₦airaland Forum

[size=16pt]Happy Sunday everyone,[/size]

Today, I witnessed something that truly disturbed me deeply, and it has been occupying my thoughts relentlessly for many hours now.

I was at the fuel station filling up my car when I noticed a couple inside their vehicle having an extremely heated argument. It wasn’t just a minor disagreement or a simple quarrel; the intensity of their bitterness and the harshness of the words they were throwing at each other were quite overwhelming.

The man appeared utterly drained and exhausted, as if the fight had taken everything out of him, while the woman was shouting at the very top of her lungs, completely unbothered and indifferent to the growing crowd of onlookers who were watching the scene unfold.

As I walked away, a sudden thought struck me with surprising clarity: Could it be that being single in Nigeria is actually a hidden blessing in disguise, offering unexpected advantages and opportunities?

We live in a society where, once you reach a certain age, it seems like everyone around you suddenly starts asking questions like "When is the wedding going to happen?" or "When are we finally eating your rice at the celebration?" There is an enormous amount of pressure from family, friends, and society as a whole to "settle down" and start the next chapter of life.

However, what rarely gets discussed openly is the significant mental health toll and emotional strain that can come from settling down with the wrong person, which can lead to long-term unhappiness and stress.

I often come across people on Instagram who seem to be "happily married," sharing perfect moments and smiles. However, in reality, many are enduring their relationships rather than truly enjoying them.

Many stay in their marriages not out of happiness but because of their children, fear of judgment from their church community, or the anxiety and stigma associated with being labeled "single." These underlying reasons often keep them trapped in situations that are neither fulfilling nor joyful.

My questions to the house:

- Is the "peace of mind" that comes with being single underrated?
- Why are we so afraid of being single that we would rather be in a "war zone" marriage?
- For those who are married, is this just a phase, or is the "happily ever after" thing a myth?

Let's have a meaningful discussion on this topic. I am genuinely interested in hearing thoughts and experiences from both single and married individuals. Your perspectives are valuable, and I would love to learn from everyone’s unique viewpoints on this matter.

Nigerian men especially have little or nothing to gain in marriage. Talk of financial drain, disrespect from wife, infidelity, emotional stress, lack of cooperation from spouse, sex starvation e.t.c ?

If you remove child bearing from women, 90% remain useless.

Being single for men is underestimated - freedom, peace of mind, can take risks which can lead to opportunities and financial freedom, mental health and stability e.t.c

Singles still fights,this is just a result of not been able to recognize and manage differences in every human.

It's not only in relationships but anywhere you live and interact with people.

If you recognize and respect the differences in people's character and opinions,you will be able to live cordially with people.

The biggest mistakes people make is trying to change people

Being with the right partner...


Not just anyone is the secret. The right partner gives peace of mind and complements an individual. The right partner adds value and not take away value.


One wrong turn and you are with the wrong person... and it's wise to exit such relationship when it's so draining and not working!

The man I saw in the car today looked exactly like what you described—just emotionally drained. Is marriage now a trap for men?

Apus:
Nigerian men especially have little or nothing to gain in marriage. Is it the financial drain, disrespect from his wife, cheating, emotional stress, lack of cooperation from spouse, sex starvation e.t.c ?

You have a point, but is it really that simple? Managing differences with a colleague or a neighbor is one thing, but living with someone who makes you miserable 24/7 is another. Do you think Nigerians are taught how to 'manage differences' before they jump into marriage?

coputa:
Singles still fights,this is just a result of not been able to recognize and manage differences in every human.

It's not only in relationships but anywhere you live and interact with people.

If you recognize and respect the differences in people's character and opinions,you will be able to live cordially with people.

The biggest mistakes people make is trying to change people

The Right Partner'—this is the goal, but how many people actually find them? In a country where people hide their true characters until after the wedding, isn't finding 'the right one' just like playing the lottery? Is it worth the risk?

brain54:
Being with the right partner...


Not just anyone is the secret. The right partner gives peace of mind and complements an individual. The right partner adds value and not take away value.


One wrong turn and you are with the wrong person... and it's wise to exit such relationship when it's so draining and not working!

Akinpedia:
The man I saw in the car today looked exactly like what you described—just emotionally drained. Is marriage now a trap for men?

It is when you end up with the wrong partner. Unfortunately men in love are either blinded to the red flags or believe love conquers all until they see the shege wey pass them in marriage.

Men should be brutal when choosing a partner they plan to spend the rest of their lives with and that goes beyond beauty infact that should be the least requirement.

Omo, 'Shege wey pass them' is a deep statement! But be honest, if a man is 'brutal' in his requirements, won't people call him 'too picky' or say he has high standards because he's rich? And even after being brutal, can't people still pretend for 2 years before the real character comes out?

Apus:
It is when you end up with the wrong partner. Unfortunately men in love are either blinded to the red flags or believe love conquers all until they see the shege wey pass them in marriage.

Men should be brutal when choosing a partner they plan to spend the rest of their lives with and that goes beyond beauty infact that should be the least requirement.

Akinpedia:
The Right Partner'—this is the goal, but how many people actually find them? In a country where people hide their true characters until after the wedding, isn't finding 'the right one' just like playing the lottery? Is it worth the risk?

They are many people with the right partners...


Many marriages are working. Just that bad news as they say travels faster and is projected more.

They are many people happily married.

Most people are with the wrong person because they ignore red flags and look for the wrong things in a partner. It may surprise you to know that some people select partners based on physical attributes alone (boobs, behind) not on values or personality also ignoring flaws they can't cope with.


I believe life is a risk... there is really nothing so straightforward and non risky if you look at it carefully. Taking calculated risks is the key. And I don't think anyone who really knows what they want or are looking for can be so deceived by a partner to not notice some kind of flaws.

In most cases those flaws are present but ignored. In any case it shouldn't be too late in a relationship to do something about it if the relationship is so draining. Marriage is a choice and not prison.


And yeah... I think the risk is worth it with the right partner!

It’s good to hear a positive perspective for once. But since you say many marriages are working, why are they so silent? If 'bad news' travels fast, shouldn't the people in happy marriages speak up more to encourage the rest of us? Or is 'happy marriage' now a secret that people are afraid to share so they don't get 'eye' (evil eye) from others?

brain54:
They are many people with the right partners...


Many marriages are working. Just that bad news as they say travels faster and is projected more.

They are many people happily married.

Most people are with the wrong person because they ignore red flags and look for the wrong things in a partner. It may surprise you to know that some people select partners based on physical attributes alone (boobs, behind) not on values or personality also ignoring flaws they can't cope with.


I believe life is a risk... there is really nothing so straightforward and non risky if you look at it carefully. Taking calculated risks is the key. And I don't think anyone who really knows what they want or are looking for can be so deceived by a partner to not notice some kind of flaws.

In most cases those flaws are present but ignored. In any case it shouldn't be too late in a relationship to do something about it if the relationship is so draining. Marriage is a choice and not prison.


And yeah... I think the risk is worth it with the right partner!

Akinpedia:
However, what rarely gets discussed openly is the significant mental health toll and emotional strain that can come from settling down with the wrong person, which can lead to long-term unhappiness and stress.

I don't know why you'd assume every married couple have settled down with the wrong person.

Is it because you have not seen any couple that have settled down with the right person, or are you just disregarding all those you've seen who have settled down with the right person and are happily married couples by brushing them aside with your "However, in reality, many are enduring their relationships rather than truly enjoying them", when the truth really is that you haven't got a clue what their reality is?

Akinpedia:
Omo, 'Shege wey pass them' is a deep statement! But be honest, if a man is 'brutal' in his requirements, won't people call him 'too picky' or say he has high standards because he's rich? And even after being brutal, can't people still pretend for 2 years before the real character comes out?

That high standards will save him. Women are more brutal but subtle about it.

Yes people do pretend but trust me the signs are always there. And when it gets to the point where things cannot be salvaged it's best to find peace elsewhere.

Akinpedia:
It’s good to hear a positive perspective for once. But since you say many marriages are working, why are they so silent? If 'bad news' travels fast, shouldn't the people in happy marriages speak up more to encourage the rest of us? Or is 'happy marriage' now a secret that people are afraid to share so they don't get 'eye' (evil eye) from others?

I would answer your question with a question...


If you had seen two lovey dovey couples in their car kissing and being romantic is it likely you would have opened this thread to post this comment?

Ofcourse, that's because it would have seemed perfectly normal and not out of place.


Bad news is always likely to sell faster than it's counterpart Mr good news.

Couples with happy marriages don't owe it a responsibility to anyone to convince people and besides if you look at it carefully you may realize that the couples with bad marriages don't really go out of their way to convince you or let you know that they have horrible marriages.

Like the couple in your story didn't tell you anything... you only saw and inferred it was a bad marriage by what you saw.


And like I said earlier it's not likely you would have Created this thread if you had seen a happy couple... you probably won't have looked at them twice!

Akinpedia:
You have a point, but is it really that simple? Managing differences with a colleague or a neighbor is one thing, but living with someone who makes you miserable 24/7 is another. Do you think Nigerians are taught how to 'manage differences' before they jump into marriage?

Yes, you made a valid point here, most Nigerians weren't taught how to manage differences especially in marriages.Am happy now that we now have classes in some churches for couples to be and already married.Gradually we will get there.

Church classes are good, but are they teaching the real thing? Many go through those classes just to get the certificate so the Pastor can marry them. Most of these classes only tell women to 'submit' and men to 'love,' but they don't talk about financial compatibility, toxic in-laws, or [b]what to do if your partner is emotionally abusive[b]. Don't you think these classes are sometimes too 'spiritual' for real-life problems?

coputa:
Yes, you made a valid point here, most Nigerians weren't taught how to manage differences especially in marriages.Am happy now that we now have classes in some churches for couples to be and already married.Gradually we will get there.

I saw someone drown, so I wouldn't use water anymore

I chose peace over frustration

Asking yourself why married couples are always fighting, will provide the answers you seek.

I have an aunt, who used to turn a blind eye to whatever her husband did. Even when she learnt about his side chics, she pretended like she didn't care. They stayed married for over 3 decades in a marriage most people will describe as ' a happy and successful marriage'.

Some people have been married for like forever... but they are like cats and dogs. Why? Because not every better half will stay calm when they are offended by their spouses.

My point is, marriages are fast becoming like a war zone because someone is doing something wrong and expects the other person to tolerate or endure. Character flaws, zero respect, poor communication, infidelity... have become the norm in most marriages.

For a marriage to work, couples must accept their flaws, and strive to be a better person. But some people will rather die than choose this path. Respect begets respect! You can't be a bad person, and expect your partner to be good. That would be asking for too much.

There is nothing in it for men.
For the woman, it is about control, they don't mind the public humiliation, they have no sense of shame, no sense of decorum. If you find out, she is at fault in whatever the dispute, but would rather shout and call call crowds

If you really want to enjoy peace in your marriage, do this and you will see you and your partner living in harmony.

—— As a man, see your wife as your daughter and not your equal or age mate, what I mean by this is that , the moment you see your wife as your daughter, whatever she does or says will always sound like your daughter acting or talking to you, so you won’t be angry at her actions. You will always love your child (daughter) so transferring it to her won’t be an issue.


——Don’t become her son by allowing her gaslight you into a fight or argument, be the man in charge by not engaging her into a fight or argument .

Wait, 'see your wife as your daughter'? Isn't that a bit extreme? If she’s your daughter, does that mean you also have to discipline her like a child? And ladies, how would you feel if you found out your husband sees you as his child instead of his partner?

floss:
If you really want to enjoy peace in your marriage, do this and you will see you and your partner living in harmony.

—— As a man, see your wife as your daughter and not your equal or age mate, what I mean by this is that , the moment you see your wife as your daughter, whatever she does or says will always sound like your daughter acting or talking to you, so you won’t be angry at her actions. You will always love your child (daughter) so transferring it to her won’t be an issue.


——Don’t become her son by allowing her gaslight you into a fight or argument, be the man in charge by not engaging her into a fight or argument .

Akinpedia:
Wait, 'see your wife as your daughter'? Isn't that a bit extreme? If she’s your daughter, does that mean you also have to discipline her like a child? And ladies, how would you feel if you found out your husband sees you as his child instead of his partner?

Not necessarily disciplining her like a child but as an adult child, the essence of seeing her like your daughter is to be able to let go and not necessarily exchange your anger with her resulting to a fight because you won’t fight your child.

Remember that a child can tell the father “ I hate you” same with your wife, but you will ignore your child and try to pacify her anger, same thing applies to when you treat your wife like your daughter