₦airaland Forum

letskeeptalking:
My parents were married for over 50 years until my dad passed. . But like every other couple, they had their issues. I saw love growing up, and that's how I know this is not it.

I mentioned before that back home I lived separately from him . . we had separate lives then too and I was 100% responsible for the kids. I still am in a way. I've always lived the life of a single woman even though I have been married. Back home he would go MONTHS without contacting me at all, or making any effort to see his kids. I had every opportunity to see other men if that's what I wanted, and he won't even know about it.

Just to be clear, I do not want to rekindle anything. Even if I stayed, it will not be because I'm interested in fixing the marriage, because I am not!

Can't you guys just trust that a woman knows what she wants, and not every woman is willing to mortgage her self respect in the name of marriage?

letskeeptalking:

desireoge:
✓If you leave, you will be lonely o. I don't know what he has been doing to you anyway but if he's not physically abusing you or cheating with abandonedment, please stay.

letskeeptalking:
But I have other kids, and even though my oldest is fragile, I worry about about the kind of example I'm setting for the younger ones too. My 7-YO told me that she's never going to get married, that when she's grown and rich, she will just buy kids



I don't think he cares too much about her 'state of mind' . . . He's just one of those men that just don't care about ANYTHING. I don't really want to pass any blames because I know I'm not the best person to live with, but he has said on several occasions that if I leave him I will raise the kids alone. He even told them that if I divorce him, they won't get to see him anymore. I know he's weaponizing them and I didn't care when I left the first time. But he twisted her mind so much that she physically fell sick from anxiety. A lot of things came out during counselling, that I don't want to talk about here, but I strongly believe that he doesn't care about the kids, even though he pretends to, and puts up appearances for appearances sake.

And no, I don't have a son. . . just daughters!

And no, cheating is not the problem. I gave him the go ahead to do that because he wanted a son and I didn't want to have anymore kids . . not for him anyway!



Like I said, I have my issues, but at least I'm aware and I'm working on them. He is refusing to face his, and I can't help him with that. I almost lost myself trying.

My family is aware and they support any decision I make. The first time I left, he went back to Nigeria and went with his family to "beg" for me to return . . made a lot of promises. I think I forgave too quickly.

Kobojunkieee:
You already confessed to being lonely right now in your marriage. Isn't the worst kind of loneliness the kind where you are surrounded by a crowd yet living like one who is unseen and unheard, the kind that married people experience? At least single folks have options to change their outlook, environment, attitude without worrying what anyone else would think or say, unlike married lonely folks who are chained to the part they are to play in the marriage? 🤔🥱

desireoge:
✓ You are very correct my queen . I don't really want to be selfish that's why I have put the children and a lot of things into consideration.
✓ Somedays we are good, some days a resent him, because his lack of empathy and selfishness is 2nd to none and he doesn't even notice it.
✓ I have accepted his character and I'm dealing with it in a way that will not be detrimental to my health again, because a lot of things have really gone south.

Kokaine:
To be honest you've not said anything that tells he's faulty yet. Have you heard from him. What things do you do that he doesn't like either

letskeeptalking:
I'm not sure what is making all the men here angry!

FuckYeyeMods:
Wetin I know be say, I can't heal with my wife still leaving together.
I made a very big mistake but I sincerely know that my children need her right now.
I won't give her custody of the children or any of them. But I also know that I'm not really ready to take that responsibility alone right at this moment. What about my career. Will I shuffle between work and cooking, bathing and taking full care of the children. All those question keep coming up in my mind.

And you think you are a good father or husband yourself bah?
I won't give my parent any of them and she can't go with any of them.
She can't make a man out of me, how on earth will I allow her to have my children.
Sincerely, my wife is a case study and not a good woman. She's a very bad example of inter tribal marriage.
Unfortunately, her family are no different from her.

letskeeptalking:
I guess my real question is: knowing what you know now, would you make the same choice again?

I’m currently on the verge of divorce after 15 years of marriage and three kids.. Even though this is my decision, I feel like I have no real choice. My husband (if I can even call him that) says he doesn’t want to lose his family, but he does absolutely nothing to show it.

A lot has happened over the years, and it’s reached a point where I genuinely believe there is no future for us as a couple.

So I feel like I have two options: divorce him and move forward as a single mother… or stay, knowing I could never love him again.

I worry about my kids and how growing up with parents in a loveless marriage might shape their future relationships and choices. But then I also wonder, would they be better off growing up with a single mother?

I’m not concerned about stigma or even about finding another partner someday. Honestly, the way I feel right now, I’m ready to remain celibate for life.

If you’ve gone through this, can you please share your experience?
Do you regret your choice?
Looking back, would you make the same decision again?

letskeeptalking:
I guess my real question is: knowing what you know now, would you make the same choice again?

I’m currently on the verge of divorce after 15 years of marriage and three kids.. Even though this is my decision, I feel like I have no real choice. My husband (if I can even call him that) says he doesn’t want to lose his family, but he does absolutely nothing to show it.

A lot has happened over the years, and it’s reached a point where I genuinely believe there is no future for us as a couple.

So I feel like I have two options: divorce him and move forward as a single mother… or stay, knowing I could never love him again.

I worry about my kids and how growing up with parents in a loveless marriage might shape their future relationships and choices. But then I also wonder, would they be better off growing up with a single mother?

I’m not concerned about stigma or even about finding another partner someday. Honestly, the way I feel right now, I’m ready to remain celibate for life.

If you’ve gone through this, can you please share your experience?
Do you regret your choice?
Looking back, would you make the same decision again?

letskeeptalking:
1. I guess it’s just the fear of the unknown for me at this point!

2. I definitely know I want better for my kids. But my oldest recently told me that she knows I no longer want to be married to her Dad, but she doesn’t want to be from a broken home. She wanted him to “forgive him” and “give him another chance”. Of course she’s 12, and doesn’t really get it. So it got me thinking if she’s just being a kid, or if she will end up resenting me in the future.

3. I always have a choice, it’s my kids I’m worried about.

FuckYeyeMods:
Wetin I know be say, I can't heal with my wife still leaving together.
I made a very big mistake but I sincerely know that my children need her right now. I won't give her custody of the children or any of them. But I also know that I'm not really ready to take that responsibility alone right at this moment. What about my career. Will I shuffle between work and cooking, bathing and taking full care of the children. All those question keep coming up in my mind.
I won't give my parent any of them and she can't go with any of them.
✓ She can't make a man out of me, how on earth will I allow her to have my children.
Sincerely, my wife is a case study and not a good woman. She's a very bad example of inter tribal marriage.
Unfortunately, her family are no different from her.

Thazard:
✓ You definitely don't know how it pains to be from a broken home.
Don't hurt your kids.

Kobojunkieee:
The answer you need is shared custody. You get the children 50% of the time each week. That way, she can care for them for sometime and you can too. 🥱🥱

2. What the f-k kind of statement is this? Why make a woman you are meant to be in a romantic relationship responsible for making "a man" come out of you? That job belongs to both your father and your mother's job and your wife is not your mother. If your parents did a terrible job raising you in the way you out to be, then the onus is on you to re-parent yourself well so that when you decide to go into a romantic relationship with anyone, you are already what that person wants in a man and not some fixer up mission or whatever it is you have there in your head. 🥱🥱

If you realized how derogatory such statements are to men, you would never even air it in the open. 🥱🥱

shaybebaby:
Late to the party but I have been through a divorce and I can say that all 3 of us (me, ex,and our son) are thriving.

Yes, there was a period of adjustment, indeed a time when we didnt get along ( I guess we all heal at different paces, and it took him longer)

But my thinking at the time, and still is that if one cannot give kids two happy parents, who love each other, under the same roof, then the next best thing is two happy parents apart.

My son is not being raised in a toxic environment, and we coparent brilliantly because we managed to separate our failed relationship as man and woman, from our responsibilities as mother and father.

We remain friends, we talk to each other, support each other where we can because we have a common goal, our son.

He has remarried again, and I am happy, because a happy daddy means a happy son who is in happy environment.

Ultimately, what's done is done, if you are indeed done. The question is what next? And that depends on how you view divorces. Some expect it to be toxic, I was determined it wouldn't be. There were fights i didnt engage in, because protecting my sanity was more important.

And I need my sanity to be the best mum I can be.

letskeeptalking:
➜I'm exhausted from reading some of the replies here.
➜ the sad part is that this is the reality in most marriages.
➜ Most men refuse to take accountability, because they think that somehow, it rests on their wives to make them! I don't get the rationale!

engrchykae:
➜if you need therapy for your marriage,then you are not serious. You have no business with marriage. My wife annoys me so much but I am the one who give myself reasons to forgive and love her. One of the reasons is. She gave me a daughter that I love. We have been through hard times together and come out stronger.
➜How can you throw away 15 years like it's nothing. You are complaining about what the man is doing/
➜ What about what you are doing? You keep malice,you think it doesn't matter?
➜ That man is a good man for letting you in after you left the last time. Because once I beg you and you refuse and cross my door with luggage,that's its. On my honor,I will rather regret and miss you for the rest of my life than have you back.

The purpose of therapy (psychotherapy) is to help individuals identify and change troubling emotions, thoughts, and behaviors to improve mental health, daily functioning, and overall quality of life. It provides a safe, confidential, and collaborative space to build coping skills, process past traumas, manage mental health conditions like anxiety or depression, and improve relationships.

letskeeptalking:
We all have flaws, but I think it's a very sad thing, when a man is unable to find himself.

letskeeptalking:
Oh I follow my dreams, I never stopped. And I get a lot of satisfaction from my growth and everything I’ve achieved, despite his best efforts to frustrate me.

And I have PRAYED! I could easily have lost my child, but God had mercy. The more I think about it, the more I don’t believe that God wants this for me. Life is not supposed to be this complicated.

Someone told me that my children will love me more in the future when they see what I endured for their sake. But will they, really I mean they see us live seperate lives and they know it’s not right, or they will eventually. Again, what kind of example am I really setting for them?

I’ve been celibate for years now, because I’m technically married. But he has his affairs, and even though I don’t care because I stopped fulfilling that “duty” for him a long time ago, and I am no longer interested in any kind of romantic relationship with anyone, I still feel that this is unfair.

On the outside I have a great life, but I feel empty inside.

Kobojunkieee:
The answer you need is shared custody. You get the children 50% of the time each week. That way, she can care for them for sometime and you can too. 🥱🥱

2. What the f-k kind of statement is this? Why make a woman you are meant to be in a romantic relationship responsible for making "a man" come out of you? That job belongs to both your father and your mother's job and your wife is not your mother. If your parents did a terrible job raising you in the way you out to be, then the onus is on you to re-parent yourself well so that when you decide to go into a romantic relationship with anyone, you are already what that person wants in a man and not some fixer up mission or whatever it is you have there in your head. 🥱🥱

If you realized how derogatory such statements are to men, you would never even air it in the open. 🥱🥱

flakesy01:
And you think you are a good father or husband yourself bah?

Kobojunkie:
1. Here is the reason why people get therapy. 🥱
Brushing potentially damaging issues under the rug because you supposedly love a person does not make those emotional knots go away. You are simply kicking them down the road. The best way to deal with them is to visit those emotions and figure out the core reason behind them, then do something to help you grow from that point on, or get rid of that problem in the best way possible. 🥱🥱

2. Time spent wallowing in that which does not serve you is not a good enough reason for you to continue wasting more time on that which does not serve you and the goals and purpose in life. 🥱🥱

3. Sometimes the reason why people are completely cut off from others is simply that they are not compatible, something that one cannot force forever. Yes, lots of incompatible people get together a lot of times. (The vast majority confuse anxiety — butterflies in the stomach, racing heart/heart skipping a beat— for love.) And when they run out of energy propping up the relationship, the best thing to do is to stop deceiving themselves and begin listening to that inner voice that had been telling them to run from the get-go. 🥱🥱

4. A man who cheats on his wife and ignores the well-being of his own children is good? Yikes!