₦airaland Forum

Previous thread
https://www.nairaland.com/8220683/bandits-threaten-kidnap-tinubu

● "Kidnap me instead," Olawale Oluwamind begs bandits.

● "Don't let obidients gaslight you," Bwala O'Mockery tells bandits.

ABUJA - After bandits appealed for support to kidnap Tinubu and free Nigerians from their ongoing hardships, many citizens took to social media to strongly warn these bandits not to even think about it.

This week, a group of bandits launched a daring campaign asking Nigerians for support in their mission to kidnap President Tinubu and end “Operation Sapa.” They even sweetened the deal by offering giveaways of agbado and free data bundles as a way of “giving back” to the suffering populace.

While some Nigerians saw hope in the campaign, many raised their voices in protest, urging the bandits not to dare touch Tinubu. Leading the charge was Olawale Oluwamind, a Lagos-based professional queue-stander, who took to Instagram Live with a passionate plea.

“Egbami o! Where were you, bandits, when PDP was giving us ‘wealth of body?’” Oluwamind exclaimed, tugging at his now baggy native attire that could fit two of him inside. “Eh? Where? Back then, I looked like a mini trailer! I couldn’t even enter public transport without occupying two seats. I tried all sorts—Intermittent Fasting, Keto, slimming tea, even that cabbage soup nonsense. But no matter what, I couldn’t lose a single kilo.”

Oluwamind paused to wipe a tear from his eye, clearly moved by his own story of 'weight-loss' struggle. “Then Tinubu came into power, and before I could say ‘agbado,’ I dropped 30kg in three months. No more gym membership, no more struggling. You see this new physique? Courtesy of Tinubu. And now you want to kidnap him? Abeg, bandits, if you ruin this man’s regime, I’ll have to go back to the treadmill. Do you think I can handle that emotional trauma again? Kidnap me instead!”

Meanwhile, the bandits attempted to calm the rising tensions. “We understand the unintended side benefits of this administration,” said their spokesperson, Kabiru Turji. “But we’re thinking of the long game. It’s not just about weight loss; it’s about our children’s future—whether they grow up skinny, fat, or forever stuck in fuel queues. We need a future where we can afford food, fuel, and freedom."

As Nigerians continued to debate between maintaining their new Tinubu-slimmed bodies or risking it all for the bandits’ promised “rescue,” one thing was clear: whether in the fuel queue or back in the gym, Olawale Oluwamind was ready to sacrifice for the nation—just as long as his newfound indomie figure stayed intact!

“Tinubu, mo ni mo dupe! If not for you, I’d still be carrying pounded yam on my waist!” Oluwamind said, graciously accepting his title as Nigeria’s unofficial weight loss ambassador.

In another development, blogger Bwala O'Mockery expressed shock and disappointment over the viral video.

“Dear bandits,” he began, “I had to double-check to make sure your TikTok account wasn’t hijacked by some mischievous obidients. Imagine my shock when I realized it was really you! It’s downright embarrassing that you let them gaslight you into believing President Tinubu has failed.”

“Let’s address a few things, shall we? First off, claiming that Tinubu has failed in security? Please! The fact that you’ve got a booming business in the forest—without even a lion bothering you—is proof enough that Tinubu has mastered the art of security! I mean, have any of you even been attacked by hyenas lately? No? Exactly!”

“And about that 150 billion naira jet you’re whining about—come on! Investing in that plane is like buying a life jacket before a swimming lesson! When World War III breaks out, who’s going to be saving Nigerians and flying them to Mars? That jet! You all are thinking short-term; Tinubu is playing chess while you’re stuck on checkers!”

“Now, I hear you saying Nigerians are suffering, and you want to rescue us? How noble! But you do realize that your grand idea involves kidnapping the very man who’s helped us lose weight faster than any fad diet, right? If you think we’re going to let you touch him, you must have mistaken our love for a hate crime! You bandits could run for office, you know—stop acting like spoiled babies on TikTok and show us what you’ve got!”

In the end, the message was crystal clear: bandits need to think twice before laying a finger on the President. We live in a country where folks are ready to stand in line for hours just to catch a glimpse of the man who’s magically transformed their waistlines! Kidnapping Tinubu would be like stealing the last piece of jollof rice at a family gathering—it’s the ultimate betrayal, one that even the bandits’ most die-hard fans would struggle to defend!

“Let’s address a few things, shall we? First off, claiming that Tinubu has failed in security? Please! The fact that you’ve got a booming business in the forest—without even a lion bothering you—is proof enough that Tinubu has mastered the art of security! I mean, have any of you even been attacked by hyenas lately? No? Exactly!” - Bwala O'Mockery

Reminds me of that popular guy always trolling Peter Obi 🤣

. English is not really hard sha
We had Goodluck Jonathan... administration
We had Buhari... government
Now we have Tinubu..REgime

E be like say we go need to deploy some special forces to the forest.

trutharena:
E be like say we go need to deploy some special forces to the forest.

This lamba bot on the beat again

Who will bell the cat?

Even your forefathers cannot try it

EarlierDawn:
Reminds me of that popular guy always trolling Peter Obi 🤣

Dawn carry Obi for head like gala

Oluwamind dun finish Tinubu 😂

Tinubu is finished

The bandits should go and face their evil activities instead of looking for unnecessary trouble

Bobloco:
Tinubu is finished

You mean T-Pain?

OP, nice satire. You exposed that O'mockery well well

etrouble:
Who will bell the cat?

Even your forefathers cannot try it

Shadomaan7:
The bandits should go and face their evil activities instead of looking for unnecessary trouble

trutharena:
E be like say we go need to deploy some special forces to the forest.

All these Tinubu bots 👀

NLCreator:
Previous thread
https://www.nairaland.com/8220683/bandits-threaten-kidnap-tinubu

● "Kidnap me instead," Olawale Oluwamind begs bandits.

● "Don't let obidients gaslight you," Bwala O'Mockery tells bandits.

ABUJA - After bandits appealed for support to kidnap Tinubu and free Nigerians from their ongoing hardships, many citizens took to social media to strongly warn these bandits not to even think about it.

This week, a group of bandits launched a daring campaign asking Nigerians for support in their mission to kidnap President Tinubu and end “Operation Sapa.” They even sweetened the deal by offering giveaways of agbado and free data bundles as a way of “giving back” to the suffering populace.

While some Nigerians saw hope in the campaign, many raised their voices in protest, urging the bandits not to dare touch Tinubu. Leading the charge was Olawale Oluwamind, a Lagos-based professional queue-stander, who took to Instagram Live with a passionate plea.

“Egbami o! Where were you, bandits, when PDP was giving us ‘wealth of body?’” Oluwamind exclaimed, tugging at his now baggy native attire that could fit two of him inside. “Eh? Where? Back then, I looked like a mini trailer! I couldn’t even enter public transport without occupying two seats. I tried all sorts—Intermittent Fasting, Keto, slimming tea, even that cabbage soup nonsense. But no matter what, I couldn’t lose a single kilo.”

Oluwamind paused to wipe a tear from his eye, clearly moved by his own story of 'weight-loss' struggle. “Then Tinubu came into power, and before I could say ‘agbado,’ I dropped 30kg in three months. No more gym membership, no more struggling. You see this new physique? Courtesy of Tinubu. And now you want to kidnap him? Abeg, bandits, if you ruin this man’s regime, I’ll have to go back to the treadmill. Do you think I can handle that emotional trauma again? Kidnap me instead!”

Meanwhile, the bandits attempted to calm the rising tensions. “We understand the unintended side benefits of this administration,” said their spokesperson, Kabiru Turji. “But we’re thinking of the long game. It’s not just about weight loss; it’s about our children’s future—whether they grow up skinny, fat, or forever stuck in fuel queues. We need a future where we can afford food, fuel, and freedom."

As Nigerians continued to debate between maintaining their new Tinubu-slimmed bodies or risking it all for the bandits’ promised “rescue,” one thing was clear: whether in the fuel queue or back in the gym, Olawale Oluwamind was ready to sacrifice for the nation—just as long as his newfound indomie figure stayed intact!

“Tinubu, mo ni mo dupe! If not for you, I’d still be carrying pounded yam on my waist!” Oluwamind said, graciously accepting his title as Nigeria’s unofficial weight loss ambassador.

In another development, blogger Bwala O'Mockery expressed shock and disappointment over the viral video.

“Dear bandits,” he began, “I had to double-check to make sure your TikTok account wasn’t hijacked by some mischievous obidients. Imagine my shock when I realized it was really you! It’s downright embarrassing that you let them gaslight you into believing President Tinubu has failed.”

“Let’s address a few things, shall we? First off, claiming that Tinubu has failed in security? Please! The fact that you’ve got a booming business in the forest—without even a lion bothering you—is proof enough that Tinubu has mastered the art of security! I mean, have any of you even been attacked by hyenas lately? No? Exactly!”

“And about that 150 billion naira jet you’re whining about—come on! Investing in that plane is like buying a life jacket before a swimming lesson! When World War III breaks out, who’s going to be saving Nigerians and flying them to Mars? That jet! You all are thinking short-term; Tinubu is playing chess while you’re stuck on checkers!”

“Now, I hear you saying Nigerians are suffering, and you want to rescue us? How noble! But you do realize that your grand idea involves kidnapping the very man who’s helped us lose weight faster than any fad diet, right? If you think we’re going to let you touch him, you must have mistaken our love for a hate crime! You bandits could run for office, you know—stop acting like spoiled babies on TikTok and show us what you’ve got!”

In the end, the message was crystal clear: bandits need to think twice before laying a finger on the President. We live in a country where folks are ready to stand in line for hours just to catch a glimpse of the man who’s magically transformed their waistlines! Kidnapping Tinubu would be like stealing the last piece of jollof rice at a family gathering—it’s the ultimate betrayal, one that even the bandits’ most die-hard fans would struggle to defend!

You do read the Babylon Bee. It's obvious. This is nice anyway. Even though I'm a strong Tinubu supporter (Anyone should quote me, anytime). But tolerance is golden and distinguishes me from those halfbaked illiterates.

Doylestown92:
You do read the Babylon Bee. It's obvious. This is nice anyway. Even though I'm a strong Tinubu supporter (Anyone should quote me, anytime). But tolerance is golden and distinguishes me from those halfbaked illiterates.

That's how it should be. Standing for the truth irrespective of party lines

0jgti7gko08yhfe:
You mean T-Pain?

OP, nice satire. You exposed that O'mockery well well

See T-Pain

The bandits should just forget about their evil mission. We go send them to early grave

0jgti7gko08yhfe:
All these Tinubu bots 👀

Whose bot are you? Bitter Obituary or Atikulation Abubakar?

Weeping and Crying are Constitutional Rights, we would not withdraw those Rights from you, so feel free to weep and cry endlessly m.

Somebody should check on Davido, it’s been days since he tweeted last

etrouble:
Whose bot are you? Bitter Obituary or Atikulation Abubakar?

Weeping and Crying are Constitutional Rights, we would not withdraw those Rights from you, so feel free to weep and cry endlessly m.

Somebody should check on Davido, it’s been days since he tweeted last

Stop barking like a 🐕. Even seun the owner of this forum has admitted that there are Tinubu bots on his forum before. So stop talking trash

God bless Nigeria for ever!