₦airaland Forum

When Love for a Child Becomes a Battle

I married my ex-wife in November 2020, after we had our daughter in March 2020. About a year into the marriage, her attitude changed. she became disrespectful, careless, and ignored my happiness. I complained, but she didn’t care. In October 2022, she returned my bride price and left with our daughter, who was 3 years old then.

In April 2025, I reached out to ask if she still wanted to come back before I remarried. She wished me well and gave me the go-ahead. I got remarried in May 2025, but immediately after, she blocked me on calls and WhatsApp and restricted me from my daughter. I still pay her school fees and buy her clothes, but I cannot spend even a full day with her. She’s 5 now, and I feel like she’s being used against me.

Now I’m torn: should I keep fighting for more access to my daughter, or focus on my new marriage and trust that one day my daughter will understand I never abandoned her? Please share your advice with me. I need guidance from those who may have been through this.

Try run DNA, she knows she's not your daughter that was why she blocked you and ran away with her

My brother dont abandon your daughter due to the irritating and rational attitude of the mother i advice you to follow legal means to get access to your daughter since you still take care of her upkeeps and fees that will be the best choice get a female human right lawyer to carry out that duty for you.

Hello,

Your story sounds sad, but may I ask:

Before you remarried, did you have a prior child arrangement with your ex? If you did, why not continue with that?

Did anything happen between you and your ex, after remarriage? Be honest here.

Have you sat down with your new wife and told her "this child is important to me, no wahala from you, you better be ready to be her friend and aunt even if you can't love her"?

In the 2 previous years of separation, did your daughter meet your new wife?

Have you sat down with your ex and assured her that this new woman will in no way maltreat your child?

Reason I'm asking these is because this is your side of the story. And I've lived long to know that there may be another side of the story.

Also, Nigerians aren't raised on Love.

It's hard to be a stepmother for Oyinbo people (whose society tells them to even care for stray animals on the road). But in Nigeria, we value nothing. So out of 10 women who swear they will love your child, only 1 will do it once the ring is on her finger. Your ex may be aware of this and may be limiting access to your child before she hears "Daddy's wife slapped me".

So you have to make sure all parties involved are clear: your child is more important than any woman.

Get a lawyer, draft out a proper visitation and child upkeep agreement, send to your ex and then hear what she has to say. Also sit down with her and assure her your child will be safe, her safety comes first before your wants.

And ensure your new wife knows this and knows this very well. Like seriously. Because I don't even trust myself to be a Stepmum to a young child and I really like kids.

(Personally, I think it's a bit rushed into a 2nd marriage and I would have strongly advised you wait).

PS: buying clothes and paying schoolfees doesn'take up for absence o. You should be PRESENT in her life, that means daily or weekly calls, weekend visits are a must, go to her school etc.

And if that is too much for you to do, because you have a new life and new wife, leave the child be. Another man will do the job.


(No, she won't come and look for you in her adulthood. None of my uncles' children did, even check online the stats for that are very bad but men keep getting bad advice and consoling themselves with "they will look for you" )

"Your child will look for you as an adult" is one of the WORST pieces of advice, crafted from hell itself and sent down to humanity.

It never works out. They will literally show up for curiosity or money or their own mess but rarely out of love. And when they've satisfied themselves, they'll leave.

One of the worst days of Tuface Idibia's life was the day he had to post "congratulations" under a picture of another man and his son, doing And Co and snapping pix to celebrate birthday.

Same thing happens to one of my uncles: he gets to watch another man be Dad and Grandpa to his son and his grandchildren.

My other uncle used to have to listen to his daughter end his calls with "Daddy is calling me, goodbye sir". He used to shed tears of blood.

If you don't want that, please be ACTIVELY in your child's life.

You said you recently got married in May 2025, did they say you won't/shouldn't give birth in this new marriage?

Anyway, you should ensure to keep all evidence of you catering to your first daughter financially and otherwise for future purpose.

Onojasteve:
I married my ex-wife in November 2020, after we had our daughter in March 2020. About a year into the marriage, her attitude changed — she became disrespectful, careless, and ignored my happiness. I complained, but she didn’t care. In October 2022, she returned my bride price and left with our daughter, who was 3 years old then.
In April 2025, I reached out to ask if she still wanted to come back before I remarried. She wished me well and gave me the go-ahead. I got remarried in May 2025, but immediately after, she blocked me on calls and WhatsApp and restricted me from my daughter. I still pay her school fees and buy her clothes, but I cannot spend even a full day with her. She’s 5 now, and I feel like she’s being used against me.
Now I’m torn: should I keep fighting for more access to my daughter, or focus on my new marriage and trust that one day my daughter will understand I never abandoned her? Please share your advice with me — I need guidance from those who may have been through this. Be honest with your advice please

This is one major reason why I frown on this whole traditional marriage nonsense.🥱🥱🥱

If you had, right after your ex had given back the bride price, gone straight to the courts to demand shared custody of your child, you likely wouldn't be here many years later, asking us if you should completely abandon the child to focus entirely on your new marriage. This is really sad here... this question you ask. And I pity the child the most in all of this.

Miyovwe:
✓ You said you recently got married in May 2025, did they say you won't/shouldn't give birth in this new marriage?
Anyway, you should ensure to keep all evidence of you catering to your first daughter financially and otherwise for future purpose.

Keep it fqr future, why? Because a child will be swayed by stories of how he/she had to be abandoned after his/her father remarried and decided it was too much of a hassle to continue support with the new marriage?