₦airaland Forum

Love800:
Doesn't mean that you will him because of his first act.
You need to tolerate. Everyone deserves a 2nd chance.

I appreciate.

Some people deserve a permanent distance because they will NEVER change.

Okay.

I appreciate.

Ittakescourage:
Thank you for your suggestions, but this is not about whether I should go back to him or not. I am not seeking advice on reconciliation. My decision in that regard is already clear

Lol.

I understand.

Anyway, i honestly appreciate.

We4all:
Some people deserve a permanent distance because they will NEVER change.

Onegai:
Ittakescourage, please be careful to ignore every poster above mine (trust me on this).

Now uhmmm,

The first year of Separation is usually the worst. The emotional fallout and craziness is enough for both of you to go full America vs Iran and be throwing bombs at each other in hatred. Nobody cares about the welfare of the kids. Not even you (and I'll tell you why later).

So here's what to do:

1. Breathe and start praying about your healing. Don't think of anything else except forgiving that man, I didn't say reconcile, I am very clear: FORGIVE HIM. It is for your own sake and your own peace of mind (because I know you feel relief but the pain is enormous and you have to put a brave face on. Even women that their husbands beat them, they still grieved over what could have been).

2. He's in a lot of pain. Yes, I know he's acting like an arsehole, but trust me: that man is missing his boys and he is blaming you for "ruining his life". He's not ready to take accountability for his own actions and the only thing that makes him feel better is hating you and attacking you. Even if he's dating another woman, it will be a rebound because he spent all his time talking about how evil you are and how you stole his boys.

3. Call his family and your family and put them on the same WhatsApp call. Now, Babe, listen up:

BE VERY RESPECTFUL AND POLITE ON THAT CALL. KILL YOUR EMOTIONS, DIE THEM, BURY THEM.

You need to calmly tell them what he's doing, that he's hurting the kids and they should rein their son in. That will be a hard pill for his family to swallow, they can get defensive. Which is why you're going to be polite like you're speaking to Dangote or Tinubu. Give them no ammunition. Tell them that boys need their father, so please anytime he wants to visit or call, he should do so. But he shouldn't let his emotions destroy his relationship with his sons. Tell them that you're never going to poison your sons' minds against their dad, but his behaviors may do so.

Children should never be used to fight the other spouse but it happens a lot because 2 adults are hurting and fighting like elephants and children are the grass.

After that call, start sending him weekly updates on the kids. Send their exam results for this term to him, in April. Even if he's not paying schoolfees, still send it.

Marriage may be over, but you and that man are joined till the day you die, he dies or those boys die. Repeat that to yourself everything you wanna lose your shi.t over something he's doing. Your husband cannot remember that right now but I pray he will one day.

By the way, you cannot file in Nigeria until one more year. You can find some unscrupulous lawyer to help you concoct something to file, but know that it will have a full custody battle in Magistrate Court and they will have to send Child Welfare officers (whom you'll foot the bill for) to visit your home and the kids school. Also know that Magistrates will not be lenient if they think you're using the kids against them. Which is why I'm asking you to do these things and document it all, with witnesses

And Divorce is filed in a different court, before a Judge.

Better ask that man calmly for money,
Breathe. Calm down. Get on your knees in prayer. And don't ask God to punish him , leave it to the Lord, both of you messed up and you never know how your story will end.

Alright. Noted. Thank you 🙏

[quote author=Ittakescourage post=138596327]I want to seize my children phone and stop them from communicating with their father.
Do you think it's the best decision? I initially allowed that communication so they don't feel his absence too much but he's saying wrong things to them behind me.


To be honest, it’s almost one year since my husband and I separated due to numerous issues.
And I thank God we are apart otherwise I would have been dead by now.
Since then, I have not been intimate with any other man. Not because I can’t or don’t feel tempted sometimes, but because I personally choose not to. I have never cheated.
We have two boys.
Lately, I discovered that he constantly calls them to question them about me and say hurtful things especially when I'm not around. Yesterday, he told my 12-year-old son that I’m having affairs with other men. that I’m cheating.
and was busy explaining it to him
That broke me.
My son didn’t even tell me. He just went to sit quietly watching TV until I asked him what was wrong. I overheard everything.
I work so hard to take care of my children alone. The bills are much, and everything rests on me. Nothing comes from his side.
When we separated, I moved back to my parents house. I'm still there. I've not been able to save enough for a decent accommodation till now, but God has been faithful.

I told him he is free to come for the children.


Good day Ma'am, I understand you're in a tough situation, but don't think that your children will automatically understand the truth as they grow up. That's often not the case. What they learn about you and your relationship with their father will stick with them and shape their views.

Instead of letting misunderstandings fester, be strong and share the truth with your children. Teach them what really matters and what you believe is important. As a loving mother, you can help them understand and navigate their emotions better.

By being open and honest, you give them the tools to build healthy relationships and avoid repeating negative patterns. You want to raise kind and understanding individuals, not ones who mimic the conflicts you have with their father.

Your efforts can help create a happier family life and ensure a brighter future for them. End!

Ittakescourage:
I want to seize my children phone and stop them from communicating with their father.
Do you think it's the best decision? I initially allowed that communication so they don't feel his absence too much but he's saying wrong things to them behind me.


To be honest, it’s almost one year since my husband and I separated due to numerous issues.
And I thank God we are apart otherwise I would have been dead by now.
Since then, I have not been intimate with any other man. Not because I can’t or don’t feel tempted sometimes, but because I personally choose not to. I have never cheated.
We have two boys.
Lately, I discovered that he constantly calls them to question them about me and say hurtful things especially when I'm not around. Yesterday, he told my 12-year-old son that I’m having affairs with other men. that I’m cheating.
and was busy explaining it to him
That broke me.
My son didn’t even tell me. He just went to sit quietly watching TV until I asked him what was wrong. I overheard everything.
I work so hard to take care of my children alone. The bills are much, and everything rests on me. Nothing comes from his side.
When we separated, I moved back to my parents house. I'm still there. I've not been able to save enough for a decent accommodation till now, but God has been faithful.

I told him he is free to come for the children. I am not stopping him and he knows that.

But instead, he chooses to say hurtful things about me to my son.

Good day Ma'am, I understand you're in a tough situation, but don't think that your children will automatically understand the truth as they grow up. That's often not the case. What they learn about you and your relationship with their father will stick with them and shape their views.

Instead of letting misunderstandings fester, be strong and share the truth with your children. Teach them what really matters and what you believe is important. As a loving mother, you can help them understand and navigate their emotions better.

By being open and honest, you give them the tools to build healthy relationships and avoid repeating negative patterns. You want to raise kind and understanding individuals, not ones who mimic the conflicts you have with their father.

Your efforts can help create a happier family life and ensure a brighter future for them, okay?
End!

MarketDispatch:
If Tonto Dike can go back to her Husband after dragging her Husband all over social media including calling him 1 minute man etc etc , I don't see why you can't go back

Tonto never went back to her ex. Her ex is still married to Rose.

She only reunited father and son.

The son was suffering because all along, his travel papers were seized by the dad. You know what this means for the child. He can't travel.

It's also good for the boy to reconnect with his dad as he is coming of age. Thank God the dad too was glad to have him back. Not that he now lives with him though, they can only coparent.

Ittakescourage:
I want to seize my children phone and stop them from communicating with their father.
Do you think it's the best decision? I initially allowed that communication so they don't feel his absence too much but he's saying wrong things to them behind me.


To be honest, it’s almost one year since my husband and I separated due to numerous issues.
And I thank God we are apart otherwise I would have been dead by now.
Since then, I have not been intimate with any other man. Not because I can’t or don’t feel tempted sometimes, but because I personally choose not to. I have never cheated.
We have two boys.
Lately, I discovered that he constantly calls them to question them about me and say hurtful things especially when I'm not around. Yesterday, he told my 12-year-old son that I’m having affairs with other men. that I’m cheating.
and was busy explaining it to him
That broke me.
My son didn’t even tell me. He just went to sit quietly watching TV until I asked him what was wrong. I overheard everything.
I work so hard to take care of my children alone. The bills are much, and everything rests on me. Nothing comes from his side.
When we separated, I moved back to my parents house. I'm still there. I've not been able to save enough for a decent accommodation till now, but God has been faithful.

I told him he is free to come for the children. I am not stopping him and he knows that.

But instead, he chooses to say hurtful things about me to my son.

You are right if you choose to seize the phone, but I think you can get another sim card for them and then notify their dad that you got another sim card for them because he is poisoning their mind by feeding them wrong information about you and it's affecting their state of mind because they are minors

That hence forth if he wants to speak with them, he can call your line to speak with them

Send it as a chat on WhatsApp and keep it as evidence that you already notified him before the family will say that you refused him access to his children

Ittakescourage:
I want to seize my children phone and stop them from communicating with their father.
Do you think it's the best decision? I initially allowed that communication so they don't feel his absence too much but he's saying wrong things to them behind me.


To be honest, it’s almost one year since my husband and I separated due to numerous issues.
And I thank God we are apart otherwise I would have been dead by now.
Since then, I have not been intimate with any other man. Not because I can’t or don’t feel tempted sometimes, but because I personally choose not to. I have never cheated.
We have two boys.
Lately, I discovered that he constantly calls them to question them about me and say hurtful things especially when I'm not around. Yesterday, he told my 12-year-old son that I’m having affairs with other men. that I’m cheating.
and was busy explaining it to him
That broke me.
My son didn’t even tell me. He just went to sit quietly watching TV until I asked him what was wrong. I overheard everything.
I work so hard to take care of my children alone. The bills are much, and everything rests on me. Nothing comes from his side.
When we separated, I moved back to my parents house. I'm still there. I've not been able to save enough for a decent accommodation till now, but God has been faithful.

I told him he is free to come for the children. I am not stopping him and he knows that.

But instead, he chooses to say hurtful things about me to my son.

You are right if you choose to seize the phone, but I think you can get another sim card for them and then notify their dad that you got another sim card for them because he is poisoning their mind by feeding them wrong information about you and it's affecting their state of mind because they are minors

That hence forth if he wants to speak with them, he can call your line to speak with them

Send it as a chat on WhatsApp and keep it as evidence that you already notified him before the family will say that you refused him access to his children

You can also tell them to talk to their father about their feeling and school fees

Since he doesn't have the senses to do his job

Onegai:
Ittakescourage, please be careful to ignore every poster above mine (trust me on this).

Now uhmmm,

The first year of Separation is usually the worst. The emotional fallout and craziness is enough for both of you to go full America vs Iran and be throwing bombs at each other in hatred. Nobody cares about the welfare of the kids. Not even you (and I'll tell you why later).

So here's what to do:

1. Breathe and start praying about your healing. Don't think of anything else except forgiving that man, I didn't say reconcile, I am very clear: FORGIVE HIM. It is for your own sake and your own peace of mind (because I know you feel relief but the pain is enormous and you have to put a brave face on. Even women that their husbands beat them, they still grieved over what could have been).

2. He's in a lot of pain. Yes, I know he's acting like an arsehole, but trust me: that man is missing his boys and he is blaming you for "ruining his life". He's not ready to take accountability for his own actions and the only thing that makes him feel better is hating you and attacking you. Even if he's dating another woman, it will be a rebound because he spent all his time talking about how evil you are and how you stole his boys.

3. Call his family and your family and put them on the same WhatsApp call. Now, Babe, listen up:

BE VERY RESPECTFUL AND POLITE ON THAT CALL. KILL YOUR EMOTIONS, DIE THEM, BURY THEM.

You need to calmly tell them what he's doing, that he's hurting the kids and they should rein their son in. That will be a hard pill for his family to swallow, they can get defensive. Which is why you're going to be polite like you're speaking to Dangote or Tinubu. Give them no ammunition. Tell them that boys need their father, so please anytime he wants to visit or call, he should do so. But he shouldn't let his emotions destroy his relationship with his sons. Tell them that you're never going to poison your sons' minds against their dad, but his behaviors may do so.

Children should never be used to fight the other spouse but it happens a lot because 2 adults are hurting and fighting like elephants and children are the grass.

After that call, start sending him weekly updates on the kids. Send their exam results for this term to him, in April. Even if he's not paying schoolfees, still send it.

Marriage may be over, but you and that man are joined till the day you die, he dies or those boys die. Repeat that to yourself everything you wanna lose your shi.t over something he's doing. Your husband cannot remember that right now but I pray he will one day.

By the way, you cannot file in Nigeria until one more year. You can find some unscrupulous lawyer to help you concoct something to file, but know that it will have a full custody battle in Magistrate Court and they will have to send Child Welfare officers (whom you'll foot the bill for) to visit your home and the kids school. Also know that Magistrates will not be lenient if they think you're using the kids against them. Which is why I'm asking you to do these things and document it all, with witnesses

And Divorce is filed in a different court, before a Judge.

Better ask that man calmly for money, before you kill yourself with stress or he foolishly decides to remarry one chick so he can get custody and then watch her deal with him and his sons. What do you think you're trying to prove, doing Superwoman, do you want to die of HBP


Breathe. Calm down. Get on your knees in prayer. And don't ask God to punish him , leave it to the Lord, both of you messed up and you never know how your story will end.

So much sense you what you have said, I also think she is trying to gain sympathy to justify any action she wants to take... @op never underestimate the value of a father in the children's life (check history)

frozen70:
You are right if you choose to seize the phone, but I think you can get another sim card for them and then notify their dad that you got another sim card for them because he is poisoning their mind by feeding them wrong information about you and it's affecting their state of mind because they are minors

That hence forth if he wants to speak with them, he can call your line to speak with them

Send it as a chat on WhatsApp and keep it as evidence that you already notified him before the family will say that you refused him access to his children

You can also tell them to talk to their father about their feeling and school fees

Since he doesn't have the senses to do his job

Na dem be this #TeamBaddie, please give a more constructive advice. The op started the story from the end, the question is what caused the seperation?

Ittakescourage:
I want to seize my children phone and stop them from communicating with their father.
Do you think it's the best decision? I initially allowed that communication so they don't feel his absence too much but he's saying wrong things to them behind me.


To be honest, it’s almost one year since my husband and I separated due to numerous issues.
And I thank God we are apart otherwise I would have been dead by now.
Since then, I have not been intimate with any other man. Not because I can’t or don’t feel tempted sometimes, but because I personally choose not to. I have never cheated.
We have two boys.
Lately, I discovered that he constantly calls them to question them about me and say hurtful things especially when I'm not around. Yesterday, he told my 12-year-old son that I’m having affairs with other men. that I’m cheating.
and was busy explaining it to him
That broke me.
My son didn’t even tell me. He just went to sit quietly watching TV until I asked him what was wrong. I overheard everything.
I work so hard to take care of my children alone. The bills are much, and everything rests on me. Nothing comes from his side.
When we separated, I moved back to my parents house. I'm still there. I've not been able to save enough for a decent accommodation till now, but God has been faithful.

I told him he is free to come for the children. I am not stopping him and he knows that.

But instead, he chooses to say hurtful things about me to my son.

It is very hard to stop a male teenager from talking with his dad. For your defense, I think you should escalate the issue to his family. He's using words to poison the children's mind about you. You must take action on this and if action does not bear fruit, estrange them from him.

Ittakescourage:
I want to seize my children phone and stop them from communicating with their father.
Do you think it's the best decision? I initially allowed that communication so they don't feel his absence too much but he's saying wrong things to them behind me.


To be honest, it’s almost one year since my husband and I separated due to numerous issues.
And I thank God we are apart otherwise I would have been dead by now.
Since then, I have not been intimate with any other man. Not because I can’t or don’t feel tempted sometimes, but because I personally choose not to. I have never cheated.
We have two boys.
Lately, I discovered that he constantly calls them to question them about me and say hurtful things especially when I'm not around. Yesterday, he told my 12-year-old son that I’m having affairs with other men. that I’m cheating.
and was busy explaining it to him
That broke me.
My son didn’t even tell me. He just went to sit quietly watching TV until I asked him what was wrong. I overheard everything.
I work so hard to take care of my children alone. The bills are much, and everything rests on me. Nothing comes from his side.
When we separated, I moved back to my parents house. I'm still there. I've not been able to save enough for a decent accommodation till now, but God has been faithful.

I told him he is free to come for the children. I am not stopping him and he knows that.

But instead, he chooses to say hurtful things about me to my son.

One side of the storyline. No evidence... No case.