₦airaland Forum

All I have to my brother, do it and even more and see how Allah keep answering your prayers. He is your Dad irrespective of his lifestyle. I am also in similar situation but I don't even have much to give my parents.

amazinghands:
I relocated to the United States about eight years ago. My relationship with my dad has been strained and continues to deteriorate.

Background:
I grew up in a lower-middle-class family with both my mom and dad working hard. Everything changed when my dad started earning significant money. His newfound wealth led to a lifestyle filled with parties, women, and alcohol (to be fair, he earned his money, so he had the right to spend it as he pleased). He built a hotel and was barely home afterward.

2010:
While I was in college, I wanted to leave Nigeria due to the incessant ASUU strikes. I told my dad I wanted to study abroad. Initially, he agreed and gave me the funds to start the process. I was admitted to a school in Ukraine and secured a visa, but he later said he couldn’t afford to send me abroad. This decision felt contradictory, as his lifestyle said otherwise. (To be fair, it’s his money, and he has the right to decide how to spend it.)

2016:
I got admitted to a master’s program in the U.S. and approached my dad for help again. He told me to "cut my coat according to my size" and said he couldn’t sell any of his properties for the sake of a child studying abroad. (Again, to be fair, he was right—he had already paid for my college tuition in Nigeria.) Around the same time, he married another wife.

On the other hand, my mom sold her only piece of land and some jewelry to give me half of my first semester's tuition. After involving family members, my dad reluctantly gave me ₦400,000, stating that was all he could afford. I thanked him for the support.

Fast Forward to Today:
I struggled and worked odd jobs to make ends meet, determined never to ask him for help again. Over time, I’ve become financially stable, secured a good job, and am now a permanent resident. I give my dad a monthly allowance and occasionally send more during festive seasons. My mom, on the other hand, gets spoiled with gifts, extra money, and I’ve even invited her to visit and spend time with me in the U.S.

Now, my dad is broke and has suggested I buy him a car and increase what I do for him, despite the fact that my parents are separated and he currently lives with his second wife. I’ve told myself I won’t go above and beyond for him, especially since he chose to prioritize his lifestyle and the new wife (who came with a stepson). I find it hard to reconcile his past decisions with his current expectations.

Am I in the wrong here?

zarathustra:
It's complex but all I can say is: If you can afford it , do it. Let him have it if it is within your means.

This is not good advice. If he buys him a car, he will go back to his extravagant lifestyle and start demanding more from him to fund his new lifestyle. Take good care of your dad, but don't allow him to wreck you because if you do, all the effort you put in to make it will be in vain.

amazinghands:
I relocated to the United States about eight years ago. My relationship with my dad has been strained and continues to deteriorate.

Background:
I grew up in a lower-middle-class family with both my mom and dad working hard. Everything changed when my dad started earning significant money. His newfound wealth led to a lifestyle filled with parties, women, and alcohol (to be fair, he earned his money, so he had the right to spend it as he pleased). He built a hotel and was barely home afterward.

2010:
While I was in college, I wanted to leave Nigeria due to the incessant ASUU strikes. I told my dad I wanted to study abroad. Initially, he agreed and gave me the funds to start the process. I was admitted to a school in Ukraine and secured a visa, but he later said he couldn’t afford to send me abroad. This decision felt contradictory, as his lifestyle said otherwise. (To be fair, it’s his money, and he has the right to decide how to spend it.)

2016:
I got admitted to a master’s program in the U.S. and approached my dad for help again. He told me to "cut my coat according to my size" and said he couldn’t sell any of his properties for the sake of a child studying abroad. (Again, to be fair, he was right—he had already paid for my college tuition in Nigeria.) Around the same time, he married another wife.

On the other hand, my mom sold her only piece of land and some jewelry to give me half of my first semester's tuition. After involving family members, my dad reluctantly gave me ₦400,000, stating that was all he could afford. I thanked him for the support.

Fast Forward to Today:
I struggled and worked odd jobs to make ends meet, determined never to ask him for help again. Over time, I’ve become financially stable, secured a good job, and am now a permanent resident. I give my dad a monthly allowance and occasionally send more during festive seasons. My mom, on the other hand, gets spoiled with gifts, extra money, and I’ve even invited her to visit and spend time with me in the U.S.

Now, my dad is broke and has suggested I buy him a car and increase what I do for him, despite the fact that my parents are separated and he currently lives with his second wife. I’ve told myself I won’t go above and beyond for him, especially since he chose to prioritize his lifestyle and the new wife (who came with a stepson). I find it hard to reconcile his past decisions with his current expectations.

Am I in the wrong here?

YES

Baba forget if you get run am for your papa....him loose guard but ...you just have to overlook and help him....God bless you

Karleb:
Don't do more than you are already doing for him.

I'd advice you withdraw the cash and set it on fire rather than giving it to an irresponsible adult.

Don't reward bad behavior, please I'm begging you.

People will guilt trip you here but don't panic.

When you needed him most, he made the decision not to support you his child in his right senses, which simply means he doesn't love you. Now that he needs you, reciprocate the gesture.

I am very sure u r not a father yet, i don't know how u concluded that when he needed him most. Are you the one that paid for his prenatal, antenatal n post natal, r u d one that fed him, cloth him n paid his fee. U think to raise pikin na beans.

Youth of nowadays always dodge all form of responsibilities. Anyways life na kamal

Beremx:
I was waiting for this useless comment once it gets to front page and I wasn't disappointe

Too many idiots on nairaland

Your father and mother are idiots🥱🥱

Nothing really. As a man myself i understand how money can open new doors for you, where you arent proud of the woman you started with. My mum was a civil servant, and my step mum is a doctor.

I didnt say he never looked back. Took care of me and my siblings. Its the extras im talking about. The extras my step siblings are enjoying now

Mariangeles:
What did your mum ever do to him to make him never look back?
Not even for his children.

You don't owe more than what you're already doing. I wouldn't even give up to half of that

zarathustra:
It's complex but all I can say is: If you can afford it , do it. Let him have it if it is within your means.

U must be very mad.

SisterAnn:
I'm the one who liked the post right above me.

Op, ask your mum what you should do in this case of buying him a car.

Anything she prescribes is what you should do.

More reasons I’ll always advise men to save for their future. Just do the little you can do for ur family and invest the rest in your future. Save that money rather than investing it in some stupid family who will later turn your kids against u. After all, it’s your money

bros/sis, you bring your family matter come Nairaland, for what exactly? public opinion?

Acekidc4:
My father and mother are stupid idiots🥱🥱

no wonder you display idiocy on nairaland. Now I know

It's not about wrong. It's about been good.

Be good..don't revenge...don't be making some rules on your parents. But don't allow them to abuse your goodness.

Do what you can and what you can't give it a good approach.

There is more to been a son or father. A little complex for explanation here

amazinghands:
I relocated to the United States about eight years ago. My relationship with my dad has been strained and continues to deteriorate.

Background:
I grew up in a lower-middle-class family with both my mom and dad working hard. Everything changed when my dad started earning significant money. His newfound wealth led to a lifestyle filled with parties, women, and alcohol (to be fair, he earned his money, so he had the right to spend it as he pleased). He built a hotel and was barely home afterward.

2010:
While I was in college, I wanted to leave Nigeria due to the incessant ASUU strikes. I told my dad I wanted to study abroad. Initially, he agreed and gave me the funds to start the process. I was admitted to a school in Ukraine and secured a visa, but he later said he couldn’t afford to send me abroad. This decision felt contradictory, as his lifestyle said otherwise. (To be fair, it’s his money, and he has the right to decide how to spend it.)

2016:
I got admitted to a master’s program in the U.S. and approached my dad for help again. He told me to "cut my coat according to my size" and said he couldn’t sell any of his properties for the sake of a child studying abroad. (Again, to be fair, he was right—he had already paid for my college tuition in Nigeria.) Around the same time, he married another wife.

On the other hand, my mom sold her only piece of land and some jewelry to give me half of my first semester's tuition. After involving family members, my dad reluctantly gave me ₦400,000, stating that was all he could afford. I thanked him for the support.

Fast Forward to Today:
I struggled and worked odd jobs to make ends meet, determined never to ask him for help again. Over time, I’ve become financially stable, secured a good job, and am now a permanent resident. I give my dad a monthly allowance and occasionally send more during festive seasons. My mom, on the other hand, gets spoiled with gifts, extra money, and I’ve even invited her to visit and spend time with me in the U.S.

Now, my dad is broke and has suggested I buy him a car and increase what I do for him, despite the fact that my parents are separated and he currently lives with his second wife. I’ve told myself I won’t go above and beyond for him, especially since he chose to prioritize his lifestyle and the new wife (who came with a stepson). I find it hard to reconcile his past decisions with his current expectations.

Am I in the wrong here?

you are wrong,your father took care of you from nursery to college,supported you initially to travel,but due to marital problems later changed, but gave you #400k in 2016 which is a huge amount then ,the man tried,to even have properties and a hotel,the problem is the second wife and your mother will not be happy with you giving your father money and car to enjoy with her enemy,give your father a car if you can afford it,most people here that are supporting you not to give him anything have father's that have not moulded one block all their life or priced a bicycle

Wicked child .do you think you make it by your own power ?

Frigga13:
Take this ..

Tomorrow is what no one knows .. do it for the sake of humanity and God .

More blessings

When the father has already showed what he could be if tomorrow favours him.

tensazangetsu20:
You even try. I dont send my father one kobo and the day he asks me for money eh, lemme not even talk

don't die with hatred . Life is not as serious as we take it , see ur dad past mistakes as a mirror to build ur future and ur children's upbringing . No matter how , ur children may somehow pick anger with you even for no good reason tomorrow, pls forgive him with out him asking and pls take care of him , he won't be around for too long.

Karleb:
Don't do more than you are already doing for him.

I'd advice you withdraw the cash and set it on fire rather than giving it to an irresponsible adult.

Don't reward bad behavior, please I'm begging you.

People will guilt trip you here but don't panic.

When you needed him most, he made the decision not to support you his child in his right senses, which simply means he doesn't love you. Now that he needs you, reciprocate the gesture.

Bringing love into this doesn't make sense. Must a father love a child he gave birth to before providing for him?

OP, your father made his choice, please whatever choice you feel like its good for you, make it. No let anyone use father-pikin-relationship guilt trip you. By the way, isn't it obvious one can succeed without his father's blessings?

amazinghands:
I relocated to the United States about eight years ago. My relationship with my dad has been strained and continues to deteriorate.

Background:
I grew up in a lower-middle-class family with both my mom and dad working hard. Everything changed when my dad started earning significant money. His newfound wealth led to a lifestyle filled with parties, women, and alcohol (to be fair, he earned his money, so he had the right to spend it as he pleased). He built a hotel and was barely home afterward.

2010:
While I was in college, I wanted to leave Nigeria due to the incessant ASUU strikes. I told my dad I wanted to study abroad. Initially, he agreed and gave me the funds to start the process. I was admitted to a school in Ukraine and secured a visa, but he later said he couldn’t afford to send me abroad. This decision felt contradictory, as his lifestyle said otherwise. (To be fair, it’s his money, and he has the right to decide how to spend it.)

2016:
I got admitted to a master’s program in the U.S. and approached my dad for help again. He told me to "cut my coat according to my size" and said he couldn’t sell any of his properties for the sake of a child studying abroad. (Again, to be fair, he was right—he had already paid for my college tuition in Nigeria.) Around the same time, he married another wife.

On the other hand, my mom sold her only piece of land and some jewelry to give me half of my first semester's tuition. After involving family members, my dad reluctantly gave me ₦400,000, stating that was all he could afford. I thanked him for the support.

Fast Forward to Today:
I struggled and worked odd jobs to make ends meet, determined never to ask him for help again. Over time, I’ve become financially stable, secured a good job, and am now a permanent resident. I give my dad a monthly allowance and occasionally send more during festive seasons. My mom, on the other hand, gets spoiled with gifts, extra money, and I’ve even invited her to visit and spend time with me in the U.S.

Now, my dad is broke and has suggested I buy him a car and increase what I do for him, despite the fact that my parents are separated and he currently lives with his second wife. I’ve told myself I won’t go above and beyond for him, especially since he chose to prioritize his lifestyle and the new wife (who came with a stepson). I find it hard to reconcile his past decisions with his current expectations.

Am I in the wrong here?

"I find it hard to reconcile his past decisions with his current expectations"
This line got me

Your father did well. He nurtured you from a baby till you graduated in a Nigerian University. He also helped you partially when you were study abroad.

Your main complaint is that he married a second wife with a stepson.

Suppose your mum happened to be the second wife and not the first wife would you hate him of course no.

Thank God and your dad as well as your adorable mother for the roles they played in making you a successful man.

If you can afford to buy him a car do so, take care of him. If you like after his death collect the car and sell it. To recover part of your money.

Lf you spend a lot on his funeral but never buy the car the money spent on his funeral is not for him but just to show off that you are rich.

amazinghands:
I relocated to the United States about eight years ago. My relationship with my dad has been strained and continues to deteriorate.

Background:
I grew up in a lower-middle-class family with both my mom and dad working hard. Everything changed when my dad started earning significant money. His newfound wealth led to a lifestyle filled with parties, women, and alcohol (to be fair, he earned his money, so he had the right to spend it as he pleased). He built a hotel and was barely home afterward.

2010:
While I was in college, I wanted to leave Nigeria due to the incessant ASUU strikes. I told my dad I wanted to study abroad. Initially, he agreed and gave me the funds to start the process. I was admitted to a school in Ukraine and secured a visa, but he later said he couldn’t afford to send me abroad. This decision felt contradictory, as his lifestyle said otherwise. (To be fair, it’s his money, and he has the right to decide how to spend it.)

2016:
I got admitted to a master’s program in the U.S. and approached my dad for help again. He told me to "cut my coat according to my size" and said he couldn’t sell any of his properties for the sake of a child studying abroad. (Again, to be fair, he was right—he had already paid for my college tuition in Nigeria.) Around the same time, he married another wife.

On the other hand, my mom sold her only piece of land and some jewelry to give me half of my first semester's tuition. After involving family members, my dad reluctantly gave me ₦400,000, stating that was all he could afford. I thanked him for the support.

Fast Forward to Today:
I struggled and worked odd jobs to make ends meet, determined never to ask him for help again. Over time, I’ve become financially stable, secured a good job, and am now a permanent resident. I give my dad a monthly allowance and occasionally send more during festive seasons. My mom, on the other hand, gets spoiled with gifts, extra money, and I’ve even invited her to visit and spend time with me in the U.S.

Now, my dad is broke and has suggested I buy him a car and increase what I do for him, despite the fact that my parents are separated and he currently lives with his second wife. I’ve told myself I won’t go above and beyond for him, especially since he chose to prioritize his lifestyle and the new wife (who came with a stepson). I find it hard to reconcile his past decisions with his current expectations.

Am I in the wrong here?

Please don't pay evil with evil.

Do your own things as a good child and leave God to judge him.

I am sure he is regretting his actions now.

Just do your own things as a good child and leave him to God. The judgement is not yours

Op if I were you I would do what's on my mind. Follow your mind.

For you to be seeking advice, it means a tiny part of you wants to do it. Please go ahead and do it for GOD.
Stay blessed.

amazinghands:
I relocated to the United States about eight years ago. My relationship with my dad has been strained and continues to deteriorate.

Background:
I grew up in a lower-middle-class family with both my mom and dad working hard. Everything changed when my dad started earning significant money. His newfound wealth led to a lifestyle filled with parties, women, and alcohol (to be fair, he earned his money, so he had the right to spend it as he pleased). He built a hotel and was barely home afterward.

2010:
While I was in college, I wanted to leave Nigeria due to the incessant ASUU strikes. I told my dad I wanted to study abroad. Initially, he agreed and gave me the funds to start the process. I was admitted to a school in Ukraine and secured a visa, but he later said he couldn’t afford to send me abroad. This decision felt contradictory, as his lifestyle said otherwise. (To be fair, it’s his money, and he has the right to decide how to spend it.)

2016:
I got admitted to a master’s program in the U.S. and approached my dad for help again. He told me to "cut my coat according to my size" and said he couldn’t sell any of his properties for the sake of a child studying abroad. (Again, to be fair, he was right—he had already paid for my college tuition in Nigeria.) Around the same time, he married another wife.

On the other hand, my mom sold her only piece of land and some jewelry to give me half of my first semester's tuition. After involving family members, my dad reluctantly gave me ₦400,000, stating that was all he could afford. I thanked him for the support.

Fast Forward to Today:
I struggled and worked odd jobs to make ends meet, determined never to ask him for help again. Over time, I’ve become financially stable, secured a good job, and am now a permanent resident. I give my dad a monthly allowance and occasionally send more during festive seasons. My mom, on the other hand, gets spoiled with gifts, extra money, and I’ve even invited her to visit and spend time with me in the U.S.

Now, my dad is broke and has suggested I buy him a car and increase what I do for him, despite the fact that my parents are separated and he currently lives with his second wife. I’ve told myself I won’t go above and beyond for him, especially since he chose to prioritize his lifestyle and the new wife (who came with a stepson). I find it hard to reconcile his past decisions with his current expectations.

Am I in the wrong here?

Bro, you're an adult so you'll ultimately have to make your decision.

Personally, I don't think I would do more than you're currently doing. I mean you're already sending him monthly allowances! If you're not his only child, he doesn't have to depend on you solely for his living.

I am in a somewhat similar situation as you. I don't send the man money, partly because the relationship was never really there and because I don't think I can afford that. 🤨 I was most likely the least cared for among his children.

A car is somewhat luxury to me, except he intends using it for business purposes. I cannot fund luxury for someone that hasn't earned it and it's not about being unforgiving in my book. I hate irresponsibility!

I think you wouldn't even be sending him anything or relating with him at all if you are being unforgiving. You may grant his request sha if it will be easy to because we're not in the same shoes.

Ultimately, do as God convinces you. I know I am not perfect.

zarathustra:
It's complex but all I can say is: If you can afford it , do it. Let him have it if it is within your means.

Oga no put sentiment or emotional here.

He should not give him.

What if d guy didnt go abroad and make nkor.

Oga, forget church mind; call a spade a spade..., make d father go die

tensazangetsu20:
You even try. I dont send my father one kobo and the day he asks me for money eh, lemme not even talk

He is still your father, just find a place in your heart to forgive him

My wife told me how her dad treated her, her siblings and her mum bad, right from her childhood to adulthood, the dad used to be a big manager in a defunct bank, living large and took in the second wife etc

Long story short, her dad later became broke

When i got married to ny wife, the first thing i did is to ask her to forgive her dad, she did and we still send allowance to him monthly

WE OFFEND GOD ALSO, YET HE STILL LOVE US AND FORGIVE US

ThaThinka:
Bro, you're an adult so you'll ultimately have to make your decision.

Personally, I don't think I would do more than you're currently doing. I mean you're already sending him monthly allowances! If you're not his only child, he doesn't have to depend on you solely for his living.

I am in a somewhat similar situation as you. I don't send the man money, partly because the relationship was never really there and because I don't think I can afford that. 🤨 I was most likely the least cared for among his children.

A car is somewhat luxury to me, except he intends using it for business purposes. I cannot fund luxury for someone that hasn't earned it and it's not about being unforgiving in my book. I hate irresponsibility!

I think you wouldn't even be sending him anything or relating with him at all if you are being unforgiving. You may grant his request sha if it will be easy to because we're not in the same shoes.

Ultimately, do as God convinces you. I know I am not perfect.

Call your dad tonight. Ask him how he is. Ask how he is faring. Then send him some money.

See ehn....one day that dad will be no more and you will regret not mending the fence with him.


As for the OP, your dad paid for your uni right? He cared for you from childhood and ensured you got a degree.

Your mum did the barest minimum e.g. Selling land and suddenly, she has done more than your dad?


What about all the fees he paid from primary to secondary.....what about the feeding of the family from cradle to grave?


Did you notice that most people egging you on not to care for your dad are women?

I sincerely pray it is not too late for you.


My dad never sponsored me to Uni. I had to fend for myself and I became successful.

but guess what....I have funded his lifestyle for the past ten years and I am happy doing it.


Like right now...my goal is to ensure that my parent (both of them) have premium igbadun till their old age and eventual demise as long as God gives me the capacity.

I do not look into the past at what they've done wrong.

I give a monthly allowance in six figures each to them to the point they sometimes even feed the needy out of their excess.

I Ensure they travel abroad once every two years


And also doing some other massive private project I can't share here.


You know what's funny.....the more I keep taking care of them...the more I keep getting blessed.


I sincerely pray you have a rethink. You dad is an MVP. He is a god. Don't ever let any of the female nairalanders here paint him negatively for you. I just really wish you can see it.

Compliant:
He is still your father, just find a place in your heart to forgive him

My wife told me how her dad treated her, her siblings and her mum bad, right from her childhood to adulthood, the dad used to be a big manager in a defunct bank, living large and took in the second wife etc

Long story short, her dad later became broke

When i got married to ny wife, the first thing i did is to ask her to forgive her dad, she did and we still send allowance to him monthly

WE OFFEND GOD ALSO, YET HE STILL LOVE US AND FORGIVE US

He also wrote that he sends his dad monthly allowances. Do you think he'd do that if he hadn't forgiven him?

Honestly, he didn't try, but if you have it, give him, forgiveness is divine, remember he's your dad!

He's actions might have contributed to your strong will towards achieving success.

You know the true colour of people when they make money.

tensazangetsu20:
You even try. I dont send my father one kobo and the day he asks me for money eh, lemme not even talk

You'll be a father someday and realise he's sacrifice and what it takes to be a father.
Most of you are just ingrates.
If you know what it takes to run a family, pay house rents, bills and school fees, you'll realise your father did hundreds times than your mother. Most of the things your mother did was even through him directly and indirectly...

tensazangetsu20:
You even try. I dont send my father one kobo and the day he asks me for money eh, lemme not even talk

I tire for some fathers. But as they say blood is thicker than water, we have to assist

Vicas2000:
Call your dad tonight. Ask him how he is. Ask how he is faring. Then send him some money.

See ehn....one day that dad will be no more and you will regret not mending the fence with him.


As for the OP, your dad paid for your uni right? He cared for you from childhood and ensured you got a degree.

Your mum did the barest minimum e.g. Selling land and suddenly, she has done more than your dad?


What about all the fees he paid from primary to secondary.....what about the feeding of the family from cradle to grave?


Did you notice that most people egging you on not to care for your dad are women?

I sincerely pray it is not too late for you.


My dad never sponsored me to Uni. I had to fend for myself and I became successful.

but guess what....I have funded his lifestyle for the past ten years and I am happy doing it.


Like right now...my goal is to ensure that my parent (both of them) have premium igbadun till their old age and eventual demise as long as God gives me the capacity.

I do not look into the past at what they've done wrong.

I give a monthly allowance in six figures each to them to the point they sometimes even feed the needy out of their excess.

I Ensure they travel abroad once every two years


And also doing some other massive private project I can't share here.


You know what's funny.....the more I keep taking care of them...the more I keep getting blessed.


I sincerely pray you have a rethink. You dad is an MVP. He is a god. Don't ever let any of the female nairalanders here paint him negatively for you. I just really wish you can see it.

Thanks. But this person you're addressing isn't a kid but a somewhat "early" millennial. I believe I am old enough to make my own decisions.

By the way, how can you make the assumptions that he did all those things you wrote? You cannot know better than the person wearing the shoes!

MVP my foot! I am a man myself. But I don't subscribe to sweeping irresponsibility under the carpet under the guise of a person being this or that. That's how some were trying to win our support for the president because he's a fellow Yoruba man back then. I don't entertain such sentiments.

The truth about relationships with one's children is that they are best built when they are still young. How do you build a non-existent relationship when the child is an adult and expect it to be strong? That's even if such fathers care to attempt to build one.

In my own case, I believe I have forgiven him because we still talk occasionally. I don't have any need for such conversations at all otherwise.

Parents (and people generally) who were irresponsible shouldn't feel entitled. You can give to them if you can afford but are not worth going the distance for in my opinion, as of today.

Imagine a child that was left to fend for him/herself or die now makes it and you say he's indebted to those who left him to die, especially if they had the means, because they're his parents? Yeah, right!