₦airaland Forum

Hello everyone, I need your advice please.
I am half Nigerian. I am married and currently living in another African country with my husband and our two children. Our first child is 4 years old and the youngest is 9 months old.

I was born and raised in Nigeria to a Nigerian father. When I was 13 years old, my parents divorced. My mother took me, my younger brother, and my elder sister from her previous relationship back to her country. Since we left, I have not seen or spoken to my father.

Unfortunately, my mother passed away two years later when I was only 15. Life was very difficult for us because my mother’s family treated us badly, but that is not really what I am looking for advice about, so I will keep the story short.

I got married 5 years ago, and 3 years ago my husband and I relocated to a different African country. We are both involved in business. I run a hair salon while also taking care of my duties as a wife and mother.

When I started my business, my daughter was already 2 years old and attending school, so it was easier to manage both my business and my responsibilities at home. But when I became pregnant with my son, I knew it would not be easy anymore because I would need someone to help take care of him while I worked. I stayed home for about 3 months after he was born, and when I was preparing to return to work, I asked my pastor’s wife to help me find someone to assist me. She had helped other people find help before, and she introduced us to a 19-year-old girl who came to live with us.

At first, everything was going well. She took very good care of my baby. My daughter’s school was close to my shop, so I was the one dropping her off and picking her up. We had planned that the following year we would move her to a school closer to the house so the girl could help with picking her up.

Let me also add that while I was on maternity leave, my husband used to come home around 1 p.m. to eat lunch. But when I returned to work, I asked him not to come home during the day anymore and to start taking food to work instead, which he did.

When my baby was about 5 months old, we left for work as usual. Around 10 a.m., my phone rang. It was my husband saying he was at the hospital with the maid and the baby. I panicked and asked what happened and if my baby was okay. He said the baby was fine, but the maid was the one who was not well.

He told me that he was at work, but he suddenly felt very uneasy, like something was telling him to go home and check on the baby. When he got home, he heard the baby crying inside the room where the maid shared with our daughter. At first, he ignored it, thinking maybe she was changing the baby. But the crying became worse, and he heard a loud bump. He called the maid’s name, but there was no response. When he entered the room, he found her lying on the floor naked, and the baby was next to her crying. He picked up the baby and called the neighbors, who helped cover her and put her in his car. One male neighbor followed them to help with the baby while they went to the hospital.

The girl was unconscious at first, but later she recovered. After she was discharged, I was wondering what could have happened. I asked her if she had any history of seizures or something similar, but she said no. She explained that she could not clearly remember what happened that day. She said that after putting the baby to sleep, she rushed to take a bath, and after coming out of the bathroom she could not remember anything else until she woke up in the hospital.

During the following days, I allowed her to rest as much as possible, and I started taking my baby with me to my shop. It was not easy, but I wanted her to recover.

One day, I came back home and found the house empty. She was nowhere to be found. I panicked and called her number, but it was switched off. I called our pastor’s wife, but she said she had not seen her. She was already aware of what had happened at the hospital. We were all worried and tried to reach her without success. Our pastor’s wife even sent someone to her aunt’s house to check if she was there, but she was not.
After a few days, we found out that she was staying with her elder sister in another town. We felt some relief knowing she was at least with family. We tried to contact her to ask why she left suddenly, but she would not pick up our calls.
Four months later, she came back to the church and informed our pastor that the reason she left my house was because, according to her, ever since she started living with us, my husband had been making advances toward her. She said she always refused him. She claimed that on the day of the incident, my husband came home and met her in the room while she was dressing, forced himself on her, beat her, and she passed out.
The pastor called us, and the girl repeated this in front of everyone. My husband could not deny it and started begging for forgiveness. I was completely shattered. Although the pastor and his wife counseled us and tried to reconcile us, and my husband has been begging for forgiveness, I am still heartbroken. I am no longer interested in this marriage. I feel anger and pain whenever I look at him.

Now I feel like taking my children and going back to my home country. I cry every day and feel very depressed. I really need advice, please help me.

A little detour from your heartbreak;
The true victim here, the maid.

Is she a minor? (Clarified)
Is your husband currently in jail?

My own advice:

Leaving the marriage is risky. What if he becomes unavailable when you later forgive him and wishe to have him? His action was very wrong. But I advise you to continue with the marriage since he doesn't starve or assault you.

As for him, he should be arraigned ona two-count charges of rape and attempted murder. If at all you should separate from him, let his jail sentence be the cause, do not divorce him.

Even the elders of nairaland are weak and speechless 😶

After thinking this through, here is my take on the situation. Firstly, you must ensure the girl is properly settled and compensated for what has happened. Following that, you need to have a very serious sit-down with your husband to make it clear that this must never repeat itself. If you let this slide without a heavy consequence, you are opening a door that might lead to your own daughter being the next target. Give him a very strict warning; it is going to be incredibly difficult to rebuild the trust that was once there, so you must give yourself the necessary time to heal.

Alternatively, if you are financially stable enough, you should consider leaving the house for two weeks or more. If he is truly remorseful and cares about the marriage, he will come around and look for you. However, if you are the one who goes back begging, you have effectively given him the audacity to do even worse because he will believe you have no other options or anywhere else to go. If he comes around, he should be watched closely, but if this behavior recurs, it proves he has no respect for you—and a marriage where there is no mutual respect is simply not sustainable.

immortalcrown:
My own advice:

Leaving the marriage is risky. What if he becomes unavailable when you later forgive him and wishe to have him? His action was very wrong. But I advise you to continue with the marriage since he doesn't starve or assault you.

Why will she still want to have him when he will be in jail….

The man is useless, thank you

Here is a true experience.

I heard of similar issues with a family and the matter got to the husband's office and the man was sacked as a result of the issue. Till today the man has not been able to get well paying job and both the wife, man and children are lacking what the family needs for decent life.

Leaving the marriage wouldn't be good for the children.

Lastly, having seen the person whom your husband is, never you keep female house help to avoid similar issues, try and pull the issue over so that it wouldn't affect your thinking

correctyourself:
Here is a true experience.

I heard of similar issues with a family and the matter got to the husband's office and the man was sacked as a result of the issue. Till today the man has not been able to get well paying job and both the wife, man and children are lacking what the family needs for decent life.

Leaving the marriage wouldn't be good for the children.

Lastly, having seen the person whom your husband is, never you keep female house help to avoid similar issues, try and pull the issue over so that it wouldn't affect your thinking

In your own scenario the man is also not in prison??
As in… i am not understanding ..

advanceDNA:
Why will she still want to have him when he will be in jail….

Let the jail sentence be the separator, she should not divorce him.

immortalcrown:
Let the jail sentence be the separator, she should not divorce him.

So she should continue in the marriage, after all, he’s just a rapist assaulting other women but ddnt assault her….. u dont even think the guy should be in prison in the first place …… sigh!!

The blame is yours, cos how can you tempted your husband with a 19yr old maid?

The best you can do is to stay in that marriage and accept the blame as yours. Forgive your husband and let bygone be bygone.


The maid should be well compensated for all the trauma she went through in the hand of that he-goat you called husband.


Your husband should be flogged naked 101 times on market days as a reparations for his crime.

If you end up divorcing, where will you go with the 2 young children? A 4 year old and a 9 months old.

It's very difficult to be a single parent even if you have a well paying job.
It's all upto you tho

ProfGday:
The blame is yours, cos how can you tempted your husband with a 19yr old maid?

The best you can do is to stay in that marriage and accept the blame as yours. Forgive your husband and let bygone be bygone.


The maid should be well compensated for all the trauma she went through in the hand of that he-goat you called husband.


Your husband should be flogged naked 101 times on market days as a reparations for his crime.

Guyyyyy…. U dey blame the woman or u Dey blame the werey husband…?? stay one place make we know where to send thunder

advanceDNA:
So she should continue in the marriage, after all, he’s just a rapist assaulting other women but ddnt assault her….. u dont even think the guy should be in prison in the first place …… sigh!!

How does advising her to continue with the marriage mean supporting the man's crime? Explain.

advanceDNA:
In your own scenario the man is also not in prison??
As in… i am not understanding ..

I like nairlannd

Some opinions are family centered
Some opinions are justice centered

In all, it's good to give bad advice so that we can learn from the mistakes that happen there afterward.

Your husband lack self respect, discipline, dignity and respect for you, your marriage and family!!!!!!!


When there’s no trust, love don’t exist and trust is like a broken glass that can never be replaced.

All you need now is healing and that can only happen when you forget yours pain after receiving forgiveness from the house help and her family.

An injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. Even if the girl and her family are not pressing charges against him cos of your pastor, your justice is to never stay put in that marriage.

If reversed was the case, he will not hesitate to leave the marriage.

Even the Bible said, forgive a cheating partner but never accept them back.

I would have advice you to stay put, wish it was a case of having a single side chick outside.

Not after raping a help in your matrimonial home, that’s classless and disgusting of a man to call your husband to be the father figure to your kids.

Your family members might be his next victim when the opportunity comes.


He deserves to be jailed for his action cos the help was to be protected by him as a father.

God heal your heart with time.

In all of these you still haven't looked for your father. Your late mom has so much brainwashed you that you still hate your father till this day. I pray to God not to have this kind of child. My advice look for your father. Without your father you wouldn't even be existing today but wickedness in high places will block your reasoning not to know.

I have a question to ask you. What if he assaulted her and she died, what decision will you take?

That's your answer.

immortalcrown:
How does advising her to continue with the marriage mean supporting the man's crime? Explain.

because there should be no other scenario where the woman should continue like u suggested….u even made the man look not so bad since hes not assaulting the wife…..
I mean….the only scenario should be prison for rape, aggravated assault, battery …. Thats like 20 years at least

advanceDNA:
because there should be no other scenario where the woman should continue like u suggested….u even made the man look not so bad since hes not assaulting the wife…..
I mean….the only scenario should be prison for rape, aggravated assault, battery …. Thats like 20 years at least

You are yet to explain how telling a woman to continue with her marriage means denying her husband's crimes. You are just unleashing your sentiments.

Mrslarissa98:
Hello everyone, I need your advice please.
I am half Nigerian. I am married and currently living in another African country with my husband and our two children. Our first child is 4 years old and the youngest is 9 months old.
I was born and raised in Nigeria to a Nigerian father. When I was 13 years old, my parents divorced. My mother took me, my younger brother, and my elder sister from her previous relationship back to her country. Since we left, I have not seen or spoken to my father. Unfortunately, my mother passed away two years later when I was only 15. Life was very difficult for us because my mother’s family treated us badly, but that is not really what I am looking for advice about, so I will keep the story short.
I got married 5 years ago, and 3 years ago my husband and I relocated to a different African country. We are both involved in business. I run a hair salon while also taking care of my duties as a wife and mother.
When I started my business, my daughter was already 2 years old and attending school, so it was easier to manage both my business and my responsibilities at home. But when I became pregnant with my son, I knew it would not be easy anymore because I would need someone to help take care of him while I worked. I stayed home for about 3 months after he was born, and when I was preparing to return to work, I asked my pastor’s wife to help me find someone to assist me. She had helped other people find help before, and she introduced us to a 19-year-old girl who came to live with us.
At first, everything was going well. She took very good care of my baby. My daughter’s school was close to my shop, so I was the one dropping her off and picking her up. We had planned that the following year we would move her to a school closer to the house so the girl could help with picking her up.
Let me also add that while I was on maternity leave, my husband used to come home around 1 p.m. to eat lunch. But when I returned to work, I asked him not to come home during the day anymore and to start taking food to work instead, which he did.
When my baby was about 5 months old, we left for work as usual. Around 10 a.m., my phone rang. It was my husband saying he was at the hospital with the maid and the baby. I panicked and asked what happened and if my baby was okay. He said the baby was fine, but the maid was the one who was not well.
He told me that he was at work, but he suddenly felt very uneasy, like something was telling him to go home and check on the baby. When he got home, he heard the baby crying inside the room where the maid shared with our daughter. At first, he ignored it, thinking maybe she was changing the baby. But the crying became worse, and he heard a loud bump. He called the maid’s name, but there was no response. When he entered the room, he found her lying on the floor naked, and the baby was next to her crying. He picked up the baby and called the neighbors, who helped cover her and put her in his car. One male neighbor followed them to help with the baby while they went to the hospital.
The girl was unconscious at first, but later she recovered. After she was discharged, I was wondering what could have happened. I asked her if she had any history of seizures or something similar, but she said no. She explained that she could not clearly remember what happened that day. She said that after putting the baby to sleep, she rushed to take a bath, and after coming out of the bathroom she could not remember anything else until she woke up in the hospital.
During the following days, I allowed her to rest as much as possible, and I started taking my baby with me to my shop. It was not easy, but I wanted her to recover.
One day, I came back home and found the house empty. She was nowhere to be found. I panicked and called her number, but it was switched off. I called our pastor’s wife, but she said she had not seen her. She was already aware of what had happened at the hospital. We were all worried and tried to reach her without success. Our pastor’s wife even sent someone to her aunt’s house to check if she was there, but she was not.
After a few days, we found out that she was staying with her elder sister in another town. We felt some relief knowing she was at least with family. We tried to contact her to ask why she left suddenly, but she would not pick up our calls.
Four months later, she came back to the church and informed our pastor that the reason she left my house was because, according to her, ever since she started living with us, my husband had been making advances toward her. She said she always refused him. She claimed that on the day of the incident, my husband came home and met her in the room while she was dressing, forced himself on her, beat her, and she passed out.
The pastor called us, and the girl repeated this in front of everyone. My husband could not deny it and started begging for forgiveness. I was completely shattered. Although the pastor and his wife counseled us and tried to reconcile us, and my husband has been begging for forgiveness, I am still heartbroken. I am no longer interested in this marriage. I feel anger and pain whenever I look at him.
Now I feel like taking my children and going back to my home country. I cry every day and feel very depressed. I really need advice, please help me.

Your mum took this same path
How was it for you and your siblings.
Your husband actions were really bad.
If you can o
Give him another chance but if you can’t safe journey

advanceDNA:
Guyyyyy…. U dey blame the woman or u Dey blame the werey husband…?? stay one place make we know where to send thunder

Both of them to be blamed. U don't keep an adult female near a man when they are not related by blood. It is a clear temptation. I will not say further. But she should find the heart to forgive the man; after separating for some days

If I was the girl, I'd have hired an inkabi for your husband together with you for choosing to still stick by him.

The two of you deserve each other.

blesdman:
Both of them to be blamed. U don't keep an adult female near a man when they are not related by blood. It is a clear temptation. I will not say further. But she should find the heart to forgive the man; after separating for some days

U are probably one of those pple that will say using minor as maid is a wrong… now that this maid is an adult, u still blame the woman……. The werey husband wey the nor get self control…. Is that how he’s sleeping with all the women in his office and the street?? Let’s call a spade what it is and not blame the women for the husband’s lack of discipline

immortalcrown:
You are yet to explain how telling a woman to continue with her marriage means denying her husband's crimes. You are just unleashing your sentiments.

Baba…..If u nor see my explantion.. I nor know how to explain any further oooo

advanceDNA:
U are probably one of those pple that will say using minor as maid is a wrong… now that this maid is an adult, u still blame the woman……. The werey husband wey the nor get self control…. Is that how he’s sleeping with all the women in his office and the street?? Let’s call a spade what it is and not blame the women for the husband’s lack of discipline

it is what is. Right from the beginning, male and female do not stay close together otherwise sexual feelings will develop. Denying this fact is hypocrisy. Even for a woman, putting a male help who is always close to the wife, can also lead to catastrophe. The best scenario is for the help to come from the husband's family line or a male help from the wife's family. It is not a self control matter. Closeness almost always leads to sexual feelings. Another way is allowing such external helps to come for a period and not as live-in helps

Stephen0mozzy:
A little detour from your heartbreak;
The true victim here, the maid.

Is she a minor?
Is your husband currently in jail?

She was 19 at the time and is now 20 years old. She and her family refused to press charges. They stated that all they wanted was for the truth to come out. They have neither pressed charges nor requested any money from us.

blesdman:
it is what is. Right from the beginning, male and female do not stay close together otherwise sexual feelings will develop. Denying this fact is hypocrisy.

U dodged my question…so I’ll ask again…. is that how he rapes the female in the office, their neighbour, and other women he happens to be close to? This isnt about hypocrisy, because it is not a sexual relationship of consent…it is rape and physical assault ….
yet somehow u are trying to justify and equate the man’s behaviour with innate animalistic sexual response triggered by just being close to a female…. Humans are not beasts in the wild, so saying his wicked behaviour is normal trigger because hes in close proximity to a female is the weirdest shlt i will hear this week.. and the week is still very young

Another beautiful scripted store ree created to put men down!!

When will you guys real eyes that women lie too much as they need you to be weak?

That is one of the only ways they can manipulate and control you.

Advancedna, all these Fighting and attack of your fellow man is exactly what she is looking for.

For when/whilst you all are fighting your fellow man about these shi..s you are distracted and no longer watching women and her moves.

Which is why men always say "i don't know when she did this or that".

As you can see, men have been watching women's every moves so they need to do something that will make you avert your eyes from them so that they can hide and do a change you won't see because of distraction.

This story is not True. I bet you 5k