₦airaland Forum

My fiancee and I are from the East and engaged her last month. All medical and background checks have been done and are fairly ok. Now here's where the issue lies:

Her dad is late, and in their village, there's a rite that must be done for the late dad before any TM. I told her I would like both TM and white wedding to be done in the village since we are both from the same state and it'll be easy for me so I know I'm done with any wedding. she disagreed citing that she wanted her friends, colleagues, and family to be present as they cant travel due to the economy. I considered so it wont look like I'm selfish and I wanted my people to be present more. I agreed to do the white wedding in our current base to balance up everything.

Few weeks later, her elder sister suggested we do the late dad's rite only in the village , then come to lagos and do the TM citing that's the way she did hers as they don't want people who weren't there for them to reap where they didn't sow. I disagreed and told them I gave my sisters hand in marriage last year and both TM and white were done in the village to make everything easy. Also told her most TM I attend are done in the village. They reluctantly agreed and stuck to the initial plan but said we should do it on a low key of which I agreed.

Note that all the while I was visiting her family in Lagos, it was only her mom's people that were present. I asked after her dad's siblings and they said they were in the village. I told her its necessary to be in good rapport with her dads people as they are the major deciders.

I requested for her dad's brothers contact so he will help me on some things since he will be standing as her dad. I called him and we started making plans. Few days later, my babe called me that my uncle told her 'I wont be around on the late dads rite, that ill send my younger brother'...i was shocked and angry and told her I never said that. my instincts told me its false as they wanted the TM to be in Lagos. The next day, her mom and sister called and were telling me they don't like the way I'm calling the uncle and asking him things.

It was a heated argument and I told them I've called off the wedding plans, we exchanged words and I hung up. The uncle called me next day and I told him what my babe said and he said he never said such. I told him my family said I should pause wedding plans for now so I don't enter a family where there's no unity. I told him to call my babe's mom and ask her what she wants since shes not cool with me calling him.

He pleaded but I stood my ground. I love her but it seems all is not well and I cant risk it. I need your advice.

The dad's traditional rite is on who?

When her elder sister got married, was their dad still alive, if no, why was the said traditional rite not done then?

Few weeks later, her elder sister suggested we do the late dad's rite only in the village , then come to lagos and do the TM citing that's the way she did hers as they don't want people who weren't there for them to reap where they didn't sow.

Women can be really funny at times... So without her wedding those people won't eat or what?
I like the fact you stood your ground as a man but having a serious arguement with her mother is what you should have avoid at all cost.

Nevertheless, never marry a wife from a woman. If they cannot allow the uncles to play his role as a father now definitely they will do worse to you in the future.

adaperry25:
My fiancee and I are from the East and engaged her last month. All medical and background checks have been done and are fairly ok. Now here's where the issue lies:

Her dad is late, and in their village, there's a rite that must be done for the late dad before any TM. I told her I would like both TM and white wedding to be done in the village since we are both from the same state and it'll be easy for me so I know I'm done with any wedding. she disagreed citing that she wanted her friends, colleagues, and family to be present as they cant travel due to the economy. I considered so it wont look like I'm selfish and I wanted my people to be present more. I agreed to do the white wedding in our current base to balance up everything.

Few weeks later, her elder sister suggested we do the late dad's rite only in the village , then come to lagos and do the TM citing that's the way she did hers as they don't want people who weren't there for them to reap where they didn't sow. I disagreed and told them I gave my sisters hand in marriage last year and both TM and white were done in the village to make everything easy. Also told her most TM I attend are done in the village. They reluctantly agreed and stuck to the initial plan but said we should do it on a low key of which I agreed.

Note that all the while I was visiting her family in Lagos, it was only her mom's people that were present. I asked after her dad's siblings and they said they were in the village. I told her its necessary to be in good rapport with her dads people as they are the major deciders.

I requested for her dad's brothers contact so he will help me on some things since he will be standing as her dad. I called him and we started making plans. Few days later, my babe called me that my uncle told her 'I wont be around on the late dads rite, that ill send my younger brother'...i was shocked and angry and told her I never said that. my instincts told me its false as they wanted the TM to be in Lagos. The next day, her mom and sister called and were telling me they don't like the way I'm calling the uncle and asking him things.

It was a heated argument and I told them I've called off the wedding plans, we exchanged words and I hung up. The uncle called me next day and I told him what my babe said and he said he never said such. I told him my family said I should pause wedding plans for now so I don't enter a family where there's no unity. I told him to call my babe's mom and ask her what she wants since shes not cool with me calling him.

He pleaded but I stood my ground. I love her but it seems all is not well and I cant risk it. I need your advice.

So you had an argument with your in-law-to-be, and now you’re here seeking advice after you’ve already made up your mind? Honestly, even if I were the brother of the lady, I wouldn’t support her marrying you anymore. Your actions have likely raised serious doubts about your temperament and ability to handle family relationships. You should reflect deeply on how to rebuild that trust because conflicts like this can have lasting consequences. It's not just about marrying the person, but also about becoming part of a family. Think carefully about how you can approach the situation maturely to make amends.

JUST suspended?

Dude, you need a TOTAL and COMPREHENSIVE TERMINATION of any and all plans to marry that woman.

You are NOT married yet, she has already RECRUITED her mother and sister to GANG UP on you and THWART your plans.

She has resorted to MANIPULATION and outright LYING.

She concocted a conversation with her Uncle that does NOT exist in order to MANIPULATE you into doing what she wants.

And she's doing this even though she previously agreed to YOUR plans.

You have PROOF that the woman you were about to marry would gladly work AGAINST you and make up STORIES to serve her selfish purposes.

And her MOTHER and SISTER would gladly work AGAINST you too.

The marriage plans should NOT be suspended.
It should be TERMINATED!

Ibkay32:
So you had an argument with your in-law-to-be, and now you’re here seeking advice after you’ve already made up your mind? Honestly, even if I were the brother of the lady, I wouldn’t support her marrying you anymore. Your actions have likely raised serious doubts about your temperament and ability to handle family relationships. You should reflect deeply on how to rebuild that trust because conflicts like this can have lasting consequences. It's not just about marrying the person, but also about becoming part of a family. Think carefully about how you can approach the situation maturely to make amends.

yes, I have apologized but why are they lying about their dads brother all because they want everything in Lagos. its a subtle red flag that theyre the controlling type

Stevenbright:
The dad's traditional rite is on who?

When her elder sister got married, was their dad still alive, if no, why was the said traditional rite not done then?

its on the groom. no, he wasn't alive

adaperry25:
yes, I have apologized but why are they lying about their dads brother all because they want everything in Lagos. its a subtle red flag that theyre the controlling type

It’s not about being controlling; by now, you should realize there’s no genuine love between them. This is something that often happens in African families. Maybe her father’s side of the family didn’t like her mother even when their father was still alive. These lingering issues must have created tension and division, and unfortunately, It's important to approach this with understanding, but also with caution, because unresolved family grudges can become major challenges in the future. Take time to assess the dynamics and decide if this is something you’re willing and prepared to navigate.

U are very matured from the way and manner u detailed everything here.

Your mother in law is actually trying to hide something here and I love the fact that u went all out to locate ur in law.
It is very important and don't allow them to fool u around by telling u how they are not comfortable seeing both of u talk about the marriage.

Marriage is beyond marrying a woman especially if u are from the east of the Niger.
Despite all that,hear out ur mother in law to be and also,hear out what ur wife's uncle has got to say here.

Then take ur final decision to avoid u entering a family with friction and animosity.

Goodluck.

adaperry25:
its on the groom. no, he wasn't alive

If he wasn't alive then, why didn't her own husband did it then?

If he did, does that mean it is every inlaw to be groom that must do it?

If yes, is it a normal tradition in your culture?

I am just curious why it was not done once and for all by her sister's husband? And why it should be on you?

Namaster:
JUST suspended?

Dude, you need a TOTAL and COMPREHENSIVE TERMINATION of any and all plans to marry that woman.

You are NOT married yet, she has already RECRUITED her mother and sister to GANG UP on you and THWART your plans.

She has resorted to MANIPULATION and outright LYING.

She concocted a conversation with her Uncle that does NOT exist in order to MANIPULATE you into doing what she wants.

And she's doing this even though she previously agreed to YOUR plans.

You have PROOF that the woman you were about to marry would gladly work AGAINST you and make up STORIES to serve her selfish purposes.

And her MOTHER and SISTER would gladly work AGAINST you too.

The marriage plans should NOT be suspended.
It should be TERMINATED!

This is all you need bro. Do not let anyone convince you to go talk to anyone, you will just make the greatest mistake ever.
Love is not enough in marriage. These days, it's only the icing on the cake. Respect is number 1.
That family especially her mum's side will ruin you later on. They will control you. They might also be a reason behind the death of their father.
Terminate that arrangement now that you still can.

StPete:
This is all you need bro. Do not let anyone convince you to go talk to anyone, you will just make the greatest mistake ever.
Love is not enough in marriage. These days, it's only the icing on the cake. Respect is number 1.
That family especially her mum's side will ruin you later on. They will control you. They might also be a reason behind the death of their father.
Terminate that arrangement now that you still can.

Hmmmm.


All women affair......you wanna marry from a family full of drama.
Never marry a woman too close to her mother
Never marry a woman easily control by her mother.

They will frustrate you to the end of time.

adaperry25:
My fiancee and I are from the East and engaged her last month. All medical and background checks have been done and are fairly ok. Now here's where the issue lies:

Her dad is late, and in their village, there's a rite that must be done for the late dad before any TM. I told her I would like both TM and white wedding to be done in the village since we are both from the same state and it'll be easy for me so I know I'm done with any wedding. she disagreed citing that she wanted her friends, colleagues, and family to be present as they cant travel due to the economy. I considered so it wont look like I'm selfish and I wanted my people to be present more. I agreed to do the white wedding in our current base to balance up everything.

Few weeks later, her elder sister suggested we do the late dad's rite only in the village , then come to lagos and do the TM citing that's the way she did hers as they don't want people who weren't there for them to reap where they didn't sow. I disagreed and told them I gave my sisters hand in marriage last year and both TM and white were done in the village to make everything easy. Also told her most TM I attend are done in the village. They reluctantly agreed and stuck to the initial plan but said we should do it on a low key of which I agreed.

Note that all the while I was visiting her family in Lagos, it was only her mom's people that were present. I asked after her dad's siblings and they said they were in the village. I told her its necessary to be in good rapport with her dads people as they are the major deciders.

I requested for her dad's brothers contact so he will help me on some things since he will be standing as her dad. I called him and we started making plans. Few days later, my babe called me that my uncle told her 'I wont be around on the late dads rite, that ill send my younger brother'...i was shocked and angry and told her I never said that. my instincts told me its false as they wanted the TM to be in Lagos. The next day, her mom and sister called and were telling me they don't like the way I'm calling the uncle and asking him things.

It was a heated argument and I told them I've called off the wedding plans, we exchanged words and I hung up. The uncle called me next day and I told him what my babe said and he said he never said such. I told him my family said I should pause wedding plans for now so I don't enter a family where there's no unity. I told him to call my babe's mom and ask her what she wants since shes not cool with me calling him.

He pleaded but I stood my ground. I love her but it seems all is not well and I cant risk it. I need your advice.

Just flee from the marriage, it an indication that the mother is in control of her children and will manipulate her even after you married her. This is a red flag.

adaperry25:
My fiancee and I are from the East and engaged her last month. All medical and background checks have been done and are fairly ok.

There are red flags here.

1. The mother of the bride is not in good terms with her late husband family.

2. The mother wants to marry out the girl without proper consultation with the girl father family

3. The girl is on the mother side and against you. She will be against you in most decisions in the marriage. The mother will end up running your home when you marry her.

4. The mother, the sister and the girl in the house, no mention of a manly figure within them. Because of such homes, women that grow up in such environment are usually difficult to handle by any man. In fact, majority of toxic feminists have this background.

Let me stop here now. But, if you are my blood younger brother, we will terminate the marriage plan entirely.

adaperry25:
My fiancee and I are from the East and engaged her last month. All medical and background checks have been done and are fairly ok. Now here's where the issue lies:

Her dad is late, and in their village, there's a rite that must be done for the late dad before any TM. I told her I would like both TM and white wedding to be done in the village since we are both from the same state and it'll be easy for me so I know I'm done with any wedding. she disagreed citing that she wanted her friends, colleagues, and family to be present as they cant travel due to the economy. I considered so it wont look like I'm selfish and I wanted my people to be present more. I agreed to do the white wedding in our current base to balance up everything.

Few weeks later, her elder sister suggested we do the late dad's rite only in the village , then come to lagos and do the TM citing that's the way she did hers as they don't want people who weren't there for them to reap where they didn't sow. I disagreed and told them I gave my sisters hand in marriage last year and both TM and white were done in the village to make everything easy. Also told her most TM I attend are done in the village. They reluctantly agreed and stuck to the initial plan but said we should do it on a low key of which I agreed.

Note that all the while I was visiting her family in Lagos, it was only her mom's people that were present. I asked after her dad's siblings and they said they were in the village. I told her its necessary to be in good rapport with her dads people as they are the major deciders.

I requested for her dad's brothers contact so he will help me on some things since he will be standing as her dad. I called him and we started making plans. Few days later, my babe called me that my uncle told her 'I wont be around on the late dads rite, that ill send my younger brother'...i was shocked and angry and told her I never said that. my instincts told me its false as they wanted the TM to be in Lagos. The next day, her mom and sister called and were telling me they don't like the way I'm calling the uncle and asking him things.

It was a heated argument and I told them I've called off the wedding plans, we exchanged words and I hung up. The uncle called me next day and I told him what my babe said and he said he never said such. I told him my family said I should pause wedding plans for now so I don't enter a family where there's no unity. I told him to call my babe's mom and ask her what she wants since shes not cool with me calling him.

He pleaded but I stood my ground. I love her but it seems all is not well and I cant risk it. I need your advice.

I for say run o buh fleeeeee is the better word

I would advice you keep your calm and allow them settle their differences with the uncle. Let your fiancee understand you would rather want peace in the future than a situation where you guys have to keep watching your backs.

Asquare84:
Just flee from the marriage, it an indication that the mother is in control of her children and will manipulate her even after you married her. This is a red flag.

If a mother can't control her children, who should control them?

OP, you guys just like creating trouble for yourselves unnecessarily. Are you getting married to the girl or her uncle? Do you think aside pocketing the bride price that the uncle cares about the girl or her family?

The sister has clearly told you they don't want opportunist reaping from where they didn't so, but you still want to boss them around.

Honestly, the girl is stupid for wanting to get married to a guy who doesn't respect her mom. If she were my sister, she will get a resetting slap.

African men only remember tradition when it's convenient. If the same mother in-law tells you to train her other kids because tradition demands so, you will start grumbling.

Just forget about getting married because that marriage will not work out. Go and look for a traditional girl that you can control and let this lady be.

It is obvious that your fiancée and her mom hiding something for you,why are they reluctant to host the TM in your village, since both of you from the same state,why is it that they don't want to involve her dad's family?.
Bro shine your eyes, make dem no go use you. Don't be a simp!

We4all:
OP, you guys just like creating trouble for yourselves unnecessarily. Are you getting married to the girl or her uncle? Do you think aside pocketing the bride price that the uncle cares about the girl or her family?

The sister has clearly told you they don't want opportunist reaping from where they didn't so, but you still want to boss them around.

Honestly, the girl is stupid for wanting to get married to a guy who doesn't respect her mom. If she were my sister, she will get a resetting slap.

African men only remember tradition when it's convenient. If the same mother in-law tells you to train her other kids because tradition demands so, you will start grumbling.

Just forget about getting married because that marriage will not work out. Go and look for a traditional girl that you can control and let this lady be.

Train her other kids? People like you and sense of entitlement.

adaperry25:
My fiancee and I are from the East and engaged her last month. All medical and background checks have been done and are fairly ok. Now here's where the issue lies:

Her dad is late, and in their village, there's a rite that must be done for the late dad before any TM. I told her I would like both TM and white wedding to be done in the village since we are both from the same state and it'll be easy for me so I know I'm done with any wedding. she disagreed citing that she wanted her friends, colleagues, and family to be present as they cant travel due to the economy. I considered so it wont look like I'm selfish and I wanted my people to be present more. I agreed to do the white wedding in our current base to balance up everything.

Few weeks later, her elder sister suggested we do the late dad's rite only in the village , then come to lagos and do the TM citing that's the way she did hers as they don't want people who weren't there for them to reap where they didn't sow. I disagreed and told them I gave my sisters hand in marriage last year and both TM and white were done in the village to make everything easy. Also told her most TM I attend are done in the village. They reluctantly agreed and stuck to the initial plan but said we should do it on a low key of which I agreed.

Note that all the while I was visiting her family in Lagos, it was only her mom's people that were present. I asked after her dad's siblings and they said they were in the village. I told her its necessary to be in good rapport with her dads people as they are the major deciders.

I requested for her dad's brothers contact so he will help me on some things since he will be standing as her dad. I called him and we started making plans. Few days later, my babe called me that my uncle told her 'I wont be around on the late dads rite, that ill send my younger brother'...i was shocked and angry and told her I never said that. my instincts told me its false as they wanted the TM to be in Lagos. The next day, her mom and sister called and were telling me they don't like the way I'm calling the uncle and asking him things.

It was a heated argument and I told them I've called off the wedding plans, we exchanged words and I hung up. The uncle called me next day and I told him what my babe said and he said he never said such. I told him my family said I should pause wedding plans for now so I don't enter a family where there's no unity. I told him to call my babe's mom and ask her what she wants since shes not cool with me calling him.

He pleaded but I stood my ground. I love her but it seems all is not well and I cant risk it. I need your advice.

firstly, we urhobos dey marry girl only for her papa and his people place.nofin concern is with mama and her people, whether the father marry the mama or not. Whether e take care of her or not, whether the father don die or not. No be that nonsense wey that pedophile senator Ned nwoko marry girl and pay bride price to her mama and her people. without meeting her papa.secondly, that rite matter no be your concern. It's theirs.besides,her elder sister don do am when she wan wed. Abinna again and again ? Thirdly, na her mum go be una husband if u marry.it seems na women ring be her immediate family. That is a red flag oh. No man. They will be dominating u. Make I no talk wetin dey my mind finish.

yungchop:
Train her other kids? People like you and sense of entitlement.

Really? Since he insists on involving her uncles because tradition demands so, he shouldn't complain when the family starts demanding because that is expected of an African marriage. How is that a sense of entitlement?

From doing 1 of 2 in the village, they are now pushing for 2/2 at Lagos. Push back and tell em both will be at the village as you initially suggested.

adaperry25:
yes, I have apologized but why are they lying about their dads brother all because they want everything in Lagos. its a subtle red flag that theyre the controlling type

You know they are waving red flags, what other advice are you seeking?

You never see wife.

Thank you all for your advice. It meant a lot to me.

I prayed over everything and decided to chat my babe up since we have not spoken for 3 days. I did that for 2 reasons:

1. To maintain communication and let her know we aren't enemies

2. To know her mindset and that of her family.

Babe was trying to gaslight me that I'm the cause of everything and I broke her heart and hopes. That I disrespected her mom by arguing on the phone and hanging up. She refused to digest the contents of the argument even when I made her to understand she lied to me and she should make up with her dad's family.

She said she's not begging me to marry her and her family has the right to do the TM anywhere they choose.

I decided to keep mute to avoid escalating the issue.

The wedding plans is finally TERMINATED.

adaperry25:
Thank you all for your advice. It meant a lot to me.

I prayed over everything and decided to chat my babe up since we have not spoken for 3 days. I did that for 2 reasons:

1. To maintain communication and let her know we aren't enemies

2. To know her mindset and that of her family.

Babe was trying to gaslight me that I'm the cause of everything and I broke her heart and hopes. That I disrespected her mom by arguing on the phone and hanging up. She refused to digest the contents of the argument even when I made her to understand she lied to me and she should make up with her dad's family.

She said she's not begging me to marry her and her family has the right to do the TM anywhere they choose.

I decided to keep mute to avoid escalating the issue.

The wedding plans is finally TERMINATED.

You did what every mature man would've done by asking about her dad relatives, but at the same time, you have no business mending into their affair as family.

Since the purpose of you to have Traditional marriage in the village is for your own people to attend too, you don't have any business with them but to stick to your plan. Whoever they bring forth as father inlaw should be OK by you.

And this my advise to you; be careful of a family headed by a woman who doesn't want to associate with her inlaws in such an important occassion like wedding. She was probably the one caused havoc between her late husband and his family. She is a bitter woman, who was probably the centre of controversy between her late husband and his family. She is a kind of woman that probably don't tolerate any family members around her husband. The implication is that, her daughter will do the same to you 100%.

Women and their tendencies to take irrational decisions! I recently got to know and appreciate the reason why people have always said women are not the best in keeping peaceful families! They must always use their poor emotional control to tear families apart. Ask that your fiancee's mom what wrong her husband's siblings did to her and you'll realize it could just be some frivolous reasons!

This is same reason why children raised by most single moms have one fault or the other.

My advice to you,op, is to stick to your gun and insist that for the marriage to continue, your fiancee's paternal family must be fully carried along because in Igbo culture and traditions, they're the only people entitled to give their daughter's hands in marriage to you.

Family matters are generally complicated especially since the Dad is late. You really don't know the reason why they are avoiding some relatives.

These things are deep, you are not in any position to tell her or her mum to mend with the Dad's family. You let them sort their family issues themselves.


You also did bad by hanging up on the mum it's disrespectful.

It's okay if you do not want to marry again, you have a right to that.

Family, wife and inlaw issues are not always black and white. A very high percentage of families don't have the 'unity' you are talking about, if you see it a lot of it is fake.

What lots do is to fake it and get the event done for the sake of their daughter which they should have done by the way. Those same uncles can also frustrate the intending husband.

NoToPile:
Family matters are generally complicated especially since the Dad is late. You really don't know the reason why they are avoiding some relatives.

These things are deep, you are not in any position to tell her or her mum to mend with the Dad's family. You let them sort their family issues themselves.


You also did bad by hanging up on the mum it's disrespectful.

It's okay if you do not want to marry again, you have a right to that.

Family, wife and inlaw issues are not always black and white. A very high percentage of families don't have the 'unity' you are talking about, if you see it a lot of it is fake.

What lots do is to fake it and get the event done for the sake of their daughter which they should have done by the way. Those same uncles can also frustrate the intending husband.

pls can u assist me with any amount to feed pls 🙏