₦airaland Forum

Good evening Nairalanders, few months ago I posted here regarding how my wife forced me into marriage that I wasn't in anyway ready for because she got pregnant. I posted about the regret I'm still battling until date, because the love isn't there from my own end and I'm also not in anyway attracted to her physically. I have told her severally that I want to option out of the marriage and not doing again but until date she has refused to let me go.

Back to the main point, my wife lost her dad this morning. Her deceased dad has two wife's and several concubines that gave birth to lots of children, my wife doesn't know some of her half brothers and sisters.

So I went to their family house this morning to console them. The eldest son of the family (her half brother) told me and another in law that we'd be the one to pay for mortuary expenses and casket, and when the burial is getting closer they'd give us a list of things to buy and we'd both bring one goats each.

To be brutally honest I wasn't mad because of this latest expense, I got furious immediately and right on the spot because of the pressure my wife pressured me into getting married to her, by now I'd have been totally free of these unnecessary expenses. More than 19 of her sisters, both biological and half sisters that has given birth, no single expense was listed for their man that they got pregnant for and has a child for. But I and the other in law that paid dowry are the one going through these unnecessary expenses.

So immediately he told me about everything, I charged at my wife right on the spot, right in front of her mom, her brothers, her sisters and some of her friends that came for condolence visit. I got so furious and started shouting at the top of my voice, I reminded her how she forced me into marriage that I'm not in anyway prepared and ready for, both physically, psychologically, emotionally, financially. (I have been reminding her regarding this almost on a daily basis and whenever we are quarreling.

I reminded her how she threatened me with suicide and our of fear of the unknown I wasted almost 4m in getting married to her. I told her that I'd have been free of these expenses if not for her pressure.

Immediately she burst into tears, and started crying endlessly.

Her mom and sisters started yelling at me and I yelled back at all of them. They told me I met her a Virgin and now she's no longer good for me (truly, the whole family thought that I was the one that took her virginity) My wife and I agreed to keep it a secret, but the constant remainder from her mom and sisters made me let the cat out of the bag, I told them that I didn't met her a Virgin that she has already started having sex when I met her, they didn't believe me but with my tone, I know they'd.

I also made mentioned that I'm not buying any goat or paying for mortuary or taking any list from them. That it's their dad and they should take care of every responsibilities, after all he has uncountable children, why putting some of the expense on me? I walked away, and switched off my phone until now that I'm just putting it on.

I know that I acted wrongly and allowed my anger to get the best part of me. But I was furious because no single bill went to her sister's baby father's, absolutely nothing was listed for them. I got furious because these expenses won't be on me right now if not for her pressuring me into marriage that I want ready for. I was furious because I and the other in law that they billed became the scape goat by doing the right thing by getting married and not leaving theirs daughter In ruins, where as those that got their daughter pregnant without getting married to them were totally free from these unnecessary bills. I'm in so much pains and regret right now.

Kudos to you boss, you're indeed a man. You did great 👍👍👍

The only thing you did wrong was to shout on your wife and blame her for forcing the marriage on you.

You have every right to refuse the bill, shout at them or even laugh at them for billing you to bury their dead, but you should have left your wife out of it. After all, you are still married to her.

I know someone with similar experience, he was in fact the one who marshalled all the dead man's children and arranged the burial.

Guy wat is wrong with U? Why are U talking like a child, U don't like the girl but Ur dick like her pussy to the extent U got her pregnant, and U are here saying that she force u into the marriage, u dey here urself? The truth is that wat the family counted for U is the right thing to do as in-law , just try and do the needful is Ur in-law.

You should have respected her a bit, the outbursts are not needed in this critical time that her dad is dead. She needs you for comfort and peace , you can tell the family the extent you can assist financially without degrading her worth before her people.

You did wrong. Despite you don't love her , she's a human with feelings. I can't imagine being reminded how I'm not needed constantly by my husband, she's going through a lot.

Be kind or rather seek a divorce if you can't stand the marriage anymore.

You're not attracted to her physically but u burst nuts inside her ...That aside, u nor handle the situation maturedly

bigfoot79:
The only thing you did wrong was to shout on your wife and blame her for forcing the marriage on you.

You have every right to refuse the bill, shout at them or even laugh at them for billing you to bury their dead, but you should have left your wife out of it. After all, you are still married to her.

I know someone with similar experience, he was in fact the one who marshalled all the dead man's children and arranged the burial.

As I'm talking to you right now, they are saying all manners of words, that I disrespected them and the they won't pity me with the list they'd give me.

That aside, to be brutally honest with you, I didn't mean to disrespect them, I have tried all manner of ways to walk out of this marriage but I don't see that happening. Maybe this will be the deal breaker, I won't do any of what they mentioned, absolutely none. I believe it'd make them hate me and by God's grace I pray and I'm praying hard for them to talk about returning my bride price to me.

kevwemike:
Guy wat is wrong with U? Why are U talking like a child, U don't like the girl but Ur dick like her pussy to the extent U got her pregnant, and U are here saying that she force u into the marriage, u dey here urself? The truth is that wat the family counted for U is the right thing to do as in-law , just try and do the needful is Ur in-law.

And millions of guys that got women pregnant and left them as baby mama's?? What would you say about them? I'm I the first to get a woman I'm not in anyway attracted to pregnant??

It is only Africans that will audaciously bill their in-laws and think it is their right. Although her brother is entitled and highly irresponsible, I think you over reacted.

I feel screaming at her mom was very disrespectful and uncalled for. Next time, try to work on your emotions. Emotional intelligence is a survival skill.

Ginaz:
You should have respected her a bit, the outbursts are not needed in this critical time that her dad is dead. She needs you for comfort and peace , you can tell the family the extent you can assist financially without degrading her worth before her people.

You did wrong. Despite you don't love her , she's a human with feelings. I can't imagine being reminded how I'm not needed constantly by my husband, she's going through a lot.

Be kind or rather seek a divorce if you can't stand the marriage anymore.

She hasn't seen her dad for more than 10 years and counting, he was In another state, the day of our traditional marriage (February) was when she and her biological sisters saw him last. He was seriously sick, since February until he gave up the ghost today. He was in town ever since they brought him to collect the bride price, seriously sick. Since February until date my wife and her sisters none went to see him, not even once, they claimed he abandoned them when they were young, that whenever they went to visit him he'd lock the protector and talk to them inside while they're standing outside. I repeat since February until date they haven't set their eyes on him despite the fact that he was seriously sick and in same town with them.

That aside whenever my wife is disturbing me and I reminded her that I'm a loner and loves being alone, she'd get furious and always tell me that I'd die a very slow, lonely and painful death. This words still ring a bell on my head, and thinking about how they totally abandoned and hates their dad because their mother hates him is another thing that'd make me take her threat seriously.

We4all:
It is only Africans that will audaciously bill their in-laws and think it is their right. Although her brother is entitled and highly irresponsible, I think you over reacted.

I feel screaming at her mom was very disrespectful and uncalled for. Next time, try to work on your emotions. Emotional intelligence is a survival skill.

I will do better next time, I expected her mom to caution their elder brother when he was billing me, but she did nothing and was completely silent, this allowed my emotions and anger to get the better part of me, nevertheless I will try to do better next time. Tank's

Iceking1:
Kudos to you boss, you're indeed a man. You did great 👍👍👍

But he over reacted nah
He should have calmly told the brother inlaw that it's not acceptable for any particular amount to be levied on him as an inlaw, but he would give whatever he could raise willingly to them as a gift.
The family can levy their daughter, but not the husband.
The husbands can only assist with whatever they can offer or help their wives fulfil the levies shared to them.

BlindAngel:
I will do better next time, I expected her mom to caution their elder brother when he was billing me, but she did nothing and was completely silent, this allowed my emotions and anger to get the better part of me, nevertheless I will try to do better next time. Tank's

Don't stay silent O!
If you do, they will intimidate and swallow you up.
Speak up when necessary, otherwise, they'd take you for a fool.

kevwemike:
Guy wat is wrong with U? Why are U talking like a child, U don't like the girl but Ur dick like her pussy to the extent U got her pregnant, and U are here saying that she force u into the marriage, u dey here urself? The truth is that wat the family counted for U is the right thing to do as in-law , just try and do the needful is Ur in-law.

Burial donations are not forced on inlaws.
Inlaws can donate voluntarily
The family only has the right to force it on their daughters and not on the inlaws

BlindAngel:
As I'm talking to you right now, they are saying all manners of words, that I disrespected them and the they won't pity me with the list they'd give me.

That aside, to be brutally honest with you, I didn't mean to disrespect them, I have tried all manner of ways to walk out of this marriage but I don't see that happening. Maybe this will be the deal breaker, I won't do any of what they mentioned, absolutely none. I believe it'd make them hate me and by God's grace I pray and I'm praying hard for them to talk about returning my bride price to me.

Your approach was wrong, but don't allow them force anything on you.
It's thèir responsibility to bury their father; you as an inlaw can voluntarily donate any amount you have or assist your wife complete whatever amount they shared to her.
You're not under any compulsion to contribute to the burial.
Just try and give them something can afford willingly

BlindAngel:
And millions of guys that got women pregnant and left them as baby mama's?? What would you say about them? I'm I the first to get a woman I'm not in anyway attracted to pregnant??

We're living in perilous times brody. For the next one week, be eating outside. Also avoid peppersoup for the next one month. You'll be fine

Bros, which tribe? Make we warn our pikin dem make dem no go chook trap!

Well you humiliated your wife and I doubt if she will ever forgive you and will not actively seek to destroy you.

In this life, no make unnecessary enemies for your self.

You could have calmly refused and told them that it is not your duty to bury their father and tell them you will give whatever you have and that is where it will begin and end and calmly walked out.

A man must learn to manage his words especially when angry. Na that ability to restrain yourself from acting on first impulse na him make man to be man.

Who wears the shoes knows where it pinches

But why investing 4M to marry someone you don't love?

Well you humiliated your wife and I doubt if she will ever forgive you and will nit actively seek to destroy you.

In this life no make unnecessary enemies for your self. Although sby woman that tells you you will die a slow and painful death is not worth it.


You could have calmly refused and told them that it is not your duty to bury their father and tell them you will give whatever you have and that is where it will begin and end and calmly walked out.

A man must learn to manage his words especially when angry. Na thatbrestraint na him be man.

Dtruthspeaker:
Bros, which tribe? Make we warn our pikin dem make dem no go chook trap!

Trouble is that you?

Free2Fly:
But he over reacted nah
He should have calmly told the brother inlaw that it's not acceptable for any particular amount to be levied on him as an inlaw, but he would give whatever he could raise willingly to them as a gift.
The family can levy their daughter, but not the husband.
The husbands can only assist with whatever they can offer or help their wives fulfil the levies shared to them.

Exactly, you hit the nail right on the head. This is exactly what a friend told me when I explained the whole scenario that transpired this morning. Just exactly what he said.

Mariangeles:
Don't stay silent O!
If you do, they will intimidate and swallow you up.
Speak up when necessary, otherwise, they'd take you for a fool.

This is so true, I'm an introvert. A quiet and shy guy, they never expected my behavior and reaction this morning. Now they're saying all sorts of negativity against my tribe that that's how we behave bla bla bla, but I nor send them.

BlindAngel:
I was furious because I and the other in law that they billed became the scape goat by doing the right thing by getting married and not leaving theirs daughter In ruins, where as those that got their daughter pregnant without getting married to them were totally free from these unnecessary bills. I'm in so much pains and regret right now.

My question is if you and the other in-law are to pay for the mortuary expenses and the buying of the casket, what will all the man's uncountable children do!

Free2Fly:
Burial donations are not forced on inlaws.
Inlaws can donate voluntarily
The family only has the right to force it on their daughters and not on the inlaws

Exactly what a friend told me this morning.

But they're claiming that it's their culture and traditions and that's how it is. I really wish to know if not donating or giving a dime would affect me spiritually, that's my only fear right now since they said it's their tradition.

Free2Fly:
Your approach was wrong, but don't allow them force anything on you.
It's thèir responsibility to bury their father; you as an inlaw can voluntarily donate any amount you have or assist your wife complete whatever amount they shared to her.
You're not under any compulsion to contribute to the burial.
Just try and give them something can afford willingly

What about the list and goat they're talking about? Is it compulsory for me to buy whatever they wrote on the list?

ZaRuleOfLaw:
We're living in perilous times brody. For the next one week, be eating outside. Also avoid peppersoup for the next one month. You'll be fine

Lol, you're right sha... Anything can happen, woman can't be trusted, they act on emotions. Although I don't believe that my wife would ever do such (not in this world or in the next) but even at that I still stand on my words that anything can happen no human should be trusted completely, not even myself.

Dtruthspeaker:
Bros, which tribe? Make we warn our pikin dem make dem no go chook trap!

Ilaje, from Ondo state.

otipoju:
Well you humiliated your wife and I doubt if she will ever forgive you and will nit actively seek to destroy you.

In this life no make unnecessary enemies for your self.


You could have calmly refused and told them that it is not your duty to bury their father and tell them you will give whatever you have and that is where it will begin and end and calmly walked out.

A man must learn to manage his words especially when angry. Na thatbrestraint na him be man.

I understand your points, but me doing the right thing by getting married to their daughter and removing shame from her eye's now seems like a crime. The one's that got their daughter pregnant and didn't do anything on their head, not even an introduction are on the safer side right now. No single expense was calculated for them, I have always regretted this marriage right from the very first day, but this recent development just made me regret it 10x more than I already did.

If you know what is good for you just go and apologize to your wife, mother-inlaw and the entire family.

If you know you cannot do their culture, why marry their daughter?

While you were sleeping with their daughter without protection, pouring your seed in her body what result are you expecting?

After that, did they put a gun on your head to pay and bride price and marry her?

I will suggest you don't make unnecessary enemies, just try and calm down and see what you could do.... Life na gently no be everything be gra gra my brother.

tommy589:

Who wears the shoes knows where it pinches

But why investing 4M to marry someone you don't love?

Money dey my hand that time, after everything I was left with 130k. And on the morning of the marriage I went and hurried to get extra drinks, because they drank lots of drinks I bought for reception on the day of the traditional marriage. Back to the fact, I was left work just 9k after buying the drinks. If u see frustration and regret after the marriage?? Thank God say I later bounced back.

What exactly is holding you down from leaving the marriage? Is it the child? Is it what people will say or what exactly? Why are you living in sorrow, sadness and regret everyday. You know what to do to be free it's up to you bro.