₦airaland Forum

Foolish woman. They have reached ke? Na you send her message? Oga, stop picking her calls. She will come back by herself when she is tired. Better still, give her 2 weeks and tell her if she is not back by then, not to come again.

Is this real?
Or another fiction.
Because if it is, you shouldn't go to them. Your wife should be the one doing her best to win back your trust. I guess you have shown her how much you value the marriage. Sadly she doesn't. I don't think there is anything as frustrating as a partner who doesn't value what you two share and I don't recommend taking her back. Except she has gone through counselling or therapy. Her case is not normal.

She has bad family members too.
There is a saying that you can manage a bad spouse, but not bad in-laws. Imagine you that is dealing with both.

Odafe360:
do you know that just like that she told me that if i think she would come back when she gets broke or can't cater for the kids then I'm deceiving myself because God will never allow that... I then told her that it's your imagination, i'll never pray for that to happen to you. The painful thing is that i can't even tell my siblings about it because they didn't support my marriage to her and because of that we stopped taking with my biological siblings since i got married.

Hmm! ooO!

See, you have to go back in humility, and reconcile with your family, or you prefer to kpeme in silence out of pride?

It is because your wife and her family have seen that you have no backing, na why them dey do you anyhow. Them no regard you.
You no get strong link.

Use your head.
Go back to your family like the prodigal son, and sort things out with them first and foremost.
After that, you'll know the next step on what to do.

Odafe360:
I've been married for 7 years and blessed with 3kids... Sometimes ago my wife confessed to me about the paternity of my first son that he is not my son, when she got pregnant while we were dating, she told the real Dad but he denied being responsible and she had no option than to pin it on me. I became shattered and down, infact my world nearly came to an end, i sent my wife out of the house but after about a month, i forgave her and took them back with the kids, infact I still love all my kids equally without remembering the paternity of my first child. We had a little issue some weeks ago and she threatened to leave the marriage by the end of the year, then i told her if she really wants to leave, she mustn't wait for the year to end..... Then two weeks ago she started packing her things gradually to her parents house (her father is late). She finally left yesterday and we even had sex a day before she left. The funny things is that she has packed every of her belongings, leaving nothing at all.

Since she started packing her things back to her mum's place none of her siblings or her mum has called me or come to find out what the problem is, anytime we have issues and she goes back to her mum's place, nobody from her family will come to enquire what happened, i'll still be the one to go and pick them back home and apologize to the mum whether i'm at fault or not, i think that is what made them to view me as a fool, even when i discovered the paternity of the my first son, her mother never came to my place nor called, i was still the one who went to see her mum and we spoke then brought back my wife and kids home.

I work so hard to take care of her and my kids, i always make sure they lack nothing. People envy them because i invest so much on my kids...

Please guys, what do you think i should do? Should i just move on and forget about her because honestly this time around nothing would take me to their house. She called me yesterday that they've reached and i said okay, then she called me this morning that the children are asking when I'm coming to see them?

You mentioned that you had a little issue weeks ago, yet don't describe it.
From your telling, it caused your wife to say she wanted to leave the house. What was the issue? Perspective helps with advice.
Also, when did you learn your 1st child wasn't yours? I ask because you spent a lot of the post describing that.

Sorry for been rude sir, but you are a complete foolish man ever

Its unfortunate that you created lots of unhealthy stuff in this marriage.

Firstly, it was not a wise decision to disconnect from your family because of your marriage. They knew you before her and contributed to where you got to before marriage. You should have found a way to reconnect even though they objected to marrying this woman. Ostracizing yourself from you family for 7 years is not a wise decision.

Secondly, I can tell you from experience that there is usually an ulterior motive when a woman encourages her spouse to disconnect from his family. It's usually to control and dominate him. This is exactly what has happened to you

She managed to cut you off from family support so that she can emotionally blackmail and manipulate you, which is what she's doing right now.

Going several times to apologize and beg her to return home also devalued you as a man.

Your behaviour shows you as a phlegmatic person who does not know how to maximise his strengths.

My counsel.

Don't go to beg her. Calling you that the kids are asking when they'd see you is emotional blackmail. Do not succumb to her manipulation. It's unfortunate that she has her mum's backing is this. Both at them must be feeding fat on your cheap and immature approach to issues.

Reconcile with your family. Give the apology to them rather than your wife for now. Don't worry even they make a jest of you. It's for your own good.

Be a man. Stand for what is right. She will come back once you remain unfazed by her antics.

But expect her to complain if she discovers you're back with your siblings. She won't like it but handle it with wisdom. Your family and your siblings are an integral part of your life. Don't throw any of them away.

Wisdom is profitable.

If you need to talk with me, send a dm

Try to do DNA for the three kids, not just the two she said is yours.

When someone have lied to you to such degree of paternity, then it should bring the consequence of invalidating every other truths they have told.

So in all your dealings, you must be working with facts, not facts from her tongue, but facts that are verifiable and objective.

Having said that, your situation is not surprising. Usually when you forgive and accept people for something that they know do not deserve forgiveness and acceptance, they will punish you for it. Just a matter of time.

Your wife whom you have covered her shame from the world, is punishing you with full support of her family, and you are here crying.

You dont have madness in you ni? Like there is no part of you that is made up of wickedness, and you tamed it just because you are not a monster? haaaa

Even good women are beautiful responsibilities, but a bad one? thats a useless responsibility that should be dumped, especially when she has dumped herself, and you should codedly be happy for relieving you from the guilt.

The irony is that weak men might spoil shit for other men, but the real suffering and punishment is always the fortune of the weak. See as you dey suffer, chai. Its your fault.

MMempire:
Ghost them for now. Just occasionally visit your children at their school and not in her parent's house. Keep the bond with your kids and move on as a man. At least, you can be proud of two biological kids. When the time comes, your children will never forget you. Shikena!

Word on marble.

madridguy:
My brother help me add additional #500 for me too. Imagine him still regarding a bastard as his own son.

😀🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Odafe360:
imagine till date no one has called or come over to here from me.... please bro, can we chat privately on WhatsApp? I'm really passing through hell right now.

You are not a good man... You are a senseless man

You stopped talking to your siblings bcoz of a woman that brought a baxtard to your home and treat you like shit..

You deserve whatever you are going tru

frozen70:
Good morning Bros
How are you

Why are you getting frustrated

Most book covers are done by printers, they are more in shomolu Bariga axis

You dey wine, why not use Canva or get a professional on Upwork or fiver to get it done.

.

Juliearth:
I just stumbled on this thread. I'm guessing it's the thread preceding what's currently on ground. I also went through the comment to get more understanding. I can't really fault you because you were truly a good husband and a father. The only fault I see was condoning her excesses. I'm a woman and I would give you this advise for free. To her, you came off as weak, judging by the number of times she left and you followed to beg her (family).

I am not saying you did bad not reasoning with your family on marrying her, but did you try to find out why they never liked her? Insisting on knowing why may have revealed this to you from the initial stage.


No need crying over spilled milk. I can tell you for a fact that she will return. It is good that you have resolved not to beg. As such, she would manipulate her way back. Use this moment of alone-ness to figure out what you truly want. I would not ask you if you love her because love is never enough. Ask yourself these questions before she returns:

1. What value does she add to your life?
2. When you are not in crisis, does she make you happy.
3. Is your partnership a plus or minus to you?...

All the best!

this is one of the best advice I've read so far... God bless you.

Odafe360

Just realised you're an Urhobo man. Hmmmm!

Degwo o, Migwo, bro!

Sorry o, but you guys make terrible husbands (speaking from far too many experiences). It's a cultural thing (your tribe looks down on women).

Na only your side of the story we hear.

I saw your recent thread about Divorce, Bros you never divorce yet. Na initial pain dey pain you.

U wan divorce? Divorce is terrible, it is like Death. The pain never goes away. Plus you got kids.

This your wife, she no start well. Paternity fraud is crap. But you accepted it, so keep accepting it. That kid is your son.

Firstly, forgive her.

Now, let's work on you and this marriage.

My brother, you are the Head of your Home.

No, that doesn't mean you're the Obasanjo or Buhari of your family (which is what most Nigerian men think that title is, Oppression and Benevolent Dictatorship).

You are the Servant-Leader. You're the Biden, Jimmy Carter (not a Trump, never a Trump).

Biblically, any man who wants a Proverbs 31 wife has to be Ephesians 5 husband. You have to love a bad wife to bring out the best in her. She has to submit to a bad husband.

And yes, all men are bad husbands and all women are bad wives. Only Joseph and Mary qualify for good husband and good wife

You have so many character flaws but the devil helps you to be blind to them and see only hers. Because happy women don't pack out anyhow from their homes, especially when they committed paternity fraud and the man forgave her. Not saying she's perfect, I'm saying neither are you.

Please leave her be where she is. Start calling to speak to your kids frequently. Don't forget you're the father and all this is hurting them.

No more begging her.

Focus on yourself. FOCUS ON YOURSELF! Leave women alone, don't go and sleep around.

Start by identifying all your flaws and weaknesses. Write then down, start praying over them. Don't you dare make justification and excuses for any wrongdoing, you have to own up to it (Accountability).

Identify your patterns of behaviour. We all have it, even me. There are very few things we do just once, we tend to repeat patterns. Once you do, you'll know yourself better.

Start praying on your marriage. Nothing the devil likes more than scattering marriage. Truly. Marriage is a blessed sacrament.

Your wife can't come home until this work is started, because both of you have to break your pattern of her always leaving after any small wahala.

She has to see a new man, a man who has changed for the better. She must be inspired to bring out her best behaviour and work on her character and improve, and she can only do that when she is under good leadership.

She gotta stay committed and submit to your leadership and you gotta be a good leader and listen to her.

If after all this work is done and her heart is still hardened and marriage is over, Bros, you'll done the work, you've made yourself a better man and the sun will shine on you.

You never divorce, there's hope for you.

Odafe360:
this is one of the best advice I've read so far... God bless you.

Please be careful with this, she may try and manipulate herself back or she may not. Because women are funny.

I know a man (a somewhat immature guy) whose wife moved out once (he beat her) and he had to and beg. So he swore he would never do that again. When kasala burst a 2nd time, he tricked his wife into leaving him (he set up conditions that she had no option but to leave, then told everyone that she left him. Yes, there's another babe and he was looking for excuse to end his marriage). So he used that as justification for "I'm never going back to beg!"

Over a year don pass. New babe isn't looking so hot anymore (reality is a bitch), Bros has said and done plenty bad stuff. His wife tried to reach out to him, but he childishly rebuffed her publicly.

No wam, she's reaching out to his parents. She's also been much warmer in communication to her ex.

The man thinks she's trying to manipulate her way back. Ego and pride don dey set again.

However, I've seen his wife and she's buying new clothes, wig and jewelry. She's looking happier. I saw her social media and I am 99% sure there are men in her life but she's taking it slowly and carefully (which is the right thing to do). Which is why she's not angry any more, she's accepted her divorce. She's now enjoying her freedom.

This same thing played out this year on NL (guy even moved in with a new babe and then erroneously thought his ex-wife was "humbled and coming to beg", not knowing she has accepted his decision to divorce and moved on.

And you know women: Once we move on, issolova

Don't chase her but don't disappear from her line of sight.

Not unless you want to know how much lawyers charge to file for divorce

.

Onegai:
Please be careful with this, she may try and manipulate herself back or she may not. Because women are funny.

I know a man (a somewhat immature guy) whose wife moved out once (he beat her) and he had to and beg. So he swore he would never do that again. When kasala burst a 2nd time, he tricked his wife into leaving him (he set up conditions that she had no option but to leave, then told everyone that she left him. Yes, there's another babe and he was looking for excuse to end his marriage). So he used that as justification for "I'm never going back to beg!"

Over a year don pass. New babe isn't looking so hot anymore (reality is a bitch), Bros has said and done plenty bad stuff. His wife tried to reach out to him, but he childishly rebuffed her publicly.

No wam, she's reaching out to his parents. She's also been much warmer in communication to her ex.

The man thinks she's trying to manipulate her way back. Ego and pride don dey set again.

However, I've seen his wife and she's buying new clothes, wig and jewelry. She's looking happier. I saw her social media and I am 99% sure there are men in her life but she's taking it slowly and carefully (which is the right thing to do). Which is why she's not angry any more, she's accepted her divorce. She's now enjoying her freedom.

This same thing played out this year on NL (guy even moved in with a new babe and then erroneously thought his ex-wife was "humbled and coming to beg", not knowing she has accepted his decision to divorce and moved on.

And you know women: Once we move on, issolova

Don't chase her but don't disappear from her line of sight.

Not unless you want to know how much lawyers charge to file for divorce

You wrote a lot and at the same time, you wrote nothing.

Juliearth:
You are welcome, always. Feel free to create another thread or update this on what's on ground. We are always here to give you insight.

she has finally called me today to tell me that the marriage is over and that she's not coming back again. According to her, one of the reason why she took this decision is because of the fact that i don't bother to go and check on them for the past 2 weeks that they were away.

.

Juliearth:
I told you about manipulation,right? It has just begun. Don't be moved, she will come back. DONT BEG OR GO TO HER HOUSE. If invited,do not show up. If you will ever get it right in this marriage, it is now. Tell her your lawyers would forward divorce papers and you want full custody of your legitimate children and see her panick. Send me a DM for more tips.

And please, reconcile with your family. They are your blood. You need them now.

please i really need your contact please... This is my mail so you can send it to me there please. Odafe360@yahoo.com I'm waiting please

Odafe360:
please i really need your contact please... This is my mail so you can send it to me there please. Odafe360@yahoo.com I'm waiting please

.

Odafe360:
she has finally called me today to tell me that the marriage is over and that she's not coming back again. According to her, one of the reason why she took this decision is because of the fact that i don't bother to go and check on them for the past 2 weeks that they were away.

Tell her to put it in writing and send it to you via email or WhatsApp.

Calm down, take 2 days off. Cry, grieve, pray. Look for someone trusted in your family who can keep a secret and tell only that person. Because the minute you carry it to everyone, your marriage is over.

Still follow my earlier advice to work on yourself.

Make sure you go and buy a small Itel or Tecno phone, with a SIM and send it to her, tell her it is for you to be able to speak to your children.

Call your children regularly (twice a week) and calculate a reasonable amount to be sending monthly for upkeep.

Give your wife plenty space. Let things cool down.

Don't let devil enter this matter!

Juliearth:
I told you about manipulation,right? It has just begun. Don't be moved, she will come back. DONT BEG OR GO TO HER HOUSE. If invited,do not show up. If you will ever get it right in this marriage, it is now. Tell her your lawyers would forward divorce papers and you want full custody of your legitimate children and see her panick. Send me a DM for more tips.

And please, reconcile with your family. They are your blood. You need them now.

Do NOT do this, Odafe360

Remember that story I told you earlier? He's Urhobo like you and I'm sure people advised him to do this.

His marriage is over now.

Even if they want to reconcile, the people giving him this bad advice over-gingered him and he did so much shi.t that he cannot even go back alone to fix things. His father had to apologise for one egregious act and you KNOW how proud Urhobo men are.

All that is keeping hope alive is that his wife is better than most Nigerian women. Walai! Because she chose not to fight him back fire for fire. God bless her for this, because she realised that people were giving her husband this kind of crazy advice and she wisely refused to react or listen to people who were giving her hot, scatter-everything advice.

I'm kneeling down Odafe360, I'm from your side. Don't fight, don't call any lawyer. Don't escalate matter.

She will not back down and beg if you do.

Let us resolve this matter with wisdom or maybe you want to know that it costs N1.5-N5mil to file for divorce in Lagos High Court with lawyers. Or you want to file in Sagamu and be driving there.

Or you want to one day look back at your kids growing up elsewhere and wonder what the hell did you do.

At the end of the day, you and only you will live with the regrets.

My brother, I am not young in this life. I have seen where "Stand on your Pride and Ego!" has led.

I will put you in touch with trained marital counsellors, you just need to trust me.

Don't react to her message, respond. Difference dey.

Just say "thank you. Please put it in writing"

Nothing more.

Some of you men joke with your life too much.

A woman who pinned a child that is not yours to you must be a wicked person. She confessed, she knows you are a weakling, if not, no woman will ever confess to cheating on that scale, even when caught they still deny.

Better walk away and live your life. DO a DNA to confirm the paternity of all the children because the escapade may not even be once.

Take care of the ones that are yours and allow the others to take care of the one that are theirs.

Odafe360:
she has finally called me today to tell me that the marriage is over and that she's not coming back again. According to her, one of the reason why she took this decision is because of the fact that i don't bother to go and check on them for the past 2 weeks that they were away.

See, she's definitely trying to mess with you.

But legally, she has not ended the marriage.

Right now, you can legally say she abandoned the marriage because she moved out. But she can argue she only went for Christmas Holiday (because it has only been 2 weeks).

And since she told you VERBALLY the marriage is over, it means nothing. Because she can deny it later on in court. Verbal anything means nothing.

However, if you send her a MESSAGE stating anything about your lawyer, that is a legally acceptable thing that can stand in court and her lawyer can say "Odafe360 ended his marriage, yunno".

And there's no such thing as "Lawyers will send Divorce Papers to her" in Nigeria, Nigerian Marital Act requires 2 years of continuous separation before you can file a Petition in court and serve your spouse (see how Nollywood is teaching people nonsense like "divorce papers will be served". And if she calls your bluff and says "oya make your lawyer contact me", what next, bro?

Which is why I said you should reply her on a call: "please this decision you have made, put it in writing and send it to me". Calmly. No sweat. Don't mention anything else, no lawyers.

If e sure for her, make she write am.

Hold your mind, na man you be. Don't react in anger or pride or rage, Respond in calmness.

Let's start working on you. A new, improved you

Remember, this is a process, a journey that never ends. And at the end, you will grow for the better. As long as you learn to respond, rather than react.

Onegai:
See, she's definitely trying to mess with you.

But legally, she has not ended the marriage.

Right now, you can legally say she abandoned the marriage because she moved out. But she can argue she only went for Christmas Holiday (because it has only been 2 weeks).

And since she told you VERBALLY the marriage is over, it means nothing. Because she can deny it later on in court. Verbal anything means nothing.

However, if you send her a MESSAGE stating anything about your lawyer, that is a legally acceptable thing that can stand in court and her lawyer can say "Odafe360 ended his marriage, yunno".

And there's no such thing as "Lawyers will send Divorce Papers to her" in Nigeria, Nigerian Marital Act requires 2 years of continuous separation before you can file a Petition in court and serve your spouse (see how Nollywood is teaching people nonsense like "divorce papers will be served". And if she calls your bluff and says "oya make your lawyer contact me", what next, bro?

Which is why I said you should reply her on a call: "please this decision you have made, put it in writing and send it to me". Calmly. No sweat. Don't mention anything else, no lawyers.

If e sure for her, make she write am.

Hold your mind, na man you be. Don't react in anger or pride or rage, Respond in calmness.

Let's start working on you. A new, improved you

Remember, this is a process, a journey that never ends. And at the end, you will grow for the better. As long as you learn to respond, rather than react.

When experienced and mature people write, the difference is always so refreshingly clear.

I am learning a lot from reading your posts 👍👌

Ishilove:
When experienced and mature people write, the difference is always so refreshingly clear.

I am learning a lot from reading your posts 👍👌

If only my family members and friends felt this way about me

I'm learning from Experience, whom is the best teacher

Onegai:
If only my family members and friends felt this way about me

I'm learning from Experience, whom is the best teacher

They don’t? Are you sure?

I also enjoy reading your comments.