₦airaland Forum

Been away from here healing and healing. I've had more exciting experiences.

At this time, I'm seeing a man I'm very sure I'd be marrying because it doesn't make sense to not marry him. He's a good man. But I'm not crazy about him. I'm simply used to him. We've been friends for ages. He's not my sensory spec, but he's my logical spec.

He doesn't make me blush silly like Chibundu does, for instance. He doesn't exude the kind of masculinity that Chibundu exudes.

This man is the male version of a yes-woman. I prefer my men masculine and in control.

We've never had sex, and I know it's largely because it's not something I'm looking forward to.

But he's a thoroughly kind man.. a God-fearing man...and he loves me crazy... and his family want me with open arms.

So I'll marry him, and maybe hope he grows into the kind of man I admire. We'll be partners.

I only just wish I was marrying someone I'm crazy about.

It is true what they say that when a woman gets sexually involved with a man, most often, her whole feelings are in it, she becomes irrational without realising. That's why I'm never again trying sex until marriage.

Ethan and I have been having some problems and it's resulted in us not speaking to each other. My guess is that the situation is convenient for him because he's cheating, and I, on the other hand don't want to be with a man who makes me very suspicious of his dealings, and who doesn't show me everyday that he's choosing me. The circumstances leading to our split are several.

1. I have a very strong hunch that Ethan is tracking me, or bugged my house, my phone or emails. I suspect that he's found out things he cannot discuss because then he would have to explain how he came about the information.

2. I suspect that he's cheating.

3. He doesn't give me the feeling that a girl in a committed relationship should have because he does not demonstrate this commitment enough.

4. Ethan is wholly patriarchal. He wants to be fully responsible for his woman.
He wants to fix every one.
He wants to act as the African man and get away with it.

5. He's indecisive about his religion.

But despite all of these, what the real deal breaker for me was is number two.

I was ready to accept him for all the others, to be patient, and let things unfold, but what I couldn't take was the feeling that this man is elusive... that I might be dating myself.
The other day, I told him I was going to come spend Thanksgiving with him and stay a little longer, and man didn't seem pumped about it. Rather he became incommunicado days after. After we had stopped speaking, and I had said to him that I didn't want to continue the relationship no more, the ex with the new baby began inching back slowly. Having no further motivation to push him away, I just let him be. I let him call me when he wanted to, let him sort out my credit cards.

It was just yesterday when the ex was trying to kiss me and get cozy, but I didn't feel a thing anymore. This ex whose breath could literally raise my nippers to high temptations. But I've mentally & emotionally moved on with Ethan, and now I can no longer be emotionally available to the ex nor anyone else for sometime.

I'm proud and sustaining the split, with Ethan but it's because he's had me believe what we had didn't matter much to him. But it mattered so much to me. I love Ethan. I love him with evry fibre of my being. I love him regardless of the fact that he's snooping on me. It doesn't worry me because I'd never be a cheat, and so whatever else he discovered from his spy-activities are not things he can reasonably hold against me. I love him despite his religious indecisiveness. It was enough for me that he's kind and rational. I love him despite his patriarchal tendencies. When I love and respect a man, I let him be in control and step back.

My ex just had a baby. No, not Ethan. The ex before Ethan. The baby came yesterday and he sent me a video. I don't know how I feel 'bout it. It feels mightily weird that he got a girl pregnant while I already knew him. Yes, we were broken up at the time he got involved with the other girl, but then he came back asking for us to fix our relationship shortly after, and we sorta did, only for him to break the news three months later that he got involved with someone who got pregnant.

I didn't take it well. I have no problem with a man having a baby, but to think that I was somehow in the picture when it happened is driving me crazy. Baby and mother are going to the US, he has no continued relationship with her, but I still feel slighted. It was one of the reasons that fuelled my breakup, and then I met Ethan.

We were dating all of those years, I wanted a baby but couldn't have a baby because we weren't married yet, and then now he's gone on to have a baby. I like to be rational, but this feels too personal.
Nobody knows about the baby. He's hiding it from his entire family and close friends. Only I and one other friend know about the baby.
Yesterday, I was feeling so petty and wanted to call his mum and tell her she has an additional grandchild.


It hurts!!

If we ever get back together (although we wouldn't), our baby's not going to be his first.
He's very very good with babies. It makes my tummy churn imagining him playing and cuddling his new baby. A baby of his from another woman.
I hate that he'll have obligations outside his home.
I'm not a wicked person. I can't deny him the right to be in his child's life if we get married.
But it's such a complicated situation.
I just hate all of it!!!!!!!

I'm not motivated to do anything today. Jus wanna stay in bed all day and cry ma eyes out. Tears not coming, but I feel sick in my gut. I think I'm forcing maself to not feel my feelings.

I know not what I'm doing. Just meandering through this maze with my limited sense. God just guide me and do not allow me make costly mistakes.

I don't want to feel like I'm fating things to go wrong... like I just can't relax, but Ethan's inexplicable disappearances are just bothersome.
And so there continues to be something in the pit of my belly that tells me something's off.

I hope I'm so so wrong.
Two days ago, a college friend had been recounting to me how she discovered her boyfriend was engaged to be married. She made this discovery on her birthday, and just a week since he suddenly started ghosting her.

But why are some men so cold? Why take a person's feelings and toy with it? So unkind so unfeeling so cruel!
Can't explain how hard and deep I fell in love with Ethan.
Can't count the number of times when my thoughts drift to him and it makes me so happy.
How nothing else is more pleasurable than just thinking about him.


Ethan's got some really delicate features.
Warm, pretty eyes...
Neat fitting nose
Soft yet full lips...
Straight legs...
Clean feet.
And oh my, small buttocks. Two for 5 naira bumbum.

Yesterday Ethan and I were really cool. He called me on his way back from work. He had closed late so he was really tired. We had a great conversation.

Babe was so worn out but he thought to call. We spoke earlier today where he was telling me about doors that weren't fitting into the new house.

Just this evening we were speaking again while he was eating his ram suya. Ram suya that his aboki messenger wanted him to come pick up from the junction. We were still on that call when the call suddenly dropped.

Called the other line, rang but no response.

Now both lines aren't going through.
All these weird occurrences.


We're meant to see in a few weeks time... me going to his city this time around.

I'm waiting to see if any funny situation comes up.

The man's ways sometimes are just very suspicious.

Paranoia.
Ethan's back home and he gave me a rundown of how his day went.

Nothing amiss.

I feel weird now for overthinking the situation. I need to get rid of that seed of doubt his nonsense friend planted in my head. I also need to check my paranoia levels.

We spent almost an hour arguing about an aspect of my job. He just doesn't get it. I tried so hard to explain that it doesn't work the way he perceives it. But he may never really understand unless he's worked in that same field.

Twas exhausting. He thought I was being harsh, and I wanted for him to understand it wasn't a me thing.

I need to look for where they sell doses of "chill pill" so I can buy some.

I don't want to be a person who has trust issues. Ethan has two houses in two major cities, but he only lives in one.

Remember when I said we had a big fight? It was because during the initial period of our relationship, I was suspicious of his marital status so I asked. When his friend was asked,

"Is Ethan married?"

Friend responded "sort of."

I confronted Ethan on this and he completely debunked it.

After a while, I chose to believe him.

But I guess somehow I've never been able to move past the fact that his FRIEND said he was somewhat married.

So now, he's in one of the cities where he doesn't live in anymore, and he's not been reachable for the better part of today other than the early hours of the morning when he texted me on whatsapp.

My head is conjuring things. Why does he have a house running in a city he doesn't live in?
So maybe selling it wouldn't be a great idea, but what about renting or leasing it out?

I think I know, too, that he's in the town for an official purpose, so maybe he's genuinely busy.
But I hate to be left in the dark.

When I'm in the dark, I just wonder and conjure scenarios.

Nomorelove:
I believe you didn't read what I wrote else you wouldn't have settled down to compose this rubbish.

Wahala for who take Nwamaikpe seriously o!

I can't explain how much I love Joeboy's "Alcohol."

Oridnarily, foreign R&B appeals to me more, but this song got me hooked!!

I always wonder if these people don't know people in real life.

Are you a hermit?

Too painful. This is why I don't keep up with sports or games.

When my team loses, I'll be so so pained

There's so much about Ethan that I love.

For one, he knows what to do with a woman.

Interestingly, he's just three years older than I am, which would have been another big no!!

My first ex was 6 years older... second was 10 years older... all the others I almost dated were at least 8 to 10 years older, so that was my standard.

I had always thought younger guys immature immature clueless, but not Ethan.

Ethan really does know what to do with a woman.

All the random kisses...

He'll order something for himself and order mine, too.

How he sits with me in the kitchen while I'm cooking even when the fumes from bleaching oil are about to choke him to death...

His helplessness when there's no food in the house. Lol. Like he'll just stay there, not complaining because he knows I'm busy. I'll nau be feeling sorry for him. Like, oh my poor hungry baby! And then go fix something snappy.

He doesn't have stress... he can stay on his own... just give him his favourite skits... alcohol to sip... his airpods...phone...Netflix... and he's 100% fine!

How he says "babe" "my love" "love of my life." As a matter of fact, in all the months we've been talking, 5 months now. I've never heard him call my name. Lol.
It's sort of amusing.
Once when we had a "big fight" he couldn't "babe" me anymore, but he couldn't as well call me by my name because it would have been too strange on his lips. Hahaha

And then he's so very playful.

I've also never asked him for anything that he turned down. Although I've not even asked laidat. Asking is hard for me. I'll rather finish my money to the last kobo instead of asking. But I think he likes to take responsibility, and it's so so beautiful...

I'll be on my way to make my hair, and he'll pull me back asking why I didn't collect money for the hair... then show me to his drawer where he kept money...


When I send him lists of cooking items to buy, he knows not a thing on the list but everything on the list is purchased. If the gate man gets an item wrong, he'll send him back to get the exact even if it means tipping him a lot more.
The cluelessness is amusing and kinda endearing...

How he says "daddy's fine" and it will be sexiest thing ever.


His card is on my shopping app. He put it there, but I've never used it even though I know he won't bat an eyelid if I do.

When I have to go out and he can't drop me off, he just naturally books my ride, bill on him...

Yesterday, I told him about something on my to-do-list and he said I shouldn't try it... and that was it, yanked it off my list.

I like that he can have a say in things that pertain to me.
The authority he exercises, and I let him, because beyond loving him, I respect him... effortlessly.
Makes me feel good that someone can actually talk to me and I'll listen because I'm really stubborn. There's only one other person I listen to like that.


I like how he is with his juniors... doesn't try to be intimidating...

I love how he plays the snooker...

I appreciate how he sees one or two slipups on my part and he doesn't make bones about it...

He makes me feel really safe, and loved.


He's such a manly man.


I don't tell him all these things, sha. Lol.

I don't want it getting into his head that I'm crazy about him.

He may start misbehaving.

But I believe he knows I love him truly.

.

For the love of freedom of expression, mahn!
I've been restless for months.

A place to rant freely.
Yeah, this is the reason 90% of us keep diaries. We want to instantly write down our thoughts.
We want to rant.
We want to share the secrets we can't tell anyone else.


So meet me people!
You can call me Pandah

I created this diary in the hope that I can be COMPLETE LY anonymous.

I suspect my bf is on NL and he may have stumbled on my other diary.

So I created this one so I can talk freely.


His having access to my diary gives him undue privilege, like he lives in my head and knows about my thoughts.


So, to begin with.

I'm female.
Tribelesss tbvh.
I'm a good-bad girl.
Secretly spoilt, but not spoilt laidat laidat. 
I'm opinionated, but I'm also really soft and malleable.
I think for a man I love, he's super lucky, because I give my ALL!!
I'm not a mumu sha.... although the boyfriends always find a mumu button to press.
But it's love.
I know how to press his own, too.

I really love me!!!
Sometimes I'm proud, or let's just say I'm very conscious of my self worth.

Ehen, oya, let's go!!!!!


Next update coming soon.

He's relentless.