kids . this are the only reason why she wants to live her live

healthserve:
Every man can summon a meeting of both families. This is what the OP should do if he must get answers and way forward. It's an absolute necessity. Otherwise she's the husband



Personally this marriage from the picture here has ended. It's a pity you're only clinging to hope that she'll change her mind. But the marriage has ended its course

I dont even want the marriage no more she just doesnt want to leave , i have tried involving families in the past it doesnt work

healthserve:
Threathen and regain control of your home if you want her and the marriage back. Kick her out to go to her brother simple. Hold on the your kids and watch out the scenario plays out

I already did this she said she will never leave nor go to her brothers

uzedo1:
Don't move out yet.

I really just dont know what to do and i dont even want to make peace with her she is stressing me out and I'm just tired

sweetonugbu:
If you can afford it leave, but make sure she contributes half of the rent for the present apartment.

even though she is working now she doesn't want to contribute a cent , she still want me to pay all the fees and everything . we dont live in nigeria and the rent is monthly and expensive two , plus i have to pay the kids school fees every month as well she doesnt want to help in any of this because she sees is as my cross to carry .. i just don't want my kids to lack anything i can take good care of my kids without her i can even hire a nanny . but she wont leave and i cant continue living with someone who will be provoking me every time .... if i have to leave i might not be able to cater for all the needs of the house and the needs for the kids she is just stressing me out

bukatyne:
What are the issues in your marriage before she started working?

the problem starts 2 years ago when her brother move close to where we live , her brother is 2 years older than me and he isnt married yet , he seems to know whats best for my home thats where the problem starts .. he has been talking to my wife to stop going to our church and be attending his own church because he supposed pastor is the only true man of God .. i kick against the idea and ever since then her whole family makes it to look as if i dont want her family around ...

healthserve:
OP marriage ends the moment one party many times a woman says they're no more interested. Seek and speak to a clergy and your families not here. Go and summon a family meeting

she doesnt want to talk to anyone else other than her family . and her families are the kind of people that never see wrong in what there kinsmen does . they only see the wrong of others . she reject the option of talking to a professional

uruba23:
If she is insisting on leaving the marriage they have to be a basis for leaving, just don't get yourself worked up unnecessarily, and do check the kind of friend she call close friends. If they are single,most likely she missed what they are enjoying and want more freedom, so you have to seat her down and talk some sense to her.

most of her friends are single mothers and the reason , i have tried talking to her she is not getting it .. she just missed being single i tried as much as i can to let her understand that she has two kids to cater for she is just not getting it . i end up doing the kids cooking and all that all she want is to be out there . i cant kill myself

Hi Guys ... needs a public opinion on this . My wife said she is no longer interested in the marriage that she want to exist , in as much as i love her and the kids i believe its best for us .... i love my wife very much but i just cant live with her .. but there are two kids involved trust me those kids are the reason i keep it all together till this moment . she told she would have moved out if she have other places to go because she wasn't working and she broke the news immediately she find a job . we have been married for 7 year and she never work i give her monthly allowance and everything . this is the problem she find a job she is no longer interested in the marriage and she wont move out ... i have to move to the living room while she use our room because we live in 2 bedroom apartment . she said she wont leave the house and want me to rather leave the house for her ... her new job is challenging and she hardly home .. i spend time with the kids more than she does sometimes she gets back at 8 sometimes 9 pm ... i would have done all the necessary thing in the house cook feed the kids and all that when she returns she will go straight to the kitchen eat then spend the rest of the day on the phone with family and friends .. sometimes she will abuse me to her friends and family ... i would have just move out but i fear for the welfare of my kids and its hard starting again getting a house and setting it up ... she is a good person though no one is perfect i just don't know what to do .. she has a brother that lives close to us her brother is one of the reason why we have many issues ... i told her to move in with her brother since she hardly home sometimes the kids are a slept when she return she said i should be the one leaving my house .. I'm not a weak man just don't want drama and i just want my kids to live in a peaceful environment ...