₦airaland Forum

By Chuck Derry

For many years, Chuck Derry facilitated court-mandated groups for men who batter.
One night, he started the group by asking the men what they thought the benefits were of their violence. At first, they all looked at each other (notably) and said, “There are no benefits.” This did not surprise him, as men who batter routinely deny their actions—as they deny their intents as well. So he said, “Well, there must be some benefits from the violence; otherwise, why would you do it?” They looked at each other again, and then one guy started admitting there were benefits, and then they all chimed in.

Now, right before we get into the list, let me tell you why this is so important. Victims of abuse typically think he(the abuser) couldn't possibly be abusing them on purpose, right, or that it must be childhood trauma, or that he may just have problems controlling his emotions like a toddler throwing tantrums, etc. The fact, however, is far from all of that. It is merely about the calculated need for power and control in the relationship.

Here is a list of the benefits of violence that abusive men cited:
➜She’s scared and won’t go out and spend money
➜Get your way: go out
➜Respect
➜She won’t argue
➜Feeling superior: she’s accountable to me in terms of being somewhere on time: I decide
➜Keeps the relationship going—she’s too scared to leave
➜Get the money
➜Get sex
➜Total control in decision making
➜Use money for drugs
➜Don’t have to change for her
➜Power
➜Decide where to go (as a couple)
➜Who to see
➜What to wear
➜Control the children
➜If she’s late, she won’t be again
➜Intimidation
➜She’s scared & can’t confront me
➜Can convince her she’s screwin’ up
➜She feels less worthy, so she defers to my needs and wants
➜She will look up to me and accept my decisions without argument
➜Decide her social life—what she wears, so you can keep your image by how she acts
➜She’s to blame for the battering
➜She’s an object
➜(I get) a robot babysitter, maid, sex, food
➜Ego booster
➜She tells me I’m great
➜Bragging rights
➜If she works—get her money
➜Get her to quit her job so she can take care of the house
➜Isolate her so friends can’t confront me
➜Decide how money is spent
➜“I’m the breadwinner.”
➜Buy the toys I want
➜Take time for myself
➜She has to depend on me if I break her stuff
➜Get to know everything
➜She’s a nurse-maid
➜She comforts me
➜Supper on the table
➜Invite friends over w/o her knowing = more work for her
➜No compromise = more freedom
➜Don’t have to listen to her complaints about not letting her know stuff
➜She works for me
➜I don’t have to help out
➜I don’t have to hang out with her or the kids
➜Don’t have to get up, take out garbage, watch kids, do dishes, get up at night with kids, do laundry, change diapers, clean house, bring kids to appointments or activities, mop floors, clean refrigerator, etc.
➜Answer to nobody
➜Do what you want, when you want to
➜Get to ignore/deny your history of violence and other irresponsible behavior
➜Get to write history
➜Get to determine the future
➜Determine what values kids have—who they play with, what school they go to, or getting to ignore the process—dictating what they “need” food, clothes, recreation, etc.
➜Dictate reality, etc.
➜Kids on my side against her
➜Kids do what I say
➜Mold kids/her so that they will help do what I should do
➜Keeps kids quiet about abuse
➜Choose battles & what it will cost her
➜Proves your superiority
➜Win all the arguments
➜Don’t have to listen to her wishes, complaints, anger, fears, etc.
➜Make the rules, then break them when you want
➜So she won’t get help against you for past beatings because she has no friends to support her, and she is confused by my lies
➜Convince her she’s nuts
➜Convince her she’s unattractive
➜Convince her she’s to blame
➜Convince her she’s the problem
➜I can dump on her
➜Can use kids to “spy” on mom
➜Kids won’t tell mom what I did
➜Kids won’t disagree with me
➜Don’t have to talk to her
➜I’m king of the castle
➜Can make yourself scarce
➜Have someone to unload on
➜Have someone to bitch at
➜She won’t call the police
➜Tell kids they don’t have to listen to mom
➜Get her to drop charges
➜Get her to support me to her family, my family, cops, judge, child welfare, prosecutors, etc.
➜Get her to admit it’s her fault

Chuck Derry then asked, “Why would they give up using violence?”
➜The men then responded with things like:
➜“get arrested,”
➜“divorce,”
➜“get protection orders taken out against you,”
➜“adult kids don’t invite you to their weddings,”
➜“Have to go to groups like this.”

Chuck Derry writes:
“This was the first time I fully comprehended the necessity of a consistent coordinated community response through the criminal, civil, and family court systems, which can mete out safe and effective interventions that hold men who batter accountable while preserving the safety of the women, girls, and boys they abuse.”

“It was on that day that I realized if I had to choose between providing batterer groups for men who batter or a consistently effective criminal and civil/family court response to domestic violence, I would choose the criminal and civil/family court response every time. There are just too many benefits gained from this behavior.”

To read the full article, please visit https://www.bwss.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/.

Dem full nairaland here,watch how dem go come start spew lubbish here.
Awon bateria batterers.

Most abusive men are yet to meet their match. Men can only abuse weak and overly dependent women. If you are that type of woman, then you have a long way to go.

Another gender activist needs a job, so creates reasons for the job

The list of benefits above, of supposed batterers is not a novelty. Women that go physical against their husbands in western countries knowing the repercussion will be minimal also do so for the same reasons quoted.

No news here

So u sit down type all this thing or na AI help you do the job Kai 😡

Jobless men everywhere

Tayorshd87:
So u sit down type all this thing or na AI help you do the job Kai 😡

Jobless men everywhere

Na woman be that, no be man

ChybuzzDD:
Na woman be that, no be man

I have seen a couple of her posts. Her own brand of feminism caught my attention. She has obviously never been loved by a man: probably raised by a man-hating single mother or a terrible father.

I used to have the urge to attack her comments but I now view them with pity.

We assume women cannot be abusive in relationships right? They are angelic beings whose farts don't stink?

Nnamdipapa:
We assume women cannot be abusive in relationships right? They are angelic beings whose farts don't stink?

Not true! We know that women are humans like men. However, in the vast majority of cases, men are mostly implicated when abuse or violence—including murder — is involved. About 137 girls/women are intentionally murdered every day by males in their family, or in relationships with them, making it essential to ensure women know the signs of abuse/toxicity. 🥱🥱🥱

We4all:
Most abusive men are yet to meet their match. Men can only abuse weak and overly dependent women. If you are that type of woman, then you have a long way to go.

I agree

louken:
I have seen a couple of her posts. Her own brand of feminism caught my attention. She has obviously never been loved by a man: probably raised by a man-hating single mother or a terrible father.

I used to have the urge to attack her comments but I now view them with pity.

Aswear!

We4all:
Most abusive men are yet to meet their match. Men can only abuse weak and overly dependent women. If you are that type of woman, then you have a long way to go.

2025 don expose those abusive men.both the religious and non religious ones.

Aside that I like as those violent men dey take their wives for granted and how them dey gradually push them out and replace them with baddies wey go carry their blokos outside for social media misandrists to drag.

Make una Keep up with the violence

Nobody go beg una to stop,don't stop.the prisoners need more people to join them

This explains why they always shout they want naive and inexperienced women.those ones no dey quick see through their Bullshit or know when they're abused plus they're easy be manipulated and toyed with.no wonder innocent church girls are usually the target

SAMBARRY:
2025 don expose those abusive men.both the religious and non religious ones.

Aside that I like as those violent men dey take their wives for granted and how them dey gradually push them out and replace them with baddies wey go carry their blokos outside for social media misandrists to drag.

Make una Keep up with the violence

Nobody go beg una to stop,don't stop.the prisoners need more people to join them

This explains why they always shout they want naive and inexperienced women.those ones no dey quick see through their Bullshit or know when they're abused plus they're easy be manipulated and toyed with.no wonder innocent church girls are usually the target

Very sad

Ask dcma.

Parental upbringing failed him.

MerchantMNT:
Another gender activist needs a job, so creates reasons for the job

The list of benefits above, of supposed batterers is not a novelty. Women that go physical against their husbands in western countries knowing the repercussion will be minimal also do so for the same reasons quoted.

No news here

Violence is the Hallmark of the unintelligent. People forget women and children are human and will always make mistakes like men. I'm still making mistakes till this day but I learn from my mistakes and don't repeat them. Women come from different families and backgrounds and it takes time for couples to see the same thing from the same lense. The best way to " train " a woman is through been an example, hard work, love , patience, gifts and patience and correct Gbola. One should never scream and shout at his woman a woman should not live in fear of her husband.

The only fear a woman should have is the fear of losing a wonderful man. If she no fear that one then she will collect Gbola outside and that is the end of the marriage.