₦airaland Forum

advanceDNA:
U are just using double standard....

The father ddnt support him when he need more studies abroad.... you are claiming that's okay because the father already supported him for bachelors....

But now it's not okay that the son pays him monthly allowance...why should the son do unnecessary extra.....the father should be okay with monthly salary just as he expected his son to be okay with bachelors...

Lol..it's always funny when y'all fighting over this dude's story. He has clearly made up his mind on who to love more between his mum and dad. He would never buy a car for his dad.

I'm tired of advising!!!

Ok..have played enough on this thread.

Sayonara Mudafuckers!!!

Karleb:
I find it funny that it's people that give so little that demand the most. I am sure that the mum would never ask him to buy her a car.

On God, what I hate most in this world is irresponsibility.

No mind them....shameless pple....

U had money to help ur son to position him abroad where he can be fairly stable but refused....u now want to demand for luxury because u paid for bachelors degree.... Like he doesn't know how many bachelors degree holder dey this country that can't afford ordinary food ..

He should manage Nigerian bachelors degree allowance.... car koor, skate board niiii

You're too kind. I can't do what you did. You refused to help me when I needed help, I'll not help when you need one.
Tit for tat.

Klass99:
Will it kill you to grant his request for a car or go above and beyond this once, then never bother with going above and beyond, again? I'm thinking we all make mistakes, we do wrong things, we fall, we get up, we learn, we grow, and we thank God for giving us another chance. None of us is perfect.

You're looking at two instances where popsie didn't come through for you (Ukraine and the US) what about the times he was there? The earlier years of your life you may not recall, like, late nights at the hospital because you were sick, going into debt to pay your fees so you won't be sent away from school, lying, stealing or cheating so he could put food on the table for you to eat, etcetera.

Don't stay focused on the occasions when he didn't come through. Even God who created us and loves us more than our parents, doesn't give us everything we want.

I say all of this as someone who has learnt and is still learning the value of letting things go for the sake of inner joy and peace as well as harmonious relationships with others. My soul feels lighter and happier when I don't hold on to grudges.

They say the best revenge is to succeed and do well. You've done that, so let go of the bitterness, and grudges. Be kind and nice to the man, he won't live forever, none of us will and we take nothing out of this world.

Modified to add: Your father did not significantly harm you in any way. That he refused to send you to obodo, should not cancel all of the good things he did or got right.

You have captured everything but let me add my own experience. Presently i provide for my son everything he needs. Among his nieces and nephews, he seems to get the very best in life. Just this morning I told the mother how much I have earmarked for his private lessons. She screamed and said it was too much!
That sum is more than half what some of her colleagues earn. I really don't care because I want the best for him.
So if I fail to send him abroad tomorrow,God forbid , have I now become a bad father? What of all the time I was there - shelter, school fees, feeding, Medicare, clothings etc. Doesn't all these count too?

If you can afford it,then give him. If not, then explain to him.

My own papa been one set me up for overseas. First of all he complained he had no money , who tells such a fat lie as a junior minister in Nigeria; and that my mum who is a civil servant should fund it. By divine Providence, I jumped the trap because later what he came with was just flight ticket. It's like, take your lousy face and go overseas. I stood my grounds got my degree via the Nigerian system although stressful, but I overcame. Some men Sha. I forgave Sha but deep down me I am like I won this time around.

luminouz:
Lol..it's always funny when y'all fighting over this dude's story. He has clearly made up his mind on who to love more between his mum and dad. He would never buy a car for his dad.

I'm tired of advising!!!

I don't get ..which one is fighting over dropping counting opinions......So we can't catch cruise and give pple sliding back tackle on nairaland again?

tensazangetsu20:
I am more prosperous than you. Dey play

Wetin concern me with who prosper pass me, you cant be happier than me .... Moreso, prosperity is relative, so oga keep ur prosperity to your pocket and honour your father and mother

amazinghands:
I relocated to the United States about eight years ago. My relationship with my dad has been strained and continues to deteriorate.

Background:
I grew up in a lower-middle-class family with both my mom and dad working hard. Everything changed when my dad started earning significant money. His newfound wealth led to a lifestyle filled with parties, women, and alcohol (to be fair, he earned his money, so he had the right to spend it as he pleased). He built a hotel and was barely home afterward.

2010:
While I was in college, I wanted to leave Nigeria due to the incessant ASUU strikes. I told my dad I wanted to study abroad. Initially, he agreed and gave me the funds to start the process. I was admitted to a school in Ukraine and secured a visa, but he later said he couldn’t afford to send me abroad. This decision felt contradictory, as his lifestyle said otherwise. (To be fair, it’s his money, and he has the right to decide how to spend it.)

2016:
I got admitted to a master’s program in the U.S. and approached my dad for help again. He told me to "cut my coat according to my size" and said he couldn’t sell any of his properties for the sake of a child studying abroad. (Again, to be fair, he was right—he had already paid for my college tuition in Nigeria.) Around the same time, he married another wife.

On the other hand, my mom sold her only piece of land and some jewelry to give me half of my first semester's tuition. After involving family members, my dad reluctantly gave me ₦400,000, stating that was all he could afford. I thanked him for the support.

Fast Forward to Today:
I struggled and worked odd jobs to make ends meet, determined never to ask him for help again. Over time, I’ve become financially stable, secured a good job, and am now a permanent resident. I give my dad a monthly allowance and occasionally send more during festive seasons. My mom, on the other hand, gets spoiled with gifts, extra money, and I’ve even invited her to visit and spend time with me in the U.S.

Now, my dad is broke and has suggested I buy him a car and increase what I do for him, despite the fact that my parents are separated and he currently lives with his second wife. I’ve told myself I won’t go above and beyond for him, especially since he chose to prioritize his lifestyle and the new wife (who came with a stepson). I find it hard to reconcile his past decisions with his current expectations.

Am I in the wrong here?

Guy! your Dad gave you the reason to succed in the first place. He created the fire you needed for the success you are now enjoying. Had he treated you better, probably you would have always been running back home for money whenever you are broke....fast forward to his current situation, both of you will be broke ... so give him everything within your means.

Bro no do anything for humanity, do it for your peace, humanity no send anybody papa, having said that, don’t prioritize him, if it’s within your means why not, but he would be old and what will happen to the car once he dies? U wan follow stepmother drag car? Except u are willing to forget the car too sha if not, no gree for anybody!!

Help him he still your father

CaveAdullam:
It takes being exposed to understand situations. Exposure makes you enter different terrains and grasped a lot of knowledge.

It is this that has made me overcome any form of antipathy for my parents - whether good or bad.

Exposure and knowledge will make you build empathy. Because it's only empathy that can can make you not treat someone badly, the way they have treated you.

It is empathy that will make you turn your left cheek when someone slap you on the right cheek.

Strong empathy is rooted in deep knowledge. And it is as a result of not allowing your pains and suffering to becloud you and become vicious.

Those not consumed by their suffering and won't allow themselves to be a conduit or tool in the hand of the devil in seeking for revenge are God's people (this is not about religion. Hope the reader will understand).

Our parents acted based on their limited scope of knowledge. They acted the way they deem fit and thought that their actions whether good or bad won't be detrimental to their well-being and family. They acted based on ignorance.

There are still some decisions my parents will advise me to take. I don't. Because I know they are talking from a standpoint of the 20th century. It doesn't mean that everything they say is foolish. But as a more exposed individual I have to weigh their suggestions in the light of the 21st century.

Hanlon's Razor: don't attribute to malice what's as a result of stupidity.

Please, man, forgive your father and have full peace. At least, you are at a point where you can take good care of yourself and family. If not for anything, but for the little good things he has done for you as a child.

He is your father. You can't change that fact.

Tell your father, how he failed you and his nuclear family. Pour your heart outside. Let him know your height of disappointment in him. Perhaps, he may be remorseful and ask for forgiveness.

However, whatever you know you can do for him that won't bring you problem, regrets, and setbacks, do it.

Buy him a car if you can. Give him allowances if you can.

You are already far from him. So irregardless of his actions, it can't get to you. Even though he decides to persists in his ways.

This is not to guilt trip you. You can do as it pleases you. No big deal. Your attitude toward him is reasonable.

But you are doing it because you are now wiser and bigger than your father.

Don't allow 1 error to erase 99 good.

Thanks.

God bless you. Relationship with parents isn't easy. A lot of times they truly did their evat from the limited knowledge they had.

You can't use their actions ALONE to determine how to treat them in old age

LOL...Do nice things that you can afford for your father man....have you had a child yet? life is more that the angle you are using to microscope it... you wont die if u do it

amazinghands:
I relocated to the United States about eight years ago. My relationship with my dad has been strained and continues to deteriorate.
Background:

A car, no.
Medical expenses or such that'll inevitably come, yes

amazinghands:
I relocated to the United States about eight years ago. My relationship with my dad has been strained and continues to deteriorate.

Background:
I grew up in a lower-middle-class family with both my mom and dad working hard. Everything changed when my dad started earning significant money. His newfound wealth led to a lifestyle filled with parties, women, and alcohol (to be fair, he earned his money, so he had the right to spend it as he pleased). He built a hotel and was barely home afterward.

2010:
While I was in college, I wanted to leave Nigeria due to the incessant ASUU strikes. I told my dad I wanted to study abroad. Initially, he agreed and gave me the funds to start the process. I was admitted to a school in Ukraine and secured a visa, but he later said he couldn’t afford to send me abroad. This decision felt contradictory, as his lifestyle said otherwise. (To be fair, it’s his money, and he has the right to decide how to spend it.)

2016:
I got admitted to a master’s program in the U.S. and approached my dad for help again. He told me to "cut my coat according to my size" and said he couldn’t sell any of his properties for the sake of a child studying abroad. (Again, to be fair, he was right—he had already paid for my college tuition in Nigeria.) Around the same time, he married another wife.

On the other hand, my mom sold her only piece of land and some jewelry to give me half of my first semester's tuition. After involving family members, my dad reluctantly gave me ₦400,000, stating that was all he could afford. I thanked him for the support.

Fast Forward to Today:
I struggled and worked odd jobs to make ends meet, determined never to ask him for help again. Over time, I’ve become financially stable, secured a good job, and am now a permanent resident. I give my dad a monthly allowance and occasionally send more during festive seasons. My mom, on the other hand, gets spoiled with gifts, extra money, and I’ve even invited her to visit and spend time with me in the U.S.

Now, my dad is broke and has suggested I buy him a car and increase what I do for him, despite the fact that my parents are separated and he currently lives with his second wife. I’ve told myself I won’t go above and beyond for him, especially since he chose to prioritize his lifestyle and the new wife (who came with a stepson). I find it hard to reconcile his past decisions with his current expectations.

Am I in the wrong here?

My friend help that ur dad from ur write up,ur dad didn't do u any wrong what he ensured was his over conservatism on ur matter ..in place of sending u out he made sure he gave u the opportunity here in Nigeria....I think wat ur holding against him now was is reckless lifestyle......pls do something for that man and forget ur sentiment cuz one day when he eventually leaves ur conscience will play ur mid and guilt tap u on how u failed to help ur dad rise up...........

gunners160:
Be here writing nonsense instead of learning and become a better father. What you wrote is a complete waste of space and time. Entitlement mentality of men who do nothing for there family and expects to get rewarded. Which son prays to have a father like you who rant online to dicredit his wife? SHMM

You're a foolish boy. Very ungrateful.

Your type will even curse God for not answering your 1 million prayers.

You feel entitled to care as a 24 year old graduate.

If you like kill your dad. You won't take my own dad. Idiot!

If your dad did nothing. How come he did not throw you into dust bin or allow sickness kill you?

Entitled fool.

The audacity. Please prioritise yourself and your life and do for your father as your conscience leads. Anyone can feel entitled to your money especially with the history that na their problem.

Pay his rent and give him an allowance. Car is a luxury that you don’t need to get into unless you want to.

amazinghands:
I relocated to the United States about eight years ago. My relationship with my dad has been strained and continues to deteriorate.

Background:
I grew up in a lower-middle-class family with both my mom and dad working hard. Everything changed when my dad started earning significant money. His newfound wealth led to a lifestyle filled with parties, women, and alcohol (to be fair, he earned his money, so he had the right to spend it as he pleased). He built a hotel and was barely home afterward.

2010:
While I was in college, I wanted to leave Nigeria due to the incessant ASUU strikes. I told my dad I wanted to study abroad. Initially, he agreed and gave me the funds to start the process. I was admitted to a school in Ukraine and secured a visa, but he later said he couldn’t afford to send me abroad. This decision felt contradictory, as his lifestyle said otherwise. (To be fair, it’s his money, and he has the right to decide how to spend it.)

2016:
I got admitted to a master’s program in the U.S. and approached my dad for help again. He told me to "cut my coat according to my size" and said he couldn’t sell any of his properties for the sake of a child studying abroad. (Again, to be fair, he was right—he had already paid for my college tuition in Nigeria.) Around the same time, he married another wife.

On the other hand, my mom sold her only piece of land and some jewelry to give me half of my first semester's tuition. After involving family members, my dad reluctantly gave me ₦400,000, stating that was all he could afford. I thanked him for the support.

Fast Forward to Today:
I struggled and worked odd jobs to make ends meet, determined never to ask him for help again. Over time, I’ve become financially stable, secured a good job, and am now a permanent resident. I give my dad a monthly allowance and occasionally send more during festive seasons. My mom, on the other hand, gets spoiled with gifts, extra money, and I’ve even invited her to visit and spend time with me in the U.S.

Now, my dad is broke and has suggested I buy him a car and increase what I do for him, despite the fact that my parents are separated and he currently lives with his second wife. I’ve told myself I won’t go above and beyond for him, especially since he chose to prioritize his lifestyle and the new wife (who came with a stepson). I find it hard to reconcile his past decisions with his current expectations.

Am I in the wrong here?

zarathustra:
It's complex but all I can say is: If you can afford it , do it. Let him have it if it is within your means.

Good response from U....
Dad is family..
U forgive ...and move on...
do what you can...
And leave the rest to God....
In the next 100 yrs plus ....
Every1 don kpai...
sincerely when u have got challenges ...
that is life and death ....and seen life...
All grudges like Ops grudges are feather weight....

Bros as much as you can afford to, provide for your Dad, forgive him, and forget the past, he would not be alive forever.

I swear life is not nollywood at all. My story is somewhat similar to your in terms of the background, request to school abroad, running into money later in life, divorcing mum, and remarrying.

Difference is my own dad never looked back financially. From glory to glory, so you cant even show him any pepper. Person wey still tear new car for himself beginning of the year, his new kids (my steps) all go to the best secondary schools and vacation every year. Medical check up every year abroad and private gym at his house with personal trainer.

Sometimes wish to be in your shoes to have financial leverage over him but the financial sense and hardworking part of his life is stronger than his moral weaknesses

Lesson learned from him: Improve your financial life to the point that even in your old age you are not a charity case. (Not an advocate of living recklessly to the point of your children hating you but if they are manipulated to even hating you let nobody have financial dominion over you)

advanceDNA:
U are just using double standard....

The father ddnt support him when he need more studies abroad.... you are claiming that's okay because the father already supported him for bachelors....

But now it's not okay that the son pays him monthly allowance...why should the son do unnecessary extra.....the father should be okay with monthly salary just as he expected his son to be okay with bachelors...

Which double standard? His dad has always supported him all through his education until his bagged his first degree. Will he crucify him because he didn't turn up as expected during his masters degree abroad? Are you saying because his dad didn't do as expected during his postgraduate education the dad didn't support him? Some of you haven't had any responsibility like having a child and wife and you wouldn't know what others go through until you go through that process.

Fathers aren't allowed to make a mistake, once a father makes one mistake all his good deeds from age zero to undergraduate degree is nullity that's what you are saying which doesn't depict the good memory before the postgraduate education issues

He didn't act well during the child's quest for postgraduate education abroad doesn't mean he didn't support his child before then, and should be given his flowers for the much he did and not given zero because he messed up at the tail end. The basic education (nursery to university) that should be given to a child he did it perfectly what then are you saying?

CaveAdullam:
It takes being exposed to understand situations. Exposure makes you enter different terrains and grasped a lot of knowledge.

It is this that has made me overcome any form of antipathy for my parents - whether good or bad.

Exposure and knowledge will make you build empathy. Because it's only empathy that can can make you not treat someone badly, the way they have treated you.

It is empathy that will make you turn your left cheek when someone slap you on the right cheek.

Strong empathy is rooted in deep knowledge. And it is as a result of not allowing your pains and suffering to becloud you and become vicious.

Those not consumed by their suffering and won't allow themselves to be a conduit or tool in the hand of the devil in seeking for revenge are God's people (this is not about religion. Hope the reader will understand).

Our parents acted based on their limited scope of knowledge. They acted the way they deem fit and thought that their actions whether good or bad won't be detrimental to their well-being and family. They acted based on ignorance.

There are still some decisions my parents will advise me to take. I don't. Because I know they are talking from a standpoint of the 20th century. It doesn't mean that everything they say is foolish. But as a more exposed individual I have to weigh their suggestions in the light of the 21st century.

Hanlon's Razor: don't attribute to malice what's as a result of stupidity.

Please, man, forgive your father and have full peace. At least, you are at a point where you can take good care of yourself and family. If not for anything, but for the little good things he has done for you as a child.

He is your father. You can't change that fact.

Tell your father, how he failed you and his nuclear family. Pour your heart outside. Let him know your height of disappointment in him. Perhaps, he may be remorseful and ask for forgiveness.

However, whatever you know you can do for him that won't bring you problem, regrets, and setbacks, do it.

Buy him a car if you can. Give him allowances if you can.

You are already far from him. So irregardless of his actions, it can't get to you. Even though he decides to persists in his ways.

This is not to guilt trip you. You can do as it pleases you. No big deal. Your attitude toward him is reasonable.

But you are doing it because you are now wiser and bigger than your father.

Don't allow 1 error to erase 99 good.

Thanks.

Bro you are spot on, exposure is key in the light of the bigger picture!

Klass99:
Will it kill you to grant his request for a car or go above and beyond this once, then never bother with going above and beyond, again? I'm thinking we all make mistakes, we do wrong things, we fall, we get up, we learn, we grow, and we thank God for giving us another chance. None of us is perfect.

Modified to add: Your father did not significantly harm you in any way. That he refused to send you to obodo, should not cancel all of the good things he did or got right.

Words on marble. Bravo.

This is the comment

It's not as it he was a decadbeat father all along.

If he hadn't seen you through primary, secondary and uni, the masters admission in the US would be impossible.

Klass99:
Will it kill you to grant his request for a car or go above and beyond this once, then never bother with going above and beyond, again? I'm thinking we all make mistakes, we do wrong things, we fall, we get up, we learn, we grow, and we thank God for giving us another chance. None of us is perfect.

You're looking at two instances where popsie didn't come through for you (Ukraine and the US) what about the times he was there? The earlier years of your life you may not recall, like, late nights at the hospital because you were sick, going into debt to pay your fees so you won't be sent away from school, lying, stealing or cheating so he could put food on the table for you to eat, etcetera.

Don't stay focused on the occasions when he didn't come through. Even God who created us and loves us more than our parents, doesn't give us everything we want.

I say all of this as someone who has learnt and is still learning the value of letting things go for the sake of inner joy and peace as well as harmonious relationships with others. My soul feels lighter and happier when I don't hold on to grudges.

They say the best revenge is to succeed and do well. You've done that, so let go of the bitterness, and grudges. Be kind and nice to the man, he won't live forever, none of us will and we take nothing out of this world.

Modified to add: Your father did not significantly harm you in any way. That he refused to send you to obodo, should not cancel all of the good things he did or got right.

elipheleh:
You're a foolish boy. Very ungrateful.

Your type will even curse God for not answering your 1 million prayers.

You feel entitled to care as a 24 year old graduate.

If you like kill your dad. You won't take my own dad. Idiot!

If your dad did nothing. How come he did not throw you into dust bin or allow sickness kill you?

Entitled fool.

can you please keep quiet.. it seems when God was sharing sense u are among those that went with an umbrella. Poor men make stupid and rubish mistakes and have one hell of entitlement mentality. Gone are those days when men will useless their youths and expects their son or daughter to out their neck for their own greed. Imagine a father who did not carry out his responsibilities asking for a car. What an effrontery. One small boy who is unmarried is coming online to say rubbish to support an obnoxious and nitwit act carried out by a selfish dad. Rubbish...... If Elon Musk dad or Jeff Bezoz dad was this careless do u think they will be where they are today.. No provoke me this morning oooo.......... Giving birth is not enough, men should be responsible .. Number of irresponsible dad who knowns nothing than just to procreate is becoming too much.... dont let me lash out on you .....

No one is perfect, nothing really bad done by your father, remembered he did basic from nursery to university level, some father failed in that, supporting for masters level is not a must for him based on his understanding, u said it nah him money, taking second wife nah him choice as an adult, is ur father u tried for u, think of it if u are not a graduate, will u think of masters, think deeply, if are capable buy am car , send him money within ur capacity not beyond affordability.

amazinghands:
I relocated to the United States about eight years ago. My relationship with my dad has been strained and continues to deteriorate.

Background:
I grew up in a lower-middle-class family with both my mom and dad working hard. Everything changed when my dad started earning significant money. His newfound wealth led to a lifestyle filled with parties, women, and alcohol (to be fair, he earned his money, so he had the right to spend it as he pleased). He built a hotel and was barely home afterward.

2010:
While I was in college, I wanted to leave Nigeria due to the incessant ASUU strikes. I told my dad I wanted to study abroad. Initially, he agreed and gave me the funds to start the process. I was admitted to a school in Ukraine and secured a visa, but he later said he couldn’t afford to send me abroad. This decision felt contradictory, as his lifestyle said otherwise. (To be fair, it’s his money, and he has the right to decide how to spend it.)

2016:
I got admitted to a master’s program in the U.S. and approached my dad for help again. He told me to "cut my coat according to my size" and said he couldn’t sell any of his properties for the sake of a child studying abroad. (Again, to be fair, he was right—he had already paid for my college tuition in Nigeria.) Around the same time, he married another wife.

On the other hand, my mom sold her only piece of land and some jewelry to give me half of my first semester's tuition. After involving family members, my dad reluctantly gave me ₦400,000, stating that was all he could afford. I thanked him for the support.

Fast Forward to Today:
I struggled and worked odd jobs to make ends meet, determined never to ask him for help again. Over time, I’ve become financially stable, secured a good job, and am now a permanent resident. I give my dad a monthly allowance and occasionally send more during festive seasons. My mom, on the other hand, gets spoiled with gifts, extra money, and I’ve even invited her to visit and spend time with me in the U.S.

Now, my dad is broke and has suggested I buy him a car and increase what I do for him, despite the fact that my parents are separated and he currently lives with his second wife. I’ve told myself I won’t go above and beyond for him, especially since he chose to prioritize his lifestyle and the new wife (who came with a stepson). I find it hard to reconcile his past decisions with his current expectations.

Am I in the wrong here?

If you pay him back in his own coin, you've become like him, and posterity will no longer judge him but judge you.

Do what you can for him, if not, you will take the punishment meant for him.

If you kill a killer, the number of killers will not change.

So this is about you feeling your dad didn't do enough or he didnt kill or overstress himself enough for you, if you no wan give am, keep am, anything that makes you sleep, i was thinking stupid like this at a time till i went to meet an agent cos i wanted to begin a business, the old man made some points that changed my veiw, for you to have person wey born you still alive and you able to create smile for them is a privilege .. All he has done since your birth nko, have you for once thought of what he goes through sacrificing his own happiness for yours, are you sure your mum brought him happiness.. But he is now a bad person.. Funny

Since he supported you with something tangible twice during your quest to travel to foreign land. I would advice you to help him if you have wherewithal.

What did your mum ever do to him to make him never look back?
Not even for his children.

naenaesosa:
I swear life is not nollywood at all. My story is somewhat similar to your in terms of the background, request to school abroad, running into money later in life, divorcing mum, and remarrying.

Difference is my own dad never looked back financially. From glory to glory, so you cant even show him any pepper. Person wey still tear new car for himself beginning of the year, his new kids (my steps) all go to the best secondary schools and vacation every year. Medical check up every year abroad and private gym at his house with personal trainer.

Sometimes wish to be in your shoes to have financial leverage over him but the financial sense and hardworking part of his life is stronger than his moral weaknesses

Lesson learned from him: Improve your financial life to the point that even in your old age you are not a charity case. (Not an advocate of living recklessly to the point of your children hating you but if they are manipulated to even hating you let nobody have financial dominion over you)

Imagine rubbish wey people dey comment all because the man couldn't fully fund your school to the US. This guy has a super dad but he wouldn't know. With time, you will understand.
The world is unfair to men
How i wish my father had done half of what your father did for you hen...