Mama i no wan eat beans o, i shouted loud and clear for every tom, diick and harry to hear.
If you are not eating beans then you are going to bed hungry, papa replied in a voice that would make Rick Ross jealous.
I managed to eat the beans because i find it difficult to control my bowels after eating it but i have no choice.
We all ate beans that night, papa, mama, i and my siblings and some extended cousins that came to spend the holidays with us. Hours later, we were watching Jennifer’s diary on Africa magic when the generator went off.
Wasiu!! Papa shouted. Go and check the gen, e be like say fuel don finish and make sure you pour the remaining fuel into it and on it back, he ordered.
I quickly went outside to do his biddings cos i was enjoying the movie too when something that sounded like the banger we throw on every new year’s eve landed on my face.
Gboaa!!!
Haa jesu!! I staggered for balance, i saw heaven opened with God and Jesus smiling at me telling me to keep up the good work. I was brought out of my reveries with another slap that will make the combination of both Sango/Amadioha’s thunder look like the clapping of a little baby.
Oya lead the way, the one that looked like their leader commanded. I led them into our store cos at this stage i was already seeing triple blame it on the slap. I finally found my way into our sitting room with a gun pointed to my head.
All of una lie down!! Their leader commanded. Wey your father? He asked me. I pointed at my younger bro wondering when he started going bald. I no be papa o, na papa be this, he shouted with all his might and pointed at papa.
Papa gave out the first fart which sounded like a volcano.
Who is that? The leader asked. Everywhere was silent.
I said who is that? He had barely completed his sentence when mama replied with another epic fart. Meanwhile, the stinking odour of papa’s fart that smelled like a dead rat is still thick in the air. Now with mama own which smelled like a rotten egg joining it, you can imagine our dilemma.
Hun haa!!! My first cousin who is a notorious farter jumped up blowing air with his hands to his nose. Papa and mama wasiu this is too bad o, una wan kill person? he complained bitterly. I think his face is very near to where mama buttocks is.
Will you shut up, he was cut short by the second thief. Where is your money and gold? He faced papa.
I no get money o, papa never finished his statement when a slap that sounded like the Catholic bell landed on his face. Papa replied with a fart that lasted for 30seconds, i was gasping for breath at this stage.
E be like say na farting family be this o, you dey craze abi you think say we come here to play, infact we are killing all your children, their leader ranted.
Oya you come out, he pointed at my first cousin. Say your last prayer, as if on cue with my other cousins, they all let out a fart that saw the leader running outside never to return. I can hear the barking of our dog that sounded like the cry of a baby cat i guess he is about to be choked too.
E no go better for all of you, the second thief sounded like he is about to cry. See as una take use mess send my oga away. But before we go, we go carry this una television go. He called on the other three thieves with him to carry the television. Meanwhile, my elder sister is hiding close to the t.v releasing toxic substance into the air in per seconds billing. The two thieves were about to carry the t.v when my sister broke the record papa and mama has been competing for. The thieves ran out as if they were been chased leaving one of them behind who has been unconscious since papa’s second fart.
We found a rope to tie him and hand him over to the police who refuse to believe we don’t have a week old corpse in our house even after they have searched every nook and cranny of our house. One of them even suggested they use oxygen mask for them to be able to search properly.
Officer, they came with two tippers and one dangote truck full of guns but i beat all of them and they ran away except for this one i didn’t allow to escape. I could hear father proudly boasting as i was wheeled into the ambulance. I think he is right if only he made mention of mama’s beans as his gun and the farts as his bullets.
Doctor said i only experienced shock cos of the attack but what he doesn’t understand is that my sister’s fart shocked me to the bone marrow.
Rejoice with me as i welcum baby girl today at exactly 7:35pm. To God be the glory!!!
written by johnwizey