₦airaland Forum

amazinghands:
I relocated to the United States about eight years ago. My relationship with my dad has been strained and continues to deteriorate.

Background:
I grew up in a lower-middle-class family with both my mom and dad working hard. Everything changed when my dad started earning significant money. His newfound wealth led to a lifestyle filled with parties, women, and alcohol (to be fair, he earned his money, so he had the right to spend it as he pleased). He built a hotel and was barely home afterward.

2010:
While I was in college, I wanted to leave Nigeria due to the incessant ASUU strikes. I told my dad I wanted to study abroad. Initially, he agreed and gave me the funds to start the process. I was admitted to a school in Ukraine and secured a visa, but he later said he couldn’t afford to send me abroad. This decision felt contradictory, as his lifestyle said otherwise. (To be fair, it’s his money, and he has the right to decide how to spend it.)

2016:
I got admitted to a master’s program in the U.S. and approached my dad for help again. He told me to "cut my coat according to my size" and said he couldn’t sell any of his properties for the sake of a child studying abroad. (Again, to be fair, he was right—he had already paid for my college tuition in Nigeria.) Around the same time, he married another wife.

On the other hand, my mom sold her only piece of land and some jewelry to give me half of my first semester's tuition. After involving family members, my dad reluctantly gave me ₦400,000, stating that was all he could afford. I thanked him for the support.

Fast Forward to Today:
I struggled and worked odd jobs to make ends meet, determined never to ask him for help again. Over time, I’ve become financially stable, secured a good job, and am now a permanent resident. I give my dad a monthly allowance and occasionally send more during festive seasons. My mom, on the other hand, gets spoiled with gifts, extra money, and I’ve even invited her to visit and spend time with me in the U.S.

Now, my dad is broke and has suggested I buy him a car and increase what I do for him, despite the fact that my parents are separated and he currently lives with his second wife. I’ve told myself I won’t go above and beyond for him, especially since he chose to prioritize his lifestyle and the new wife (who came with a stepson). I find it hard to reconcile his past decisions with his current expectations.

Am I in the wrong here?

dawnomike:
Hmmm... I understand how you feel brother. Many if us had such relationship with our fathers.

But pls, God has blessed you already and will continue to do that... Forgive the past and give him what he wants if you have the means.

I am happy your mum is alive to enjoy the fruit of her labour on you... That's all that matters!

Lamasta:
The father did not offend him, what if the man was actually been honest to him that that's what he could afford at that instance.....

I don't know why fathers are always at the receiving end of ungrateful children they suffer to train to adulthood

Maeve7:
Did you miss the part where he could afford to marry a second wife or you chose to ignore it?

Lamasta:
So does that stop him from supporting his son's academics also? He did what he could afford and he was telling his son about it what is wrong there

Maeve7:
He told his son he had no money to support him but had money to marry a second wife. And you see nothing wrong with it?

Lamasta:
Where in the comment did the poster said the father never supported him? Rather he gave what he could afford and told him to cut his coat according to his size.......

Klass99:
I find it interesting that most of the commenters above me are men with similar daddy issues. As in, sons and fathers not getting along well, sons treating their mothers better and not wanting to help their fathers.

The same men will open their mouths waaa tomorrow to say marriage does not benefit men, men get neglected in old age, only women/mothers are looked after and only they get to travel, blah, blah, blah.

Meanwhile sons are the ones neglecting fathers and actively participating in this narrative they push out about men being neglected and marriage not benefiting men. Men doing men!

They talk from both sides of their mouths or should I say all sides of their mouths, never taking a stance and always being all over the place. Today it is ABC, tomorrow it is XYZ, next tomorrow it is KLM and they say they are logical.

Maeve7:
Did I say he never supported him? He supported him but refused to support him when his son had the opportunity to move abroad because his new wife was more important to him. His mother, on the other hand, sold what she had because her son was more important than anything else. See the difference.

Accordingly, the son still supports his father. And like his father, he also has the right to say no when he wants.

I would rather cut off my own hand than give my father a car so that he can drive around his new wife. His wife is my mother, anyone else is not welcome into the family. If they happen to have children, I won’t even meet them.

You reap what you sow.

Lamasta:
This is where you and the OP judgment is from, so all the sacrifice that man has been doing on the OP head is null and void and decleared unsupportive but this one captured once is the real and ultimate support

I rest my case at this point

Klass99:
I find it interesting that most of the commenters above me are men with similar daddy issues. As in, sons and fathers not getting along well, sons treating their mothers better and not wanting to help their fathers.

amazinghands:
I appreciate everyone’s comments and suggestions. Just to provide more context: I have only one sibling, and I am of the opinion that he should be able to do more, given how flamboyant he has been with his spending. The main reason I believe he asked for the car is that my mum recently celebrated a lavish birthday (and he likely suspects I was the one who funded it).

When he asked me for the car, I arranged a meeting with him and my brother to discuss his finances (specifically how he manages and collects rent from his properties). Based on what I knew about his financial situation before I left Nigeria, I honestly don’t believe he’s in a bad position. However, he couldn’t give me a clear answer during the conversation and ended up breaking down in tears.

The real issue is that I can only afford to buy one car, and that will undoubtedly go to my mum. I am aware that this decision will likely further strain our relationship.

amazinghands:
I appreciate everyone’s comments and suggestions. Just to provide more context: I have only one sibling, and I am of the opinion that he should be able to do more, given how flamboyant he has been with his spending.

Beremx:
c You can't buy car for your father and another woman will be enjoying it. God forbid!! If your father needs a car desperately, he should sell his properties to buy one.
Nonsense

Background:
I grew up in a lower-middle-class family with both my mom and dad working hard. Everything changed when my dad started earning significant money. His newfound wealth led to a lifestyle filled with parties, women, and alcohol (to be fair, he earned his money, so he had the right to spend it as he pleased). He built a hotel and was barely home afterward.

Klass99:
I find it interesting that most of the commenters above me are men with similar daddy issues. As in, sons and fathers not getting along well, sons treating their mothers better and not wanting to help their fathers.

The same men will open their mouths waaa tomorrow to say marriage does not benefit men, men get neglected in old age, only women/mothers are looked after and only they get to travel, blah, blah, blah.

Meanwhile sons are the ones neglecting fathers and actively participating in this narrative they push out about men being neglected and marriage not benefiting men. Men doing men!

They talk from both sides of their mouths or should I say all sides of their mouths, never taking a stance and always being all over the place. Today it is ABC, tomorrow it is XYZ, next tomorrow it is KLM and they say they are logical.

oweniwe:
amazinghands

Don't listen to this. No one knows tomorrow.

You could in your father's shoes later.. you got married and for reasons beyond your control, divorced and remarried.

Now the children you sent to school are saying they will only buy car for their mother.

So far your father's wife is taking care of him well appreciate her little ways. When your father pass on, you don't have any biz with her again. Abi do you wish for your father to be suffering and die because he's with another woman other than your mother?

Appreciate your father when he is still alive. Many of his mates are already dying

Beremx:
so for reasons beyond his control he should marry another woman? So his father married a second wife for what reason exactly? Because he hàd too much money and didn't remember he had to invest in his kids?

Una dey ment

Klass99:
God bless you. I forgot to add that part to my post, it is a significant part of their narrative. The part where they blame women for being the reason men are neglected in old age and marriage not benefiting men........

oweniwe:
So you never date and break up before?

Whether dating or marriage, it's same thing. Irreconcilable difference can come in any one.

To make money, one may have to sacrifice something.. not being part of children upbringing, marriage, are some tough part of it

Klass99:
Will it kill you to grant his request for a car or go above and beyond this once, then never bother with going above and beyond, again? I'm thinking we all make mistakes, we do wrong things, we fall, we get up, we learn, we grow, and we thank God for giving us another chance. None of us is perfect.

You're looking at two instances when popsie didn't come through for you (Ukraine and the US) what about the times he was there? The earlier years of your life you may not recall, like, late nights at the hospital because you were sick, going into debt to pay your fees so you won't be sent away from school, lying, stealing or cheating so he could put food on the table for you to eat, etcetera.

Don't stay focused on the occasions when he didn't come through. Even God who created us and loves us more than our parents, doesn't give us everything we want.

I say all of this as someone who has learnt and is still learning the value of letting things go for the sake of inner joy and peace as well as harmonious relationships with others. My soul feels lighter and happier when I don't hold on to grudges.

They say the best revenge is to succeed and do well. You've done that, so let go of the bitterness, and grudges. Be kind and nice to the man, he won't live forever, none of us will and we take nothing out of this world.

Modified to add: Your father did not significantly harm you in any way. That he refused to send you to obodo, should not cancel all of the good things he did or got right.

amazinghands:
I appreciate everyone’s comments and suggestions. Just to provide more context: I have only one sibling, and I am of the opinion that he should be able to do more, given how flamboyant he has been with his spending. The main reason I believe he asked for the car is that my mum recently celebrated a lavish birthday (and he likely suspects I was the one who funded it).

When he asked me for the car, I arranged a meeting with him and my brother to discuss his finances (specifically how he manages and collects rent from his properties). Based on what I knew about his financial situation before I left Nigeria, I honestly don’t believe he’s in a bad position. However, he couldn’t give me a clear answer during the conversation and ended up breaking down in tears.

The real issue is that I can only afford to buy one car, and that will undoubtedly go to my mum. I am aware that this decision will likely further strain our relationship.

Ishilove:
You spoke my mind.

Did he feed him? Yes
Clothe him? Yes

Gave him the basics and foundation in life? Yes

Was he neglectful? No

Unless there are other unspoken aspects of their relationship, I don't see why he shouldn't get his father a car and just move on with life. Do you expect the elderly man to be struggling with vehicle problems a this stage of his life? He is being resentful because the dad did not support his ambitions to study abroad, and thanks to the OPs determination, he followed his dreams against all odds and today is a better and stronger person.

The fact that the OP is conflicted about his decision shows there is a still small voice whispering in his heart that the step he is taking is not the right one.

GloriousGbola:
by the same argument - all he should do is provide the basics. a car is way above the basics

the issue the guy is raising is when the dad was making money and hammering - the children were not a priority. dad is spending money on side chick but telling son no money for birthday. dad is buying new whip and telling pikin to manage old shoes. ironically if the dad had always been struggling, it would likely be the same outcome - the poster would be successful, but he would have no resentment towards him. times were good but sorry son - this dough is for me and chiquita. when you are a man you will understand.

the dad decided that he would do the bare minimum when he had the means to do so much more. the message was clear - busting a nut in some hoochie sidechick was more important to the dad in his prime that a happy child. children are not stupid and they can tell how important they are to you.

my children know that they are my priority and the little rascals even take me for granted because of that . that is one of the most important things you can do for your children - and it is your actions that will show this. if money suddenly comes in and daddy disappears on a binge with a prostitute - i8t says clearly what daddy's priorities are.

the op has progressed not because of his dad, but in spite of his dad.

this is my opinion