₦airaland Forum

Saladdin:
This is true, Madam Bukatyne though I feel this is slowly changing. My married friends and colleague are actively involved in their homes beyond provision (I belong to the 90s generation).

In my tribe (in NC), we believe a man is supposed to provide, protect and care for his family to point of laying down his life if need be. This is what I saw my dad do.

My plan when I get married is to be involved l, by shopping with them, taking them to leisure spots, attending their inter-house sports, pray with them etc. Regardless of his my (future) wife works or not, I plan to foot all the bills—no 50-50 split in my dictionary.

So help me God.

@bold:

True

Hence my comment below in bold:

bukatyne:
@bold:

One of the most foolish training given to Nigerian women. SW is also in this boat.

Imagine Nigerian fathers training their sons not to depend on a woman to keep the home or support him in his vision?. That even if she doesn't keep the home and do other duties, the husband should take care of himself and kids. Isn't it foolish?

Of what use is a man that you can't depend on? How would he even know what his duties are when he sees his fore-fathers loafing about and still 'fine'?

Of what use is marriage when one partner is going to be useless?

Anyways, the women are getting wiser and the men are picking up at least financially and in some cases chores. Let's ginger them to do more till they become leaders they should be.

I pray God would help you to be the kind of husband you want to be. 100% is not even necessarily my cup of tea.

Responses on this thread are one of the many reasons why men are pushed into doing ritual, fraud and other gory things in order to earn money.

All they care about is themselves and children. Nobody care about the man's wellbeing. If he die tomorrow, God forbid, what have the wife gained? Is being alive not enough reasons to be thankful and appreciative?

When he had a job, he was taking care of everything. But there's no job, what do you want him to do? Should he go and rob and burgle.

Everyone keep saying he can't take care of his children.. his children.. shebi the children are his? Oya let him carry one of the children and use to do ritual money.

ahnie:
I don't think that training is entirely useless,it has helped majority of us in the long run it helps you to be independent,strong and self reliance.
As for me....man nor go fit do yanga for me Sha,welda he provides or not,once I see how the ship dey sail,I don pick my paddle dey sailam to the direction wey I want tam.

Like I said before...the op of this thread nor get wahala,make she device away of giving her kids meals,since she has always bn the sole provider,her kids should be her priority,make the man figure his sorry arse out.

That is the reason I said it was useless.

There is nothing like independence in a marriage; a man and woman depend on themselves to build a home. They are interdependent.

Secondly, because we received those trainings, we do not know what to look for in a husband. Let me just marry any one after all, if he doesn't perform, I would do it. Then married but living single now sets in.

And because the men know we received that training, they don't show up with their A game. After all, if they don't perform, what are the repercussions?

Nairaland is not yet tired of dishing out fake stories

Giftedhands45:
I have to join this forum to post this tonight.

I'm in my early thirties, my husband is just two years older than me. My husband has always been neglecting his responsibilities even before we got married, but I was seeing it as he doesn't have a better job and a struggling guy whom we can both join hands together to build each other. I endured everything with him. I have always supported and provided without complain.
Since last year my husband lost his job, since then, he has refused to look for any other source of income. Even when he had a job, he always have one story or the other to tell about his monthly salaries. So, he still doesn't provide.
Once, there's nothing in the house, he will keep watching because I can't watch my two children Starve. I will try everything, even call friends, families and borrow. He doesn't care how I borrowed and how I paid.


Now, he wakes up every morning and still go back to sleep. Whatever I asked him, he don't always have. He's response always is ''I don't have money ''
I am the only one sourcing out everything in this house, I don't have a job as well, just struggling up and down with a business I do.

There's no food, school fees, bill, everything, he will ignore. I can't watch my children suffer. So, I keep struggling without any help. But he eats food and uses everything in the house with us. He wouldn't provide, but he can use them once they're available.
Our house rent will soon expire and he has no plan towards That. The previous one I paid, but presently, my business is down

Lately, I've been thinking. I've never cheated since I entered this marriage, but If I keep struggling all myself like this, my children will suffer. I feel, I need someone who loves me and willing to support me as well.
My children are too used to their father, it borders me if I separate them from him.

Leaving a marriage because he's not taking responsibilities, does that make me a bad woman?

What could make a man to be very comfortable not providing for his family but wouldn't want to loss the said family?

Have you ever been in my shoes, what would you advise me?

I was exactly in your shoes 11 years ago.mine even has beating on top.i took courage and left back to my parents to start up my life again with my child.

After 3years he came back to meet my parents pleading that he is a changed person and had realized his mistakes. My instincts told me he had interior motives but out of counselling and pleading from family telling me to consider my child ,I agreed but this time I was alert. After much involvement of wanting to have another child cos I was reluctant to get pregnant deliberately, I took in again. Not long he resumed his irresponsible behaviors again and this time after I had my second child with God's help,I had to quit finally.

I have survived since then with my two kids and I am better and have my peace of mind.

You can separate for now and still give the children access to their dad( he can visit to see them) while you recover.it should give him a sense of responsibility seeing that the comfort is no longer there ,he has no choice than to hustle while you work on yourself and kids.

If he has the fear of God ,he might realise his mistakes and work towards having his family back together but if he is like my ex ,hmm my dear you are on your own.

For your sanity take care of yourself and your children. separating from him doesn't make you a bad person.

Good luck

Klass99:
Female intuition is a powerful gift and asset God has given us. Every time I ignore mine I suffer. I grasp wisdom from other people's experiences to protect myself so thanks for sharing this and for the reminder to not ignore my instincts.

I think a lot of men believe they can tie us down with pregnancies and children. As in, they feel once they've married you, you have dropped 2 or more kids and advanced in age, you are not going anywhere come rain or sunshine. I suspect your ex had that mentality too, when he kept pushing for a second child.

You are exactly on point but what he didn't know was that I was prepared the second time which he didn't see coming.

Klass99:
Lol 🤣. And the thing dey pain them ehn, when a woman walks away first and walks away for good. They want to be the ones calling the shots and walking away.

Did family (yours and his) still try to persuade or pressure to return or remain in the marriage the second time?

After he misbehaved the second time, ( the rent expired and as usual was expecting me to pay ,he changed the locks after I travelled with the kids and left us outside for hours when we came back) I went to the landlady and told her to issue us quit notice so everyone will find their way ( he had also gone to lie that I will pay). He left the house and didn't come back till the landlady called that we should come and pack our things. That was when my family got a rented apartment for me and my kids and paid for it.enough is enough.

Leave your husband and that will be a mistake you will live to regret forever. You can mark my words.

It's only your side of the story I read, but even from the second sentence, I can spot issues coming from you yourself.

Be wise.

bukatyne:


Maybe that's the type of men the women like? Or grew up to see?

Apart from the SE, I can count the tribes/regions that believe in a husband who provides any form of leadership:

I know SW and SS regions don't. Their women provide, protect and defend the home (read a lady describing how her mother checks if the main door is locked every night), leas in prayers/spirituality, lead in child training etc.

A lot of Nigerian women need training on what a husband should be like and the men trained on the duties of a husband.

Some provide money and think that's all there is to husbandhood.

Even the practice in SE of man being trained from birth to be the provider is very flawed cos parents forgot to train their boys to be helper at home.
Reality now is that men and women contribute to the upkeep of the family almost equally in South East but men will never help in house work.
Wives end up getting househelps and transfer the aggression meant for the husband to the househelp. We see countless cases here. It's just transferred aggression.
In some cases, they don't need househelp but are forced to cos its hard juggling work, family life and pregnancy etc without breaking down. And these men look the other way. Always want to be treated as Kings even when wife provides also. I mean, I come from the east and its hard seeing guys cook or do housework.
(My extended family was a bit different cos each family has only one girl and they all got married early. I was the last in the whole family and grew up among many boys and Heck, they must cook else hunger go kpai them. So yes, guys in my family cook and do housework very well and this has helped all of them in their various families. I remember 2 or 3 of my cousins friends that learned how to cook in our house. Like my cousins literally make fun of them cos they can't prepare common eba)

And the funny thing is that ladies after passing through this, will still not train their boys to be useful around the house. What a useless circle.
Wish underage househelp should be banned and 18 plus paid at least minimum wage though they are live in.
It may make them wake up.

In my immediate family, I have reduced the stuff I do around house and assigned everybody to his task. Both papa and his kids. You don't do yours, we will swim in the river together.
Not ready to settle marriage problems when I should be travelling up and down having fun.

Trizyd:
Leave your husband and that will be a mistake you will live to regret forever. You can mark my words.

It's only your side of the story I read, but even from the second sentence, I can spot issues coming from you yourself.

Be wise.

Pls, explain more. What issues did you foresee coming from me?

realtalk19:
I was exactly in your shoes 11 years ago.mine even has beating on top.i took courage and left back to my parents to start up my life again with my child.

After 3years he came back to meet my parents pleading that he is a changed person and had realized his mistakes. My instincts told me he had interior motives but out of counselling and pleading from family telling me to consider my child ,I agreed but this time I was alert. After much involvement of wanting to have another child cos I was reluctant to get pregnant deliberately, I took in again. Not long he resumed his irresponsible behaviors again and this time after I had my second child with God's help,I had to quit finally.

I have survived since then with my two kids and I am better and have my peace of mind.

You can separate for now and still give the children access to their dad( he can visit to see them) while you recover.it should give him a sense of responsibility seeing that the comfort is no longer there ,he has no choice than to hustle while you work on yourself and kids.

If he has the fear of God ,he might realise his mistakes and work towards having his family back together but if he is like my ex ,hmm my dear you are on your own.

For your sanity take care of yourself and your children. separating from him doesn't make you a bad person.

Good luck

Sad. Thanks for sharing

Giftedhands45:
I have to join this forum to post this tonight.

I'm in my early thirties, my husband is just two years older than me.

Your husband might really be what claim he is, and I don't know at what point he lost his value and worth to you, but you are introducing him to people out here and you said "He is just two years older" .... just? Or you are ignorant of how that singular word changes the context of your introduction of this man? That word shows you don't place a value on the age difference between you too and that tells a whole lot on how you see him and consequently how you act to him.

Giftedhands45:
I have to join this forum to post this tonight.

I'm in my early thirties, my husband is just two years older than me. My husband has always been neglecting his responsibilities even before we got married, but I was seeing it as he doesn't have a better job and a struggling guy whom we can both join hands together to build each other. I endured everything with him. I have always supported and provided without complain.
Since last year my husband lost his job, since then, he has refused to look for any other source of income. Even when he had a job, he always have one story or the other to tell about his monthly salaries. So, he still doesn't provide.
Once, there's nothing in the house, he will keep watching because I can't watch my two children Starve. I will try everything, even call friends, families and borrow. He doesn't care how I borrowed and how I paid.


Now, he wakes up every morning and still go back to sleep. Whatever I asked him, he don't always have. He's response always is ''I don't have money ''
I am the only one sourcing out everything in this house, I don't have a job as well, just struggling up and down with a business I do.

There's no food, school fees, bill, everything, he will ignore. I can't watch my children suffer. So, I keep struggling without any help. But he eats food and uses everything in the house with us. He wouldn't provide, but he can use them once they're available.
Our house rent will soon expire and he has no plan towards That. The previous one I paid, but presently, my business is down

Lately, I've been thinking. I've never cheated since I entered this marriage, but If I keep struggling all myself like this, my children will suffer. I feel, I need someone who loves me and willing to support me as well.
My children are too used to their father, it borders me if I separate them from him.

Leaving a marriage because he's not taking responsibilities, does that make me a bad woman?

What could make a man to be very comfortable not providing for his family but wouldn't want to loss the said family?

Have you ever been in my shoes, what would you advise me?

Is your name suffering?

My God! I can't believe that there are women that will give your body,mind and soul to a man that doesn't provide

You knew this before marriage and you went ahead to marry him? Are you physically challenged or do you have a big coma that made you settle? How did he woo you? Did he not use gifts to toast you?

My sister if you are not pregnant flee from the marriage you deserve better.

Aside providing for the house,kids,and you,you are to be placed on a monthly salary by him. You are entitled to a monthly outing and a yearly vacation. The women going on vacation to the Maldives are they with two heads?

And I am sure you are giving him sex. If you were my daughter I will sell you off. How can you allow such man mount you at night? I am angry as I read this. I am boiling.

Until your children are chased out of school or you are forced to buy second hand dress for them, you will not do the needful. What toys will they have? If a neighbor owns a toy and come flaunt it to your child,will you be happy?

If you love suffering at least pity your kids

Trizyd:
Your husband might really be what claim he is, and I don't know at what point he lost his value and worth to you, but you are introducing him to people out here and you said "He is just two years older" .... just? Or you are ignorant of how that singular word changes the context of your introduction of this man? That word shows you don't place a value on the age difference between you too and that tells a whole lot on how you see him and consequently how you act to him.

Age is not our problem here.
Not going out to source for a means of livelihood is the problem here.

Giftedhands45:
Age is not our problem here.
Not going out to source for a means of livelihood is the problem here.

Then why the big deal about it that's making you feel of leaving? You guys are having financial issues and he is not acting as a man there quite alright. As a wife you need to reorient him and give him purpose. Aren't you together to help each other in good and bad. He's in a bad spot and his will is crushed. You are to come together and find purpose. Unless there are other issues, you didn't mention him cheating or abuse you physically or he's a drunk or addict. Meeen!!! Our generation are weak now. Both male and female and none is ready to fight and be tolerant. You are telling you and your husband can't find a way to fight your financial issues?


If I keep going down the rabbit hole, I'll pull faults from both of you and who committed the worse sin doesn't matter here.

The oga above me Sha!

ahnie:
The oga above me Sha!

Period. This is a new age and everyone who wants to survive must adapt.

descarado:
Even the practice in SE of man being trained from birth to be the provider is very flawed cos parents forgot to train their boys to be helper at home.
Reality now is that men and women contribute to the upkeep of the family almost equally in South East but men will never help in house work.
Wives end up getting househelps and transfer the aggression meant for the husband to the househelp. We see countless cases here. It's just transferred aggression.
In some cases, they don't need househelp but are forced to cos its hard juggling work, family life and pregnancy etc without breaking down. And these men look the other way. Always want to be treated as Kings even when wife provides also. I mean, I come from the east and its hard seeing guys cook or do housework.
(My extended family was a bit different cos each family has only one girl and they all got married early. I was the last in the whole family and grew up among many boys and Heck, they must cook else hunger go kpai them. So yes, guys in my family cook and do housework very well and this has helped all of them in their various families. I remember 2 or 3 of my cousins friends that learned how to cook in our house. Like my cousins literally make fun of them cos they can't prepare common eba)

And the funny thing is that ladies after passing through this, will still not train their boys to be useful around the house. What a useless circle.
Wish underage househelp should be banned and 18 plus paid at least minimum wage though they are live in.
It may make them wake up.

In my immediate family, I have reduced the stuff I do around house and assigned everybody to his task. Both papa and his kids. You don't do yours, we will swim in the river together.
Not ready to settle marriage problems when I should be travelling up and down having fun.

Lemme leave my one piece for you my dear cos I believe your marriage is savable, it might require sacrifices and drastic measures.

There is nothing new under ther sun and it has happened to some women in the past and the strong ones survived and live to tell how good their decision where.

Level up yourself, dont be afraid to do some things, If I ask how ladies here "What they can do/say to get money from their beloved", they can list hundreds of pages for me I am certain, buh ask "Sure methods they have used to make their beloved earn money and give them" I'm not sure they will give me a page.

Don't be afraid to make more money that him if he is really irresponsible, you can do it. Infact for this issue to pain you this much means you have capacity, I feel your hubby will pick up once he sees that.

Seems like you’re the man in question

See subtle threats and blaming the OP

Trizyd:
Leave your husband and that will be a mistake you will live to regret forever . You can mark my words.

It's only your side of the story I read, but even from the second sentence, I can spot issues coming from you yourself.

Be wise.

Trizyd:
Lemme leave my one piece for you my dear cos I believe your marriage is savable, it might require sacrifices and drastic measures.

There is nothing new under ther sun and it has happened to some women in the past and the strong ones survived and live to tell how good their decision where.

Level up yourself, dont be afraid to do some things, If I ask how ladies here "What they can do/say to get money from their beloved", they can list hundreds of pages for me I am certain, buh ask "Sure methods they have used to make their beloved earn money and give them" I'm not sure they will give me a page.

Don't be afraid to make more money that him if he is really irresponsible, you can do it. Infact for this issue to pain you this much means you have capacity, I feel your hubby will pick up once he sees that.

Trizyd:
Then why the big deal about it that's making you feel of leaving? You guys are having financial issues and he is not acting as a man there quite alright. As a wife you need to reorient him and give him purpose. Aren't you together to help each other in good and bad. He's in a bad spot and his will is crushed. You are to come together and find purpose. Unless there are other issues, you didn't mention him cheating or abuse you physically or he's a drunk or addict. Meeen!!! Our generation are weak now. Both male and female and none is ready to fight and be tolerant. You are telling you and your husband can't find a way to fight your financial issues?


If I keep going down the rabbit hole, I'll pull faults from both of you and who committed the worse sin doesn't matter here.

Trizyd:
Your husband might really be what claim he is, and I don't know at what point he lost his value and worth to you, but you are introducing him to people out here and you said "He is just two years older" .... just? Or you are ignorant of how that singular word changes the context of your introduction of this man? That word shows you don't place a value on the age difference between you too and that tells a whole lot on how you see him and consequently how you act to him.

bukatyne:

Osun avenger

I feel like you guys do not communicate enough. I'm trying to understand the situation here: laziness, unemployment or both?

How long have you both been married? The part you mentioned something about his job needs further clarification. You focused too much attention on his pre- and post-employment days. While he was employed (for how long?) and working, what did he do with his money?? I think the answer to the question can solve 65% of your problem.

I think you both need to communicate the plan. There's a whole lot you have mentioned about him. Have you discussed these issues with him? Talk, talk, talk...

As I be man like this, I can't guarantee anyone that, if I lose my source of livelihood, I'll continue to provide. I'm not God. If you focus too much attention on results, walai, you won't see anything. But if you're open to communication, then you'll see efforts, hope, and "sweet mouth."

Oga he has bn lazy right from dating time.pls spare us this trash.

Acidosis:
I feel like you guys do not communicate enough. I'm trying to understand the situation here: laziness, unemployment or both?

How long have you both been married? The part you mentioned something about his job needs further clarification. You focused too much attention on his pre- and post-employment days. While he was employed (for how long?) and working, what did he do with his money?? I think the answer to the question can solve 65% of your problem.

I think you both need to communicate the plan. There's a whole lot you have mentioned about him. Have you discussed these issues with him? Talk, talk, talk...

As I be man like this, I can't guarantee anyone that, if I lose my source of livelihood, I'll continue to provide. I'm not God. If you focus too much attention on results, walai, you won't see anything. But if you're open to communication, then you'll see efforts, hope, and "sweet mouth."

descarado:
1. Even the practice in SE of man being trained from birth to be the provider is very flawed cos parents forgot to train their boys to be helper at home.
Reality now is that men and women contribute to the upkeep of the family almost equally in South East but men will never help in house work.

2. Wives end up getting househelps and transfer the aggression meant for the husband to the househelp. We see countless cases here. It's just transferred aggression.

3. In some cases, they don't need househelp but are forced to cos its hard juggling work, family life and pregnancy etc without breaking down. And these men look the other way.

4. Always want to be treated as Kings even when wife provides also.

5. I mean, I come from the east and its hard seeing guys cook or do housework.
(My extended family was a bit different cos each family has only one girl and they all got married early. I was the last in the whole family and grew up among many boys and Heck, they must cook else hunger go kpai them. So yes, guys in my family cook and do housework very well and this has helped all of them in their various families. I remember 2 or 3 of my cousins friends that learned how to cook in our house. Like my cousins literally make fun of them cos they can't prepare common eba)

6. And the funny thing is that ladies after passing through this, will still not train their boys to be useful around the house. What a useless circle.

7. Wish underage househelp should be banned and 18 plus paid at least minimum wage though they are live in.
It may make them wake up.

8. In my immediate family, I have reduced the stuff I do around house and assigned everybody to his task. Both papa and his kids. You don't do yours, we will swim in the river together.

9. Not ready to settle marriage problems when I should be travelling up and down having fun.

1. We use you people as example because the men dey manage provide. The other men in these cultures DO NOT provide and DO NOT do chores, DO NOT lead in the home. Take them out and their presence and absence is same.

2. I guessed as much.

3. True

4. That's why I am very insistent on a responsible husband. That wanting treatment has Kings is innate. Whether they do, they no do; they want that treatment.

5. Nice one

6. You see this ehn, will keep baffling me till the end of time. That's why I don't take most of them complaining seriously. You complain, I note how you train your sons and younger men around you. It is same, I look the other way.

7. Access to cheap help doesn't help matters. If your husband is not responsible at home, just pick a underaged child wanting to escape generational poverty and overburden.

8. 😃 😀 😄 😁 🤣 😂 😃 😀 😄 😁 truth is if you don't hold them accountable when they are not willing to pick up the slack, you will do it all alone and be overworked and bitter.

9. As in.

It is well.

Klass99:
You are so badass.....I like👍. The part where he went to lie to the landlord that you will pay the rent just off me completely 🤣.

@ Cococandy, yes o the bot has banned me four days in a roll in that section. I can't comment on our thread without chopping ban and I have an interesting story to share in line with recent discussions. The incident happened in the US sef but I love how the lady handled the situation.

Was it the one where he wanted his grandmother to come stay with them?

As for the bot, yes as soon it’s banned you once for sharing a link or a website etc. it will keep banning you. Give a few days and try again without the link

ahnie:
Oga he has bn lazy right from dating time.pls spare us this trash.

Okay. Please assist her in moving her belongings to her father's house.

Giftedhands45:
I have to join this forum to post this tonight.

I'm in my early thirties, my husband is just two years older than me. My husband has always been neglecting his responsibilities even before we got married, but I was seeing it as he doesn't have a better job and a struggling guy whom we can both join hands together to build each other. I endured everything with him. I have always supported and provided without complain.
Since last year my husband lost his job, since then, he has refused to look for any other source of income. Even when he had a job, he always have one story or the other to tell about his monthly salaries. So, he still doesn't provide.
Once, there's nothing in the house, he will keep watching because I can't watch my two children Starve. I will try everything, even call friends, families and borrow. He doesn't care how I borrowed and how I paid.


Now, he wakes up every morning and still go back to sleep. Whatever I asked him, he don't always have. He's response always is ''I don't have money ''
I am the only one sourcing out everything in this house, I don't have a job as well, just struggling up and down with a business I do.

There's no food, school fees, bill, everything, he will ignore. I can't watch my children suffer. So, I keep struggling without any help. But he eats food and uses everything in the house with us. He wouldn't provide, but he can use them once they're available.
Our house rent will soon expire and he has no plan towards That. The previous one I paid, but presently, my business is down

Lately, I've been thinking. I've never cheated since I entered this marriage, but If I keep struggling all myself like this, my children will suffer. I feel, I need someone who loves me and willing to support me as well.
My children are too used to their father, it borders me if I separate them from him.

Leaving a marriage because he's not taking responsibilities, does that make me a bad woman?

What could make a man to be very comfortable not providing for his family but wouldn't want to loss the said family?

Have you ever been in my shoes, what would you advise me?

Better leave, any man that can't provide for his family esp if he has both hands and legs functional is a VEGETABLE