₦airaland Forum

I need honest and constructive advice from my Beloved Nairalanders. I have been married for a little over a year now. In the earlier years of our relationship, it seemed as though we shared similar values (still does sometimes) but must importantly, even though I loved him desperately, I knew he loved me even more. Barely a couple of months into our marriage, I fell pregnant. Though it was a fairly easy pregnancy compared to most other horrible experiences I've come across, I was left with zero sex drive. I'd always be quite fit and beautiful but the pregnancy made me feel permanently ill and unattractive and this affected my desire for sex. Despite this, I kept at it knowing fully well that there was another person with needs and desires to be met. Sex stopped being as frequent as before - but it was there.
Between then and now, my husband has become a serial cheat. Keeping late nights everyday with all sorts of women calling even when he finally gets home by 2am.


He is being mentally and emotionally abusive (never physically because he is too manipulative for that) . The worst part of it is that as a woman you know when your husband is cheating. I see the proofs - phone conversations, captured nude screen shots of other women etc... And he keeps trying to make me feel like I'm crazy and paranoid. It has gotten to the stage where I feel so rubbed and cheated. I cringe when he touches me now and try to force a reaction when we are having sex. I simply can't shake the feeling of hurt and betrayal. And I now feel as though I'm being held prisoner because in my heart I know I deserve better.

I've got 2 degrees from some of the best universities in the Nigeria. I have a job that most people could only dream of. I earn at least 3 times more than what he earns. And in the few months after the birth of my baby, I have returned to a size 6. Yet I still try to be the wife our mothers teach us to be. I know better hence I feel deeply cheated. Try as I may, this feeling has taken over my mind to the point where even the thought of being intimate with him feels like a betrayal to myself and fills me with disgust! At this point, I'm at the end of my ropes and I don't know what to do... Kindly advice... Thank you.

We don't intentionally go hunting for ur husbands, we meet them like you meet people everyday, through friends, at the supermarket, at work functions hell even on the side of the road. We don't always know from the get go the man is married because a lot of these brothers don't wear rings or come with a stamp saying "taken". Half the time he's alone, there's no trace of you, even in his car! It takes a well trained eye to spot traces of another woman, e.g seatbelt perfume, weave strands, hair oil on the headrest, etc.

My job in your relationship is to give him a break from reality, yes you and the kids are real but so are the bills and school fees and work stress. I'm where he de-stresses. I know my place trust me I do, I know to keep quiet when you call while we together. Click to continue reading.


I know not to spend on his credit card but to ask for cash, all this is to protect you, yes you, from pain, humiliation and suffering, I get a tired frustrated man and send you a well rested happy man, thank me don't disrespect me for it!Calling me won't change the fact that my clothes are expensive and my car is paid off, it won't change the fact that my university fees are paid and I get to go to the weekend conferences or boy's nites out, swearing at me won't change the fact that he grips my headboard when he rocks my world and screams like a girl, something u probably don't even know about the man u married.
U don't know the effort we put behind our little rendezvous jus to keep ur pudgy ass happy, and feeling secure.

Trust me the more u come after me the more he wants me, the more money he spends on me, the more intense our sessions get.
A true nyatsi will never ask him to leave u, instead she encourages him to stay with you even if you have messed up badly.

We never consider getting pregnant out of fear of having to deal with your sour face for the rest of our lives. So relax, your kids are priority numero uno, even to us, we pick out the toys and clothes he shows up with, we encourage bonding time.

Consider yourself lucky if u find my number, at least u know he's taken care of when u tired, and he's gonna come right back once we done re-furbishing my apartment. Oh and trust me, I do the fighting for us, its my job to make sure its just us two, any others will be dealt with severely by me, so don't ruin ur manicure, I get a weekly one so its okay, let me do it.

I respect you, hence I stay away from family functions and make sure I take all my stuff out of the car when I was there,
I don't call after he's left the office because I know its your turn.
I have my own things, the rest is just a bonus for having a kind and sharing attitude, I'm a professional with a great job
and earn enough, I don't have time to tend to a fulltime relationship hence I don't mind when he goes home to you.

My advice to you "mama'se khaya" stay in your home, and don't pack your stuff and go tell your mom how u failed at being a wife, it just makes u look stupid and weak and our man needs strong women around him. Look after your kids, tend to your home, cook those hearty meals you so famous for, I can't cook with these nails. Don't ask about me, he's just going to lie and toss and turn in bed thinking about me in my victoria secret set he bought me for valentines day. Let me be, I will leave on my own accord one day.

If u don't we might jus trade places and you going to be saying "witchdoctors" or I consult babalawos, I don't, I would rather spend that money on expensive holidays with our man. Truth is, I make him feel good, I'm a reminder of when he was young and I do all the things you are afraid to do, or just won't do because you believe you are past that, I'm forever young and I compliment him, u suit him, trust me honey there is a huge difference.

I respect marriage and all it stands for, that's why I'm doing my part to help yours stay together, so don't think I don't, I respect the nice thing you have done and I love your kids too much to hurt them. Don't cry over me, or what we do, let it be, play your part and I will do what I'm supposed to do.

Yours (and your mans)

Nyatsi

Arcard: Its already thre fo u to call

What is the number? Do people know about it?

Just wondering if Nigeria have a nation- wide emergency calling system with numbers to call in
times of emergency and extreme situations.
Like in the developed countries, for example, the USA have a nation-wide number, 911, that anyone in
an emergency situation can call for help. You will be directed to police, fire department or
ambulance service, depending on the type of emergency.

If Nigeria does not have a nation-wide emergency calling system, this is a call for action. Nigeria have
come of age.
Mature contributions only. Please, no first to comment.

lawyer: Who is this familiar Barrister_at_Law that is seasoned, smart and experienced? . . . hmmm let me think! Ah it's me! Lol

Anyway let me just give you my 2 cents briefly and show you how it can be done legally to avoid pitfalls.

1. Anyhow you look at it, its a business to make profit, so you must guard yourselves against any unforeseen liabilities or issues that will crop up.

2. Be very realistic and don't compare yourself with other real estate developers that have done this or that. You neither know how they obtained funds to build theirs and how they intend to offset their debts. All that glitters is not gold.

3. Going back to point 2 above, set your expectations and budget to the barest estimate so you don't over shoot your income mid way and be stuck with a still born project and every other subscriber will be calling you a fraudster for no fault of yours.


4. Give yourself a detailed calculations for the essential things and follow it judiciously. I saw your above calculations and i know from my experience that it is some million Naira short because you didn't take into account so many things e.g:

1. Cost of land, 2. Agency Fees 3. Legal Fees 4. Omonile Signing fees + their youth development and all the idiotic side fees they collect 5. Survey fees 6. Foundation and Roofing fees 7. Buying of block from them and other materials plus community laborers 8. Omonile fees so that they wont disturb you when your building 9. Perfection of the Documents which could cost up to a million Naira depending on the area and the time frame to get it when you factor Alausa bottle necks and 10. Cost and time of Getting the Approved building plan.

The above 10 costs has nothing to do with even building the property and all the attendant costs and i make no pretense that am an expert there so i leave that to you to provide a proper estimate in building your property.

5. Also look at the place you intend to buy a land because nobody will buy a property that has no accessibility, no life, up and coming area or a place they generally don't feel comfortable.

6. Are you going to sell a property that has no proper government documentation? What if you finish building the property and the C/O or Governor's consent isn't yet out? What exactly would you be transferring? NO DOCUMENT!!!

7. What about contribution and the members they your soliciting to join you? How many members are you looking at? What is the share ratio each member is to drop? If the whole project is to cost N 25MILLION, How many people do you need to make up the N 25Million? 25 people at N 1Million each? Are they all going to pay at the same time and date? What if 16 pays on time according to your deadline date and the remaining 9 stagger their payments along the line and out of the 9 who promised to pay,2 rescind in their promises to redeem their N1 million each, how do you coerce them to fulfill their promise? Any contractual obligation drawn out to hold them liable and if they still choose not to pay up, are you ready to sue them for specific performance? Are you going to take out of the 16 Million Naira to pay legal fees for a case that could take 5 Years or more to decide?

Are you going to tell the subscribers to pay more money as time comes to fulfill the project because some members defaulted in their pledges or the instalmental payment cannot finish the job on time? What if an act of God occurs? Rain, Storms, Flood, Arson, Omonile fight and the structure is demolished half way or poor materials etc, what happens? Who pays who and what?

The above is not meant to sound like a dooms day scenario but actual legal cases i have handled or handing based on simple things people neglect when planning a project this big. To most of you its one house so nothing catastrophic should happen and all should go well. Well, if it doesn't go well, what next? Who is responsible for fees and money spent? Besides if all goes well and some people pay money as investors with different amounts and you end up not selling it quickly as envisaged, how do you contain the uproar and how do you share profits without wahala of fraudulent complains?

These are the reasons you hear of so many developers abandoning their projects or collecting money instalmentally and not delivering the property to the buyer. Greed, lack of planning, lack of proper budgeting, high unrealistic expectations and mostly lack of experience in this field leads to the above problems enunciated.

The Solution to this to make your project very feasible and realistic is as follows:

1. Register a real estate company that deals with construction of properties for buyers. With that,as individuals you are covered from any liability and people can only sue you as a company and not individually except 1 person chopped the money and they will lift the veil of incorporation.

2. The Company will specify the share ratio of each director and will spell out how many percentage they should all contribute to make this business work. The bigger the share ratio, the more that director or shareholder will pay out to complete this job.

3. If you plan for N 25Million, please raise almost N 30Million cash before you embark on anything. The moment you receive N7 Million and say ' Lets start with this or do something, the rest will come', is just the beginning of problems for you. Its not your private project for your family that you can use 20 years to build brick by brick. Don't do it or be tempted to. Police or EFCC will carry you guys for fraudulent misrepresentation.

4. Finally engage professionals, such as lawyers, accountants, architects, builders etc, let them give you an exact quote and estimate for the next 1 year so that you know whether its a feasible thing to do or not. Houses are not built on the pages of Nairaland.

5. Continue having your meetings, get your subscribers on Nairaland who are ready to invest, let them know the pros and cons of this project, build the crowd and amount. Meet them, discuss with them, raise the right amount needed and the rest is a piece of cake.

Cheers

Very interesting and educative.
I am still on the fence though.

@ Brabus,Keep raising the standard. Awesome building.

Try skype

Would you rather invest in buying lands/ building apartments for rent/ sell or invest
in govt/ company bonds and shares/ stocks? Nairalanders share your thoughts and experiences. Thanks!

Anyone?

Hello Nairalanders,

I live in the west coast of USA, and wish to re-issue (current passport is already 10 yrs).
I plan to go to New York or Washington, DC, for the new e-passport.
Does anyone have experience with Nigerian Embassy in Washington, DC or Nigerian Consulate in New York?