₦airaland Forum

Thanks Bro.

I appreciate your comments nd there are lots of Fact in there… nd I love the respect nd choice of words…

But I still stand on my ground, Bible , Quran is not the option.. But Humanity is…. I have stayed long on thier earth nd I have those two religion have thier crazy impact on me.. which made me to decide I will not tend to any of those any more… I use to read those books, before I concluded NO more

Read LUKE 14 vs 26… understand that part …

Now read Quran 9: vs 5

My point we were humans first… nd humanity comes first…. Those books are not ment for Africans at alll…. Let me stop on those …


I think what I didn’t add to my comment is .. I am Yoruba she’s crossriver

Onegai:
My bro, let me tell a little something about me

Up until last year, you would never have seen me write "pray and read your Bible" anywhere.

In my (several 🧑‍🦳😭) decades on this earth, I had accepted that there was a God but He didn't really like me, He had his favourites. I had accepted that religion was an opium to sate the masses. When I was young, not only did I read the Bible as a historical novel (I studied The Old Testament Upto books like Maccabees), I read Greek classics (Homer, The Iliad, Odessey), attempted to read Russian classics (Anna Karenina, Love and War), studied European history and classics extensively, as well as East Asian history.

(My family's weird like that, my brother even read The Torah and the Quran for fun).

And now I tell people "there is a God and there is a devil, go read a Bible".

Why?

Because I simply cannot explain why the philosophy of the Bible makes so much sense and never contradicts Life's best decisions. Seriously. And I've seen things in my life and others (I'm on STEM, so I've noticed logic and mathetical patterns in the choices and decisions people make) to know the Bible is alive.

You see, Christianity is the main religion built on Love.

Especially compared to ancient religions like Mayan, Confucius, Egyptian mythology, German Mythology, Greek mythology etc.

Our Lord is the only Being who constantly goes "humanity is flawed. Yet My Love for them is unchanging. And I will do anything to keep loving them".

Those are powerful Words. And that is what we need most in this Life: to love.

So you'll see me watch Jerry Eze in the morning and watch Tim Keller in the evening.
(Everyone should watch Tim Keller).

I'm telling you to read your Bible and pray, so you have the wisdom to figure out what to do in the best possible manner. Because in this matter, you need WISDOM and CALM or you'll sow seeds of destruction that will make no sense in 5 years' time.

Because if I wanted to manipulate you, I'm intelligent enough to know what else to have added to my words😉

And I suspected you had spoken to her already, but she's being told not to trust you (there are so many horror stories of men sabotaging their wives and women hurting their husbands, nobody trusts anyone any longer).

So you must try Love. That's the only card left to play, that's your King of Hearts and Ace (if you played Black Jack, you'd understand that reference 🙂).

And what best example of love to emulate, than what God has shown us?

Scisne?

You are a man of wisdom, I like u point, But was asking for an advice to the purpose of my post …

Onegai:
I like Christy Bature because she tells women not to make idols of their marriages.

I like Dolapo Lawal because he tells men how to love properly and take on the mantle of responsibility in Life. He freely admits he comes from a broken home and a Muslim family and those shaped his views.

I truly marvel at Jerry Eze because I'm not sure he realizes the magnitude of prophetic power that sometimes flows through him.

Tim Keller was a philosopher, who truly wants you to understand how God's Heart works. He never once preached prosperity gospel.

I gently leave the rest alone.

Those are my picks

I get you. But as a man, those people , have thier secreat side… nd they can only trust one person to do thier bidding, I happen to be part of those nd if they trust me to do something nd I get my 2 cents from them.. why should. Wife be restricting me from that… when I bring the 2cent home she takes them nd utili3 … 😳

Onegai:
Cupcup, I noticed you mentioned working alongside a Deputy State Governor (somewhat boastfully), so let me also somewhat boast too and drop some advice:

I've gone on a date with a Retired Minister. I may spend Christmas with an immediate relative of the President. A Governor used to have to greet my mother with respect because she babysat him as a child (her family has money). Another President used to have lunch with my FiL. Forget Senators and Political Party leaders even.

And I can tell you this: dine with a long fork, with those guys.

Their bumbums are very gingerly perched on that seat, which is why they're always looking out for themselves. They know the money train won't last, they know once they leave office their phones will stop ringing and everyone will move on.

So they can owe you or screw you over without a backwards thought, as they're always looking out for themselves (nobody dey hustle pass dem).

My advice is simple: whatevee work you do for the Deputy Governor, find men and women who own their businesses and companies in the private sector and do it for them too. Because they're more stable, so that income will be more stable than depending on a man who is reliant on politics making him wealthy.

My 2 Kobo.

Bro, don’t get my message wrong, if that contribution of 90k is coming to the family … I will not complain .. those money goes to her parents nd buying hand bags , nd things that are not useful…. If the money. Comes in to support, I would have included in. The ones coming from her…

90k is her own monthly AJo wey those women dey do…. She had been doing since Jan now this is de … what’s the result

Onegai:
Did everyone miss the fact that he admitted she drops N90k and it is not enough?

Here:


So she's at least contributing something but right now he's too resentful and emotional to value it and if we encourage him, he will soon begin to see signs of "Narcissism, Bipolar, Toxic Abuse, Liability" etc in her. He's even mad she's tithing. She's even sharing how she spends her salary yet he's still angry.

He's so blinded by anger, resentment and more that he can't see it and he cannot communicate properly. Which is why I urged prayer and bible study: break the negative emotions and be calm. She's done some things wrong (taking money from the child's account and nor trusting him), but he's on the warpath and this is not the best thing for both of them.

I'm not trying to defend her, just that I've seen this story before and seen how it plays out. In 5 years' time, after the dust has settled, all he'll be able to say is "we had our differences, we were incompatible". He won't be able to be truthful and admit that it was his fault and her fault their marriage fell apart, goaded on by peer and societal pressure.

I keep shouting that the devil doesn't like the Covenant of Marriage, y'all keep underestimating him. Go and read Reddit, Douyin and social media apps from other countries, you'll see the same pattern constantly being repeated to the point that you'll be dumbfounded. Tunde, Li Chen and Bradley are all divorcing the same woman. Adanma, Ekaterina and Consuelo are all fighting the same man.

Don't that make you go 🤔

You think this world is merely physical?

You think there's a benevolent good somewhere but no malevolent evil to balance it out?

I know in my message you have missed some point … [quote author=Onegai post=137892521]Here you get it wrong… My anger is … bills are up high on me .. she’s not supporting nd she’s actively increasing the bills.. plus I am not even saying it all out..
Before I will get angry.. I have been shifted to the wall, I send. hands to her parent before.. I stopped it this Dec ever since I noticed they aid in making my home shatter. I am the only one in this fight… she’s in the fight with her entire family….

If you talk about prayer… her family dey cary church for head yet behave like a foolish person… how can u be soo. Deep in religion to the extent. Your mother doesn’t have ulcer … but yet they were nursing it for over a decade ?? I opened thier eyes to it.. by asking what this test result about the origin of ulcer… now they said no test… only a pastor talked about it…. ( do you see the stupidity in religion I talked about )


Not until I drove them to afriglobal ran a test nd it was just an infection that gre all long…

He's so blinded by anger, resentment and more that he can't see it and he cannot communicate properly. Which is why I urged prayer and bible study: break the negative emotions and be calm. She's done some things wrong (taking money from the child's account and nor trusting him), but he's on the warpath and this is not the best thing for both of them.

Now your responds shows some humanity I. You,

With no disrespect,

If you meet man who are married nd are still in married or not, Ask 100 how nd what happened. You will hear stories… now some women are out there trying to sabotage peoples marriage all in the name of fighting for women. What will you say about a woman who’s being wicked at home initially nd holding knife to pillow all the time.. You will call it self defence ? What about the one who’s always staying glue to sniper ? Nd threatening to drink it?


Humanity comes first, I don’t know you …. But if I see you having problems I aid in solving your problems…. More reason why I use the proverb of brother filling a basket… Too many things are wrong in this part of the world we live in.

I ask you again, What is the retirement plan of a man? When he is not being allowed to hussle when he can still? The world doesn’t revolve around women alone, Men’s mental health is 1000% important…

Would you rather ask a man to die because he want to please woman??

I use to keep a cash of 100k available Incase I am not arround …. How did she spend? On things that are not meaningful, I am too old to be drawn to such opinion of putting her in my budget as you said… if she wants that.. then she should stay at home let me go nd to the heavy work…

* I bath my daugter ,
* Take her to school to nd fro
* Pay her school fee ever since She started school
* Feeding at home
* still had medical plans for family

Yesterday she was crying heavily. About health, 1am what all that is happening if I choose to ignore… I will be tagged as wicked person, on getting to the hospital… she collected drip, I still stood there with my daugter nd we came back home 3:45 am..


What more can a man ask of PEACE OF MIND …

RE THINK, will you advices a male gender from your root… to not look after himself nd just be worshiping a woman ?

Kobojunkie:
Neither I nor my brothers or sons reason marriage the way you do. If you see your marriage as filling a basket with water, then I am with the other guy in calling for you to begin considering divorce. 🥱🥱🥱

In a partnership marriage, both partners are meant to partake in the dividends of the marriage... You are right to budget for everything that needs to be, but you forgot your wife and are here complaining that she is getting her share from other avenues. She is a partner, is she not? From your every explanation, she seems to be doing her part in the marriage while at the same time trying to get her share of the marital communal funds that belong to her. Why are you stuck on the idea that she deserves nothing? Does she not do her part in the marriage just like you? 🥱🥱

Hi

cupcup:
I know in my message you have missed some point …

Bros, I'm not missing your point at alllllll

You said bills are high on you, you feel she's not doing enough, you don't respect her family and believe they're interfering too much, you're stressed because country get wahala and maybe other things going on...all those are leading to ANGER and RESENTMENT.

Is that not what I said already? That you must deal with those and don't let anyone add kerosene to the flame.

Trust me, nobody who is getting a divorce started by wanting it, they were just angry and resentful.

You think you're the first? If I send you to Oyinbo Twitter, you'll find men and women saying the same things you're complaining about. Down to the "Mental Health" complaint sef.

Everything can be solved by love and communication.

Don't let the devil give you "evidence" that you made a "mistake" by marrying her.

When older folks tell couples their issues are little quarrels, the couple don't believe them and burn their marriage down. Then in 5-7 years' time, the tree of regret will be sufficiently big enough for them to be eating its fruit daily.

How is her family's religious ideas your concern? Her religious beliefs are the only thing to concern you and it's your job to lead her in that. Again, that's communication and wisdom.

Your mental health issues...bro, leave Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. So many people have been swayed during their craziests, most emotional moments to destroy their marriages from those places. Peer Influence from Social Media is real.

Your wife is not the cause of your deteriorating mental health. I know if I talk to her, she'll have a fulscap sheet of complaints about you and they'll all be valid.

She's not contributing enough, okay that means trying a different way of speaking to her and asking the One Being who can help you in this matter

See, if you want me to tell you she's a terrible person, burn your marriage down, I can't help you. But there are plenty people who will validate your anger and resentment for you and help you do so.

I just really understand and have seen Divorce, Separation so closely and so much, I don't want to see anyone go through it (unless necessary).

Maybe you should go to Igbosere High Court and listen to Divorce cases for a week.

If that is too far, come and spend Christmas in my family house and listen to all the male friends and relatives who walked down the same path you're on and it's 5-30 years later, regret is very plentiful, like party pack. None of them will allow their kids make the same mistakes they made.

Or talk to matured older lawyers who handle Family Law and ask for honest advice: they'll tell you to go home to your wife, if you leave her you'll jump from frying pan to fire.

If you had mentioned enough red flags, I won't be sounding like this. Your issues are so fixable but you need to calm down so much and you can't do it by yourself.

And I'm a woman 🙂 no, I'm not supporting my gender. If you were female, I'd say the same thing.

Brother,
No need of retracting ur words…. 90k is just for her own contributions not even to the house ooo,

Petrzoom:
I didn't see it initially so I'll retract that part thank you. What I'm against is giving the man hell when he's trying his best in today's economy. Things are not rosy at the moment so coming to still undermine the effort or frustrate is not good, a marriage will not work without both parties. There are also women who give their best to make the marriage work but the men are not responsible or lack self control with other women. If you can't sacrifice for your child then I don't know how it will keep on moving.

In all my years, I've seen only 5 divorces that made sense

2 were so much domestic violence, the man's family was showing up to beat his wife up violently, another the husband beat her till she lost a pregnancy.

3rd one, we found out his criminal record when the police showed up to arrest him...again

4th one, his wife and kids showed up to scatter everything and he then admitted that he was trying to surprise the new wife with polygamy.

5th one, even down to his school documents everything was forged. Thank God for American embassy for checking these things.

So why are the rest of us allowing anger and resentment clouding our judgement? Why are we letting the devil do this bad thing, ehn??

Thanks a lot,

I appreciate you…. This your last words eat deeper…. I am calmed nd I learnt not to get angry more reason why I kept lowkey…. With respect, Your words are valid…. She just called me to apologize for her mistakes this morning!

Onegai:
Hi

Bros, I'm not missing your point at alllllll

You said bills are high on you, you feel she's not doing enough, you don't respect her family and believe they're interfering too much, you're stressed because country get wahala and maybe other things going on...all those are leading to ANGER and RESENTMENT.

Is that not what I said already? That you must deal with those and don't let anyone add kerosene to the flame.

Trust me, nobody who is getting a divorce started by wanting it, they were just angry and resentful.

You think you're the first? If I send you to Oyinbo Twitter, you'll find men and women saying the same things you're complaining about. Down to the "Mental Health" complaint sef.

Everything can be solved by love and communication.

Don't let the devil give you "evidence" that you made a "mistake" by marrying her.

When older folks tell couples their issues are little quarrels, the couple don't believe them and burn their marriage down. Then in 5-7 years' time, the tree of regret will be sufficiently big enough for them to be eating its fruit daily.

How is her family's religious ideas your concern? Her religious beliefs are the only thing to concern you and it's your job to lead her in that. Again, that's communication and wisdom.

Your mental health issues...bro, leave Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. So many people have been swayed during their craziests, most emotional moments to destroy their marriages from those places. Peer Influence from Social Media is real.

Your wife is not the cause of your deteriorating mental health. I know if I talk to her, she'll have a fulscap sheet of complaints about you and they'll all be valid.

She's not contributing enough, okay that means trying a different way of speaking to her and asking the One Being who can help you in this matter

See, if you want me to tell you she's a terrible person, burn your marriage down, I can't help you. But there are plenty people who will validate your anger and resentment for you and help you do so.

I just really understand and have seen Divorce, Separation so closely and so much, I don't want to see anyone go through it (unless necessary).

Maybe you should go to Igbosere High Court and listen to Divorce cases for a week.

If that is too far, come and spend Christmas in my family house and listen to all the male friends and relatives who walked down the same path you're on and it's 5-30 years later, regret is very plentiful, like party pack. None of them will allow their kids make the same mistakes they made.

Or talk to matured older lawyers who handle Family Law and ask for honest advice: they'll tell you to go home to your wife, if you leave her you'll jump from frying pan to fire.

If you had mentioned enough red flags, I won't be sounding like this. Your issues are so fixable but you need to calm down so much and you can't do it by yourself.

And I'm a woman 🙂 no, I'm not supporting my gender. If you were female, I'd say the same thing.

cupcup:
Thanks a lot,

I appreciate you…. This your last words eat deeper…. I am calmed nd I learnt not to get angry more reason why I kept lowkey…. With respect, Your words are valid…. She just called me to apologize for her mistakes this morning!

I'm glad about that.

Please keep staying calm

And I know that we humans have desecrated the Word of the Lord, but don't look at that: go and find out who God is, all by yourself. Start with reading the Bible.

I have urges to do stup*d stuff all the time, but just wanting to love God and delight His Heart makes me tell myself "okay don't send your bikini pix to another man or post them on WhatsApp status😑".

I'm praying for you, that this is the beginning of a new season in your life.

Petrzoom:
✓ What's the part of the marriage she's doing from his explanation except making him to come here to complain bitterly. Share of marital communal funds that he's mostly contributing to despite forcing him to work from home?

OP is forced to work from home? How? Where?

He works and she works,. After work, both have the child and chores to take care of still. So, what part is unfair to Op? 😩😩😩

Yes Op wishes to go out after work hours probably to hang out and as he said, hussle, too. He could work of some sort of arrangement where some days out of his week, he takes on more tasks in the home so he can then go hang like he wants to, away from his daughter and wife. 🤔🤔

However, on issue of possible financial abuse,v that he needs to realize. And if he is unwilling to work with his wife so he can keep marriage while working through his mental health problems, divorce sounds like a reasonable out. 🥱🥱🥱

Question I wan to ask you, is…. where did you read your own manual to marriage ??

Is marriage a way for women to escape poverty? You didn’t read all my message , plus I didn’t even say it all in there… You are already taking side ??

I am a front End Engineer nd I need 💯 concentration…. I deal with zeros nd one…. Maybe you will understand what I mean… REMOTE WORK

When she closed 5pm from work distance from office to the house takes just 20 mins , she gets home 1hr after , incase you don’t knw Alausa secretariats to Cmd road is not a distance that take 1hr…. You should get my point here…. Where is the time for me to clear my head! Is that not a message enough for you to understand what I am going through?

Kobojunkie:
OP is forced to work from home? How? Where?

He works and she works,. After work, both have the child and chores to take care of still. So, what part is unfair to Op? 😩😩😩

Yes Op wishes to go out after work hours probably to hang out and as he said, hussle, too. He could work of some sort of arrangement where some days out of his week, he takes on more tasks in the home so he can then go hang like he wants to, away from his daughter and wife. 🤔🤔

However, on issue of possible financial abuse,v that he needs to realize. And if he is unwilling to work with his wife so he can keep marriage while working through his mental health problems, divorce sounds like a reasonable out. 🥱🥱🥱

Maam, I am still saying again, somethings we do in this part of our world is not required,


Bible nd Quran it’s self is a book of story… sorry to say…. I have grown pass that level of manipulations , I prefer to serve humanity.

Our ancestors didn’t die in vein… we Africans are spiritual naturally … I don’t want us to talk about religion isn such conversations…


I didn’t disrespect her parent oooo.. I just went to read the message again …. There are boundaries in marriage …. If I go out on the field for 3-4 days her parent who doesn’t. Come to my house takes that chance to come to the house ❌ Remember I said I am Yoruba and she’s cross riverian

Culture different….

One final question..

How can wife’s younger sister challenge my authority?? Over my daugter ?? I stood my ground nd told them all what I do not want … On my wedding day… all of them were so energetic nd wanting to fight .. Right from father , to sister to brother, thank God I had 8 soldiers friends who came to my wedding on uniforms nd they mounted for me… there are a lots I didn’t talk about… but I orientate my own family not to fight before wedding day including wife… after wedding she kneel down to beg me… This is where I say it’s thier Gene, they disrespected me not me disrespecting them …


Anyway.. she had begged me this morning nd said she will change….

Onegai:
I'm glad about that.

Please keep staying calm

And I know that we humans have desecrated the Word of the Lord, but don't look at that: go and find out who God is, all by yourself. Start with reading the Bible.

I have urges to do stup*d stuff all the time, but just wanting to love God and delight His Heart makes me tell myself "okay don't send your bikini pix to another man or post them on WhatsApp status😑".

I'm praying for you, that this is the beginning of a new season in your life.

cupcup:
➜Question I wan to ask you, is…. where did you read your own manual to marriage ??
➜ Is marriage a way for women to escape poverty? You didn’t read all my message , plus I didn’t even say it all in there… You are already taking side ??
➜I am a front End Engineer nd I need 💯 concentration…. I deal with zeros nd one…. Maybe you will understand what I mean… REMOTE WORK
➜ When she closed 5pm from work distance from office to the house takes just 20 mins , she gets home 1hr after , incase you don’t knw Alausa secretariats to Cmd road is not a distance that take 1hr
➜ …. You should get my point here…. Where is the time for me to clear my head! Is that not a message enough for you to understand what I am going through?

1. First things first, no two marriages are the same or expected to be the same. Two unique individuals sign a contract and each with the freedom to decide for themselves their worth at any given time are expected not to have the same marriage as other equally unique individuals out there. Women have never been a monolith, so if you want your marriage to work for you, you have to be willing to work with the particular woman you are married to to get it to work. Otherwise, as I said before, divorce is a legally acceptable out — abandonment has thankfully been criminalized in Nigeria. 🥱🥱

2. Yes, marriage can be a poverty-alleviation plan for a woman or a man. The same way men marry women in hopes to use her to build their dreams and careers is the same way woman can and do use men to also build on their dreams and goals in life. There is no law against this so, I see no reason why anyone should feel that marriage is meant to help them alone and not the other partner. 🥱🥱

The same way you wish to have a retirement savings stored up for yourself in old age is the same way your wife also wishes to have retirement savings stored up for her old age, and she must since children are not a retirement plan. And even better when both parents have something to leave behind for their children in the way of inheritance. 🥱🥱


P.S. I am not taking sides... I try my best never to do that. Because I too have sons and daughters, and I wish for them both to enjoy life to the fullest and the only way that can happen is through judgment that emphasizes fairness, in this case, equality.

3. I worked remotely for many years, actually. Most of my siblings also work from home, and yes, there are also children in the picture, even then. I mean if you have children, don't expect to live the same life that those who don't have children can live. This is childbearing 101. Children need 24/7 care, and the primary providers of that care are the parents. And yes, they need attention, and it is the responsibility of parents to provide them with that attention and the outlets they need.

4. I also know that Lagos traffic, sort of like Chicago traffic, is not always as predictable as you are trying to make it seem, especially during rush hour. 🥱🥱

5. I completely understand what you are saying. I have been through that phase of life to get to where I am today.

cupcup:
Maam, I am still saying again, somethings we do in this part of our world is not required,


Bible nd Quran it’s self is a book of story… sorry to say…. I have grown pass that level of manipulations , I prefer to serve humanity.

Our ancestors didn’t die in vein… we Africans are spiritual naturally … I don’t want us to talk about religion isn such conversations…


I didn’t disrespect her parent oooo.. I just went to read the message again …. There are boundaries in marriage …. If I go out on the field for 3-4 days her parent who doesn’t. Come to my house takes that chance to come to the house ❌ Remember I said I am Yoruba and she’s cross riverian

Culture different….

One final question..

How can wife’s younger sister challenge my authority?? Over my daugter ?? I stood my ground nd told them all what I do not want … On my wedding day… all of them were so energetic nd wanting to fight .. Right from father , to sister to brother, thank God I had 8 soldiers friends who came to my wedding on uniforms nd they mounted for me… there are a lots I didn’t talk about… but I orientate my own family not to fight before wedding day including wife… after wedding she kneel down to beg me… This is where I say it’s thier Gene, they disrespected me not me disrespecting them …

Anyway.. she had begged me this morning nd said she will change….

I read somewhere that one of the things you must watch for in a spouse is the soil they were raised in, for it will influence her growth.

When you speak to her in love, ask her if she likes how her family dynamic is. That should make her pause, because whilst we love our families, we don't usually want to emulate all the ugly parts of it. You too, tell her the same thing: "these are some things I don't like in my family, that I want to correct in my own family with you".

Her family only coming to the house when you're not there has nothing to do with her culture. My aunt doesn't enter her daughter's house when the husband is present because the husband was rude to her and her husband (forget rude, the man should have been slapped for what he did, even his parents were ashamed), she only goes when he's not home. And the man is Esan (Edo state).

I've seen a Kogi man accidentally forward the messages he was sending to his side chic insulting his wife and her family (who were paying every single bill in that man's life!).

I've certainly seen Yoruba people who were brought up without manners, I can't call them out because they're my family

So maybe the fights that broke out during the wedding (as una don dey use soldier battle during reception, you should have been way more careful because that's a rocky start) made your in-laws be cautious not to be visiting when you're around.

Please focus on the future and stop letting the devil give you "evidence" (example: her family's disrespect is in their genes, it will poison your mind slowly against your wife and every little quarrel, your mind will run to that. Speaking from experience. And it is very hard to control your mind).

I already tagged you.. A. O go area, Bit after reading your responds now .. I am a bit relaxed ..

I agree no two marriage are the same , likewise no two children will have same traits.. just like thier temperaments..

Ur seconds reply, if marriage is poverty alleviation as you have said, once the money is not there … meaning it will crash.

When I talked about retirement plan, as a man once it’s secured for me, then it’s secured for my partner… this is me. Before now… when she was in school I already started making money nd I channel a lot to support her while in school for rent for feeding etc… I don’t want to go into that. Does it mean retirement plan should be a raise of who gets it first NO NO NO, that’s where love comes in.. nd to be on a common ground.

I like the fact that u mentioned in ur 3rd) caption … parents factor as a primary plan.. do you know that at the 2 months old she wanted to push my child to day care which I disagree nd stood on 6 months exclusive.. base on my research… nd now that child brain is top nutch! I have over done my part as a father.. nd I can’t stand that her going out of my sight for a week because if the mother is doing g her village thing. My daugter will come to me nd make me laugh, … where is the motherly care if I didn’t dragg her nd stood on my ground… its otilo, FYI I didn’t stay or grow up with my parent…. I did under a foster care.. Hence my reason for have some experience of standing & staying wit one’s fruit.


Lagos traffic nd Chicago traffic u mentioned. I bet you.. you don’t the distance I mentioned earlier..
If she’s using her legs to walk from work to the house it will take her 40mins , if she’s using transportation it should be only 10 mins or 20 mins max. I was stating the fact that there re intensional actions in play. Rush hr u mentioned… it’s an off traffic direction…

Lastly, due to my upbringing …. It was crazy… but I had to set standard for my home…

I appreciate your responds NOW.. it’s about outing oneself self or child or family in the shoes…

All through the conversations we didn’t throw punches🤣

Kobojunkie:
1. First things first, no two marriages are the same or expected to be the same. Two unique individuals sign a contract and each with the freedom to decide for themselves their worth at any given time are expected not to have the same marriage as other equally unique individuals out there. Women have never been a monolith, so if you want your marriage to work for you, you have to be willing to work with the particular woman you are married to to get it to work. Otherwise, as I said before, divorce is a legally acceptable out — abandonment has thankfully been criminalized in Nigeria. 🥱🥱

2. Yes, marriage can be a poverty-alleviation plan for a woman or a man. The same way men marry women in hopes to use her to build their dreams and careers is the same way woman can and do use men to also build on their dreams and goals in life. There is no law against this so, I see no reason why anyone should feel that marriage is meant to help them alone and not the other partner. 🥱🥱

The same way you wish to have a retirement savings stored up for yourself in old age is the same way your wife also wishes to have retirement savings stored up for her old age, and she must since children are not a retirement plan. And even better when both parents have something to leave behind for their children in the way of inheritance. 🥱🥱


P.S. I am not taking sides... I try my best never to do that. Because I too have sons and daughters, and I wish for them both to enjoy life to the fullest and the only way that can happen is through judgment that emphasizes fairness, in this case, equality.

3. I worked remotely for many years, actually. Most of my siblings also work from home, and yes, there are also children in the picture, even then. I mean if you have children, don't expect to live the same life that those who don't have children can live. This is childbearing 101. Children need 24/7 care, and the primary providers of that care are the parents. And yes, they need attention, and it is the responsibility of parents to provide them with that attention and the outlets they need.

4. I also know that Lagos traffic, sort of like Chicago traffic, is not always as predictable as you are trying to make it seem, especially during rush hour. 🥱🥱

5. I completely understand what you are saying. I have been through that phase of life to get to where I am today.

It’s XMASS Eve, I read your message and all I could do is laugh,

Let me start my saying… the soldiers I had at my wedding are my close friends, they came to celebrate with me , nd we greet ourselves with push ups publicly .. 😂, they are there for peace making in the first place, they see me as part of them, because when ever I go into the barracks it’s a mutual thing… soldiers never interfere with family at wedding.. don’t mix up the info,

My wife’s family are aggressive initially… nd my wife elder sister starts a fight with camera man who was invited by my wife. Nd her brother picked up the network.. nd already extending it. so you can have a clear understanding where the rage is coming from… elder sister even was rude to my elder brother, but because orientate my people first… they looked away…. I am 40 years old, my brother is 43years old with two children, the elder sister who’s cause fight is 37years old nd not married…

Not until I called her in person to tell her she’s ruining my wedding nd her sis is crying on changing room before she calm down..

Secondly, I didn’t disrespect her family.. they are the ones who are disrespectful, imagine.. wife sister telling a guest who came from abuja… that is he here for food or for the wedding 🤣 I know yu are sensitive you will pick that offensive words there.


I think I am the only Yoruba man that have a longer leg to go all the way to obudu, I will not say obudu people are bad… it’s just this circle that’s got issue, others I met are so nice .


Now lastly, her family disrespect is in their gene nd cant poison my mind, hence, thats where distancing comes to play.. you don't get to see them not talk to them… only once in blue moon thats where the value comes in… I channel my mind to more productive thing… I deal with zeros nd one.


Thanks a lot, I appreciate…

Onegai:
I read somewhere that one of the things you must watch for in a spouse is the soil they were raised in, for it will influence her growth.

When you speak to her in love, ask her if she likes how her family dynamic is. That should make her pause, because whilst we love our families, we don't usually want to emulate all the ugly parts of it. You too, tell her the same thing: "these are some things I don't like in my family, that I want to correct in my own family with you".

Her family only coming to the house when you're not there has nothing to do with her culture. My aunt doesn't enter her daughter's house when the husband is present because the husband was rude to her and her husband (forget rude, the man should have been slapped for what he did, even his parents were ashamed), she only goes when he's not home. And the man is Esan (Edo state).

I've seen a Kogi man accidentally forward the messages he was sending to his side chic insulting his wife and her family (who were paying every single bill in that man's life!).

I've certainly seen Yoruba people who were brought up without manners, I can't call them out because they're my family

So maybe the fights that broke out during the wedding (as una don dey use soldier battle during reception, you should have been way more careful because that's a rocky start) made your in-laws be cautious not to be visiting when you're around.

Please focus on the future and stop letting the devil give you "evidence" (example: her family's disrespect is in their genes, it will poison your mind slowly against your wife and every little quarrel, your mind will run to that. Speaking from experience. And it is very hard to control your mind).

cupcup:
➜I already tagged you.. A. O go area, Bit after reading your responds now .. I am a bit relaxed ..
I agree no two marriage are the same , likewise no two children will have same traits.. just like thier temperaments..
Ur seconds reply, if marriage is poverty alleviation as you have said, once the money is not there … meaning it will crash.
➜ When I talked about retirement plan, as a man once it’s secured for me, then it’s secured for my partner… this is me. Before now… when she was in school I already started making money nd I channel a lot to support her while in school for rent for feeding etc… I don’t want to go into that. Does it mean retirement plan should be a raise of who gets it first NO NO NO, that’s where love comes in.. nd to be on a common ground.
➜ I like the fact that u mentioned in ur 3rd) caption … parents factor as a primary plan.. do you know that at the 2 months old she wanted to push my child to day care which I disagree nd stood on 6 months exclusive.. base on my research… nd now that child brain is top nutch! ➜ I have over done my part as a father.. nd I can’t stand that her going out of my sight for a week because if the mother is doing g her village thing. My daugter will come to me nd make me laugh, … where is the motherly care if I didn’t dragg her nd stood on my ground… its otilo,
➜ FYI I didn’t stay or grow up with my parent…. I did under a foster care.. Hence my reason for have some experience of standing & staying wit one’s fruit.
➜ Lagos traffic nd Chicago traffic u mentioned. I bet you.. you don’t the distance I mentioned earlier..If she’s using her legs to walk from work to the house it will take her 40mins , if she’s using transportation it should be only 10 mins or 20 mins max. I was stating the fact that there re intensional actions in play. Rush hr u mentioned… it’s an off traffic direction…
➜ Lastly, due to my upbringing …. It was crazy… but I had to set standard for my home… I appreciate your responds NOW.. it’s about outing oneself self or child or family in the shoes…
All through the conversations we didn’t throw punches🤣

1. Well, yeah! If a man or woman enters into a relationship with the intention of gaining financial improvement(among other things), if poverty hits, that individual is likely to exit the relationship. And no, they commit no crime by that. Divorce has always been a legal out of marriage from time immemorial; even our ancestors are notoriously known for abandoning women on a whim. Fortunately, we now live in the 21st century, where both men and women are freely able to get a divorce —not just the man.

2. Over all of history, that statement —as a man once it’s secured for me, then it’s secured for my partner — has never always been the case. We know of men who planned and changed their minds last minute. The vast majority of the time, it is the women who suffer.🥱🥱

Retirement for individuals, even in a marriage, is not a race but something both individuals need to individually plan and ensure they are on top of because, again, history has shown us that when women don't plan for their retirement, they are likely to end up suffering for it. So, she is right to plan her individual retirement even as you plan yours.

3. I myself was raised from that early by my grandmother, who was available at the time to help out, and I spent much of my first years living with her while my mother could work and build herself. There is nothing wrong with parents pushing children to childcare, especially if they are not able to be there for their kids. A lot of women and men have to work, and companies only give so much time for maternity leave. Children who are put in childcare can develop just as well as other kids can, so long as the childcare provides the kids with the environment to thrive and grow.

4. There is no such thing as doing your part as a father in terms of nurturing your own child. Also, I know this might shock you, but women are not and have never been biologically nurturers. No, society attempts to train women into becoming nurturers, but that does not always work out. So, just because a woman has a functioning womb and can have a baby DOES NOT mean she is by nature nurturing and caring. So, don't think there is some sort of competition compared to this. If your wife is an Ok mother to her child, so long as your daughter has a great connection with you, that should suffice. Do not go trying to force what is not there.

5. I see! That is definitely understandable. But don't let that cause you to try to force her into bonding when she may be doing the best she can at this point. I was not too connected with my own mother as a child; we didn't seem to meld at all much. But now that I am older, we are very close and have been able to talk through a lot of the lack of connection that existed during my developing years.

6. Tell her your concerns and allow her to tell you for herself how her trip back goes. 🥱🥱🥱

I literally have to go to the store right now to get some last-minute groceries. The store is literally less than 2 miles from here. However, it could take me at least an hour to get there, run in, and pick up what I want to pick up because of traffic. The last thing I want when I get back is someone coming to tell me that my effort should have been planned differently. 🥱🥱

7. Everyone has standards for their home, including your wife. If your standards do not meld with hers, then there is a lot of communicating you both need to do. And presenting this as though her choices are bad and your choices are the good ones... will not help. 🥱🥱

"There are 1001 ways to solve a problem"

cupcup:
I am married for 4 years now and dated her for over a years,

She nd her parent don’t let me live in peace … she Carrie’s her family along about everything happening at home , now we have a smart daugter..

I picked up a pen nd paper to calculate my bills every month nd yearly including school fees for our child , nd house rent

2026 bills will be 70k monthly nd 2,190,000 yearly

Breakdown


Child’s school fees 151k
House rent 900k
Utility , Water 3k monthly
Pure water 4k monthly 10 bags
Security 650 monthly
Cleaner for compound 1200 monthly
Child lesson fee 25k monthly
Phcn band A 35k monthly now December is going to 70k already

How much am I earning monthly? It’s not enoug to cover this bills but she kept using my daugter to cage me at home not to be able to go bd hussle .

Now here comes the wicked part her parent will not talk to her but support her in disturbing my mental health !


I cleared microwave , water heater to reduce this high cost of power supply … she forcing her way to keep using it nd yet she doesn’t contribute to the bills…


We had an account opened for our child nd it’s a two signatory account… I discovered she had been moving money in nd out personally without my knowledge even borrowing her friend from the money .

Abeg make una advice me

1) I want to have the account closed nd move all the money away

2) I want to work on my mental health ,

3) 2026 that’s on the way… O Ma LOUD

You may go gaga if she continues not to be prudent and keep wasting without being economical

Just go to her parents report her and if possible tell them that you need a break from the marriage as your mental health is now affecting you

Meanwhile go to bank and discuss with the bank to freeze the account because she alone has been withdrawing the money there without your permission

@Cupcup, why are you even wasting your time to reply wahalajunkie ?

Abeg, heed the advise of wise women here and do the needful.

"Did you make provision for your wife" my foot!

Such an entitlement mentality and lack of respect and affection are the reasons why marriages are breaking up.

If they work together as intended by God and the woman submits her resources to the husband, why on earth would the husband not make an adequate provision for his joy giver, lover and prized jewel ? He would be worst than an infidel if he didn't and as such, the woman can lock up or even port out.

But if the man is a good man ... and you as a wife choose him to be the King of your kingdom, then you be his Esther and see if you would not enjoy the kingdom!

In this age and time , women and men vie for jobs , compete in school etc so that when they unite, both can be able to chase ten thousand with their combined SWOT.

Unfortunately, the feminists and female narcissists of today think otherwise.

No genuine man would want his wife to suffer or lack. But when you see that the woman is trying to take you for a ride , help herself and her family off you while draining you the man , you would need to wise up and man up !

Saving 90k monthly and almost 1m annually to collect and spend on her needs instead of helping you to grow faster is nothing but wickedness. When a woman is not fully invested in a marriage, the days of that marriage are numbered.

Just imagine saddling a programmer with a child ... Coding is not an easy job , yet it has so much prospect that madam can even stay at home to nurture the child while the man can build and pay her salary from his effort. But suggest that to her and all hell would be let loose, I know their type.

Abeg Cupcup, have a serious conversation with her and if she cannot see reason with you, tell her you will need to get a fresh and young lady to come and help with the care of your daughter while you can work in peace and be more productive . With a 50k salary , I am sure you would get them in that your area.

Men are not pension plan or ATM , or emotional cushion to insufferable women, let the men breathe!

Reading your Reapomds with Joy in my heart 🫢✅✅💪💪. I read Power in ur messages


Titanic Ship .. We will save children nd men first before woman

kingviny:
@Cupcup, why are you even wasting your time to reply wahalajunkie ?

Abeg, heed the advise of wise women here and do the needful.

"Did you make provision for your wife" my foot!

Such an entitlement mentality and lack of respect and affection are the reasons why marriages are breaking up.

If they work together as intended by God and the woman submits her resources to the husband, why on earth would the husband not make an adequate provision for his joy giver, lover and prized jewel ? He would be worst than an infidel if he didn't and as such, the woman can lock up or even port out.

But if the man is a good man ... and you as a wife choose him to be the King of your kingdom, then you be his Esther and see if you would not enjoy the kingdom!

In this age and time , women and men vie for jobs , compete in school etc so that when they unite, both can be able to chase ten thousand with their combined SWOT.

Unfortunately, the feminists and female narcissists of today think otherwise.

No genuine man would want his wife to suffer or lack. But when you see that the woman is trying to take you for a ride , help herself and her family off you while draining you the man , you would need to wise up and man up !

Saving 90k monthly and almost 1m annually to collect and spend on her needs instead of helping you to grow faster is nothing but wickedness. When a woman is not fully invested in a marriage, the days of that marriage are numbered.

Just imagine saddling a programmer with a child ... Coding is not an easy job , yet it has so much prospect that madam can even stay at home to nurture the child while the man can build and pay her salary from his effort. But suggest that to her and all hell would be let loose, I know their type.

Abeg Cupcup, have a serious conversation with her and if she cannot see reason with you, tell her you will need to get a fresh and young lady to come and help with the care of your daughter while you can work in peace and be more productive . With a 50k salary , I am sure you would get them in that your area.

Men are not pension plan or ATM , or emotional cushion to insufferable women, let the men breathe!