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A recent post by Dr Obembet, a pastor, on his Instagram page claimed marriage to be a distraction, not from his own dreams and desires, but for his wife, as he goes on to explain how he used marriage as a weapon to deny his wife of her dream and her ambition of becoming a medical doctor.

A post on TikTok to pastor Seyi Obembet's revelation on how he weaponized marriage as a tool against his wife's dream, is the following from a sociologist on how marriage in African culture serves as a tool for men to diminish their women — their goals, dreams, and life— in general to that which the men in their lives can better control and manipulate in their favor(note, not the woman's).

https://www.tiktok.com/video/7574046500011920651?is_from_webapp=1&sender_device=pc&web_id=7540082781738124831

One of the responses to the video above came from a Dr Zeeta, a sociologist, on TikTok explaining how marriage in African culture serves as a tool for men to diminish their women — their goals, dreams, and life— in general, to that which the men in their lives can better control and manipulate in their favor(not the woman's).

This is definitely not a person an ambitious woman should marry, for he will not progress in life and nor will he allow those around him to progress.

Whatever works for whoever is fine....

budaatum:
This is definitely not a person an ambitious woman should marry, for he will not progress in life and nor will he allow those around him to progress.

He not only undermined her achievement, making public the fact that he intentionally used their marriage to reduce her, but it was a strategic attempt by him to humiliate that woman even further. That pastor literally hates the woman he calls his wife.

Kobojunkie:
He not only undermined her achievement, making public the fact that he intentionally used their marriage to reduce her, but it was a strategic attempt by him to humiliate that woman even further. That pastor literally hates the woman he calls his wife.

And the small man is rejoicing that he intentionally used their marriage to humiliate and reduce his own wife, and his future too.

And in the future when she resents him for killing her future, some here will blame the woman.

Immatex:
➜Being happily married to a loyal woman (SPDAZZY) for 10 years and I will always count my marriage a blessing from God. Never being insensitive to her demands but has proven to be Godly, virtuous, loving wife and mother, something now quite rear about this generation of women. Our commitment is for happily ever after! By the way, she’s also very brilliantly and only recently became a phd holder from a UK top university.

How do you define what it means to be happily married?

Kobojunkie:
How do you define what it means to be happily married?

A happy marriage is attainable even though there no perfect marriages.

A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.

Marriage is the union of two imperfect persons from varying backgrounds and with different personalities yet if they make the effort to live by the golden rule- treat each other like they will like to be treated and closely follow God’s marital guidelines as set out in the Holy Bible, they will be truly happy.

My marriage has not being without its challenges but by continuing to show unselfish love for one another, by cultivating and displaying fruitages of the Holy Spirit like love, joy, patience, kindness, long suffering and endurance, we are not only happy but prospering in our marital lives.

Yes you can be happy and fulfilled in your marriage even with occasional challenges.

Do not demand perfection from your spouse, respect the marital headship arrangement, love your spouse unselfishly, remain faithful and loyal- don’t scheme to leave your marriage, speak truth to one another and allow God and word be your guide then your marriage will surely succeed!

Immatex:
➜A happy marriage is attainable even though there no perfect marriages. A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.
Marriage is the union of two imperfect persons from varying backgrounds and with different personalities yet if they make the effort to live by the golden rule- treat each other like they will like to be treated and closely follow God’s marital guidelines as set out in the Holy Bible, they will be truly happy.
➜ My marriage has not being without its challenges but by continuing to show unselfish love for one another,
➜ by cultivating and displaying fruitages of the Holy Spirit like love, joy, patience, kindness, long suffering and endurance, we are not only happy but prospering in our marital lives.
Yes you can be happy and fulfilled in your marriage even with occasional challenges. Do not demand perfection from your spouse, respect the marital headship arrangement, love your spouse unselfishly, remain faithful and loyal- don’t scheme to leave your marriage, speak truth to one another and allow God and word be your guide then your marriage will surely succeed!

I sense the reason why you keep needing to throw in the term Imperfect — if perfection is impossible with humans then the word itself is meaningless when discussing human relationships— has something to do with needing to provide some excuse for what you privately consider an acceptable level of evil or abuse within this idea you refer to as a happy marriage. Am I wrong?

2. Life itself is full of challenges— every human being, whether married or single. You rarely find single individuals declaring their life to be happy because there needs to be an extraordinary situation that makes a life a happy one. I am interested in knowing exactly what it is that makes a marriage a happy one. 🥱🥱🥱

3. 10s of millions of married Christians make the same claims, yet the divorce/spousal abandonment rate, domestic violence/abuse rates, etc, among married Christians is no different than that of those who don't even believe in a deity. So, how do we measure this

Immatex:
My marriage has not being without its challenges but by continuing to show unselfish love for one another, by cultivating and displaying fruitages of the Holy Spirit like love, joy, patience, kindness, long suffering and endurance, we are not only happy but prospering in our marital lives.

How do you measure the presence or absence of these things, given that there are no clear visible differences to be seen between those who claim to have a happy marriage and those who don't, on the most part? 🥱🥱🥱

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The OP on this thread clearly depicts a pastor who used marriage to debase his wife(he was a doctor himself before he became a pastor, and then chose to snuff out his wife's dream of becoming a pastor by using his marriage to her against her and then recently went on to humiliate her for ending up with an online masters degree after all her fuzz). He too pretends to be happily married and would deploy that same slosh of words about love, joy, patience, kindness, and holyspiritzz when asked about it. So, I really want to learn why the use of the word happy to express even a damaged situation.

Also, you probably need to look up the meaning of the word "Endurance".

en·dur·ance

➜the fact or power of enduring an unpleasant or difficult process or situation without giving way.
➜ the capacity of something to last or to withstand wear and tear.
➜ denoting or relating to a race or other sporting event that takes place over a long distance or otherwise demands great physical stamina.

It’s no surprise that you and persons like you hold a very pessimistic view of marriage.
I am not sure if you are male of female however your pessimism is really deeply rooted and so responding to you might actually be a waste of my time and energy or simply and academic exercise.

For your point number 1, I will ask you: are humans perfect?, do you know anyone who is? Are you perfect?

If you seek perfection with no tolerance for errors, you bring needless frustration on yourself.

It is wisdom for a man to overlook the small errors of his fellow men because you are not blameless.
The Bible correctly says: love covers a multitude of sins.


Happiness is relative not absolute. It’s also a personal decision to choose happiness which comes from contentment- the knowledge that you can’t achieve absolute happiness in this world.
Modesty is also key to happiness, modesty is the realisation that neither or others are perfect and that expectations should be within human abilities.


It’s your choice to dwell on the negatives but to insinuate that there are no fulfilled marriages is a dangerous conclusion. So speak for yourself not for everyone.

Separation and divorce is allowed where there clear cases of infidelity, abuse and intolerance etc.
Being happy in marriage today does not mean being happy forever, it’s a work in progress except you’re being unrealistic or just want to ridicule others.

Plus if you unhappy, don’t insist others are.




I don’t suppose this part has anything to do with me even as it’s your right to be pessimistic.
But my happiness is based on tangible evidences rooted not on being fault-finding but endeavouring to see the good in my wife and appreciating the efforts she makes. The Bible which I believe you despise enjoins husbands to love their wives as they love themselves adding that since no man ever hates himself but feeds and cherishes his own body, husbands must likewise love their wives and wives in return show deep respect to their husbands. Here’s the secret to a happy and fulfilled marriage.
Given you selfish and unforgiving disposition, this is beyond your comprehension.

Endurance as used here is same as long-suffering or patience as stated at Galatians 5:22,23 and denotes calm endurance, forbearance, and slowness to anger not an acceptance of inhuman abuse.

Conclusively, I must say that I am happy in and with my marriage. I do not require your permission or advice to reach this conclusion.

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Immatex:
➜Endurance as used here is same as long-suffering or patience as stated at Galatians 5:22,23 and denotes calm endurance, forbearance, and slowness to anger not an acceptance of inhuman abuse.
➜ Conclusively, I must say that I am happy in and with my marriage. I do not require your permission or advice to reach this conclusion.

But longsuffering or patience as used in that Galatians 5 vs 22 - 23 was not used in reference to marriage but rather to a life for those who are part of the Kingdom of God of Israel. (And according to the one whose Kingdom it is — Jesus Christ of Israel(and he condoned abuse of his being, mind you)— your marriages are not a part of the Kingdom of God that he represents.) So, why invoke a definition from outside of the context that is marriage?

2. I am suggesting that you cannot say that, but I am trying to ascertain what the parameters one has to meet to come to that conclusion, since, again, even the Pastor indicated in the OP of this thread here, a man who literally hates his wife, also claims that he is happily married.

Kobojunkie:
But longsuffering or patience as used in that Galatians 5 vs 22 - 23 was not used in reference to marriage but rather to a life for those who are part of the Kingdom of God of Israel. (And according to the one whose Kingdom it is — Jesus Christ of Israel(and he condoned abuse of his being, mind you)— your marriages are not a part of the Kingdom of God that he represents.) So, why invoke a definition from outside of the context that is marriage?

2. I am suggesting that you cannot say that, but I am trying to ascertain what the parameters one has to meet to come to that conclusion, since, again, even the Pastor indicated in the OP of this thread here, a man who literally hates his wife, also claims that he is happily married.

Suit yourself!

No use wasting precious energy on you!

By the way, I am not a Pastor and never claimed to be.

If you have evidence to the contrary that I am unhappy in my marriage, please feel free to supply or otherwise hold your peace!

I won’t dignify you with another response!

Immatex:
➜It’s no surprise that you and persons like you hold a very pessimistic view of marriage.
I am not sure if you are male of female however your pessimism is really deeply rooted and so responding to you might actually be a waste of my time and energy or simply and academic exercise.
➜ For your point number 1, I will ask you: are humans perfect?, do you know anyone who is? Are you perfect? If you seek perfection with no tolerance for errors, you bring needless frustration on yourself. It is wisdom for a man to overlook the small errors of his fellow men because you are not blameless. The Bible correctly says: love covers a multitude of sins.
➜ Happiness is relative not absolute. It’s also a personal decision to choose happiness which comes from contentment- the knowledge that you can’t achieve absolute happiness in this world. Modesty is also key to happiness, modesty is the realisation that neither or others are perfect and that expectations should be within human abilities.
➜ It’s your choice to dwell on the negatives but to insinuate that there are no fulfilled marriages is a dangerous conclusion. So speak for yourself not for everyone.
➜ Separation and divorce is allowed where there clear cases of infidelity, abuse and intolerance etc. Being happy in marriage today does not mean being happy forever, it’s a work in progress except you’re being unrealistic or just want to ridicule others. Plus if you unhappy, don’t insist others are.
➜ I don’t suppose this part has anything to do with me even as it’s your right to be pessimistic.
But my happiness is based on tangible evidences rooted not on being fault-finding but endeavouring to see the good in my wife and appreciating the efforts she makes. The Bible which I believe you despise enjoins husbands to love their wives as they love themselves adding that since no man ever hates himself but feeds and cherishes his own body, husbands must likewise love their wives and wives in return show deep respect to their husbands.
➜ Here’s the secret to a happy and fulfilled marriage. Given you selfish and unforgiving disposition, this is beyond your comprehension.
➜ Conclusively, I must say that I am happy in and with my marriage. I do not require your permission or advice to reach this conclusion.

My view of marriage comes from personal experience and that of those around me, and also from the numerous documented studies out there that have largely revealed that the vast majority of marriages out there are, in fact, toxic/abusive marriages. The permissism here is not mine but from the facts that are available to us in real records — not intangible ideas/delusions. Am I not allowed to digest reality as it is?

2. But the same book that you pretend to quote from also demands perfection— Be perfect even as your God of Israel is perfect;— from those who claim to be of that book. What this means is that you don't really believe in that book but use it only to try to justify what could obviously be pure wickedness, even in marriage. Just as I suspected, the only reason you introduced perfection as a measure is so you could use it to excuse possible shitty behavior in marriage.

3. Happiness is relative, and so when Pastor Seyi Obembet up there says he is happily married even as he abuses his wife, he is literally happily married?

4. Not once did I insinuate in any of my comments that there are no happily married individuals out there. I opened this thread to have you, as someone who claims to be happily married, to explain to me what exactly it means to be happily married in terms that humans can measure/quantify since it seems any Tom, Dick, and Harry out there, particularly in the religious world, can make that claim without providing a clear idea of what that even means.

5. Again, this isn't about me but about having someone who claims to be happily married explain to us in clear terms what this term really means. I keep using Pastor Obembet there as an example because his is not the atypical picture of what marriages among religious folks who invoke such unmeasurable terms like love, patience, holyspiritzz too.

By the way, there are literally so many people out there who hate themselves. Also, there are many men out there who hate their wives, like this Pastor Obembet man up there — he made sure she could not achieve her dreams in life and used his privilege in marriage over her to ensure this. That is hate.

6. I am selfish and unforgiven because I believe actions speak louder than words? WOW!

7. Of course, you, like everyone else out there, if free to say anything without needing to back it up with action. It's just that words alone literally mean nothing when their are no actions to back them up with or ways to measure the claims made.

Immatex:
➜ Suit yourself! No use wasting precious energy on you! By the way, I am not a Pastor and never claimed to be. If you have evidence to the contrary that I am unhappy in my marriage, please feel free to supply or otherwise hold your peace! I won’t dignify you with another response!

Again, this all started because you fed us word of mouth, which you wanted us to believe, or did you not? And we have this other guy who makes the same claim, but his actions tell us that this is instead a man who literally hates/detests the woman he is married to. So, why am I wrong in asking you to provide us with a way to measure your claim differently from this man's?

Kobojunkie:
Again, this all started because you fed us word of mouth, which you wanted us to believe, or did you not? And we have this other guy who makes the same claim, but his actions tell us that this is instead a man who literally hates/detests the woman he is married to. So, why am I wrong in asking you to provide us with a way to measure your claim differently from this man's?

1. You and other feminists are not the one to judge this pastor because it was his personal story, and he actually stated and I quote: "claimed marriage to be a distraction, not from his own dreams and desires, but for his wife."

2. From the way you make your inferences on this platform and your ideologies, one should be bold to say it was the wife of the pastor who was not serious with her goals.

Why?

(i) She could have divorced him if it wasn't working for her (this is often your school of thought).
(ii) Must she study abroad? She can enroll for medicine in any university in Nigeria, even private university.

3. She had a dream of becoming a med, but she had to marry first. Why not use her means to become a med before marriage?

4. So, her dream was to go abroad before she becomes a med. There are no medical schools in Nigeria.

budaatum:
And the small man is rejoicing that he intentionally used their marriage to humiliate and reduce his own wife, and his future too.

And in the future when she resents him for killing her future, some here will blame the woman.

1. What was your proof that the man hates his wife?

2. This story was posted by the man himself and he used it to pass a message. Except they will not marry, but the man and the woman have to make secrifices in a marital union.

3. Happiness is not something you can quatify or define for people. Some people write exams and pass, they are happy. Some are happy when you prepare their best meal for them.

3b. Happiness can be momentary. You, whatever happiness you had as a single, unmarried person, can be had by married people. In fact, happiness can be momentary, or for the long term, but it doesn't mean that it has to be everyday. "As long as you are alive and there is peace, happiness will come".

onlyhope:
1. You and other feminists are not the one to judge this pastor because it was his personal story, and he actually stated and I quote: "claimed marriage to be a distraction, not from his own dreams and desires, but for his wife."
2. From the way you make your inferences on this platform and your ideologies, one should be bold to say it was the wife of the pastor who was not serious with her goals.
➜Why?
(i) She could have divorced him if it wasn't working for her (this is often your school of thought).
(ii) Must she study abroad? She can enroll for medicine in any university in Nigeria, even private university.
➜ 3. She had a dream of becoming a med, but she had to marry first. Why not use her means to become a med before marriage?
➜4. So, her dream was to go abroad before she becomes a med. There are no medical schools in Nigeria.

1. You don't get to decide for others what they can judge or not judge. That man's entire platform as a pastor sets him up to judge indiscriminately, everyone he picks on out there. What makes you think that others can't play the Uno reverse card and judge him on his own words, too?

2. She was not serious about her goals, even though the Pastor admitted to his followers that he was, in fact, the one who decided against her going to do her medical program as her husband. Are you certain you are OK?

3. She could still do all that if she had maybe realized at this point that she is actually married and allowing her worst enemy to sit as a "head" over her in the marriage, as you religious folks like to claim for yourselves.

4. Many people out there marry before achieving their dreams. Marriage in and of itself is never the problem. It is who you are married to, in this case, this use of marriage as a shackle —a literal weapon against the individual freedoms of their wives in marriage—that is typical of religious men, that is the major problem here. This exact same pattern is typical in Islam as well.

5. There is no template for dreams. As Dr Zeeta, a sociologist, on TikTok(link is found in the second comment) explained, if that same man had wanted to travel abroad to study, even after marriage, nothing would have stood in the way of him doing just that, not even his kids.

Kobojunkie:
1. You don't get to decide for others what they can judge or not judge. That man's entire platform as a pastor sets him up to judge indiscriminately, everyone he picks on out there. What makes you think that others can't play the Uno reverse card and judge him on his own words, too?

2. She was not serious about her goals, even though the Pastor admitted to his followers that he was, in fact, the one who decided against her going to do her medical program as her husband. Are you certain you are OK?

1. You should be the one who should get checked whether you are okay. Are you certain you are ok? At least many people on this platform attest that your cognitive ability is in doubt!

2. Women want the man to be the sole provider, so, logically, the sole provider will make moves that bring in more cash into the household. Moreover, if he makes the more money, that's more money to spend for the house. A woman wants to make money, while keeping the bulk of it for her use. She decides if she will use any for her immediate family or use for other things, unlike a man who must provide for his family compulsorily.

3. Dr. Zeeta or not, by the way, the Dr. is human, not a deity, and again, TikTok is just a social media platform to chase clout! I insist the lady could have achieved her dreams if she wanted. The fact that she chose to stay in the marriage shows her complacency with the no-futher-study arrangement.

4. You can judge all you want, but it does change the fact that everyone makes sacrifices in a relationship. Many men had to abandon their dreams for the family. It happens both ways.

onlyhope:
1. What was your proof that the man hates his wife?

Not proof. Evidence. And his own words are the evidence.

Besides, I have full belief that you will not say you are loved by someone who limits your ambition and your progression in life for their own selfish desires as this man has done.

I am also of the opinion that a person who talks gleefully about limiting the ambition of another as this man has done does not love that person.

Now, it is very posible that you might disagree with the above, and that you will personally love someone who limits your ambition and life progression, but please know that I have also met people who love their abusers.

https://www.thehotline.org/resources/why-do-i-love-my-abuser/

onlyhope:
....but the man and the woman have to make secrifices in a marital union.

Yet, note how this horrible selfish man is unwilling to make sacrifice for his wife's ambition.

Or is it the wife alone that must sacrifice, in your own opinion?

Kobojunkie:
One of the responses to the video above came from a Dr Zeeta, a sociologist, on TikTok explaining how marriage in African culture serves as a tool for men to diminish their women — their goals, dreams, and life— in general, to that which the men in their lives can better control and manipulate in their favor(not the woman's).

Sadly in life women get what they bargain for. A woman who cannot see a user or a manipulative man within one week is mostly because she has the same tendencies. Birds of a feather flock together

Kobojunkie:
He not only undermined her achievement, making public the fact that he intentionally used their marriage to reduce her, but it was a strategic attempt by him to humiliate that woman even further. That pastor literally hates the woman he calls his wife.

Me I cannot understand why people have bad marriages. I excaped all my former girlfriends who cheated on me, I excaped all the women who constantly put me down. Then I found one who didn't then got married. The key to life is know who you are and no what you want.

KobolanderSegun:
✓ Me I cannot understand why people have bad marriages. I excaped all my former girlfriends who cheated on me, I excaped all the women who constantly put me down. Then I found one who didn't then got married. The key to life is know who you are and no what you want.

When you are dealing with humans, even the one whom you believed was perfect could turn out an enemy at the end of the day, and this is not to say that it is because of no fault of yours,by the way. 🥱🥱

KobolanderSegun:
✓ Sadly in life women get what they bargain for.
✓ A woman who cannot see a user or a manipulative man within one week is mostly because she has the same tendencies. Birds of a feather flock together

That statement is as silly as claiming all men get exactly what they bargain for...a very silly conclusion to reach of life at any point. 🥱🥱

2. I see you have yet to learn enough of relationship lessons in life. Check back with us about a couple of years from now to let us know if you still reason this way then too. 🥱🥱

KobolanderSegun:
Sadly in life women get what they bargain for. A woman who cannot see a user or a manipulative man within one week is mostly because she has the same tendencies. Birds of a feather flock together

You make it sound easy to detect a scammer in one week.

Are you yourself that good a detective?

budaatum:
You make it sound easy to detect a scammer in one week.

Are you yourself that good a detective?

In the past I dated women with questionable character and I knew they had questionable character. There is something called " Intuition ". Intuition is one of the ways humans are wired to safeguard their safety.

So I know those women had extremely questionable character from the jump but why did I date them ? Why did they become my girlfriend.

Apart from both being extremely beautiful and very heavily endowed with all options I was going through hell forming my company and working round the clock, they were both fantastic at motivating me to work harder.

Also I had banged one before she told me she had an illness that was genetic, I thought of dumping her not because of the illness but because she was into runs but I didn't want to be like the other guys who had hit and run, I saw she was in so much hurt over her past boyfriends so I stayed then it was perfect for One month till I looked at her phone and saw chats with rich men confirming what I had suspected from day one. I spent the next 4 months trying to break up with her, then she broke up with me and married. I was overjoyed.

The next one was two years later and I knew immediately she was too forward with men, when a woman is very friendly with strangers it stems from liking men too much. As usual two months in I found out her life's story and spent four months try to escape the relationship.

The problem was I did not know how to generate my own love that is why I got in those relationships knowing fully well they would not lead to marriage but I have no regrets at all, I only move with women that motivate me.