₦airaland Forum

Ishilove:
Educating your child to the university level is not doing the 'bare minimum'. He did what he was supposed to do as a parent, and that suffices. The father had a lifestyle to maintain and going abroad to study was not in his budget. Did he neglect the OP at any point in time in his lifetime/ Did he fulfill his financial obligation as a father?

YES.

I grew up in a lower-middle-class family with both my mom and dad working hard. Everything changed when my dad started earning significant money. His newfound wealth led to a lifestyle filled with parties, women, and alcohol (to be fair, he earned his money, so he had the right to spend it as he pleased). He built a hotel and was barely home afterward.

amazinghands:
I relocated to the United States about eight years ago. My relationship with my dad has been strained and continues to deteriorate.

Background:
I grew up in a lower-middle-class family with both my mom and dad working hard. Everything changed when my dad started earning significant money. His newfound wealth led to a lifestyle filled with parties, women, and alcohol (to be fair, he earned his money, so he had the right to spend it as he pleased). He built a hotel and was barely home afterward.

2010:
While I was in college, I wanted to leave Nigeria due to the incessant ASUU strikes. I told my dad I wanted to study abroad. Initially, he agreed and gave me the funds to start the process. I was admitted to a school in Ukraine and secured a visa, but he later said he couldn’t afford to send me abroad. This decision felt contradictory, as his lifestyle said otherwise. (To be fair, it’s his money, and he has the right to decide how to spend it.)

2016:
I got admitted to a master’s program in the U.S. and approached my dad for help again. He told me to "cut my coat according to my size" and said he couldn’t sell any of his properties for the sake of a child studying abroad. (Again, to be fair, he was right—he had already paid for my college tuition in Nigeria.) Around the same time, he married another wife.

On the other hand, my mom sold her only piece of land and some jewelry to give me half of my first semester's tuition. After involving family members, my dad reluctantly gave me ₦400,000, stating that was all he could afford. I thanked him for the support.

Fast Forward to Today:
I struggled and worked odd jobs to make ends meet, determined never to ask him for help again. Over time, I’ve become financially stable, secured a good job, and am now a permanent resident. I give my dad a monthly allowance and occasionally send more during festive seasons. My mom, on the other hand, gets spoiled with gifts, extra money, and I’ve even invited her to visit and spend time with me in the U.S.

Now, my dad is broke and has suggested I buy him a car and increase what I do for him, despite the fact that my parents are separated and he currently lives with his second wife. I’ve told myself I won’t go above and beyond for him, especially since he chose to prioritize his lifestyle and the new wife (who came with a stepson). I find it hard to reconcile his past decisions with his current expectations.

Am I in the wrong here?

amazinghands:
I relocated to the United States about eight years ago. My relationship with my dad has been strained and continues to deteriorate.

Background:
I grew up in a lower-middle-class family with both my mom and dad working hard. Everything changed when my dad started earning significant money. His newfound wealth led to a lifestyle filled with parties, women, and alcohol (to be fair, he earned his money, so he had the right to spend it as he pleased). He built a hotel and was barely home afterward.

2010:
While I was in college, I wanted to leave Nigeria due to the incessant ASUU strikes. I told my dad I wanted to study abroad. Initially, he agreed and gave me the funds to start the process. I was admitted to a school in Ukraine and secured a visa, but he later said he couldn’t afford to send me abroad. This decision felt contradictory, as his lifestyle said otherwise. (To be fair, it’s his money, and he has the right to decide how to spend it.)

2016:
I got admitted to a master’s program in the U.S. and approached my dad for help again. He told me to "cut my coat according to my size" and said he couldn’t sell any of his properties for the sake of a child studying abroad. (Again, to be fair, he was right—he had already paid for my college tuition in Nigeria.) Around the same time, he married another wife.

On the other hand, my mom sold her only piece of land and some jewelry to give me half of my first semester's tuition. After involving family members, my dad reluctantly gave me ₦400,000, stating that was all he could afford. I thanked him for the support.

Fast Forward to Today:
I struggled and worked odd jobs to make ends meet, determined never to ask him for help again. Over time, I’ve become financially stable, secured a good job, and am now a permanent resident. I give my dad a monthly allowance and occasionally send more during festive seasons. My mom, on the other hand, gets spoiled with gifts, extra money, and I’ve even invited her to visit and spend time with me in the U.S.

Now, my dad is broke and has suggested I buy him a car and increase what I do for him, despite the fact that my parents are separated and he currently lives with his second wife. I’ve told myself I won’t go above and beyond for him, especially since he chose to prioritize his lifestyle and the new wife (who came with a stepson). I find it hard to reconcile his past decisions with his current expectations.

Am I in the wrong here?

amazinghands:
I relocated to the United States about eight years ago. My relationship with my dad has been strained and continues to deteriorate.

Background:
I grew up in a lower-middle-class family with both my mom and dad working hard. Everything changed when my dad started earning significant money. His newfound wealth led to a lifestyle filled with parties, women, and alcohol (to be fair, he earned his money, so he had the right to spend it as he pleased). He built a hotel and was barely home afterward.

2010:
While I was in college, I wanted to leave Nigeria due to the incessant ASUU strikes. I told my dad I wanted to study abroad. Initially, he agreed and gave me the funds to start the process. I was admitted to a school in Ukraine and secured a visa, but he later said he couldn’t afford to send me abroad. This decision felt contradictory, as his lifestyle said otherwise. (To be fair, it’s his money, and he has the right to decide how to spend it.)

2016:
I got admitted to a master’s program in the U.S. and approached my dad for help again. He told me to "cut my coat according to my size" and said he couldn’t sell any of his properties for the sake of a child studying abroad. (Again, to be fair, he was right—he had already paid for my college tuition in Nigeria.) Around the same time, he married another wife.

On the other hand, my mom sold her only piece of land and some jewelry to give me half of my first semester's tuition. After involving family members, my dad reluctantly gave me ₦400,000, stating that was all he could afford. I thanked him for the support.

Fast Forward to Today:
I struggled and worked odd jobs to make ends meet, determined never to ask him for help again. Over time, I’ve become financially stable, secured a good job, and am now a permanent resident. I give my dad a monthly allowance and occasionally send more during festive seasons. My mom, on the other hand, gets spoiled with gifts, extra money, and I’ve even invited her to visit and spend time with me in the U.S.

Now, my dad is broke and has suggested I buy him a car and increase what I do for him, despite the fact that my parents are separated and he currently lives with his second wife. I’ve told myself I won’t go above and beyond for him, especially since he chose to prioritize his lifestyle and the new wife (who came with a stepson). I find it hard to reconcile his past decisions with his current expectations.

Am I in the wrong here?

tensazangetsu20:
You even try. I dont send my father one kobo and the day he asks me for money eh, lemme not even talk

amazinghands:
I relocated to the United States about eight years ago. My relationship with my dad has been strained and continues to deteriorate.

Background:
I grew up in a lower-middle-class family with both my mom and dad working hard. Everything changed when my dad started earning significant money. His newfound wealth led to a lifestyle filled with parties, women, and alcohol (to be fair, he earned his money, so he had the right to spend it as he pleased). He built a hotel and was barely home afterward.

2010:
While I was in college, I wanted to leave Nigeria due to the incessant ASUU strikes. I told my dad I wanted to study abroad. Initially, he agreed and gave me the funds to start the process. I was admitted to a school in Ukraine and secured a visa, but he later said he couldn’t afford to send me abroad. This decision felt contradictory, as his lifestyle said otherwise. (To be fair, it’s his money, and he has the right to decide how to spend it.)

2016:
I got admitted to a master’s program in the U.S. and approached my dad for help again. He told me to "cut my coat according to my size" and said he couldn’t sell any of his properties for the sake of a child studying abroad. (Again, to be fair, he was right—he had already paid for my college tuition in Nigeria.) Around the same time, he married another wife.

On the other hand, my mom sold her only piece of land and some jewelry to give me half of my first semester's tuition. After involving family members, my dad reluctantly gave me ₦400,000, stating that was all he could afford. I thanked him for the support.

Fast Forward to Today:
I struggled and worked odd jobs to make ends meet, determined never to ask him for help again. Over time, I’ve become financially stable, secured a good job, and am now a permanent resident. I give my dad a monthly allowance and occasionally send more during festive seasons. My mom, on the other hand, gets spoiled with gifts, extra money, and I’ve even invited her to visit and spend time with me in the U.S.

Now, my dad is broke and has suggested I buy him a car and increase what I do for him, despite the fact that my parents are separated and he currently lives with his second wife. I’ve told myself I won’t go above and beyond for him, especially since he chose to prioritize his lifestyle and the new wife (who came with a stepson). I find it hard to reconcile his past decisions with his current expectations.

Am I in the wrong here?

amazinghands:
I relocated to the United States about eight years ago. My relationship with my dad has been strained and continues to deteriorate.

Background:
I grew up in a lower-middle-class family with both my mom and dad working hard. Everything changed when my dad started earning significant money. His newfound wealth led to a lifestyle filled with parties, women, and alcohol (to be fair, he earned his money, so he had the right to spend it as he pleased). He built a hotel and was barely home afterward.

2010:
While I was in college, I wanted to leave Nigeria due to the incessant ASUU strikes. I told my dad I wanted to study abroad. Initially, he agreed and gave me the funds to start the process. I was admitted to a school in Ukraine and secured a visa, but he later said he couldn’t afford to send me abroad. This decision felt contradictory, as his lifestyle said otherwise. (To be fair, it’s his money, and he has the right to decide how to spend it.)

2016:
I got admitted to a master’s program in the U.S. and approached my dad for help again. He told me to "cut my coat according to my size" and said he couldn’t sell any of his properties for the sake of a child studying abroad. (Again, to be fair, he was right—he had already paid for my college tuition in Nigeria.) Around the same time, he married another wife.

On the other hand, my mom sold her only piece of land and some jewelry to give me half of my first semester's tuition. After involving family members, my dad reluctantly gave me ₦400,000, stating that was all he could afford. I thanked him for the support.

Fast Forward to Today:
I struggled and worked odd jobs to make ends meet, determined never to ask him for help again. Over time, I’ve become financially stable, secured a good job, and am now a permanent resident. I give my dad a monthly allowance and occasionally send more during festive seasons. My mom, on the other hand, gets spoiled with gifts, extra money, and I’ve even invited her to visit and spend time with me in the U.S.

Now, my dad is broke and has suggested I buy him a car and increase what I do for him, despite the fact that my parents are separated and he currently lives with his second wife. I’ve told myself I won’t go above and beyond for him, especially since he chose to prioritize his lifestyle and the new wife (who came with a stepson). I find it hard to reconcile his past decisions with his current expectations.

Am I in the wrong here?

Frigga13:
Take this ..

Tomorrow is what no one knows .. do it for the sake of humanity and God .

More blessings

amazinghands:
I relocated to the United States about eight years ago. My relationship with my dad has been strained and continues to deteriorate.

Background:
I grew up in a lower-middle-class family with both my mom and dad working hard. Everything changed when my dad started earning significant money. His newfound wealth led to a lifestyle filled with parties, women, and alcohol (to be fair, he earned his money, so he had the right to spend it as he pleased). He built a hotel and was barely home afterward.

2010:
While I was in college, I wanted to leave Nigeria due to the incessant ASUU strikes. I told my dad I wanted to study abroad. Initially, he agreed and gave me the funds to start the process. I was admitted to a school in Ukraine and secured a visa, but he later said he couldn’t afford to send me abroad. This decision felt contradictory, as his lifestyle said otherwise. (To be fair, it’s his money, and he has the right to decide how to spend it.)

2016:
I got admitted to a master’s program in the U.S. and approached my dad for help again. He told me to "cut my coat according to my size" and said he couldn’t sell any of his properties for the sake of a child studying abroad. (Again, to be fair, he was right—he had already paid for my college tuition in Nigeria.) Around the same time, he married another wife.

On the other hand, my mom sold her only piece of land and some jewelry to give me half of my first semester's tuition. After involving family members, my dad reluctantly gave me ₦400,000, stating that was all he could afford. I thanked him for the support.

Fast Forward to Today:
I struggled and worked odd jobs to make ends meet, determined never to ask him for help again. Over time, I’ve become financially stable, secured a good job, and am now a permanent resident. I give my dad a monthly allowance and occasionally send more during festive seasons. My mom, on the other hand, gets spoiled with gifts, extra money, and I’ve even invited her to visit and spend time with me in the U.S.

Now, my dad is broke and has suggested I buy him a car and increase what I do for him, despite the fact that my parents are separated and he currently lives with his second wife. I’ve told myself I won’t go above and beyond for him, especially since he chose to prioritize his lifestyle and the new wife (who came with a stepson). I find it hard to reconcile his past decisions with his current expectations.

Am I in the wrong here?

Frigga13:
Take this ..

Tomorrow is what no one knows .. do it for the sake of humanity and God .

More blessings

tensazangetsu20:
You even try. I dont send my father one kobo and the day he asks me for money eh, lemme not even talk

amazinghands:
I appreciate everyone’s comments and suggestions. Just to provide more context: I have only one sibling, and I am of the opinion that he should be able to do more, given how flamboyant he has been with his spending. The main reason I believe he asked for the car is that my mum recently celebrated a lavish birthday (and he likely suspects I was the one who funded it).

When he asked me for the car, I arranged a meeting with him and my brother to discuss his finances (specifically how he manages and collects rent from his properties). Based on what I knew about his financial situation before I left Nigeria, I honestly don’t believe he’s in a bad position. However, he couldn’t give me a clear answer during the conversation and ended up breaking down in tears.

The real issue is that I can only afford to buy one car, and that will undoubtedly go to my mum. I am aware that this decision will likely further strain our relationship.

Karleb:
Don't do more than you are already doing for him.

I'd advice you withdraw the cash and set it on fire rather than giving it to an irresponsible adult.

Don't reward bad behavior, please I'm begging you.

People will guilt trip you here but don't panic.

When you needed him most, he made the decision not to support you his child in his right senses, which simply means he doesn't love you. Now that he needs you, reciprocate the gesture.

Klass99:
Will it kill you to grant his request for a car or go above and beyond this once, then never bother with going above and beyond, again? I'm thinking we all make mistakes, we do wrong things, we fall, we get up, we learn, we grow, and we thank God for giving us another chance. None of us is perfect.

You're looking at two instances where popsie didn't come through for you (Ukraine and the US) what about the times he was there? The earlier years of your life you may not recall, like, late nights at the hospital because you were sick, going into debt to pay your fees so you won't be sent away from school, lying, stealing or cheating so he could put food on the table for you to eat, etcetera.

Don't stay focused on the occasions when he didn't come through. Even God who created us and loves us more than our parents, doesn't give us everything we want.

I say all of this as someone who has learnt and is still learning the value of letting things go for the sake of inner joy and peace as well as harmonious relationships with others. My soul feels lighter and happier when I don't hold on to grudges.

They say the best revenge is to succeed and do well. You've done that, so let go of the bitterness, and grudges. Be kind and nice to the man, he won't live forever, none of us will and we take nothing out of this world.

Modified to add: Your father did not significantly harm you in any way. That he refused to send you to obodo, should not cancel all of the good things he did or got right.
I dough my hat for you, I respect you 💯

tensazangetsu20:
You even try. I dont send my father one kobo and the day he asks me for money eh, lemme not even talk